Cracker Jacked Off…………And It Ain’t Gonna Feel Good

mmmm

Look Ma!….A  prize….I think…….

Yes folks,  jacking off , in this instance, means we are about to get “jacked off” by the makers of Cracker Jacks. And it ain’t gonna feel good.

Why you ask? Well I’ll tell ya. No more stinkin’ free toys inside of those Cracker Jacks boxes. Bastards.

There goes another childhood staple down the old tubes. Bastards.

SEEEEE.....they had really great prizes!

SEEEEE…..they had really great prizes!

So what are they gonna give us instead?

Oh Joy…….a scannable code that will let all of us with devices that scan to be able to partake in a baseball-themed experience on our smartphones or tablets. According to an article on “The Patch.”

xxxx

WTF? No prize?

So what TF does this mean? It means if you’re a freakin’ dinosaur and refuse to keep purchasing electronic devices because your old flip phone works perfectly and you could give a rats ass about wether your phone is smart or dumb as long as you can say “hello, how are ya, and goodbye,” you’re basically f**ked if ya want your damn toy and not some inane option to scan and play a damn game. Bastards.

As the article stated in The Patch…….

“It was bad enough when Cracker Jack replaced the original toys and charms with cheap stickers or temporary tattoos, but now the “prize” is nothing more than an invitation to download an app. While they’re at it, why not give the sailor on the Cracker Jack box some skinny jeans, a tank top and a fedora?”

Or a sex change……..

And they explain it further for us dummies who don’t have a clue.

“The codes will take users to a “mobile experience” with four different activities — Dot Dash, Dance Cam, Get Carded and Baseball Star — according to the press release. Essentially these are iPhone games, where users can dance like they’re on a fake Jumbotron, participate in a fake Dot Race and make fake baseball cards.”

nnnn

Shoulda pigged out on caramel

Ya know…on occasion I still buy a box of Cracker Jacks and could give a flying f**k if there was a prize inside or not. BUT…that said, which I just colorfully said, I actually still felt a bit of nostalgia when I found that cheapo prize in that box of Cracker Jacks.

AND…furthermore and forsooth, WTF is going on with corporations these days?

First, and this was verrrrrry traumatic to me, Playboy Magazine drops nudity. (where actual “jacking off” came into play not involving Cracker Jacks, um…unless you were REALLY weird)

Now Cracker Jacks drops its toys. WTF! Is nothing sacred?

So much for ogling nudes in Playboy while eating Cracker Jacks…or…..jacking off….or both.

mmm

Or….like my other half…..on a Cracker Jack binge

And this comment from the cracked management at Cracker Jacks to ease our pain.

“We are a brand that authentically reminds people of simpler times, childhood memories and family experiences,” Lewis said. “With this redesign and new mobile game experience, the Cracker Jack brand embraces a modernized, young-at-heart attitude while keeping that treasured feeling of childhood wistfulness.”

Um…..let me see if I understand this corporate speak. “A brand that authentically reminds people of simpler times, childhood memories and family experiences.”

REALLY!!!!

Scanning a code in a Cracker Jack box is gonna remind me of simpler times, childhood memories and family experiences? REALLY!

Ditto.......

Ditto…….

Wanna know what MY simpler times and childhood memories were. NOT SCANNING A FREAKIN’ CODE IN A CRACKER JACK BOX YOU DUMB ASSES.

I pulled the toy outta the box, (no scan required) ate the Cracker Jacks, (no scan required) shared them with my girlfriend, (no scan required) then went home, headed to my room, whipped out my ripped off copy of Playboy Magazine, (no scan required) and jacked off, (no Cracker Jacks involved)

NOW….NOW…..no more stinkin’ cheapo toy and no nudity in Playboy Magazine.

WTF is next?

Television consisting of nothing but reality shows?

Oh…wait…….I forgot……..Donald Trump and the race for 2016 Republican nomination.

DAMN!

Reality TV can't get any better than this

Reality TV can’t get any better than this

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Planning A Trip To Rhode Island? Learn To Speaka Da Language Foist……..

Welcome to Rhode Island - smallest state in the country.

When you live in a state all of your life you never really pay attention to how you say things because, obviously, everyone in the state you live in understand what TF you’re saying.

Like for instance if you live in the deep South and have that Lindsay Graham southern twang in your voice, everybody there completely understands you. But, outside of the South, a lot of us can’t understand what the hell you’re sayin.

Of course, it’s not THAT bad down South because they only speak with that southern twang, use words correctly, and do not drop letters in words when speaking.

BUT……one place that has its own language is Rhode Island….closely followed by Massachusetts and not far behind, Maine.

A must for tourists

A must for tourists

Massachusetts isn’t as bad as R.I. because they DO tend to use all the letters in words but stretch some of them out. Like, “Paaaark the caaarrr in the garaage.”

Maine residents, on the other hand do have an unusual accents that is somewhat close to Massachusetts. Its just that it takes them forever to get the words out of their mouths when you’re in a conversation with them. Only because there’s nothing to do in Maine so I guess they figure, what the hell, might as well drag out a sentence and enjoy the conversation.

Now back to Rhode Island. As I said, and will again, for those of you with short attention spans, I grew up in that state and never once thought my way of speaking was weird.

UNTIL……until recently.slang4

For the record I’ve lived in Connecticut since 2007 and haven’t had much contact with many Rhode Islanders since then. Not because I’m avoiding them, but to travel to my hometown would take over an hour’s ride and besides that, I really don’t know anyone in my hometown anymore.

But, this past week I did venture back to R.I. and on the drive down tuned into a local sports radio program to hear Red Sox stuff. Soooo, this guy calls in and right from the get go I knew he was from Rhode Island.

How? Well, first he mentions that his “sista” and “mudder” listen to this sports show and he also had a lot of “da’s” in his conversation.

Like, yeah, we went to da game and I sez to my brudder, hey dat wuz some bad call dat umpire made.”

Thank Gawd I knew I wanted to be a disc jockey and never fell into that R.I. speak mode.

Might wanna speed thru R.I., and get stopped by a state trooper to appreciate this cartoon

Might wanna speed thru R.I. and get stopped by a state trooper to appreciate this cartoon

But, on occasion, I DO slip and those pesky word pronunciations we Rhode Islander’s tend to slip into conversations comes outta my mouth.

Such as, “sangwich.” Instead of sandwich. Just can’t get that one out of my brain. Or idear instead of idea. Personally I think it should be spelled idear. Or, at the least, ideah.

And, we Rhode Islander’s have a love affair with the letter “R.” (if you live in Massachusetts and are 20 minutes from the R.I. state line, this also applies)

As evidenced by Boston Red Sox announcer Jerry Remy who pronounces Dustin Pedroia’s last name, “Pedroiar.” As well as saying, “the Tamper Bay Rays.”

"Now WAIT! Are your sure its not pronounced Pedr

“Now WAIT! Are your sure its not pronounced Pedroiar?”

We even pronounce Rhode Island, “Rhodediland” like its one word. Go figure.

Yes, there’s mudder, fadder, brudder and sista. And instead of asking you, “did you eat,” in an effort to save time and not waste a lot of useless words, simply ask, “jeet?”

Fortunately I have mastered the English language and have purged many of those Rhode Islandisms from my vocabulary. Um, with the exception of “sangwich” which still is stuck in my brain. BUT…….unlike tourists who visit R.I. and have no freakin’ clue what the hell people are saying sometimes, I can still understand the natives, and STILL pass myself off as a Rhode Islander.

Oh, one more tip if you plan on visiting R.I. this summer. Wanna fit right in? Ask a local where you can find the nearest hot wiener joint. And NEVER say “restaurant.” It’s a R.I. staple and you are not an official Rhode Islander until you have woofed down several hot wieners, along with fries with vinegar on them. I know where each and every hot wiener “joint” is located.

The R.I. survival duo

The R.I. survival duo

And considering you can cross the entire state in 45 minutes, you’re never more than 15 minutes away from any of them. Kind of a life support wiener network.

There are plenty more “Rhode Islandisms” that I have not mentioned, but, fear not, I’m sure if you visit, you’ll pick up on a lot more. Try not to get infected by having them stick in your brain lest you return home and your friends think you’ve been possessed by some evil wordsmith.

But…….all in all, besides thinking “idea” should be “idear” I also think “sandwich” should be pronounced “sangwich.”

Just sayin.’

Special “tanks” to two great Rhode Islanders, Don Bousquet and Mark Patinkin

https://youtu.be/7xuwDm4VzzM?list=RD7xuwDm4VzzM (in memory of Prince)

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“Lucky Charms” Will Never Be The Same….(sniff)

Lucky1

In case you missed it, Arthur Anderson, the voice of the Lucky Charms leprechaun for over 30 years, passed away this week at the age of 93. AND, considering his advanced age, one can naturally assume that, as the voice of that leprechaun, he obviously can attribute his longevity to eating Lucky Charms.

My guess anyhow.

So, as a person who has consumed Lucky Charms for many years, much to the dismay of my other half, I thought I’d pay a tribute to Arthur by giving you some of the great cartoons associated with Lucky Charms cereal and that leprechaun.

mmmm

The horror movie, “The Lucky the Leprechaun Cereal Massacre”

 

mmm

How most men react when their wives attempt to take their Lucky Charms

lucky4

mmmm

Ditto…….

And, if you’ve ever wondered what happens when a leprechaun drinks too much Irish whiskey and gets sick…welllllllllllucky6

mmmmm

More Unlucky Charms

 

mmmm

What happens when your cat gets to the Lucky Charms leprechaun first

'It's not easy being green.'

As Kermit the frog will also attest to

 

Anderson said that he never got any free cereal but that he did get a lot of green money. He also was the voice of Ducky Drake, the Drake’s Cakes mascot.

So, if you too love Lucky Charms, perhaps a toast to Arthur as you sit down and enjoy those Lucky Charms.

Arthur Anderson, the voice of the Lucky Charms leprechaun

Arthur Anderson, the voice of the Lucky Charms leprechaun

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WTF Is This Addiction To Freakin’ Mulch?

Where and how we get mulch

Where and how we get mulch

First of all, as always, I have to clarify what exactly “mulch” is considering many of my blog followers may not have a damn clue as to what mulch is. Sometimes ya have to make things perfectly clear.

mulch
məlCH/
noun
noun: mulch
  1. 1.
    a material (such as decaying leaves, bark, or compost) spread around or over a plant to enrich or insulate the soil.

I’m assuming the second word spelled below “mulch” in the definition above that looks like “melch” would be the Jewish version. Just guessing of course.

MMM

This is where that other similiar Jewish word comes into play…”mensch.” A man of honor doing his part for the mulch movement…even though he sucks at math

Soooooooooooo. Mulch is decaying leaves, bark or compost. Which one, including myself, can venture out to my backyard and find in abundance.

To which I would then say, to myself, “Who TF would drive to a Lowes or Home Depot and spend all kinds of cash to buy 20 to 30, (if not more) bags of decaying leaves, bark or compost?”

Hey! Drive over to my house and I’ll rake my freakin’ leaves into trash bags along with my coffee grounds, banana peels etc. and throw it in yer trunk. AND…..I’ll give it to you for NOTHING!!! Such a deal.

But noooooo. Every Spring hordes of home owners, landscapers and people burying bodies in their backyards flock to those home improvement and hardware stores and hand over gazillions of dollars to buy bagged mulch. Go figure.

Um....just make sure you buy enough mulch

Um….just make sure you buy enough mulch

My thinking, considering I just explained to you that mulch is actually free if you save your garbage and compost it or save your leaves, is that perhaps those people are just buying it for the bags mulch comes in, or they’re just plain nuts..or stupid, or both.

OR…..most of them are the 1% that we all so love, (the filthy rich) and they either have no leaves in their yards, or, if they do, pay someone to get rid of their leaves, (secret agents from Lowes and Home Depot who sell it back to them as mulch) and they never have any garbage to compost cause they eat out all the time.

Unlike us normal slugs who have tons of leaves which we have to rake up every Fall and find a place to get rid of them. Like myself who, in the middle of the night, loads up my Dodge Ram with all those leaves, slowly slithers out to my local Interstate highway, pulls the tarp off of the truck bed covering the leaves, then gets back on the Interstate and hits a speed of 75mph and amazingly those leaves miraculously disappear. Works for me.

And that other stuff, you know, the coffee grounds, banana peels, egg shells, etc. Well I’m not gonna compost, cause I hate bugs, which love compost piles, along with those scary looking 45 legged worms, and whatever else eats that stuff. Gives me the freakin’ willies.mulch11

So I DO my patriotic duty and bag that stuff in kitchen trash bags and once every two weeks haul it off to the town dump.

I wouldn’t even do that considering I could easily ditch all that in the backyard as well with those leaves but my other half loves, for some reason, going to the town dump. It’s a woman thing I guess. Kinda like the same reason women like broccoli, spinach, and all that other leafy stuff only women and rabbits eat but us men hate.

Anyhow, this mulch thing has me completely baffled. I mean, it’s not like it’s some rare commodity ya have to mine in West Virginia. It’s not like we have to import it from foreign countries like oil. It’s in our backyards for cripe sakes. WTF!!!

Why would ya buy that stuff? Other than trying to make your yard look beautiful.

Ok...that explains part of it

Ok…that explains part of it

AND…on top of all that, how come ya have to buy it every year of your life? Yeah, go find mulch that you spent big bucks on after a big nor’easter or a Winter when high winds and snow buries all your mulch. Clue……your snowblower loves snow….and mulch that’s been blown around your yard all Winter long.

(Spring) Ohhhhh, look how bautiful our yard looks honeeee.

(Spring) Ohhhhh, look how beautiful our yard looks honeeee. (woman)

 

(Winter) Um, what was it you were saying out our yard looking beautiful.....honeeeee. (male)

(Winter) Um, what was it you were saying out our yard looking beautiful…..honeeeee. (male)

Not to mention that various animals love to make nests outta that stuff. AND, they get it for free you damn idiots.

So, do I buy mulch? Sadly, the answer to that would be (sigh) yes.

#!@%#!@ Spring

#!@%#!@ Spring

And if there was a logical way of getting outta having to mulch, I would in a heartbeat.

One can only hope.....

One can only hope…..

BUT…..in my defense I cave into my other half’s demand that we buy mulch to (cough) make the yard beautimous. Ignoring the fact that grass refuses to grow in our yard, BUT, I guess she thinks the mulch will hide that fact. Women logic.

Finally, (thank Gawd) I also want to point out that mulch comes in a variety of flavors…um…sorry, I meant colors, which are red, black and brown. Guess this derives from where they get mulch from, or various garbage from compost piles. My guess anyhow.

Now the biggest selling mulch is red mulch. Why, who TF knows.

So basically the brown and black mulch do not sell as well.

Which leads me to think, don’t people know that bags of brown and black mulch matter?

No disrespect to the “Black Lives Matter” movement or anyone whose favorite color is brown.

Just sayin.’mulch5

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Delicious Bugs You Can Eat. For Those Of Us On A Limited Food Budget.

 bugeating1

You know how it goes. You try to try to stretch your budget to make ends meet and have to spend tons of your hard-earned money on foolish things like food.

What if there were a cheaper way to prepare everyday meals without having to break your pocketbook at the grocery store.

SHAZAM!!! There is. Eat bugs. Yum.

Yum....tasty, crunchy, but not too sweet

Yum….tasty, crunchy, but not too sweet

YES! Tons of free bugs just roaming around your yard that you could make delicious meals out of and it won’t, for the most part, cost you a fortune. Um, maybe just a bit for spices, just to make those little critters a bit tastier.

Bugs like, ants, worms, grasshoppers and maybe an occasional caterpillar. Which, may be easier to swallow considering the number of little feet they have.

Caterpillars

Caterpillars

For instance, in Mexico, maguey worms” which ARE actually caterpillars, are fried and mixed with garlic and butter and sold at Mexican restaurants. Which may explain why you might see a restaurant called, “Taco Worm.”

While you may not be able to snag a “maguey worm” in your own backyard, perhaps you might try a run of the mill grasshopper or cricket. Tasty and a bit crunchy. As long as you can get the image of Jiminy Cricket out of your mind you’ll be fine.jiminy2

And, if it still bothers you that you may be eating ol Jiminy, here’s a word of advice from the man himself……….

OK Pal...I'm gonna eat ya.....

OK Pal…I’m gonna eat ya…..

Actually, according to this article by the AP, in Bangkok, stir-fried grasshoppers seasoned with spices are sold on outdoor carts and they taste just like popcorn. Perhaps a great opportunity for Orville Redenbacher to market a new type of popcorn. “Orville Redenbacher’s Stir-Fried Grasshoppers.” Just add butter.

The Cremation of Orville Redenbacher,

Now personally, MY all time favorite insect would be the ant. Sooooo many ways to prepare this little guy. There are chocolate covered ants. Salted ants, and, if you’re one of those daring type people, just plain out of the box ants. Providing of course that ants come in a box, kinda like raisins.

Here’s a photo of a delicious ant sandwich array you might prepare for your next party.

6 Edible Insects You Can Try for Lunch If You're Feeling Adventurous
Damn…..did one of those just move?

Now I’m NOT into mealworms, even though this is one of the delicious meals mentioned in this article. Only because I’ve watched waaaay to many CSI and Criminal Minds shows where they use mealworms when they show a corpse that’s been lying around for a while. Yuk.

My thinking is that if you’re dining on a dish of mealworms and croak, then ironically they will eat you rather than you eating them.

Yet another photo showing just how delicious mealworms look.

6 Edible Insects You Can Try for Lunch If You're Feeling Adventurous

And, this quote from the AP article:

“Mealworms, or beetle larvae, can be fried and eaten on their own like a snack or worked into another dish, like this recipe for mealworm french fries. Research shows that eating mealworms may also be good for the planet. According to Smithsonian magazine, “a pound of mealworm protein, in particular, had a greenhouse gas footprint 1% as large as a pound of beef.”

Um….excuse me for just a sec………….

Honeeee……..forget making lunch. I’m really not very hungry right now.

Now our last option for making a very delicious meal. Locusts.

Yes, locusts. And Gawd knows if you live in one of those areas that from time to time gets invaded by a giant swarm of locusts, it could either be a bad thing or a good thing.locusts1

The bad thing, those suckers come in swarms and eat everything in site….maybe you as well.

The good news. If you know locusts are coming, do not eat for several days, as well as your family,…….hell, the whole town, and when those locusts come, fire up the grill and have a freakin’ feast.

I guess it’s a matter of who can move the fastest. The locusts as they swarm down on ya or you getting them on the grill. Kind of a toss-up.

So, there ya have it. Some really great ideas on how to save on your food budget.

Editorial Cartoon

Editorial Cartoon

I know this sounds like a really gross menu to consider, BUT, think of it in another way. Think of the money you’ll save on not having to buy “RAID,” Ant Cups, netting to repel locusts, getting freaked out if a caterpillar drops down your shirt, or a grasshopper leaps from the ground and lands on your hamburger while you’re cooking it on the grill.

Um, cept for that last one. Personally if I were cooking a hamburger and a grasshopper landed on my hamburger, I’d just let it fry with the burger. Who the hell is gonna know the difference.

Cause “I’M NOT gonna be the one eating it, AND, I’m sure as hell not gonna throw out a perfectly good hamburger.

Um......maybeeeee not

Um……maybeeeee not

Bon apptite.

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April……Days You Should Be Celebrating You Fools. Um….only if you’re an April fool.

aprilfool

Soooo, here we are all looking forward to how we can spend our days entertaining ourselves during the month of April. Providing, of course, that you haven’t used up all of your energy going around making a complete fool of yourself with those inane April fools one liners.

The downside of April Fools jokes at work

The downside of April Fools jokes at work

First of all, we have monthly celebrations which consist of, “National Humor Month,” which is great for me, being a humor writer, and not so good for you if you have absolutely no sense of humor. It that’s the case, DO NOT continue reading this blog you damn idiot.

Then there’s “National Poetry Month” to which I will defer to that all time favorite, “Roses are red, violets are blue, you’re reading this blog because your life sucks, and have nothing better to do.”

And, finally, “Stress Awareness Month.” To which I once again offer you this pill to help you relieve any stress that you may have.

Works for me.....

Works for me…..

April 2nd is “National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day.” If you wear dentures ya might wanna pass on this celebration if ya catch my drift.

 

Obviously a "Sexonutter" sandwich

Obviously a “Sexonutter” sandwich

Love to tell lies you bastard. Well, April 4th was made just for you. It’s “Tell A Lie Day.” Nobody likes a liar. Um….cept for the girls Pinocchio dates.

Actually, sometimes lying is a good thing.....

Actually, sometimes lying is a good thing…..

The 6th, if you tend to one of those doom and gloom people, is “Plan Your Epitaph Day.”

Sometimes I DO worry about this.....

Sometimes I DO worry about this…..

The 6th is also “Sorry Charlie Day.” In memory of Charlie Tuna I assume. Which reminds me of that old line, “You can tune a piano but ya can’t tune a fish.” charlie tuna

“Draw A Picture of A Bird Day” we celebrate on April 8th. Why? Who TF in their right mind knows.

I opted not to draw my favorite bird.....but instead, post this pic of my favorite bird

I opted not to draw my favorite bird…..but instead, post this pic of my favorite bird. The “Booby Bird.”

“8-Track Tape Day” is on the 11th and I’m sure, if you’re 75 and older, you might be anticipating celebrating.  By perhaps burning them or throwing them out. HEY! Go try and find a damn 8-track player to play them on you dumb ass.

Oh sure.....I bet you're dating a damn iPod ya jerk

Oh sure…..I bet you’re dating a damn iPod ya jerk

My favorite all time April celebration on the 14th is “Ex Spouse Day.”  Cripes, just being free is worth celebrating without having to commit murder. My thinking anyhow.

Soreeee.......couldn't resist this one.......

Soreeee…….couldn’t resist this one…….M

Nope....I'm really not.....

Nope….I’m really not…

The 14th is “Look Up At The Sky Day.” It’s a bird!!!!! It’s a plane!!!! It’s……..aw f**k it’s a freakin’ bird…..damn!

The disadvantages of not having privacy when you're Superman

The disadvantages of not having privacy when you’re Superman

April 15th is “Titanic Remembrance Day.”

ICEBERG!!!!!!!!!!!! ICEBERG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Only kidding……

Yes, we all remember THIS famous image

Yes, we all remember THIS famous image

But never got to see this less famous one

But never got to see this less famous one

Wanna appreciate bats. Um, no, not baseball bats ya dummy. Bat bats. The ones that freak out a lot of people. Excluding Dracula and Batman. “Bat Appreciation Day” is on April 17th.

The moment Rodney realized he was not cut out to be a bat

The moment Rodney realized he was not cut out to be a bat

“Blah, Blah, Blah Day”is in April 17. This makes complete sense if you own a cat or a dog.

Need I say more...um...oh...blah, blah, blah, blah

Need I say more…um…oh…blah, blah, blah, blah

Kindergarten Day” is on April 21st. Yes, we’ve all been there. I have very fond memories of kindergarten. Until……………..

I personally loved to play in the sand box in kindergarten...until this incident happened

I personally loved to play in the sand box in kindergarten…until this incident happened

And finally, on April 27th, “Babe Ruth Day.” You can celebrate by watching old clips of Babe Ruth hitting baseballs, or, simply buy a Baby Ruth candy bar and say screw it.

Or.......freak out the neighborhood kids

Or…….freak out the neighborhood kids

So, there ya have it. Some of the days you should be celebrating in April.

I personally still enjoy “Kindergarten Day.” With 3 cats and a huge (not kidding) litter box I get to play in the sand each and every day. Just to piss off the cats when they come down to use it. Love to see them cross their legs while waiting to go to the bathroom.
Revenge is sweet.

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Who TF ARE These People? And I Should Give a Flying F**K Why?

Ok, first of all I freely admit I am a dinosaur. Soon to be extinct. Hopefully not too soon.

That said, which obviously I just did, I’m sitting around scanning through the latest issue of “US Magazine.” Not that I would actually buy that magazine, because I don’t have a freakin’ clue as to who half the people pictured in it are.

Possibly because most of the celebrities (cough) were born two or three months ago. Kidding of course, but it sure as hell seems that way to me.

mmmmm

Who ARE these f**king people!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, why TF some of these celebrities (cough again) are in that magazine beats the crap outta me. And, who actually gives a rats ass what the hell all of them are doing on any given day. Unless you personally don’t have a life to speak of and just wanna see what celebrities who also don’t have a life do.

Now for instance, do I care about the Kardashian clan? F**K NO. Do I care what half of them are doin’ with their kids? Again F**K NO. Do I care what the F**K some celebrities have in their purses? (a feature in “US Magazine.”) Gimmie a break.

So, the answer there is a resounding “F**K NO!!!!!!”

Now my thinking is that someone needs to realize that, as hard as this may be to believe, that besides celebrities there are actually real everyday people I’d rather be reading about rather than what the hell any celebrity is doing on any given day.

Yeah, like this "real person" who resembles Alfred E. Neuman

Yeah, like this “real person” who resembles Alfred E. Neuman

I mean, if that magazine is gonna highlight celebs with their babies, romping around on beaches, shopping, showing what’s in their purses, and what TF they’re wearing, HEY, how about a magazine that shows what the hell real people are doing for cripes sake. THAT I can relate to.

Like, say, my friend Tom singing karaoke at the local VFW.

Tome, on occasion does have to follow some really goods acts at the VFW

Tom, on occasion does have to follow some really goods acts at the VFW

Or my friend Bobby walking his dogs as they pee and poop.

MMMMM

Would have made a really great pic in “US Magazine.”

Or my cousin Ernie and his wife Phyllis sunning in Florida.

Um......maybeeeeee not

Um……maybeeeeee not

Or my other cousin Richie tooling around in his hot Mustang.

MMMM

BUT….when I finally get behind the wheel….boy am I hot lookin’

Or my other half Leilani swiffering cat fur balls and dirt residue I track in from being outside.

Sometimes while swiffering ya have to go right to the source

Sometimes while swiffering ya have to go right to the source

Or, for that matter, me under my truck attempting to fix something, but, really catching a few Z’s rather than having to do yard work.

Then there are paparazzi pics that could also be in a magazine that highlight local people. You know, stuff like Lola LaFemme, the 70-year-old retired stripper that lives down the street but still  likes to get undressed with her shades up.

mmmmm

Makes sense to me

Or, my neighbor across the street Tom driving over during a snowstorm with his John Deere 5,000,000 horsepower snow blower to help me clear out my driveway as the medics attempt to administer me CPR for trying to shovel it out myself.

My neighbor Tom's snowblower

My neighbor Tom’s snowblower

 

My snowblower

My snowblower

See, stuff like that would interest all of us instead of reading about what the hell stupid celebrities are doing. Ya think THEY do this stuff?  When have ya even seen a photo of Brad Pitt or Heidi Klum scooping up dog or cat poop?

Ya see celebrities hob nobbing in Mexico, Jamaica and all kinds of exotic islands. BUT, do ya see any pics of my friend Sharon hangin’ over a fence in Springfield, Massachusetts where a new casino is being built salivating over the possibility of going there to play slot machines? Do ya punk? NO!

mmmmmm

Sharon’s backup plan before she learned they were actually going to build a casino in Springfield, Massachusetts

And wearing clothes………..do “I” care WTF celebrities are wearing. Again, F**K NO! I have enough problems figuring out what the hell I’m gonna wear. And it sure as hell isn’t gonna be a pair of designer jeans with sequins while wearing a pair of $700 sneakers.

So, “US Magazine” to me is totally useless because I don’t give a big rats ass WTF any of those people are doin.’ EVER!

Unless one of them buys the farm (dies) and then I kinda scan their obit. Then again, I scan all the daily obits just to make sure I’m not in there.obit1

I might add, because I know you’re asking yourselves, “Hey bozo, why do ya buy that magazine then?” Well pal, I don’t buy it, never would, cause I get it for free because I’m a blogger and I guess they felt if they sent it to me for zip I’d give it some great reviews……like this one today. Heh, heh.

I also might add that upon receiving my latest issue of “Playboy Magazine,” which I DO subscribe to, but have canceled any further issues, I immediately filed it into my circular file. (garbage can)

Playboy is now an over glorified "Esquire" and "Maxim" magazine bordering on looking like "Highlights Magazine."

Playboy is now an over glorified “Esquire” and “Maxim” magazine bordering on looking like “Highlights Magazine.”

My thinking. 60 years of a great classic men’s magazine down the tubes because some a**hole brainiac decided to scrap half of the magazines contents to make it (cough and gag) better. How’s that workin’ out for ya Playboy?

So, in conclusion, until some bright blub publishes a magazine about REAL people, (slugs like us) they can go stick their celeb magazines up their kazoos. (no disrespect to anyone who owns or plays a kazoo)

Get those local paparazzi’s into Wal-Mart, Home Depot, Lowes, Best Buy, Target, Sears, BJ’s, buying coffee at Dunkin Donuts, at the casinos, grocery shopping, picking up dog and cat poop, cutting their lawns, emptying their purses at a 7 Eleven to find the correct stinkin’ change, (old ladies) and holding signs at red light saying, “How about a buck to help me out pal” signs.

NOW THAT kinda magazine I’d read.

mmmm

Um, cept for that one time some paparazzi caught me buying a doll for…um…er…….neverrrrrr mind

(sigh)

Right now I’m relegated to reading “Catster Magazine” (formerly Cat Fancy Magazine) only because there are no celebrities in there and it doesn’t stress me out reading WTF stupid celebrities are doing in their lives.

Besides, when was the last time you read about a cat getting divorced, separated, having an affair, wearing a Versace outfit, or sunning itself on the Riviera.

I stand corrected

I stand corrected

Just sayin.’

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Posted in current events humor | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments
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