I Have Become A Receipt Pack Rat. Ya Just Can’t Throw ANYTHING Away!!!!!!!!

And they said computers would save paper

And they said computers would save paper

I have decided that I am going to build a special room in my basement to house all of the various receipts I get when I go shopping and buy something.

Why?

I’ll tell ya why. BECAUSE IF YA DON’T YOU’RE, AT SOME POINT, GONNA GET F**KED! By wonderful manufacturers who make crap products and, of all things, want a damn receipt for that crap product you bought several months ago and it no longer works or ya break it if you want a replacement or a refund.

Hope he kept the receipt

Hope he kept the receipt

YES….yet another MisfitWisdom product crapola product rant. If only to save the rest of you consumers the agony of buying this product and having to dig through tons of receipts to find the one you need, but, of course, it’s never there.receipt1

Soooo, as the story goes, I wanted one of those driveway illumination light sets that light up, (duh) your driveway like an airport runway so that you can zip in at the dead of night doing 65 mph without having to guess where the driveway is when its..(duh) in the dead of night. (It’s dark around my house)

BUT….unlike normal people, I wanted one of those power packs that ya plug in rather than solar lighting. WHY? Because solar lighting basically sucks. At least the ones I’ve owned in the past.

So, I bought a “Malibu” 40 watt power pack with all of the bells and whistles for about $40 bucks from Home Depot. It had everything on it that would make lighting up an electric chair a whiz. If I actually had an electric chair I wanted to light up that is.

A timer, (oh joy) a clock (oh joy) manual or automatic settings (oh double joy) and it was built to withstand a nuclear attack and all kinds of weather including attacks by invading locusts. In my case, gypsy moths.

So, I bought it. What the hell. It came with a money back guarantee.

Cue the Billy Joel song (below)

Yep, worked fine for about 8 months. I was even able to zip into my driveway on many occasions backwards in the dead of night. Um, I do that a lot because on MY street, a main highway, you DO NOT want to back out. Lest you become a windshield wiper bug.

As I said, it worked fine for 8 months, then, blotto. It would not work.

Now, I had mounted this box which was weatherproof outside. Which made sense to me considering it was weatherproof. So they say in their manual. BUT…I figured they may have lied. Perhaps the weather got to it.

What to do?

Hmmm. How about I take the box back and get a replacement.

BUT…..go figure. They actually wanted a receipt that I could show them indicating that I had bought the box I was holding in my hand. Again…go figure.

Sooooo. Do ya think I cold find that #@!*%#! receipt. Noooooooooo.

After all, EVERYBODY saves receipts.

Woof.....

Woof…..

So, I said, “Screw it.” It was only $40 bucks. THIS after remembering that my friend Bobby actually bought it for me because he’s such a nice guy. Which meant that was the reason I didn’t have that damn receipt. Oh yeah…..neither did he.

Soooooo. I bought another one of those Malibu lights, mainly because it was the only one that was not strictly solar, and I figured, “Hey, what are the chances of another light going bonkers.”

Yep….five months later, AND, wiring this sucker INSIDE the basement, jusssst in case they lied about it being weatherproof, it too crapped out. WTF!

Do ya think I could find that damn receipt? Of course not. This after an exhaustive in-house investigation by me, my other half, the CIA, FBI, NSA, Hillary Clinton’s e-mails, the Benghazi Committee and Wolf Blitzer.

BUT……I have every other receipt for everything I ever bought dating back to 2007 AD. WTF! (again)'Actually, sir, if you read your receipt, it says monkey-back guarantee!'

The bad news is that I called Malibu Lighting and cried my eyes out, (figured crying helps sometimes) and the service tech said that they’d replace it for free if I just simply sent them my receipt. (you know where that went)

The good news is that Home Depot, (crying my eyes out again when they couldn’t find any record of my receipt either, or that I actually exist) felt, as Bill Clinton would say, “Ah feel yer pain.” actually felt my pain and sent me a $10 gift certificate…..for my pain of course.

Now the moral to this boring story is that you should never….I say NEVER throw out receipts that you get from ANY store that you made a purchase at. NEVER!!!!

SEEEE! Exactly my point!

SEEEE! Exactly my point!

Build yourselves a special vault where you can store receipts from the day you were born until the day you die….jusssst in case. Might even wanna take a selfie of yourself whenever you buy something with someone holding up a time and date cue card behind you and the store clerk holding what you bought in their hand.

Oh yeah….get a bunch of witnesses, (other shoppers) in the photo too. Just in case ya wanna go to court of something.

Now the only other option consumers have with regard to losing a receipt and wanting to take an item back to a store and get a replacement and NOT having that receipt, is to invest in a really good photo shop app for your computer and make up your own receipts when the occasion arises.

After all, you’re not scamming them outta anything. Ya just want a stinkin’ replacement. If a receipt makes them happy……f**k it….give them a receipt. Then EVERYBODY’S happy, happy, happy.

OR……..find one of these guys…………….receipts7

In the meantime, I’m saving up just in case I can find another manufacturer other than Malibu that has a wired in power pack. I figure on my income it’ll take me several months to save up that $40 bucks.

BUT….in the meantime I’ve solved the problem by simply installing brown paper bags with candles and sand in them along my driveway when we go out at night.

Um....I have a tricky driveway

Um….I have a tricky driveway

My other half complains every time we have to light those things because the matches keep blowing out from the wind, so I bought her one of those propane igniters to keep her quiet.

AND……I kept the receipt…..just in case.

So far it’s working out just fine………um……with just one minor incident….but……we DO have homeowners insurance.

mmmmmm

Honeeeeee! I told ya….light one bag at a time for cripes sake!!!!

Just sayin.’

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Ted Cruz Cruising Along In The Land Of Oz……..Subtitled: HE SAID WHAT??????

mmmm

But a nut case………….

Cruising right along in the lant….(how Lawrence Welk would have pronounced “land”) of that wonderful philosopher Teddy Cruz, second only to that other great philosopher, Mitty Romney, (corporations are great people too ya know) ol Teddy has some pretty strange ideas on a woman’s hymen.

You know, that pesky little thingy that George Washington, as a mere child, told his father that he had chopped….um….WAIT! I think I got that wrong.

Sorry….it was a “”cherry tree” that George chopped down which had cherries on it that he told his father that he couldn’t tell a lie and admitted to chopping it down.

Um….then again, hymens are slangy referred to as “cherries,” sooooooooooo, I wasn’t too far off base.

First……a brief look at Teddy’s life…………….cruz2

In yesterday’s “New York Times” they decided to take a look back into Teddy’s college days when he may, or may have not either chopped down a cherry tree or two himself, or managed to indulge in some other extracurricular activity with the other kind of cherry.

The article pointed out that Ted was a masturbator and………oops…..sorry, (DAMN! Read that wrong. I really need to get a new eyeglass prescription.

The article actually said, (using a magnifying glass) “Ted was a “master debater” while in college and during an attempt at humor, and we all know what a funny guy he is, said the following.

(in quotes from the Times article)

“In one debate, he proposed a method to detect infidelity, in which God should “give women a hymen that grows back every time she has intercourse with a different guy, because that will be a ‘visible sign’ of the breach of trust …”

Huh?

Let me see if I understand this correctly. IF……IF……that were possible, (cough) how would that be a “breach of trust” if the hymen grew back? Am I missing his point here?

Page 4: Hymen coloring

Page 4: Hymen coloring

Now, my thinking, (not being the brightest crayon in the box) IF….IF…..a woman’s hymen were actually able to grow back then she’d obviously, in any guy’s eyes who had sex with her, be considered a virgin.

(can ya tell I grew up in the 50’s)

Ya see folks. If ya had sex with a girl, (in my day, 1950’s AD) and she was a virgin, there were tell-tale signs she WAS a virgin.

(no…I’m not going to explain those signs….if you’re so stupid you don’t know……then every woman who tells you she’s a virgin and that you’re the first guy she’s been with, and you believe it…..I got a bridge in Brooklyn I’ll sell ya reallllllll cheap)

So what Ted means, I guess, and this is a wild stab, is that if a woman’s hymen DOES grow back, (a star will ultimately rise in the East) that it is a “breach of trust” because the poor bastard who had sex with her, I’m assuming after she’s re-grown several or more hymens, would think she’s a virgin, and, trust her, but, she’d be lying, which, I guess, would be a breach of trust.

Damn……this is sooooooooo confusing.

But….ya gotta admit, Ted really is a funny funny guy….heh, heh, heh.cruz1

I can’t wait for him to explain where babies come from.

Better yet……..possibly how a virgin can have a baby.

WAIT! OMFG!!!!

(sorry God)

That IS possible. Yes….I’m aware of the “Immaculate Conception” many eons ago and the one time a star DID rise in the East. I ain’t stoopid ya know. But the other way. Artificial insemination.

Hmmmm.

So basically that kinda negates the cherry, um….sorry, hymen argument as I see it.

Which also means any woman could be a virgin and be telling the truth…….artificially of course.

Or....T--E-D......D-D-Y....MOUSEEEEEEE

Or….T–E-D……D-D-Y….MOUSEEEEEEE

Um….scuse me……..I have to listen to this recording so that I can understand everything. I think Ted Cruz may be considering re-recording it….

Just sayin.’

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FINALLY! Somebody Tells Us How To Communicate With Cats.

kitty1

So the highlight of my day this morning was picking up my local newspaper and reading an article by AP reporter Sue Manning entitled, “Cats Chat With Us Through Meows, Blinks and Roving Whiskers.”

I might add that there was nothing in that article that said anything about cats communicating with us by barfing on every man-made object we have in our house. Or their perfect timing when barfing up hairballs, which is usually at dinnertime or when you have to make a trip to the bathroom in the dead of night and it’s dark and you’re in your bare feet.kitty3

Obviously Sue either does not have a cat that barfs, or, has a weak stomach and gets queasy writing about cat barfing up hairballs. My guess anyhow.

Soooooo. What does she reveal to all of us about cats communicating with their owners. (frankly, its cats that own us)kitty6

First of all Sue writes that “meows mean a lot of things.”

“With each purr, yowl or blink, felines are saying, “Hello,” “Let’s snuggle,” or “Beat it Mom.”

As far as I’m concerned, “meow” is “meow.” If any of you cat owners can get anything else outta a simple, “meow,” consider yourself gifted, or just plain nuts.

When a simple meow is not enough

For those times when a simple meow is not enough

The only time “I” understand what a “meow” means is if I am within 2 feet of the cat snack jar and they meow, THEN I completely understand what “meow” means.

“Fork over the snacks pal.”

Now if all this is very intriguing to you, then you might wanna rush out to your local bookstore and buy a copy of  the National Geographic book “How To Speak Cat” by Dr. Gary Weitzman, president and CEO of the San Diego Humane Society.

If this guy spends as much time as I think he does talking to cats I’m thinking his social life with real people must suck. Or he’s into snorting catnip big time.

“Hey handsome, you’re kinda really a hot looking guy. Wanna come up to my place honeeee?”

“Um, ya got a big litter box? Purrrrr.”kitty5

Now the article also states that cats can make 16 different meow sounds.

REALLY!

16 different meow sounds? Cripes, again, meow sounds like meow to me.

BUT……this next one I do understand. And that is that the meaning of a scratch or a hiss is pretty clear. Just like if my other half scratches me or hisses. NOW THAT I COMPLETELY GET! Kind of a no brainer.

Another piece of cat info is when your cat winks at you. Similar to when you’re in a bar and some babe winks at you. Cept in this case we’re talkin’ about cats.

A slow blink from them means, (the cat and not the babe in the bar) you’re getting a kitty kiss. When you’re in a bar that slow wink means something entirely different. Like, “Hey baybeee……..comeon’ over here big boy and we’ll get it on………after you buy me a few drinks.’

Did ya notice that cats are like women as I’m reading this article.kitty4

For instance, when cats extend their tails straight up that equates to a human handshake. And if a cat approaches you with its tail up, it’s happy to see you.

SEE…..same thing if you’re in a bar and a woman approaches you. I told ya women are like cats.

BUT WAIT! There’s more to figuring out what cats are tryin’ to tell ya.

Like ear and whisker movements.

If a cat’s ears are flat, don’t get too close because that means it’s scared of something or facing an impending fight. BTW….I DID notice this reaction from Ms. Misfit just the other day when we were in a WalMart and I was ogling some hot looking woman in the cat food aisle.

When a cat is happy, calm, or friendly their whiskers are naturally out to the side. Same effect for myself having a goatee.kitty8

Finally, a cat tip for anyone, from the article, about choosing a cat. “Happy Cats Sanctuary” in Medford, New York, which is either rest home for cats or a place cats can hang out if they’re homeless, advise you to not to go by looks alone when choosing a cat because “the true indicator of compatibility is spending time with a cat and getting to know it.”

Again, just as you would do with a woman.

Unless, you’re again, in a bar and simply looking for a one night stand.

Purrrrrrrrrrrrr.

mmmmm

Meowrrrrrrrrr…………….

Just sayin.’

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Ladders: We Simply Do Not Seem To Click

ladder2

Every year this time when I get into my 25 page list of things that need to be done, (compiled by my other half) I know at some point a ladder is going to be involved.

Now first of all, let me state that I have no fear of ladders, climbing a ladder, or, for that matter, walking under one.

BUT…..for some strange reason ladders and I do not click. I kinda feel it’s some sort of ladder retribution for all of the times I used that old ladder joke when I see someone carrying a ladder. You know the old line, “Hey pal, whaddya doin’……takin’ yer case to a higher court…heh, heh, heh.”

So now all of sudden the past few years ladders are out to get me.

Last year while building my MisfitWisdom dog house, (backyard shed) I fell off a freakin’ ladder 6 times. Fortunately, for me, there were bushes and soft ground to cushion my fall. Yep, a few scrapes and scratches, but otherwise no trip needed to the emergency room.

The year before while cleaning the outside windows on the house using a step stool type ladder, I fell off of that onto the sidewalk while my other half was cleaning the inside of the windows and she laughed her butt off while I was lying there writhing in pain.

I think she may have then checked my life insurance policy just to see if is was still valid.

Son-of-a-bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!

Son-of-a-bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!

The year before that I was painting our kitchen walls and had one foot on that a step stool ladder and the other on the counter top and slipped and fell on to the floor with paint going everywhere. Did she worry about me then?

Nope……worried about the paint all over the place.

Soooo. This year I got my falling routine out of the way quickly, rather than wait around and have her have to wait all summer long for her falling ladder entertainment.

BUT….I was smart. I made sure she was busy before I performed my comedy routine this time.

I had just finished sealing our roof, and was gathering up all the tools, some of which I just tossed off the roof, and held on to the tar soaked broom and big sealer bucket to take down with me.

Now, as I hate having to make two trips up and down the ladder, due to my odds of at some point falling off, I figured I’d climb down the ladder while holding on to the broom and the empty bucket.

Nooooooo problem…..so I thought.

!@#!!@$!...........

!@#!!@$!………..

BUT…….(you know where this is going) halfway down I missed a rung on the ladder, slipped, fell on to the sidewalk with broom and bucket flying, landed on the tar covered broom and knocked my head on the sidewalk.

Truly a comedic stunt worthy of “America’s Funniest Home Videos.”

Soooooooo. As I once again lay there writhing in pain and lying on that tar covered boom I yelled out for my other half. Did she hear me? Of course not. And ya would think after all my ladder falling episodes she’d have been right there waiting in anticipation…….life insurance policy in hand. Cell phone in the other.

One call to the EMT’s, the other to call the insurance company to see how long it would take to get that check upon my unfortunate demise.ladder3

Soooooooooooo. I drag my aching body up, head into the house and inform her of my 2015 ladder falling episode.

“Oh, dear, are ya ok? WAIT…..you’ve got tar all over your back. STOP! Take that shirt off NOW and don’t touch anything.”

“But honeeeee, I’m in pain and I konked my head on the sidewalk and I feel kinda dizzy…I might pass out!”

“NO! Don’t you dare pass out until you take that tar covered shirt off. You’ll get tar all over the rugs and on the kitchen floor.”ladder4

Sooooooooooooooo. I take my shirt off and leaves fall outta it, which sends her into a frenzy.

What immediate action does she take? Yep….dust pan and broom as I stand there woozy.

You can see by now that after all these years of falling off of ladders, her main priority is keeping the house clean and not letting, leaves, tar, blood, and me passing out getting in the way, Gawd I love her.

So, as I see it, after years of performing that ladder routine, I’m either going to kill myself falling off of a ladder one of these days, or I’m going to kill her for laughing all of the times I’m lying there writhing in pain and worrying about me getting the floors dirty.

Justifiable homicide as I see it.

Might have to take my case to a higher court…….heh, heh, heh.

mmmmm

Meanwhile on the other side of town, author and blogger Misfit, blogged her to death

Just sayin.’

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The Drought Is Over……..FINALLY….An Idiot Steps Forward.

When it comes to spotting an idiot….normally this image comes to mind first………….idiot2However, a female CEO in Dallas, Texas, (the political brain pool of America) has joined the endless list of idiots by creating a controversy after she said…..(get ready for this) women shouldn’t be presidents, (are ya ready for this again) because……because…….of different hormones and Biblical reasoning.

Sooooooooooo. Who is this CEO and what are the who, where, what and whys of her making such and idiotic assessment about women,?

Well, here she is folks……..and, I know you men are saying to yourselves after seeing this photo, “OMFG! Geez…..cut her some slack will ya….maybe she has a point….or two. Um….are ya SURE she’s an idiot.” (I base this on the fact that all men are boobs and that’s what they’re looking at)

MMMMMM

Hi guys……………

(the story from the web site Inquistr)

Cheryl Rios, CEO of Dallas marketing and public relations firm Go Ape Marketing, revealed in a Facebook post that she would move to Canada if Hillary Clinton was voted in as president of the United States.“If this happens – I am moving to Canada,” Rios wrote, according to CBS affiliate DFW.

“There is NO need for her as she is not the right person to run our country – but more importantly a female shouldn’t be president. Let the haters begin… but with the hormones we have there is no way we should be able to start a war. Yes I run my own business and I love it and I am great at it BUT that is not the same as being the President, that should be left to a man, a good, strong, honorable man.”

“Rios’ post has caught the attention of people all across the country. CBS 11’s Steve Pickett spoke with Rios about her post and she said she stands behind what she said. She claims she supports “equal rights” but doesn’t think that a woman would be a good fit for president.”

Yep…..a woman should not be President according to Ms. Rios. We all know only men like Queen Elizabeth, Germany’s Chancellor Angela Merkel, Denmark’s Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt, Jamica’s Prime Minister Portia Simpson, South Korea’s President Park Geun, and Prime Minister Ewa Kopaz of Poland are all good strong honorable men.

Um….WAIT! OMG!!! They’re not men!!!! They’re women.

Holy crap!!!! Does Ms Rios know this?

Apparently not. Which…..me thinkith, makes her a complete full-fledged class A-1 unquestionable…………..IDIOT!

idiot3

But, obviously not knowing her history when it comes to opening her mouth and inserting her high heels, she went on to idiotize….(my word)

“I believe in what I said. There’s an old biblical sound reasoning why a woman shouldn’t be President.”

“We’re built differently, we have different hormones,” she added. “In the world we live in, we have equal rights…and I support all of that. I don’t support a woman being President.”

However, many people on a lot of social media sites, who are not idiots, took to the Internet and let into her. A tremendous backlash.

But, did that deter her from once again inserting her next pair of high heels into her mouth?

Apparently not, as she issued this statement

“Will say this and leave it at that. I believe in what I believe. In this great country we are allowed our own opinions. Mine may be something you don’t agree with, and so be it. I am old fashioned, I am Christian and believe what I have said.”

“I didn’t say that women should be abused, or that they are stupid or can’t be lawyers, doctors or run successful businesses, I fully know and support that they can as I have done that. I mentioned one position only the Head of our government, the Head of State, the Commander in Chief, the President.”

“With that, please stop the nastiness as it wasn’t meant in that light. Peace, Love and Happiness.”

OK….OK……sorry…you’re right Ms. Rios. Peace, love and happiness.

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!! Are you nucking futs for cripes sake? Get a damn 21st century grip. These are not the freakin’ stone ages where ya club a woman and drag her off to a cave and have your way with her.

mmmmm

Then they became CEO’s of companies

On second thought…..she IS f**king nuts. And an idiot.

The sad part is that she made it to the status of being a CEO.

Chief Ediot Officer.

Ok…so I flunked spelling. I’m NOT a CEO ya know.

Just sayin.’idiot1

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Dear Mr. Misfit…..You’re Pre-Approved For (gasp) $15,000.00

credit1

YES! It’s true I tell ya!!! True!!! It sez it right here in this official letter I got in the mail today.

It said, “Dear Richard, (aka Misfit)

“Borrowing money should be easy. (I agree) You shouldn’t have to go to a bank and wait weeks for a decision. (geez….banks take that long…go figure) With “Prosper” (the company that sent me my offer) you won’t) (sounds good to me) Our online application is fast, easy, and free. (free always sounds inviting doesn’t it) You can check your rate, choose your offer, and get your money in a few as 3 days.

Even better, (kinda like in those TV ads where they say, “BUT WAIT”) you’re already “pre-approved.” (yep….no hassles…I’m already pre-approved) Use a loan through “Prosper” to get out from under those bills, or get the cash you need. (well, I COULD use some cash cause nobody donates to this stupid blog) Do it today. You’ll be glad you did.”

Boy was I excited. Here I was “pre-approved” for up to $15,000.000. OMFG!!!!

AND…..not only that, but they even sent me a special one of a kind honest to goodness personalized secret “pre-approved” offer code. YES! my own personalized code that meant that not only was I “pre-approved” but on top of being “pre-approved” I got a code that guaranteed that I’m “pre-approved.”

Ya can’t get any more “pre-approved than THAT!!!!!

mmmmmm

Oops…….

BUT WAIT!!!!  Not only did I get that “pre-approved” letter, and my “pre-approved” special code, but, a make-believe check with my name on it made out in the amount of $15,000.00, Holy crap!!! I wasn’t only “pre-pre-approved” but super “pre-improved.”

(photo of my “pre-approved” check below. I blanked out my name and my “pre-approved” code just  in case someone else, like a despicable no good rotten ratfink trys to take advantage of my “pre-approved” status)prosper offer

Now, considering that at the bottom of that check it clearly states that I have to take advantage of my “pre-approved” offer by May 8, 2015, I decided that I’d better act fast, otherwise I’d lose out on my “pre-approved” offer. Along with he fact that this was a once in a lifetime opportunity considering I don’t get “pre-approved” too often. Like never.

Sooooo. I follow the instructions and go on-line and fill out their form, which clearly asks for my “pre-approved” special code, which means I’m “pre-approved” and means that if I’m “pre-approved” I don’t have to go through the hassle of filling out those long forms with all of my personal information on it.

After all, if I was “pre-approved” then they must have checked me out already and saw that I warranted being “pre-approved” so therefore they sent me that letter with my “pre-approved” classification and I was all set to go.

mmmmmm

Yep….I was right up there with the U.S. government

HOT DANG!!!!  I could be a thousandaire in ten minutes by simply sending in my “pre-approved” code.

Which I did. BUT…..figuring I really didn’t need $15,000.00, and, not wanting to appear greedy, I simply requested a mere $5,000.00 just to tide me over. You know, pay a few bills, publish my new book, do some needed repairs around the house and maybe go full hog and dine out at McDonald’s.

In less than 2 minutes I got my response.

“Oh, we’re sorry Mr. Misfit. You do not meet our criteria for granting you your loan request based on the fact that your credit rating is jussssst a bit lower than we normally require……soreeeeeee.”

So I sez to myself….WTF!

“Criteria? But…..but…..but…..I was “pre-approved.” If ya “pre-approved” me how can ya reject my application considering YOU “pre-approved” me in the first place AND I had a special one of a kind super-duper “pre-approved” honest to goodness “Prosper” code?

So, being a bit curious, I called and asked them that question.

“Well Mr. Misfit, we see that you were indeed “pre-approved” and we DID give you a  supercalifragilisticexpialidocious “pre-pproved” one of a kind code saying that you were “pre-approved” BUT…….did you read the small print on our “pre-approved” notice?”

“Um….small print? Um….no. Should I read it now?”

“Well, it’s a bit late for that now, but “I’ll read it to you. It says, “This “pre-screened” offer of credit is based on information in your credit report indicating that you meet certain criteria and……………”

“WAIT! You just said that you made me that offer based on MY credit report, so if ya already looked at my credit report, WTF is the problem?”

“Well, if you’ll stop interrupting me I’ll read the rest which says, “This offer is not guaranteed if you do not meet our criteria.”

“Hmmmmm. Let me see if I understand this correctly. In the first paragraph it sez, “This “pre-screened” offer of credit is based on information in your credit report indicating that you meet certain criteria.”  BUT…..the next line sez, “This offer is not guaranteed if you do not meet our criteria.” Did I read that correctly?

“Yes…..what part of you meet our criteria, then if you do not meet our criteria do you not understand Mr. Misfit?”

“I dunno, I guess that “pre-approved” part threw me off a bit. Along with my special secret code.” Gawd….I feel soooooo stoopid.”

Like in, Yankees 14 - Red Sox 4

Like in, Yankees 14 – Red Sox 4

So, in conclusion, as you all know by now, I was “pre-approved” as I met their criteria when they decided to “pre-approve me in the first place before mailing out that letter to me stating that I was “pre-approved” but when I filled out the “pre-approved” application I then apparently was “un-approved” because I did not meet the criteria that they said I met the first time they checked out my credit so they therefore “un-approved” me.

As far as I can determine, all this is similar to “pre-ejaculation.”

You have great expectations but in the end fall a bit short of your goal.

Which doesn’t say a lot for being “pre-approved” or having a “pre-ejaculation.”

Both of which are very frustrating…..to say the least.

Cripes………NOW how am I gonna raise money?hand job cartoon

Just sayin.”

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Are There Any Investigative Reporters Out There Interested In Stuff Other Than Benghazi?

books2

Now if someone wrote a really inspirational story about some guy in a foreign country named Ben Ghazi, I might be inclined to read it. But, that said, which I just did, I think I’ve had it up to my eye balls in Benghazi stories.

Yes, I do understand the political aspect of continuing to harp on Benghazi. Works for anyone who absolutely is terrified of  Hillary Clinton becoming the next president of the Yew United States.

My thinking….if that’s your thing….go for it.

But…..that said, which I just did again, I’m wondering why I can’t seem to find an investigate reporter to take on a company that, (if Hillary Clinton owned) would be all over these scammers like stink on dog doo doo.

The company I am referring to was once known as “Publish America” and is now known as “American Star Books” and most likely will be known as something else once people catch on how they run their scam operation.books1

A few years ago I bought into their, “Hey pal, we’ll publish your book for nothing, zilch, nada, zippo, and all ya have to do is sign this here contract for seven years and we’ll do the rest for ya.”

Yep…we’ll design your cover, get you all the necessary do dads like your ISBN number and stuff and, get this, promote your book EVERYWHERE!!! How great is THAT!!!!

So, being the innocent naive stupido that I was, I bought into their offer.

Subtitled: "Dead In The Water"

Subtitled: “Dead In The Water”

My book, “The Covert Chamber,” a 302 page softcover book was now finished and ready to be published. Soooooo. I figured, “Hey, a 302 page softcover book should sell for, say, anywhere from $9.95 to, at the most, $10.95.” Which I thought was quite reasonable.

So what do these idiots price it at? Read my lips……..$29 freakin’ five!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who in their right mind is gonna pay THAT for a 302 page softcover book? I wouldn’t even buy my own book at that ridiculous price. Unless it had some really great nudity stuff in it. Neither did anyone else.books4

Soooooooo. What has “American Star” books done for me to promote my book over the last 3 years. NOTHING!!!!!!!! Or….zilch, zippo, nada.

Cept……yes……..except for sending me e-mails every single freaking day about how they’re gonna promote my book to God and everyone else in the publishing business.

Um……did I mention for a fee?

Oh yes…..for a mere few dollars. Like anywhere from $99  and up….BUT…….(always a but) no guarantees that when you fork over that money that anyone, other than the guy who cashes your check, will ever know who TF you are or that you wrote a damn book.

Here’s one of their liar liar pants on fire e-mails:Pants+on+fire+Truth-o-meter

America Star Bookswww.americastarbooks.com Follow Us OnFacebook Twitter
Filling up rapidly: only room for 7 more authors. THREE Hollywood talent and literary agents have agreed to look at your work, all three in Beverly Hills.
On Thursday I was excited to announced that 1: Al Pacino‘s agency (also Erin Brockovich‘s, Richard Dreyfuss‘s, and Arnold Schwarzenegger‘s) has agreed to read your book. They even want a hard copy of the book, which is very unusual. Then on Friday we learned that 2: the agent who represents writers for movies such as The Lion King, Armageddon, Batman Returns, Little Nemo, Outbreak, and Millennium also wants to see your work. They were additionally involved with the screenplay for Tom Hanks‘ movie Sleepless in Seattle, and other top films featuring Will Smith, Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford, and Denzel Washington. I talked to Alex at their Wilshire Boulevard office who was very helpful.
Then 3: Molly at a third agency, also at Wilshire Boulevard in Beverly Hills, asked me to send them a well-packaged presentation of your book. They go back a long time, to when their agents represented the likes of Ronald Reagan, Grace Kelly, and Julie Andrews. Once they represent a writer, they tend to stay with you for the duration of a career. More recently they were involved with A&E’s Manhunters.
What an opportunity you have here! Not one but THREE talent and literary agents in Beverly Hills will take a look at you and your book. Read back what I wrote on Thursday about the rapidly changing landscape in Hollywood. Studios are starving for new stories because the demand for new feature films, TV series, and documentary films is bigger and more urgent than ever. Book authors are in high demand today as they are the creators of the movies of tomorrow.
Your book goes to Beverly Hills, 3 times.
Go to www.americastarbooks.net/3BeverlyHills to activate for $99. Use coupon code 3BeverlyHills to reduce your fee from $299 to $99. We can accommodate only 7 more authors/books. I will carefully follow each agency’s guidelines and package your book’s submission for their review. As soon as we get a response from any of these 3 talent and literary agents in Beverly Hills about you and your work, you will be the first to hear it!
If you already signed up for your book’s submission to Al Pacino’s Hollywood agency, we’ll call you to see if you want to be reviewed by the other two Beverly Hills agencies as well.
–Kerrin Wuchter,
America Star Books Special Services
phone: 240 285 9638
DISCLAIMER: America Star Books has no affiliation with any literary agency in Beverly Hills or elsewhere, and/or Al Pacino, Richard Dreyfuss, Judy Collins, Erin Brockovich, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Will Smith, Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford, Denzel Washington, Julie Andrews, and/or media productions such as The Lion King, Armageddon, Batman Returns, Little Nemo, Outbreak, Millennium, Sleepless in Seattle, and/or any of their sponsors or affiliates, and makes no claim to preferential access to or other special treatment from those organizations and/or individuals. No endorsement of any kind is suggested or implied. America Star Books does not guarantee, represent or imply that you will achieve any result or success by participating in this promotion.

 

Did ya read the #*^%$#!!! disclaimer? If ya did, then ya get my point.

mmmmmm

Subtitled: “50 Shades of Hay”

So my challenge to anyone who has investigative reporting skills is this. Why TF aren’t you investigating THESE people on behalf of all authors who have been taken in by these scammers? Get off your damn asses and do something for mankind other than ramming Benghazi down our throats because you can’t think of anything else to write about.

Now I’ve done my part by sending e-mails to “60 Minutes,” (no response) to a fellow reporter on my Facebook page who writes for the Providence Journal, (no response) and to many others, (no responses) WTF!

Do some research. Check out complaints on the web on these people. And go ahead, write a really great expose’.

mmmmm

I restith my case.

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