Back in 2014 I wrote this cat blog because my cats were basically being cats and annoying the hell outta me. So I researched cats and how they played a crucial role in history to see if they served any other purpose other than to be annoying and breathing “fish breath” into your face first thing in the morning and this is what I found.
Having three totally useless do nothing cats myself, I’ve often wondered……..WHY!
Other than someone to talk to when my other half isn’t speaking to me. And even then, I might as well talk to a freakin’ wall, because as we all know, cats can’t talk to you either.
So why have a cat? The gazillion dollar question.
Now, FINALLY comes the explanation out of Philadelphia and a story by the AP.
It seems that back in the 16th century, which we all fondly recall, a German prince, (not the recording artist formally known as Prince) was trying to figure out how to crush a peasant rebellion.
So, I’m assuming as he sat back in his easy chair with his feet up on an ottoman, which, by the way was who he was also worrying about, those no good niks the “Ottomans” and their damn empire, he suddenly had a brainstorm. This, coming after he sneezed and his cat jumped off of his lap thereby digging its claws into his crotch and causing severe pain.
“EUREKA!” I’m assuming he said. AFTER saying $@#!*$#! to the damn cat. “Thouist shall employ the devious nature of thouist kitty and make them there damn Ottomans and peasants pay for their whatever it is I want them to pay for.” Most likely take out food from the castle.
So, according to this article, “fanciful illustrations”, (kinda frilly I guess) from a circa-1530 manual on artillery and siege warfare seem to show jet packs strapped to the backs of cats and doves, with the German-language text helpfully advising military commanders to use them to set fire to a castle or a city when you can’t get to otherwise.”
Which could have been a useful tactic for those people who were stranded on the George Washington bridge in New York last year. Send out a flaming cat across that bridge and everyone scatters. Might have saved Governor Christie’s butt too.
Um, maybeeeeeee not. ASPCA would sure as hell blame him for arming a cat.
So did they really use flaming cats back in the 16th century? And if so, did that tactic actually work? And is THAT where the term “hot pussy” came from? NO WAIT! That was Donald Trump.
According to University of Pennsylvania researcher Mitch Fraas, and an expert on “hot pussys” I assume, he’s not quite sure. Or, as he may have actually said, “How the f**k would I know. I’m a dog person and besides that do I look like I was around during the 15th century you damn idiots?”
Actually Fraas, (rhymes with bras) says, “I really doesn’t know what to make of it. It, (the drawings of cats on fire) clearly looks like there’s some sort of jet of fire coming out of a device strapped to these animals.” (drawing below)
Oops….sorry, wrong picture……(actual drawing below)
Drawings from multiple artists of that era show all sorts of strange and terrible imagery, from bombs packed with shrapnel to missile-like explosive devices studded with spikes along with those weaponized cats and birds.
Which seems logical to me. The bird part that is. After all, those of us who have experience getting pooped on by a bird can very well understand how they could drop a bomb if ya catch my drift here.
But cats? How would ya get a cat to destroy the enemy?
Well, Fraas says you would have to create a small sack like a fire arrow if you wanted to attack a town or a castle. But first, you would have to get a cat that lived in one of those places. THEN, once you got a hold of that cat, you tie the bind with that fire arrow to the back of the cat, ignite it, let it glow well, then let the cat go, and then it runs to the nearest castle or town and out of fear it thinks to hide itself somewhere like in a barn filled with hay or straw where it will be ignited.
I’m assuming by ignited he meant the hay, straw and the cat. Boy were they lucky the ASPCA wasn’t around then. I certainly hope they had some very good emergency rooms around then too. Have ya ever tried to do ANYTHING to a cat that involves strapping something to it? I still have claw marks all over my body from trying to give one of my cats a damn bath. Never mind strapping a flaming device to it.
Fraas said that he could find no evidence that cats or birds were used in early modern warfare. Which he says is a good thing.
“Sort of a harebrained scheme.” he went on to say. “It seems like a really terrible idea, and very unlikely the animals would run back to where they came from. More likely they’d set your own camp on fire.”
Which may account for that 16th century German prince’s demise as he sat on his ottoman, lit up a cat, which then jumped off of his lap, gouging his crotch, which then made the prince grab his balls in pain thereby knocking over the rest of the cat incendiary devices he had next to him, which then set his castle on fire, burned down the rest of the town, and caused the Ottomans to eventually just walk in and take over that town.
Don’t let a bunch of Ottomans from the Ottoman Empire just run in and take over your town. Subscribe to “Direct TV.”
Which is what that prince should have done in the first place rather than screwing around with a bunch of hot pussys.
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