Scientists…….What A Bunch Of Wild And Crazy Guys.

I must admit that as a humor writer I tend to subscribe to a lot of off the wall sites because I obviously, on many occasions,  find something humorous to write about.

This of course excludes the mainstream media sites, which, on occasion, also gives me something humorous to write about. Like the 2016 election. But, today I am NOT GOING THERE.

Um……ok….just this one time……I promise……

mmmm

Me either George…..wanna get a cup of tea? Um…ok, meet me in Boston harbor.

Besides, I’m getting low on my tranquilizers so I don’t wanna waste any by going on a political tirade.

Sooooooo, I went with a story from “The Express” from London today by Sean Martin which caught my eye and seems safe to comment on without anyone going ballistic. I think.

This was the headline that got my attention…….only because scientists are a bunch of wild and crazy guys and I love what they spend time on researching.

Here’s the headline………….

“Scientists reveal shock findings from groundbreaking study”

“LIFE after death has been “confirmed” by scientists who have discovered consciousness continues even once a person has died.”

(here are excerpts from this story in quotes with MY comments inserted without quotes and also in parenthesis)

“Scientists say that there is life after death. In a large-scale study of more than 2,000 people, (I’m assuming they were alive when these scientists studied them) British boffins confirmed that thoughts do carry on after the heart stops.” (my last thought would be images of Sofia Vergara or Heidi Klum)

I rest my peace...um...oops....I mean I rest my case

I rest in peace…um…oops….I mean I rest my case

(NOTE: I have no freakin’ idea what the word “boffins” in this article means as it was not in my Funk & Wagnells dictionary of words nobody knows WTF they mean are)

“The shock research has also uncovered the most convincing evidence of an out-of-body experience for a patient declared dead.” (which I myself have had but only after drinking way too much tequila)

“It had been believed the brain stopped all activity 30 seconds after the heart stopped pumping blood around the body, and that with that, awareness ceases too.” (kinda like when you zone out during commercials on TV)

“However, the study from the University of Southampton shows people still experience awareness for up to three minutes after they had been pronounced dead”

(With my luck I’d have a winning lottery ticket in my pocket after my demise, and somebody in the morgue would find it in those first 3 minutes and me, still being aware and most likely hovering over my cold dead body would be pissed as hell)body1

“Contrary to perception, death is not a specific moment, (yeah, tell that to some poor road kill animal) but a potentially reversible process that occurs after any severe illness or accident causes the heart, lungs and brain to cease functioning.”

(makes sense to me…or in other words…DUH)

“If attempts are made to reverse this process, it is referred to as “cardiac arrest,” however, if these attempts do not succeed it is called “death.” (which doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out)body2

Now here’s where this “awareness” stuff after you buy the farm comes into play folks.

“”Of the 2,060 patients from Austria, the U.S. and the UK interviewed for the study who had survived cardiac arrest, almost 40 percent said that they recall some form of awareness after being pronounced clinically dead.”

(which to me means that if you happen to unfortunately be, say, out hunting with some guy you hate, and he gets mistaken for an animal by another hunter, and gets shot, and dies but there’s a chance he may only be in cardiac arrest, NEVER say, “Too bad Harry, I told ya not to wear that moose disguise while hunting ya damn jerk.”)

The report adds, “This suggests more people may have mental activity initially but then lose their memories after recovery, either due to the effects of brain injury or sedative drugs on memory recall.”

(um, ok, I guess if they’re brought back after a cardiac arrest after being clinically dead and they don’t remember squat, its ok to say what TF ya want about them)



obeGETTY

“Some patients reported an out-of-body experience but just 2 percent said their experience was consistent with the feeling of an outer body experience – where one feels completely aware and can hear and see what’s going on around them after death.”

(which is more good news if you happen to say something bad about the deceased in those few minutes he or she is clinically dead. Like, “Boy was that guy a real a**hole.”)

Hey.....shit happens

Hey…..shit happens

BUT….yes, there’s always a damn but.

“However, the most significant finding of the study is that of a 57 year-old man who is perhaps the first confirmed outer body experience in a patient.”

(wait for it)

“The man was able to recall with eerie accuracy what was going on around him after he had died temporarily.

(um….scrap that last part about saying something bad about someone if you’re near them when they croak)

Now this particular guy they’re referring to had been floating around in limbo, (my guess….the limbo part) for close to three minutes with no heartbeat.

And the researchers stated, “This is paradoxical, since the brain typically ceases functioning within 2 -30 seconds of the heart stopping and doesn’t resume again until the heart has been restarted.” (using jumper cables I would assume)

“Furthermore, the detailed recollections of visual awareness in this case were consistent with verified events.” (which means a bunch of other scientists were there and said to each other, OMFG!!!!)body4

Or perhaps, “Hey, this guy is supposed to be dead, is Gawd f**king with us?”

Or, “Hey pal, considering you were clinically dead, and you like were hovering over your body, did ya happen to catch a glimpse of tomorrows lottery number?”

Worth a shot……..can’t hurt.

So, once again scientists are screwing around with our brains to the point that all of us are gonna become paranoid about hovering over our cold dead bodies for a few minutes after we’ve been pronounced dead. Thanks a lot you brainiacs.

As if we don’t have enough to worry about as it is. Now we gotta worry about worrying about WTF is going on during those last few minutes while we’re hovering between life and death.

I would assume 98 percent of those hovering over their bodies and wondering if they’ll be resuscitated or not would be thinking, “Cripes, zap me with that dam defibrillator guys….NOW!!!!!”

Mine, on the other hand, (thinking the same thing) would be, “F**k…..did I ever delete all those porno photos on my computer….DAMN!”

Just a thought there guys.

Just sayin.’

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Reprise Sunday: Bananaphobia

Once again I’ve dug very deeply into the MisfitWisdom collection of useless blogs and from August 2010 for yet another gem. Bananaphobia……..which is the fear of bananas.

Which actually some people do suffer from. Like Fran Dando, pictured below, who absolutely has a fear of bananas.

 

Ann Dando

Ann Dando

Which kinda makes sense to me as I, as a mere child, once had a fear of bananas as well after listening to Harry Belafonte’s “Day-O The Banana Boat Song.” I think it was the line in the song that said, “highly deadly black tarantula” with reference to tarantulas hanging around bananas.

Took me a long time to realize that the odds of a tarantula making it from wherever they harvest bananas to my local grocery store were kinda slim. BUT…that said, I still kinda approach bananas in stores with a bit of caution. Just to be on the safe side.

So along comes 21-year-old Fran Dando, from the U.K. who has this thing about bananas.  It even has a name. Bananaphobia……fear of bananas.  Kinda like claustrophobia…..fear of Santa Claus.

A while back when she was seven years old to be exact, her brother put a banana in her bed while she was sleeping.

(I know what some of you perverted people are thinking out there but I’m not even going to go there….even though it is somewhat tempting….you know…the banana thing and the bed and Fran)

OK….OK……hard to resist that one.banana perv

Soreeeeee…………………………..

Hey....go suck on a banana peel ya damn flea bag

Hey….go suck on a banana peel ya damn flea bag

Anyhow, when poor Fran awoke, she said that she felt this long cold thing next to her in bed and…….(forget it, I’m still not going to go there again) and it freaked her out to the point that she’s never gotten over it.  To this day she’s even afraid to approach a bunch of bananas in a supermarket.

Um………ok….I am gonna go there again……….

Banana porn

Banana porn

I can sympathize with her because I’m actually terrified of approaching tomatoes anywhere.  It’s all due to my own traumatic experience with an ugly tomato worm when I was but a mere child.  Yes….(sigh)…I have…..tomatowormaphobia.

Actually Fran shouldn’t feel too embarrassed to have bananaphobia.  Besides tomatowormaphobia I also have politicialadaphobia, beingbrokeaphobia, and fearofphobiaphobia. That’s a lot of phobias.

Oh yeah….and this one too………………..grandmaaphobia.

Ah feel yer pain Gilbert

Ah feel yer pain Gilbert

So, all in all I can understand Fran’s phobia with bananas.  It’s hard to overcome a traumatic experience when you’re so young, especially finding a cold banana in your bed. Horrors!

I just wish someone had stuck an old matronly woman in my bed when I was seven, and I awoke to find her lying next to me…..someone with the looks of Nanny McPhee.

Nanny McPhee

Nanny McPhee

If that had happened I would have sworn off of women, never have gotten married twice,  divorced twice, and lived happily ever after…..a very wealthy man with a happy case of……………..

matrimonialphobia.

Just sayin.’

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It’s Come To My Attention That Too Much Is Coming To My Attention…..AGAIN!!!

'What did you say, dear? -- I wasn't paying attention.'

I usually make it a point to pay attention to anything that holds my attention, which is usually just about anything worth paying attention to, BUT……over the past few months too many things have been coming to my attention that I really should not be paying attention to.

Namely WTF is going on with the 2016 election.

Normally, I really wouldn’t give a rats ass WTF was going on and just go out and cast my vote on November 8th and be done with it.

But this year it’s different. No matter what I read, watch on television, or go on to social media sites it’s there………..the f**king 2016 campaign free for all fuckathon.

Fuckathon Headquarters

Fuckathon Headquarters

Stuff like, he said, she said, he actually meant, she lied, e-mails, blow jobs, nuke buttons, etc, etc etc, if ya catch my drift here.

So, not wanting to go into a crazies rule the Internet overload, I’ve been avoiding reading any story concerning the 2016 election.

I DID suffer a setback, (momentarily) when I went on one site and made a comment and was immediately infested with a severe case of trollinitus. Which is the equivalent of being infested with fleas but worse.

mmm

A  flea troll

So, once again I’m attempting to not pay attention to whatever it is that tempts me to pay attention but is actually a ploy to make me go off the deep end and get trolled because I paid attention when I shouldn’t have.

Soooooooo.

I’ve relegated myself to only reading the comics and horoscope section of my local paper first thing in the morning.

I’ve set my TV to The Weather Channel, TV Land, Disney, Animal Planet, and The Music Channel, (oldies) and the rest of the night watch only on demand shows that I’ve missed by watching baseball during prime time.

The closest I’m coming to anything political is watching the TV series “Brain Dead.” And only because it involves politicians whose brains are being taken over by alien ants. Quite satisfying.

OMFG!!!! Brain infesting alien ants!!! HELP! HELP!

OMFG!!!! Brain infesting alien ants!!! HELP! HELP!

 

Whew! Thanks....I needed that.

Whew! Thanks….I needed that.

Then, when I’m not watching TV or reading newspapers, I’m doing things that I otherwise wouldn’t do just to keep me occupied and keep my mind off of politics.

Went down to the basement and gathered all the stuff I’ve saved for eons like 3 old printers, 4 computer monitors,  5 analog TV’s, several dozen remotes, 15 speakers and a baloney sandwich I found which I think is fossilized. Saturday I’ll load them into the truck and haul them away to the dump. Or, as they refer to it as in my town, the recycling facility.

None of which these items will be recycled. Well, maybe the baloney sandwich. Those guys at the dump are real scary and I’ve seen them on occasion eating stuff I wouldn’t throw out to the birds in my backyard.

Damn Mousefeet...yew almost threw away a really good tastin' baloney sandwich!!!

Damn Mousefeet…yew almost threw away a really good tastin’ baloney sandwich!!!

Then I spent one day sifting through old magazines dating back to the 1950’s and beyond. (I’m a closet pack rat)

Sorted them all out and found a site where people, (possibly other pack rats) will pay big bucks for certain magazines. It was also fun scanning the car ads back then when ya could buy a Mustang for just over $2,000.  The CAR you idiot….not a horse.

Then I spent the rest of the day moving big heavy bricks from one part of our yard to another. Why? Beats me….just felt like moving bricks.

Finally at the end of the day, after really not paying attention to anything, political that is, I sat outside on my deck trying to get a hummingbird to land on a red cup filled with nectar to land on my hand.

Still amazes me how each year those birds remember where the feeder is in our yard.

Um...ok....that explains it

Um…ok….that explains it

Anyhow, no success. Those damn hummingbirds are too freakin’ smart. None would land on the cup I was holding.

But, strangely enough when I looked inside the patio from outside and saw may other half…………………hummer1

I actually would have spent more time waiting them out but ants were crawling on the deck and up my leg and all I could think of was that TV show “Brain Dead.”

BUT……..it’s better thinking about alien ants on my patio than brain-dead politicians.

So all in all my plan worked. I wasn’t stressed out watching CNN, CBS, or reading the paper or looking at hate and discontent from the trolls on the Internet. I was quite relaxed not paying attention to anything….cept for those ants.

And, unlike politicians and trolls, I could easily send an ant to ant heaven. Not that I did that mind you, as I feel ants outside on my patio have a right to exist…..outside.

But let one of those little motherf**kers come into my house and they’re toast.

Kinda like any politician that comes knocking on my door.

Nobody’s gonna stress me out pal.

I own a biggggggggg can of RAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Same stiff Trump used on Ted Cruz.....

Same stuff Trump used on Ted Cruz…..

Just sayin.’

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Reprise Sunday: Women Can Be Dangerous In The Summertime

As you know, if all of us could go back in time, we’d probably change a lot of things. Me being no exception.

Of course that’s impossible until time travel is perfected. With the exception being the number of times Michael J. Fox went back to the future.

mmmmmm

Obviously Marty went back in time before JEB!!!! bailed out

Anyhow, there is one option when it comes to going back in time. That’s going back a few years into my blog archives and reposting yet another dumb MisfitWisdom blog that was written in August 0f 2010.

So, considering how hot its been the past few days, I chose this one which was entitled: “Women Can Be Dangerous In The Summertime.”

mmmmm

Summertime danger

It doesn’t take much to distract me. You know how it is. One minute you’re thinking about something important, and then your mind wanders, and when you attempt to go back to what the hell you were thinking about, it’s gone.

And don’t give me the, “it’s an old age thing” routine.

It’s women.  During the Summer months, women make us men lose track of what were doing or thinking.  I would venture a guess that 90% of all accidents involving men have something to do with a woman.

Here’s just one solid example for you non believers.

Out in Everett, Washington there was an initial four car pileup on the I-5 highway that runs through that town.  Wanna know why?  Well I’ll tell ya.

WOMEN!pileup2

Yep, women…..young girly type women wearing extremely short shorts walking along the road distracting innocent male drivers as they just tooled along, most likely listening to their car radios and tapping their fingers to a nice upbeat Barry Manilow song.

Um, maybe not Barry Manilow.

Anyhow, because these red-blooded American males spotted these hot young women in extremely short shorts, they lost track of what the hell they were doing…..driving…….and crashed into one another thereby causing a four car pileup.

mmmm

Hee hee, look at those silly boys tryin’ to impress us Betty

As if that wasn’t bad enough, while state troopers were clearing up the highway and the young ladies standing nearby watching, more drivers, all I assume were males, crashed into each other.

Now is that proof enough folks?  Women are out to kill us.

I can relate to this dastardly act having experienced near close calls of a similar nature.  In the summertime They are scantily clad women EVERYWHERE!!!  What the hell are we guys supposed to do?  Ignore them?

It’s a plot I tell ya. An evil plot to make us men look like bumbling idiots.  And it’s working.  Just last night as I was exiting a building with my companion, a buxom blonde….and I mean “buxom”…..approached us.

Um....yah.....something similiar to this woman

Um….yeah…..something similar to this woman

So as not to appear fixated on her anatomy, (and the only comment that any guy can make while his wife, girlfriend or whomever is with him) with my other half right next to me, I sheepishly was about to comment to her how cheap she looked with those heaving throbbing voluptuous creamy white mounds of….um…..er…..

What I meant to say was that I was about to comment how cheap she looked exposing her body in public and that it was not appropriate for this type of environment.

Unfortunately I walked into a pole in the lobby while attempting to make my point sustaining a small but noticeable injury and cracking my glasses.

(heh heh….it was worth it)

But there ya have it.  How the hell can we perform everyday functions in the summertime if women are constantly flaunting their bodies all around us? No wonder the only work I get done is in the Winter.

Which is one of the many reasons my companion has a”to do” list a mile long for me to do come November.

In the meantime…….after I have my glasses fixed and my nose put back into place…….I’m going back to that building……..alone……..sit in a lobby chair……..with my cell phone camera……….and see if I can spot that (pant) woman again, and snap a picture of her.

Just to carry me through the long cold Winter months when there are no heaving, throbbing, voluptrous….um……

Neverrrrrrrrrrrrr mind.

Soreeee dear………………….

Pssssst........the dog's right.

Pssssst……..the dog’s right.

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Did Ya Ever Have A Restroom Moment?

If you’re like most people, (me being one) you absolutely hate using public restrooms.

BUT, on occasion, you find that you have no choice when nature comes knocking on your butt. Or some other place.

Actually , that other place, (pee pee, taking a whiz, choking the chicken) isn’t as bad as taking the other one…..um……the big one….the giant log….

DAMN! Glad I wasn't in here when that guy went!!!!!!

DAMN! Glad I wasn’t in here when that guy went!!!!!!

Mostly, if not all of the time, ya take a whiz, (male) and you’re outta there in a flash. (This does not, for some odd reason, apply to women as I can attest to based on the number of men I’ve seen standing outside of a women’s restroom compared to the number of women I’ve seen standing outside of a men’s restroom)

Next time you’re waiting for HER count the men waiting versus the women waiting. Just sayin.’

"Look lady, I know the ladies room is full but gimmie a break will ya!!!!"

“Look lady, I know the lady’s room is full but gimmie a break will ya!!!!

Anyhow, the other day nature knocked on my butt. We were in a J C Penny store, (one of the most user-friendly restrooms) so I had no reservations about using that one. BUT………….or in this instance BUTT…………

I have this phobia about pooping in a public restroom with someone sitting just inches away from me in the next stall. I’m just that way………so sue me.

Think of it this way, would YOU feel comfortable using your bathroom at home or anyone else’s home with the bathroom door open? Ok…Ok….the restroom stalls aren’t open, per se, but ya can still see the persons feet next to you as well as they can hear you doing your stuff and they hear you.

Or, whatever else goes on next to ya……………..

Psssst....Bill...is that you?

Psssst….Bill…is that you?

Now you’re probably wondering how TF my demented mind decided to write this blog about restrooms. Ok……here’s how….for the inquiring minds.

I was sitting at Penny’s in their restroom and noticed that the stall I was in was huge. How huge? Well, big enough to park a Kia Soul in. I assumed I had chosen a stall for anyone with a disability, such as a wheelchair, or someone who actually owned a Kia Soul and needed to get to the stall fast. But THAT BIG of a stall?

Why is it I feel like an Egyptian ready to be sealed in a tomb?

(the Penny’s restroom) Why is it I feel like an Egyptian ready to be sealed in a tomb?

BUT…….ya think they’d have some ambiance in there. Alllllll that wall space, room and high ceilings and no artwork, tv, advertisements etc. What a waste.

At least, a 20% coupon for pooping and getting outta there in 2 minutes or less. Just a thought for ya J C Penny.

Anyhow, this got me to thinking what other restrooms in other countries look like. Maybe they were better, or not….so….let’s take a look shall we.

Hmmm....might have gone will with my "tomb" paranoia thought

Hmmm….might have gone well with my “tomb” paranoia thought

 

And if you tend to get a bit claustrophic, there's always this option

And if you tend to get a bit claustrophobic, there’s always this option. Along with not having to have a really good aim.

 

If you religiously make it a point to always pray in your spare time, like when peeing, guess this might work for ya

If you religiously make it a point to always pray in your spare time, like when peeing, guess this might work for ya

 

This one lloks rather inviting what with flowers and all, but I think I'd avoid whipping out the woodster on the one to the far left

This one looks rather inviting what with flowers and all, but I think I’d avoid whipping out the woodster on the one to the far left

 

If you're an exhibitionist this might work for ya.....hello baybeeees....wanna see my snake?

If you’re an exhibitionist this might work for ya…..hello baybeeees….wanna see my snake?

 

NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY WOMEN TAKE SO LONG IN RESTROOMS!!!!!!!

NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY WOMEN TAKE SO LONG IN RESTROOMS!!!!!!!

 

I DID wonder how Star Wars guys went to the bathroom .... now I know

I DID wonder how Star Wars guys went to the bathroom …. now I know

And finally,

For the motorcycle easy riders

For the motorcycle easy riders

So, perhaps now after reading this blog some business establishments might come up with some novel restroom ideas such as the ones you just viewed.

Hmmm. What would work for me? Which kind of restroom decor would I feel most comfortable in?

(thinking)

SHAZAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep....works for me.....JACKPOT!!!! Or....JACKPOOP!!!!!

Yep….works for me…..JACKPOT!!!! Or….JACKPOOP!!!!!

Just sayin.’

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So Long A-Rod…..We’ll Miss Ya…..Kinda

arod3

Today New York Yankees great Alex Rodriquez announced that he will be playing his last and final game for the New York Yankees next Friday at Yankee Stadium.

If you watched the news conference it was a very emotional Rodriquez who faced the press and tearfully made the announcement that he would no longer be an active player. He will remain in the organization as a consultant to young up and coming players.

mmmmm

First, let me clarify something, for the record, “I” am a dyed in the red wool Boston Red Sox fan. I say, “dyed in the wool” because I grew up in Rhode Island, just a short distance from Boston, had relatives that lived in the Boston area who visited my family who were “dyed in the wool” Red Sox fans, and obviously, if ya catch my drift here, I was, at an early age, literally “dyed in Red Sox wool.”

That said, which I just did, it still is sad to watch what I personally feel is the retirement of a legend, agree or not.

Yes, I cursed him when he batted against us putting the old Italian hex on him as I waved my fingers across the TV screen during each game with the Red Sox. And remembering that famous confrontation with Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek.

Rip his nose off Jason.....kick him in da balls...um....wait...he's wearing a cup...ok, um....rip his nose off then

Rip his nose off Jason…..kick him in da balls…um….wait…he’s wearing a cup…ok, um….rip his nose off then

Not to mention the number of home runs he hit off of Red Sox pitchers costing us the game on many occasions.

But, as someone one said, (who TF knows who) “all good things must come to and end.” Wonder if this holds true for bad things too?

So with the announcement  that he will retire from playing, all is forgiven A-Rod. You were a great player and gave your heart and soul with each time at bat and in the field. Yes, you will be missed….kinda.

Maybe even a lot of the Yankees fans will miss ya as well…..remember how they supported you during games………….

Um...ok....maybeeeee not all the time

Um…ok….maybeeeee not all the time

OK…OK…..you WILL be missed because it won’t be the same without you anymore. No one to hex or to scream at during those Yankees Red Sox games anymore. Jeter’s gone, Teixeria’s into his last season. Others I screamed at, Jason Giambi, Johnny Damon, and that catcher who wore what appeared to be an oversized helmet so he could hide a baloney sandwich in it, Francisco Cervelli, are all gone.

I alsways suspected that Cervelli had a balony sandwich hidden under his helmet

I always suspected that Cervelli had a baloney sandwich hidden under his helmet

One can only imagine how it all started for A-Rod. As a child I mean.

mm

Ya see……some things never change

And of course A-Rod has his controversial moments with accusations or steroid use, dating various celebrity hot babes, and other antics. Kept his lawyers hopping.The National PasttimeWe all, us baseball fans, always like to yell and curse at opposing players when they come to bat against our team. Who of us Red Sox fans can forget Aaron f**king Boone during game seven of the 2003 ALCS between the Red Sox and the Yankees:

“There buzz in the stadium that builds to a loud roar as Boone gets into the box against Wakefield, the score still tied 5-5, with everyone knowing that one swing means the AL pennant and a trip to the World Series.

The crowd rises. Wakefield receives the sign from catcher Jason Varitek. He goes into his motion and delivers. The knuckleball floats and jiggles toward the plate, a spinning white pill against the evening sky. Boone readies himself. The pitch jiggles closer to Boone. He uncoils, then takes a vicious cut. The ball is drilled toward the left-field stands and as it soars through the New York sky, it’s evident it’s far enough to pull the curtain down on this remarkable series and slap the Red Sox and everyone else in New England one more time.” (courtesy of ESPN)

winning home run in the bottom of the The Yankees won 6-5, advancing them to the World Series. (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

OMFG!!!! Nooooooooooo!!!!!! The Yankees won 6-5, advancing them to the World Series. (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

But, eventually we did go on to break the so-called curse of the Bambino (Babe Ruth) and win three World Series.

TAKE THAT AARON F**KING BOONE!!!!!!!!!!

But, I, for one, forgive ya Aaron. Just like I forgive A-Rod for all those heartbreaking losses we suffered when he knocked one outta the park.

So, with that, another era comes to an end.

I will honestly miss him……kinda.

Good luck A-Rod………..thanks for the memories………..and teaching me that there were never enough curse words I could yell at ya when you were at bat that would ease the pain of losing a game.arod4For Alex……………….https://youtu.be/egY8rUpxqcE

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To Flea or Not To Flea

New Hampshire fleas

New Hampshire fleas

First, let me clarify something here. We’ve had cats in our house since the beginning of time. Which for me, (the beginning of time) was when my other half and I moved in together.

And, not once in all the years that we have been together have we EVER encountered a flea. Mainly, I would assume, because all our cats have been indoor cats. Soooooo, we both assumed that indoor cats = no fleas. Made sense to us.

BUT…….we were wrong. OMFG!!!!flea3

So, for the sake of humor, let me backtrack a week or so.

Also, before I backtrack, another clarification. “I” am an optimist. My other half is a pessimist. Good match….ya think.

Soooooo. Here’s how it went in the MisfitWisdom household for the past few weeks.

(starting…….for the sake of repetition, with just the last few days)

(Day 1)

“Honeeeeee, Olivia (one cat) is scratching. What’s wrong with her?”

“Um, maybe she has an itch. I get them on occasion.”

“But she’s scratching more than usual.”

“Um, ok, so maybe she has dry skin or somethin’. Hey, cats scratch all the time for cripes sake!”

“Oh, you think that’s all it is? You don’t think that maybe she has fleas?”

“FLEAS!!! Are ya kiddin’ me. Where the hell would she get fleas? All our cats are indoor cats.”

“Yeah, I guess your right. Maybe it’s just an itch.flea1

(Day 2)

“Honeeeeee, Olivia (same cat) is scratching. What’s wrong with her?”

“Um, didn’t we have this same conversation yesterday or am I in one of those recurring dreams where you continually ask me the same question in an attempt to drive me nuts.”

“NO! She’s scratching more and more and I found little tiny scabs under her fur.”

“Well, she DOES have claws and if “I” had claws and were scratching I’d have scabs. Come to think of it, when you scratch yourself in the middle of the night don’t YOU wake up with a scab every now and then?”

“Um, yeah, ok, I guess you’re right.”itch3

(Day 3)

“Honeeeeee, Olivia (same cat) is scratching. What’s wrong with her?”

“OMFG….how the hell do I know. She seems ok to me other than maybe she IS scratching a bit more than usual. Have you looked to see if there are fleas on her? Might be a clue ya know.”

“Um, I did but all I found were little back dust thingys.”

“Dust thingys? When was the last time you vacuumed the cats?”

“Honey! I never vacuum the cats!”

“Seeeee, there’s your problem. No wonder she’s scratching. She’s covered in dust. Come to think of it, I’m all of a sudden feeling itchy. I think ya better drag out the vacuum cleaner and dust mop.”

Donald Trump's wife at home

Donald Trump’s wife at home

(Day 4)

“Honeeeeee, Cassie (2nd cat) is scratching. What’s wrong with her?”

(sighing)

“Ya know ya driving me crazy with all this scratching stuff don’t ya. I suppose you found those dust thingys on her too!”

“YES! I’m going to brush her just to show you.”

(brushing cat)

“OMFG!!!!  OMFG!!! OMFG!!!

“WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(thinking she was having the big one and I should dial 911)

“I found a flea!!!”

“How many?”

“One.”

“OK, let me logically sort this all out. Those dust thingys are from fleas. The cats are scratching from fleas. And you found ONE flea so this means………………”

“THERE ARE FLEAS ON THE CATS.!!!!!!”

“Ok Ok, do not panic. We’re both adults here. You’re not getting bitten, neither am I so perhaps it’s one flea who somehow found its way into the house, (Gawd knows how) and is jumping from cat to cat. We’ll take her to the vet…ok.”

“OK……….BUT I TOLD YOU SO!”flea7

(Day 5)

“Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow,” (the entire 18 mile trip to the vet and two Excedrin’s later)

(Vet) “Yes, Olivia has fleas…or, a flea, whatever, so here’s what ya do. (explaining what we should do)

“So, I sez, “But doc, all our cats are indoor cats, how in the hell would any of them get fleas!”

His reply, “YOU! AND….you probably have mice.”

(this is the part where women, namely my other half gloat)

“ME! WTF?  I don’t have fleas! And do ya actually think any self-respecting mouse is gonna come into a house with 3 cats!!!!!”

“(Vet) Do you work outdoors in your backyard?”

“Yeah.”

“Well there ya go. You probably had a flea jump on you and brought it into the house.”

(second part of other half gloating)

“Um, dear, didn’t you say there was a mouse living in our shed and you found mouse poop out there?”

“Um, yeah.”

(vet and my other half give me the I told ya so gaze as I slink into the chair)

Sooooooo, $169 dollars later and an agonizing, (meow factor) round trip of 36 miles the problem has been resolved. Cats all get treated.flea5

And the ride back home………………………..

The only other option. (duct tape available at Lowes and Home Depot)

I managed to subdue the snarky, “I told you I was right,” on the ride back home

And I have not heard……………

“Honeeeeee, Olivia (one cat) is scratching. What’s wrong with her?”

BUT……….now its been replaced with…………….

“Olivia, are you alright now. Cassie, are you ok too? How about you Spencer?”

Which I expect to hear every night for the next 3 months until their last dose of medication in November.

Which brings to mind the following cartoon…………..

Justifiable homacide

Sorry honeeeee……………dog not sorryHEY! Cut me some slack here. Ya know what its like to live with a woman who was right!

Just sayin.’

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