Love Playing Slot Machines? Want to Increase Your Odds At Winning? FINALLY! Some Really Good Advice. Honest!

slots

Look folks, I’ve been playing slot machines for eons. Yes, I’ve won and I’ve lost. BUT……in the past few weeks I FINALLY realized why I’ve been winning more than losing.

It was a DUH! moment. And I can’t believe I never noticed what I was doing wrong before today.

First of all, I’ll share this with you BUT….yes, always a but. It’ll cost ya $20.

WHY! Because obviously this is great information and if others are selling their slot strategy books for $$$$$ why shouldn’t I at least get paid for some good advice. $20 bucks will not break your bank. And if you had some good info wouldn’t YOU at least want to be compensated for sharing it?

BUT……..because this isn’t a guaranteed win plan but an “increase your odds plan” you obviously can take it or leave it. Doesn’t matter to me. It worked for me on many occasions and I sure as hell hope it works for you if you opt to spend the $20 bucks and give it a shot.

Yeah, if you opt in, thanks. AND….if it works for you PLEASE send me a “selfie” with you in front of the slot machine you won on and I’ll post it in this blog. I’d post my selfie here but then you’d know which “3” slot machines I’ve hit on for 1. Playing differently than I normally used to. 2. Being persistent, and 3. Staying on that one machine and NEVER jumping around from machine to machine.

My companion, Lei, hates the fact that I play these three machines and stay there till I win or lose. Why? Because she wants a quick hit or she gets antsy or bored. Me…I’m patient and when I finally hit a machine, SHAZAM! there she is to take half of the winnings. honest!

You WILL NOT win all the time, BUT you WILL play longer thereby increasing your odds and playing much longer than if you played other machines like pennies and dollars. THIS IS A FACT which I’ve learned in the past few weeks. Damn I’m pissed I didn’t do this sooner. I just was not paying attention.

This past Thursday 8/17/17 I hit it for $600. Not a big hit, but I’ll take it doing what I discovered when it comes to these 3 machines. AND….I only started with $30. YES $30.

Finally, I’m retired, on a fixed income and DO NOT have a lot of spare cash to spend on slots. Which is another reason I’m asking for $20. Yep…….for my info and obviously to play more slots. So, your call.

I will be going back to the casino Monday because they offer us old geezers free slot play. A whopping $10. But I WILL be playing one of those 3 machines I mentioned.

So here’s the deal. My PayPal link is below. Should you wish to know everything and take a chance just click on the link, key in your $20 amount and I’ll send you the information via e-mail “personally” because I want you to know I’m not some big company trying to scam you. In fact, if you go into my archives you’ll see I’ve been here on WordPress for many years. AND….here’s my “personal” e-mail so you can ask any questions you want as well as contact me after you’ve bought into my information using Pay Pal.

parvitt@sbcglobal.net

Remember, this is NOT a guarantee but a way to increase your odds of winning by playing longer. Works for me.

Here is the PayPal link:

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=MTNBRN2APJLGJ

 

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Reprise Sunday: Funny Thing About Death…It’s Soooooo Final. But…………..

fun3

After, and STILL recovering from a Gawd awful life threatening surgery I, of course, thought about dying and all that morbid stuff because that’s what ya do when you think you might not make it.

But, much to the dismay of a few of my enemies, I DID survive, (take that you sick bastards) and will be recovering for the next 8 or so months.

BUT……I still think about when the day comes and I DO buy the farm which led me to think of this blog I wrote back in 2014. Sooooooo, jusssst in case you’re going through the same thing as I am, here’s some important information you might be interested in regarding places like the Digger O’Dell Funeral home and the like.

Enjoy…………

 

BUT….it’s not as scary as what I read about funeral directors on the site “Answers.com” that some of you may have read as well. And the only reason I read it was their catchy title to their article which was titled, “Five Terrifying Things About Funeral Homes You Didn’t Know.”

Which is then when I asked myself, “Um, do I REALLY wanna know?”

But, being the inquisitive type, I went ahead and read the article anyhow. Now I’m “dead” set against dying. Let alone dying and going to a funeral home. As I’m sure most of us are and have been since the beginning of time.

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I think my choice would be to be a middle-aged schmuck rather than being a “dead “middle-aged schmuck

I mean it’s bad enough I don’t get any respect now, but not getting it even after I buy the farm is a bit too much.

So what are those five terrifying things that we should all be afraid of?  AND….do YOU really wanna know?

Oops, too late….you’re gonna read them anyway aren’t you.

OK….but ya might wanna do as I did after reading this stuff. Which was to instruct my other half to, upon my untimely demise, to drag my cold dead ass out to the backyard, drape me over the grill on the patio, fire that sucker up, and let it roar. Ain’t no damn stinkin’ funeral home gettin’ my body and doing the things they do with dead bodies. Bastards.

I also instructed her to cook up a few hamburgers while the fire was going. No sense wasting some good propane.

Or a chicken

Or a chicken

Anyhow, here’s what got me spooked.

First of all, according to the article, they pointed out that funeral homes are a business. Which, I guess falls into the same category as Mitt Romney saying, “Funeral Homes Are People Too.” (damn that line never gets old)

So, being a business, and you being dead, they’re gonna try to make a buck…..um, let me clarify that a bit, a “big buck” off of your cold dead ass. How? By convincing your next of kin that you should really be laid out in one of their most expensive caskets. Yep, the ones with all the bells and whistles. Anything to entice you to spend more money.fun6

Which I think includes real nice comfy pillows, satin looking interior, top of the line metal or wood casket, and perhaps guaranteed cell phone reception….jussssst in case you were zoned out on some really good weed and everyone just assumed you were dead.

mmmmm

Yet another casket option…..waste not, want not

So, beware of them trying to make a big buck off of you by convincing you to buy a top of the line casket. Remember….it’s going into the freakin’ ground. So, tell them to f**k off and that you want something nice but economical. Like a cardboard box or a really big Tupperware container.

mmmm

A subsidy of “IKEA.”

Next, those sneaky bastards will try to sell you a casket that’s hermetically sealed and leak proof.

Now look at this logically. If you’re dead, or the person you’re burying is dead, which seems logical if you’re shopping for a casket, why in the hell would you care if it’s hermetically sealed or leak proof? Like “I’m” gonna care if I get wet when I’m dead! Cripes, I walk outside in the rain now, so why should I give a rats ass when I’m dead.

Ok, next is the cost of embalming your butt. Which is also a waste of freakin’ money that you could be using to go to a casino or something. Because embalming only lasts for a few weeks, and death lasts like FOREVER! So, you’re paying for fighting the effects of decomposing for what? A few weeks! Who cares if ya decompose. My garbage decomposes do ya think I should embalm that too!!!!

mmmm

Unless of course you can really find a great deal on embalming fluid

Now here’s something interesting. Morbid, but nonetheless interesting. Did you know that funeral directors have to compensate for things that are a bit askew when they get a body. Because, as the article so eloquently pointed out, they, “receive male bodies with swollen penises and scrotums” which is caused by bacteria.

I know, you were thinking they died from an overdose of Viagra or Cialis. Perverts.

So, at your request, the funeral parlor will adjust said parts to make you appear normal. If being dead can be considered normal I guess. Then again, who TF is gonna know, other than the funeral director, if you have a swollen penis or scrotum?

Or your money, or....body part refunded

Or your money, or….body part refunded

“Um, Mrs. Faversham, my deepest condolences on the passing of Mr.Faversham. I know this might not be the right time to bring this up but, speaking of “up,” your late husband still has a huge erection and we’re having some problems fitting him into his casket. Did he always have this problem with erections?”

“Oh nooooo. Never. I can’t understand why he would have one. We never had sex ever since I turned 50 and hair started to grow on my face,”

“Ah yes, quite understandable. Um, perhaps you could do me a favor then. Could you just stand over the casket naked and perhaps that might make the erection go down.”

And don’t fall for that other stuff funeral homes try to sell ya. Like prosthetic limbs, make up, hats and strategic lighting techniques. Unless your deceased was a clown for the circus and ya just want to make him or her go out in style.clown1

And the last thing the article tells us is that when funeral directors go to your house they wanna get in and out as quickly as possible while you’re still slobbering over your loved one.

“OMG! Elmer….(sob) Elmer….(sniff) I can’t believe you’re…..(honk) DEAD!”

“Yeah he’s freakin dead as a doornail lady, but we’re alive and it’s almost break time so ya wanna let go of him so we can get the hell outta here.”

Like the article stated….it’s a “business.” And, as in all businesses, time is money.

Sooooooooooo many dead bodies, soooooooooooo little time.

mmmmm

Ok, which one of you idiots used a stapler instead of a nail and hammer?

My deepest appreciation to “Answers.com” for all this very informative information. I feel much more at ease now knowing all that stuff I really didn’t wanna know.

So much at ease that I’m running out to Home Depot to buy the mother of all grills that my other half will be able to fit my cold dead body in.

I’ll be damned if those money hungry motherf**kers are gonna make a buck off of me.

Oh yeah, and a case of hamburgers too. No sense, as I said, wasting some good propane and a great fire.

Just sayin.’

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Reprise Sunday: The 4th of July……which for some odd reason always falls on the 4th.

Tuesday is the 4th of July which is one of the few holidays that can’t be moved to a Monday so that all of us can have a long weekend. Makes sense to me. So, do ya have the weekend off, then go to work on Monday and then have Tuesday off? Or does everybody just say f**k, it I’m callin’ in sick on Monday. Which I’m sure every employer will believe.

Screw it….call in sick anyhow.

Anyhow, here’s a reprise of my 4th of July blog from 2012 with some little known 4th facts.

Enjoy………………………

 

It’s The 4th of July!!! Sooooo, um….what happened on this day?

Besides keeping track of all the hotdogs and hamburgers I’ve eaten on this day, a lot more important things happened. For one, the signing of the lease for Independence Hall in Philadelphia that those independent guys were renting so that they could all meet for their weekly poker game and discuss, among other things, how to free themselves from Britain charging outrageous rental fees for a silly brick building in Philadelphia.

I think they were a bit pissed off that Britain was also taxing them, (the colonists I think) without getting any representation. Meaning that the British wanted money from the colonists but were not willing to ante up any money to join in those weekly poker games.

Eventually, some rebel rousers, Tommy Jefferson, (who got a job on Harry’s Law) Johnny Adams, Sammy Adams, (who went on to make some really good beer) and Johnny Hancock, (who was famous for signing a lot of things) decided that they had enough. So, along with a bunch of other rowdys, they declared their independence by signing a long piece of paper stating that they were declaring their independence and decided to call it, “The Declaration of Independence.”

Originally, they wanted to call it, “The Declaration Sticking It To Britain,” but Jefferson thought that it was rather harsh thinking that it might really tick off the British and he might have his English passport pulled and then not be able to visit his girlfriend back in England.

There are a lot of interesting facts, other than the ones I just told you about, when it comes to the 4th of July. Foremost, that ironically, the 4th of July always falls on the 4th of July.

When horses were the only means of transportation back in the olden days, which I personally do not remember, it was the most miserable day for horses due to kids setting off firecrackers which scared the horses out of their gourds which led to a lot of horse crap in the streets which led to the invention of the automobile by Henry Ford who was sick and tired of stepping in horse crap.

Ironically on the 4th of July in 1826, both Thomas Jefferson and John Adams died on the same day. I do not believe that either of the two men had planned it that way. But, considering there were no CSI investigative teams in 1826 to see if the British were involved, (revenge) it still seems rather odd to me.

There are 30 places nationwide with the word “Liberty” in their name. Liberty, Missouri is one of them with the highest population. Contrary to opinion, there is no town named “Liberty Valence,” although there might be some sort of monument in honor of the guy who shot Liberty Valence. John Wayne I think.

(pause) A moment for you to pay tribute to the man who shot Liberty Valence:

john wayne1

How ya doin’ Pilgrim……

There are five places named, “Freedom.” one is Freedom, California. One place named “Patriot,” which is in Indiana. And there are 5 places named America. The most populated of which is American Fork, Utah. Yes, I know, Independence, Missouri too. In West Virginia there’s a town called “Big Ugly” which I think may have been in honor of one really unnamed ugly guy who signed the Declaration of Independence.

Ben Franklin, who as we all know spent a lot of time flying kites, took some time off to meet with Jefferson and Adams to discuss what the national animal should be. Franklin wanted the turkey to be the symbol, and when Jefferson and Adams regained their composure from uncontrollable laughing at such a stupid idea, they threw him out during a violent thunderstorm that night and both decided that the national symbol should be a bald eagle.

It was on that night that Franklin discovered electricity with his kite flying stuff.ben franklin 1

The oldest 4th of July continuous parade is held each year in Bristol, Rhode Island. Because the state is so small and the parade is really long, it begins in Massachusetts and ends in Connecticut. (not really but it seems that way)

Famous people born on the 4th. Malia Obama, George Steinbrenner, Neil Simon, Ron Kovic and Calvin Coolidge. If you only recognized Steinbrenner’s name, you’re a damn Yankee fan and think Malia Obama is short for Michelle Obama, that Neil Simon is either Carly Simon’s brother or Simple’s twin, that Ron Kovic was Archie Bunker’s son-in-law and that  Coolidge is the last name of “Calvin” in the comics.

Henry David Thoreau moved into his shack on Walden’s Pond on July 4th 1845. He was given a discount on his rent due to the holiday and the fact that he moved in on the 4th, thereby saving 3 days extra rent.

In 1964, and THIS is monumental, the number one song on the 4th of July was, “I Get Around” by the Beach Boys. Considering most of the Beach Boys are well into their 60’s, and STILL able to “get around” doing concerts, THAT is monumental.beach boys

41 million Americans spend the 4th at other people’s houses.  Meanwhile, 41 million house burglars are breaking into those people’s house because they know they’re not at home because they’re at other people’s houses.

Finally, when it comes to food on the 4th. 700 million chickens are purchased on this day. Which is quite an unlucky day for chickens, which is why chickens do not celebrate the 4th. And, 150 million hot dogs are cooked on grills. For some odd reason I could not find any statistics on hamburgers. This could be due to the fact that because McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Burger King cook so many hamburgers, along with those cooked on backyard grills on the 4th, there isn’t a calculator powerful enough to figure it all out. Or anyone really interested in finding out. Or…..the makers of hot dogs and chickens paid off the people who add things up to suppress the hamburger stats to make hamburgers really look bad.

So, there ya have it. What really happened on the 4th of July.

As for the 5th of July………

Who gives a rats ass. (which I don’t think anyone cooks on the 4th)

 

Copyright 2012/2017 MisfitWisdom RLV

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Reprise Sunday: Kathy Griffin……..No……not anything to do with a severed Trump head.

Yes, we’ve all been subjected to the Earth shattering event involving Kathy Griffin this past week when she held up a severed head of Donald Trump. (not the real Donald’s head) Sometimes ya have to make these things perfectly clear. You know, fake news and all.

Soooo,  I decided to once again go back in time to June of 2014 when I wrote a blog about Kathy posing nude. I’m sure she’d like to go back in time as well before all this recent controversy.

Me too. Only because I recently went through major surgery, lost 13 pounds, and now I can no longer accept Kathy’s offer to pose nude with her. If she offered me that option of course.

And not because I have an old sagging body, but, losing 13 pounds, if I stood sideways you wouldn’t be able to see me. (sigh)

Anyhow, from June 2014…………………

OMG!!! OMG!!!! OMG!!!!! O-M-F-G!!!!! Kathy Griffin Poses Nude!!!!

Yum.......

Yes! It’s true! It’s true! YES!! Yes! Almost as exciting as when Cloris Leachman admitted that Dr. Frankenstein was her…(gasp) BOYFRIEND!!! (clip below)

This was the headline from the “Huffington Post.”

Kathy Griffin Poses Nude For Glamorous Poolside Photo Shoot

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes…it’s true. But, um, there was no mention as to where those photos will appear that were taken by celebrity photographer (lucky devil) Tyler Shields.

But, lucky us, we have two of them thanks to the “Huffington Post” and the wonderful World Wide Web.

Griffin has been of recent, a co-host on New Years Eve with Anderson Cooper. You may recall that one moment last year when she pulled a surprising move on live TV and showed some skin much to the surprise of Anderson, who grabbed a quickly made sign to remind Kathy of her promise.griffin14

Now Kathy is 53, but, to me, still looks great. However, there are the usual trolls out there, and, I found this one for ya.

McFeely Smackup  (trolls apparently actual name)

“Ok, I get it. Famous chicks get old and want to prove they’re still sexy by posing nude while they never wanted to pose nude when they were young enough that anybody wanted to see it. But all they’re doing is proving that no, 55-year-old women are not sexy.

We can pat ourselves on the back and hold in the screams and say “wow, she looks great for her age”…but just know that the last three words qualifying that statement are Orwellian grade Doublespeak for “put your goddamn clothes on granny!”

Yeah….put yer damn clothes on granny and…………………

mmm

Um……P-p-p-put y-y-y-your….um….er……

mmm

Is McFeely Smackup outta his freakin’ mind or what!

If this is what grannies look like nude I’m gathering up a basket of cookies and heading for grandma’s house and calling myself Little Red Riding Misfit.

“But grandma, what big boobs you have!”

Griffin has been known to flash skin on occasion minus Anderson Cooper. I dunno, maybe she just gets hot a lot or is subject to hot flashes or something.

mmmm

Or maybe it’s just that she’s an exhibitionist. How else do ya explain that she’s half-naked while painting.

mmmm

Um, maybeeee not. I’ve painted half-naked too. Only to save ruining clothes of course.

Kathy of course isn’t the only celebrity to pose nude. But, she’s sure one of the few celebrities that have posed nude who are over the age 50. And who still looks great. And if that troll guy thinks she’s granny looking, here’s a reality check for him on what a half-naked granny looks like……surely not like Kathy.

(I know, don’t call you Shirley)

mmmm

If you said euwwwwwwwwww……..guess what. That photo above is of award-winning actress Helin Merrin, (68) without makeup but a granny and a hot one.

Here’s Helen with makeup:mirren5

So, I personally think Kathy looks fantastic. Of course any woman naked, half-naked, semi naked, or naked and just breathing looks great to me. Granny or no granny.

Gotta go….off to grandma’s house……

Um, maybeeeee not

Kathy…..calll me…..quick!!!!

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Reprise Sunday: How Old Can Ya Be And Still Hook?

Yes, the burning question of the day from my blog back in May of 2013: How Old Can Ya Be And Still Hook? (NOTE: This is not about knitting or crocheting)

So, in answer to that question………..

The Worlds Oldest Profession Is Now Run By The Worlds Oldest People…..Seniors.

m

Hey, and you thought us freakin’ seniors just sat around all day playing bingo and farting. Well screw you pal…..literally.

Well have I got a wake up call for all of you. Besides playing bingo and farting, we’re also helping to strengthen the economy by running our own prostitution ring with honest to goodness prostitutes. And no…..they’re NOT senior prostitutes. But real life hot looking eat your heart out fish net stocking type “so whaddya want me to do” type prostitutes.

I lied……they are senior prostitutes,

n

But, there’s nothing shoddy about THIS operation fella. So get your wallets out and f**k, um….fork over the cash. Visa and MasterCard accepted.

As one web site reported, “Call it Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll Assisted Living.” I guess with a little assist from some really great prescription medications. My guess anyhow.

m

The “Examiner.com” reports that the prostitution ring was run by a 75 year-old New Jersey man, James Parham, and that his helpers were elderly residents who were used as sex workers. But it wasn’t just sex, but cocaine as well. Oops….so much for the prescription medications.

m

So, my question is, were these hooker hookers or elderly hookers?

The difference being, hooker hookers are obviously hookers who, for the most part, are young, say for the sake of argument, from 20 to 30 years of age, (30 pushing the envelope a tad) while elderly hookers most likely fall into the 65 to death category. Near death elderly hookers obviously come with a discount, lest during the heat of passion said elderly hooker suddenly buys the farm. Kinda like an instant rebate.

n

Now the strange part of this story is that none of the senior prostitutes were arrested. Most likely because it would have been way too much of a problem loading scooters, wheelchairs, canes and oxygen tanks into paddy wagons. But, that 75 year-old guy was arrested and charged with being a damn pervert.

Um, no, that was not what he was actually charged with but I bet they thought about it. He was charged with “maintaining a nuisance” and having possession of drug paraphernalia.

The nuisance might have been a bunch of 75-year-old hookers forgoing their crocheting hooks to hook something else. In this instance, elderly men in an assisted living facility who wanted more than a freakin’ afghan crocheted for them.

“Hey Martha baybee. Whatcha makin’ there?”

“It’s an afghan so that you can feel nice and warm and fuzzy when you wrap it around yourself Elmer.”

“Hey, neat, really looks great. So what do ya charge for one.?

“$300 honey.”

“$300 dollars! Holy crap Martha. For $300 that damn afghan better do more than keep me warm and fuzzy!”

“Yes, I know Elmer, that’s why we’re charging you $300 for the afghan. It comes with some really great accessories honey. Realllly great accessories if ya catch my drift.”

m

Along with Parham, 65 year-old Cheryl Chaney, (no relation to Lon or Dick) has been accused of allowing senior residents and their visitors to feel cracks on the hoo…..um….sorry, read that wrong. It should read, “has been accused of allowing senior residents and their visitors to “use crack” in their apartments. Sorry, got sidetracked with my mind on hookers.

n

Parham ran the prostitution ring through his apartments and used a mix of young and older residents.

Considering this was a senior citizen housing complex I’d sure as hell wanna know where that claim of, “a mix of young and older women” comes into play.”

I mean, as far as I know, the term “senior citizens housing” leads me to believe that those residing there are seniors. Sooooooooo, if ya say, “younger women,” do ya mean 65 in deference to 90 or so?

“Yeah Jim, I want a younger chick. How bout that hot babe over there in the oxygen tent?”

“Good choice Barney, she just turned 66 yesterday…..AND….she still has her own teeth!”

m

In all fairness not all of the hookers, um, sorry, not all of the seniors in the complex welcomed the opportunity to supplement their incomes with extracurricular activities. And I’m not talkin’ about bingo or crocheting here. Some said that they felt rather uncomfortable with a few of their elderly neighbors working as “sex workers.”

Yep, alway a few party poopers in the crowd.

Um, Misfit, yer taklin’ about elderly senior citizens here.

Oh yeah, sorry. That should read, “Yep, always a few “potty poopers” in the crowd.sex7

So where exactly did all of this torrid elderly sex take place? According to reports, the activities took place in common areas of the complex. So common that some seniors were afraid to go to certain apartment complex areas because they were afraid for their lives.

Which is completely understandable. Ya go to do your laundry, bend over to put some clothes in the dryer, and the next thing ya know someone’s slipping a $100 dollar bill into your “Bounce” fabric softener dryer sheet box asking you for a bounce in the sheets. Or $100 in your “Snuggle” bottle for a snuggle and a quickie.

I don’t EVEN wanna think about what ya get for $100 using Arm & Hammer. Kinky sex I guess.

As one of the senior residents of the senior citizen housing complex phrased it, “a lot of nonsense going on.”

What she actually meant was, “Them ol coots are f**king their nonsensical brains out.”

Obviously the press cleaned up her comments for this story.

Just sayin.’

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Reprise Sunday: National Cat Hairball Awareness Day

Would I kid you? Well maybe, but……..not this time folks, nope, there really is a National Cat Hairball Awareness Day, which, when ya think about it, should be every day of the year.

Hack! Hack!

Anyhow, to compliment your Sunday breakfast, lunch or supper, should you choose to read this blog at that time, here’s a reprise of why cats barf up hairballs and all other kinds of fun stuff you really should know about hairballs.

Enjoy……….

National Hairball Awareness Day? Really!

 

Um....how about under the kitchen table at dinner time

OMG! One of the most important days on the calendar and I freakin’ missed it. I’m totally devastated. Now I gotta wait an entire year before I can celebrate one of the most relevant days….um….well, relevant to ME anyhow, “National Hairball Awareness Day.”

YES. An actual day that cat owners can celebrate that wonderful gift cats give to them….hairballs. And I missed it. SOB!catbarf4

It was last Friday, as it is, I guess, the last Friday in every April, which, for the life of me, I have  no idea why it wasn’t marked on my calendar. Damn!

But, have no fear my fine feline owner friends. MisfitWisdom to the rescue. Along with some guy from “Pet360,” Sid Kirchheimer, who is a lot nicer than that opinionated columnist Charles Krauthammer. (for some reason long names beginning with “K” fascinate me)

Sid has listed 30 facts about cat hairballs. Yes, 30!

Now look folks, sure, I’d like to know why any of my three cats insist on presenting me with a hairball on any given day, but I really DO NOT need to know 30 facts about hairballs. Just tell me why TF the little bastards cough up those disgusting things. That’s all.

Maybe a quick look at a cat’s brain might help.

Maybe

So, even though Sid, who obviously was into hairballs to list 30 reasons about them, I’m NOT gonna list all 30. Just a few that may be of interest before you actually cough one up from reading about them.

As I said, Sid listed “30” facts, but I’m only taking a few. I left his actual numbers for each fact intact so that you can tell which numbered fact I skipped over should you want to go to “pet360.com” and find his article.

2. ‘Tis the season! Spring is prime time for hairballs, as cats shed their winter coats.

My theory is that if we all know that “Spring” is when cats shed their winter coats, why not just shave the suckers so that they’re bald, buy them little coats, or knit them one, and thereby eliminate the possibility of them coughing up hairballs.

Um, wait. That might not work. This because they’re always licking themselves, and they’d cough up yarn balls. Then again cleaning up yarn balls would be a lot better than cleaning up hair balls. Ya think!

mmmmmm

3. Why they occur: No surprise that cats are fastidious groomers and have scratchy tongues – a perfect formula for hairballs. The sandpaper feel of a cat’s tongue is because it’s lined with tiny elevated hooks called papillae that help hold prey in place – as well as catch loose hair during grooming, which is then ingested.

Which is why cats make ideal fishing partners. With those little hooks all ya have to do when you go fishing is hang a cat off of your fishing rod and (screw using worms)  just shag them fish in.

4. The typical cat ingests about 6 ounces of hair each year. You decide how much comes back.

Wonder who the idiot was that was assigned to figure that stat out.hariball12

5. The largest recorded hairball ever surgically removed from a cat was 5 inches long and weighed 7.5 ounces, almost 2 ounces heavier than a single-serve container of yogurt.

The yogurt being much tastier.

Don’t tell me. It’s now on display somewhere at a cat hairball museum.

IT'S

7. Besides cats, other animals susceptible to hairballs include cows, deer, ferrets, rabbits and, yes, humans.

Look, I can understand animals licking themselves and coughing up a hairball, but, if I EVER see a human cough up a hairball I don’t EVEN wanna know the how’s and why’s of how that happened. Nor do I wanna see THAT hairball.

Um, why am I getting nauseous all of a sudden with that last thought?

8. In 2003, a 3-year-old Canadian girl had a grapefruit-sized hairball surgically removed from her stomach.

NOOOOO….NOOOOOOOOOOO I don’t wanna hear that stuff. STOP!!!!

10. The Poobah of Human Hairballs: A 10-pounder, removed by Chicago surgeons in 2007 from the stomach of an 18-year-old woman. Two year ago, a 4-pound hairball was removed from a teenager in India.

OMG! Um….Hey Sid….aren’t we supposed to be talkin’ about CATS here?catbarf6

11. The World’s largest hairball weighs 167 pounds – a collection of hair clippings kept a Missouri barber over his 50-year career. His name: Henry.

No, the barber DID NOT cough up THAT hairball folks. He collected hair from his customers. Sometimes ya just have to make things perfectly clear. Next thing ya know some idiot reading this is gonna go tell his wife some barber coughed up a 167 pound hairball.

13. It’s not uncommon for a cat to yak a hairball once every week or two, according to Cornell University College of Veterinary Medicine.

Yeah…well tell my cats that! How about every other day Sid. Obviously the Cornell University College of Veterinary Medicine doesn’t have a lot of cats roaming around the campus.

mmmmmm

14. Frequent hacking – especially with no resulting hairballs – may have nothing to do with hairballs and could indicate other problems, including asthma. Consult your vet!

Or if your cat smokes. Might wanna switch them to e-cigarettes.

19. Despite the “ball” that suggests they’re round, hairballs are more often shaped more like a cigar or sausage.

Again, is the person who studies hairballs getting paid a lot of cash to research this stuff?

“Soooo, how was your day today honey?”

“Oh not too bad Martha. Just a few good-sized hairballs and one really long one. Um, what’s for supper?”

mmmmm

20. Size varies but hairballs are usually about 1 inch long. Some can be five times that length.

Consult the “Smithsonian Institution Cat Hairball” display in Washington, D.C. for the largest hairball. (only kidding…..I don’t think they actually have one there…BUT…..considering how our government wastes money, ya never know)

21. Hairballs tend to be darker than a cat’s coat color because of bile, pet food and various gastric secretions.

(taking my nausea medication)

22. In the Middle Ages, ground-up hairballs were believed to help cure poisoning, epilepsy and the plague. (Remember their Persian origin for “antidote.”)

Guess what I’d do if I had a case of epilepsy or the plague and some doc tried to get me to take a dose of ground-up hairballs. Yep….hari kari.

mmmmm

23. Back then, hairballs were so cherished they were sometimes set with gold and jewels.

Be careful next time ya go to a pawn shop and spot that neat piece of furry round jewelry.

24. To commemorate 2006’s National Hairball Awareness Day, the National Museum of Health and Medicine near Washington, D.C., displayed 10 hairballs from cattle, oxen, a horse and a chicken.

Ok…so there ya have it. And you thought I was way off  base suggesting that the Smithsonian Institution may have a hairball display. Go figure.

26. Brushing cats regularly – daily for long-haired cats – can decrease the amount of ingested hair…and resulting hairballs. After brushing, wipe your cat with a clean cloth to remove any loose hairs.

Or, just use your Dyson vacuum.

mmmmm

27. When hacking begins, try administering a ¼ teaspoon of petroleum jelly to help ease the hairball downward rather than it being upchucked on the carpet. There are also over-the-counter hairball lubricants.

And you give this to a cat how?

28. Some vets also suggest feeding hairball-afflicted cats up to a teaspoon of butter every day for up to a week. Butter acts as a mild laxative. But first check with your vet.

Look for it on your grocers shelf. “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Hairball Butter.”butter2

30. High-fiber pet food can also do the trick. Some specially labeled “Hairball Control” or “Hairball Care” foods help to naturally move hair through the digestive system with dietary fiber.

Might wanna try it on yourself first before giving it to your cat. Just to be on the safe side. HEY! Can’t hurt, especially if you’re already on a “high-fiber” diet.

So there ya have it cat lovers. All the information you’d ever want to know, or not, about cat hairballs. Might wanna lay off  lunch till your stomach settles a bit after reading all this stuff.

And, because “Pet360.com” is REALLY into this hairball thing, guess what they have for you. No….not a gold-plated hairball you can display on your mantel, but the chance to win a year’s supply of hairball preventive cat food. Oh joy. Info below.

“Have a hairball worth “celebrating?” Post a picture of it – or that of the fur you’ve collected after brushing your cat – and you’ll be entered to win free cat food! Pet360.com will choose one entry at random to receive a year’s supply of Royal Canin Feline Health Nutrition Indoor Intense Hairball 34 Dry Cat Food worth more than $500.”

Last

So, get those cameras out and just wait for that hacking sound. You could be the next winner. Providing you don’t barf first taking a photo of your cat hacking up a huge hairball.

Just sayin.’

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Reprise Sunday: The Easter Bunny Conspiracy

For years on end I’ve been on this crusade to gain respect for chickens when it comes to Easter and Easter eggs. Look folks, who TF do ya think lays all those stinkin’ colored eggs that the Bunny gets credit for every Easter. THE CHICKENS!!!!

YES! Chickens ya damn dummies. Stop with the Easter Bunny getting all the credit for cripes sake.

Soooooo, once again here’s my 5th consecutive year of standing up for the rights of the Easter Chicken with yet another reprise of my Easter Sunday blog.

 

Easter 2017……The Chicken Vs. The Stinkin’ Rabbit

 

Yeah,

Tis the season once again when I take up the cause for neglected chickens. So I am once again reprising my post from past Easters in defense of chickens who absolutely get no respect at Easter time.

bunny 4

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, “CHICKENS ARE GETTING SCREWED!”

(NOTE: I am NOT referring to when chickens get it on with roosters)

I’m referring to every time this year, Easter, when chickens do not get the recognition they so well deserve for producing all those eggs that the stinkin’ Easter bunny gets credit for.

Who, I ask you, do ya think slaves day in and day out producing egg after egg in a cold straw nest in some coop somewhere while that bunny just sits back in his cozy rabbit hole watching “Animal Planet.” It’s the chicken you damn dummies! When….when I ask you is the chicken gonna get the credit it deserves for making Easter eggs? WHEN!

This has been going on way too long if ya ask me. Without the chicken the rabbit would be useless at Easter time. No chickens…..no eggs. It’s as simple as that.

Every year at this time it’s the same old thing. “Ohhhh, is the Easter Bunny coming today mommy?” Or, “Mommy, daddy, can we color some neat eggs for Easter?”  Or, “Please….please…..can I get a real live bunny for Easter?”

Gimmie a freakin’ break. Do ya hear any kid ask their parent for a real live chicken for Easter? NO!  What happens to the chicken at Easter? If you’re not eatin’ ham you’re eatin’ a chicken….that’s what happens. Chickens, like Rodney Dangerfield, get absolutely no respect. I’m tired of it!

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What the hell kinda respect does a chicken get at Easter? I’ll tell ya! “PEEPS.” Yes….those marshmallow yellow candy thingys that resemble chickens…PEEPS! Big damn deal. It’s that rabbit that gets all the recognition. Smiley bunnies all over store advertisements. Chocolate bunnies on the store shelves. Real live bunnies in pet stores. Bunny slippers. And, lest we forget, “rabbit ears,” which were for older TV sets before cable TV. Didn’t hear them called, “chicken ears” did ya.

p

And what’s “Playboy Magazine” got for its trademark logo? Yep….a damn rabbit. What’s wrong with having a chicken Mr. Hefner? Not sexy enough for ya?

I somehow suspect that because rabbits multiply quite rapidly by doing what rabbits do when they encounter rabbits of the opposite sex may be the reason “Playboy Magazine” chose a rabbit for their logo. The sex angle folks.bunnny 1

But, again, do ya see any eggs displayed prominently in Playboy? NO! Why? Because there’s NEVER any chickens in Playboy that’s why. Blatant chicken discrimination.

Tom Santos, a friend of mine, wrote a blog last year about his remembrances of Easter. He mentioned that he recalls those wonderful moments in anticipation of Santa Claus coming down the chimney and the Tooth Fairy coming in through the window and leaving a few bucks under his pillow, (his parents were wealthy) but said that he had no idea how the Easter Bunny got into his house.

mmmmmmmmmmm

I, of course, being quite knowledgeable on the scam the Easter Bunny has going for him, enlightened my friend as to how exactly the Easter Bunny gets eggs, (chicken ones) into ones home. It’s very simple. Bunnies burrow into the ground thereby having access to various plumbing conduits. They simply tap into your bathroom plumbing, scurry up the pipe to your toilet, lift up the seat, distribute their eggs, (chicken ones) and scurry back down the pipe.

For faster exits, bunnies, if detected in someone’s home, simply flush the toilet.

As I advised my friend Tom, this is one reason you should always wash your Easter eggs before consuming them.

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On the other hand, if you accept the fact that the Easter Bunny is nothing more than an opportunist who takes advantage of all the hard work a chicken does, you’ll have some compassion for chickens and start educating your children as to who really does all the hard egg work.

It’s time for the “Easter Chicken” to be recognized. Don’t wait for the U. S. Supreme Court to take up the case in “Chicken Lickin’ vs Peter Rabbit” before you take action. Be brave, stand up for all chickens TODAY!  Yes….TODAY….Easter Sunday.

Thanks

 

MisfitWisdom, along with “Chickens For Equal Rights” and the “Cock-a-doodle-doo Roosters Fife and Drum Core”  sponsored this message.

Remember their rally cry in support of chickens rights: “This ain’t no chicken shit.”

IIIIII

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