FINALLY! A Reason For Cats. Use Them As Weapon

Back in 2014 I wrote this cat blog because my cats were basically being cats and annoying the hell outta me. So I researched cats and how they played a crucial role in history to see if they served any other purpose other than to be annoying and breathing “fish breath” into your face first thing in the morning and this is what I found.

Enjoy…………….

 

Posted on March 9, 2014 by misfit120

Having three totally useless do nothing cats myself, I’ve often wondered……..WHY!

Other than someone to talk to when my other half isn’t speaking to me. And even then, I might as well talk to a freakin’ wall, because as we all know, cats can’t talk to you either.

So why have a cat? The gazillion dollar question.

Now, FINALLY comes the explanation out of Philadelphia and a story by the AP.

It seems that back in the 16th century, which we all fondly recall, a German prince, (not the recording artist formally known as Prince) was trying to figure out how to crush a peasant rebellion.

Pay attention here for cripes sake! I said “peasant” NOT “pheasant.” Sometimes ya just have to make these things perfectly clear.

So, I’m assuming as he sat back in his easy chair with his feet up on an ottoman, which, by the way was who he was also worrying about, those no good niks the “Ottomans” and their damn empire, he suddenly had a brainstorm. This, coming after he sneezed and his cat jumped off of his lap thereby digging its claws into his crotch and causing severe pain.

“EUREKA!” I’m assuming he said. AFTER saying $@#!*$#! to the damn cat. “Thouist shall employ the devious nature of thouist kitty and make them there damn Ottomans and peasants pay for their whatever it is I want them to pay for.” Most likely take out food from the castle.

So, according to this article, “fanciful illustrations”, (kinda frilly I guess) from a circa-1530 manual on artillery and siege warfare seem to show jet packs strapped to the backs of cats and doves, with the German-language text helpfully advising military commanders to use them to set fire to a castle or a city when you can’t get to otherwise.”

Which could have been a useful tactic for those people who were stranded on the George Washington bridge in New York last year. Send out a flaming cat across that bridge and everyone scatters. Might have saved Governor Christie’s butt too.

Um, maybeeeeeee not. ASPCA would sure as hell blame him for arming a cat.

So did they really use flaming cats back in the 16th century? And if so, did that tactic actually work? And is THAT where the term “hot pussy” came from? NO WAIT! That was  Donald Trump.

According to University of Pennsylvania researcher Mitch Fraas, and an expert on “hot pussys” I assume, he’s not quite sure. Or, as he may have actually said, “How the f**k would I know. I’m a dog person and besides that do I look like I was around during the 15th century you damn idiots?”

Actually Fraas, (rhymes with bras) says, “I really doesn’t know what to make of it. It, (the drawings of cats on fire) clearly looks like there’s some sort of jet of fire coming out of a device strapped to these animals.” (drawing below)

Oops….sorry, wrong picture……(actual drawing below)

Drawings from multiple artists of that era show all sorts of strange and terrible imagery, from bombs packed with shrapnel to missile-like explosive devices studded with spikes along with those weaponized cats and birds.

Which seems logical to me. The bird part that is. After all, those of us who have experience getting pooped on by a bird can very well understand how they could drop a bomb if ya catch my drift here.

But cats? How would ya get a cat to destroy the enemy?

Well, Fraas says you would have to create a small sack like a fire arrow if you wanted to attack a town or a castle. But first, you would have to get a cat that lived in one of those places. THEN, once you got a hold of that cat, you tie the bind with that fire arrow to the back of the cat, ignite it, let it glow well, then let the cat go, and then it runs to the nearest castle or town and out of fear it thinks to hide itself somewhere like in a barn filled with hay or straw where it will be ignited.

I’m assuming by ignited he meant the hay, straw and the cat. Boy were they lucky the ASPCA wasn’t around then. I certainly hope they had some very good emergency rooms around then too. Have ya ever tried to do ANYTHING to a cat that involves strapping something to it? I still have claw marks all over my body from trying to give one of my cats a damn bath. Never mind strapping a flaming device to it.

Fraas said that he could find no evidence that cats or birds were used in early modern warfare. Which he says is a good thing.

“Sort of a harebrained scheme.” he went on to say. “It seems like a really terrible idea, and very unlikely the animals would run back to where they came from. More likely they’d set your own camp on fire.”

Which may account for that 16th century German prince’s demise as he sat on his ottoman, lit up a cat, which then jumped off of his lap, gouging his crotch, which then made the prince grab his balls in pain thereby knocking over the rest of the cat incendiary devices he had next to him, which then set his castle on fire, burned down the rest of the town, and caused the Ottomans to eventually just walk in and take over that town.

Don’t let a bunch of Ottomans from the Ottoman Empire just run in and take over your town. Subscribe to “Direct TV.”

Which is what that prince should have done in the first place rather than screwing around with a bunch of hot pussys.

Just sayin.’

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Happy Nude Year……

Posted on January 1, 2014 by misfit120

Earlier in the day I posted one of my favorite New Year’s cartoons. Then it got me thinking of the blog I wrote back in 2013 on New Years Day.

NOTE: This is NOT sexual harassment, demeaning women, groping, feeling, touching, grabbing pussy, which apparently is ok considering Trump does it and is STILL President and all his followers think it’s ok. AND….”I” didn’t take ANY of these photos, I’m just reposting them. SO THERE!!!

For those of you insane people who do not understand humor, STOP! Go to another blog site and bitch there.

For those of you who enjoy humor, continue on and I hope you get a good laugh on this last day of 2017.

Let’s all hope 2018 is much better than 2017. More laughter, more getting along with one another, and most of all, common sense.

Happy Nude Year…um…er…..soreeeeee, Happy New Year everyone.

 

My favorite day to wish one and all a “Happy New Year,” and at the same time use my age-old line of, “Happy Nude Year,” as I like to reflect on who took it all off in the year 2013.

First, let’s take a look at a list of celebrities as compiled by the “Huffington Post” who posed nude or were asked to pose nude. NO….I was NOT on that list but had they offered me $20 bucks I might have considered it. I’m easy.

• Jennifer Aniston – Turned down $4 million
• Ashlee Simpson – Turned down $4 million
• Denise Richards – Accepted $2 million
• Heidi Montag – Accepted $1 million
• Drew Barrymore – Accepted $1 million
• Melissa Joan Hart – Turned down $1 million
• Lindsay Lohan – Turned down $750,000, then accepted $1 million
• Carmen Electra – Accepted $500,000
• Nelly Furtado – Turned down $500,000
• Jenni “JWoww” Farley – Turned down $400,000
• Tara Reid – Accepted $250,000
• Jenny McCarthy – Accepted $140,000
• Kim Kardashian – Accepted $110,000
• Pattie Mallette (Bieber’s mom) – Turned down $50,000
• Charlize Theron – Accepted $20,000
• Nadya “Octomom” Suleman – Accepted $8,000

So who do we have that posed naked in 2013? Besides possibly Anthony Wiener on Twitter.

Most notably was Miley Cyrus. Not that anyone over the age of 30 would give a rats ass mind you. Sorry, I just can’t help looking at Miley and still seeing Hannah Montana or some Mouseketeer posing nude. Or even worse, Marge Simpson. Then again, Marge is out of the puberty stage, unlike Miley.

First, this is the image of Cyrus that is forever imbedded in my mind. Sexy?

NOT!

Then, in an attempt to convince all of us that she’s in the same league with Lady Ga Ga, Madonna, and Marge Simpson, poses nude on her last video, “Wrecking Ball.” Yeah, like that’s gonna block out those tongue/ass twerking images outta my brain.

Actually, even though Marge Simpson is a cartoon she still looks a lot hotter than Miley. Then again, Miss Piggy and Jessica Rabbit turn me on too. What can I say.

Then there was the “Playboy Magazine” spread featuring “arrest me, arrest me ya stinkin’ cops” Lindsay Lohan who posed as Marilyn Monroe.

Hey, when you’re constantly making the news by getting arrested, might as well pose nude so that when the cops arrest you, then you can scope out all the places in the jail house that they have your pin ups posted and then judge your popularity with your other cellmates.

“Hey Lindsay honeeee……heh heh, guess what I’m doin’ right now lookin’ at yer pic…heh heh…” Touch of “reality show” humor there folks.

Playboy model, one of the hosts on “The View” and very outspoken Jenny McCarthy also posed nude once again this year. Although NOT while on “The View.” Which would have been a great idea considering the show IS called “The View.”

Lest we forget that Lady Ga Ga has done her share of rolling around naked with steak or a prime rib adorning her body, just in case she gets hungry while posing nude, or, offering a barbecue for the film crew after the photo shoot.

There were many others who posed nude in 2013, unfortunately most of them were on porno web sites and not celebrities. So nobody really cared about them except a bunch of perverts. And the vice squad who’s tracking them down.

“Martha, was that you I saw posing naked on one of them there naked web sites?”

“Yes dear, I thought I’d share my body with everyone on the Internet. Why let them big celebrities get all the limelight.”

“Um sweetie…you’re no celebrity and you’re freakin’ 65 years-old for cripes sake!”

“Oh Harvey, stop complanin’ for gawds sake. The guy down at the CVS Pharmacy has my photo posted up on his wall and told me I resemble Lady Ga Ga.”

“Nooooooo, that’s not what he said. He didn’t say “Lady Ga Ga” he said some “lady gagged” when she saw your photo and since then sales have tripled for nausea medications.”

And our last celebrity nudist, N. E. Patriot Tom Brady’s wife, Gisele Bundchen. NO….I’m STILL not gonna get into watching football Gisele. Um…..unless you’re on the team.

So there ya have it. Some “Happy Nude Year” photos. One can only hope that 2014 will bring yet another slew of celebrities posing in the nude.

Considering I’m waaaay over the hill and young hot looking celebrity women really are out of my league, I’m still waiting for Helen Mirren, Sophia Loren, Gina Lollobrigida, or Ann Margaret to pose nude. Might as well be a bit realistic here considering my age.

THEN……I could replace my worn and tattered naked photo of Betty White nude that I have hanging on my wall that’s been there since 1955.

Just sayin.’

 

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Reprise Saturday: You’re Going To Stick Your Finger Where!!!!!

 

←

Your’re Gonna Stick Your Finger WHERE!!! OMFG!!!!

Posted on December 21, 2013 by misfit120

Reprise Saturday……the day before New Years Eve. Soooooo, I’ll wish all of my followers (2) a very Happy New Year.

Personally, speaking for myself, which I usually do, because no one else ever listens to me anyhow, to put it mildly, 2017 totally sucked big time for the MisfitWisdom clan, (2 people and 2 cats) and my blood pressure soared due to a President that is a totally fucking asshole and lies through his ass.

Not only that, but serious medical issues requiring chemotherapy and various objects inserted in various parts of my body over the last 8 months where I thought you could never stick things into.

That in mind, a reprise of “You’re Gonna Stick That Thing Where!!!!!”

Enjoy folks……

 

Look, I’m not a wimp. I know damn well that when you go to the doctor for an examination they’re always gonna find ways to stick things into parts of your body that things shouldn’t be stuck into. Either some biggggg cold instrument that looks like it should be part of the NASA space program, or, their finger.

I accept that fact. Having had a number of procedures done over the years. And one most recently just yesterday. For you men, who can relate to this, it’s called a prostate exam.

Now I’ve had enough of these prostate exams to know what I’m in for. It basically amounts to bending over and having the doc insert a gloved finger up your butt to check the size of your prostate. Which I think has progressed somewhat from ancient times when they hired a lighting company, similar to the company that illuminates all of Fenway Park or Yankee Stadium, at which point you then had to have your cheeks spread wide open, and they illuminated your butt to observe your prostate while the doc most likely had two Igor type assistants hold your butt open.. My guess anyhow.

Ok, so it’s really not that bad nowadays. Bend over, doc inserts finger, exam over.

What I don’t get is why prostate exams haven’t progressed since the days of Adolf Hitler, considering he was a complete a**hole and definitely needed to have HIS prostate examined. He might have turned out to be a really nice guy had they caught the case of a**holeinitus he was apparently suffering from.

It seems to me that with the many technological advancements in modern medicine today that the ol bend over finger exam would have been refined a bit more. I mean, if you can have non invasive surgery that involves making what amounts to a pinhole in your body and they can insert all kinds of wires, surgical instruments, cameras and a film crew into that small incision, why the hell haven’t they perfected prostate exams to the point that you don’t have to bend over and have a finger inserted up your butt?

Unless it’s one of those instances where the latex rubber glove companies have a great lobbiest within the medical community who thinks that latex glove companies will go out of business if prostate exams can be done without those gloves and millions of people will be out of work if they discontinue the use of those gloves. Who the “f**k knows?

Why can’t someone come up with a better way to conduct a prostate exam? Say like this for instance. You go to your doctor’s office for your exam. You simply sit on a device that resembles a toilet, because it DOES kinda spread your butt cheeks, and then, instead of water in the toilet, a series of lights illuminate your butt and a tiny camera pops up, takes a photo of your prostate from a verrrry close range, and SHAZAM! you’re outta there with no finger rubber glove trauma.

AND….you could have safely eaten a bean burrito the night before and not have to worry that during the exam you might fart your freakin’ brains out. Always a major concern of course.

PLUS….you get a nice 8 X 10 photo of your butt suitable for framing.

Now think about this for a moment. There’s a complete colonoscopy exam at which point a long, (verrrry long) tube with a camera is inserted up your butt with a camera on the end that takes some really great color shots of your colon. (smile)

THEN, there’s the same long tube with the camera they use to give you what is called an endoscopic test which is when they insert that long tube down your throat to examine your intestines and whatever else they come across. Maybe that bean burrito.

Actually, my thought anyhow, is that if you were to get both tests done at the same time those long tubes could actually meet one another inside of your body and take a picture of themselves.

My only concern over the years was how throughly do they clean those long tubes after those exams. I mean, suppose both tubes are used for either examination. Which basically means if you wake up and your mouth tastes like s**t somethings gotta be wrong here. Again….my thought.

“Igor, did you throughly sterilize this colonoscopy tube that I’m now using to shove down this guys throat?”

“Oops…..sorry doc, I thought you did.”

So, a note to any brainiac out there who has some expertise on how to invent new and innovative medical exam devices.

FOR CRIPES SAKE COME UP WITH A NEW FREAKIN’ WAY TO CONDUCT PROSTATE EXAMS INSTEAD OF CONDUCTING EXPERIMENTS ON LAB RATS WHO COULDN’T GIVE A RATS ASS (literally) IF SOMEONE SHOVES A GLOVED FINGER UP THEIR BUTTS!!!!

I would also tend to feel some compassion for women who have mammograms too. Based on the number of times my other half has had her mammys grammed and has complained about the procedure which involves putting pressure on her boobs in order to detect any abnormalities.

Not actually having experienced that procedure, and on occasion advising her to just tell the doctor that I personally can vouch for the condition of her boobs, having conducted many of my own examinations, for medical purposes of course, you would think that should be enough. BUT….they still insist on doing that procedure. Which also needs to be refined to the point where it is not so uncomfortable.

More needs to be done to find ways to correct these procedures to the point where it’s enjoyable rather than uncomfortable.

Well, maybe “enjoyable” was a poor choice of words there. Maybe I should have used the word, “comfortable” instead.

As in my idea of a prostate exam using a toilet device with lights and cameras.

OR, in the case of mammograms, just taking our word for it, (guys) that if we conduct our own mammograms at home on a daily basis, it should be good enough for doctors to accept.

After all, who but W. B. Mason, um….sorry….I meant who but us men should know about our female companions boobs more than us. A doctor who exams their boobs for 15 minutes, or us guys who have a “hands on” approach day in and day out, or, night in and night out. Depending on when its most convenient for you to check your companions boobs.

Now if we guys could only get our companions to check our prostate, the rubber glove industry would not have to worry, and it really could turn out to be an enjoyable experience. In the end. Literally speaking.

Just sayin.’

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Reprise Saturday: I Could Probably Run For Political Office…..But I’d Have To Resign Later…….Unless I Change My Name To Trump

 

 

*Today’s MisfitWisdom blog is a reprise from January 31, 2010.

I dug this one out of my MisfitWisdom archives after giving much thought to the last presidential election which is over a year already,  which, seems like a title from that movie, “From here To Eternity.”

And if you’re like me, after being subjected to endless Trumpisms, (my word) in which he self promotes himself day after day, you just wanna smack him, or an innocent fruit to vent your frustrations out on.

 

And……considering in my own demented opinion, The Donald is not what I would call presidential material, nor would I want his hand, or hairpiece dangling over the nuclear button, I began to realize that with my sordid background I too could possibly run for president of the Yew United States.

Which is why I chose to reprise today’s blog.

Enjoy.

(The blog from 2010)

It’s come to my attention that I could actually seek a political office. Say, um, a member of the local Town Council, or Governor, State Senator, and maybe, the Presidency!  YES!  After all, I have many of the same qualifications that most politicians do.  I actually think I’d be a shoe in. (where did that phrase “shoe in” come from anyhow?) Never mind.

Look folks, I’m breathing.  Which is qualification number one. I sometimes say a lot of stupid insensitive things. Qualification number two.  I’m totally inexperienced. Qualification number three.  (Hey,….it worked for Scott Brown, Sarah Palin and now Donald Trump)

I once posed nude for a woman’s magazine.  Qualification number four.  Yeah, I know, those nude pics of me haven’t surfaced yet but sure as hell if I ran for office they’d be on the front page of the National Enquirer.

Oops….forgot about this pic too…DAMN!!!

I might add, as a footnote here, that those nude photographs of me were taken when I was a very young radio disc jockey striving for publicity. At that time I had no intention of running for political office so I didn’t give a rat’s ass.  However, in light of  former Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown’s nude photographs in Cosmo, I think if the photos do surface, I’m pretty safe here.  Then again, I’m not from Massachusetts.

But lets look at my overall chances and why I think I could actually be a great candidate.

In 2009 U.S. Representative William Jefferson from Louisiana was charged with 11 to 16 counts of bribery after Federal agents discovered $90,000 in his home freezer.  I’ve been known to hide a few bucks under some cube steak in my freezer for a rainy day lest my wife discover it and spend it on something foolish, say like food or something.

Then there’s Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, (Gesundheit) who in 2008 was charged of conspiring to get financial benefits through his authority to appoint a U.S. Senator to fill Obama’s Senate seat.  I once used my authority as a limo driver to cut into a funeral procession so as not to lose any time buying a lottery ticket before the number was drawn.

Former presidential candidate John Edwards was all over the news because he had an affair with another woman and fathered a child with her.  I can’t say that I ever fathered a child with another woman while I was married, but I did have a Beagle once that broke into my neighbor’s basement and had sex with his Beagle and fathered 6 more Beagles.  Where the hell was the National Enquirer then?

One of my favorite examples or how I know I could run for office is Senator Larry Craig of Idaho.  He’s the one who pleaded guilty of misdemeanor charges stemming from complaints of lewd conduct in a men’s room.  Remember that one?  The ol tapping the shoe in the stall routine and pass the toilet paper honey.  I think I ran out of toilet paper once at a local casino and had to bang on the stall wall for assistance.  I don’t recall making lewd advances at the attendant when he gave me a new roll, but he did look at me kind of strangely when I was covering my private parts.

Of course we all know the Bill Clinton story.  Yes, good ol Monica Lewinsky who just happened to save her dress that had an implicating stain on it.  (checking my closet to see if I managed to save any stains from years past…………….nope………….S**T! )  But I do have a stain on my old limo outfit when I was driving down the interstate and some $#@#!! cut me off and everything spilled all over my clothes.  I suppose I could claim that I was having sex at the time which might qualify me for a Congressional seat.  Just a thought.

Senator Mark Foley of Florida resigned his Congressional seat after it was discovered that he sent sexually charged electronic messages to boys working as Congressional pages.  Somewhere out there are sexually charged messages I sent to little Gloria Fernswick in high school, which she may or may not have saved, and if I ran for office, they too might surface.  (gotta locate Gloria and pay her the hell off)

Finally, there’s good old you don’t have Richard (Watergate)  Nixon to kick around anymore.  My idol when it comes to my chances for running for office regardless of whatever the hell I ever did in life. 

Anyhow, Nixon actually solidifies my chance for running for President. Just like his connection to the Watergate break in, I have a connection to a break in as well.  A number of times I have locked myself out of my car and have had to actually break in to gain access.  I know what you’re thinking.  It’s not the same thing.  OK, OK, I get it, but as far as I’m concerned it’s a break in.  (entering that fact into my political resume)

Finally, with my political resume complete here, all I need to do is pattern myself after another famous offender, whom I can most likely get the public to relate to, and, with the electorate longing for the good ol days and vote for me based on their love for that past candidate.  Let’s see……um………..George Washington……….nah.   His only claim to fame was the great cherry tree caper.

Yeah…bet it was Hillary

Lincoln!  …………….nope,…..he was waaaay too honest.  We all know there’s no such thing as an honest politician.

AH HA!  BUSH!  Hmmmmm, no, too many lewd jokes about his name that can be tied in to Playboy Magazine body part references.

I Got It!  Oregon Senator Bob Packwood.  Remember him?  Yeah!  He was accused of groping, kissing and propositoning women for sex.  Geez, I’ve done that.  Well, um, not propositioning other women for sex, but I have propositioned my other half.  Even groped her and on many occasions, kissed her.  I think I’m a shoe in. I definitely have all of the qualifications needed.

Now that I’m finished listing my qualifications, it’s time to head out on the campaign trail.

“Honey!  I’ll make the meatloaf for dinner if I can grope you, make sexually suggestive remarks, and possibly insert part A into part B later on.  I’ll try not to stain any clothing.  By the way, here’s five bucks to keep quiet.”

I can see it all now. “DICK FOR PRESIDENT”

Hmmmmmmmmm,…..maybe I’d be better off using Richard.

Copyright 2010/2017 MisfitWisdom

Reprise Sunday: The MisfitWisdom Picture Scrapbook…..

Sometimes ya have to go back in time, to when things were normal, somewhat, and all you had to worry about were normal everyday assholes in your daily life, which, there were a lot of in my life being in the broadcasting industry. Thank gawd they’re all out of my life now.

Today we’re surrounded by assholes of the political nature trying to fuck up our lives with lies and “do as I say, not as I do” logic. We all know who the leader of the pack is too. BUT…….some of you elected him, most likely the same idiots who were assholes when I was in broadcasting. Makes sense to me.

Anyhow, that’s the major reason I do not write blogs anymore. Too much hatred and lies being spread to think that people really care about humor or WTF I write. I’m not going to spend my time writing humor when today’s society mind set is to create hate and discontent whenever possible.

That said, I post these “Reprise Sunday” old blogs to amuse myself as well as to remember the good old days when we were all a lot younger and actually got along….cept for the earlier assholes I mentioned.

So…..enjoy these pics, and the rest of the blog, and try to think back to the time when we, for the most part…..all got along. : )

 

Nah….not this time kitty

Ritu of the blog “But I Smile Anyway” issued a challenge to bloggers to post photos and tell a story about each photo. So, thinking of that challenge, I decided to post a bunch of photos, or stuff, and perhaps tell a story. It’s the least I can do for a fellow blogger. Um, do ya call a woman (Ritu) a “fellow” blogger. After all, she IS a woman. Beats me.

To begin with, all of us take photos. Then throw them in a drawer or box  somewhere where they sit for eons, until someone visits and we want to bore the hell outta them. I’m no exception. So, consider this boring the hell outta you. Thanks Ritu.

Let us begin with my young and (cough) innocent years at my first radio job as a DJ in Providence, Rhode Island in 1963. Yes kiddies, the object with the big knobs is called a mixer board which controlled everything. Look Ma, no touch screens!!!

WTF you lookin’ at!

Yes, that was the beginning of my radio broadcasting career. BUT….what goes up, must come down, so I’ll skip the in-betweens of allllll the other radio stations I worked at and fast forward to when I got to the “top of the heap” “King of the hill,” (lyrics courtesy of Frank Sinatra’s “New York, New York”) The year was 1969, and the station WPRO-AM Providence, Rhode Island.

WTF you lookin’ at again!!!

Soooo, after that it was downhill in broadcasting until I said “f**k it” and hung up my voice and microphone for good in 1988. If ya count the year I spent in the Army also doing radio, and some Mickey Mouse stuff part-time it totals close to 30 years.

One last one for good measure. Heilbronn, Germany 1959

Today, all ya have to be to be a bona-fide disc jockey is………have a computer. No great sounding voice required.

Today, people always say to me, “Hey, you still got a great radio voice, how come you’re not doing that stuff?”

To which I reply, “Having a good voice doesn’t matter. It’s who ya know bunko.” You know, “connections.” Of which I have none. Unless ya count my friends Bobby and Tom, and THEIR connections are even worse than mine….which means zippo.

OK, enough of the whining………um….was I whining?

OK….OK….I was whinning

BUT…..I did get this great coffee mug from “Autocrat Coffee”………

“Dick Jones” (circia 1963) AKA….MisfitWisdom

Might be worth, um, say……..a few thousand bucks on eBay. Ya think?

Er…..maybeeeeee not. DAMN!

OK……back to pictures again.  Maybe something weird. Like how about a pic of my favorite coffee mug.

Makes sense to me……….

Always being short for my entire life, for some odd reason I always seemed to have very tall friends. For instance, Willie Loco Alexander who was my best friend back in my teenage years. He went on to become a recording artist while I went on to play recording artist’s records as a DJ. Go figure.

Willie & I back in 1980 AD in Mass. (I’m the short guy)

 

Willie far left

Soooooo, what do ya do when you have a lot of talent, a good radio voice, but are surrounded by idiots in the broadcasting industry who always try to bring you down? Ya get outta the business and find something else to do. Like become a sales rep. for some record distribution companies. Which is what I did. AND……my favorite memory of that time, the paste-up card I did for the record company mocking the album “Grease” substituting my pic for John Travolta’s.

Ya gotta admit, I got it all over John……. Olivia honeeeee

And when that ended I foolishly went back on the air at a Connecticut station and STILL managed to piss people off by doing an interview with a topless donut shop in Florida. YES…..ya can’t see nudity on the radio folks, but explain THAT to the idiots that fired my butt.

Actually it was a sponsor’s wife that called into station management and complained that nudity was not appropriate. And you know sponsors and sponsors wives mean $$$$$$ and that was that.

Of course I documented all this crap in my non best-selling autobiography “I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love and Life Got In The Way.”

Had to get things off my chest

Rather than continue to bore the freakin’ hell outta you, I’ll fast forward by saying that today I am perfectly content knowing that although my radio career was sidelined by egotistical and jealous minded individuals, I now write these stupid blogs, (along with three books to my credit) with no flack from idiots.

And………………….

Ya think?

Just sayin.’

Thanks for the challenge Ritu. : )

 

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Reprise Sunday: Another Look At Thanksgiving

 

Thanksgiving is once again upon us. Time to give thanks that so for Donald Trump hasn’t blown up the World, started World War III, or groped Sarah Huckabee Sanders or Kellyanne Conway…..as far as we know.

So here’s a reprise of my Thanksgiving blog from 2013.

Enjoy……

Thanksgiving 2013………A Lighthearted Look At Turkeys, The Holiday, Tradition and Eating.

Posted onNovember 28, 2013by misfit120

Well here we are. Another Thanksgiving and another day we can really pig out and not have anyone getting on our case about it. Until the following day when its leftover time.

This year I thought I’d highlight some of the lighter things about Thanksgiving with a few well chosen cartoons. Only because if I start really getting into writing most of you will have fallen asleep by the second paragraph. Has something to do with turkey tryptophan or something. Although, if that’s the case, why is it turkeys aren’t sleeping all of the time.

I personally think that is a myth. My theory is that turkey farmers, being of a compassionate nature, drug their turkeys with a few tranquilizers before they hack their heads off. Thereby transferring the tranquilizers effects to us….who then eat the turkey. My theory anyhow.

Hey! Can you come up with anything better?

Onward……………

And these days one always has to be careful when establishing a relationship with a turkey.

Because we men are basically a bunch of perverts and have only one thing on our mind, “boobs,” this actually makes sense to me.

However, keep in mind if life is ever discovered on other planets, pray it’s not inhabited by turkeys.

And, pause for a moment of silence for the dearly departed on this day.

In Arnold Schwarzenegger’s house at Thanksgiving there was always a problem.

You may recall that Mitt Romney wanted to get rid of Big Bird. It finally happened.

On the very first Thanksgiving, football was invented. Which leads me to conclude that the first football was made out of turkey skin. Just a guess. BUT…seems kinda logical to me.

And of course one of the deleted scenes from The Wizard of Oz.

Some of us less fortunate people sometimes have minor screw ups cooking our Thanksgiving turkey. But, nothing to fret about.

This day is also a day where you should remember that your loyal pets are a part of the family as well. Please share with them…..before they attack you and run off with a drumstick.

As I mentioned earlier, pray that turkeys do not inhabit other planets.

Naturally football is on the agenda today.

Then there’s the endless days of leftovers until it comes outta your ears. Unless, as in the MisfitWisdom household, where there’s only myself and my other half, we simply go to the city every year, trap a plump city bird, (pigeon) and serve that sucker up on Thanksgiving. Nooooooooooooooooooooo leftovers.

And for the first time in a sixty million gazillion years Thanksgiving and Hanukkah are being celebrated for the first time together. Aptly dubbed, “Thanksgivingkah.” Oy vey.

And for the rest of you turkeys who have demented minds…………………

So, that’s it folks. Hope your Thanksgiving Day is filled with warmth and happiness.

To all the turkeys who gave their lives…………..(a moment of silence)

Ok….lets eat!

 

Copyright 2013/2017 MisfitWisdom RLV

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Reprise Sunday: Do We Really Need All These Statues?

I went back to September 2013 and dug up this blog I wrote on statues. BEFORE statues became a political  football since The Donald became president. Then again, EVERYTHING has become a political football since he became president……even football. (sigh)

Sooooooo, everybody’s all up in arms, and legs, and other various body parts about Confederate statues. And, as we all know, tearing them down will make a better world. As well as denying that the war between the states ever existed or that any Confederate soldier, private to  General ever existed.

Hmmm…….has anyone thought about burning any books relating to that conflict as well?

Oops….just gave some wingnut an idea. Damn.

Anyhow, while the anti-statue movement continues to grow, other statues of note that may, or may not offend, are completely accepted.

Take a look……………………

Do We Really Need All These Statues

Posted on September 7, 2013 by misfit120

Must have been a boring day at the Associated Press this week. Reporter Charles Babington babbles on about the excessive number of statues there are all over the place. Like, all ya have to do is become somewhat of a celebrity or historic figure, and SHAZAM! someone wants to put up a statue of you.

So I was kinda curious as to what kind of statues were out there that perhaps the AP missed.

They did mention that all summer long at the mother lode of statuism, Washington, D.C., thousands of visitors take a gander at the endless statues in the Nation’s Capitol that honor the nation’s founders, leaders and legends.

Such as George Washington, father of his country. Thomas Jefferson, father of Sally Hemmings. Abraham Lincoln, preserver of the union. Jimmy Hoffa, head of a bunch of unions, and still missing, most likely buried in a field in Union, New Jersey. (no statue there honoring him or that particular spot however) And John Gorrie, inventor of the ice machine.

Yep, John Gorrie.

Why you ask, as I did. Because Mr. Gorrie, as the AP points out,  made an important contribution to history by inventing that ice machine. Not only because he invented it as a means of helping malaria patients by producing cool air, but because a guy named Willis Carrier took it a step further and invented the air conditioner based on Gorrie’s invention. Go figure.

So ya see, it doesn’t take much to have a statue erected in your honor if you are smart enough to invent a milestone invention to help all of mankind, or are a historic figure or even a celebrity.

The AP goes on to name a few more honorees such as King Kamehameha of Hawaii. James Paul Clarke, a governor and senator from Arkansas. Jeannette Rankin of Montana the first woman elected to the House. And James Z. George, (no relation to Boy George) of “Mississippi who was the Father of the Agriculture Department.”

All well deserving I might add. I think.

But, let’s take a look at what other statues there are out there that might be borderline questionable.

For instance:

Tripping along………….

Oh Yeah…..take this buddy…………..

Sooooo, how long you been waitin’ in line?

Be proud the next time someone calls YOU a blockhead.

Is it me, or does anyone immediately think of the Hollie’s song, “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother?”

Frightening memories of my last trip to the ENT docs office.

Oops….sorry honeeee, but when ya gotta go, ya gotta go.

Soon to be the next Playboy Magazine “Playmate of the Year.” Eat your heart out Hugh Hefner.

From that horror movie, “The Vagina That Ate Chicago.”

Um, take two aspirin and call me in the morning.

Anybody wanna fork around?

Don’t get too close, I have a severe case of gas pains.

Sorry folks, please don’t be too HARD on me for posting this one.

So there ya have it. A collection of notable statues that the AP may have missed and that I’m sure will be on everyone’s to visit list.

But, in conclusion, lest we forget the most notable statue of all, the Statue of Liberty……expressing her feelings about all of these other noteworthy statues…..

Just sayin.’

 

Copyright 2013/2017 MisfitWisdom RLV

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Reprise Sunday: The Fantastic MisfitWisdom Oldies Show

Posted on September 11, 2012 by misfit120

 

 

From September 2012 a reprise of one of my favorite MisfitWisdom blogs. Back to the days of Top 40 radio and those good old oldies. And, being somewhat of an “oldie” myself it’s comforting to take a break from today’s ballistic news and listen to some of these songs.

Enjoy…………………………

Well, um….it’s fantastic to me. Only because every now and then I like to take a break from the usual nonsense that I write about, and take a well deserved breather by recalling the great days of radio broadcasting and oldie music stations that played top 40 music. Which I was a part of from the early 60’s to the late 80’s. Years….not my age.

I decided to write this because I came across Jackie DeShannon’s post on Facebook a few days ago indicating that she would be appearing on a TV show. (the interview link with Jackie is below)

Jackie DeShannon

See me on KTTV Good Day LA’s Tribute to Buddy Holly, http://www.myfoxla.com/video?clipId=7699824&topVideoCatNo=240600&autoStart=true

After watching the interview I was catapulted back in time to a specific Jackie DeShannon song that did not make it into the “Top 40” charts, but, which I personally thought was a great song. In fact, there were two specific DeShannon songs that I thought were great, but, both did not hit the top charts. Either I have very bad taste in music, or, everyone else does. Here’s Jackie doing, “The Prince” and “Vanilla O’Lay.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I might add that Jackie, as you can tell by the interview, is still quite attractive and is still in the music business with a new CD available.

When I was a disc jockey, part of a disc jockeys job at some stations was to listen to new releases and pick one that we thought would make it to the top. It was a weekly ritual at some radio stations. Having a weird taste in music, meaning that I did not necessarily go bonkers over the Beatles, Presley etc, I always looked for something unusual. How unusual?  Well, this next video of Barry Ryan singing “Eloise,” might give ya a clue.

(I chose this French video of Barry performing because he still does it exactly as it sounded on the original record and, because the French seem to appreciate him more than we did)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I always say to myself, which I do on many occasions when no one else will listen to me, “Misfit, if you ever come into a gazillion dollars you’re going to find all these obscure recording artists and book them in a concert.” Of course I’ll never come into a gazillion dollars, so the chances of me putting on a concert are nil……..which is why I have to do it in here.

So, the next recording is one that D.J’s had a lot of fun with. It’s by a group called the “Starlites” and was recorded back in 1960. It’s the old girl dumps boy story but with a lot of wailing and crying by the lead singer towards the end of the song. They used a lot of Kleenex tissues recording this one. Lot of nose blowing too. I think.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can ya tell I liked really off the wall stuff.

Buddy Holly and the Crickets had huge hits back in late 50’s and early 60’s. Of course we all know the tragic fate of Buddy in a 1959 plane crash along with the “Big Bopper,” (J. P. Richardson) and Ritchie Valens. But, of all the Buddy Holly and Crickets songs that were recorded, one stands out in particular and is still being performed today by a member of the original group, Jerry “Ivan” Allison.  The song, which many of you might not be aware of, unless you’re really into Buddy Holly music is, “Real Wild Child,” performed here live by Jerry Allison who used the name “Ivan” on the record label.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One of my picks to be a hit was this next song by a group of three girls who called themselves, “Reparata and the Delrons.” singing, “Whenever A Teenager Cries.” (1964)  It really didn’t make it to the “Top 40,” only reaching mid way through the charts. But, it was a great song if you were a teenager and cried a lot. Lots of crying going on in records in those days.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of course the Everly Brothers had many blockbuster hits during their years which spanned many years, from their first hit, “Bye Bye love” in 1957 to their last charted hit,”Bowling Green,” which only made it to number 40 on the top charts. My favorite, “Gone, Gone, Gone” performed live:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As you can tell by now, I was a bit off the main stream when it came to rock and roll music. Well, at least some mainstream songs, not artists. For instance, the Four Seasons. Yes, they had many great songs and Frankie Valli, the lead signer, still does concerts today. But, again, one of my favorite songs you’ve probably never heard or, if you did, most likely never bought it, was called “Idaho.” It wasn’t a hit. In fact, I don’t think it even appeared on a chart anywhere or if they even perform it in any of their concerts. Probably because they’re trying to forget they recorded it. After listening to this song, you might understand why. But, I love it. Maybe a few people in Idaho do too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, you might be asking yourselves, how did I ever get such an off the wall taste in music. Well, being an only child, my best friend was my dog, and, for those of you who were brought up in the 50’s, you may recall there were only 2 or 3 TV stations to choose from, and, prior to Dick Clark’s “American Bandstand,” I was relegated to secluding myself in my parent’s basement and entertaining myself with old 78 RPM records using a wind up phonograph player. Which is how me and the dog spent our time. He eventually left, totally bored out of his mind from the music I was playing. Damn dog.

So, what influenced my musical tastes? This very first record. From this point on, after listening to Phil Harris and “The Thing,” it was downhill for me. I would always gravitate towards the unusual and mostly “one hit wonder” type hit songs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I always wanted to record a song myself, but never had the opportunity. However, my old friend and recording artist “Willie Loco Alexander” did record a song about our childhood lives on one of his albums, “The Dragons Are Still Out,” entitled, “Me and Dick V.” Which is the closest I will ever come to being imortalized……at least on vinyl.

So, hope you enjoyed today’s “MisfitWisdom Fantasic Oldies Show.” And, like all oldie shows, they obviously have to all end with a final goodnight, or, goodbye song. So I’m closing today’s blog with my favorite emotional goodby song. Because I’m staying here, to write tomorrow’s blog, but you’re leaving. You’re moving out!  Honors go to Lynda Carter.

 

 

 

As Arte Johnson would say on “Laugh In:” “Verrrrry interesthing….but….schtoopid!”I decided to add one more song to this blog that was not in the original post. Why? Because if further proves my original point. Which is, either I have no taste in music, or you don’t……….

AND……I STILL play this song “Prisencolinensinainciusol” by Adrian Celentano while driving my truck today. Um….but not with my other half in the truck. Drives her nuts.

 

 

 

Copyright 2012/2017 MisfitWisdom RLV

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Meow…..Or F**K Off…Or….Other Things Your Cat Is Trying To Tell You

Welcome to reprise Sunday. (subtitled, “I Was Too Lazy To Write A Blog”)

Today’s blog is from 2013 and still relevant today because MY cats still drive me nuts doing the same thing they did in 2013. So in case you missed this one, enjoy.

Frustrated cat people, today’s blog is just for you. Personally, Ah feel your pain. Because I have 3 cats and can’t figure out half the time what the hell they’re up to, other than driving me outta my ever lovin’ tree.

However, help is on the way. The good folks at Yahoo’s “Shine” and Sarah B. Weir have given us a video by cat person Nicky Trevorrow explaining just what the hell cats are up to when they do certain things.

Cat training school: $5,ooo

First, let’s take a look at the video by Nicky who apparently has cats all figured out. (video courtesy of “catsprotectionuk.”)

http://youtu.be/bvsfB7sf4QU

OK…if you watched that video you have obviously figured out what “meow” means and will no longer have any problems communicating with your cat. However…….suppose Nicky is wrong.

For instance, she said that if your cat is walking around with its tail up it’s greeting you. Because, as we all know, cats cannot shake your hand. BUT….suppose a cat who has their tail up is actually experiencing a case of gas. Hey….you know how difficult it is to let one rip while you’re sitting on your butt without leaning off to one side. So why shouldn’t it be any different for cats. Gotta let a cat fart out….simple….lift your tail. Makes sense to me.

Cat rubbing. Yep, we’ve all seen cats rubbing their bodies all over everything and according to the video, they’re marking territory with their scents. Wouldn’t using magic markers make more sense? My theory is that cats do that rubbing stuff because they’re horny. Men do it….so why not cats.

That “slow blink” that Nicky says is responding to you and that you should slow blink them back. Now how the hell does she know that? Suppose the cat has an eyesight problem or something in its eye. Not much credibility in that explanation. Just to be on the safe side however, ya might wanna take your cat to a certified catthalmologist

When cats have a flattened body, excluding getting run over by a semi in the road, it supposedly means they are stressed. Oh sure Nicky. Do ya see me laying flat all over the place because I’M stressed. Of course not. Most likely cats laying in a flattened body position means cats wanna lay flat in flattened body position. It’s either that or just stand around looking stupid.

Ok, so now another theory that when cats slide and slither they want their tummies rubbed. I can actually agree with Nicky on this one. On many occasions while lying in bed at night I tend to slide and slither when I want MY tummy rubbed. Usually all I ever get is a head bump……from the cat.

Similar to a three dog night. (Not the rock group)

If a cat is licking their lips it’s supposed to be a sign of stress. Or…..(my theory) they just devoured a tasty mouse and you should NOT let them lick you under any circumstances. This also applies to shortly after you see a cat in the “L” position.” (licking its butt)

This next one is a “no brainer.” Purring means that a cat is content. I agree with this deduction 100%. Unless of course the cat is a mountain lion you come across when you’re on a hiking trip and it appears that it has not had anything to eat for a while. In that case….run like hell.

Now, as some of you may recall, I have on occasion mentioned that I have cats. Three to be exact. So I watched Nicky’s video with interest. Only because, after spending many years with these cats, I still have no freakin’ clue what the hell they’re up to.

Yes, I DO understand certain things. Spencer the tuxedo meows when I open the fridge. Why? Because that’s where the eggs are stored and he knows, open fridge = meow = egg. He absolutely loves raw beaten eggs. Which is why we had to buy him a chicken and teach him to get his own damn eggs.

Cassie, the Calico you just cannot shut up. It’s constant meow, meow, meow, meow regardless of what the hell you’re doing. Talk to her, and she responds with more meows. If she were a human, she’d be on “The View” doing interviews.

Cassie annoying the hell outta me

The last of the three, Olivia, is just a plain old Tabby and somewhat of a social butterfly. She loves men and will rub her body all over any male who so much as touches one hair on her body. I’m convinced she’d be a hooker if she were human.

Obviously this would be Olivia

All three actually at one point or another do a lot of the stuff in Nicky’s video. Which for the most part I just ignore because that’s what cats do and why should I give a rats ass why they do what they do. Like…duh…I’ve got other things to do other than trying to figure out what the hell a cat is trying to tell me.

Well, at least ME. As for my other half, that’s another story.

However in our house…….(see below)

She worries about EVERYTHING that the cats are doing. “OMG, did the cat barf on the rug?” “Hey…is that a bug Olivia’s eating?” ‘Did you leave the toilet seat up, you know they love to play in water.” “Honeee, I’m worried, I didn’t find much cat poop in the litter box today?” “Oh look, Spencer is licking himself, how cute, hope he doesn’t cough up a fur ball.” And my favorite…….”Dear, I haven’t seen any of the cats in over an hour, do ya think we should check on them?” (our cats are indoor cats, do NOT know how to open doors, sleep 18 hours a freakin’ day, and she’s worried that she hasn’t seen a damn cat)

My theory to all of this why cats do what they do is this.

BECAUSE.

If “because” is a good enough reason for a woman to use when a man asks a question then it’s good enough to explain why cats do what they do.

Just sayin.’

Oliva

Cassie

Spencer

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Love Playing Slot Machines? Want to Increase Your Odds At Winning? FINALLY! Some Really Good Advice. Honest!

Look folks, I’ve been playing slot machines for eons. Yes, I’ve won and I’ve lost. BUT……in the past few weeks I FINALLY realized why I’ve been winning more than losing.

It was a DUH! moment. And I can’t believe I never noticed what I was doing wrong before today.

First of all, I’ll share this with you BUT….yes, always a but. It’ll cost ya $20.

WHY! Because obviously this is great information and if others are selling their slot strategy books for $$$$$ why shouldn’t I at least get paid for some good advice. $20 bucks will not break your bank. And if you had some good info wouldn’t YOU at least want to be compensated for sharing it?

BUT……..because this isn’t a guaranteed win plan but an “increase your odds plan” you obviously can take it or leave it. Doesn’t matter to me. It worked for me on many occasions and I sure as hell hope it works for you if you opt to spend the $20 bucks and give it a shot.

Yeah, if you opt in, thanks. AND….if it works for you PLEASE send me a “selfie” with you in front of the slot machine you won on and I’ll post it in this blog. I’d post my selfie here but then you’d know which “3” slot machines I’ve hit on for 1. Playing differently than I normally used to. 2. Being persistent, and 3. Staying on that one machine and NEVER jumping around from machine to machine.

My companion, Lei, hates the fact that I play these three machines and stay there till I win or lose. Why? Because she wants a quick hit or she gets antsy or bored. Me…I’m patient and when I finally hit a machine, SHAZAM! there she is to take half of the winnings. honest!

You WILL NOT win all the time, BUT you WILL play longer thereby increasing your odds and playing much longer than if you played other machines like pennies and dollars. THIS IS A FACT which I’ve learned in the past few weeks. Damn I’m pissed I didn’t do this sooner. I just was not paying attention.

This past Thursday 8/17/17 I hit it for $600. Not a big hit, but I’ll take it doing what I discovered when it comes to these 3 machines. AND….I only started with $30. YES $30.

Finally, I’m retired, on a fixed income and DO NOT have a lot of spare cash to spend on slots. Which is another reason I’m asking for $20. Yep…….for my info and obviously to play more slots. So, your call.

I will be going back to the casino Monday because they offer us old geezers free slot play. A whopping $10. But I WILL be playing one of those 3 machines I mentioned.

So here’s the deal. My PayPal link is below. Should you wish to know everything and take a chance just click on the link, key in your $20 amount and I’ll send you the information via e-mail “personally” because I want you to know I’m not some big company trying to scam you. In fact, if you go into my archives you’ll see I’ve been here on WordPress for many years. AND….here’s my “personal” e-mail so you can ask any questions you want as well as contact me after you’ve bought into my information using Pay Pal.

parvitt@sbcglobal.net

Remember, this is NOT a guarantee but a way to increase your odds of winning by playing longer. Works for me.

Here is the PayPal link:

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=MTNBRN2APJLGJ