It’s Sunday…..and……There’s Just Too Many News Items Today For Me To Comprehend

F**king cats..........

F**king cats……….

It’s not often that I get completely overwhelmed by reading the Sunday paper. Usually because the only part of the Sunday paper worth reading are the comics.

I base this on the fact that during an election year I find myself getting stressed out reading the stupid things politicians say and the amount of coverage the media gives to them.

So, that said, which I just did, I simply pull out the comics and let my other half get uptight by reading everything else.

However, because I had somewhat of a stressful morning due to the fact that all of our terrorist cats decided that our choice of sleeping in should not be an option and began meowing at 6am, AND, when I attempt to write on this ancient computer another one also meows while sitting on my lap kneading her claws into my jeans, I decided to actually read the paper in the hope that she would, (the cat and not my other half) fall asleep, and THEN I could begin this blog.

mmm

You KNOW you’re all pushing the envelope of my patience don’t ya

Wrong decision.

I found myself ignoring the political news, lest I commit Hari Kari, but went on to other stuff in the paper that I felt would have somewhat of a calming effect on me.

However, now I’m more stressed than ever after reading:

MetLife is dumping Snoopy the dog.

OMFG! What the hell is next? Geico dumping the gecko? Borden’s dropping Elsie the cow? The Aflac duck! Worse, Kellogg’s giving the deep six to Tony the Tiger!!!!!

Apparently MetLife is planning to sell, spin-off or divest to investors in a public offering. In layman’s terms, for those of us who only understand simple speak, they wanna get into other things besides insurance and perhaps the dog, (Snoopy) might be too closely identified with insurance, so, give him, (Snoopy) the hook.

......and it was the perfect time to call Nunzio and have him put out a contract on MetLife executives

……and it was the perfect time to call Nunzio and have him put out a contract on MetLife executives

No decision has been made, yet, as to whether to send Snoopy off to the pound. But, hearing this news did not get my day off to a good start. Besides that meowing.

So I went on to read other parts of the paper, like the earth shattering news story that marijuana shops in San Francisco are gearing up for the Super Bowl.  Actually the headline in my paper read: “Weed Shops Prep for The Super Bowl.”

Oh joy. The big news story today is weed merchants gearing up for huge sales at the Super Bowl.

I got as far as the first paragraph which read: “Daren Grant, 31, a waiter, considered what to do with his weed during today’s football championship.” (my guess would be to smoke it) “Maybe every time a team scored, he said, he could take a bong hit.”

Considering he purchased two grams of “Carolina Cam Crash” and “Bronco Mile High” weed.

I didn’t read anymore of that article cause I knew where it was going. Straight down the ol tube. Like I could give a rats ass about Daren getting pot at the Super Bowl today. REALLY!

I’ll wait till tomorrow’s paper and read about Daren being found stoned outta his gourd in the stands the next morning being eaten alive by squirrels searching for food. Remember….he said…..he could take a bong hit every time a team scored. How stoned do ya think HE’S gonna be folks.weed5

Moving on to other things I find hard to comprehend today.

The earth shattering news that the coffee pod trend is coming to an end. To which I said to myself, “No s**t Dick Tracy. (Dick Tracy being a famous detective who didn’t need a clue to figure anything out….including this story)

It seems the coffee pod fad is fading drop by drop. Mainly due to the fact that the original coffee pod makers, Keurig, basically f**ked themselves. Or, to put it another way, they got greedy.

When the patent for their coffee pod thingy expired, it allowed copycats (meow) to get in on the business, so Keurig came up with an idea to stick it to those copycats and introduced a pricey new machine that only worked with THEIR coffee pods.pods1greedy

In doing so, with this brilliant idea, the move screwed them royally because sales dropped by 22 percent. Not to mention all the angry letters to the company as well as really pissed off people who left all kinds of nasty reviews on Amazon. Kinda like the same kinds of letters I write to Krispy Kreme for being assh*les for giving me a hard time about one freakin’ donut I want.

Anyhow, I found it hard to comprehend this story as well. Like why TF would “I” want a coffee pod machine anyhow. Yes, I know it’s convenient and ya don’t waste coffee by making a pot if ya want just one cup.

But this is the part I don’t comprehend. I presently make a “pot” of coffee every morning. I put the SAME amount of coffee into the coffee filter as I do EVERY morning and, depending on how many cups I want, the same amount of water.

So, like, um, what am I wasting by not using the pod? Water? AND….considering I can get two or three cups outta MY drip maker, at NO “additional cost,” as in, “WHAT…I want a second cup of coffee and you’re gonna charge me WHAT for another Keurig pod!!!!!” Me thinkith I have a better deal.

mmmm

Where dead coffee pods go

Comprehending yet another story, (I’m pretty stressed right now) the article about some guy who gives us a first had view of what it’s like to be in the driver’s seat of a Telsa on autopilot.

One word could have summed up this story. PANIC!!!!driverlesscliff1

Yes, I’m from the old school. There ain’t no way Jose, (no offense to anyone named Jose, unless you’re sleeping while your car is driving you) I’m not EVER letting ANY car drive my butt. I wanna be in control at all times.

Not to mention, but I will, other problems that may occur……………driverless2dog

Now I completely understand the concept of hands free driving, BUT, if some idiot is comin’ at me 75m mph will my smart car have enough brains to also freak out, as I would be doing, and get outta the way in time?

Soreeeee, not willing to take that chance.

mmmmmm

The only plus feature as I see it

Finally, the one story that further strengthens my theory that there are a lot of stupid people roaming the face of the Earth and should be put down, or severely tranquilized immediately for the sake of all mankind.

Like the person who felt he actually needed to write to Marilyn vos Savant, (Ask Marilyn) in “Parade Magazine” and ask the burning question, “Why are manhole covers round versus any other geometrical shape?”

mm

Is there such a thing as a stupid manhole cover question?

Like only yesterday I said that very same thing to my other half.

mmmm

Guess that answers it

NOW do ya understand why I found articles in my paper this morning hard to comprehend.

Along with trying to comprehend why TF I waste my time even reading the newspaper for that matter.

Just sayin.’

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Rabbits Are Getting Stoned? Who TF Researched THIS Problem? AND…….

pot11

AND…..who paid for this research….AND WTF…..WHY!!!!!!

 

Photo Illustration by The Daily Beast (who were probably stoned along with these rabbits)

Ok…..poor Abby Haglage, probably started out in life going to school and I would assume college in the hope of someday being a Pulitzer Prize winning reporter.

So what does she get to write about? Yep…..rabbits getting stoned on marijuana.

Ah feel yer pain Abby. Eight years of writing these blogs and I still do not have a Pulitzer Prize.

Then again, writing these inane blogs might be the reason. AND….come to think of it, I HAVE written about rabbits, squirrels, groundhogs, pigs, sheep, horses, cats,dogs and even an array of various rodents.

Oh yeah, even a “Booby Bird.” (sigh)booby bird bra

DEA, (Drug Enforcement Administration) agent Matt Fairbanks explains his mission to investigate bunnies getting high on pot, “I come to represent the actual science.”

Science? Of what? Rabbits getting high on marijuana? What about other animals zoning out on drugs…………….pot10

Apparently, according to the article in “The Daily Beast” Mr. Fairbanks explained that “legalizing marijuana in the state of Utah could have a powerful effect on the state’s ecosystems. Which is, dazed and confused rabbits.”

And we all know, next to ISIS, this would be the most scariest of threats of all. Yep, dazed and confused rabbits. Like we could all be attacked by dazed and confused rabbits wielding sharp carrots.

Example of the effects marijuana has on rabbits

Example of the effects marijuana has on rabbits

However, I might add that, “Freedom of Information Act,'”(FOIA) expert Muck Rock sent a letter to that agency asking for details on this claim. It turns out there is no information on this claim that rabbits in Utah are getting high on weed.

Sooooooo, Agent Fairbanks then said, ‘Well, that was merely an observation.”

Which I guess means he’s spent waaaay too much time in the forest observing rabbits, or was high himself when observing those rabbits, and, because rabbits tend to be off the wall anyhow, just assumed that they were stoned. My guess anyhow.

Unless as I just said, HE was the one that was stoned and that clouded up his thinking. I base my theory on the fact that the article states, “his theory stems from his time up on the mountains in Utah protecting the environment as a member of the DEA’s Cannabis Eradication Team.”

mmmmm

After retiring from the DEA agent Fairbanks finally meets an untimely death

And we all know what spending way too much time up in the mountains can do to ya.

“Soooo agent Fairbanks, how do we know which one of these plants is marijuana and which is not?”

“Well agent Furbus, simple. First we test one of these plants on a rabbit and see if the little sucker has a sudden craving for an over abundance of carrots and then proceeds to jump as many female rabbits as possible, because, as we all know,a after smoking a lot of weed, ya just wanna eat a bunch of munchies and then mind-blowing sex.”

“Um, but agent Fairbanks, rabbits normally have mind-blowing sex on a regular basis anyhow. Why do ya think there are so many rabbits around.”

“Well, you have a point there agent Furbus. However, if they’re having sex AND eating a overbundance of carrots at the same time, THEN we prove our point.”

“Um, which is?”

“Simple. Rabbits are getting high on weed, screwing their brains out, and depleting the supply of carrots which will make carrot prices skyrocket and piss off consumers. It’s our job to prevent that.”

'it's nice but I prefer Monet's garden at Giverny.'

Ok, so we’ve cleared that up. Now, you’re asking yourselves, “Hey, how much is it costing to watch these rabbits get high, eat carrots, and have mind-blowing sex?”

I’ll tell ya. How about to the tune of $18 million dollars along with the 120 agencies it takes to destroy marijuana grow sites.

So how does agent Fairbanks justify this rabbit addiction problem and the need to spend $18m million dollars to prevent Peter Cottontail from getting high?

His quote: “”Rabbits have cultivated a taste for marijuana which he suggested was a detriment of their brains. One of them refused to leave us and we took all of the marijuana around him. His natural instincts to run were somehow gone.”

Ohhhhhhhh. That explains everything.

Yep, if ya give me weed and let me smoke my brains out, I wouldn’t want to run either. Nope. Just lay back, enjoy the high, maybe a little mind-blowing sex, some really good junk food, and then zone out. WTF run? Why?

Waaaaay to much weed.....but, sometimes it does help

Waaaaay to much weed…..but, sometimes it does help

Doesn’t take $18 million dollars to figure that one out.

The DEA, drug hating gung-ho marijuana plant killers that they are, hate the fact that marijuana has been proven to help people with certain medical conditions.

In fact, to prove my point, lest you thinkith I’m making this stuff up, DEA chief Chuck Rosenberg said, “What really bothers me is the notion that marijuana is also medicinal because it’s not. We can have an intellectually honest debate, (excluding rabbits)  about whether we should legalize something that is bad, but don’t call it medicine……that is a joke.”

Countering that remark, Rep. Earl Blumenauer called Rosenberg an, “inept, misinformed zealot.”

To which the rabbit coalition, based in Washington, gave him a big high-five.

mmmm

Office of the Washington base Rabbit Coalition

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, (Congress) a bill filed by a number of the House of Representatives is asking Congress to strip the Cannabis Eradication Team of its funding, calling the program a waste of resources.

And all of you thought Congress never acts on anything important.

Sooooo, in conclusion, rabbits can happily hop down the bunny trail, hippity hoppity, come Easter, distributing their colorful Easter eggs much to the glee of children everywhere.

AND…….perhaps, make a few bucks on the side, selling their stashes of marijuana, collected in the hills of Utah, to the adults who could give a rats ass about colorful Easter eggs.

HEY! How the hell do ya think rabbits pay for all of those coloring kits to paint those eggs at Easter time pal.

mmmmm

OK…OK….so they pay chickens for those eggs

Just sayin.’

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Bob Elliott (“Bob & Ray”) 1923 – 2016

(L) Bob Elliott, (R) Ray Goulding

(L) Bob Elliott, (R) Ray Goulding

If you are and old one foot on a banana peel and the other foot in a grave, or damn close, you remember the comedy team of Bob and Ray. (Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding)bob3

Sadly, Bob Elliott passed away Tuesday at the age of 92 at his home in Maine.

Yes, (minus the banana peel and grave) “I” fondly remember Bob and Ray from my radio days, specifically for one particular routine that, to me, will always remain a timeless piece of comedic genius, and a classic.

It is called, “Charles The Poet,” and in memory of Ray Elliott I’d like to play it one last time.

Enjoy.

 

bob2MisfitWisdom 2016 RLV

 

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So Like, Exactly How Trustworthy Is This Damn Groundhog?

gh 6

Soooo, we all survived the IOWA clusterf**k, thanks to the mainstream media and their 24/7/365 coverage of who gives a rats ass about what happens in Iowa, and now we can center our attention on the really big news.

Punxsutawney Phillip, (commonly known for short as Phil) did not see his shadow today, which basically means, if you tend to believe what a damn rodent sez, that we will not have a long Winter and we can all give a sigh of relief.

Phil goes nuts after not seeing his shadow later on in the afternoon

Phil goes nuts after not seeing his shadow later on in the afternoon

Put the snow shovels away, the snow blowers, rock salt, snow tires, boots, gloves, electric blankets and fur line jock straps, (I tend to go full hog in the Winter) and wait for the first sign of Spring to emerge.

In my case it’s squirrels no longer knocking on my front door demanding bread crumbs and some of my Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes. A sure sign that Spring is upon us.

That and the fact that some of those acorns that fell from my tree are sprouting up on my front lawn.

Now I’m assuming that this groundhog knows his stuff. Otherwise why would officials in Pennsylvania spend time out in the cold with an animal that could care less about the weather and the publicity.

mmmmm

Phil goes techie

Frankly, I suspect the only reason those officials bother to make such a big deal outta this groundhog’s appearance is the same reason Iowa wants to be the first  primary in the 2016 elections…or as they laughingly refer to it as, a caucus.  The publicity.

Otherwise, outside of the other 49 states, who the hell cares what happens in Iowa or Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Yes folks, their 15 minutes of fame.

Oh, one more thing, while I’m at it, shouldn’t “Punxsutawney” be spelled, “Puxatawney?” Shows you WTF THOSE people out there know about spelling.

Now I’m not 100% sure I’m gonna go with what that furry creature predicted when it comes to an early spring. Like seeing his shadow means squat. Nope, I’m still gonna go with my squirrel theory.

AND….I see Phil eventually losing all of his credibility and………

Yum......

Yum……

Might even have my own annual prediction based on MY squirrel. (considering I named my squirrel “Rusty”) “Connectawney Rusty.”

Here’s how it works. And this is based on my own scientific study over a period of the past four years.

When the acorn crop is really great, like this year when I traipsed out to my rural mailbox and kept getting smacked in the head with an acorn as they dropped from the big tree in my front yard, THEN I knew we were gonna have an early Spring.

Why you ask? Well I’ll tell ya.

Gazillions if not trigazillions, (my word) of acorns littered my yard. So much so that it sounded like I was walking on cracked egg shells every time I went into the yard. What the hell is with THAT!!!!

mmmm

OK…that explains it

Soooooo, what does this mean? Again, I’ll tell ya.

It means pal, that Rusty and Mrs. Rusty squirrel were not collecting acorns, which means that they knew they didn’t have to collect acorns because not only were acorns in abundance but it was gonna be a short Winter, so they said, “f**k it,” why waste our time collecting acorns, stuffing them in our tree condo and have no room left to sit back and relax, when all we have to do is go out to eat. Plenty of acorns on the ground to simply dine out. How simple is THAT!

Sooooo many nuts, sooooo little time

Sooooo many nuts, sooooo little time

So, to me that is an indication that Spring is just around the corner. So screw you Punxsutawney Phil and your, “Oh look, I saw my shadow” scam.

My squirrel theory is scientific and based on fact folks. Six trillion squirrels can’t be wrong. In deference to one stupid ground-hog who comes out on one day and sees his stinkin’ shadow. Yeah right.

So, in conclusion, if ya wanna know if we’re going to have a long Winter or an early Spring, go with my squirrel theory. Works for me.

And if ya don’t believe me or Rusty……………..

NUTS to you…..or acorns.

mmmmm

Yeah….nuts to you……cept for this one

Just sayin.’

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Tomorrow…Morning – Noon – Night – and Beyond………Wait For it…..Wait For It…….

IOWA EJACULATION

YES…….”The Iowa Ejaculation”

Iowa FINALLY has a climax. AND……to make this a long and lasting experience, CNN will spend the entire day, morning, noon, night and beyond covering this “50 Shades of Iowa” event. Oh Joy.

And….to set the tone for all this “ejaculation” climaxing….Mr. Clarence Carter…..

For the past few months, (seems like it’s been a decade) we’ve been subjected to constant news coverage about WTF is gonna happen in Iowa if and when Iowa ever decides to have their caucus, and if Iowa ever makes up their minds about who will be their choice for a presidential candidate if Iowa can stop changing its mind every other week.

Remember the last love fest in Iowa

Remember the last love fest in Iowa

Now we all know that as Iowa votes, so does the rest of the Untied States. Which is why CNN figures they’d better cover the Iowa caucus for 24 hours.

AND…at some point within that 24 hour news coverage, SHAZAM! CNN will roll out all the analysts and proclaim to us, from atop some mount I assume, who the winners are on both sides of the political aisle.

Once they have analyzed the results, and proclaim that all of the other candidates are dog meat and should drop outta the race and avoid running in future primaries, CNN will then head to New Hampshire and shove that coverage down our throats as well.

And, IOWA, once the media has finished covering their “ejaculation” they will then pull up stakes, or in Iowa’s case, corn, and head elsewhere leaving poor Iowa jilted and screaming, “You jilted and used me you bastards. Sure, ya had your way with me for all these months, and now, now, now that you had your way with me….it’s off to another lover, New Hampshire.”

MMM

Hey….quickie anybody….anyone….I’m easy…..anyone?

So folks, it was nice while it lasted. All that loving going on day after day, night after night. Wolf Blitzer, Jake Tapper, and who the f**k ever shoving Iowa down our pants……..and throats. (does sound kinda x-rated when ya think about it doesn’t it)

You heard it here first folks.....

You heard it here first folks…..

Soooo Iowa…….after tomorrow, (sniff) back to oblivion.

Because after tomorrow’s caucus, it’s back to being Iowa again.

Yep……abstinence for four long years until your next ejaculation………

or the presses.

Or both.

Thank Gawd.

Now, try this……The song below is called “Imagination” by the Quotations. Sing along with the song, but, instead of saying the word “imagination” in the song substitute the word “ejaculation.” See how nicely it fits the occasion.

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Up And Running……….Wait For it…….Later On Today……….

Yes, there IS life after death…..when it comes to reviving a dead computer.

lifeafter

 

Sooooo,  jusssssst in time for…..well…um…..tune in later today and find out.

 

Thanks

MisfitWisdom

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It’s (sniff) Soooooo Sad When Your (sniff) Computer…..Dies. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

computer9***************UPDATE***************

We are…..”I” am…er….the “computer” is up and running thanks to some creative surgery (sledgehammer and my friend Bobby’s geekness tactics……duct tape and glue) and so far I’ve had no problems other than seeing an image of Donald Trump’s face on my start up page. (since has been deleted)

So, hopefully things will be back to normal and as soon as my mind gets back to its demented stage I will resume writing nonsense until the next crisis.

Thanks for your patience.

(the management….me)

 

Yes folks, I knew (sob) the day was coming. All the signs were there for the past few months.

Freezing, long times to log on, having to re-start every few days, and the worst, it was running a high temperature. Didn’t look too well either….kind of pale looking.

I expected it. So it came as no surprise. Even notified its relatives, (Dell, HP, Acer, IBM) the time was near.computer6

Then it happened this morning. It went into a deep coma. Of course I took immediate CPR action. Re-booted it feverishly. Gave it a shot of diagnostics. Then called the medics who also performed strenuous (phone medics) CPR on the PC. (sob) To no avail. It remained in a coma.computer7

I think it’s actually brain-dead as I see no signs of life other than a blank screen.computer3

Oh yeah, and all kinds of doom and gloom computer notices when I attempted to fix it by using the tools menus. Stuff like, “Boy are you f**ked pal.” And, “Sorry bunky, looks like ya may have to fork over some biggggg bucks to have this piece of garbage repaired or buy a new one.”

Sooooo. I kept trying, never one to give up, and fix it myself.computrr8I also figured jusssst in case that plan worked, I might be able to help other computer owners as well that may be experiencing problems…..computer4I also let my other half have a go at it, but, you know how impatient and hot-tempered women can be if things don’t work immediately……..computer11

So, (sigh) goodbye ol friend. Goodbye files, cartoons, old blogs, photos, naked pics of Betty White and Bettie Page (sniff)

If you have no idea who Bettie Page is you don’t have a computer as old as mine…..how old………computer1

Now, (sob) all I have left is its love child. This laptop which I only use to browse the Internet. And it’s even acting up as it’s operating on WiFi and most likely senses its  mother has passed on. (I’m not going to break the news to it yet)

So, with regard to replacing the brain-dead PC……..can’t.

Waaaaay too expensive on my budget to go that route. Simply can’t spare the funds to buy another PC.

And I DID try tech support a second time, but……

Gobblydegook

Gobbledygook

So, all that said, which I just did, it may be far and in between blog posts what with all  of  my files and photos gone and the fact, at least to me, its way harder for me personally to write on a laptop.

Also, the fact that the main PC being down is affecting this laptop. It continues to freeze up.

Which leads me to use a lot of !@#$@!#!!!!! words.

Soooooooo, again, alllllllll that said, once again, which I just did, again, should I be missing from the blogosphere for a bit, you will understand why.

In the meantime, unless I hit the lottery and can afford to buy a new PC, please enjoy past posts as well as all the other great bloggers here on WordPress.

See ya down the road….at some point.

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