Proof…..People Who Make Laws Are A Bunch of Idiots

law1

**********NOTE: This is a rather long blog, might wanna take a dose of no-doze before reading this one****************************Soreeeeeeeeee,sorry1

Have you ever wondered who TF these idiots are that make up laws here in the United States? Me too.

But, that said, which I just did, I have no freakin’ idea who these insane legislators are, but if you doubt that most of them ARE nut cases, take a look at some of the laws on the books that actually exist.

This, thanks to  “Thrillist” and”Yahoo Travel’s” Kristen Hunt, who obviously has a lot of time on her hands. Then again, I’m commenting on this, so I guess that makes me just as bad.

Soooo, I’ve chosen some of the weirdest laws from Kristen’s article which was entitled, “The Weirdest Law In Every State.”

(my comments are in parenthesis ( )….those thingys)

 

Alabama

The state constitution makes it illegal for any “idiots” or insane people to vote.

(My question. How do ya tell who’s an idiot and who’s not? WAIT! Considering I personally think lawmakers are idiots, that kinda narrows it down. Ya think.)

mmmmm

Well….this DOES narrow it down a bit more

Alaska

Clearly Alaska used to throw some wild parties in the woods, because the state now has a law on the books that bars you from giving a moose a beer.

(Only because if ya give a moose a beer they cannot defend themselves from attacks by Sarah Palin. Which is where the saying comes from, “The right to arm bears.” Or moose.)

RUN BULLWINKLE....RUN!!!!

RUN BULLWINKLE….RUN!!!!

Arizona

Even though they’d love it, you can’t feed pigs garbage unless you have a special permit in AZ.

(We’re talkin’ about the four-legged ones and not the ones you find trolling at night in seedy parts of town. Sometimes ya have to make these things perfectly clear. Again, the idiot factor)

Now you know why I have to make things perfectly clear in this blog

Now you know why I have to make things perfectly clear in this blog

Arkansas

Mispronouncing the state name is strictly forbidden.

(Like when you see a stupid news item about WTF legislators do in that state you refer to them as Asskansaus)

OK...this explains everything

OK…this explains everything

California

Looking to put on a “frog-jumping contest”? Of course you are. But if any of the frogs die, you cannot eat them.

(Yes, you can only eat them after the contest is over and if they are still alive. Easy to eat as most frogs when eaten alive will opt to walk down your throat. Which obviously is much more humane than eating a dead frog)

Hey, at least their alive

Hey, at least their alive

Colorado

Since a horse is technically a vehicle, you’re not allowed to enjoy a Dale’s Pale Ale on horseback.

(might wanna check if Bud Lite is legal. Or, perhaps drinking on an unregistered horse. Or, if ya get caught, say it was the horse’s drink)

OMG I'm never drinking again....ever

OMG I’m never drinking again….ever!

Connecticut

For a pickle to legally be called a pickle, it must bounce.

(Looking up the idiot legislator that thought of this law and sending him a bouncing ball to play with instead of a pickle….that is if he can tell the difference)

Tomorrow a ball.....

Tomorrow a ball…..

Delaware

If next week’s game of truth or dare in Johnny’s parents’ basement gets too real, don’t worry: getting married because of “jest or dare” is grounds for annulment.

(Hmmmm. So, my thinking is this. If ya wanna have sex with some hot babe, but she won’t give in, jest or dare her to marry you. Problem solved)

mmmmm

Why snakes make bad jesters. Pick bad marriage partners. And then have to get an annulment.

Florida

All establishments with a liquor license are prohibited from holding any contest, promotion, or activity that endangers a person with dwarfism. And that definitely includes throwing.

(Damn! And I was all set to enter that dwarf throwing contest in Florida)

mmm

Yep….I missed out on the last one

Georgia

Using profane language to a person under 14 in person or by telephone is considered disorderly conduct in Georgia.

(However, there is no mention of texting or e-mail. This state legislator better get moving and revise the law the stupid %$#!$#%@!. Oops)

I didn't realize you had such a long cord honeeee

I didn’t realize you had such a long cord honeeee

Hawaii

As of 2013, car passengers who don’t wear seat belts are subject to $100 fines. If all the seats are full, though, don’t worry: it’s totally legal for anyone over 12 years old to hang out in the bed of the truck. In the open. With zero protection.

(“Well officer, all the seat belts were taken and ah was in the bed of the pickup when my brother who was driving hit that there tree over yonder and ah went flyin but ahm perfectly fine, cept for this tree branch stickin’ outta my head”)

mmmmm

Thanks dear……that’s comforting.

Idaho

Under a chapter titled “Mayhem,” Idaho lays out why eating other people is not cool, guys. Cannibalism will get you up to 14 years in prison… except in extreme cases where you had to eat your friend to survive. And if that’s the case, you’ve already been punished enough.

(Which explains why, when travelling through Idaho, I never bring my friends along)law14

Illinois

Taking a snooze in a cheese factory, bake shop, confectionery, or creamery is illegal under Illinois’ Sanitary Food Preparation Act.

(Most likely due to the fact that if you were to fall asleep and fall into a vat of, say, chocolate, and yelled for help screaming “CHOCOLATE” who the hell would come)law16

Indiana

You may not catch fish with your bare hands anywhere in Indiana.

(This makes sense to me because it’s more humane to fish with a fish hook rather than your bare hands. Very unsanitary unless you use hand sanitizer first)law17

Iowa

Boxes used to package hops are supposed to be exactly 36 inches long, so if you’re planning to pack that stuff in a 37 inches box, get the hell out of Iowa.

(I agree with Kristen. If ya can’t get hops into a 36 inch box, you’ve obviously gathered way too many hops. So, hop to it and perhaps eat a few until the rest fit into that box. My thinking anyhow)

mmmm

Kansas

Owning any “gambling device” is a Kansas crime of public morals, unless it’s an antique slot machine-made prior to 1950.

(Which, I’m assuming can be found at the site of Custer’s Last Stand as those Indians passed the time playing slot machines awaiting the arrival of the General)law20

Kentucky

Dye a baby chick, duckling, or rabbit any hue of the rainbow in Kentucky and you’ll be charged a $100-$500 fine. You’re also not allowed to sell them.

(This is because in Kentucky most of the people are color blind)

mmmmm

Including their pets

Louisiana

“Insulting or abusive remarks” are forbidden at any boxing match.

(So when that 300 pound guy Bruno smack ya in the face and it hurts like hell, all you’re allowed to say is stuff like, “Oh gollee…that sure smarts.” Or, “Gee whiz Bruno, ouch”)

FINALLY! I get to post this cartoon.....

FINALLY! I get to post this cartoon…..

Maine

Provided you obtain a license, you’re free to host a raffle for your non-profit in Maine. But the prize cannot be alcohol or a live animal.

(Damn! And here I was gonna raffle off my vintage bottle of Jack Daniels with my intoxicated cat to prove it was still potent stuff)

Bummer..........

Bummer……….

Maryland

Though the Old Line State is presumably a fan of safe sex, it has a provision barring anyone from selling non-latex condoms in vending machines.

(Sooooo. Those of you that are into those new polyurethane condoms have to simply buy those latex ones, wash them out, and buy a can of clear polyurethane, spread if all over the condom, and you’re in business. Oh…um….make sure it dries first)

mmmmm

Actual safe sex

Massachusetts

Although they would make the Golf Channel 100 times more exciting, exploding golf balls are not allowed in MA. First-time violators get a fine of up to $500.

(Thanks Kristen……I don’t think I need to say more about that one)law24

Michigan

Michigan bars you from being inebriated on a train in Act 68 of 1913.

(Otherwise, if you’re caught, they “rail” you outta town…..soreeeee…..couldn’t resist that one)

'Man, I hate walking down so many stairs!'

‘Man, I hate walking down so many stairs!’

Minnesota

In a flagrant show of disrespect for old-timey farmers everywhere, Minnesota made greased pig contests and turkey scrambles unlawful.

(Again, this refers to the four-legged kinds of pigs. If you’re into greased pigs of the human kind, I suppose, if that’s your thing, go for it. I don’t think it’s illegal if you have a turkey in the room watching you as long as you don’t grease it)

mmmm

However, there are no laws against greasing monkeys in Minnesota

Mississippi

Have one illegitimate child? Not a problem. But you’ll be facing misdemeanor charges as soon as that second kid pops out.

(Where corks come in handy)

Cue the Supremes again......

Cue the Diana Ross and the Supremes again……

Missouri

Sheriffs can be imprisoned in their own county jail (presumably when they go rogue) and if that happens, MO law stipulates that the coroner is in charge of the jail.

(Seems like a stupid law and a dead issue to me)

Coroner humor.....

Coroner humor…..

Montana

Just two years ago, MT passed a law which allows you to salvage roadkill for meat.

(WHAT! Ya mean everybody doesn’t do that already? Why the hell do ya think so many people build fire pits)law30

Nebraska

Marriage law in the Cornhusker State includes some normal provisions, like a minimum age of 17, and some less-normal ones, like a statute preventing any person with a venereal disease from marrying.

(Statues get venereal diseases? Go figure. The things ya learn on the Internet)

Well....I guess it is possible

Well….I guess it is possible

Nevada

Throwing things from a chairlift is illegal in Nevada.

(like maybe your mother-in-law or ex-wife. They may be thinking of revising that law considering what lawmaker in their right mind would convict ANY guy from throwing his ex-wife or mother-in-law off of a chairlift)

'Yoooo-hooo! Has anyone seen a ski pole that I dropped when I was on the chairlift?'

New Hampshire

You’ve got to be strategic about your seaweed harvesting in NH. Carrying the stuff “from seashore below high-water mark” after the sun has set is a violation of the state’s fish and game provisions.

(Now this one is way too complicated for me. Ya gotta measure the high water mark and wait for the damn sun to set? My thinking…..screw harvesting seaweed……just go to the store and buy some kale.)

When seaweed becomes an addiction

When seaweed becomes an addiction

New Jersey

Wearing a bulletproof vest while committing or attempting to commit murder is an offense, because New Jersey cares more about making this a fair fight than the actual, you know, murder.

(Again, Kristen has a valid point there. Fair is fair)

MMM

If you answer yes, better get yourself a vest pal

New Mexico

If you’re performing the national anthem (or “Oh Fair New Mexico”) anywhere in this state, you’d better sing the whole thing. Half-assing the anthem is literally against the law. It must be sung or played as an entire composition – even if that means a two-minute-long riff on “land of the free.”

(NOTE to self: Never visit New Mexico especially if there’s a baseball game going on and they ask you to sing any of those songs and you don’t know the entire lyrics)

mmmm

What happened to the last guy in New Mexico

New York

In New York, if a person “being masked or in any manner disguised by unusual or unnatural attire or facial alteration, loiters, remains or congregates in a public place with other persons so masked or disguised” then that person is an illegal loiterer.

(Second note: Never attend those New Years Eve celebrations in New York. OR, go into one of those porno shows wearing a disguise or a heavy overcoat wearing sunglasses)

WHAT! A cat can't watch porno movies?

WHAT! A cat can’t watch porno movies?

North Carolina

In what is just another example of the Man keeping you down, stealing used kitchen grease is a crime in NC.

(Now who in their right mind would steal kitchen grease?

WAIT!!!!! Refer to this……………

North Dakota

You may not knowingly clone (or attempt to clone) another human in the Roughrider State.

(Hmmmm. Was there waaaay too much cloning already going on in North Dakota?)

mmm

Why lawns in North Dakota are always neat and trimmed

Ohio

Giving fish alcohol is prohibited here.

(Ok….like when was the last time you ever saw a drunken fish, or, sat next to a fish in a bar, or, tried to take advantage of a drunken fish that you picked up in a bar, or, smelled alcohol on a fish)

mmmm

Oklahoma

Bear wrestling and “horse tripping” events are strictly verboten in OK.

(Yep, like “I’M” gonna wrestle a freakin’ bear. Whaddya think I’m nuts. I wouldn’t even wrestle a bear in my own state for cripes sake. Now horse tripping, well, maybe…..just for laughs)

Why you should never attempt bear tripping

Why you should never attempt bear wrestling

Oregon

Carrying a person under the age of 18 on any external part of the car is unlawful.

(Which is why most cars come with trunks. Ask any member of the Mafia is it works for them)law42

Pennsylvania

Under PA’s incredibly detailed fortune-telling legislation, administering love potions or telling someone where to dig for treasure is a third-degree misdemeanor.

(OK….I dig that. Which also give me yet another excuse to insert a relevant song….)

Rhode Island

If you intentionally bite off your friend’s arm, you will go to jail.

(This happens a lot in R.I. because the state is sooooo small people continually bump into each other while eating and it’s possible to actually bite another persons arm off while eating a sub sandwich)law43

South Carolina

Anyone under the age of 18 is forbidden from using a pinball machine.

(Because, as we all know, playing pinball machines at a young age will lead you to ball obsession and the next thing ya know you’re addicted to bowling…..or just balls)

Waaaaaaaaaaa, I want my momeeeeee....(sob)

Waaaaaaaaaaa, I want my momeeeeee….(sob)

South Dakota

Fireworks are entirely illegal in many part of America, but not in South Dakota. In fact, farmers are legally allowed to use them to scare birds away from their sunflowers.

(Yes….sunflowers….America’s most import crop to protect from birds)

mm

Unable to afford fireworks, the late Elmer Fernstordf came up with a short-lived but novel idea

Tennessee

These guys are so intent on respecting the dead, they made any “game or amusement” in cemeteries illegal, so stop trying to bring family game night to “grandpa’s resting place,” mom.

(Right Kristen……..I agree…….besides….ever try to play baseball in a cemetery with all them damn headstones in the way)

Damn grave traps.....

Damn grave traps…..

Texas

If you’re standing up, you’re only legally allowed to take three sips of beer.

(Which basically mean if ya wanna get soused and not worry about that law, drink lying down. Besides, if you do get blotto, you won’t have far to fall)

My point exactly

My point exactly

Utah

Utah’s liquor laws are notoriously insane, but by far the weirdest one concerns Zion curtains. The partitions run along restaurant bars, and bartenders are required to make drinks behind them so kids can’t see the booze. There have been many attempts to get rid of the Zion curtains, but for now, it looks like they’re staying up.

(However, because kids could still smell the booze behind those curtains, most of them who were subjected to those curtains who are now adults have severe flashbacks when their spouses hang curtains and immediately down a six-pack of Budweiser to ease the pain)

OMG guys!!!! He's stoned out on Jack Daniels!!!!

OMG guys!!!! He’s stoned out on Jack Daniels!!!!

Vermont

“Shooting birds for amusement” is illegal in Vermont.

(Vermont did not have cable TV service so this was their entertainment for many years. Now that they have cable, some Vermonters were still hooked on bird shooting which is why that law was passed. Because cable TV programs suck in Vermont)law49

Virginia

We’re not sure which sarcastic jerk deemed Virginia “for lovers,” because having any kind of sex if you’re not married is a Class 4 misdemeanor. If convicted, you’d have to pay a fine of up to $250. Which is weird, because last we checked paying for sex was also against the law.

(Damn Kristen. If you’re not married they fine ya and if you buy sex they fine ya. WTF! Move the hell across the state line to West Virgina, have sex on the border while flashing that $250 and taunt the hell outta them motherf**kers)

Ya want more than a hug ya damn perv

Ya want more than a hug ya damn perv we have to drive to West Virginia

Washington

These guys take their beer seriously. Destroying another person’s beer cask, barrel, keg, or bottle is strictly forbidden, as is filling those things without the owner’s written consent.

(Justifiable homicide if ya ask me)

https://youtu.be/aeD0S7Dkd0Qwillie nelson beer

West Virginia

Aaron Burr never could’ve landed a sweet alderman gig in the Mountain State – it’s illegal for anyone who’s engaged in a duel (or challenged someone to one, or acted as a second) to hold office.

(“Soooo what’s it gonna be punk? Shoot me or run for office”)law52

Wisconsin

They’re no Fife & Drum, but WI prisons do have some discerning culinary tastes. Under state law, no butter substitutes may be fed to students, patients, or inmates of any state institution unless a doctor prescribes it for their health. Suck on that, Smart Balance.

(Right on Kristen. Nothing but the best for our students and patients who are in any state institution. Oops…I forgot those inmates. Who also deserve the best. Damn…..I really gotta get locked up so I can enjoy real butter)

Um....maybeeeee not

Um….maybeeeee not

Wyoming

Taking or harming a fish with a gun is against the law in Wyoming.

(Unless the fish is also armed with a gun and challenges you to a duel. Which happens a lot if you live in West Virginia (see above)law53

So, need anymore proof legislators are complete idiots?

If so……..just watch the next round of political debates and ask yourselves….why Gawd….why?

Is the blog over? Thank Gawd……………………

Against writing very long blogs............

Against writing very long blogs…………

Donate to the MisfitWisdom book “Forgotten” to help with the cost of publishing and honoring two WWII pilots who gave their lives in service to their country in 1944 by donating at this PayPal link: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=QQST38XT3YK78

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NESN: Otherwise Known As “New England Stupid Network.”

Don Orsillo

Don Orsillo

NESN….Once again, “New England Stupid Network.”

NESN had decided to let announcer Don Orsillo go at the end of the season. This is an example of what happens when new management takes over at NESN and they think they need to make changes.

HEY NESN MANAGEMENT…..YOU’RE A BUNCH OF FREAKIN’ IDIOTS!!!!! As someone on Twitter so aptly put it…..”YOU SUCK.”

I’ll go a step further…………

Shove it NESN

Shove it NESN

I’ll echo what a lot of sport writers are saying today after the announcement that NESN will not renew Don Orsillo’s contract. “WHADDYA F**KING nuts!!!!!”

My sentiment, expressed rather graphically considering those sports writers have to use a bit of restraint, considering the politically correct crowd who scan each and every daily newspaper for something they can bitch about might go bonkers should any sports writer use an obscene word.

Hey politically correct idiots, this is a blog….so screw all of you idiots.

NESN management brainiacs are a bunch of a**holes. Specifically the new head of NESN who obviously has HIS head stuck up where the sun doesn’t shine. What a freakin’ idiot.head up butt

NESN management obviously has no clue as to why loyal RED SOX fans continue to watch the team even though they are in last place.

It’s NOT because we love to watch a bunch of bumbling fools attempt to play baseball. It’s NOT because we think they’re gonna all of a sudden make a miraculous comeback and take over first place in the standings.

And it’s NOT because everything else on cable TV sucks.

It’s because the duo of Jerry Remy and Don Orsillo are a show in itself. Get that NESN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don and Jerry

Don and Jerry

They entertain us with their banter back and forth during the game and prevent us from crying as we see our team lose yet another close game or get our assses kicked by the dreaded evil empire…the (gasp) Yankees.

Hey! Would ya break up this duo too?

Hey! Would ya break up this duo too?

Can any of you remember the famous pizza incident? When the guy in the stands gets pissed off and throws a pizza at another fan and Don and Jerry give us a play- by-play description of that encounter.

Or Don flailing like a pussy in an attempt to avoid a baseball that’s heading for the announcer’s booth.

Or, and I swear the entire camera crew does this, when the camera’s zoom in on some hot babe in the stands and Jerry sez, “Hey, how ya doin.'”

Or just the way Don and Jerry could actually be Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, Laurel and Hardy, Stiller and Meara, Rowan and Martin, etc, etc, etc. Can ya imagine braking those duos up? Can ya punk.

Punk being the NESN CEO.

Oh yeah…. Red Sox management are just as freakin’ brain dead. They own a sizable percentage of NESN and apparently are going along with this decision to dump Orsillo.

Ok….shall we give the bird (literally) to them as well…..

MMMM

Suck my beak Red Sox management

Now I’m NOT going to go on and on and on about NESN’s stupid decision to alienate every single viewer in New England. It’s useless trying to make a point with idiots. I know that from sending e-mails to NESN to which they never respond.

Why they have a place to contact them on their site is beyond me.

But, in conclusion, I’ve dealt with management people all my life while I was in broadcasting, and, as any radio or TV personality will attest to, THEY, (management) always know what’s good for business. Don’t they?

Which is one of the main reasons I bailed out of the business. Too many assholes…….and boy could I name a gazillion of them.

And this week top NESN management proves yet another point when they decided not to renew Don Orsillio’s contract.

That not only cockroaches will be on Earth till the end of time, but so will assholes.

Aren’t they the same?

mmmmm

NESN Management considers changing their names for a better public perception of them

I restith my case.

(NOTE) To sign a petition to urge NESN to keep Don Orsillo go to http://www.change.org

DONATE to help publish my new book “Forgotten” at PayPal: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=QQST38XT3YK78

(When my book is finally published, with your help, all book proceeds will go to a proposed memorial for the two World War II pilots who were killed in a crash over the skies of Preston, Ct. in 1944)

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I’m Stressed I Tell Ya!!!! Stressed!!! Oh WAIT! It’s Supposed To Be My Other Half That’s Stressed…..Soreeeeee.

Today’s burning (literally) subject: Kidney stones.

Um....nooooo thanks

Um….nooooo thanks

Actually, even though my other half is the one who should be stressed, and was, I was stressed as well. Call it “sympathy stress.”

You know what I mean, as in Bill Clinton’s famous line, “Ah feel your pain.”

Well, actually I didn’t feel her pain, but did feel her stress, which over flowed into my body which is why I got stressed.

Ya see, it was like this. A kidney stone, (not to be confused with a kidney bean) got lodged somewhere within her Aretha Franklin urinary track. I know, its uretha. I ain’t stoopid ya know.kidney7

Soooo. I haul her off to the Arctic, otherwise known as the emergency room, because I swear they keep the temperature in those rooms at 20 degrees below zero so that maybe you’ll freeze to death and they won’t have to deal with your sorry butt.

And then we sit there for hours and hours on end.

What a typical emergency room admissions room looks like

What a typical emergency room admissions area looks like

Now picture this, when ya walk (if possible) into an emergency room you think several people in white outfits immediately come rushing out with all sorts of unidentified contraptions ready to take care of you. Right!

Not so. First ya have to fill out a form at some window stating who the hell you are, (if you can function that is) and then leave it on the counter, along with the 500 other slips already there, and take a seat.

Sounds completely logical to me.

“Hey pal, whaddya cuttin’ the line for. Fill out a damn green slip like the rest of us.”

“But I have an arrow stuck in my head!”

“Oh waaa waaa waaa….think yer better than us for cripe sake. I got a freakin cold (achoo) do ya see me whining.”

Works for me.....

Works for me…..

So, before long they come rushing out and call her name for immediate attention.

NOT!

More like, “Oh, sorry you’re not feeling well Ms. Misfit, here take a seat while we get some information from you. It’ll only take 20 or 30 minutes. I see you’re writhing in pain, um, care to lie here on the floor while I ask you a few questions.”

Sooooooo. The they ask her on a scale of 1 to 10 how bad the pain is. I’m standing in back of the clerk pointing to “10” figuring they couldn’t grasp the fact that she was doubled over and turning green.

Then, after a half hour has passed, they take her to that Arctic room I told ya about and that’s where they, (grasp this concept) “immediately” stick her with IV’s, needles, request urine samples, (which are usually free) and then someone comes in and evaluates the problem, and then sez, “we’ll be right back.”

mmmm

The guy before us showing off HIS kidney stone

I may note here that the “we’ll be right back” is not equated into normal human being time. Rather it is equated into hospital time which usually is one minute equals one hour…give or take an hour or two.

Meanwhile, I’m freezing my butt off because it’s so cold in that room while she’s wrapped in a nice warm blanket, which doesn’t matter to her because she’s so sick she could give a rats ass about.

Now, once again, to equate hospital emergency room time into human time, we got there at 11:00 pm. She was admitted (meaning she was going to enjoy a stay at the hospital overnight) at 3am. It was determined that she had a rather large kidney stone and needed to have a stint placed somewhere….again….my guess……the Aretha Franklin area.

mmmm

Well, it was some comfort to her that she did not have a case of THESE stones.

Why so long a time between getting there and being admitted. Who TF knows. But I do recall the cops dragging in a guy with a possible gunshot wound who left long before us. Go figure.

Special dispensation for criminals I guess. I probably should have said I was Whitey Bulger and my other half was my moll.

So they wheel her away to her room and I head home figuring there was nothing else I could do at that point.

(part two)

OR....the Rolling Stones....which, considering her age, would seem more enjoyable

OR….the Rolling Stones….which, considering her age, would seem more enjoyable

The next day after determining that she indeed did have a kidney stone lodged within her Aretha, they stick in a stint, (not something you do, like a stint as an auto mechanic or something) and discharged her a few hours later.

Nooooooooo problem.

Until we get home and she’s nauseous and in severe pain, BUT, like the trooper she is, hangs in till 11pm that night when we trek back to the ER and go thru the same filling out green slips of paper and how is your pain on a scale of 1 to 10 process.

I decided to take her back after having visions of this happening…….kidney3

I did ask them if they had a scale of how stressed or irritated I was with their system but they just sneered at me, so I kinda slithered off to the back of the room lest they inject me with some drug to shut me the f**k up.

Back to the Arctic room again for 6 lonnnnnnnnng cold hours.

All so that they could once again stick her with needles and IV’s as  she’s barfing while attempting to explain to them that “I’M IN PAIN YOU FREAKIN’ IDIOTS….GIMMIE SOMETHING FOR THE PAIN! AND THE BARFING!!!!”

Which took them 6 hours to do. At which point “I” needed something for frost bite and stress. Although, being quite creative, and a writer, I DID have a great idea for a new movie…….kidney5

FINALLY……they gave her some new meds to replace the previous meds they had given to her to ease the pain and nausea which obviously did not work and we were on our way. Did I mention it was 6 hours later? Oh…yeah…..but it seemed like days.

AND….at least they didn’t do THIS procedure………kidney9

So, what have I learned from this experience visiting the emergency room.

First, wear a parka with a hood and some long johns. Secondly bring food to hold you while you’re there. Couple of ham or baloney sandwiches. Thirdly, wear dark glasses, realllly dark glasses and perhaps some ear plugs so that if you have a tendency to get a bit queasy in hospitals what with all that barfing, yelling, moaning and “OH MY GOD” screaming going on it won’t bother you.

And lastly, ketchup. Lots of ketchup.

No, not to put on your sandwiches.

But to smear all over your body before you even enter the emergency room so that they’ll think you were in a serious accident or shot several times and you can get around filling out that green slip or telling them how you feel on a scale from 1 to 10.

Betcha they take ya in reallll fast.

Just sayin.’

Just threw this in for the hell of it…………………….needed a shot of R & R…

Donate to the MisfitWisdom book “Forgotten” to help with the cost of publishing and honoring two WWII pilots who gave their lives in service to their country in 1944 by donating at this PayPal link: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=QQST38XT3YK78

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From Politics To Pubic Hair. Sorrreeee, My Mind Tends To Wander.

pubic 6

So, it was a very boring day for me.

Had an appointment with my butt doc to have my yearly prostate exam. Nice visit considering the bend over part was quick and painless. I often wonder how many butts a doc can see in one day before he gets totally freaked out. My thoughts as I was bending over.pubic9

Anyhow, the rest of my day was less exciting. Until…..until I came across an article on a site called “Alternet.”

Doesn’t take much for me to click on a story that catches my interest, Simply include the words, sex, boobs, pubic, or nude in the story line and SHAZAM! I’m hooked. As I would assume most of us male slugs would be.

Apparently there is a war going on, besides the war on women, against pubic hair. Which was news to me. Never once saw it on CBS News with Scott Pelley or in my local paper. WTF!pubic2

So, I decided to read about this war, because it was so interesting, and also because you might want to either support the war or not, or perhaps just be a pacificst and not participate in the war effort at all.

And, to set the tone for today’s blog……………………….

So, here we go. I’m printing the entire article, word for word, so don’t blame me if ya think it’s a bit off color or wierd. However, that said, you CAN blame me for my comments during this article that are in parenthies….these things ( ).

(The article word for word is in quotes, and again, my thought are in ( ).

The following post first appeared onKevinMD.

“I must have missed the declaration of war on pubic hair.”

(no George W. Bush and Dick Cheney had nothing to do with this war as no pubics of mass destruction were not found)pubic4

“It must have happened sometime in the last decade because the amount of time, energy, money and emotion both genders spend on abolishing every hair from their genitals is astronomical.  The genital hair removal industry, including medical professionals who advertise their specialty services to those seeking the “clean and bare” look, is exponentially growing.”

(might be time to buy stock in the hair removal industry)

“But why pick on the lowly pubic hair?  A few sociological theories suggest it has to do with cultural trends spawned by bikinis and thongs, certain hairless actors and actresses, a desire to return to childhood,  a misguided attempt at hygiene or being more attractive to a partner.  Surely human beings are not so naïve as to be susceptible to fashion trends and biases.”

(wanna bet)

“It is a sadly misconceived war.  Long ago surgeons figured out that shaving a body part prior to surgery actually increased rather than decreased surgical site infections.  No matter what expensive and complex weapons are used—razor blades, electric shavers, tweezers, waxing, depilatories,  electrolysis—hair, like crab grass,  always grows back and eventually wins.   In the mean time, the skin suffers the effects of the scorched battlefield.”

(Hmmmmm. I’ll never again look at crabgrass in my yard in the same way)

Or Christmas trees for that matter

Or Christmas trees for that matter

“Pubic hair removal naturally irritates and inflames the hair follicles left behind, leaving microscopic open wounds.  Rather than suffering a comparison to a bristle brush, frequent hair removal is necessary to stay smooth, causing regular irritation of the shaved or waxed area.  When that irritation is combined with the warm moist environment of the genitals, it becomes a happy culture media for some of the nastiest of bacterial pathogens, namely group A streptococcus, staphylococcus aureus and its recently mutated cousin methicillin resistant staph aureus (MRSA).   There is an increase in staph boils and abscesses, necessitating incisions to drain the infection, resulting in scarring that can be significant.   It is not at all unusual to find pustules and other hair follicle inflammation papules on shaved genitals.”

(um, scuse me a sec….think I’m feeling a bit nauseaous)

“Additionally, I’ve seen cellulitis (soft tissue bacterial infection without abscess) of the scrotum, labia and penis from spread of bacteria from shaving or from sexual contact with strep or staph bacteria from a partner’s skin.”

(Yep….I’m definately getting nauseous)

This may clear things up at bit

This may clear things up at bit

“Some clinicians are finding that freshly shaved pubic areas and genitals are also more vulnerable to herpes infections due to the microscopic wounds being exposed to virus carried by mouth or genitals.   It follows that there may be vulnerability to spread of other STIs as well.”

(is this the part where we men all say, “Hey, lets hear it for pubic hair!”)

“Pubic hair does have a purpose,  providing cushion against friction that can cause skin abrasion and injury,  protection from bacteria and other unwanted pathogens, and is the visible result of long awaited adolescent hormones, certainly nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.”

(my thinking exactly. If Gawd didn’t want us to have pubic hair he wouldn’t have put it there. Then again, he DID give humans hair on our heads, and then, for some of us (me and Telly Savalas) took it away. Guess HE figured some of us look better without hair. BUT…..do ya ever see that happen with pubic hair!)

“It is time to declare a truce in the war on pubic hair, and allow it to stay right where it belongs.  We owe it to our patients to encourage them to let it be.”

How it all began

How it all began

And with that final note………I’ll end this blog with……………https://youtu.be/XsQsOjaVUuA

Emily Gibson is a family physician who blogs at Barnstorming.

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BRAIN OVERLOAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

brain overload1

It’s finally happened. My brain is overloaded.

Its come to my attention that too much is coming to my attention. Most of it useless information. Most of it because I’m spending way too much time on the Internet and a considerable amount of time watching TV news.

Um….let me correct that last one.

Too much time watching what is disguised as TV news but really are  reality shows disguised as TV news.

For instance, I watched my local news last night at 11PM and the first few stories were, “FIRE! LOOTING! RAPE! PILLAGING! FLOODS! EXPLOSIONS! FAMINE! LOCUSTS! and then some soothing stories about things nobody gives a flying f**k about just to fill up their half hour with fillers and sneak in 15 more minutes of commercials.braijn3

So, I said to myself, “Self, WTF are ya watchin’ this crap for?”

To which my brain replied, “Cause ya can’t get porno channels on your TV you idiot.”

Which made absolute sense to me considering porno channels have no political stuff on them, cept for that one time I spotted a Romney tattoo on some chicks butt that said “Porno stars are people too.”  But, I let that slide because of the boob factor.TV13

So, I decided last night that I would not watch ANY TV news programs until November 3rd 2016 when all this political ad crap is over and done with. Nada, nothing, zip, zilch.

UNLESS……unless aliens from another planet are attacking us or Sophia Vergara decides to enter the race for the presidential nomination. In which case I’d have to watch just to see if the aliens are friendly or if Sophia’s political platform includes proposing that all future political ads during a campaign season be limited to one day before the election beginning at 6am and ending at 12 midnight.

And all TV ads during the break contain cleavage, Viagra ads, or that girl with the white horse lying on the beach.

Cripes, I’d vote for any candidate that proposed that. Cept maybe Ted Cruz.

(this is where I find an excuse to insert a Sofia Vergara photo)sofia2

Speaking of Ted Cruz, is it me or does his voice resemble scratching your fingernails over a blackboard.

There was a time I really enjoyed watching the political process. Of course that was before the political process became a circus. Now I can’t even go to an actual circus with having images of candidates dressed as clowns performing for me.

Now think about this for a minute. It’s August 2105. Do ya kn0w what that means?

It means this........

It means this……..

It means we still have 15 months of political ads, debates, campaigns, sleaze, he said, she said, and vote for me stuff to be shoved down our throats yet. OMFG!!!!!!!

15 MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF!

The way I look at it, through bloodshot eyeballs, is why should I give a rats ass what the hell is going on NOW with these debates on both sides of the political aisle. REALLY!

Think about it. What……… 17 Republican candidates and counting and possibly 4 or five on the Democratic side. So?

So should I watch the polls and see who’s ahead? Nope! The ONLY poll that counts is the one on November 8th, 2016. Makes sense to me.

mmmm

Survey: 10 outta 10 think polls suck

When it comes down to my choice of two candidates on either side, THAT’S when I’ll be paying attention. But right now…..no f**king way Jose. Again, no disrespect to anyone name Jose.

So that’s it. I’m done watching anything that has to do with politics unless it’s something I can’t resist writing about. Like say Donald Trump admits he sucks lemons every day and that’s why his lips are that way.

Need I say more........

Need I say more……..

Or Hillary Clinton gets caught in some closet with Fabio.

Or Rick perry has a brain transplant and finally can remember the three branches of government.

Or Mike Huckabee gets a brain transplant because it was discovered he actually didn’t have a brain to begin with.

Or the Koch brothers spell their name like I think it should be spelled….cock.

mmm

Heyyyyyyyy. I resent that remark!

Or Ben Carson says, “Wait, WTF am I doin’ on stage with all these white guys?”

Or Bernie Sanders finally figures out he’d make more money collecting Social Security than being president because as president the pressures of office would kill him so he’d live longer just retiring.

Or Fox News hires Wolf Blitzer, Larry Bird, Michael J. Fox, Tiger Woods, Meagan Fox, and Cat Stevens and we have an animal free for all.

mmmm

Wolf Blitzer and Michael J. Fox go at it

Or Major Garrett of CBS News finally gets a promotion to General Garrett. Long overdue if ya ask me.

Or Forrest Gump decides to enter the race for president.

After all, he was quite smart when he said, “Life is like a room full of politicians, ya never know what you’re gonna get. Or was that a box of chocolates?

Anyhow, no more watching TV news for me. Nope.

From now on it’s the Cartoon Channel.

Um….WAIT!

No….scratch that one. The Cartoon Channel already resembles CNN, FOX, CBS, NBC, ABC, and a few others.

Hmmmmm…………..

Oh well…..there ARE other options.cartoon1

Think I’m pretty safe there. Ya think?

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OMFG!!!!!! I FINALLY Get To Use The “Supremes” Song “Love Child” In a Blog

Breakkkkkkkkkkkking news. President Warren Harding, a Republican (gasp) fathered a love child while (gasp) president of the Yew Nited States.

IMPEACH!!!! IMPEACH!!!!  TAR AND FEATHER THE SOB!!!! MAKE HIM RESIGN!!!! CONGRESSIONAL INVESTIGATION!!!! EVEN WORSE, MAKE HIM A FOX NEWS COMMENTATOR.

Oh wait……..he’s dead.

DAMN!!!harding5

Um……well if he WAS alive we all know Fox News would pooh pooh this story and continue on with other stuff. BUT…….I STILL get to use The Supremes “Love Child” song. Which is the only reason I jumped on this story.

Love the Supremes and I could never find a reason to use that song.

Nan Britton, Harding's mistress with love child

Nan Britton, Harding’s mistress with love child

Thank Gawd for DNA testing. Now after 100 years all those rumors have been confirmed. Warren Harding got a BJ in the White House.

Um…WAIT! Soreeeee. That was someone else who got caught, impeached, reelected and pissed off Republicans. Possibly because they couldn’t get BJ’s.

Or worse….laid.

HEY! Did ya ever take a look at how old some of those Congressmen are! It’s a wonder ANY of them can get it up, never mind getting a BJ.

It was Harding however, a (gasp) Republican, who we all know would never do any of that stuff because um, er, because, um…oh yeah, only Democrats do that stuff.

So, this must be a made up story. (checking the facts, which, as I always say, clouds up the issues)

Let’s see………quoting from an article:

“Britton first came forward publically with the claim that her daughter, Elizabeth Ann, was Harding’s daughter in a 1927 autobiography “The President’s Daughter.” In her account, Britton detailed a steamy six-year-long affair with the 29th president, including one encounter in a White House closet, before his untimely death in 1923.”

“At the time of its publishing, the book was met with public ridicule and widely discounted as the stuff of pornographic fiction. Britton was labeled a “sex pervert” and “degenerate,” and a book was even written to counter her claims about Harding, who was married to Florence Mabel Harding.”

YES! She was a damn sex pervert and a degenerate.

Hmmmm. Why do I have a feeling Fox News may have been around back then?

Soooooo. After all these years, along comes that pesky DNA testing and SHAZAM! Nan Britton was right. Not that it matters because she too is no longer with us.

BUT…….for the sake Bill Clinton’s impeachment BJ and how Republicans were totally disgusted that any man would get a BJ, let alone in the White House, and then lie about it, OMFG!!! because, as we men all know, if any of our spouses, girlfriends or whatever type of relationship you have, asked YOU if you got a BJ from another woman, of course none of us would EVER lie about it. RIGHT!

Well, at least a Republican would NEVER lie about getting a BJ from another woman. (heh heh)

PHOTO: Warren Harding and his out-of-wedlock child, who was just proven to be his daughter through DNA testing.

Getty Images/ Courtesy Neil K Evans and Hahn Loeser LLP
PHOTO: Warren Harding and his out-of-wedlock child, who was just proven to be his daughter through DNA testing.

“But recent DNA testing by Ancestry has proven that James Blaesing, the son of Harding’s biological daughter, Elizabeth Ann, is the second cousin of the president’s grandnephew Peter Harding and his grandniece Abigail Harding.”

Ya know. If you ask me if I personally gave a big rats ass if Clinton got a BJ in the White House ya know what I’d say. F**k no. Damn….if “I” could get a BJ in the White House I’d get one. Even outta the White House. Anywhere for that matter.

Hey Fox! Take a freakin poll why don’t ya. Ask American men how many would turn down a BJ. In or out of the White House.

OH WAIT! I suspect it would be: Republicans 99.9%. Democrats 1%

(I base that guess on the number of Republicans who voted to impeach Clinton)

Another quote from the story:

“All his life, Harding said, his family had maintained that Britton was a “delusional woman who believed in a fantasy.” The family believed that President Harding, who had mumps as a child, was sterilized by the illness and could not have children.”

Welllll. As Gomer Pyle used to say: “Suuuurpriseeeeeee Suuuurpriseeeeee!!!!!harding2

The article went on to say that Nan Britton had no documented proof of any love letters Harding had written to her having destroyed those letters he wrote at her request.

(NOTE TO ANY WOMAN GIVING A BJ TO A POLITICIAN) Save all your letters or, if by chance you have one, a stained dress and give it to a friend (heh heh) you can trust.

The alluring Linda Tripp (keeper of stained dresses) and friend

The alluring Linda Tripp (keeper of stained dresses) and friend

Sooooooooo, after all this name calling and slut charges, (my choice of words to spice things up) the Harding family has decided that NOW that DNA testing is conclusive, HEY! Let’s have a family reunion with our newly discovered family members. Bygones be bygones. We really didn’t mean it when we called ya a sex pervert and a degenerate.

I love this next quote:  “the discovery will begin to clear the air around Harding’s scandalized reputation in history.”

WHAT! That he fathered a love child? Who cares. He was human for cripes sakes! He’s dead! Lay it to rest. Go after something else to take up your time that’s scandalous. Say like Hillary’s classified e-mails. Good luck with that and Benghazi.

Onward with yet our final quote from the article:

“He’s (Harding) seen as scandal-ridden and someone without any substance.  And this story will hopefully ‘put to bed’ all this stuff and the focus on who he was a president.”

Something Bill Clinton haters have never been able to do. Cept for H.W and Dubya.

Why is it I'm getting nostalgic about the good old days

Why is it I’m getting nostalgic about the good old days

Then again, they’re both out of office and the name of the game is love thy enemy once you’re retired and don’t give a rats ass.

My motto.

And, in conclusion, just to show you that some things never change………………..

Sound familiar.....

Sound familiar…..

Donate to the MisfitWisdom book “Forgotten” to help with the cost of publishing and honoring two WWII pilots who gave their lives in service to their country in 1944 by donating at this PayPal link: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=QQST38XT3YK78

The present memorial at the Preston, Ct. library grounds.

The present memorial at the Preston, Ct. library grounds.

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It’s Going To Be A Long Excrutiating Campaign Season…..*BUT…………

Also available on eBay to the highest bidder

Also available on eBay to the highest bidder

*BUT….as excrutiating as it is there are some bright spots. Namely political editorial cartoons, which I absolutely love. I thought about this today because I had a conversation with a complete stranger in a doctor’s office today and he mentioned how it was almost a year and a few months till the actual presidential elections. I think he may have been crying too……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. Anyhow, he said he was quite upset that the campaign season starts directly after the last campaign season ended and, as I recall, he WAS crying. So, to soothe him, I said, “Yeah, you’re right, but think of the positive side of things.”………………………………………………….. “Like (sob) what.” he replied…………………………………………………………………………………………… So I sez…….”The political editorial cartoons…..especially the Donald Trump ones.”…………. He still wasn’t quite sure what I meant, so I had to resort to “tough love” tactics and whip out my ancient digital camera and show him a slide show of cartoons that I had saved so far. And, considering the campaign has only been underway for a few months, (seems like years doesn’t it) there were a lot of cartoons I had saved………………………………………………… And, as we all know, at least those of us with a verifiable working brain, if ya wanna make a point……….what better way than to create a funny cartoon……………………………………………….. After viewing the cartoons, he stopped crying, and felt much better. Considering he was in a doctor’s waiting room waiting to have a colonoscopy………………………………………………..

Oops..........

Oops……….

Which was what my other half was having done, which made me completely relaxed because “I” was NOT………………………………………………………………………………………………. Sooooooo. Thought I’d share with you some of the best, (in my opinion) editorial cartoons before my camera goes into cartoon overload…..which I suspect it will, considering, as I mentioned earlier, WE’VE STILL GOT OVER A FREAKIN’ YEAR TO GO OF POLITICAL CAMPAIGNING………….(sob)………………………………………………………………………………………….. Oh yeah…………………one more colonoscopy cartoon…..(couldn’t help myself)

Sniff.....I always tear up when I hear this song

Sniff…..I always tear up when I hear this song

*****************Because I’m highlighting cartoonists today, my condolences to the family of Randy Glasbergen who passed away. One of my favorite cartoonists. He will be greatly missed.***************************************************************

Randy's humor

Randy’s humor

 

Thanks to all the editorial cartoonists for giving us something to laugh about…..even after having a colonoscopy. Lets start with my favorite subject, The Donald.elect1Yeah, which is why I married one of dem dere broads. Ok…Ok…two or three of dem broads, but whose counting.

Might as well throw another Trump one in…………………….let the political circus begin.elect2 AND….as we all know……the circus DOES have elephants and donkeys and clowns.elect3 And they can all fit into one car, which is great for saving the world from global warming…..no multi car emissions. elect4 My own prediction as to who the final candidates will be are……………………..elect5 But it’s a Buick! “That’s what I told Jeb.”elect6 Soon to be in theaters nationwide in 3-D with endless promises of a happy ending.elect7 They left out F**kabee, Flakorina, and Grahamcracker.elect8They left one out below from Dick Cheney………….$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ elect9 “What difference does it make…..” (cut rest of quote for troll purposes)elect10 Hmmmm……….might be a good idea to raise funds for my book.elect11 This next one can be compared to having a really great wet dream.elect12Now, ways to get yourself on the 6PM news. (Trump has this locked up) elect13 For those of you who love a real good knocked out blood and guts political campaign……elect15 And…..if your kid is missing, do not call 911, just watch the debates.elect14 And finally, for that guy I met in the doctor’s office……………….ah feel your pain…elect16Although if I had a choice of enduring a year and a half of political debates and campaign ads or having a colonoscopy…..I’d opt for the colonoscopy. IF…..I could have some of those drugs they give ya just before they stick that longggggggggggg thingy up yer butt. At least a years supply……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. Just sayin.’ ……………………………………

Donate to the MisfitWisdom book “Forgotten” to help with the cost of publishing and honoring two WWII pilots who gave their lives in service to their country in 1944 by donating at this PayPal link: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=QQST38XT3YK78DSCF0338 Copyright 2015 MisfitWisdom RLV…………………….

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