OK…I’ve Officially Lost It

trump-scum

 

Yep….today I have officially lost it. I’m referring to my tolerance for anyone who supports Donald Trump for president after his most recent comments regarding the birther issue and his all too obvious comments about what to do about Hillary Clinton.

Just in case you were under a rock I’ll bring you up to date. Trump now says he believes President Obama was born in the United States. BUT….blames Hillary for starting the birther movement. Yet…..if you dare to read any comments on this or any social media or news site you will find people who, even though it’s a blatant lie, and has been proven false, still claim as “fact” that Hillary started the birther movement.trump-scum3

(the beginning of my losing it)

Then he makes a statement saying that the Secret Service protecting Hillary  should stop carrying guns and “then let’s see what happens to her.”

There’s no other way to take that comment other than he’s hoping some wingnut would take her out.

Here’s just one article of many:

Trump Tries To Change The Subject From Birtherism By Suggesting Hillary Clinton Be Shot

The Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said Hillary Clinton’s Secret Service detail should disarm, “Take their guns away. Let’s see what happens to her.”

Trump Tries To Change The Subject From Birtherism By Suggesting Hillary Clinton Be Shot

While speaking at a campaign rally in Miami, Florida (which he referred to as Ohio a few times), Donald Trump suggested once again that Hillary Clinton might be assassinated.

Telling another lie about Clinton, this time claiming she’s going to abolish the Second Amendment, Donald Trump put the cherry on his fail of a lying birther day by suggesting Hillary Clinton might be shot.

The Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said Hillary Clinton’s Secret Service detail should disarm, “Take their guns away. Let’s see what happens to her.”

Watch here:

“I think that Clinton’s bodyguards should drop all weapons- they should disarm. They should disarm immediately, what do you think? Let’s see what happens to her.”

Trump said this after being called out for lying for blaming Hillary Clinton for his own birtherism. So this is how Trump tries to change the subject when he’s caught lying.

Donald Trump was spoken to by the Secret Service the last time he suggested his opponent might be shot if she won. Trump adviser Al Baldasaro told a radio host that Clinton “should be put in the firing line and shot for (fictional) treason, and later explained that he wanted Clinton shot for (fictional) treason, not assassinated.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you spell deplorable.

I agree 100%.

Remember, as an example of how insane he is, HE called Iowa voters stupid…………….

mmmm

Might be an Iowa billboard

Therefore and forsooth, I am suspending my “humor” blog until after the November election when (hopefully) sanity will once again become the norm and we can act civil towards one another. Or not…….depending on the election outcome.

Which, might turn out to be another reality show………trumscum7

So, to wrap things up, I WILL continue to post my “Days You Should Be Celebrating” feature on the 1st of each month as that has nothing to do with politics.

So, I’m going to renew my prescription for real heavy strength tranquilizers, relax, get some projects done, maybe write another  book, or lay low until November. Should you wish to come back after all this insanity is over, thanks. Should you wish to dump this blog, your choice.

In any event…….thanks to those who continue to follow this blog. To those who will opt to come back in November.

And to those who choose to bail out…….see ya.

Just sayin.’

 

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Beam Me Up Scotty…..Before I Lose It.

beam1

Yep, for the most part I have been a very rational person all of my life. Cept for that one time I posed for “Playgirl Magazine” when I was a disc jockey on a dare. Still don’t know where those pics are. I suspect if I ever ran for political office they’d surface.

But, doesn’t matter, because, 1. I’m NEVER gonna run for any political office because I have such a disdain for politicians that I’d never wanna be one. And 2. Even if I did run for office, as Donald Trump once said, “I could walk down 5th Avenue and shoot someone and they’d still love me.” So WTF would a few naked pics mean in today’s political environment. Nada.

But, that said, I have to once again go to two things that got my goat this week. That is if I actually had a goat, which I do not, but if I did have one, it would get to him as well.

'Your Honor, the witness is just trying to get my goat.'

First, Hillary Clinton’s comment that Trump supporters are, to condense it a bit, really off the wall. Now she got a lot of flack for that for saying 1/2 of Trump’s supporters are close to be being insane. (my interpretation of what she meant)

And, to put it in perspective a bit, here’s an editorial cartoon to sum it up:trump-supports-clinton

Now I wouldn’t have gone so far as to say 1/2 but for sure a lot of them. For instance, take this event in Ashville, North Carolina this past week:trump-cold-cock-lady

69-Year-Old Says She Was ‘Cold-Cocked’ by Trump Supporter During Protest https://t.co/xS8VM3sOj3 (VIDEO) pic.twitter.com/w6OQqAF5rM
— Mediaite (@Mediaite) September 14, 2016

“Speaking to local WLOF, Shirly Teter, a 69-year-old senior citizen was part of a group of protesters at a Trump campaign event in Ashville, North Carolina. While the protest was described as “peaceful,” supporters of the former host of “The Apprentice” confronted the group, and that’s when the situation took a turn for the worse. Teter explained that the last thing she remembered was being heckled by a Trump supporter, to which she replied “you better learn to speak Russian,” or something similar. It was at this time that Teter was “cold-clocked,” and knocked down to the ground, landing directly on her oxygen tank in the process. Various arrests were made at the event, but it was unknown if Teter’s attacker was one of them.”

Yes there are loose cannons out there. Which is why Hillary made that statement. Deny it if you wish, but the facts speak for themselves. You cannot carry on a civil discussion about either candidate without someone smacking ya or resorting to vile comments. Perhaps why this is the worst presidential campaign I have ever seen in my lifetime, and hopefully the last with respect to the conduct of some people.beam5

A few people have asked me why I support Hillary. My one word response……”experience.”

Do I personally give a huge rats ass about her health, her e-mails, the Benghazi witch hunt, Bill Clinton’s blow job, or that she doesn’t smile enough? F**k no. WTF has that got to do with who is the most qualified to be in the oval office?

Or….to use Republicans favorite 1/2 cut off Benghazi quote: “What difference does it make” (cut end off quote)

Now all that said, which I just did, if you want to vote for someone like Trump because you absolutely hate Hillary and THAT’S the bottom line. Fine. Your vote, your choice. And I’m NOT going to down you for that as this is a free country. (last time I checked) So vote your hearts out on election day.

But, to resort to name calling, lies, and slapping people around…..totally unacceptable. If you disagree with me, then you DO fall into that category of people that Hillary was talking about in her comment.beam9

Personally, I will not lower myself to those deplorable standards. The election process has worked fine for years. The only exception was when the Supreme Court ruled in favor of George Bush over Al Gore when Gore received the popular vote. But, hey, that’s ancient history and I’m not going to dwell on that.

It, so far, has been a he said she said campaign unlike all others. There is no civility, no common sense, no respect for the system or the facts for that mater. Facts do not exist or mean anything anymore. It’s the sound bites and the slurs and the lies that matter. How sad.

So when I say, “Beam Me Up Scotty” I actually wish that were possible. At least until this whole election nightmare is over and done with.

I find it hard to write a blog with humor when so much hatred surrounds us on this 24/7/365 negative news down your throat reporting. And all networks and news media outlets are responsible for all this hatred as well. They do not and should not get a free pass.

And editorial cartoonists as well who will either piss you off because their slamming your candidate, regardless of the validity of their point. Examples:Trump University

Or…..beam7

 

Or….beam8

So, as a humor writer, and a very logical person, I’m kinda upset at what I am witnessing. So much so that my blog posts have been not as consistent as I’d like them to be because I fail to see a lot of humor they way things are going, or, more likely a reason, as I stated earlier, you can’t logically have a discussion on politics and state facts, and that depresses me.beam2

To my blog readers, bear with me. I will from time to time find something humorous to cheer you up, but not as much as I’d like to. Perhaps after all this is over in November I’ll be back on track.

In the meantime, you can always go to the MisfitWisdom archives to enlighten your day, and on occasion I might drop in and find something humorous to write about, excluding politics.

Thanks for your support…..hang in there.

(For an in depth insight, should you actually care, go to “The National Memo” and read this article:

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eBay………For Sale, Wife…….Used…….Best Offer.

Now if you’re like me, or a lot of guys for that matter who are or were married, you may at some point in your life considered getting a divorce. Having been there and done that and still alive after two divorces, I gotta hand it to this guy who had the balls to list his wife on eBay hoping that someone would bid on her.

mmmm

It was at that point Simon O’Kane decided to list his wife on eBay

Hey, what the hell. Why go through a messy divorce when you could dump your spouse and make a few bucks to boot.

Admittedly, this guy Simon O’Kane who lives in the U.K. said that he thought it would be a really funny idea to create an eBay listing to auction off his wife because he was kinda ticked off that she was not giving him enough sympathy when he wanted it. Sounds like a logical plan to me.

The poor guy explained that after getting fed up with his wife’s lack of sympathy he decided to place the ad on eBay. He said, “I came in after work feeling a bit tired and unwell – my wife was doing the usual concerned bit but said I was burning the candle at both ends and was basically just whining at me. I thought “right I’m going to put you up for sale.”

Well, ya gotta hand it to the guy. it was either that or justifiable homicide.

mmmm

Um, make me an offer…..

Now, first of all, it’s illegal to post an actual human being for an auction on eBay. And, that said, which I just did if you were paying attention, the ad has since been taken down. BUT……not to my surprise or anyone elses, he got some offers, which is not a surprise to me, but somewhat of a surprise to me because he listed his wife under the eBay heading, “Vehicle Parts & Accessories”

BUT….when ya think about it, it DOES seem like the most logical heading to use if you’re listing your wife for sale. After all, she does HAVE parts, and most women I know DO come with accessories.

And on top of that he listed her condition on eBay as “used.”

Um….not gonna touch that one folks.

OK…OK….tooooo hard to resist……………………..

mmmmm

I assume the “used” reference is to the right…..

Here’s a view of the guy’s ad:

Man lists wife for auction on eBay

Metro UK/Mercury Press

O’Kane went on to describe his wife in the ad as, “Not new has been used but still got some good miles left in her. “Reason for selling…. I’ve had my fill and feel like there HAS to be someone out there that is more deserving of her than me (oh dear god please let there be).” O’Kane then specified that there were to be no returns once his wife was claimed “…EVER!”

Cripes, is this guy still alive and breathing?

Anyhow, his wife, Leandra did attract a ton of bidders before the post was removed, And the highest bid when it was deleted was $87,000. Such a deal.

Here’s the wording of the actual ad:

Man lists wife for auction on eBay

Metro UK/Mercury Press

Soooooo, what did his wife say when she learned of the ad? Her words, which indicates that she was somewhat pissed off: “I was absolutely fuming — I wanted to kill him,” she said. “Everyone at work saw it and were laughing their heads off. Not only did he put me up for sale but he used such a bad photo.”

YES……she was pissed off that he used a bad photo. OMFG! A bad photo. The freakin nerve of that prick. Least he could have done was find a great pic of her. Bastard.

But, like all women, after cooling down a bit, and, assuming she took a chainsaw to her hubby, did say that she was kinda intrigued by the response to the ad.

“Um, you got offer how much on the last bid dear? Hmmmmm.”

And she went on to say, just like any typical woman would say,  “If eBay hadn’t taken the listing down, who knows how much I would have got?

Notice she said “I” rather the “he.”

Always gotta share the money ya make off of eBay.

mmmmm

Best day EVER!

The article stated that despite her anger, she appeared to still have a sense of humor over the whole eBay episode, or as the article stated, “she seems to have an extremely lenient sense of humor, or is at least pretending to while she plots her vengeance on her husband.”

Can anyone say, “Lorena Bobbitt.”

O’Kane said the couple did get a few “pervy” messages from potential buyers asking for more photos, but that most of the responses were funny. “We both liked the guy looking to exchange her for a camel, and the guy trying to work out how much bacon he could get really got us howling,” he commented. He’s then quick to assure “It wasn’t like I’d actually let someone have her – she’s too good.”

Gotta love those pervs.

Now personally, having gone through two divorces, I can think of how appealing that camel offer might have been thinking of at least one of my ex wives.

mmm

More of a reason to consider that eBay offer

Just sayin.’

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Got A Hot Date Tonight? Impress Him or Her With Your Knowledge…..Or not.

After spending considerable time with my only friends, Rocky the squirrel, PePe the skunk, Blackie the snake, Orby my orb weaver spider in my backyard, and Chippy the chipmunk along with Hummer my occasional hummingbird while discussing that comedy show on TV the other night on NBC with Matt WTF Lauer, I have calmed down somewhat enough to post today’s blog.

Obviously a very cutting edge question

Obviously a very cutting edge question

Well, not actually, considering I chose to go back in time to October 2010 when life was much simpler and I actually had friends, (the pre Trump era) and decided that my brain could not actually write anything until my mind was completely purged of that forum event.

OK....I feel much better now folks

OK….I feel much better now folks

So, (lucky readers) here’s a non-political post (I think) about how to impress your date should you venture out to your local hot spot this weekend and spot a hot babe, or stud, and wish to engage in some “maybe I can score with this person facts and show how smart I am.” Or not.

(DISCLAIMER) MisfitWisdom is not responsible for any rejections you might encounter for using any of these talking points in an attempt to score with anyone.

 

So I sez to the landlord, “Look, I’m utterly exhausted and my legs are killing me, so can I please have a first floor bedroom. Soooo, if ya wanna come over, no climbing involved honeeeee.”

If you’re ever at a loss for conversation, like when you’re meeting someone for the first time, and are trying to make a good impression, here’s some good starters that will surely help you make friends or score that hot babe.

Ants stretch and yawn upon waking before heading off to work. I assume this is due to the fact that many ants do not have alarm clocks, over sleep a lot, and need to stretch and yawn before heading out to my patio.

Obviously the worst kind.....

Obviously the worst kind…..

3,000 years ago, Egyptians died by the time they reached the age of 30.  Which is why insurance company’s like Allstate, Prudential, Hartford, and other company’s wouldn’t issue them life insurance policies.

A group of owls is called a parliament.  Wonder if a group of congressmen is called jackassess.

Donald Duck was banned in Finland due to the fact that he wore no pants. Damn pervert.

OMFG!!! I KNEW IT ALL ALONG!!!!

OMFG!!! I KNEW IT ALL ALONG!!!!

Ralph Lauren’s original name was Ralph Lifshitz.  I guess he changed his name due to the fact that he was worried about some of his products being called “shitz” if no one liked them.

U.S. President Ulysses Grant’s boyhood nickname was “Useless.” Of course later on in life when he attained stature no one dared to call him by his nickname…..with the exception of Mrs. Grant.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs. Therefore, if you ever have the occasion to invite a cow to stay over, make sure you have a downstairs bedroom otherwise if you give it an upstairs bedroom, you’ll never get it to leave. Utterly a problem.

Don't ya just hate when that happens....

Don’t ya just hate it when that happens….

Flying from London to New York by Concord jet and crossing various time zones, you can arrive two hours before you left.  So, when approaching customs with anything illegal, you can tell them that you haven’t technically left London, so, if you haven’t technically left, how can you be there, thusly, avoiding an embarrassing search if they actually buy your theory.

Due to gravitational effects, you weigh less when the moon is directly overhead.  This comes in handy if you’re a bit overweight and want to post your photo on Facebook. Take those pics when the moon is directly overhead. As you can see, by observing some of the photos people post on Facebook, many people are already onto this trick.

Unfortunately

Unfortunately Clem never got to post on Facebook

18th century English gambling dens employed a person who’s only job was to swallow the dice in the event of a raid. Which I assume is where the term “craps” came into being when it came time to get rid of the dice.  My thought, anyhow.

The electric chair was actually invented by a dentist. Honest!  Once again, I’m assuming the dentist got the idea from being bitten by too many patients and decided to get even.dentist-drill2

In Australia there is a worm that grows to be ten feet in length.  Which is one of the reasons Australian’s use giant cranes to cast off when fishing instead of a regular rod and reel.

Finally……..in Redondo Beach, California, police arrested a driver after a short chase. The guy had been whizzing along with half of a traffic light pole, including the lights across his hood.  He had hit the pole on a median strip and kept on driving.  He told officers, when asked about the pole, “It came with the car when I bought it.”

I think police checked with various auto dealers in the area, but none were offering traffic light poles that particular day if you purchased a car.

Another reason to always wear your

Exactly……another reason to always wear your helmet

However, in my case, while driving, if I EVER had an accident, THIS would be the cause…………….

Along with several other cars driven by guys behind me

Along with several other cars driven by guys behind me

There ya have it. Perfect conversation pieces for your next weekend trolling venture. Good luck!

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Hey Daddy-O, Dig This Cool Trip To The Past

Or....freakin' AAAAAAAAAAA

Or….freakin’ A

Every generation has their own slang lingo. Which is one reason I can’t understand anyone who speaks slang today. Cause I have no freakin’ idea WTF they’re talkin’ about.

Kinda like when some of us were younger and had our own version of slang speak, as I like to call it, and drove our parents absolutely nutso.

So, being kinda curious, I went back in time to the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s via the MisfitWisdom time machine, borrowed from Marty McFly and Dr. Emmett Brown, (Back To The Future) and dug up some cool cat phrases………cool cat being one of them. It was a real “gas” remembering some of them. Gas being another one. Which meant……a lot of fun. Not farting.

mmmm

“Remember Marty……..if you need more gas while going back in time there’s a few cans of Bush’s Beans behind the seat.”

So, with that, let us begin Daddy-O…………………

“Ape” used with “go” “gone” or “went” meant you were going nuts.

“Ball” meant to have a party, as in Little Richard’s “Good Golly Miss Molly, She Like To Ball.” Which, if put into context today, Miss Molly would be having sex. Then again, who knows what Little Richard really meant back then.

You decide……………..

“Beat Feet” meant getting the hell outta wherever your were. Like maybe ripping off Playboy or Penthouse magazines at your local store and beating feet. Then later beating…um….er…..neverrrr mind. (only guys will catch that)

“Boss” meant something was really great or cool. Unlike today when boss means the guy who tells ya what to do and is totally uncool.

To “bug out” meant to leave the premises. No can of RAID needed.

Another version of bugging out

Another version of bugging out

If you were depressed it was a real “bummer.” Bummers, for the most part do not exist today thanks to our friendly pharmaceutical companies. Unless you can’t afford those drugs, then, I guess, you may be totally bummed out.

If you were a wimp, sissy, nerd, or uncool you were called a “candyass.” Hmmmm…….come to think of it, if you went with a real hot babe I guess candyass could be applied there as well. Just sayin.’

Which leads us to the word “chick” which obviously meant a baby chicken. Um….oops…no…soreeee, back then it meant a girl or woman.

Also very hot....

Also very hot….

Now this next one “chrome dome” was what, as a kid, you called a bald guy. Unfortunately as I was calling bald guys chrome domes little did I know I would eventually become one too. (sigh)

A “church key” was NOT a key you used to get into a church after hours. It was and still is in some instances, is what you used to open a beer or soda can before pop tops were invented.

“Cooties” were some sort of crawly flea type thingy that you got but no one ever really saw one, so it was kind of debatable as to if they really existed. The cooties or anyone who had them. BUT………I actually had “ONE.” Um….the game that is.

Cootie box cover and cootie body parts

Cootie box cover and cootie body parts

My all time favorite slang phrase back then, along with every other red-blooded teenage boy was “cop a feel.” No you idiot…….not feeling up a cop. Unless that’s your thing. To “cop a feel” meant you were touching a girl’s body part….usually boobs. Mostly because they were the easiest part to cop a feel. Then get whacked.

“Cruising” was driving up and down the street of your town looking for “chicks” with the radio blasting so you’d look cool. In my case, trying to look cool in a 49 De Soto (pictured below) wasn’t necessarily the kind of car one would attract chicks in while other guys were behind you in Corvettes and Thunderbirds.

mmmm

Damn De Soto

If you were called a “dip stick” it meant you were an idiot.

Now today if someone calls ya “dude” it’s cool. Back then in the 60’s it meant you were a geek or a panty waist. Which is why I still call people I know of my age dudes. (heh heh)dude1

A “fink” was a tattle tale. Today its Edward Snowden or Julian Assange.

Which, is the same as a “ratfink,”…….which was also from decades ago……

The basic ratfink

The basic ratfink

“Five Finger Discount” was anything you obtained by stealing it. My five-finger discounts back then were Playboy Magazines, Penthouse Magazines and an occasional condom.

And instead of “right on” when we liked something or agreed with someone it was “f**kin’ A.”

Of course, still in effect today is the slang word for the police. “The Fuzz.”fuzz1

“Gimmie some skin” was to shake hands with someone. Although I had different thought back then about what skin “I” was thinking about. (perv thoughts)

This next one can be found in a gazillion rock and roll songs. “Go Cat Go.” It meant you were encouraging someone to go faster or harder.

Today…if you have a cat it means………………cat bathroom

A “greaser”was a guy that used way too much grease or wax in his hair. Yep….guys did that back then. Cept for me of course. Why? The De Soto problem. Ya can’t look like a real cool greaser driving a 49 De Soto. Damn car.

“Hacked”meant angry, disgusted, mad, ticket or pissed off. Today its computers being hacked, which, when ya think about it, fits right in with being angry, disgusted, mad, ticked or pissed off. More so maybe.

If you were accused by your parents of getting into “hanky panky” stuff they were accusing you of mischievous sexual activity….usually. And 99.9% of the time they were right.

Which also gives me an excuse to do the Hanky Panky thanks to Tommy James and the Shondells.

“Jacked up” did not mean you were under the covers in bed or in the bathroom with a girlie magazine and doing you know what. (I plead the 5th on this one) It meant to raise the front end of your car so you’d have more weight on the rear wheels so you could drag race. Um…couldn’t do that with a 49 De Soto so ya know what “I” was jacking up. Damn car.

Ah yes……still around today, “knocked up.” Meant your girlfriend was pregnant. Could also refer to the phrase “daddy-o” as what was coming next for ya pal.

And we all “made out” which was a heavy petting or kissing session in the back seat of your car usually at a drive-in or a secluded place. (NOTE) If you’re younger than 30 look up WTF a “drive-in” was.

We all know what to “moon” someone was.

Obviously an “old lady” was your mother and an “old man” was your father. Which, if you’re now over the age of 30, you’ve become. Congrats.

“Outta Sight” did not mean you were blind as a bat. Rather, you were awesome, what you were wearing was awesome, or what you did was awesome.

Now for those of you who didn’t bother to look up what a drive-in was, I’ve given you a photo below of one. Which was called by teenagers, a “passion pit.” No explanation needed.

The drive-in movie part

The drive-in movie part

The drive-in movie passion pit

The drive-in movie passion pit part

A “rat fink” is the same as a “fink” only worse when the rat part was added. I myself use this term a lot when talking about politicians.

“Raunchy” was something raw, disgusting or rank. Like your clothes you gave your mother to wash after you’ve worn them for a week. It was also a hit instrumental back then by Bill Justis.

“Real Gone Cat” was not a cat that you had that went missing. It meant someone who marched to his own drummer. In other words, you were strange or weird. I think I may have fit into that category at some point during my teenage years. Then again, I WAS still driving that damn De Soto.

If you “scored” and you “scored” big time it meant you made it all the way to first base with a girl. This had nothing to do with baseball.

A “skag” was the slang word for an ugly girl. Now truthfully, I can’t EVER remembering using that term for any girl I knew. Then again, (sigh) still driving that 49 De Soto I couldn’t be picky. Why blow my chances of ever getting a girl and scoring big time.

Closely resembling the above slang word was “slut” which is still in use today. Of course it means a promiscuous girl if you were a teenager. If you’re an adult today insert the word “woman” for girl. Works in both instances I guess.

Sometimes sluts were easy to spot.....

Sometimes sluts were easy to spot…..usually the way they dressed

Sometimes not so easy to spot by the way they dressed

Sometimes not so easy to spot by the way they dressed

 

Back then I didn’t really know any sluts either. Come to think of it, by the time I actually did meet an honest to goodness certified  bona fide slut was when I was in the Army and stationed in Germany and didn’t have any money to pay for her services. Damn!

Another one of my favorite slang words was “stacked.” Meaning a girl was well endowed. (boobs) Today, at my age (dinosaur) “stacked” means going to Denny’s and getting a stack of pancakes. “Holy shit dear, lookit at all these pancakes I got for $1.99…..boy are they stacked.” Doesn’t take much to excite me.

“Submarine Races” were when you went parking with your girl at the beach and made out. Personally, having been there and done that, I can attest to the fact that in all the time I did that I never once saw a submarine.

Caution, Falling Bras.

“Swapping Spit’ was getting a “French Kiss.” (tongue factor)

Ah yes….still in effect today, “The Bird.”finger1

Need I say more?

Back then “thongs” you wore on your feet. Now they’re on your crotch. Go figure.

AND….back then “trollin’ was once again, cruising the street looking for chicks. Today trollin’ refers to a bunch of low lives on the Internet spreading hate and discontent. Most likely because they’re driving a beat up 1976 pickup truck, are really “raunchy” looking people who haven’t showered in days and still have last weeks clothes on so they have no lives to speak of. Well trolls…………………. at least you’re not driving a 49 De Soto.

And, to end today’s blog of slang words from long ago, “Wipe’d Out.” Which meant to fall off your surf board or to crash your vehicle while drag racing.

Or…in my case……..freakin’ wiped out writing all this stuff that my eyeballs are glossed over and I’m now totally depressed thinking about that #*!$@ 49 DeSoto. I’M totally wipe’d out dude.

(for the complete list of slang terms should you care to regress to an earlier time in life go to http://www.cougartown.com)

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Days You Should, Or Could, Celebrate in September

sept51

Once again, as a public service to those of us who have absolutely no lives to speak of whatsoever, an opportunity to at least waste your time by celebrating some of these special days in the month of September.

Hey….if you’re gonna waste your lives away might as well waste it doing something till ya buy the farm.

First celebrations that are all month long. So basically if you choose one of the next few monthly celebrations it’ll kinda like being on a bender.

First, September is “Classical Music Month.” Yawn…um….sorry Beethoven.

Beethoven's unwanted overture.

Probably Beethoven’s 5th………..attempt

One of the more uplifting monthly celebrations is “Hispanic Heritage Month.” I would assume that bullfighting is among one of activities here.

There’s also “International Square Dancing Month.”

You DO NOT have to be a square to participate….but it does help.

Spongebob Squarepants square dancing

Spongebob Squarepants square dancing

September is also “National Courtesy Month.”  Be nice to everyone you meet during the entire month. Then in October you can tell them to go f**k off.

Common courtesy within the animal kingdom

Common courtesy within the animal kingdom during the month of September

And finally, to round out our monthly celebrations, “Chicken Month.”

Ah feel yer pain......

Ah feel yer pain……

Ok, onward.

You’ve probably never heard of Emma M. Nutt. BUT……September 1st is dedicated to Ms. Nutt as it is “Emma M. Nutt Day.” Who was Ms. Nutt. Well FYI Ms. Nutt was the very first woman telephone operator. You may recall her on the old TV program “Laugh In.”

Ok…OK…that wasn’t Ms. Nutt. But, I bet she came close to resembling Lily Tomlin. (below)

Would this be the party to whom I am speaking?

Would this be the party to whom I am speaking?

“International Bacon Day” is on…………..

BACON!!! BACON!!! BACON!!! BACON !!!

BACON!!! BACON!!! BACON!!! BACON !!!

Um…..excusssssssse me. I was about to say that September 2nd is “International Bacon Day” when I was so rudely interrupted. Cripes!

Oops............

Oops…………

Also, the 2nd of the month is “V J Day.” Remember Alfred Eisenstadt’s iconic photo taken in Times Square on that day…….kissing sailor

Welllllllll…..if it had been in 2016……………….

XXXX

Beam me up Scotty………….

The 5th is “Labor Day.” The day when all women who are expecting are supposed to go into labor and……….

Um….wait. Soreeee, I got my facts wrong on that one. See, that’s what ya get for relying on information ya find on the Internet.

Labor Day is exactly what is sez below……………..

mmm

Cape Cod, Martha’s Vineyard, Nantucket, Newport, hereeeeeeeee we come

The 7th is “National Salami Day.” In lieu of the usual sexual salami jokes I opted for this one.

mmmm

NO! NO! I can’t pass up this opportunity to slip in a salami/sausage one……..!!!!!

Oooooo. I'll take that big one in the middle

Oooooo. I’ll take that big one in the middle Harry.

Um…..soreeeeeeee.dog not sorryOk….so what ya damn flea bag.

Ok….on a more cuddly note, September 9th is “Teddy Bear Day.” And for that dog above the bear sez it all.

mmmm

Up yours pal….

The 11th is “911 Remembrance Day.”nine 11

It is also “No News Is Good News Day.”

mmmmm

Makes sense to me…..

“Defy Superstition Day” is on the 13th. Remember to carry a rabbit’s foot along with you today for good luck.. Um….unless you’re a rabbit…………………….

mm

Ah So…..the 13th is also “Fortune Cookie Day.”

Yep....got suckered into this one....

Yep….got suckered into this one….

Which brings to mind this…………………

Thank you Forest Gump

Thank you Forrest Gump

To round out the 13th, “National Peanut Day.”

So THAT'S how M&M's come with peanuts in them!!

So THAT’S how M&M’s come with peanuts in them!!

Moving along, September 16th is “Collect Rocks Day.” Excellent day for some of you who, as I said earlier, have no lives to speak of.

The infamous rock paper scissors encounter

The infamous rock paper scissors encounter

The 16th is also “Mayflower Day.”

mmmm

Angry Feather Ronald Trump…..Donald’s great, great, great, great ancestor.

And, ironically, considering the above day celebration, the 16th is also “Mexican Independence Day.”

mmmm

Si……………

One more on the 16th, “National Play Doh Day.” NEVER leave your Play Doh lying around if you own a dog.playd1September 18th is “Wife Appreciation Day.” Do your best to show how much you really appreciate your wife by helping her with even the smallest of requests.

mmmm

Anything for the love of my life dear

Sometimes, in a moment of reflection, ya just wanna hug an elephant. If you have that urge, the 22nd is your lucky day as it’s “Elephant Appreciation Day.” Hug your heart out.

mm

Marvin was a big hit with the ladies

My favorite this month is “Dog In Politics Day.” Considering, in my opinion, most politicians ARE dogs, they might as well hold up these same signs.  You know, kiss their butts and they’ll get things done for ya. Maybe.

If dogs were running for political office.......not far off the track from today's politicians

If dogs were running for political office…….not far off the track from today’s politicians

The 23rd is “Native American Day.”

mm

2016 election. Sound familiar?

“International Rabbit Day” is on September 24th. You DO know what rabbits are good at don’t ya?

bbbb

Ok pal….I’ll put ya down for several thousand

Of course every year on the 26th we always celebrate “Johnny Appleseed Day.” If it were not for Johnny we would not have as many apple trees as we have. Or…………applesauce.

How Johnny Appleseed met his demise

The bad news, how Johnny Appleseed met his demise. The good news, how applesauce was discovered.

If you have a tendency to ask a lot of stupid questions, today is your day. The 28th is “Ask a Stupid Question Day.” Knock yourselves out.dumb2BUT……….NEVER answer THIS stupid question….NEVER!!!!!

However, in this instance, you're screwed.'

However, in this instance, you’re screwed.

And finally, another one of my favorite celebrations in September, “Confucius Day” on the 29th. Sooooooo many Confucius sayings, sooooooooo little time.

mmm

Confucius obviously confused

And so, on that note, my favorite Confucius saying…………………..

mmmm

Such wisdom………..

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For a complete list of celebrations during the month of September go to “holidayinsights.com”

 

 

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Gene Wilder June -11-1933 – August-29-2016

Thanks to artist

Thanks to artist Omar Momani

Gene Wilder who passed away yesterday after suffering from Alzheimer’s disease will be sadly missed.

We all have favorite actors and comedians, and by far, Gene was one of my favorites. His ability to bring dead pan humor to the screen was an art.

In his memory, I’d like to share a few of my favorite scenes from some of his movies.

Enjoy.

From “Young Frankenstein:”

And again from “Young Frankenstein.”

From “Blazing Saddles” a classic scene where Gene has gotta be the fastest draw in the West.

And with Richard Pryor in the movie trailer for “Silver Streak.”

And who can ever forget the magical Willie Wonka that Gene played.

And, in a final tribute, a remembrance of Gene Wilder’s life and career filmed in 2013

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