Your’re Gonna Stick Your Finger WHERE!!! OMFG!!!!

mm

I-I-I- k-k-know….but you’re fingers sooooooo cold doc

Look, I’m not a wimp. I know damn well that when you go to the doctor for an examination they’re always gonna find ways to stick things into parts of your body that things shouldn’t be stuck into. Either some biggggg cold instrument that looks like it should be part of the NASA space program, or, their finger.

I accept that fact. Having had a number of procedures done over the years. And one most recently just yesterday. For you men, who can relate to this, it’s called a prostate exam.

Now I’ve had enough of these prostate exams to know what I’m in for. It basically amounts to bending over and having the doc insert a gloved finger up your butt to check the size of your prostate. Which I think has progressed somewhat from ancient times when they hired a lighting company, similar to the company that illuminates all of Fenway Park or Yankee Stadium, at which point you then had to have your cheeks spread wide open, and they illuminated your butt to observe your prostate while the doc most likely had two Igor type assistants hold your butt open.. My guess anyhow.

Ok, so it’s really not that bad nowadays. Bend over, doc inserts finger, exam over.

mmmm

From the movie, “The Long Green Pole.”

What I don’t get is why prostate exams haven’t progressed since the days of Adolf Hitler, considering he was a complete a**hole and definitely needed to have HIS prostate examined. He might have turned out to be a really nice guy had they caught the case of a**holeinitus he was apparently suffering from.

mm

Still a bit invasive, but you DO save on doctor’s office visits

It seems to me that with the many technological advancements in modern medicine today that the ol bend over finger exam would have been refined a bit more. I mean, if you can have non invasive surgery that involves making what amounts to a pinhole in your body and they can insert all kinds of wires, surgical instruments, cameras and a film crew into that small incision, why the hell haven’t they perfected prostate exams to the point that you don’t have to bend over and have a finger inserted up your butt?

Unless it’s one of those instances where the latex rubber glove companies have a great lobbiest within the medical community who thinks that latex glove companies will go out of business if prostate exams can be done without those gloves and millions of people will be out of work if they discontinue the use of those gloves. Who the “f**k knows?

mm

And I have severe flashbacks if I watch any baseball games

Why can’t someone come up with a better way to conduct a prostate exam? Say like this for instance. You go to your doctor’s office for your exam. You simply sit on a device that resembles a toilet, because it DOES kinda spread your butt cheeks, and then, instead of water in the toilet, a series of lights illuminate your butt and a tiny camera pops up, takes a photo of your prostate from a verrrry close range, and SHAZAM! you’re outta there with no finger rubber glove trauma.

AND….you could have safely eaten a bean burrito the night before and not have to worry that during the exam you might fart your freakin’ brains out. Always a major concern of course.

PLUS….you get a nice 8 X 10 photo of your butt suitable for framing.

mmm

Clown prostate exams

Now think about this for a moment. There’s a complete colonoscopy exam at which point a long, (verrrry long) tube with a camera is inserted up your butt with a camera on the end that takes some really great color shots of your colon. (smile)

THEN, there’s the same long tube with the camera they use to give you what is called an endoscopic test which is when they insert that long tube down your throat to examine your intestines and whatever else they come across. Maybe that bean burrito.

mm

“Nurse….Nurse! Hand me a flashlight. I think I’ve discovered Uranus

Actually, my thought anyhow, is that if you were to get both tests done at the same time those long tubes could actually meet one another inside of your body and take a picture of themselves.

My only concern over the years was how throughly do they clean those long tubes after those exams. I mean, suppose both tubes are used for either examination. Which basically means if you wake up and your mouth tastes like s**t somethings gotta be wrong here. Again….my thought.

“Igor, did you throughly sterilize this colonoscopy tube that I’m now using to shove down this guys throat?”

“Oops…..sorry doc, I thought you did.”

mm

Cept maybe for Julia Child when she was a kid

So, a note to any brainiac out there who has some expertise on how to invent new and innovative medical exam devices.

FOR CRIPES SAKE COME UP WITH A NEW FREAKIN’ WAY TO CONDUCT PROSTATE EXAMS INSTEAD OF CONDUCTING EXPERIMENTS ON LAB RATS WHO COULDN’T GIVE A RATS ASS (literally) IF SOMEONE SHOVES A GLOVED FINGER UP THEIR BUTTS!!!!

I would also tend to feel some compassion for women who have mammograms too. Based on the number of times my other half has had her mammys grammed and has complained about the procedure which involves putting pressure on her boobs in order to detect any abnormalities.

Not actually having experienced that procedure, and on occasion advising her to just tell the doctor that I personally can vouch for the condition of her boobs, having conducted many of my own examinations, for medical purposes of course, you would think that should be enough. BUT….they still insist on doing that procedure. Which also needs to be refined to the point where it is not so uncomfortable.

mm

Um…..I think I can now relate to women’s mammogram

More needs to be done to find ways to correct these procedures to the point where it’s enjoyable rather than uncomfortable.

Well, maybe “enjoyable” was a poor choice of words there. Maybe I should have used the word, “comfortable” instead.

As in my idea of a prostate exam using a toilet device with lights and cameras.

OR, in the case of mammograms, just taking our word for it, (guys) that if we conduct our own mammograms at home on a daily basis, it should be good enough for doctors to accept.

After all, who but W. B. Mason, um….sorry….I meant who but us men should know about our female companions boobs more than us. A doctor who exams their boobs for 15 minutes, or us guys who have a “hands on” approach day in and day out, or, night in and night out. Depending on when its most convenient for you to check your companions boobs.

mm

And….a lot more enjoyable for women too

Now if we guys could only get our companions to check our prostate, the rubber glove industry would not have to worry, and it really could turn out to be an enjoyable experience. In the end. Literally speaking.

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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