FINALLY! The Purrfect Candidate.

Purrrrlease vote for meeeoww…..amigos.

I’ve always said that if animals could run for office we’d be a lot better off considering the present animals we have in office can’t be tamed. Or trained to use a litter box or poop in the woods. Although I wouldn’t put it past some politicians to attempt that just to get votes.

But in Mexico they’ve done just that. Listed animals on the ballots to run for office. As one voter puts it with reference to a candidate running for mayor named “Morris,” (a cat) “He sleeps almost all day and does nothing, and that fits the profile of a politician.”

And I would add to that by stating that most cats are visible 24/7/365 while most of the human candidates in my area during an election are invisible 24/7/365. And don’t even know how to use a litter box.

Obviously a candidate for the Guinness Book of World records

Morris, a black-and-white kitten with orange eyes, is running for mayor of Xalapa in eastern Mexico with a really neat campaign slogan. “Tired of Voting For Rats? Vote For A Cat.” Kinda catchy don’t ya think. Unless you’re a rat and registered to vote.

And people in Mexico are taking this serious. In fact, Morris has gone full hog, or mouse on his campaign with T-Shirts, campaign stickers, and even has his own web site, Twitter account and a Catface page……um….sorry, that should read, “Facebook” page with over 115,000 likes. More than even ol Misfit here gets. Go figure.

Yeah, you’re right. But he is kinda cute and speaks both German and Mexican.

But Morris isn’t the only animal to run for office. Others include, “Chon the Donkey,” in Ciudad Juarez,who’s slogan could be, “Don’t be an ass. Vote for one instead.”

Then there’s “Tina the Chicken,”  in Tepic. Who I guess could promise not to lay any controversial eggs while in office.

Tina’s campaign slogan

And “Maya the Cat,” in the city of Puebla. Who could really use a play on words and say, “Vote for Maya for Mayor.” Just a thought there.

Finally, there’s ” Tintan the Dog,” in Oaxaca City. Because you know that dogs, not to be upstaged by cats, also have to get a piece of the action. Campaign motto: “A fire hydrant on every corner.”

It was shortly thereafter when the National Enquirer reported this scandal that Tintan dropped out of the race

Just as in America, in Mexico politicians rank at the bottom of polls. A survey last year ranked Mexican’s trust in 15 institutions and politicians along with government officials among the bottom five. Mexican jumping beans coming in ahead of them.

Xalapa, the town where Morris is running for mayor, has been beleaguered by drug violence, corruption, scandals and the killings of at least nine reporters and photojournalists. I guess the residents figure if they elect a cat as mayor the chance of him getting involved in violence, corruption, scandals and getting knocked off are kinda slim. Who in their right mind, besides a dog, would want to put a contract out on a cat.

And as far as corruption, scandals and violence, there’s no way any cat is going to get nailed on those charges. Cripes, they sleep 18 hours a day as it is. Who has the time? Unlike real politicians who sleep 4 hours a day and spend the rest of their time getting involved in violence, corruption, scandals and spending time with bimbos.

However there are a few bad apples

Now if you think that Morris doesn’t stand a mouse’s chance in a cat house, (cat house being a house full of cats and NOT the other type of cat house that real politicians frequent) you’d be mistaken. As I mentioned earlier, Morris has 115,000 likes of Facebook, while his closest contender, Americo Zuniga, (not a cat) only has 33,000 Facebook likes.

So what does that tell ya?  It tells ya that people are into pussy. Sorry…..people might take that wrong. I should have said that people are into cats. Simple slip of the keyboard there folks.

Now this campaign with Morris as the candidate is really upsetting politicians to the point that they are asking voters not to waste their votes on a cat. Which I think might tend to be  borderline discrimination if ya think about it. Cats may be animals but they deserve the same rights as anyone running for office as far as I’m concerned.

Quoting that famous American politician once again, (Mitt Romney) “Cats are people too.”

The Mexican Dog Party was not to happy with Romney’s support of cats remarks

Electoral Institute President Carolina Viveros said that, “We are asking for people to participate by voting for those citizens registered on the ballots. Everything else is apart of expression happening in social media and I respect that, but you have to vote for the registered candidates, please.”

Meaning of course that she most likely will challenge the final outcome if Morris wins the Mayoral seat on the grounds that he was not an official registered candidate. Flimsy defense if ya ask me.

Why? Because in the Alaskan town of Talkeetna, Stubbs the cat has been the honorary mayor for more than 15 years. And he has thrown his support behind Morris the cat by posting his fellow feline candidate’s spot campaign on his own Facebook page. So if it’s good for Alaska, it should be good for Mexico.

WAIT!!!!

Alaska!!!  Elections!!!! OMG!!!! Could it be that the anointed one returns?

YES………………….

She’s baaaaaaaaack!!!!

My suggestion for Morris would be to enlist the help and support of Sarah Palin along with Stubbs the cat. Two famous pussys are better than one. (sorry, couldn’t help myself)

Stubbs could go on the campaign trail with Morris and generate support for his campaign.

While Sarah could play it real safe, not open her mouth and say anything really silly, which she has on occasion done, and simply do what she does best when campaigning.

Meow for the cameras, and when opponents challenge her candidate, Morris, scratch and claw the bejesus outta them.

Like she’s done in the past and will continue to do so now that she’s back with Fox News.

Just sayin.’

DONATE: The MisfitWisdom PayPal donate link:

‘
https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=N2MFUFQ7U3C2L

Copyright 2013 MisfitWisdom RLV

DILLIGARA Header: chickart@cox.net

A “Prairie Home Companion.” In Connecticut….Sorry….no prairies.

Ah the old prairie refrain: “Give me a home, where the buffalo roam, and I’ll show you a messy house.”

Yes, life on the ol prairie. As my Funk & Wagnell’s dictionary of words and definitions you could give a rat’s ass about defines:

prai·rie
(prâr)

n.

An extensive area of flat or rolling, predominantly treeless grassland, especially the large tract or plain of central North America.

Which also describes most of the lawn area in my front yard. Treeless, rolling and dead.

But, that said, I’m writing about prairies today after listening to Garrision Keillor’s “Prairie Home Companion” program on NPR.

It’s such a nice folksy program with all sorts of entertaining folksy stuff like stories of “Lake Wobegon.”  The adventures of “Guy Noir,” private detective.

As well as Keillor often poking fun at central Minnesota’s large Scandinavian-American and German-American communities. Which may account for the bounty on his head in those communities.

Garrison Keillor falls on hard times after his  ”Prairie Home Companion” show is cancelled

So I wondered how a Prairie Home Companion program would fare here in New England. Minus the prairie, buffalos, and where the deer and the antelopes play. BUT….where there is always heard, a discouragingly word at least every day. Somewhat like, “Hey ya freakin’ jerk, ya took up two parkin’ spaces you idiot!”

Or if there were any folksy type stories like Garrison tells on his program.

(The MisfitWisdom version of “Rural Home Companion”)

Yep, ol Mildred Smirdornsky at the Lake Reekoswamp fire department weekly bingo after a confrontation with Helen Crasner and had to be transported to a local hospital. Horace Greenswerg, the Chief of the Lake Reekoswamp Volunteer Fire Department and Septic Service said that Ms. Smirdornsky had to be sedated on the way to Our Lady of Agony Hospital after screaming at paramedics that, “That bitch Helen better not try to steal my freakin’ bingo card!”

Meanwhile, down at the country store on Main Street, Elmer Flattsner entertained the locals with his recollections of patriotic battles he had fought in the very first year the local casino opened and there were only 75 slot machines and he had to fight off several old ladies and one guy driving a scooter in order to get one of those machines. Elmer proudly displays many of his casino battle scars incurred by being beaten by a number of canes and oxygen tanks.

Photo of Elmer’s attacker as caught on casino video surveillance cameras shortly before one of those attacks.

Harvey Dieffenberg, the local resident part-time police officer and animal control officer as well as pest exterminator, recalled the time he stopped Elma Zaplowsky driving on the sidewalk at the local feed store in her 1982 Oldsmobile Cutlass thinking it was a Burger King drive thru and wound up with two bags of wild bird seed and a forsythia bush. In the nick of time Harvey caught her just as she was about to pour catsup on the bird seed and mistaking the forsythia leaves as lettuce.

Down at the local dog pound Horace Fifner was attempting to convince Bertha Rosnowski from the Termite Heights section of town that the perfect companion for her was a stray coyote that he had caught just last week. Unable to convince anyone else to adopt the coyote, because, obviously no one wants to adopt a coyote, he named it Fido and attempted to pass it off as a dog. Bertha, falling for the “Fido” ploy adopted the coyote and hasn’t been seen or heard from since.

The last known photo taken outside of Bertha’s house

The town’s only private detective, Frebus Glockner, was in the midst of an investigation as to who was responsible for the theft of several rubber cow brassieres from the Melvin Cow Farm just up the road from the town balloon factory. Considering the balloon factory holds the exclusive contract to supply the town with parade balloons and that there is a shortage of balloon material available, the factory is a prime suspect in this case. The local house of ill repute had previously been cleared of any involvement due to the fact that rubber gloves, although in appearance resemble condoms, are not really user-friendly. Presently authorities are centering their investigation on a local bovine strip club.

And that’s life in a small New England town folks. Where all he residents are really clueless. The men are couch potato slugs. The women all have constant headaches. And although there are no deer and antelopes playing, and the skys are usually cloudy all day, and you always hear an awful lot of discouraging words, it beats living out there on the prairie with all kinds of snakes, bugs, and various animals ready to eat your ass.

Take THAT Garrison Keillor.

Just sayin.”

DONATE: The MisfitWisdom PayPal donate link:
https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=288KBLXKADCFJ

Copyright 2013 MisfitWisdom RLV

DILLIGARA Header: chickart@cox.net

“Cremation.” Subtitled: Is It Hot In Here, Or Is It Just Me.

Many people ask me why I subscribe to “Time Magazine.” The simple answer is because every so often, when it’s a slow news week, they decide to write an article on a “burning” issue that affects us all. In this instance, (Time 6/24/13) the burning issue is NOT burning copies of their old issues, but of cremation, which is a really burning issue that does concern all of us.

In my case it would be empty cans of “Fancy Feast.”

Like death and taxes, ya just can’t escape it. So, what to do? Obviously pay your taxes or wind up in the slammer and eventually buy the farm, at which point someone has to decide what to do with your sorry ass. Either dump you into a six-foot hole, cover you with dirt, and say adios. OR…..avoid all that messy dirt stuff and just cremate your sorry ass.

So Time explores this option, (cremation) in an extensive article, which I read with great interest, because, like many Americans, I too have decided that I want to be cremated rather than have my own sorry ass dumped into the ground.

First of all let me state that I hate dark cramped places. Hence it kinda freaks me out that I’d be in a box six feet under the ground where it’s very dark. Not that I’d know I was there, but jussssst in case somebody screws up and I really wasn’t dead but on a really great high from smoking some really good weed. Ya never know.

So, that said, I figure getting zapped in a furnace was my best option. It’s over with quick plus it’s warm and cozy. I hate the cold.

According to Time’s research, the “Cremation Association of North America,” (CANA) which I assume holds their annual meetings surrounded by a bunch of fireplaces just for the ambiance, says that Americans chose cremation over burial by 24% in 1998. That number has now hit 42.2% as of 2011. So my thinking is, “Hey, go with the flow……or flame.”

Now for those of you who are presently reading this blog and saying to yourselves, “Yuk,” keep in mind that cremation is a very clean process in deference to having your remains dumped into a box, put into the ground, and have all those creatures living beneath the ground yell out, “Lunch time!.”

Now I’ve personally witnessed an actual cremation. I know what you’re thinking. How in the world can ya watch a cremation without getting cremated yourself. Good question.

Well, there’s this little peephole you can peer through to watch the actual process. Considering that the heat inside of the furnace reaches somewhere between 1,800 degrees you would NOT want to actually be in the same room with the dearly departed. So it’s best you peep through that tiny peephole.

Again you’re saying to yourselves, “Yuk,” as you envision watching your beloved resemble a hamburger or hotdog on a barbecue grill. Not to worry. All you ever get to see is the remains of the combustible coffin engulfed in flames because the flames are so intense everything is burned to a bacon crisp in just a short amount of time. All that’s left are ashes and a few bones which you still do not get to see, unless you ask to see the final results of the cookout later.

They did have a problem once according to Time’s article, when a 440 pound woman, obviously way overweight, caught fire, which is not unusual considering she was being cremated, but, it got way outta hand….and foot….and other body parts. The crematory’s air filters got clogged and it almost destroyed the entire facility. But not to worry. Since then most crematories have modified their facilities to hold up to individuals weighing up to 1,000 pounds.

(Note: If you’re one of these people who presently weighs over 1,000 pounds do NOT gain any more weight)

The neatest thing about being cremated is that with the popularity of the process it has created a new after market…..so to speak. YES….you can still contribute to the well being of the economy after you’ve died. How? By having your ashes placed in some really neat containers, commonly referred to in the funeral industry as urns.

Front and center comes Mike Nicodemus, who is the vice president of “Hollomon-Brown Funeral Home and Crematory” in Virginia. Mike can make you some deals you simply can’t refuse. Such as offering you a really great selection of urns to place your dearly departed’s remains in. If, of course, you want them to “remain” with you in one way or another…..or shape.

For instance. Ol Mike has a selection of the following urns to place your departed’s ashes in. Besides just throwing them in your fireplace and saying, “What the hell.”

Wind chimes. Yes, you can have ashes made into a wind chime so that whenever those wind chimes chime you can remember your loved one. And, if you and your loved one used to argue a lot, you can always have the last word by yelling out on a windy day when those chimes are chiming, “Shut the f**k up Harry.”

Baseball themed urns. Which is actually my favorite. (see Red Sox Urn below) However, it would be my luck to have some kid stroll by the house, spot that urn shaped like a baseball, steal it, and then find myself being slammed for a home run into some vacant lot. Might have to reconsider that option.

You can also choose to become an artificial reef by having your ashes dumped into the ocean as did some guy named “Big Al” did off of Pensacola Beach, Florida. Al is presently growing into coral as well as soft sponges. Considering he was an avid Harley-Davidson bike rider and his widow Susan still is around, she could perhaps harvest a few sponges when the time is ripe, take them home, and wash ol Al’s Harley with Al himself. Quite fitting don’t ya think.

I particularly like the touching story in the article of, as Time puts it, “Little Jason Engler.” When he was 12, his grandmother would take him to funeral homes to hang out on weekends. As most grandmothers do. Cripes, didn’t yours?

Eventually little Jason really got into hanging around funeral homes. He’d ride to cemeteries in the flower cars, vacuum the floors after services and would do whatever he could do to get his foot in the door. Why? Because little Jason wanted to become a funeral director. Doesn’t everybody?

Today little Jason, now 33 and no longer little, is the funeral director at the “Rollins Funeral Home” in northwest Arkansas and, I’m assuming, as happy as a cremated lark.

Which is why you should always use one of those pop-up timers

The article goes on forever and ever, unlike most of us, who will NOT go on forever and ever, and eventually meet Little Jason. So if you want the rest of the details involving cremation including who came up with this idea, costs, urn options, photos, various accessories, like you’d buy for your car, the entire process, (which mentions the word “food-processor) how the church feels about all this, as well a yet a newer way of getting rid of your sorry ass, pick up an issue of Time, for all the hot details.

Finally…..which is a nice choice of words considering this IS about death…..Finally, I thought of a really neat cremation option for someones ashes who may have been a heavy smoker.

A pack of “Dearly Departed” (insert loved ones name here) cigarettes.

Yes! Twenty king sized menthol or regular cigarettes made from your ashes that your loved ones could smoke in honor of your life. Not only do you get to feel and remember your dearly departed loved one, but you could also blow smoke into anyone’s face that he or she disliked.

“Hey ass***e. Ya know that smoke I just blew in yer face.”

“Yeah….what about it?”

“That was George tellin’ ya to go f**k yourself.”

Just sayin.”

DONATE: The MisfitWisdom PayPal donate link:
https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=J8JG8CBTRK5XL

Copyright 2013 MisfitWisdom RLV

DILLIGARA Header: chicjkart@cox.net

What Is It About “Obama” T-Shirts That Make People Want To Expose Themselves In Public?

Sooooo…..I was once again surfing the Internet for something to spark my creative mind, other than a good stiff drink, when I came across this headline:

“COPS: MAN WEARING OBAMA T-SHIRT EXPOSED SELF TO FEMALE WAL-MART SHOPPER.”

(photo below)

Um….wait a sec….oops…this is NOT the guy the cops are looking for. My bad. This is actually a photo of former Massachusetts Congressman Scott Brown. Sorry. I get things mixed up sometimes when I hear “exposing ones self” and automatically connect it to Congressmen.

Hey….easy mistake….THIS is the real guy the cops are looking for.

This immediately caught my attention because obviously THIS is a hot breaking scandal. Maybe even more scandalous that Benghazi, the IRS thing, listening to people’s phone calls and the fact that Google and a few other Internet companies may be sharing their information with the government. Maybe even more scandalous than, (gasp) Bill Clinton teaching Monica Lewinsky how to play the Oboe in a White House closet.

Then again….maybe it wasn’t an oboe

After all, a guy wearing a Obama 2008 T-Shirt and also exposing himself could lead directly to the top. Yep, right to the White House and Obama himself. Because we all know that ANYTHING that is associated with government scandals is all Obama’s fault. Just like EVERYTHING in the Bush White House was Dubya’s fault.

So now this guy walks into a Wal-Mart in Virginia wearing a Obama T-Shirt, whips out his Johnson, (most likely the same as the President has) in front of a woman, and she goes ballistic. Most likely due to the fact that any self-respecting pervert should have enough sense to wear at least a 2013 Obama T-shirt rather than an outdated 2008 T-Shirt.

Which would freak out any Wal-Mart shopper looking for the latest in pervert flashing clothing.

“Hey…if I’m gonna spend my hard-earned money in a Wal-Mart store and I see some guy demonstrating the latest clothing lines and flashing me his doo-dad to get my attention, I at least wanna have current merchandise ya damn jerks!”

Do ya think you’d be interested, or paying ANY attention to ANY guy, or woman who, say for instance, was wearing a Calvin Coolidge T-Shirt!  Well…um….maybe if it was a woman wearing a Calvin Coolidge T-Shirt and was exposing herself.

The next time I see some damn pervert wearing ANY T-Shirt with his rod hangin’ out, I got a bigger rod for him

Soooo. I then decided to look at the comments following this story just to see how other possible Wal-Mart shoppers may have felt about this guy flashing his Woody whilst wearing a Obama T-Shirt. Because…..we all know that this story would NEVER have even made it to the last page of your community PTA flyer had it not been for the fact that he was wearing a OBAMA T-Shirt.

So, here are some of the comments:

• • Reply · 1 · Like · 16 hours ago
• 

  Ortho Doc · Top Commenter · UMKC School of Dentistry

  Typical Obama voter.

  Reply · 110 · Like · Follow Post · Thursday at 6:53pm
• 

  Full Otto · Top Commenter · American School of Bangkok

  The pro-Ob*ma T-shirt is the only thing I find pornographic here.

  Reply · 93 · Like · Follow Post · Thursday at 6:13pm

  • 

    Will Malven · Top Commenter · Lsus

    Beat me to it!!!

    Reply · 2 · Like · 16 hours ago
• 

  Seeker Matt · Top Commenter · New York, New York

  who did this guy think he was, bill clinton?

  Reply · 91 · Like · Follow Post · Thursday at 7:04pm

  • 

    Jim Harrington Sr · Top Commenter · Lebanon, Connecticut

    Anthony Wiener, the Obama-endorsed mayoral candidate for NYC

    Reply · 59 · Like · Yesterday at 6:50am
  • 

    Ra Williams · Top Commenter

    Thought he was at BarneyFrankMart.

    Reply · 42 · Like · Yesterday at 8:32am
  • 

    Orlando Santana · Miami High School

    No, Bill Clinton did his best work while seating on his desk, n little Monica was under the desk!

    

    Realizing that today’s society is an “on the-go” society Monica adapts quickly

I sense a Congressional Investigation headed by Congressman Darrell Issa (R) California is on the horizon. I would have said that Newt Gingrich might have pressed for an investigation as well, but, considering he’s had his own “Newt” exposed while having an affair while still married, he might just pass on this one.

Now the fact that this idiot had on a Obama T-shirt is the only reason this story ever made it on to the internet in the first place. Do ya think if he was wearing a Mitch McConnell T-Shirt it would get this much attention?

Um….on second thought it just might. Only because who in their right mind would ever wear a T-Shirt with a photo of Mitch McConnell on it. I mean, take a look at this guys face…..would YOU be caught dead wearing this guys face on your chest? OR….the sweater he’s wearing.

Hmmm. I might be wrong on that one. Anyone wearing a Mitch McConnell T-shirt just might make it onto page one and the Internet if they were wearing it and they were caught doing ANYTHING.

I can see it now.

“COPS: WOMAN WEARING MITCH McCONNELL T-SHIRT EXPOSES HERSELF TO HUSBAND IN BEDROOM”

And it would be on page one because her husband would have suffered severe trauma from seeing her half-naked, getting all turned on, and then spotting the T-Shirt, and barfing instead.

The point to all this, if there actually is one, which I haven’t quite figured out yet, but, I’ll take a stab at it anyhow, is that if you’re caught doing anything immoral, stupid or threatening while wearing anything that either has Obama’s photo on it or his name, you’ll get attention all over the Internet and the rest of the media.

It’s as if Obama made you do it.  You know, the ol, “The Devil made me do it,” excuse.

In these instances, “Obama made me do it.”

Example of a case of:”The Devil Made Me Do it.”

“Sooooo Mr. Zoferndork. Tell the jury in your own words what possessed you to walk into a “Wendy’s” restaurant and whip out your doo dad in front of all those people?”

“Um, well yer honor. It was Obama that made me do it.”

“Hmm. You sayin’ that President Obama made you expose yourself in public.”

“Yep. That’s exactly correct. I was fine until I took off my jacket. Then people started to stare at me, including that little Wendy’s girl on my hamburger wrapper, and all of a sudden a sexual desire hit me like never before in my lifetime. I then realized it was the Obama effect.”

“The Obama effect?’

“Yep. Nobody EVER stared at me before, not even that little Wendy’s logo girl, who I personally think is really hot, and so right then and there I knew it had to be because I was wearing a Obama T-Shirt.”

“Well Mr. Zoferndork……based on the fact that I’ve personally read many stories of this occurring in public while people have committed crimes while wearing a Obama T-Shirt, I have no recourse than to set you free. Obviously you were under the influence of “Obamainitius. You’re free to go.”

So in conclusion folks, if you’re going to commit a crime, expose yourself in public, beat up your dog or cat, or just want attention for doing something really stupid, BUT, don’t wanna get blamed for it, OR just want to associate it with Obama for the hell of it, then wear a Obama T-Shirt. You’ll make the headlines every time.

I personally have several customized ”MisfitWisdom” T-Shirts that I wear constantly while making an idiot out of myself. Only because, like that guy wearing the Obama T-Shirt, I want the attention and hope the Internet and other media will notice me and I wind up on page one or at least on the internet.

Do ya think that works?

Nope.

The official “Expose Yourself In Public” MisfitWisdom T-Shirt

BUT….if I were to so much as walk into a Wal-Mart wearing my MW T-Shirt and whip out my Little Dickie you can bet the farm that the only place that story would appear would be in my local newspaper’s police log listings with the heading:

“COPS: ELDERLY PERVERT SUFFERING FROM DEMENTIA FLASHES WAL-MART GREETER.”

Unless, of course I altered my shirt inserting Obama’ photo in place of mine.

Considering that I’m actually NOT gonna do that, (I have an extreme phobia about prison cells and guys named Bruno sharing a cell with me) I’d be happy to send you one of my shirts to wear if you wanna pull some stupid stunt like exposing yourself.

Only because I wanna get some national attention by seeing the headline:

“COPS: WOMAN WEARING MISFITWISDOM T-SHIRT EXPOSED SELF TO MEN SHOPPERS IN WAL-MART.”

I said “woman” only because more people would pay attention to a woman exposing herself rather than some idiot hairy guy doing it.

Just sayn’.

DONATE: The MisfitWisdom PayPal donate link:
https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=ND23VNXMK9JZ2

Copyright 2013 MisfitWisdom RLV

DILLIGARA Header: Chickart@cox.net

Fair Warning: DO NOT Give Dad ANY Of These Gifts On Father’s Day.

And a record player that still plays 45 RPM’s

“Lucky Magazine,” and reporter Natalie Matthews, both whom I’ve never heard of, but, that’s beside the point, they probably haven’t heard of me either, have compiled a short list of gifts you should NEVER give your father on Father’s Day.

I tend to agree, and furthermore, if you do give any of these gifts to your dad, he should immediately state that he has no knowledge of who the hell you are, or beat the livin’ crap outta you. No jury would ever convict a father receiving any of these next gifts listed.

And…..stud muffin

1. Hair Loss Remedies: The article suggests that even if he needs it, save it for an everyday gift. Not for Father’s Day. Like perhaps when you’re finding his damn hair all over the carpet, floors, sofas, bathroom sinks and on your baloney sandwich. They suggest that maybe a cool baseball cap might be a better option if his hair loss is really an issue. Or a can of spray paint.

The only instance where a “comb-over” actually might work

2. A Back Shaver: WHAT! Who in their right freakin’ mind would give their father a back shaver besides The Hunchback of Notre Dame’s kids. Or, the children of San Francisco Giants baseball pitcher Brian Wilson.

Hey…great gift….I use it on my palms too.

Um….how exactly do ya shave your back with a back shaver anyhow? Unless you’re a contortionist, have reallllly long arms, and can scratch an itch on your back with no problem. My better suggestion. A gold-plated embossed with his initials back scratcher. Hey……with all that hair he’s gotta have the need for one of those.

3. Cologne: They suggest letting dad pick put his own scent. Or, giving him a travel-sized kit with various scents. Because most men think that cologne is a personal thing.

Unless of course you really hate your dad, which many children do in this day and age, and rather than come right out and tell him your feelings, you could do it with a more subtle approach. Like “eu de toilette of skunk cologne.” Or perhaps “Yves St. du Swill.” Another popular fragrance which will give him the message that you’re thinking of him on Father’s Day, but only for a second, “Jovan White Mouse,” or “Shalimar’s Essence of Barf.”

Then again, if you really like your dad, the perfect gift would be a hooker wearing his favorite cologne. Even if you err and it’s NOT his favorite cologne he won’t give a rats ass. Just hers.

Um….do ya have anything that smells like meatloaf?

4. Aprons: APRONS!  APRONS!!! REALLY!  Again, you’d have to be insane to give your dad an apron on Father’s day. Whaddya nuts! You give him a freakin’ apron and he’s gonna wear it when he hacks you to death if you’re that stupid. And in this instance, as in an earlier one, no jury is gonna convict that dad.

A ##!&^%^$#@ apron.

I personally think that if any kid gives their father an apron for Father’s day should face a firing squad or, at the least, be seriously flogged. Kids are NEVER too old to be flogged. Not enough flogging of kids going on today. Which is why there’s so many juvenile delinquents running rampant all over the place. Good flogging never hurt anyone. Just ask Zorro’s father.

5. Fancy Desk Accessories: Natalie says in her article that, “it’s an understandable thought when Dad is the definition of “The Man Who has Everything.” But he’d probably want something more fun to play with in  his office, like a toy drone helicopter or a desktop record player.”

Hmmm. Something to play with in his office. Um, forget the toy drone helicopter and the desktop record player. Instead, how about going to one of those temporary employment agencies and hiring a neat toy for your dad…..a secretary. Like the one pictured below. Beats playing with a drone or a record player.

“Dicktation? Dicktation? Ohhhhhhh……DICKTATION! Ohhhh Mr. Frosnick, you’re sooooo naughty.”

6. # 1 Dad Anything: Meaning ANYTHING that has the saying, “# 1 Dad” on it. Unless of course it’s scribbled on the back of a thousand dollar bill. Or, ten one hundred-dollar bills. Or a check. They all work for me. Bet for every other dad on the planet too.

And….the final gift you should NEVER give your father on Father’s Day……………………

Yep, you guessed it correctly.

The dreaded necktie.

The perfect subtle approach

Look. Besides being the most lame Father’s Day gift on the face of the Earth and beyond, (even space aliens do not give other space aliens neckties) ties were invented in the 1600′s by a bunch of Croatians who just invented it so that they wouldn’t have to carry napkins around with them and simply preferred to tie a piece of cloth around their necks to wipe their faces with after eating very messy Croatian road kill.

I personally think it was carried over into the U.S. back in the old Wild West days when they used to hang cattle rustlers and bank robbers and they didn’t have any really good hanging rope. So they used cloth strung together from their shirt sleeves to hang them varmints, and, one really smart entrepreneur said to himself, “Goleeee, that there hangin’ varmint sure looks good dead an all with that cloth hangin’ around his neck.”

And at that point invented the necktie.

He, himself, was shortly hanged thereafter by a bunch of anti-tie vigilantes for inventing such a stupid piece of clothing that all women loved and men hated.

The anti-necktie vigilantes of the Old West

Which is why you should NEVER give your dad a freakin’ necktie or any of these other lame gifts for Father’s Day.

Otherwise, if you do, nobody’s gonna feel sorry for your sorry butt if they find you hanging from a tree too…………..with a necktie around your neck.

Just sayin.’

DONATE: The MisfitWisdom PayPal donate link:
https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=2KSLTB3GYDE2L

Copyright 2013 MisfitWisdom RLV

DILLIGARA Header: chickart@cox.net

WHAT! Google and Other Sites Are Also Sharing My Information? WTF!

Nope. If you Google, “Anything,” it may sound suspicious too

The fact that Google and other sites are sharing my personal information, along with the government, my two ex wives, the mailman and my next door neighbor, doesn’t bother me at all.

Why you ask? Because my life is so freakin’ boring I actually want anyone, someone, whoever, to share my personal information. Why do ya think I write this stinkin’ blog every single day. So I can get some attention for cripes sake!

They wanna monitor my daily activities….I say….bring it on.

And you wondered why they called it the “iPhone.”

For instance. I arose this morning, stumbled into the bathroom, peed, and then washed my hands, looked into the mirror, and once again said to myself, “Who the f**k is that old geezer looking back at me in the mirror.” Monitor THAT NSA!

(I did check my mirror for hidden cameras)

Then scarfed down a slice of toast and coffee, stumbled into the MisfitWisdom blog office, (a spare bedroom, but, it’s an office to me) and posted my blog links. (at which point several Internet spies picked up on my use of the word “mega” which in turn they alerted the IRS just in case I was writing about hitting a ”Megabucks” jackpot and didn’t report it to the IRS)

Don’t forget mosquitos and gnats too.

Then, having free slot play at my local casino, (doesn’t everybody have a local casino in their neighborhood) I drove there and proceeded to play my $10 free slot play. Which took approximately 3 minutes. (It was at this point I noticed the casino cameras recording my every move just in case I hit a huge jackpot, at which point, they too would notify the IRS)

(I frequently invoke the “bird gesture” when spotting cameras in the casino elevators and on the casino floor……just to brighten up those security people locked in an office somewhere and are very bored)

Then, not having hit a jackpot, I ventured off with my other half to get our free complimentary coffee and pastry courtesy of the casino. Once again I could see cameras watching me, (which is why I did not rip off any “Splenda”) and simply played it cool so as not to arouse suspicion. (my other half did rip off extra Splenda while I distracted the surveillance camera by scratching my crotch but we did not use the ripped off packets in our coffee lest those cameras catch me using more than the allotted amount)

He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake. Unless of course you don’t believe in Santa Claus….then it’s ok.

I then drove to my local convenience store, bought a lottery ticket, and once again noticed a camera peering over my shoulder. Obviously to see what numbers I was playing, which the government then plays, and actually hits a jackpot. But, not necessarily on MY numbers, but some other persons numbers who just happened to have a winning Powerball ticket. (the government always wins when somebody else wins and THEY don’t even buy any lottery tickets) Bastards.

On the drive back home crossing a bridge I noticed, as I have for the gazillionth time, a lone seagull sitting atop a lamppost. I thought this kind of suspicious considering it was pouring rain and any self-respecting seagull would not be sitting on a lamppost in the pouring rain. I suspect this particular seagull was recruited by the government and was equipped with a camera as well as it appeared to be preening itself, but in reality it was making a note of my license plate.

I have my suspicions about this seagull

I simply waved just to let them government people know they aren’t fooling me. I didn’t fall off the avocado boat yesterday ya know.

Once back home I decided to check my bank account. Knowing full well that the government knows every move I make. Like if I went to my savings account and transferred money to my checking account, jusssst in case they thought I was hiding money in my secret savings account and then could catch me moving money around.

BUSTED!

Now, because they monitor my phone line, and bank activity, they now know I transferred $10 from my savings account to my checking account for a grand total of $10.98. I confess, I secretly stashed that $10 I won at the casino last week without notifying the IRS about it. I expect a letter from them within the next week wanting to conduct an audit.

It was shortly after arriving home that I realized that indeed that seagull WAS working for the NSA

I basically wasted the rest of the afternoon by catching a cat nap, but not before setting my computer search bar to search for naked photos of Betty White while I snorked. Drives those anti-porn people absolutely nuts. You know how they like to raid people’s houses and haul off their computers hoping to find naked photos of Betty White.

I actually did find one, printed it, then destroyed my computer, hard drive and modem. Lest they do raid my house and seize my computer.

I then mailed the photo of Betty White to a secret post office box in the Cayman Islands. Which….is where I’ll go when I hit Powerball immediately after cashing the check before the IRS comes after me for their cut of the winnings. Should I never hit Powerball, Edwardo, the 80 year-old guy who takes care of my post office box and sorts out my mail is really gonna like not having to give up that photo naked photo of Betty White.

As you can see, Edwardo always protects my interests. Take THAT NSA!

As the evening approached, my other half and I watched a Red Sox baseball game while still searching for the listening devices that we both agree is planted somewhere out on our enclosed patio. This based on the fact that there are way too many inputs for my liking on our HDTV set that appear to be of no use, along with the fact that if I so much as comment on a play during the baseball game, ten seconds later, Don Orsillo, the Red Sox announcer says the very same thing.

Ditch the football Charlie Brown….it’s a surveillance camera! And Lucy is a freakin’ spy.

So, does it bother me that the government along with everybody else is monitoring me? Nope. I got nothin’ to hide ya damn snoops.

As for the rest of you out there who are going bonkers because you think your every move is being monitored by the government, if you’re not hiding something, what the hell are you afraid of. Or, to quote a famous quote: “What’s in YOUR wallet.” (Capital One Government Surveillance Team)

If it’s condoms, no problem. Government doesn’t give a rats ass who you’re screwing……as long as it’s safe sex. And not Monica Lewinsky.

UNLESS……they catch you screwing someone, preferably a female, who works for the CIA, FBI, NSA, or some other government agency that has sensitive boobs…um….sorry, I meant sensitive information, and during the heat of passion yells out something like, “OMG….OMG….OMG……honeeee you were fantastic and that’s the best sex I’ve had since I was bugging the Russian Embassy last week and this guy Boris hit on me.”

THEN…..you might have a problem Houston.

Just sayin.’

DONATE: The MisfitWisdom PayPal doante link…(which is not bugged)
https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=CYQ7KCPPWRBEA

Copyright 2013 MisfitWisdom RLV

DILLIGARA Header: chickart@cox.net

Domino’s Pizza Drones! OMG!!! We’re Doomed I Tell Ya….Doomed!

Except when they’re delivering pizzas Tommy.

OK all you damn government paranoia freaks who think the government is spying on all of us. Um….you may be right. But, I for one, as I’ve said before, don’t give a rats ass if they spy on me. Because my life is so freakin’ boring they’d all fall asleep watching whatever I do. Which is usually nothing.

BUT…..while you’re worrying about the government spying on you, how about “Domino’s Pizza!!!” Yes….Domino”s Pizza for cripes sake.  Oh sure, you’re saying to yourselves. What, are you freakin’ nuts? Domino’s Pizza spying on citizens. HAH!

But…it’s true I tell ya….true!

I got this story buried on page 1,456 of “CNN Money” in verrrrry small print. So that most of us would not notice it. Even “Wikileaks” and that guy hiding in China, Edward Snowden didn’t even reveal this startling news story. WTF!

So here it is. Domino’s Pizza is going to use drones to deliver pizzas. YES! Drones, as in drones the government uses to knock the bejesus outta terrorists and occasionally peep into bedroom windows when there’s no terrorists to find.

And it’s zooming in on your balls………

Think I’m kidding. Well all of you Doubting Thomases, and Dicks and Harrys, here’s an actual exclusive photo, (which I copied from CNNMoney) for all of you to fret over:

Oh sure, it looks innocent enough, but how do ya really know there’s a pizza in that container and not some really short member of your town’s SWAT team ready to take you out.

SEE! Now go ahead and laugh at me for reporting this. I may be saving all of your lives from being attacked by a pepperoni pizza when you least expect it. Maybe even a hot sausage and pepper grinder. You can thank me later.

CNNMoney says that perhaps this may be just a publicity stunt as this photo was taken in the United Kingdom. And we all know how those Brits like to put one over on us Yanks. But…..how do we really know what the hell is going on?

Consider this. A spokesman for the Michigan based pizza company confirmed that the concept is, “the brainchild of our independent master franchise company in the UK.”

Domino’s “independent master brainchild franchise” also experimented with their new Domino’s concept delivery boy

Yeah! So there! And, the digital media company “T and Biscuits,” (really lame name for a company) partnered with drone firm “Aerosight” to bring the idea to life.

I’m tellin’ ya, it’s a plot to invade America under the guise of ordering a pizza. Pay attention here!

But there’s more if you’re still doubting all this drone stuff.

A similar idea called the “TacoCopter,” an app that would dispatch a drone to deliver a taco to your door went viral last year. However, that was deemed illegal under “U. S. Federal Aviation Administration” rules which ban tacos from flying in restricted air space.

Um…wait….that should read, “which ban unmanned aircraft like drones from being used for “commercial purposes.” Meaning, that it’s ok if you wanna use a drone to hunt down and kill terrorists as long as you’re not getting paid for it, hence the “commercial purposes.”

However, if you wanna use a drone to simply deliver a pizza or a taco to a terrorist, are not getting paid to deliver it, and are just doing it out of the kindness of your heart, because you feel sorry for terrorists out there in the desert having no access to pizzas and tacos, then….that’s perfectly legal.

If I’m reading the FAA rules about commercial drone flying correctly that is.

Which obviously was before Domino’s started using drones which are much faster when delivering pizzas

Presently Domino’s spokesman Tim McIntyre says that, “this has nothing to do with us here in the U.S. and we have no plans to pursue this idea.” Yeah, like I’m gonna believe any spokesman for any company……like a spokesman for the government. Ya can’t trust those SOB’s.

A Domino’s press release from the UK talked about how this drone, called the “DomiCopter” could fit the bill for innovative ways to deliver pizza. AND…he admitted they have a, (gasp) “Domino’s Flight Academy” rumored to be in the pipeline should the DomiCopter delivery service take off.

Hmmm. Wonder what their uniforms would look like. Maybe a Domino’s patch consisting of a pizza with pepperoni sewed on their sleeves and some shredded cheese on their shoulders which would depict the rank of the drone Captain or something.

Obviously the “Domino’s” domino logo would have to go south. Perhaps replacing it with a flying pizza, or grinder.

“OK Fergenbush, straighten up there. Look sharp. You’re in the “Domino’s Flight Academy” now. Not back home in some other cheesy pizza place ya know!”

It was shortly afterwards that the delivery boy for Sea World in Orlando lost his job

So all of this is pretty scary. I mean, just how does a Domino’s drone knock on your door when delivering a pizza?  Does it just hover over your front lawn, make a few beeping sounds, and drop it?  Does it land on your roof and you have to climb up there to fetch it? Will it still be a hot pizza considering those rotor blades are whirring around which tends to have a cooling effect on pizzas? AND…if by chance it crashes, does the “Federal Aviation Administration” have to be called in to investigate.

And, if they do, does that mean your pizza then becomes evidence and you don’t get it?

“Sir, this is a pretty messy scene here. I’m not sure you really wanna see this.

“Whaddya talkin’ about inspector Frebus?”

“Sir, it’s really gory. Pizza parts all over the place, sauce on everything, and it’s sooooo bad we can’t even identify the pepperoni from the sausage.”

“Ugh….I think I’m gonna barf.”

Exclusive MisfitWisdom photo of a Domino’s pizza delivery drone crash. Note rescue workers attempting to locate pepperoni and sausage parts

Sounds kinda like a risky deal if ya ask me. I don’t give a damn about the copter drone crashing, but I sure as hell want my freakin’ pizza if it does.

HEY! If I ordered a pizza from Domino’s and they put it on my debit or credit card, again…..I want my f**king pizza!

The only option I see here folks, just in case it crashes, is to run like hell, grab your pizza, and when the FAA investigators arrive just tell them a bunch of mad dogs ran off with it.

THEN…..you can relax in your kitchen munching on a really good pizza while watching all the activity just outside your door.

If it actually WAS a Domino’s Pizza Delivery drone and not a government drone that is.

In that case, if it WAS a government drone and you scarfed up some of its parts to sell on eBay…….forget it….or your gonna get screwed because the government will prosecute your ass, send you to a Federal prison and you’ll never see another pizza again in your lifetime.

Unless Domino’s cuts a deal with the government to use their drones to deliver their pizzas to Federal prisons when the government isn’t using them to hunt down terrorists.

Just sayin.’

DONATE: The MisfitWisdom PayPal donate link:
https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=YXCM45ZMRSJM2

Copyright 2013 MisfitWisdom RLV

DILLIGARA Header: chickart@cox.net