Dogs Finally Gain Some Respectability In Spain

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Soreeeee……just give it a sec to air out

You all remember that old Rodney Dangerfield line, “I don’t get any respect.” Well, for dogs in Madrid, Spain, they’re finally getting respect.

No more having to poop in places that make people go, yuk. Which has always been a problem for dogs because they never had the amenities that we humans have. Which are bathroom facilities.

I mean, think about it for a minute. What if YOU had to drop your pants and poop or urinate just any old place. Yeah, how’d YOU like to go through life doing that!

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Fire hydrants come in handy too

No wonder dogs haven’t gotten the full respect they so much deserve.

Well, in Madrid, Spain they’ve finally realized, as that old philosopher Mitt Romney once said, “Dogs are people too.”

Apparently this is just an issue with dogs and not cats.

Oh great, now WTF are WE supposed to do?

Oh great, now WTF are WE supposed to do?

As reported by the website “Springwise.com” dog littering has been a problem in that country for some time. Which basically means that Spain apparently has a lot of dogs that poop.

It’s become such a major problem, dog poop that is, that “Madrid’s Cacas Express,” (nothing similar to a Federal Express) recently took extreme measures to make their point.

Which is, do not leave your dog poop just lying around you idiots.

mmmmmm

This also applies to Centaurs

Sooooo, what do the officials do. Why scoff up any dog poop they find and mail it to the dogs owners.

Which raises the all important question. How exactly do ya determine who a dog’s poop belongs to? Forensic testing I guess. Who TF knows. But I certainly would NOT want THAT job.

Nor would I want to be a mailman delivering dog poop to a dog owner on a hot summer day.

A Great Dane just used this!!!!!!!!

A Great Dane just used this!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile back in the dog poop forensic lab….similar to our CSI Labs…….

“Hey Eduardo, what say you and I take a lunch break and stroll through the park and catch a few rays.”

“Oh geez Julio, I’d really like to go with ya but I’m up to my butt in dog poop today.”

“But Eduardo, getting outta this lab might do ya some good. Besides, it reeks to the high heavens in here….whew!”

“Yeah, I know, and I appreciate your offer, but I’d go to the park with ya, and spot some dog pooping, and it’s like, WTF, I can’t get away from my work.”

Sooooo, what to do?

Well, obviously the best solution to this problem is to provide doggies with a place to poop and pee, other than on grass, sidewalks and in playgrounds.

Spain has come up with the great idea of providing public dog toilets along various streets. How neat is that!pot4

“Devised by Enric Girona, the machines have been donated to the town of El Vendrell to make it easier for owners to get rid of dog waste. The toilet points feature two separate machines, one for number one’s and one for number two’s.”

Hopefully dogs know the difference between “number ones’” and “number twos” when they use these toilets.  As well as carry some loose change to deposit in the slot to enter the toilet. I’m assuming these toilets are not free.

Only because I’m sure Spain authorities have also considered that any self-respecting dog is gonna want toilet paper as well in those units. So, charging dogs to use them would seem logical to me.

Spain dog toilets courtesy of "Springwise.com"

Spain dog toilets courtesy of “Springwise.com”

How does this toilet actually work you ask?

Well it  features a grid to simply drain the urine underground, along with a rinser. The second uses a hole with a lid that dogs squat over to do their business, and owners then press a button to flush the excrement away.

Which means that you have to accompany your dog into the toilet while he or she poops. Something I’d be looking forward to. Not to mention, but I will, how the hell do ya get a dog to squat over a toilet opening?pot10

Girona said that depending on the success of the trial, the machines may go into production and exported to other cities with poo problems.

Sooooo, what do I sense is on the horizon here?

Simple. Ya know when you go to those concerts in the park, or to a state fair, or any other outdoor activity and they have those “Port-A-Potties” all over the place. You know, the ones where hundreds of women are waiting in line while the ones for men never have a line. Yep, the same kinda lines you see at regular public restrooms where the men are standing outside waiting for the women.

mmmmmm

I rest my case

Wellllll. Now I see the same thing happening with dogs. Yep, female dogs waiting in line for an empty “Port-A-Pooch Pooper” while there are no male dogs standing outside of the ones for men.

Thanks Spain

Now we not only have to wait for our spouses to get outta the pooper, but our dogs as well. Damn!!!!.

Just sayin.’

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Instructions On How NOT To Rob A Bank

 

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Lesson # 1: When robbing a bank is not a good idea

I’m smart enough to know that if my other half asks me that tricky question that all women ask men, which is, “Does this dress make me look fat,” I’m either gonna lie my ass off or, when she’s trying on clothes, beat feet to the other end of the store.

But, that said, I’m not so stupid that I’d come up with a plan to pull a bank robbery, then not wear a mask, wear a t-shirt with my name on it, and park my car outside of the bank with my actual license plate in full view.

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Bank robber John David Martinez. Minus his mask.

Geez, where was this guy when they were casting parts for the movie “Dumb and Dumber?”

Lesson # 2: When robbing a bank is not a good idea

Lesson # 2: When robbing a bank is not a good idea

So, this guy, obviously a candidate for Mensa, 68 year-old John David Martinez, walked into a bank in Denver, Colorado wearing a black t-shirt with his first name on it and, I guess, figured, WTF, easy bank job.

He walked up to a teller’s window and handed over a dark zippered bag and said to the teller, “Dis isa robbrie, gif me da monee.”

Um, no, but lacking a few crayons out of his box I figured that’s how he might have sounded.

After he made two tellers fill the bag with money he left the bank, got into his Honda and drove off. Never thinking that perhaps the fact that he wasn’t wearing a mask, had his name on his shirt, and that the Honda was registered in his name might just be a clue for the police to track him down. Duh.

Lesson # 3: When robbing a bank is not a good idea

Lesson # 3: When robbing a bank is not a good idea

FBI agents tracked down this guy at a local Ramada Inn, the choice inn for any respectable bank robber, and promptly arrested his butt.

His reason for robbing the bank. Martinez said that he and his wife had been evicted from their home three weeks ago and they’d moved into the Ramada Inn three days earlier.

Which, as far as I’m concerned, is reason enough to rob any bank. Gezz, if I had to live at a Ramada Inn I’d be robbing banks left and right.

Not that Ramada Inns are bad mind you, but, as Dorothy said in the Wizard of Oz, “There’s no place like home.”

Now it’s not like this guy hasn’t done this type of thing before.

He’s had  prior arrests for assault with a deadly weapon, forgery, criminal impersonation, DUI hit and run and resisting arrest, according to the Colorado Bureau of Investigation.

Obviously a failure at being a professional criminal.

mmmm

Lesson # 4: The only time you do not have to wear a mask

Now the guy was staying at the Ramada Inn with his wife after being evicted from their home. So, you would have thought, being a loving and caring wife, that she at least would have told him not to forget his mask when he set out to rob that bank.

After all, when ya think about it, don’t most of us get a, “Have a nice day dear, and don’t forget to wear your mask,” send off if we were going to rob a bank?

The equivalent of your spouse saying to you, “Have a nice day dear.”

But noooo. She lets him walk out the door with no mask AND wearing a t-shirt with his freakin’ name on it! He might as well have worn one of those high school reunion tags that said, “Hi, My name is John. I’m a bank robber.”

At least it might have comforted the bank tellers a bit by being able to address the bank robber by his first name AND knowing right off the bat that he WAS a bank robber. Professional courtesy ya know.

Soooo honeeee, I'm off to rob a bank....is there anything I should remember?

Soooo honeeee, I’m off to rob a bank….is there anything I should remember?

I personally don’t think this guy has a future as a professional bank robber. My guess anyhow.

Maybe, when he gets his butt outta jail in a few years, he could pitch Ramada Inn’s in a TV ad for the hotel chain.

“Hi, my name is John, and when I rob a bank, my hotel of choice to hide out in is Ramada Inn.”

Or perhaps Honda might take advantage of John, considering he was driving a Silver Honda when he was robbing the bank.

“The 2014 Honda Civic, recommended by bank robbers as the fastest get-a-way car by 9 out of 10 professional bank robbers.” Here’s a customer testimonial: “Hi, my name is John, and I recommend the 2014 Honda Civic if you’re planning to rob a bank. Just remember to wear a mask and use a fake license plate.”

Lesson # 4: Never ask the woman bank clerk out on a date when your working

Lesson # 5: Never ask the woman bank clerk out on a date when your working

So, all in all it wasn’t a good day for Mr. Martinez. Gets evicted from his home. Moves into a Ramada Inn with his wife. Robs a bank. gets caught, and now will have to go to jail. Had he paid attention in high school in Bank Robbery 101 class he might have had lucrative career in bank robbing.

Where the most important lesson in robbing a bank is, always wear a mask, NEVER have your name on your shirt while robbing a bank, and borrow someone else’s car.

The only time you don't have to worry about a license plate for your get a way vehicle

The only time you don’t have to worry about the police tracing your license plate for your get-a-way vehicle

Just sayin.

 

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Biggggg Story………………Literally.

Stumbling over to my computer this morning searching the Internet for breaking news, other than Obama is considering buying a home in California which is making Obama hating trolls go berserk, I did manage to come across something else that was more earth shattering.

The story about a model from Idaho who is becoming a huge success making a lot of money dwarfing small men.

(this story has nothing to do with Snow White’s Seven Dwarfs)

Um....just to set the tone for today's blog.....

Um….just to set the tone for today’s blog…..(NOTE) This is not a photo of the woman named in this story)

And, considering Amanda, 38,  (last name not provided) is 6 feet 3 inches tall, has 63 inch hips and a 44DD bust, me thinkith I, standing at 5 feet 4 inches tall, (no bust) would definitely be dwarfed by this woman. Or smothered and never heard from again.

But, apparently there are guys out there that desire this type woman along with modeling agencies who are knocking on her door according to the site “Orange.com”

Amanda says that there is a subculture of short-men, (which I resemble) who love being with super-sized women. Me not being one of them because I value my life.

Cripes, if I so much as left the toilet seat up while living with a super-sized woman do ya have any idea what she could do to me?

Hey honeee.....if ya got it, flaunt it

Hey honeee…..if ya got it, flaunt it

But, like I always say, there’s always someone for everyone. Depends on your taste in women. And there’s nothing wrong with being a super-sized woman. In fact, the only drawback as far as I can determine, if you’re a small guy, is if you actually sleep with a super-sized woman and she rolls over on you in the middle of the night.

Other than that, if that’s your type of woman go for it. There are a lot of super-sized women out there who are really knockouts.

Amanda got the idea of becoming  super-sized model after a friend told her that she should become an “Amazon” model because there were guys who loved big women. And when she searched the Internet she found a website showing huge women towering over little guys, and said to herself, “I could do that.”

The first image that comes to my mind of an Amazon type woman

The first image that comes to my mind of an Amazon type woman

 

However, something like this image that comes into my mind if "I" were with an Amazon woman

However, something like this image would come into my mind if “I” were with an Amazon woman

Now I know what all of you are thinking. This has to be leading to sex capades.

Well, you’d be wrong.

According to Amanda despite the sexual nature of her work, (sitting or snuggling with little men) she says that nothing sexual ever takes place between her and her clients.

I’m thinking maybe because she actually did roll over on top of them, the guys being so small,  none of them survived. My guess anyhow.

Unless she also has one of those sex alarm devices……………women3

She said: “Although some of my clients get aroused during the sessions, I’m never naked and there is never any sex involved.”

Hmmmm.

Yep....nothing sexual going on here

Yep….nothing sexual going on here

Now let me see if I understand this correctly.

And I’m simply going by what information I got out of this story, and the photo of Amanda with that guy shown above. Who seems to be gasping for air, while at the same time enjoying himself….I think.

Amanda is hired to be with small guys who love big women and gets to crawl all over them and do whatever but nothing sexual takes place?

Ok, um……sure, I’ll buy that.

Just like I buy going into a house of ill repute and telling my friends the next day that all I did was discuss politics.

Then again, I think politicians use that same line of defense when they’re caught doing the same thing.

mmmm

Cripes, I’d vote for him

But, Amanda did say the following, “”As far as fetish work goes I’m considered a prude.”

Sooooo, I guess we have to believe her when it comes to her “no sex involved” claim.

Again, after observing that photo, to me, it seems perfectly logical to assume that there would be absolutely no hint of anything sexual taking place.

Murder by being smothered to death maybe, but definitely no sex involved. And, of course, if that guy actually did smother to death, as appears may be the case in that photo, she’d get off being charged.

After all, the guy did ask for it.

I personally think all women are sexy….super sized or mini sized. But, as I said earlier, being very close to being a dwarf, I’d kinda look like this……..

mmmmmm

Happens to me all the time

So, in conclusion, if you are one of the many millions of men who like full-sized women such as Amanda, you might wanna look her up. Maybe she has a friend or two.

However, just as a precaution, should you wish to live a long and lasting life here on Earth, might wanna bring an oxygen tank or two along with you…..just to be on the safe side.

Just sayin.’

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NOW WTF Did Barbie Do?

I’m tellin’ ya folks. That damn Barbie is constantly getting herself in the news lately, just like Lindsay Lohan. Always surrounded by controversy.

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Oh Noooooo! WAIT! This isn’t the controversy.

Now “Parade Magazine” and investigative reporter Ashleigh Schmitz have the latest controversy surrounding this brat.

See what happens when you’re a huge celebrity and it all goes to your head.

So, WTF kinda mess has she gotten herself into now? Besides strutting her stuff on the cover of “Sports Illustrated.”barbie cover2

(A mock-up cover of Barbie on a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is displayed at the Mattel booth at the American International Toy Fair in New York. A few weeks after her foray into the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, Barbie is entangled in controversy again, this time over her ties with the Girl Scouts.(AP Photo)

Apparently consumer groups are all up in arms and legs, (plastic ones) that Barbie will be wearing a, (gasp) Girl Scout uniform. Holy crap!!! A Girl scout uniform. How freakin’ perverted is THAT!!!

I mean, take a look at how she’ll look dressed in these provocative Girl Scout uniforms.

(WARNING:Do not let your children see these photos lest they be traumatized for life.)

OMG! The depravation of it all

OMG! Simply disgusting. But, I DO like her cookies

According to Susan Linn, director of “Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood” in an interview with the Associated Press, she said, “ “Holding Barbie, the quintessential fashion doll, up as a role model for Girl Scouts simultaneously sexualizes young girls, idealizes an impossible body type, and undermines the Girl Scouts’ vital mission to build ‘girls of courage, confidence and character.”

mmm

Yeah, but think of the “confidence” it would build

Here’s a quote from the AP article:

 

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OMFG! I Almost Missed It! Yes, It’s “National Moth Week!”

I’m tellin ya, if it were not for the Internet I’d be missing out on some really great events. Like “National Moth Week.”

One reason to honor moths this week

One reason to honor moths this week

Yep, this week we honor moths. Why you ask? To which I would respond, “Who the f**k knows.”

But, apparently, whoever thought about having a “National Moth Week,” knows and they’re giving all of us a reason to celebrate moths this week. Perhaps by adopting a moth or two and letting it enjoy itself in your closet this week rummaging through all of your moth loving clothes. Who knows?

Personally I’d be happy to honor National Moth Week by bringing a few home just to amuse my 3 cats. They love moths.

mmmm

“Fancy Feast Moth Appetizers.” Available at your local Stop & Shop

But, here’s what the site “Care2.com” says that we should know about moths and why they deserve to be honored this week.

(NOTE) You know at some point there’s gonna be a “moth balls” joke in here somewhere…..just  sayin’)

Um, ok….sooner than later………….moth4

So here’s what “Care2.com” and moth reporter Mindy Townsend cite as reasons we should all honor moths this week. Here’s their headline to the story and the introduction in quotes:

“5 Amazing Facts that Will Make You Love Moths”

“When was the last time you sat down and appreciated the humble moth? I know moths, at least where I live, tend to be a little drab, but they’re actually fascinating creatures. Luckily, it’s National Moth Week, so you have an excuse to get outside and investigate moths in all their glory!”

Yep……thanks for the tip Mindy. Marking that as my top priority of things to do today.

“You can find an event in your area or you can set out some bait and see what shows up because, as the following facts show, moths are as diverse, strange and beautiful as any other insect.”

Oh yeah…..I just looked at the “events” section of my local newspaper and here it is. “Celebrate National Moth Week.”  Bring the entire family for a fun-filled week of moth bonding. Closets will be set up on the field and for just $1.00 admission you can spend 20 minutes in a closed closet bonding with a moth. Wear wool.”

Sorry....last "moth ball" joke....I promise. (fingers crossed)

Sorry….last “moth ball” joke….I promise. (fingers crossed)

Soooo, why should we appreciate moths and what are these “amazing” facts according to Mindy and Care2.com. Well, here’s some excerpts from the story, (in quotes)  and, of course, my input.

1. Moths get bigger than you might think. And also smaller.

The Atlas moth is considered to be the largest moth, with a wingspan of about 10 inches. Lay your hands down side-by-side on a table so your thumbs are touching. The Atlas moth’s wingspan is a little bigger than that. It also has a surface area of 62 square inches. That is one enormous moth.”

Um, ya mean kinda like THIS one?

Aghhhhhhhhhhh!

Aghhhhhhhhhhh!

In all fairness, Mindy points out:

“If moths can be super big, they can also be super small. Very super small. A yet to be described moth from the Democratic Republic of the Congo was discovered in 2012. It’s only 1 mm long with a wingspan of 2 to 2.5 mm.

But can still eat you alive…..just slower.moth7

2. Moths helped show that natural selection actually happens.

“Evolution is a scientific fact, and it just so happens that the humble moth helped illustrate the mechanism of evolution, by which I mean natural selection.”

“Peppered moths live all over the world and they come in light and dark varieties. In England in the 1950s, coal dust was getting all over everything, including trees. The trees in question naturally had white-ish bark. Thanks to a good coal-dusting, the bark was now black. The light peppered moths were then easier for birds to spot and therefore catch and eat. The population of light moths decreased while the population of black moths increased because their dark color was better camouflage. As Britain made air quality better, the trees went from black to white again, and black peppered moths became rarer and light peppered moths became common.  It’s hard to find a more stark example of how natural selection works than that.”

Like I’ve always said. If you’re gonna eat a moth they taste a hell of a lot better with pepper. Maybe some hot sauce or at least catsup.She was 'bright'. He kept it 'light'. They couldn't help but be attracted to each other.

3. Moths are masters of disguise.

“There are some types of moths that are actually really good at disguising themselves as their scarier insect brethren. For example, both moths from genus Cosmosoma and from the family Sesiidae mimic wasps.”

Hey….thanks for THAT tip Mindy. Next time I see a wasp comin’ at me I’ll make sure I check it out first very closely before I smash the bejesus outta it. Um, does it come with some sort of “moth insignia” so I can tell the difference?moth2

4. Some moths have no mouths and don’t eat.

This should be interesting…………

“It sounds weird but it’s totally true. While some moths do suck nectar and are important pollinators, others don’t have a mouth at all. For example, the Atlas moth mentioned earlier has no mouth, neither does the luna moth. As such, these gorgeous (and big) moths only live for about a week. Their sole function in this phase of their lives is reproduction.”

Ok….is THIS moth every guys dream if there is such a thing as reincarnation and ya come back as a moth. I mean, think about it guys. Moths do not have a mouth and doesn’t need to eat AND, all it does is…….pay attention here, is have sex with other moths. How great a life is that if you’re a moth!!!

And, on top of that, ya never have to answer that question that all females ask males, “Do these wings make me look fat?”

mmmmm

8th inning: Moths 5, worms 4

5. There are nine times more species of moths than butterflies.

“Even though butterflies get a lot more press, there are far fewer species than their similar cousins. There are about 17,500 known species of butterfly and, while that’s a lot, there are 160,000 known species of moth.”

And you thought YOU had a boring job. What about the guy whose job it was to count all those moths and butterflies.

“Hey Marvin, how’s the counting moths job goin?”

“Ohhh, not bad Ralph. I’m up to 159,999 with one more to go and I’m done.”

“SWAT!!!!!!!!”

“OMFG Ralph….ya just swatted a moth. Now ya screwed up my entire day. I coulda’ been finished. Now….now…I gotta find one more stinkin’ moth before I can call it a day. You bastard.”

mmmmmm

Scene from the movie, “Moth Ballou” starring Lee Mothvin and Jane Fondmoth

And, finally, this final note from Mindy:

“As you can see, moths are everywhere, and in all kinds of shapes, sizes and colors, so make sure to take some time this National Moth Week to appreciate them!”

So, might wanna make some plans to celebrate National Moth Week. Perhaps a game of touch moth ball, or substituting moth balls this week at the golf course, or a friendly game of basketmoth ball, or soccer moth ball, or basemoth ball or maybe just dragging out your supply of moth balls and proudly displaying them on Facebook or Twitter.

mmmmmm

Sorry pal. gotta post them on my Facebook page

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Yawn………I’m Soooooo Bored I Can’t Sleep. Huh?

Damn! How the hell can he sleep when I'm sooooo bored?

Damn! How the hell can he sleep when I’m sooooo bored?

Some days when it comes to writing this blog, it’s rather difficult due to the fact that I live with a woman who defies logic. And, I’m sure most men will agree with me that attempting to use logic with ANY woman is a lost cause.

Now let me explain to you why, on this Monday morning, my brain is total mush.

BECAUSE I CAN’T GET A FREAKIN’ GOOD NIGHTS SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is also a reason for my inability to get any sleep

This is also a reason for my inability to get any sleep

It went like this last night. We both turned in around 11PM and, as usual, discussed our day just to unwind before zonking off.

You know, important stuff like how many times one of the cats barfed. How come those yahoos across the street at the local bar feel it necessary to yell at each other while carrying on a conversation. Why, at the same bar, all motorcyclists upon leaving the establishment at 1am feel it necessary to rev their engines 200  times before leaving…..stuff like that.

Oh yeah, and our usual nightly discussion of why is it the Red Sox suck big time this year. Which we both agree is due to the fact that nobody on that team gives a rats ass because their owner John Henry is too busy fooling around with his new toy, “The Boston Globe” and has more interest in soccer than baseball.

mmmmm

The inevitable

Soooo, after about 15 minutes, once she gets into all the things I should be doing around the house that need repairing, I’m ready to zone out.

So, I roll over and go into my fantasy about being alone on a desert island with Sofia Vergara, and a years supply of canned SPAM, (every mans dream fantasy) and jussssst as I’m about to pounce on Sofia, after eating my SPAM sandwich, she, (my other half and not Sofia) begins flopping around in bed.

A sure sign that she can’t sleep…..which is the norm 365 nights a year.

OK honeeee. I've go the Lite beer, you break open a can of SPAM

OK honeeee. I’ve got the Lite beer, you break open a can of SPAM

Soooo, I ask her a logical question.

“Dear, why can’t you sleep for cripes sake!”

“I’m bored.” she replies.

“BORED!!!! BORED!!! WTF!

“WHAT! ya wanna be entertained so you can go to sleep or somethin?”

mmmmm

Now, to me, never having to be entertained so that I can go to sleep, her response seemed totally illogical to me. In fact….kinda stupid. I mean, who the f**k thinks about being bored when they’re trying to go to sleep?

Sleep is sleep. Which is what you’re supposed to do when ya get in bed for the night. Not worry about being so bored you can’t go to sleep. Ya wanna be un bored, stay up for cripes sake and let ME sleep. Which, on many occasions she does do.

Which usually amounts to her getting outta bed and sitting in the kitchen playing solitaire. Talk about boring.

If “I” got outta bed at 1am because “I” was bored and went to play solitaire in the kitchen that’s exactly where you’d find me at 6am with my head on the table and a playing card stuck between my bloodshot eyeballs.

MMMM

Other things she does

Meanwhile, because SHE was bored, and I’m laying there trying to understand the logic of all this, she once again heads out to the kitchen to get un bored playing that stupid card game.

However, this guy might be on to something

However, this guy might be on to something

Which is ok with me because then I can peacefully roll over, once again summon up my images of Sofia and my case of SPAM, and FINALLY fall asleep. Of course by then its way past 2am and I know that the next day my brain will be mush……as it is now…….and I’m writing this inane blog.

But ya know the worst part of all this insomnia/bored stuff. I help create it.

Yep, I’m responsible, just like Obama is responsible for EVERYTHING that goes wrong, for creating this insomniac monster.

WHY?

Well, ya see, she not only is bored at night but also hears things that go bump in the night. And, of course has to wake me to tell me that she hears things.

BUT….do ya think she heard anything the night my truck was broken into? Noooooooooo!  Snorked like a champ THAT night.

So, what do I do….yep, installed sensor lights in my driveway to scare away any zombies, werewolves, and truck thieves.

Not thinking that if a stray skunk, raccoon, cat or flying moth trip the senor the 1,000,0000 watt lights would come on. Which then sends my other half into a panic, at which point she wakes me up, (usually 4 out of five nights) and I have to investigate the scene………and never discover any band of roaming thieves looting and pillaging my truck.

Sometime, after checking for thieves late at night, I never make it back into the house

Sometimes, after checking for thieves late at night, I never make it back into the house

So I’ve, on a number of occasions, I attempted to explain to her that unless she hears noises and the cats are running around looking out the windows when the lights go on, she should not panic. Do ya think that “logic” works? Of course not.

So that’s why you have this stupid useless non sensical  blog today. Which also explains why I could never writhe the great American novel.

Unless it was entitled, “Mystery At Midnight: The Solitaire Card Murder Case.”

Hmmmmm.

Might be on to something here.

The opening scene……………………husband2

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I Think I’m Kinda Normal, BUT…I Have My Doubts About Other People

Just to set the tone for today’s weird blog…………

Remember.....

Remember…..”I” am the blogger and NOT the cartoonist. Although I must admit I probably would have drawn the same cartoon.

Ok, time to take a break on this Sunday and take a look at two loony toons who made the news this past week. I do this just to enforce my theory that, in comparison to these two idiots, I’m perfectly normal even though I write this stupid blog.

So, if you ever question your own sanity, take a look at these two stories about weird people and you’ll feel a lot better. Might even be able to come off of your anxiety or depression meds.

First on my list today is this guy from Austria who claims that his faith, (he’s a Pastafarian) should be accepted as normal and that he should be allowed to wear a plastic colander on his head.

mmmm

Throw in a year’s supply of Ziti and ya got a deal

After all, if you’re a “Pastafarian” you’re obviously into worshiping pasta and, as we all know, instead of halos, Pastafarians most likely believe all of their saints have colanders hovering above their heads. Makes sense to me.

Niko Alm applied to be able to wear the colander in his driver’s license photo on the grounds that the plastic headpiece should be counted as “religious headgear.”

He claims to be a member of the “Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster,” although he admits that he’s an atheist.

No Ma, I'm not making spaghetti, I'm getting ready to pray

No Ma, I’m not making spaghetti, I’m getting ready to pray

Now this is perfectly ok with me. I mean, who the hell am I to question anyone’s religion. If ya wanna walk around with a colander on top of your head, go for it.

mmmmm

And I pray every day that a bunch of nut jobs don’t come knocking at my door

The only problem I see with this concept is that it opens the door to other religions to do the same. Now you’ve got this guy claiming to be a “Pastafarian” and before ya know it, other similar religions are going to be popping up.

What’s to stop people from claiming they’re “Hamburgerairians” and wearing hamburgers on their heads. Or pervs claiming their “Condomarians” and adorning condoms. Or worse yet, “Antlerairians” sporting a huge rack similar to moose.

Where will it all end?

mmmmm

And “net” a lot of bucks….along with the “net” from your fishing gear

Personally, not being to happy with the Catholic church these days, I’m thinking that if this guy can get away with claiming he’s a “Pastafarian” and can wear a colander on his head and actually have his driver’s license photo show that, then I’m gonna follow his lead.

Yep, create my own religion.

Seeing that I worship each and every bingo card I play, hoping for the right ball to land and I can yell “BINGO!” ….. I’m forming my own religion called, “Bingonarians.”  Thereby allowing me to wear bingo balls on top of my head. Might even consider pushing the ol envelope and going naked claiming that my other balls, (the lower ones) are actually part of my religion, thereby I should be allowed to walk around naked displaying those as well.

Not to mention, but I will, I could possibly perform miracles like the Big Guy did……….

mmmmm

Ohhhhh. Damn! I thought the ad said “leopards.” Sorry.

Just sayin.’

Moving onward………….this next story involves the murder of an innocent watermelon.

OMG!!! Noooooooooo!!!!

OMG!!! Noooooooooo!!!!

How to tell if your spouse is really upset with you and perhaps might be on the verge of stabbing you with a bigggg knife…..or hinting that he might do that by leaving you a subtle hint…..like stabbing a defenseless watermelon.

In Thomaston, Connecticut, which is kinda scary considering this is my home state, a 49 year-old man, Carmine Cervellino, was arrested by the fruit police after stabbing a watermelon.

Actual photo of the victim

Actual photo of the victim

Apparently he had some sort of disagreement with his wife, threatened her, and to show just how pissed off he was, grabbed a watermelon and stabbed it in a “passive-agressive manor” until seeds were all over the place. Not a pretty sight.

According to the watermelon police assault task force, the guys wife was kinda upset when she discovered marijuana and drugs in his toolbox and proceeded to call the police.

“Hello, police department. I’m calling to report that my no goodnik rotten lazy SOB useless husband, who I love dearly, has some marijuana in his toolbox along with some other drugs..”

“Um, what other drugs does he have in his possession ma’am?”

“Viagra and Cialias”

“Um, sorry ma’am, we’re the watermelon police. Viagra and Cialis possession is NOT a crime, and as far as the marijuana goes, you have to contact the NARC’s.”

“WAIT! Don’t hang up…..he just stabbed a watermelon repeatedly!!!” OMFG!!!”

“Hold on ma’am, we’ll send the watermelon SWAT team right out.”

Mourners paying their last respects

Mourners paying their last respects

When police finally arrived on the scene the toolbox was not there so they could not charge the guy with possession of any drugs including the marijuana.

BUT…..as far as assaulting the watermelon…….they nailed him on that and charged him with threatening and disorderly conduct.

Which I assume falls into the assault and watermelon category.

Sooooo, be very careful if you take your frustration out on any fruit or vegetables.

Remember what that old philosopher Mitt Romney once said, “Watermelons are people too.”

See, Mitt was right

See, Mitt was right

Feel a bit more normal now do ya.

Me too.

Oops, time’s a wastin’ folks. It IS a Sunday and I have a lot of things to accomplish today now that I’ve discovered my new-found religion Bingonarian.

Yep, have to get moving painting numbers on my balls and finding a way to affix them to my head. The other set, (lower ones) are already affixed….permanently. Just need painting.

And, strictly out of courtesy, I’m calling my pastor, Father Guido Sarducci, and informing him of my new-found religion. I’m sure he’ll understand completely.

Yousa goina straight to hella Misfitta.....

Yousa goina straight to hella Misfitta…..

 

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