I Came. I Saw. I Conquered. Um, No, Actually I Stomped Out.

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I really gotta stop going to these town hall meetings

Now I’ve been resisting writing today’s blog because it’s really of no interest to anyone but me. But, that said, which I just did, sometimes ya have to vent about stupidity at it’s best. And, to me, THIS was stupidity at it’s best.

I’m referring to our political system which allows a few elected officials to dominate town hall meetings in which we, as peons, only have a few minutes to voice our opinions. Which was the case in a recent town hall meeting that I, and my other half attended last week.

I figured I’d clue you all in on how democracy actually works. Providing of course that you may, at some point, wish to go to a town hall meeting and make a complete idiot out of yourself by having  something to say, saying it partially, being cut off, and then, because you were cut off, making absolutely no sense at all.

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Geez Doc….not even if I take a Viagra pill to keep me pumped up?

I might have just as well have stood up at my town hall meeting and said, “Hey…I object to letting aliens from another planet take up parking spaces at the town library rather than actually saying something like, “Hey, I wanna talk about this pre school budget.”

Me thinkith mentioning aliens would have got me more time to speak. Everybody, including politicians wants to hear what anyone has to say about aliens.

But, alas, such was not the case.

First some guy, a finance guru, got up and made his presentation about what my town’s budget consisted of for the coming year. Really great stuff. Kinda like watching paint dry. A really great slide presentation, but, it didn’t hold my attention as I like interesting photos of things to hold my attention. It’s like watching “Dancing With The Stars” on TV and only hearing the audio portion.

MMMMM

Um hon, did you bring that cyanide pill?

But, I hung in there. Toothpicks holding up my eyelids also helped. After all, I did wanna make a statement so I had to stay awake somehow. Oh, yeah, my other half jabbing me with a hair pin also helped.

Sooooo, what were myself and Mrs. Misfit all up in arms and legs about? Well, the proposed budget of course. Part of which included an increase in our town’s mil rate which would raise our taxes once again, which is NOT good if you are on a fixed income such as we are.

BUT…..being the civic-minded logical person that I am, I DO realize a town has to tax us peons in order to survive and provide us with needed town services such as police and fire protection, and all the other necessary services. Including the salaries of the town officials so that they can increase their salaries as well for sending us out notices to remind us that they require salary increases too.

As that old philosopher Mitt Romney once said, “Tax officials are people too.”

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Sounds logical to me….I think.

Our complaint was with an increase in pre-school funding. Briefly, the plan was to add a “full day” to a proposed universal preschool program at a budget increase of $185.000. Which means my taxes, (we are on a fixed income) would raise by an additional $52 to $104 depending on the value of our property.

Soooooo, Mrs. Misfit and I wanted to add our two cents, (or proposed $52 dollar tax increase) to that proposal, but, were not allowed to finish our comments. So, pissed off as “I” was, I stomped out. Democracy at its best….don’t ya think.

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Use a damn hammer….it’ll fit in there.

Now, this week in “TIME” Magazine, (4/21/14)  in an article by Alex Altman entitled, “Skipping Out: Common Core Tests Spark A Parent Revolt,” there are some interesting comments by parents of preschool children about how the “Common Core” program effected their children as well as what other states have figured out with regard to preschool children trying to figure out how much sand is in a sandbox using algebra.

My guess was 3,496,743,000 grains of sand. But I think some preschooler beat me out with the exact amount. Damn!

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Let’s begin children. How many graham crackers are in a graham cracker box?

Presently our town has parents pay for partial preschooling. And, considering there are only 33 to 35 preschoolers in our town, I personally felt that if they wanted their children to be Einsteins, hey, let them continue to pay for the preschooling they are presently getting rather than asking the rest of us town fools to foot the bill. And, have our taxes increase.

But…..as we all know, that would be too logical.

As Gary Oldman said in his classic line from the movie “Leon The Professional,” when asked who he wanted to call in. His response, “EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Which is what the town is proposing when it comes to who should pay for little “itty bitty sand box I just wanna have fun being a kid” in school children.

As far as I’m concerned, preschooling is fine if that’s your bag. You want your kid to learn math, English, calculus, algebra, how to read “War and Peace” and possibly write his own novel at age 6, fine. But to me I’d want my kid to enjoy being a kid, have fun, and learn how to mingle with other kids while having fun….NOT pushing him or her to instant adulthood.

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The disadvantages of sending a child to preschool

If that’s YOUR thing, to push your kid into instant adulthood, then YOU fund it….not the rest of us.

Which, getting back to our attendance at that town meeting, is most likely what they didn’t want to hear. Which is why I stormed out.

Which is also why I suspect all the members of the town council might have had parents who DID send them to preschool to learn how to become members of the town council when they grew up.

Thereby never learning how to relate to us who did not have preschool educations, but, we learned how to interact with our other sand box pals which taught us the basics of human nature.

How to communicate with one another.

At a town meeting or in the sand box.

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Just sayin.’

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Soooooo Baybeeee, What’s Your Sign?

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Obviously this guy is rushing things

Yes, the oldest pick up line in the world, “What’s Your Sign.”  And, usually when I myself used that line on any woman I attempted to pick up, the response to my question was, “The Bird.” Which, when ya think about it IS a sign, but not the one most guys expect when hitting on some babe.

However, even though THAT particular hit line is way outdated, unless you’re living in a rest home, over the age of 80, and wanna hit on some chick in a wheelchair, then I guess it’s still ok to use. Providing they can remember what the hell their sign is….or anything else for that matter.

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No chance of rejection here

But, “match.com,” (not a site for arsonists) and reporter Dave Singleton, who may or may not be single, has written an article entitled, “Six Easy, Effective Pick-Up Lines That Work.”

“Whats Your Sign” was NOT one of them.

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It’s the economy stupid

So, I’ll list the “effective pick-up lines” that Dave says actually work, but, if they don’t, send HIM nasty letters and not me. Do not kill the messenger…which would be me.

Effective pick-up line number one according to Dave. “Would you hold this while I go for a walk.”

Apparently this breaks the ice when you’re looking for a conversation starter. Unless, you’re a damn pervert and pointing to your Woody.

But according to Kimberly Dawn Neuman, (NEUMANNNNNNNN) a dating relationship coach, she says, “It’ sweet. It’s clever. It takes a minute to register and then when it does, the door is open for conversation. You can literally walk away with the person of your dreams if he or she takes the bait.”

Problem, as I see it, ya gotta have something to give her to hold, as in, “hold this while I go for a walk.” And again, if it’s your Johnson you’re interested in her holding, her response most likely will be, “F**K off ya damn pervert!”

I suggest bringing your cat with you to the next bar or lounge. Then ask any woman you want to hit on to then hold your cat, and SHAZAM! what woman is gonna refuse holding your cuddly little pussy cat. Next thing ya know…SCOREEEEEEEEE!

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Ba-da-boom-ba-da bing!

Effective pick-up line number two: “Hey I’m (introduce yourself) Can I take you out sometime?”

In which case you may get a similar response like, “Hey I’m (introduce herself)….f**k off you damn jerk!”  Which would then be your clue to exit right stage left.

Effective pick-up line number three: “I really like your (comment on anything interesting the person you wish to meet is holding, wearing, reading, etc.”)

Kimberly says that “people respond well to compliments. The reason this line works is because it doesn’t come across as a line at all. You utter it to make the another person feel good, but the likely result will be that you both engage in conversation.”

Unless you’re, again, a real idiot and you’re out to nail anything that walks and breathes. Like if you walk up to a woman and say, “”I really like your heaving throbbing cleavage.”

That would be a sure sign that you didn’t read this article, or Kimberly’s, and have no clue as to how to diplomatically approach any woman. In which case you will once again receive that response of, “F**K off you asswipe and get lost before I call security.”

Well,

Well, at least if ya wanna get your date drunk all ya have to do is pour beer on your hand…….just sayin.’

Effective pick-up line number four: “This party really surprised me with the (food, wine, view, entertainment….pick something.”)

“Simply make an interesting or amusing comment about your surroundings. It implies a openness and confidence. The key is not to over think it, but do definitely try to keep it positive.”

“Heyyyyy, how are sweetie. Haven’t see you here before. Nice party isn’t it. Cept for the bathroom, which I just came from after I had to really take a crap. I’m tellin’ ya, some people just do not know how to stack extra toilet paper rolls in their bathrooms just in case you’re down to that last square. Fortunately there were a few extra hand towels lying around. Sooooo, whaddya think about the food anyhow?”

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Tip: Always wear an appropriate outfit

Effective pick-up line number five: “You look like trouble.”

Apparently this is to show that you have a sense of humor and it has to be said “in an easygoing manner and delivered with a genuine smile. A little teasing can go a long way, and nothing gets the flirtatious  juices flowing faster than a little challenge. Just be sure to err on the side of sounding playful and not mean-spirited, regardless of you or your potential love interest’s gender.”

“Hi baybeeee. Geez, you sure as hell look like trouble what with that “f**k off or die tattoo on your right boob, those skull and crossbone earrings, spiked hair, and stiletto heels. Really turns me on. I like a woman who’s not afraid to show her true identity and make a statement. What say you and I go over to my place and get it on honey? What’s your name anyhow sweetie.

“Um, Bruno……and you’re kinda cute too.”

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Nooo problem….I just  broke up with my last date, Bruno

And the last effective pick up line that was listed and seems to be the favorite of the writer, “Hi.” (followed by a friendly smile) Providing you have a really good dentist or a great set of dentures.

Dr. Ish Major, a dating expert and author, says that “this is the best pick-up line ever invented. It’s quick, clean, neat, unassuming, non-intrusive, friendly and pleasant. It gets the other person to notice you and signals your interest at the same time.”

But to me, even though the good doc thinks that “HI” is the best line, does that mean that every time you say “HI” to someone you could be committed to asking them out? Kinda shaky ground there doc.

If I go out and say HI to my garbage collector I DO NOT wanna be in a situation where all of a sudden he’s hitting on me. Same for my postal carrier. Damn! That could be a problem wherever I go. Say “HI” to anyone and the next thing you know you’re in a relationship.

I guess you just have to use common sense, watch what you say or do, and play it by ear.

Otherwise you’ll wind up like me, married and divorced twice.

The first time because I spoke to a woman and said, “Hi, nice set of boobs.” And she said she’d turn my butt in to the pervert squad if I didn’t marry her. And here I thought I was just paying her a compliment.

The second time all I said was, “Hi, wanna jump in the sack with me?” And she too said she’d turn me into the pervert squad if I didn’t marry her.

I don’t get it? Do ya think it was that word “HI?”

Finally,

Finally, the ultimate pick-up line…..if you’re a toaster

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Congress Finally Taking Action On An Important Issue. Cow Flatulence.

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It was the stinkin’ cow

Just when you thought Congress and most Congressmen were totally useless for not concentrating their efforts on legislation that affects all of us, SHAZAM! they go and prove us all wrong by taking on an issue that indeed affects each and every one of us. Cow flatulence.

YES! Cow flatulence.

Why just yesterday I got into a heated smelly discussion with a friend of mine over cow flatulence.

“Marvin…..we really gotta get Congress to do something about cow flatulence. It’s getting waaaay outta hand.”

“Ya don’t say Misfit. What’s the problem. I don’t smell nothin?”

“Well I don’t either Marve, but that’s not the point. The point is, cow flatulence, (farts) are contributing to global warming because cow flatulence contains methane gas.”

“Yeah, so what? How in the hell ya gonna stop a cow from farting? Stuff a cork up its butt…heh, heh, heh.”

“Funny Marvin, but this is serious stuff here. So serious that Congressional Senate Republicans  (experts on cow flatulence) are warning President Obama not to screw around with regulating cow flatulence.”

You

You should talk ya freakin’ pig

How in the hell you regulate cow flatulence is beyond me. Unless there’s some sort of cow flatulence meter that you can attach to a cows butt that regulates the amount of farts they can emit in one given day. My guess anyhow.

In an article by Michael Bastasch of “The Daily Caller,” which, I guess calls people on a daily basis, he quoted Republicans as saying, “Obama’s methane reduction plan could lead to heavy-handed regulations that would have detrimental implications on livestock operations across the country.”

Meaning that it would cost farmers having around 75 to 125 farting cows between $13,000 and $22,000 per fart per year.

Um….WAIT! I think I read that wrong.

(checking)

Oh, sorry, that should read, “between $13,000 and $22,000 if you own 75 to 125 cows and $17,000 to $27,000 for anyone who owns more cows, like around 200 to 300. The more cows, the more cow farts I guess. Logical.

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Cow humor

So Senate Republicans are saying that this would “have detrimental implications” on livestock operations across the country.” Meaning that if the administration taxes cow farmers for their cow farts they would suffer financially. Which, is understandable. Because cows DO fart a lot and I can see where their farting could cost farmers lots of money if they do not adhere to those regulations.

But what do ya do if you’re a farmer? I mean, cows eat, cows digest. Cows fart. WTF!

How do you regulate how many farts per day cows can emit?

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Hmmm, I don’t get it. He wants me to stop farting and he’s givin’ me beans?

Now I read this article several times and there’s no mention as to how you actually reduce cow flatulence emissions. Even the part that says, “The Agriculture Department, Energy Department and Environmental Protection Agency” are set to put together a “Biogas” roadmap to reduce methane emissions.”

WTF is a “Biogas” roadmap to reduce cow flatulence? A map ya give to a cow so that it can follow a path to some cave, go inside, cut a few farts, and then go back outside?

The most I could figure out is that the EPA thinks perhaps feeding them something different to cut down on the number of farts they produce per day. But who’s counting? Um, sorry, some guy at the EPA is. Wouldn’t wanna have that guy’s job.

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Oh, yeah man. But, its gonna make ya fart more.

Now I’m sure there are farmers out there reading today’s blog that know exactly how to cut down on the number of farts a cow can fart per day. Most likely its way to expensive to implement. And if the President’s new focus on agricultural emissions means a tax on farting livestock, I can see where farmers would be all up in arms, and cows, over this tax.

BUT, as I smell it, or see it, according to the EPA, cattle emissions make up 20 percent of the U. S. methane (fart) emissions. Which is why when you are out riding in the country on a hot summer day and stop to look at all those cute cows in a field, it really reeks to the high heavens.

And that noise you hear as you’re watching those cows aren’t them “mooing,” but the sound of them farting.

Damn, the things ya learn on the Internet.

MMMM

We are the 1%

Republicans wrote, “It is our hope that the EPA, USDA, and DOE, (what, no CBS, NBC, ABC and FOX) will work with Congress and the agriculture industry to outline voluntary measures that can be taken to reduce emissions (farts) without imposing heavy-handed regulations on farms across America.”

“Heavy-handed also applies to using a “heavy hand” on a cows butt as it’s ready to fart and you prevent it from coming out.

Now I’m no farmer here folks. But the logical solution to this problem would simply be to rig up a simple device to prevent cow flatulence from escaping into the air thereby preventing methane gas from going into the atmosphere. Something quite inexpensive that would not break farmers pocketbooks.

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Where the inspiration came from for the Beatles song “Something.”

So I’m offering this suggestion.

Farmers should go to their local feed store or Wal-Mart, buy a few “Hefty” extra strong large size trash bags, duct tape one to the butt of every cow, and let them fart their cow brains out. Once the “Hefty” bag seems to be floating above the cow, a sure sign it is filled with cow flatulence, then simply remove it from he cow’s butt, use a simple twisty and seal it off, load a bunch of them into a truck, send it off to our troops in Afghanistan, and unleash them against the Taliban. Problem solved.

This also applies to chickenshit droppings which are far worse than cow flatulence.

Something to this efect

Something similar to this idea

So, in conclusion, Congress solves the problem of having to argue with the President about taxing farmers for farting cows. Farmers get off the hook by simply buying “Hefty” bags. And the U. S. Military can win yet another war against terrorism by simply employing the use of cow farts.

Am I a genius or what! And I don’t even own a cow.

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A Few Comments on “Parade Magazine’s What People Earn.” Me not being one of them.

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If I actually were earning anything from writing this idiotic daily blog I might have made it on “Parade Magazine’s” annual list of “What People Earn.” BUT…I don’t earn anything, which begs the question, then why the f**k do I bother writing this blog if I don’t earn anything?

To which the answer would be, ” Because I’m stupid.” Then again, I don’t have to pay any taxes to the IRS for not earning anything, so basically when ya think about it, am I really that stupid?

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Bastards…….

While most of the people mentioned in the “Parade Magazine” article DO have to fork over part of their earnings to the IRS. AND….considering “Parade Magazine” printed that handy-dandy list of who makes what, the IRS most likely is taking that article, making a list, checking it twice, and you people in that article will be hearing from them soon if you fail to file on April 15th.irs3

Which suspiciously leads me to believe that perhaps “Parade Magazine” is actually owned by the IRS and they put out that annual list just so that YOU know that THEY know just how much all of you make. Pretty clever huh!

So I took a look at what some of them made and here’s a few I pounced on for one reason or another.

Patrick Garner, 56, from Montclair, New Jersey who is a Thomas Edison impersonator. Which we all know there is a great demand for. Patrick earns $75,000 a year walking around impersonating Thomas Edison. And so far no one has hauled off his butt to the loony farm for being a nut job.

Hmmmm.

Hmmmm.

Cripes, if I walked around impersonating Benjamin Franklin they’d have my ass thrown in the loony bin in a heartbeat. But Patrick lucks out and makes big bucks. Go figure.

He probably sells discount incandescent light bulbs while impersonating Edison and people figure, what the hell, if HE thinks he’s Thomas Edison and I can get a good deal on a light bulb, WTF.

Then there’s the other end of the spectrum, Beyonce, 32, pop music superstar who makes an estimated $52 million dollars impersonating herself. No light bulbs involved.

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A very touching song

Donna Deforbes, 41, from Warwick, Rhode Island, who is a writer and designer and blogs on eco-mothering and contributes to kids magazines. She earns $30,000 doing that stuff in comparison to myself, who also blogs and contributes to eco-nonsense and earns squat.

Hmmm, maybe I need to write blogs of interest to kids. You know, like advice on where to get rid of snot when you pick your nose and stuff. HEY! That mothering stuff works for Donna for cripes sake!

Randye Kaye, 61, (obviously a fake stage name) from Trumbull, Connecticut makes $90,000 a year as a voice actress doing commercials as well as being used on video games and audiobooks. Which means she most likely has a great voice for that type of stuff. Unlike myself who has 30 years of professional radio broadcasting experience, and a great voice, but everybody keeps telling me to shut the f**k up.

Valerie Leffler, 50, Richland Center, Wisconsin makes $46,800 as a, (cough) cheese worker. A CHEESE WORKER!!!! She makes $46,000 a year as a cheese worker!!! Now this kinda smells cheesy to me.

Valerie

Valerie at work

What the heck does she do anyhow?

(checking)

Oh, I see. Her quote: “I work in the cookers. The small curds, (not to be confused with that ethnic group from Western Asia, the Kurds) take a ride in a hot bath and – viola – it comes out as cheese.”

Um….noooooo, I don’t really see. She gets paid to give cheese baths? Beats me? If it actually were those “Kurds” from Western Asia THAT might make mores sense to me. Especially the part about giving them a ride in a hot bath.cheeese2

Marty Stenger, 52, from Lost Creek, West Virginia, (they’re still looking for that creek) is a library director. She pulls in a whopping $8,840 for directing whatever it is library directors direct in a library. Lost books about lost creeks would be my guess. Otherwise a lot of books would be lost in Lost Creek. Which, I assume, is how the town of Lost Creek got its name.

Then there’s Harry Pecci, 53, from Richboro, Pennsylvania who makes $12,000 a year as a stadium beer vendor. He does this “part-time” because he says “everybody loves the beer man.”

Hey Harry, those IRS guys are gonna be lookin’ at you because you said “part-time,” and wondering, “Hey, WTF does this guy do besides “part-time” beer hawking?” Ya really think “they’re” gonna believe you survive on $12,000 a year just selling beer. HAH!

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And why Harry always makes women at the stadium choose their own beer after he sets his beer case down. As he said, “I have the greatest job in the world.”

Jeanie Forrester, 56, Meredith, New Hampshire who is a state senator. She makes, get this….$100 dollars a YEAR!!!!

YES….you read that correctly, $100 dollars a year. WHY! Because she flunked math in school and thought being a state senator making $100 dollars a year was a great deal of money.

Actually New Hampshire’s constitution stipulates that senators can only be paid $100 dollars a year. Which is also how New Hampshire got their state motto, “Live Free or Freakin’ Die.” Because on $100 dollars a year you definitely have to live somewhere for free, can’t afford any food, and eventually do die.

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Soooo many mottos, soooo few registered cars in New Hampshire

Then there’s Miley Cyrus, 21, singer-songwriter, twerker, and tongue lint catcher, who makes $76.5 million dollars, but who’s counting.twerk2

I myself gave that a shot by twerking and sticking my tongue out at the last town council meeting I attended just to see if anyone would throw me a few $76.5 million, but the cops didn’t buy my entrepreneurial attempt as they were hauling my butt away.

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I did manage to make a few bucks when they finally released me

Gloria Ross, 62, St. Louis, Missouri, makes $13,000 a year writing obituaries. I’m sure she could possibly make a lot more if those totally inconsiderate people who insist on living beyond the age of 80 just die and give her more obits to write about. Just think of how much money you could make in overtime Gloria.

Finally, and this is one of my favorites, Joseph Hughes, 66, Abingdon, Maryland makes $6,000 a year as an accordionist. Which, as the late Lawrence Welk would say, is “Wun’erful Wun’erful.”

My

My worst nightmare about hell

Now as far as I’m concerned, this guy should make a hell of a lot more than he’s making playing the accordion. Just the fact that the accordion weighs a gazillion pounds and we just do not have enough accordionists around seems to me that it should be worth more than paying that guy a mere $6,000.

HEY! When the hell was the last time you went to a bar and were able to sit back and enjoy some guy belting out a few tunes on the accordion? SEE!

Why

Why there are more men playing accordions than women

So, my vote for the most overpaid person would be Miley Cyrus, because, as we all know, ANYBODY can stick their tongue out and twerk their butt.

And for the most underpaid person, Joe Hughes, the accordion player.  Hang in there Joe. As soon as Lady Ga Ga discovers your talents and brings you on board you’re gonna make millions.

And……in honor of Joe, and his accordion talents…….my favorite accordion host, Lawrence Welk performing for all of you………..enjoy.

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Stop The Presses! Limbaugh Is Upset! Um, So What Else Is New?

Which

Obviously, Rush, being totally unbiased, would have been a better choice to replace Letterman than Steven Colbert

Rush Limbergercheese is once again upset about something he has no control over……….comedy…….which Limbaugh has no clue about. Comedy that is.

This time he’s spouting off about “Comedy Central’s” Steven Colbert who will replace David Letterman as host of “The Late Show.” Named appropriately because it’s on late. Makes sense to me.

Rush is all up in a twitter….um….no, that’s a social media site, sorry. Rush is all up in a tizzy, (not a web site) because, as he stated, “CBS has just declared war on the heartland of America.” Because Colbert was picked to replace David Letterman.

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Bastards!

I was somewhat concerned about Rush’s comments about “war on the heartland of America” because does this mean that those of us who do not live in the “heartland of America” are safe? And what exactly IS the “heartland of America.”

(Definition)
The heartland of America refers to the internal rural states.
“Heartland” is commonly used to describe the region west of the Mississippi River and east of the Rocky Mountains.
These Heartland states contributed significantly to America’s development as a global economic power.

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We don’t need no stinkin’ government farm aid……we’re independent

Ohhhhh. I get it. CBS is only going to attack those states west of the Mississippi and east of the Rocky Mountains by hiring Steven Colbert to replace David Letterman.

WAIT! I really don’t get it. Why is it only the “heartland of America?’ Doesn’t the rest of the United States have hearts too? WHAT! Are we heartless? WTF!

Hey Rush…..what the hell did ya mean by that anyhow?

RUSH: “no longer is comedy going to be a covert assault on traditional American values, conservatism. Now its just wide out in the open. What this hire means is a redefinition of what is comedy.”

Redefinition of what is comedy? HUH?

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We’re sorry, all lines to God are temporarily busy. Please try your prayer later. Or try our Hell hotline which is much faster.

Isn’t um, comedy when ya make people laugh at stupid stuff? I could be wrong here. Let’s see what else Limbergercheese had to say that might shed some light, or at least a candle, on WTF he meant.

“They’re blowing up the 11:30 format under the guise that the world is changing and people don’t want the kind of comedy that Johnny Carson gave us, or even Letterman. They (us I guess) don’t want that anymore. It’s the media planting a flag here. Maybe not the media’s last stand, but it’s definitely a declaration.”

And he went on to add, “CBS showed no interest in selecting a host that appealed to both sides of the political aisle. They hired a partisan, so-called comedian to run a comedy show.

OMFG! They hired a partisan who calls himself a comedian to run a comedy show!!!!!!

Holy crap!!!!!

Ya mean that when Steven does comedy it’s strictly partisan? And when someone like Jon Stewart does comedy it’s partisan too? Both do not show both sides of the story using comedy? Just so that you can get a laugh by not only getting ONE SIDE of an issue? How f**king inconsiderate of them.

DAMN! I gotta stop watching comedy shows and get my laughs from Fox News, Rush and Hannity. Lots of impartial comedy there folks.

mmmmmmmm

Um, Rush….is there a MisfitWisdom Blogger in there?

I think what upsets Rush is that Steven Colbert is now going more mainstream with a spot on a major network like CBS. Yes, Steven had a huge following on “Comedy Central” but replacing Letterman will give him even more of a following. Not good if you want someone who will be a lot more compassionate to “the heartland of America.”

Who, as we all know, are the only ones who ever watch the Letterman show. Right?

Hmmmm. Time to cue in an Internet troll….at random of course.

 

“It should be no surprise that any mainstream media outlet and especially a network TV outlet like CBS would select a liberal for this show. First, one hard liberal is replacing another and the media is as liberal as the show’s hosts. Disappointing? Yes (but I don’t watch this bull anyway). Surprising? No.”

mmmmmm

Let’s not forget those Nazi liberal X-Men

Sooooo. Basically what all this Rush/troll comment stuff means is that from now on we need to have some sort of vetting system when a network selects who will replace ANY host on a TV show. Kinda like Congress when the President wants to name an appointee and they have to question that person to see if they’re qualified.

Congress:

“Sir, do you have any political affiliations?”

“Um, no, I never vote for anyone.”

“Are you a liberal or a conservative?”

“Um, no…..I’m Irish.”

“Are you beholden to any religion that we may consider a threat to America’s heartland?”

“Um, no sir, I’m an atheist.”

“Do you believe in the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Elves, and Sarah Palin?”

“Um, yes but…….”

“No explanation needed son. But one final question. If we confirm you to be the new host of The Late Show” will you promise us you’ll be totally unbiased when it comes to “America’s Heartland” and politicians?”

“Ya mean I can’t do any comedy routines about wheat?”

“Yes…..no rural heartland wheat jokes.”

“Yes, I can do that.”

“OK….you’re confirmed. Now give us all one liner about Hillary Clinton.”

So that’s how it should go. Why hurt the feelings of any one group when selecting a new host for any TV comedy show. Make them suckers tow the line and conform to what comedy is all about.

Just like the comedy Rush and Hannity do on their daily show each and every day.

Now THAT’s Comedy!!!!!!

And totally unbiased.

mmmm

mmmm

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Now From CNN…Um, sorry…Now From MWNN*….. *MisfitWisdom News Network

mmmm

Thanks….I was confused, now I’m not

No, there actually isn’t a Misfit News Network, but there should be as far as I’m concerned. If only to have some news about other things other than that missing Malaysian airline. AT LEAST UNTIL THEY ACTUALLY FIND IT! if….they EVER get to where it is they’re supposed to get to in less than two months. It does seem that way doesn’t it.

Not that I don’t have any compassion for the relatives of that missing plane, but geez, day in and day out it’s the same old same old. IF YA DON’T HAVE ANYTHING NEW TO REPORT….GIVE IT A FREAKIN’ BREAK FOR CRIPES SAKE!!!!

So, I thought perhaps some of you, who were actually fixated on that plane story, or are in a hypnotic state, may have missed a lot of other breaking stories.

So today I’ve formed the “Misfit Wisdom News Network,” which consists of my entire staff, (me) to bring you up to date on what other news stories of great importance you may have missed.

“New Jersey voters see Christie’s internal bridge review as ‘whitewash’: poll”

Suntitled:

Subtitled: “Slight of Hand.”

As Gomer Pyle used to say: “Suuuuurprise, Suuuuuprise!!! Or to put it in simpler terms, DUH!

New jersey voters don’t believe that Governor Chris Christie is completely innocent in the “Bridgegate” scandal? Go figure. I mean he DID hire a commission to investigate himself and they cleared him of any wrong doing.

Cripes, if any of us were accused of doing something wrong wouldn’t WE “hire” our “own” commission to investigate us? Makes sense to me.

“Misfit, did you or did you not commit that crime?”

“Well yer honor. I hired a commission to investigate me, big bucks I might add, and after I paid them to investigate me, when they were done investigating me, they determined that I was completely innocent of any wrongdoing.”

“So you’re saying that you paid them to investigate you and they found you innocent of any wrongdoing?”

“Yep……case closed. I’m innocent..”

“OK….I believe you and “your” commission. Not guilty. Oh, by the way, Martha says why don’t you come over to the house tonight for supper. Says she really misses her brother.”

“Kerry ‘betrayed and surprised’ by McCain”

mmmmmmmm

I swear, I’m gonna slap that motherf**ker silly……um, he’s standing behind me isn’t he.

Shocked I tell ya. Shocked.

Totally shocked that John McCain would betray John Kerry. I didn’t even know they were dating. But, as we all know, it happens in a lot of intimate relationships. Walk in the room and catch someone you care about cheating on you then calling you a bunch of names,  obviously you too would be surprised.

“Rolling Stone flubs Constitution tattoo on cover”

OMG! Rolling Stone Magazine screwed up the Constitution!!!! How the hell did they do that? It was already written, printed and distributed to all of the states eons ago. I don’t get it.

Oh WAIT! Sorry. Got that wrong. What they screwed up was the Constitution on the back of actress Louis-Julia Dreyfus, who appears on their cover in the nude with part of the Constitution tattooed on her back.

It seems Rolling Stone never paid any attention to who signed the Constitution and has John Hancock’s signature on her back. BUT….ol John didn’t sign the Constitution. He signed the Declaration of Independence.

mmmmm

Had Rolling Stone asked me, I would have added my name, (Dick) as well……on the other side of her body……

Easy mistake. Declaration of Independence, Constitution, signature on a lease, all the same to me. Who gives a rats ass. Besides, all anyone’s gonna care about is seeing Julia naked. Get over it.

“New findings suggest ‘Gospel of Jesus’s Wife’ isn’t a modern forgery”

A quote from this headline from “Yahoooooo.”

“The fragment, which contains the words, “Jesus said to them, my wife,” first came to light several years ago. Harvard University Divinity Professor Karen L. King, who announced the fragment’s existence at a conference in 2012, was quick to point out that the fragment does not prove that Jesus had a wife.”

mmmmmmmm

Nag, nag, nag. Christ!

YES! It is NOT a forgery. It’s the real McCoy….or McJesus. And Karen, who obviously was there, should know what that means. It means, according to Karen, that it, as she said, “does not prove that Jesus had a wife.”

What that probably means is that Jesus was in a conversation with someone in some sort of Jesus meeting that he called and it might have gone something like this:

“My wife, if I actually had a wife, which I do not, but, for the record, I thought I’d say that because that guy over there taking notes on papyrus has a sense of humor and thought I should say that just for laughs, has suggested that we have some sort of last supper get together and that the menu should be catered considering we have an awful lot to discuss.”

So, it seems to me Karen may be correct in her assumption that Jesus probably wasn’t married and that he just said that to get a laugh. Softens up those stuffy Apostles with a one liner. You know how we all get into the mood when before sitting down to eat and ol uncle George cracks a few jokes.

“For Obama, frustration in comparisons to LBJ”

The quote from the “AP.”

“Obama’s advisers bristle at the suggestion that the current commander-in-chief could break through congressional gridlock if only he could emulate Johnson’s hands-on approach to wrangling votes on Capitol Hill.”

Yes, I totally agree. LBJ did have a “hands-on” approach to things. And President Obama should be just like the former President to get things done and break up that gridlock. Just like LBJ did. When he went to the bathroom to take a good crap. Yep, left the door open and conducted business while he was taking a good dump. With other politicians in the bathroom or just outside the open door.

mmmmmmmmmm

Like ah sez boys…..nothin’ like a good “hands on” Presidential poop

Like I always say. Nothing’s gonna get done quicker than having the President of the United States argue a point with you as you’re standing there while he’s taking a crap after eating a bean burrito sandwich and a few tacos. Let a whiff of all that get into your nostrils and damn, you’re gonna agree with anything the President proposes just to get the hell outta there.

And finally, thank Gawd, only because you’re probably all bent outta shape at all this earth shattering news and I’ve totally ruined your day…..this last blockbuster of a story:

“California city declares Sriracha maker a nuisance”

You won’t find too many states trying to clamp down on businesses these days. Not with all of this “creating jobs” stuff as a political football. Yet California is on the case of a company called “Huy Fong Foods,” and I’m NOT “foo-ling-yu,” because this is a huge issue for Californians living in Irwindale.

Sriracha is  the brand name of a hot sauce and residents are complaining that the  fumes from the factory that makes the hot sauce, which comes from grinding up red-hot chili peppers, (the chili peppers and not that old rock and roll group “The Chili Peppers”) is stinging their eyes and giving them coughing fits.

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Not what the residents of Irwindale are worried about

The company has hired an attorney, John Tate, who issued this comment with regard to the city issuing a public nuisance declaration: “The city is flexing its muscles and thumbing “Huy Fong” in the eye.” Probably using a chopstick.

Which “Huy Fong” in return should thumb back the city with a red-hot chili pepper. That’ll show them chili pepper hating bastards.

Considering the company has over 200 employees and took in about 85 million peppers….um, sorry, that should read, taken in 85 million dollars in revenue last year and, I’m sure, pays a great deal of taxes to that town, me thinkith a resolution will be in the works verrrrry soon.

Maybe free chili masks with the company logo on it for everyone in Irwindale.

Just sayin.’

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The “FX” TV Series, “The Americans.” Censors Finally Not Saying “Nyet” To Sex Scenes

the americans logo

Eons ago television censors used to go into a wild state of uncontrollable panic if any TV series so much as showed a couple anywhere near a bed. Honest! In fact, when they actually did show a couple in bed, at least one of them had to have their foot on the floor.

I guess the censors figured that if one person in that bedroom scene had their foot on the floor no one watching would think they were capable of having sex. Boy were they stupid. I for one can vouch that if I had one foot on the floor, maybe even two I could have…um..er….well, um, never mind, you get, or can image the picture.

But recently it seems the censors, those guys with absolutely no sense of humor or any hint of a sex life, have allowed a bit more skin to be shown on television. Other than Porky Pig and Donald Duck not wearing any pants.

My

My point exactly…..

The TV show, “The Americans” which is shown on the “FX” channel, has been testing the limit of censors patience with some pretty torrid sex scenes. I may be mistaken, but the only people so far that haven’t been naked, semi naked, or talked about being naked are the kids of those two Russian spies and Margo Martindale.

soooo

So far the only photo of Margo that I could find that comes to suggesting some sort of sex act

Although having Margo naked in the show might be pushing it a bit. Only because she’s pushing 63 years of age and people do tend to snack while watching that show. If ya catch my drift here.

BUT…..as far as the other actresses in the show are concerned, HOLY BATMAN…. …….ROBIN!!!!

Take a gander at Keri Russell who plays Russian spy Elizabeth Jennings in a recent scene from “The Americans” as she lays naked on a bed with her husband Phillip Jennings played by Matthew Rhys.

(pant)

(pant)

Almost makes ya want to become a Russian spy.

And….if that wasn’t enough for you, how about THIS scene with yet another Russian agent, Nina, played by Annet Mahendru who’s having an affair with FBI agent Stan Beeman, played by Noah Emmerich.

Butts-R-Us

Butts-R-Us

Annet has been naked more than all of the other stars in the show. Which is fine with me. Along with the FBI, CIA, NSA, and every red-blooded American spy I’ll betcha. Which could also explain the reason Edward Snowden defected to Russia. Makes sense to me.

Here’s another shot of Annet from the same scene:

MMMMM

No, I’m sorry Nina. I must go. I must go and do my FBI work. I must….I…..aw screw it.

 

Not to be undone by the shenanigans of that perverted FBI agent Beeman, the Ruski spy, Phillip, who’s married to Elizabeth, is also having an affair with his wife, Martha Hanson, played by Allison Wright, who is really not his wife, um…well, she really is, but he also has another wife, Elizabeth, but she knows he’s married to Martha because it’s all in the name of helping Mother Russia gain secret information about the U.S.

Hey….ya gotta do what ya gotta do. If it means sleeping with a bunch of women, ya do it for the cause. Which is spying for Russia, and um, the sex of course. The sex being the perk that most spies like about being a spy. Just ask any Secret Service agent.the americans 15

So, Phillip jumps Martha’s bones and the censors do not blink an eyeball.

This

This is either a scene of Phillip jumping Martha’s bones or a really good picture of a contortionist

And, as we men all know, after you’ve done that contortionist stuff you HAVE to take a cigarette break.

MMMM

And the censors never even censored the cigarette. BUT….who’s paying attention.

It seems that the “FX” channel is beginning to see da light. What with those sex scenes in “The Americans” and with regard to language in the TV series “Justified.”

After all, it IS real life. Nobody wants to see Raylan in Justified get hit with a two by four by Boyd Crowder and yell out in pain, “Oh golee Boyd, why’d ya go and do that…it hurts.”

Rather, “Shit Boyd, you damn bastard, that hurts you freakin’ asswipe.”

Well

Well Raylan, ya go and make fun of my outfit that’s what ya get

My own personal opinion, for what that’s worth, is that perhaps the censors know that allowing a bit of what real life is in some of these series might be a bit refreshing. At least “FX” knows it does. I tend to agree. Isn’t that what reality is all about. Being able to watch a television show that has some sort of realistic characters in it. In realistic situations. Including sex and language. And showing a bit of skin.

Ok…Ok…..a LOT of skin!

Now those two shows, “The Americans” and “Justified” are more in line to what I perceive “reality TV” shows should really be.

Unless they really go overboard and show “Honey Boo Boo’s” mother half-naked in a sex scene.

Just sayin.’

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