Social Media, Specifically “Sodahead” Has Become The “Garbage Pail” For America’s Brain Dead

trollYep, I myself subscribe to a lot of social media sites. But by far the most vile comments I’ve ever seen in my lifetime are those posted by obviously brain-dead or near brain-dead vile individuals. Otherwise known as “Internet trolls.”troll

So I said to myself, “Mousefeet, can ya find some humor in all of this?”

So, with that in mind I decided to scour, (with a realllll stiff SOS pad) some of those stupid inane comments by idiotic individuals on “Sodahead” and let you see what types of low lives who want nothing but to cause hate and discontent actually live for….which is, as I just said, to do nothing but cause hate and discontent.

Let us beginith…………

First one on the idiotic brain-dead list: A response to this question posted by Robert from South (where) Dakota on Sodahead:

Obama embraces the communist regime of Cuba . And spits in the eye of every patriot Cuban who’ve fought for freedom in Cuba !!

Posted by Republicans just outside of the Oval Office

Posted by Republicans just outside of the Oval Office

And in response to those commenters who favored Obama’s decision (52% of Americans) Robert came back with this intelligent response:

robert

+1

“You’ve been right since obama assumed office my friend , he really is a pinko commie fag punk !!”

Pinko Commie Punk Fag?

Geez. Where did Robert find the time to post this between all of his nightly activities of writing graffiti type slurs on bathroom and building walls.

Moving onward…………

People Magazine’s Worst Selling Issue This Year? The One With Hillary Clinton On The Cover……Surprised ?

Personally, I would have guessed this one

Personally, I would have guessed this one

That question posted by “Capice” from Florida, the no problems EVER with elections state.

My favorite intelligent response comes from this guy, (MrDog) from Poland, who obviously has not read the current polls showing Hillary beating ANY opponent. Um, can they vote for an American President in Poland?

mrdog

+1

“Butch and Bubba live in never neverland… America doesn’t want her…barkP.S. Even after she learns to prepare a cigar….Bubba doesn’t want her…ha ha”

This guy needs to find a really good fire hydrant to piss on. Like who TF cares what a guy who can’t vote in the U.S. has to say.

On a lighter note, thought I’d throw this cutting edge question someone asked:

Would You Dye Your Underarm Hair?

Why fret about underarm hair. A simple procedure solves the problem

Why fret about underarm hare. A simple procedure solves the problem

One cute response from White Roseila:

White Roselia
+3

“No wtf O_O”

Yep….one of MY major concerns is dying my underarm hair. I would have posted that question myself but I was too busy searching for other questions as to if I should dye my pubic hair as well.

In the “Let’s Beat A Dead Horse To Death” category……this pic of Bill Clinton went viral on Twitter because he (gasp) posed with a woman and apparently had his (gasp) had on her (gasp) shoulder, which (gasp) prompted one social media concerned individual to post this question:

Twitter Explodes As Users Wonder If This Viral Photo Means Bill Clinton Is Up To His Old Ways

Yep……but they missed photos of Clinton shaking hands with other women, posing for photos, signing autographs and (gasp) doing some selfies. Clearly a sign that he’s up to his old ways.

Which prompted yet another intelligent response:

Bullet Holes

+1

“That pervert needs to be neutered.”

Moving on…….even Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart is not immune to social media idiots:

Jon Stewart Rips Dick Cheney on Torture : Is He ‘Righteous Warrior or a Psychopath?’ Funny? Not Funny?

That Cheney....what a guy....always on the job

That Cheney….what a guy….always on the job

**Bessie**

+1

“John Stewart is a Psychopath. Dick Cheney is brilliant.”

Cripes…..I would have reversed that one Bessie. If you think Cheney is brilliant call me. I can link you up with some water boarding and anal feeling sites you might be interested in just in time for Christmas. Maybe you might wanna get some gift certificates for those functions for those you absolutely care for.

“Oh my Gawd Bessie. You shouldn’t have. My own water boarding kit. AND……a anal feeding tube. And both autographed by Dick Cheney. You are soooooooo caring.”

So, once again, because I’m into self punishment, I decided to post my own “troll-baiting” “brain-dead” fishing lure out there. Jussssssssssssssst to see if I could reel in more idiots who don’t have a freakin’ clue but are allowed to have computers so they can post inane comments because……they don’t have a clue and are, as I said, brain-dead and trolls.

And ya wonder you should lock your doors at night.

So, here’s what I posted on (gasp) the Sodahead site:

If 56% Of Americans, Including American Businesses Want To Reestablish Relations With Cuba, Why Are Republicans Against It?

mmmmm

Guessed we showed him…….

Bringgggggggggggggg on the zombies………here’s a perfect example of what I’m taking about,

  •  (comment from “jptrigen….who called me “Robert” because he was obviously really paying attention in the first place)

    jptrigen .

  • +1

    “It’s a given, even customary, a courtesy, to provide credible sources/evidence to substantiate/confirm assertions or allegations . You provided not a shred, Robert. Was that intentional?”
    Richard
    “How foolish of me to watch 5 different new sources on TV today all reporting exactly what I stated. Obviously you have not been paying attention. I would NOT post such a question and make a statement regarding what percentages are along with what Republicans, IE: McConnell, Rubio, Cruz, McCain, to name a few were quoted as saying which “I” also observed on national TV.”

    jptrigen .

    +1

    “Oh, you heard it on the BOOB-Tube, did ya now? Well, why didn’t you say so, because obviously your asinine question was aimed at all the BOOBS who watch the Tube, and i wouldn’t have had to waste my time. Thanks a lot, you Putz!”
  • Richard

  • “HEY! YOU were the one troll I was looking for to highlight on my daily blog because YOU my friend made it to the Internet Troll list. Whew! Thanks, I was almost certain everyone would be intelligent in commenting, then YOU showed up. Thanks…..REALLY! BTW…I DID do MY research as apparently you did not. So who’s the freakin putz here?”

    jptrigen .

  • “Richard, why waste your time here posting nonsense, when you could be watching ‘Honey Boo Boo’ instead. Where are your priorities, man?”
    So ya see, be afraid….be verrrrry afraid. They’re out there walking amongst us freely with no one paying any attention to them. Until they go off the deep end.”
    Well, enough said. I will add that a majority of the respondents to my question were civil, actually used some logic, and agreed that it was time to ease up on Cuba.
    But….apparently, those people were putzs like me.
     http://youtu.be/nauLgZISozs
    Need I say more…………………..
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OMFG! This Terrible Frightening Nightmare Keeps Happening…..

Pleaseeeeeeee,,,,,make them go away.....

Pleaseeeeeeee,,,,,make them go away…..

There I was, snuggled up under my electric blankie, afghan, hoodie, and one furry cat, (it’s New England in December) and ready for my wonderful comforting afternoon nap, (an old people ritual) when I began to fall into a deep peaceful slumber. Visions of sugar plums dancing in my head. (actually visions of Sofia Vergara’s sugar plums)

(little holiday season humor there)

mmmmm

Yes Sofia……tis the season to share. (cartoonists misspell of the word “to”)

Then it happened. My recurring nightmare. Yes! The same freakin’ nightmare I’ve been having since the mid-term elections were finally over. I keep dreaming that it’s 2016 and it’s election time again. OMFG!!!!!!!!!

I broke out in a cold sweat once again and had to take two tranquilizers. Um, make that three.

Why in the hell was I dreaming about this? Why….why…..am I continually haunted by this terrible nightmare. Then….then…it hit me. The #!@*&%$# news media. They’re starting to make a list, and checking it twice, (Christmas season) of all the possible Republican prospects that might run for the Presidency in 2016. WTF!

GIVE ME A FREAKIN’ BREAK CBS EVENING NEWS!!!! (they were the last ones, Sunday night) that reported on possible candidates. Which most likely triggered my afternoon nightmare once again. WAIT……local news will be jumpin’ on the ol bandwagon verrrrry soon.

Cue Judy Collins: "Send In The Clowns."

Cue Judy Collins: “Send In The Clowns.”

Alllllll those names kept floating around in my head, (like rotten sugar plums) and visions of endless TV commercials, (sandwiched between Viagra ones) and those same bunch of guys who wanna be President were right there in my face.

Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Scott Walker, Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal, Jeb Bush, Chris Christie, Tim Pawlenty, Paul Ryan, John Thune, Rick Santorum and Flit Fronkney…..um…..WAIT……..sorry, that’s Mitt Romney. (I tried to forgot about him which is why I couldn’t quite remember his name)

PLEASE……PULEEEEEEESE! Not now Gawd! It’s waaaaay too early for me to have these recurring nightmares.

But…..they keep happening. They will not go away. I’m doomed I tell ya. Doomed.

It’s gotten to the point that I’m now beginning to play candidate games in my mind as I attempt to doze off. How sad is that!

Like thinking that Rand Paul should reverse his name and be Paul Rand and have a name that at least sounds like it’s in order. After all, EVERYBODY knows someone called “Paul.” But Rand? Who TF names their kid Rand. Obviously someone named Ron. Makes sense to me.

You AND Bill Clinton

You AND Bill Clinton

And Ted Cruz. Cripes Ted, spell it the right way. “Cruise for Gawds sake. Then you could at least run your campaign showing cruise ships in the background and get people’s attention. Everybody likes to take cruises. Um, stay away from Italian cruise ships however. Just a tip there.

Costa Cruz Concordia II

Costa Cruz Concordia II

Marco Rubio is another one. The guy is so young-looking, about 9 years old, how can ya believe you could trust him holding the nuclear button. “Waa Waa Waa, I’m having a bad day and my little sister pissed me off….gimmie that damn button you bastards…I’ll show ya.”

Hey! Are W-T-F considered vowels?

Hey! Are W-T-F considered vowels?

Bobby Jindal. Now I personally never cared for Bobby. One of the reasons is that I always hated the song, “Bobby’s Girl” by Marcie Blane. Cause I had to play it once every hour on some radio station I worked for years ago. Ruined me for life.

The other reason is that he constantly has that constant George Hamilton tan look. Um……WAIT! Oh, sorry, he’s Indian. That’s how he really looks. BUT…..the other reason is that he was always up John Boehner’s butt whenever you saw the two of them together. (hmmm…..maybe it’s not a tan after all)

mmmmm

Bobby Hamilton Jindal

 

mmmm

George Jindal Hamilton

Chris Christie I kinda like because he actually has a pair of balls. (who knows, maybe more than two) because he says what he thinks, and usually it’s “F**k off you idiots, I’m gonna do what the hell I want.”

I like that in a candidate. BUT…..he’s had his problems, (Bridgegate or whatever) and he needs to come across as a nice guy. Like perhaps changing his name from Chris Christie to Kris Kringle. Advantage: Election time is one month before Christmas in 2016 so he could dress up as Santa Claus and get the little children’s’ vote.

Um…WAIT! Little children won’t be able to vote. DAMN!  WAIT! If he starts now and nails those 16 year olds they’ll by 18 by 2016. Thank me later Chris…um…Kris.

mmmmm

Kris Christie Claus

Then there’s Rick Santorum. Maybe he’s a great guy but his name, Santorum sounds like it was shortened from “sanatorium” and, considering he’s had a lot of strange ideas maybe he’s an escapee from an actual sanatorium, couldn’t remember his real name, and figured, “What the hell, I spent a lot of time there, might as well call myself Santorum.

mmmm

Birds of a feather flock together

Paul Ryan scares the bejesus outta me. No wonder I’m having nightmares just seeing him on TV with those werewolf eyes. Think I’m kidding. Watch a werewolf movie then get a video clip of Paul Ryan. Same guy. Honest!

Need I say more

Need I say more

Tim Pawlenty, (who?) the Governator of Minnesota as far as I’m concerned stands a snowball’s chance in hell of EVER becoming President. WHY…….BECAUSE FOR THE MOST PART NOBODY OUTTA MINNESOTA KNOWS WHO THE F**K HE IS FOR CRIPES SAKE. Give it up Tim and save yourself a few million bucks.

Hellllp! I'm melting.....

Hellllp! I’m melting…..

Same goes for South Dakota, (where?) where Sen. John Thune, (who?) is mentioned as a possible candidate. SOUTH DAKOTA!!!! Another place that’s so far out that even the deer and the antelope don’t play there. So how in the hell is this guy gonna garner any votes. Move Jim…..move……maybe to Hawaii. Worked for the last guy that won.

mmmmm

All three of them

Our final possible candidate is none other than Jeb, (are there any more left) Bush. Whose campaign slogan could really be a catchy one. “Another Bush in the White House is like two former Presidents in the Bush.” Kinda like a twist on the ol bird in the hand thing.

Then there’s always the sexual innuendos having the name “Bush” that the other two Bushes didn’t take advantage of. If ya catch my drift here. Jeb could cut a deal with Playboy Magazine and REALLY promote the “Bush” name. (sorry, couldn’t resist that one)

mmmmm

“Nightmare on Pennsylvania Ave”

Oh…..sorry, I forgot three last possible candidates. Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. Only because I’m trying to forget him.

mmmm

As jerks go……….

Mike Huckabee, because I can’t even begin to imagine the field day cartoonists will have if he got elected. (Think Huckleberry Finn folks)huckabee

And……..Rick Flostby….um….oops…..sorry….hard to remember that guys name….Mitt Romney.

Mitt…..Mitt…..before you decide to jump in call Linda McMahon or Tom Foley in Connecticut. Unless you wanna join that exclusive two loser club.

Mitt. Remember thqat old motto: If at first you don't succeed, give the f**k up for cripes sake.

Mitt. Remember that old motto: If at first you don’t succeed, give the f**k up for cripes sake.

Ok…so now you see why I’m already having nightmares. I see all these campaign ads comin’ down the pike. And it’s not even close to election time.

OMFG how worse can this get? What could possibly push me over the edge and send me back into campaign ad therapy? Worse……give me even more horrible nightmares……………

mmmmm

Listen to the fish Sarah….listen to the fish!!!!!

 

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

“Hello…..Doctor Frosklinker. This is Misfit….um….I think I’m ready for you to up my tranquilizers to 1,000 milligrams and yeah, I’ll be rescheduling my visits to every other day thru 2016.

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“UPS.” U Pay Substantially

mmmmm

Defined below

  1. Innovation

    • n.noun
      1. The act of introducing something new.

      2. Something newly introduced.

      3. Except for idiots who want us to ship a heavy thing to California.

Yep…..today’s blog is about UPS and my wonderful non shipping experience.

For those of you who aren’t too familiar with UPS, here’s a clue for ya.ups1Ok….now that you get my point, here’s how all this began.

Sooooo. Because I live on a shoestring and my 3 freeloading cats cost me a fortune in cat food and litter, once in a while I go on a scavenger hunt in our basement looking for items I could sell on eBay and perhaps make it through yet another month.

Soooooo, I said to myself, “Misfit, what about that 10 ton floor polisher/sander that’s been gathering dust since Noah got off the ark.”  Yep…no need to hold on to that. Like “I’M” gonna be getting into any of that stuff anytime in the near future. NOT!

Sooooooo. How hard could this be to list it on eBay and, obviously, because this thing weighs more than me, offer it for local pickup only.

Nooooooooooooo problem.

So where do I get an offer from? Yep. You guessed it. California. Which we all know is only a stone’s throw from Connecticut. Obviously qualifies for “local” pickup. Duh!

So I tell this guy that’s interested in the item that it would probably cost waaaaaay too much to ship it to California. But, he says, if shipping is under $100, he would buy it. And that I should call UPS and ask them the rates. Which I did.ups3

So call UPS and get this guy from India, (also local) on the phone and he has no idea what a floor polisher/sander is. I’m thinking, “Do they not have floors in India?”

Or, maybe they just don’t polish or sand their floors.

Or, their floors ARE sand.

Anyhow, after 15 minutes of explaining what a floor/polisher sander is, the agent kicks me over to UPS Freight, I assume because of the weight and awkward shipping container it would require, (I’m again thinking, how the f**k do you package a floor/sander polisher)

The agent suggested “bubble wrap,” at which point I was relieved he transferred me to Lucritia McEvil in the freight department.

(It was at this point (20 minutes on the phone with Singjay, I thought of that old joke. If FedEx and UPS merged what would it be called……FedUp.(FedEx delivery van and employee).

Soooooooooo. Ms. McEvil advised me that to ship this monstrosity to California, which we, here in New England refer to as the end of the Earth, along with UPS, it would only cost me $1,000. Oh yeah, PLUS shipping and handling.

Soooooooooo, I’m thinking to myself once again……..”Shipping and handling?” WTF is the $1,000 for then? DUH!

Sooooooooooooooooooooo. As usual, if you recall my “Krispy Kreme” clusterf**k blog, I once again banged off an e-mail to the wonderful folks at UPS and filled out their standard form for asking stupid questions.

The form began with:

(UPS)What is your question or comment?

My question:

(Misfit) I really would like someone to logically explain why, after talking to UPS on the phone regarding a 60 pound item, (floor polisher) that it would have cost me over $1,000 plus handling to send this to California. THIS IS NOT A NUCLEAR REACTOR!!!! It’s a floor polisher. So, what is it exactly that costs $1,000? A truck? You have those. A plane? You have those too. Manpower? I believe you DO have hourly employees. So what is it? Really appreciate a “logical” answer.

mmmmmm

Then again….it does kinda resemble a nuclear reactor

I then receive an automated e-mail response, (6:37 PM) telling me that within four hours, (the length of time it takes electronic e-mails to travel through the stratosphere) I would receive a reply. (actual response time from my e-mail: From “customer.service@ups.com” Thu Dec 11 23:37:30 2014) Ok…Ok….so I forgot the 30 seconds.

I received a reply from UPS at 10:37 PM with this response:

“Thank you for your e-mail. UPS rates are calculated based upon the following shipment characteristics.”

- Weight
– Dimensions
– Origin and destination ZIP Codes
– Pickup or drop-off method
– Service level

“Rates are calculated on a per package basis. To calculate shipping rates, please view our web site’s Calculate Time and Cost feature using the following link:”

http://wwwapps.ups.com/QCCWebApp/request

“I am sorry for any confusion about UPS shipping rates. I sincerely apologize for any frustration this situation has caused.”

“Please contact us if you need any additional assistance.”

So, as you can see, they answered my original question, (see original e-mail at beginning of blog) with corporate speak. Meaning basically, some idiot at UPS pulled out a standard “reply to complaint form,” addressed the issue of shipping, and totally ignored my questions as to why it costs $1,000 to ship something to California.

Like I already didn’t know they base their shipping charges on weight, dimensions, origin and destination ZIP codes. DUH!

Soooooo, again UPS, WTF costs you $1,000?

You and I both know we’ll never get a logical answer to that question.

Now normally, as in the case of Krispy Kreme, I would not patronize UPS again. BUT, I have no complaints with MY local UPS delivery person. Always on time. Always friendly and ready to help me out with any problems, including lifting heavy packages. AND…….um……well….er…….ups4I think that says it all.

As for that guy that wanted my floor sander/polisher. I told him to forget about getting the one I have and that for $5.00 I’d sell him a hand drill with a polisher on it and a can of wax.

Ships via UPS reallllllllllllll cheap.

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MisfitWisdom Off The Cuff Musings……….(subtitled: Bitch Day)

stressed4

Once in a while you have to let it all out. You know what I mean. When your brain goes into overload mode and you just have to bitch about things that have been bothering you for a while. Today is one of those days.

Some of you may also,as I have on occasion, chosen this option.

Directions: Nail to any Elm or Oak tree and proceed to follow the rest of the diretions

Directions: Nail to any Elm or Oak tree and proceed to follow the rest of the directions

My brain overload button hit its peak last night watching the TV show “Forever.” The “tilt” light came on when the first set of commercials during the show aired. Like a few minutes into the plot of the program.

At that point I go into my counting the times between the program and the commercial breaks. It’s something we people who hate commercials do. I figured that during an hour-long show there are about between 15 and 20 minutes of commercials and 40 minutes of an actual show. WTF!

mmmmm

HEY! If it’s not that Victoria’s Secret commercial, screw it. I’m making myself a baloney sandwich

It wouldn’t be so bad if those commercials were actually entertaining, such as the “Jake From State Farm” commercial, or those “Victoria Secret” ones, or even the latest “Viagra” commercials with those sexy models. I might add THOSE commercials for Viagra are kinda sensual. From a males viewpoint of course.

But those other inane screaming pounding loud music down your throat and out your butt mind-blowing commercials for other things like cars, store sales, and the ever popular pharmaceutical ads drive me freakin’ nutso.

Hey…pay attention to all those prescription ads and tell me if YOU would take any of that stuff after hearing all of the various side effects from taking any of them.

“Yes folks, a daily dose of our new prescription medication Preventacal, which prevents you from making stupid remarks you’ll be sorry for later is now available in capsule form. One capsule up your butt once a day and you’ll never be called an asshole again.

(NOTE) Side effects may include bloating, burping, excessive farting, glazed over eyeballs, a sudden urge to blow your nose with bathroom tissue and the urge to gamble while naked. If you experience any of these side effects consult your physician immediately, or, lock yourself in your home until the effects wear off.

Of course my favorite medication is one that I’ve posted in here before…..and it ALWAYS works for me. try it…..no side effects either.fuckitol

And……..backed up by satisfied users…………..

mmmm

FUKITOL….now in a handy spray dispenser

I also bitched when advertisers begin advertising Christmas stuff the second week of November. WTF!

HEY! Why not just start advertising the holidays in June for cripes sake. Have Santa dressed up in Bermuda shorts hawking sun tan lotion or cruise lines.

“Yes folks, it’s only a gazillion days till Christmas, BUT, why wait until December to take advantage of our great cruise line deals, AND, you get to schmooze with none other than Santa Claus. Experience intimate moments with the old guy as he tells you stories of his escapades while delivering goodies to all the boys and girls and sometimes catching mommy and daddy under the tree doing more stuff than allowed under the mistletoe.”

“Chestnuts roasting in an open fire”……(daddy got too close to the fireplace)'I'm afraid it's another case of 'chestnuts roasting too near an open fire,' doctor.'

Jack Frost nipping at your nose…..while were at it…………….

Clearly a case for the CSI team

Clearly a case for the CSI team

Then there’s those pre-Thanksgiving, Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals.

Yeah right.EPSON scanner image

Ms. Misfit and I went into a store the second week of November and spotted a bigggggg box waaaay up on a shelf of an item we wanted to buy that was labeled, “Hold for pre-Thanksgiving Sale.” The item was priced at $199.00 on the store’s showroom floor, soooooo, we figured, being kind of consumer smarty pants, that the item would be marked down considerably during their “pre-Thanksgiving sale”.

So we waited, and waited, and waited, for the store circular to arrive. Did it arrive. Nope. So, what to do considering pre-Thanksgiving means “pre”, which, I assumed means, BEFORE Thanksgiving. With one day before “pre” still no circular. So, I called and asked what the sale price of the item would be.

“Um, can ya tell me what the sale price of the “Flosenderker 1000 Snowblower” will be during your pre-Thanksgiving sale sir.”

“Oh sure, hold on a sec. Oh yeah, the sale price will be $199.00.”

“Um…..so let me see if I understand this correctly. The regular price in $199.00 and, when it goes on sale it’ll be $199.oo?”

“Yep, that’s correct sir. Want me to hold one for you?”

(trying to figure out this store’s logic in my brain but failing, I simply say, as my brain goes into overload mode)

“Hey pal……I got something you can hold for me!”

“Sure, gladly, what is it?”

“My freakin’ ass you damn idiot.”

We eventually got the store to see things our way by simply using logic. Wielding a fully loaded shotgun and crying uncontrollably at the service desk also helped a bit in getting the item at a lower price.

My selfie at the store service desk

My selfie at the store service desk

My final bitching has to do with putting up Christmas decorations. Now I’m not a damn Scrooge who goes around yelling “bah humbug” during the holiday season. BUT, that said, there comes a time when dragging out all of the decorations becomes a freaking chore.

Why? Because no one EVER comes to our house and who in the hell, besides us and the three cats are gonna see them? My logic.

Besides, if you own a cat, or cats, do you have ANY idea what those little bastards do to Christmas trees and balls when you’re not at home?

Yep…..cat olympics.catc1

For example. This year we decided to just erect our Christmas village knowing that the maniac cats would not bother with ceramic lighted houses. BUT….it takes us a while to get everything in place. AND….of course you NEVER have enough of those small batteries on hand, so, you have to once again spend a small fortune on picking up an ample supply of new ones.

Which means sometimes you have to let things just sit around until you pick those batteries up. Which also means cats, devious little SOB’s, see tiny wires and say to themselves, “Hey…..those look tasty.”

Hence, a number of tiny streetlights, trees, bushes and whatever get gnawed at. I might add that in scooping the litter box I was concerned that my cats somehow become infested with worms until I discovered it was those wires they gnawed at.

I figure it this way. If it happens again I’m just gonna plug in a cat with those wires hangin’ outta their butts and see if they light up. HEY….ya never know if they ate a bulb or two in the process. Besides, it really would make a great conversation piece. Ya think.

By the way, a special note to Santa should he use our bathroom this year, watch out for the cats.catc3

So that’s my bitching session for a while. Glad I got all that off of my chest. I feel much better now.

Only because I just took five of those “Fukitol” capsules myself……..soooooooo, f**k it all.

Just sayin.’

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HEY! Now Here’s An Election I Could Really Get Into. Literally!

mmmm

Please pass the bathroom tissue roll

“The National Memo,” which is NOT a web site that promotes taking sticky notes, writing memos on them, and posting them all over the freakin’ place, is actually a site that, um, well……frankly I don’t have a clue, but, anyhow, they posted this story about elections in Australia. Namely, a new political party called, “The Australian Sex Party.”

Which, if I had seen any of their ads, most likely would have thought it was an actual “sex party” and banged on their party headquarters door to let me in on the fun.

But, alas, it’s an actual political party. DAMN!

Here’s how the “National Memo” explained it on their site:

“Now here’s something we just don’t see in the United States. The Australian state of Victoria held an election this past weekend, and a most unusual third party appears to be winning a seat in the parliament’s upper house, with its system of proportional representation: The Australian Sex Party, founded by the country’s adult-entertainment industry in order to make open and proud combat against the religious right.”

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Unless there’s some candidate whose last name IS Hemorrhoids

AND….unlike those boring political ads here in the United States, these ads are really entertaining. Cept I still can’t figure out who any of the candidates are. BUT…..who gives a rats ass……I love these ads. Take a look. (below)

Now can you imagine any political ad like this here in the U.S.? Me thinkith not. After all, we here in the states are lily-white puritans and Gawd forbid we throw some spiciness into the political arena. Excluding Anthony Weiner and his woody bulging BVD’s.

Now, all that said, which I just did, I researched some past political ads just to see if any came close to Australia’s sexy party ad, and thanks to a fellow blogger at “This Blog Rules,” comes this parody ad for President Obama back in 2007.

I might add, that the girl in the video, Amber Lee Ettinger, had my vote in that final butt shot……I’m easy that way.

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Not to be undone, a Catalonian voting booth ad, (part of Spain) shows us that voting can really be a wonderful experience………(pant)

Out in California comes yet another sexy ad which thanks Republicans for all of their promises.

And, finally, the ONE political ad from the Netherlands that every red-blooded man on the face of the Earth would definitely pay attention to, and, most likely run like hell to the voting booth and vote for the candidate that ran this ad, me included…………….

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Um, how many times can I vote baybeee?

The above ad was meant as a parody to prove a point. Which was some of the lengths that politicians might go to in order to get your vote.

Um, I’m seriously considering moving to the Netherlands, registering to vote, jusssssst in case some candidate DOES promise this one.

HEY! I said I WAS shallow for cripes sake.

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Merry Catmus.* *Subtitled: How To Spoil Your Human Controlling Cat

Tis the season of giving. To your cat.

After all, isn’t it cats that deserve great holiday gifts after giving you 364 days of faithful purring, stroking, meowing, clawing and depositing numerous furballs all over your house. Oh yeah….and barfing. Usually while you’re eating.

But, the one reason (indoor) cats deserve to be honored, and NOT dogs………DSCF0290

Need I say more.

Anyhow, to show your love and affection for these furry creatures, “Cat Fancy Magazine” has listed some really great gifts for your feline. So, as a purrblic service, I am showing you a few of these items for your consideration.

(MisfitWisdom, along with my cats, were in no way compensated by Cat Fancy Magazine or any of the listed manufacturers for presenting these items to you…..although I am open to being bribed by other manufacturers)

Our first item is the “Be Forever Furless Brush,” ($19.95)  from “lillybrush.com” It’s designed to pick up cat fur from just about everything. Except from those pesky single strands of cat fur that wind up on your dinner plate. (cough)

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Go ahead, get rid of my stray fur. But, heh heh, I already left one in your soup.

Obviously the King and Queens of your house need nothing but the best with which to rest their bodies after a long tiresome day of sleeping 23 hours. This blanketed pet pad ONLY sells for a mere $132.95 from “plushpetcompany.com”

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WHAT! No electric blanket for cripes sake!

Every indoor cat obviously needs a touch of the outdoors so that they can thumb their little noses up at those arrogant squirrels who taunt them from trees just outside of their cat perches in your bay window. This “Blaze Cat Tree” should do the trick. Providing you want to fork over $149.99 to “petpalsgroup.com”

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HEY! Nuts to you squirrel. MY tree is indoors and I’M not freezin’ my butt off like you.

Ever try to give your cat a pill………without getting clawed beyond recognition. Alas, the problem is solved with “Goofurr.” Yep, for only $11.99 from “goofurr.com” you simply take this stuff, which turns your cats medications, (no Viagra for cats) into something that they will want to lick. Hence, they get their medication and you save on band aids and trips to the hospital for cat scratches.

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Ok…ok…but do not smear it on my butt

Perhaps your cat is into kinky stuff like you are. If that’s the case, how about this “Jackson Galaxy Mojo Maker Wand, ($14.99) from “petmate.com.” Might as well have Fluffy join in the fun while you and Roxie La Femme also get it on.

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Oooooo. Whip me good babyeeeee………

When I first looked at this “KittyKaddy Double Diner and Taurus Diner” from kiddykaddy.com” (($19.00 to $45.00) I had some difficulty immediately understanding the need for the long stick with the red thingy on top. My first thought, if you wanted to ditch your cane and take a walk with your cat while they were eating. Or, if you have trouble bending over to pick up your cat’s dish to refill it. The latter is correct. For people who can’t bend over.

Frankly, I’d use it just to piss off my cats and make them follow me around the house tryin’ to get to their food. My other half, who actually does have trouble bending over….well, that’s another story.

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OK granny. Either you stop moving the freakin’ dish or I’m gonna claw your damn pantyhose

Ok….now this one is a bit much as far as I’m concerned. It’s the “Motorola Scout 66 WiFi Pet Monitor” that sells for $99.99 from “motorola.com.” Do ya really think I’M gonna spend $99.99 to monitor my cats? Do ya punk! WTF!

So I monitor them and hear meow, pfssst, meow, meow. So what? They do that now. Ya think I’m gonna panic if I’m at a CVS with my monitor connected to a damn WiFi on my laptop and go bonkers if I hear all that? WiFi THIS ya little bastards. I got better things to do with my WiFi connection than listening to cats raising hell. Like viewing those naked photos on the web of Kim Kardashian while my other half is filling her prescriptions.

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Meow, meow, rowl, pfssst, meow, meow, hack, hack, barf.

OK…..this one makes absolute sense for once. A cat mat so they can wipe their paws on before eating. Similar to me washing my hands before eating. Actually the ridges around this mat prevent the food from getting all over your floor, (yeah right) and also keeps their bowl from moving. Available from “petfusion.com” for only $15.95. (minus the food and a bar of soap they need to wash up before eating)

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Crap! Same ol freakin’ slop

The “Perfecter 3 in 1 Cat Scratcher Post” ( $89.00) is exactly that. A cat scratcher post. BUT……me thinkith, by observing the look on this cats face that he might have second thoughts about using it. Available at “pettreehouses.com”

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WAIT! Is this my masters sex toy or a cat scratcher post? Screw it, I ain’t touchin’ it. Gawd knows where its been.

WHAT! A super kitty condo? For $19.99 from “supercatproducts.com.”  WAIT! Is it me or do these cat condos look like cardboard boxes?

Nope…..it’s NOT me, they DO look like cardboard boxes with holes cut into them. Sooooo, why would I pay $19.99 for these, or a starter kit for $9.99 or an add on for $4.99 when all I have to do is go to any dumpster behind a Target, WalMart or any other store, grab some cardboard boxes, and make my own.

Unless of course you don’t shop at those stores and prefer more upscale stores like Bloomingdales and don’t wanna be caught rummaging thru their dumpsters.

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Hey Harry, I can see Russia from here.

Should you wish to give your feline the thrill of its life while playing the song, “Three Coins In The Fountain,” this “Bateau Pet fountain” ($164.00) should do the trick. I myself splurge and let my cats drink out of the water faucet in the kitchen and it only costs me zilch. Cept maybe for an extra two bucks on my water bill. But hey, their worth it. This is available at “thirstycatfountains.com.”

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Make a wish….make a wish….um…um……ok……um…..high grade Mexican Gold Catnip.

Ah so, presenting the “Zen Clipper,” from “zenclipper.com” ($19.95) This allows you to cut your cats claws at the very tip without worrying about cutting too high and injuring the cat. It also allows you to save a few bucks by not having to take your cat with you to you local salon so that you can both have you nails done at the same time. Waste not want not.

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Ok, and when you’re done I want some Revlon nail polish on my claws

Ya can’t do a Christmas cat gift list without the ultimate gift for Tabby. “Touch Of Outdoors” cat litter from “preciouscat.com” ($14.99 to $18.99) This is so that if you have any guilt feelings about not letting your cat poop outdoors you can still give it that outdoor poop experience. Then scoop up the litter box so that you too can share that outdoor poop experience. Sharing is nice.

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Man….sure wish I could poop outdoors like normal cats

 

And finally, when it comes to cat toys, how about “My Mouse and SockKittys” to keep Garfield amused. They sell for $24.95 each from “gocattoys.com” and I’m almost positive they wash the socks before they make toys out of them. I think.

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Sock It to Me

BUT WAIT! As they say on those TV offers…..there’s more.

YES…..you can also buy a litter of cat socks jussssst in case your cat is spayed and you feel sorry for it and still harbor guilt feelings. YEP….for only $120.00 you can order a litter of cat socks. Such a deal.

OR……you can simply throw Sylvester one of your old socks and be done with it and save yourself $24.95 and go out and buy booze or something. Works for me.

mmm

What a “cat litter” of socks look like. (obviously contributed by people with only two toes)

So, those were some of the best gifts for cats according to Cat Fancy Magazine.

However, because some of these gifts are really high-priced and you might be on somewhat of a tight budget, MisfitWisdom has solved that problem for you.

The perfect cat toy/gift for your cat on Christmas. And….its FREE!!!!

OMFG Noooooooooo!!!!

OMFG Noooooooooo!!!!

Great idea or what!

You can thank me later. Merry Catmus……………….

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Special December Events. For People Bored Outta Their Tree.

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Words to live by

Yes the holidays are upon us, much to the great joy of retailers. Instead of sugar plums dancing in their heads, its dollar signs. BUT, it’s not just Christmas that people celebrate this month. Or makes those retailers sniff out your hard-earned bucks.

Nope. There are other days worth mentioning that you may wish to celebrate this month as well as buying stuff for, such as……………..

December 3rd, which is, believe it or not, “National Roof Over Your Head Day.”

I know, you think I’m making this stuff up. Trust me…I’m not.

So, if you have a roof over your head, hey, have a drink to celebrate it pal.

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Hmmm. Would an artificial sweetener like Splenda work then?

December 5th is “Bathtub Party Day.” AND….because I myself spend considerable time in my own bathroom adjacent to my bathtub, which is also verrrry close to my bedroom, I figure, what the hell, might as well go full hog in celebrating this day with the works.

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As well as letting your pets, dogs or cats, celebrate Bathtub Day too.

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Woof……..

Or you could just attend some of those “PETA” demonstrations to show your support for Bathtub Day while at the same time getting your merry jollies.

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Hey Ma….look! I’m celebrating Bathtub Day

One of my favorites, next to “Up Your Nose With A Rubber Hose Day,” is “Take It In The Ear Day,” celebrated on December 8th. What YOU choose to take in your ear is strictly your own damn business.

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WHAT YOU’D SAY MA?

My guess is that in honor of that great rock and roller Chuck Berry, they decided to call December 12th “National Ding-a-Ling Day.” Which can be interpreted as either getting a bunch of bells and ding-a-linging to your heart’s content, OR, if you’re a damn pervert and think your ding-a-ling is your Johnson, well, I guess you could also celebrate this day playing with your ding-a-ling as well.

mmmm

“National Lemon Cupcake Day” is celebrated on December 15th. I personally, loving cupcakes, and my favorite, those chocolate covered lemon filled donuts, will not be celebrating this day. Thanks to those #%$#@! people at my local Krispy Kreme donut shop who gave me a lot of grief because I wanted that stinkin’ donut.

Nothing against cupcakes mind you, I just feel on this day I should boycott lemons in honor of my stance on Krispy Kreme*.

(*refer to my Sept 12, 2014 blog in the MisfitWisdom archives)

mmmmm

Trust me Martha, it wasn’t the guy at Krispy Kreme

Another one of my favorite days this month is on December 16th which is “National Chocolate Covered Anything Day.”

mmmm

Um……maybeeeeeeeeeee

I know, you can cover ANYTHING in chocolate and eat it. There are, for you demented people, even chocolate stores that make x-rated body part chocolates. Honest! Um….er…..how do I know this? Um…….I read it somewhere. Yeah….that’s it. I read it somewhere. (whew)

mmmmm

Um…we’re talkin’ chocolate here aren’t we?

Even pigs, (the four-legged kind) have their day with “National Roast Suckling Pig Day” on December 18th. Oh joy.

mmmm

HEY! Where’s the apple that’s supposed to complete the roast pig meal?

WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Ok…..thanks.

For those of you who absolutely hate the holidays, fear not. Your day is on December 21st. “Humbug Day.”

Um....sorry, contrary to opinion THIS is NOT how it began

Um….sorry, contrary to opinion THIS is NOT how it began

As we all know, we can thank Charles Dickens for creating that famous line, “bah humbug,” in “A Christmas Carol.”

The true origin of bah humbug

The true origin of bah humbug

“National Flashlight Day” is December 21st. To quote Arte Johnson, “Verrrrry interesting….but schtoopid!” Need I say more.

The only ones who appreciate this day

The only ones who appreciate this day

The dreaded fruitcake even has its own day. Blaccccch!

Yes, December 27th is “National Fruitcake Day.” You can either celebrate this day by devouring an actual fruitcake. Baking one that no one will EVER eat. Or calling someone you know is a freakin’ fruitcake and wishing them well on their day.

mmmm

One final thought on why nobody like fruitcakes. Because a lot of us know where the fruit comes from.

mmmmm

“National Bicarbonate of Soda Day,” most likely the brainchild of those folks at Arm & Hammer Company, is on December 30th. And, we all know the many uses for, as it’s also known, baking soda. Yep……kills odors. Ask any mortician.

mmmm

Our final day of celebration is on December 31st. “Unlucky Day.”

Personally, I celebrate this all year long considering my stinkin’ lottery number hasn’t come in YET!

mmmm

And crunchy too

But you could also choose not to celebrate this day and ward off any chances of being unlucky by wearing a lucky rabbits foot.

mmmm

Which is why rabbits do not celebrate this day

Rather, they celebrate that day in other ways……………..

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Lucky Human Foot Day

So, there ya have it folks. Some of the most important days in December that you might want to mark on your calendar. Besides Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Years Eve.

As for me, after seeing what people actually celebrate………………………..

mmmmm

Just sayin.’

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