Holy Crap! They Say WHAT On “South Park” !!!!!!!!!!

sp6

(NOTE) As much as I tried I could not correct fonts and paragraphs running into each other in today’s blog because I copied and pasted some quotes. Happens sometimes. So bear with me today. If you click on the main title of today’s blog, (above) it will be a lot easier to read. Just a little bit less frustrating.

Ok children, today’s lesson is how to make up your own profane words.

Yes….in today’s fast and ever-changing society those old profane words just do not cut it anymore. Such as the most commonly used word, f**k which is sooooo outdated. Who TF uses that word anymore. Besides old fossils like myself.

But, just in case you can’t really come up with any new profane words, there is a solution to that problem. Watch the TV show “South Park.”  Almost every episode has some new and useful profane words and or meanings for things that can be used in all of your everyday conversations.

Such as if I were a South park cartoon and replied to your reaction to today’s blog:

Or whatever.......

Or whatever…….

As pointed out by Bill Bradley of “The Huffington Post” who points out that, “South Park” has pushed the boundaries of what’s allowed on television. Over the years, the show has offended pretty much every group possible, despite real-world consequences, and we’ve loved them for it.”

YES Bill. The key word here is “offended,” which, as we know, when you use profanity on TV, drives all politically correct people berserk. Oh yeah, that and cleavage. Cause as we all know, the end of the world will ultimately be the result of our children hearing profanity on TV and seeing cleavage.

So Bill wrote an article for The Post highlighting  the “11 words and phrases that probably would not exist today without South Park.”

Um…..the word f**k was NOT one of them. I do believe that was attributed to General George Custer when he observed a gazillion pissed off Indians coming at him and turned to his trusty Sargent Marvin and said, “F**K!”

Or, possibly, “Marvin, I thinkith we is f**ked.” Something like that anyhow.

mmmmm

Ha, ha, ha Marvin. They sure ruined yer hat there. Ha, ha, ha….my hat survived.

So, along with Bill, I’m going to highlight the 11 phrases just to piss off those politically correct people, and hopefully catch up to the 21st century as far as using profanity myself. Damn….I hate to be outta the loop when it comes to using profanity.

Oh yeah….just for the record, here’s a quote from an 11 year-old kid with regard to profanity and South Park. Just to set the stage for some of you.

(Kid, 11 years-old on May 1,2010)

“Best show on TV”

“OK. Everybody out there thinks that South Park is so horrible and stuff. In my opinion South Park is one of the best shows on TV. It makes fun of everything and it has some great points and brings up some great topics. The first time I saw it was when I was 8. You see, everyone in America thinks that if you heard the word “sex” before you’re 15, you’ll end up a prostitute drug addict. Not true. This show has some great jokes and in most episodes there is some kind of moral. Trust me. I am a student in an elementary school and all of my friends there know perfectly well what sex is. A lot of kids must say f**k a hundred times a day. So compared to what kids hear in schools, this isn’t so bad.”

(sniff…..I’m tearing up here)

Anyhow, these are the words and phrase you should all be using in place of other outdated words and phrases.

(Comments from Bill’s article in the Huff Post are in quotes)

“1. Molesteration: What you tell the cops to get rid of your parents for a while.”

“Cartman: “When I wanted to get rid of my mom’s boyfriend, I just called the police and said he was molestering me, and I haven’t seen him for three months.”

mmmm

Call the cops will ya………..

This word most likely got its inspiration from George W. Bush’s made up word for recording things, which was, “Recordification.”
2. Mee Krob: A Thai dish that’s supposedly worse than fecal matter.”
“Cartman: “I’d scarf down a whole, wet bucket full of shit before I ate another plate of mee krob.”
Not EVER wanting to visit a restaurant serving “MeeKrob,”

El dante

Al Dente

Thanks to that explanation by Cartman, I think I’ll scrub THAT one from my list of words to forget.
3. Cheesing: Getting high off of cat urine.”“Reporter: “Why ‘cheesing’? Because it’s ‘fon’ to ‘due.'”'God! This tastes like cats...'
OMG! No wonder I’ve been spaced out so much when I’m at home. It’s those damn 3 cats I have.Um….scuse me a sec. Gotta clear things up with the narc squad who busted me last year for being high on a unidentified substance.
“4. Jakovasaurs: A humanoid duck that’s extremely annoying.”“Mr. Mackey: “Jakovasaurs kinda piss me off,m’kay.”

Well, close to a

Well, close to a Jakovasaurs

Damn! I could have used that phrase last week when that guy from (unnamed donut shop) was right into my face because I was bitching about not being able to get chocolate covered lemon filled donuts.
5. Muff Cabbage: Female private parts.”“Kyle: “The new neighbors that moved in next to Stan’s house. Me and Ike saw the mom get a parking ticket, and she called the parking cop muff cabbage.”

Subtitle: "Show me yours and I'll show you mine."

Subtitled: “Show Me Yours and I’ll Show You Mine.”

Somehow I’ll never be able to think of cabbage the same anymore.
6. Mud Monkey: Defecating in a urinal.”“Mr. Mackey: “When youdookie in the urinal, it’s bad,m’kay. How would you feel if someone came into your home,m’kay, pulled down their pants and laid a big mud monkey right on your mom’s face!”

Heyyyyyyyy....is THAT Donald Trump?

OMFG…is THAT Donald Trump?

Ya know. That 11-year-old kid was right when he said, “compared to what kidshear in schools, this isn’t so bad.” And everybody just loves going to a zoo and seeing monkeys doing that stuff. (I’m not EVEN gonna mention what baboons do to amuse people at a zoo)

Um....would it be asking too much for a little pivacy here pal

Um….would it be asking too much for a little privacy here pal

7. Red Rocket: A canine erection.”“Sharon: “Stanley, don’t you understand what you are doing?”
Stan: “I was doing ‘red rocket’ to make the dog’s milk come out.”
Refer to  “Rover” in the comic strip, “Red & Rover.”Um…THIS would be the point where “I” insert my favorite obscene nursery rhyme jussssst so that I can feel that I’m part of the South park gang.
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone.When she bent over, rover took over, he had a bone of his own.
Sorrreeeee. I couldn’t help myself. But, after all, This IS a blog about obscenities and profanity ya know.sp20
8. Snuke: A nuclear bomb in a vagina.”“Government Agent: “Mrs. Clinton, it appears that terrorists have snuck a snuke up your snizz.” Um….can they actually do that???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
9. Durka Dur: Nonsense randomly shouted by rednecks upset about job loss.”“Various Characters: “They Took Our Jobs! They Terk Er Jerbs! Durka Dur!”
This can only be repeated when you have a mouthful of peanut butter. This also works quite well if you are ever asked that woman question, “Do I look fat in this dress.”  Which would sound like, “Yesmf, buf myf youshov lookf beautimous.”fat1
10. Mung: What comes out when you push on a pregnant lady’s stomach.”“Stan: “You know what you guys are? You guys are nothing but mung!”
So THAT’S what that stuff is!!!!!

Mung is like a box of crayons....ya never know hat color you're gonna get. (Forest Chump)

Mung is like a box of crayons….ya never know what color you’re gonna get. (Forest Chump)

And, thank gawd………finally…….
11. Marklar: A word that could mean literally anything.”“Kyle: Marklar, these marklars want to change your marklar. They don’t want this marklar or any of his marklars to live here because it’s bad for their marklar.”
Hey…go marklar! (formerly the wordasswipe) Of course I’m assuming that.

mmmmm

Which can also be considered Marklar

So there ya have it. Perfectly suitable programming for all children from 5 to whatever. Doesn’t bother me at all. Because that 11-year-old kid was right when he wrote:

 “I am a student in an elementary school and all of my friends there know perfectly well what sex is. A lot of kids must say f**k a hundred times a day. So compared to what kids hear in schools, this isn’t so bad.”

Just ask any parent who watches South Park while sitting in front of the TV with their kids eating popcorn.

BUT…….show one nipple slip or heaving throbbing cleavage on ANY TV show and they go ballistic.

F**k…………..Go figure.

(NOTE) My apologies for this totally “font” f**ked up blog. I’m reallllly sorry.sorry1

Hey! Get outta here ya damn Jackovasaurs!

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Keep it Up And I’m Gonna Smack The Livin’ Daylights Outta You!!!!!!

“If I get my hands on you you’re in for a damn good spanking!!!!”

Those words used to scare the bejesus outta me when I was a kid. Because that’s what my grandmother, who raised me, used to say to me when I was a brat. If I could understand her that is. (we’ll get to that later)

mmmmm

Microsoft’s new app for hands free human spanking punishment for bratty kids

Now I have to thank fellow blogger John Roycroft for reminding me of those days.

(might want to check out the blog John wrote that inspired me to write today’s blog at) http://newnanbull.com/2014/09/14/adrian-peterson-and-the-east-coweta-high-school/

Thanks John….now I have to go back into therapy again….damn! (only kidding)

Back in the days, 1950’s BC, when it was totally unheard of for married couples to get a divorce, especially if you were Catholic, MY parents actually did get a divorce when I was still in the womb. Had I been outta the womb I might have had some input in that decision, but, did not.

So, I’m assuming that my mother, having a life of her own, and my father who beat feet, were both waaaay to busy to raise my little butt.

mmmmm

What to do?

Yep….drop me off at my grandmother’s and let her raise me. As in what has become the normal standard procedure in today’s society, BUT, unheard of back then when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

Now John’s blog basically says that parents tend to coddle their kids today rather than dole out punishment for bullying or for just being a pain in the freakin’ ass. I tend to agree.

mmmmmmm

Just sayin.’

My grandmother would not hesitate to give me the back of her hand if I was really a brat or sassed her. GUESS WHAT! I’m still alive!  ALIVE I TELL YA…..ALIVE.!

And, none for the worse. Cept maybe for one displaced eyeball and that ear that hangs a bit lower than the other. But, that’s it.

Um…oh yeah, and my demented sense of humor from getting whacked too many times.

So, other than that, did all those punishments I endured as a child scar me for life? Nope. it taught me that if I was gonna do something wrong I was gonna pay a price. Unfortunately something parents, a lot of them, do not teach their children today.

Cripes, ya so much as threaten a kid with any kind of punishment and the next thing ya know the kid hires Alan Dershowitz to defend them, your mug shot appears on social media sites, (usually taken before you can shave or put on makeup) and parent groups are screamin’ for you to be lynched in the town square.

mmmmmm

So THAT’S where he’s been doing with his allowance money……little SOB.

Don’t ya just hate it when they take those police mug shots before you can put on a good face and some decent looking clothes.

I'm sure Nick Nolte will vouch for that

I’m sure Nick Nolte will vouch for that

Now, in my own defense, I really wasn’t that bad of a kid. Considering my grandmother was a first generation off the boat Ellis Island immigrant and did not speaka a word of da English. And never really learned the English language all through the years that she, and my two old maid aunts raised me.

In fact, when she cussed at me when I did something wrong she’d yell out, “Bangalfumenga!” Which, for the longest time I thought was my first name. BUT…turns out it actually meant “bonehead, numbskull, and jackass.”

A lot of the kids I grew up with also endured the same kinds of punishment. In their case most of the time they were able to run like hell before getting smacked.

I, on the other hand, not completely understanding when my grandmother was pissed off at me or not, because she didn’t speak English, didn’t run. How the hell did I know what the hell she was comin’ at me for? It was all, to use an old expression, “Greek,” or in this instance, Portuguese to me.

(I’m half Italian  and half Portuguese decent)

Until I got smacked….THEN  I knew I screwed up.

Or worse yet........

Or worse yet……..

There were no stories in the newspaper about parents being brought up on charges of child abuse back then. Because getting whacked on the butt or a slap across the face when you were a kid for doing something wrong was for the most part a way of keeping a bratty kid in line.

But today. OMFG! Today…if you so much as look at a bratty kid cross-eyed it’s considered child abuse. Give me a freakin’ break.

So, and you may tend to disagree with John and I about that, but if you’re a kid and a brat and you get a good whack or two for being a dumb ass, it might make you think twice about your actions.

To me, that’s one of the problems with kids today. No accountability for their actions by their parents. Which, as documented in a lot of news stories lately, eventually can lead to some serious crimes committed by teenagers and young adults.

mmmmmmm

Yes, but perhaps you should not have inserted the word “f**king”” before the word accountability

Oops…..I’m getting waaaaay to serious here. Damn!

(Blame Roycroft)

Anyhow, getting back to my own childhood. I eventually did learn how to determine when I should run like hell when my grandmother was gonna smack me for being a brat.

I learned that our dog, Daisy, could actually understand what the hell she was saying when she was mad and would also run like hell seconds before she was gonna smack me. So, when I saw the dog run, so did I.

Incidentally, hiding in a dog house with a dog can really be fun. Which is why even today I have cravings for a dog biscuit now and then. HEY! Ya get kinda hungry hiding out in a doghouse for hours on end ya know!

mmmmmm

Still works for me today

In conclusion, I am NOT condoning that ANY parent whack the bejesus outta their kids. But a slap on the butt never killed anyone. As far as I can determine.

(I researched fatalities due to butt slapping and could find none)

So, that might be an option. Which, I might add, ya see in a lot of porno movies too. Which could also invoke memories of  THEIR childhoods. Which, when ya think about it, really is kinda kinky. If that’s your thing that is.

And……it reminds you of your childhood.

Scene from one of those kinky porno movies that involves spanking

Scene from one of those kinky porno movies that involves spanking

(cue in Kay Thompson) ……………..http://youtu.be/CYqqLeM2qZQ

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Japan Makes Thinking About Dying Really A Fun Event….Oh Joy…..

I’m not one to get all excited about dying. It’s such a downer. And like some famous comedian once said, “Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.”

mmmmmm

Fast food, fast service, fast funerals

But, that said, I definitely DO NOT wanna slow down THAT much for cripes sake.

Anyhow, ya gotta hand it to those Japanese once again. its seems like they’re always ahead of the game regardless of whatever that game is.

Like death for instance as reported in “OddNews.com.”

Like being able to sample new products in Japan. In this instance, sampling your own funeral. Sounds like something I’d wanna have at the top of my bucket list.

mmmmm

Speaking of bucket lists

And it’s really a big huge event over there in Japan. In fact, it’s called, “The Shukatsu Festival.” (no fireworks or farm animals)

And because you’re all wondering what the hell that word “Shukatsu” means in English, it translates to “preparing for one one’s end.” (this has nothing to do with losing weight in one’s butt area)

Sometimes ya just have to make these things perfectly clear.

Now if you think that not a lot of people would attend this festival you’d be mistaken. Over 5,000 people attend this event every August. Which may have something to do with the fact that Japan’s aging population ranks as having the world’s oldest population. Residents age 65 and older make up one-quarter of the population.

Which explains why the number one phrase in Japan is, “Ah so…you givia me my fleakin senior discount.”

(not speaking Japanese I had to imagine how that would sound)

Like here in America when the Godfadder who’s Italian says, “Hey Louie, I wanta youse to whack Carmine da Nose and make him sleepa wid da fishes.”

mmmmm

Which is why we men ALWAYS lie

So, what exactly can you expect when attending this wonderful death festival.

Well, vendors display their products that you can sample their wonderful selection of caskets, funeral attire for both men and women, and a lot of hair and makeup options. Wanna look really great when you’re dead ya know.

Otherwise people attending your funeral would not be able to say, “My my Harold, he looks sooooo natural doesn’t he.”'Yeah...but maybe there's such a thing as looking too natural.'

“Martha, he’s dead for cripes sake.”

“Yes, I know Harold, but he looks so much better now than he did when he was alive.”

“Gotta give ya that one Martha.”

Ya know what the greatest part of this event is. They let you take selfies. YES! selfies!

People are allowed to slip into a coffin, (how you “slip” into a coffin is beyond me)  and then take selfies as they lie there. I would think that this might be the only time someone would not say…….”say cheese.”

Unless you're in Japan

Unless you’re in Japan

This is my favorite line from that article: “At the Shukatsu death festival, people really put the “fun” in funeral.”

Oh yeah……my thoughts all the time when I think about funerals. Which is why when I attend anyone’s funeral they always ask me to leave because I’m having sooooo much fun. Perfect place to do some stand up comedy routines.

mmmmm

And for those of you who enjoyed this, I’ll be appearing at the Zorknorf services next door in 15 minutes

“Heyyyyyy…….A friend of  mine stopped smoking, drinking and chasing women. All at the same time. It was a lovely funeral.”

Ba da boom ba da bing………….

I got a million of them.

“I got a friend who was a clown. When he died, all of his friends went in one car.”

Waste not, want not. Amen

Waste not, want not. Amen

“Ok…ok……no applause please, you’ll wake up the dead.”

Ok…ok….I’m leaving, no need to have security escort me out. Damn….and it was such a good crowd too.
Even over in the Ukraine, according to the article, some casket makers have introduced the idea of “coffin therapy.”

Yep, you can lie down for a period of time in one of their caskets in order to feel what it will be like to spend the rest of eternity in a coffin.

Which is similar to lying next to your spouse if you’ve been married for a number of years.  Which also seems like an eternity…..ya think!

mmmm

Like that famous philosopher Mitt Romney once said, “Dogs are people too.”

I suspect at some point that this idea will, if it already hasn’t, spread to funeral homes across America. Of course we’ll have to go a step further than those Japanese.

Like perhaps offering various amenities that the Japanese do not offer.

Your choice of optional equipment for instance. Like a night-light jussssst in case someone screws up and you’re buried alive. Night lights are somewhat of a comfort when you’re buried six feet deep and it’s very dark.

mmmmm

Oops…………

Maybe a good book like “In Search of Lost Time” by Marcel Prost. Considering it contains 1,000,000 words and 4,800 pages. Just long enough for you to possibly finish before you run outta air in case you are buried alive. Read verrrry fast.

Just a few options there in case you’re actually considering attending one of these events.

Me….well if I were going to attend a “Shukatsu” I’d want one thing. Six dozen chocolate covered lemon filled donuts from Krispy Kreme. (damn…..I’m really gonna beat this Krispy Kreme donut story into the ground…..along with me)

mmmmmm

All 35 work at Krispy Kreme

The good news is that if I actually DO get those donuts, I’ll be happy, even though I won’t be able to eat them…but….people attending my funeral will.

The bad news………I’ll be freakin dead.

Just sayin.’

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Yeeeeee Haaaaaa.!!! Reality At It’s Best. A Good Ol Sarah Palin Family Snowdog Race Brawl

Hi, my name is Sarah Palin and I did not approve this blog and I'm gonna beat the livin' crap outta this Misfit guy

Hi, my name is Sarah Palin and I did not approve this blog and I’m gonna beat the livin’ crap outta this Misfit guy…..you betcha.

Damn! If only the Sarah Palin Channel had enough sense to bring along their camera crews to the Iron Dog snowmobile race festivities, which, of course is a really biggggg event, and, may be spreading across the United States soon…..NOT.

mmmmmm

Although presently there are dog drag racing events in some places

Why you ask? Because we all missed out on what might have been some really entertaining footage of the Sarah Palin family involved in a good old Iron Dog Snowmobile Race brawl.

YeeeeHaaaaaa Festus.

Yah...I'm in yer face...so, ya better not be talkin' to ME!

Yeah…I’m in yer face pal…so, ya better not be talkin’ to ME!

According to various news reports a majority of the Palin family — Sarah, Todd, Bristol, and Track — were allegedly involved in a booze-filled brawl over the weekend.

*hic

AND….at one point, while I assume punches were flying and blood and guts were all over the place…. (I’m not sure blood and guts were all over the place but I thought I’d throw that in just for effect) Sarah Palin reportedly screamed out, “Don’t you know who I am?”

At which point everybody yelled out, “Um…..no…..why don’t ya give us a freakin’ clue before we knock your head off.”

Not really, but that’s what I would have said had I been there. You know how I like to joke around during a knock em out brawl……then run like hell.'You better not start anything...'

Soooo what actually happened here. Well, according to reports from local bloggers, (people such as myself who like to cause hate and discontent) the Palin group showed up at a party in Wasilla after a day of tedious activities at the Iron Dog Snowmobile Race.

You know how tedious it can be trying to get dogs to do what their supposed to do when half of them can’t speak English. Let alone lift their legs up to pee because it’s so cold up there a lot of them get frozen mid stream.

Witnesses at the scene said Palin’s eldest son Track, (no relation to the Indy 500) showed up at the party and then confronted a man who had previously dated one of his sisters.

mmmmmm

Actual Indy 500 dog race drivers who were not involved in that Alaska brawl

Is this getting juicy or what? Um….so far no.

THEN……witnesess said that led to some pushing and shoving, (similar to participating in a Black Friday sale at a Wal-Mart) at which point escalated to the Palin family being asked to leave the premises.

“Look lady, ah don’t care who the f**k you all are. Jest take yer family outta here cause you’re upsetting the dogs.”

NOW the juicy part. Thank gawd.

Apparently Bristol Palin has a really good strong right hook and did mange to use it, at which point Sarah screamed out that infamous line, “Don’t you know who I am?”

One of the casualities of that Bristol Palin

One of the casualties of that Bristol Palin strong right hook

“Festus do you all know who the hell she is?”

“Cripes no Barney. How about you Ernie?”

“Nope, ah don’t have a freakin’ clue. So whaddya think we should do?”

“”Um no. Ask her who the hell she is, then when we find out we can at least call her by her first name, then beat the livin’ crap outta her. Common courtesy ya know.”

Mongo Palin, yet another family member, lets a horse have it with a hook to the nose

Mongo Palin, yet another family member, lets a horse have it with a hook to the nose

In Mongo's defense

In Mongo’s defense

A quote from one of the blogging sites:

“This isn’t some damned Hillbilly reality show!” a party-goer allegedly yelled, making a possible reference to “Sarah Palin’s Alaska,” a failed reality series that ran for nine episodes between Nov. 2010 and Jan. 2011.

My thinking. Had their been more knock em out blood spattering dirty words called out and clothes ripping off brawls, Sarah’s show might have been right up there with “Duck Dynasty” and “Honey freakin’ Boo Boo.” Worth a shot….ya think?

Not funny ya damn #!@%$#! idiot

Not funny ya damn #!@%$#! idiot

(pan in camera three)

Meanwhile out in the parking lot, Track, (Sarah’s older son and not part of a railroad running through town) was out in the street, “shirtless, flipping people off, with Sarah right behind him, and Todd somewhere in the foreground, tending to his bloody nose,” a witness told one of the bloggers.

Boy are they gonna have the book thrown at all of them. Yep, fines, maybe even jail time. Ya just can’t go out and get into a bloody brawl and not expect to suffer the consequences.

Anchorage police declined to provide details but said that none of the parties involved wanted to press charges. No arrests were made.

WHAT! No arrests made. WTF!

Oops…….THIS is must be where the “Don’t you know who I am,” comment by Sarah comes into play.

mmmmm

Dora also used that “don’t you know who I am” line to no avail

(POLICE)

“Ok, all you yahoos up against that there stuffed moose and spread em. You too, lady.”

“Hey, don’t you know who I am? You can’t just push and shove me around like that ya know. I’m Sarah Palin.”

“Who?”

“Sarah Palin. Famous former Vice Presidential candidate. Mother of Bristol Palin. Wife of Todd Palin and star of the now defunct Sarah Palin’s Alaska Reality Show. AND the owner of several very hungry rabid snowmobile dogs that haven’t been fed in several days.”

“Oops….ok lady. We still don’t know who the f**k you are but we don’t want no trouble with them thar damn dogs….so get the hell outta here. No charges pressed against ya. So, are ya happy with that?”

“You betcha.”

Sarah......simply beautimous

Sarah……simply beautimous

And me, just wanting a freakin’ chocolate covered lemon filled donut from Krispy Kreme gets all kinds of flack. (I know, I’m beating a dead moose here)

Hey Sarah! Can ya come on down to Connecticut and start a huge brawl at a Krispy Kreme?

Worth a shot? Ya think?

Just sayin.’

(NOTE) Always looking to spread hate and discontent with the corporate community by being a pain in the ass, I also like to praise corporations when they DO something that goes above and beyond the call of duty. One of my cats is totally addicted to “Catty Shack” cat treats. Not wanting to have to admit him to a detox facility because my Wal Mart does not carry them anymore, I contacted “JRB Foods,”the manufacturer of Catty Shack, and they sent out a bunch of coupons and a list of other stores that carry their product. Furthermore, and forsooth, jsusssst in case none of those stores were nearby, they sent out a letter to me  that Amazon.com will also carry that product. A bigggggg “Meowwwwwwwwwww” to the people at JRB foods.

A bigggg thumbs up

A bigggg thumbs up JRB. Thanks. (purrrrr)

Um…..Krispy Kreme……did ya catch all that?

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I’m Really Having A Bad Week…..TGIF!!!

days1

To set the mood for today’s MisfitWisdom blog, here’s Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs:

It’s been one of those weeks that makes one wish you could just go into hibernation in a cave somewhere and sleep for a few months, wake up, and hope the next few months are better than the last freakin week has been. TGIF!day2

What started it all was that confrontation I had with the management  at Krispy Kreme donuts located at the Mohegan Sun Casino.

To refresh your memory, just in case you actually were in a cave, I simply wanted a glazed lemon filled donut that they make to be dipped in chocolate because that’s my favorite donut, which they do not make, but, could if they wanted to, which they did, for me, and, which I then wrote about, and then, pissed off the store manager.

Why? Because I also wrote about “National Topless Day” in the same blog that I wrote about my experience at Krispy Kreme. AND…..at the end of my blog I alluded to the fact that perhaps the clerks at Krispy Kreme, in honor of National Topless Day, could be covered in chocolate and lemon.

And my people are all nuts jobs.....like me

And my people are all nuts jobs…..like me

To make a long story short, I am now on that famous list that we all get put on when we do something someone does not approve of. Namely, the s**t list. Apparently the store manager did not appreciate my “humor.” For which I apologized and also did so in a letter to Krispy Kreme corporate offices.

Folks, humor is humor. If you DO NOT have a sense of freakin” humor…DO NOT read anything that is supposed to be HUMOROUS. As….you will not get it.

As I said in a letter to KK corporate: “It’s the nature of the beast.” You can’t and won’t please everybody all of the time and you will most definitely not appear to be writing something funny if you criticize something or someone while being funny.

mmmmmm

Frankly, I think all comedians and people who write humor should be drawn and quartered in public for trying to make people laugh, while, at the same time, trying to make a point.

Ya see, it’s my theory that people pay more attention to you if you write about something with a bit of humor than just ordinary bland stuff.

I could be wrong…..but……really….I’m not.

mmmmm

Except those voices you hear in your head sometimes

Example: Which TV commercials do you pay attention to the most. Those bland boring car commercials, commercials for banks, etc, etc, etc.

OR…..do you laugh at those humorous Geico commercials. Or the one for State Farm where the guy is on the phone and his wife says, “Who you talkin’ too at 2am in the morning.” You remember those in comparison to the bland ones don’t ya.

So that’s my point. Which is….I made my point with regard to Krispy Kreme in writing humor and in return get some grief because I “humorously” said that perhaps those store clerks would be more appealing covered in chocolate and lemon in honor of National Topless Day. OMFG!!!!days9

Here’s the part of the blog that soooooo upset the manager, and, according to him, his store clerks: (from the 8/26/14 MW blog)

“So I just wanted to give a big ol pat on the back to Krispy Kreme’s corporate office for, (sniff) making my day……as Clint Eastwood used to say.

Also to the staff at Krispy Kreme at the Mohegan Sun Casino.

The only thing they could have done better was to carry over National Topless Day in their store today prior to my visit and have their store clerks covered in lemon and chocolate. Um……oh yeah, the one guy clerk too.

HEY! Going topless isn’t just for the women ya know.”Topless Beach - the lower half of bodies on a beach

So, I NEVER said that the store clerks should go topless, which he said that I did. I said, “those store clerks would be more appealing covered in chocolate and lemon in honor of National Topless Day.”

Although I DID allude to the fact that going topless isn’t just for women. Meaning that male clerks could also participate. And if they did…….who would give a rats ass.

Oops…did I offend someone by saying “rats ass.” Soreeeeee.

Cripes, I’m just on a “offending” roll here today aren’t I.days12

I really gotta stop writing humor and write more serious stuff. Because, as we all know, what really cheers us all up on any given day is cheery stuff like news about ISIS, Congress, Obama hating articles, and war. We just all love that kinda stuff to make our day a bit brighter don’t we?

But, I’m NOT gonna let people who have absolutely no sense of humor ruin my day. Nope. I know there are those of you who DO appreciate my efforts to bring a little laughter into your lives. (I’m assuming none of them are clerks in donut stores)

So, all that said, which I just did, I did send off a letter to Krispy Kreme corporate and apologized for writing humor. Along with promising not to go to that Krispy Kreme donut store and upsetting the clerks and management. It’s the least I can do.

And…..as one of my blog commenters posted on a social media site. “Hey…it’s only a freakin’ donut.” To which I replied, “Yeah….but it was the principle of it all. Ya at least gotta try.”

mmmmmm

Even spiders try

On a lighter note. Just to show you how going the extra mile works.

I contacted the State Department of public Works with regard to a problem with raised utility caps from a road construction project in front of my house that vehicles were running over and making my computer jump along with other various articles in my house.

Did THEY get all bent outta shape?

Nope…..within ten minutes a crew was out in front of my house and took care of the situation. Hows THAT for customer service!!!!!!!

And guess what……the guy that came to my front door actually had a sense of humor about the whole thing. Imagine that.

Bastard.

And, in conclusion, for those of you who have absolutely no sense of humor…………..perv banana

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Strange Presidential Facts: And You Think Obama Is Strange?

seal1

Being President of the United States is really a thankless job. You can never please everyone. AND……there are so many things to either like or dislike about a President. But, usually the main reason people tend to like or dislike a President is determined by which political party he belongs to. You can deny that….but that’s the bottom line.

But, that said, which I just did, I thought today I’d take a look at some past Presidents just to see if there were any interesting facts about them. Stuff that pro or con factions could use to portray the President in a favorable or unfavorable light.

So, here are some actual honest to goodness cross my heart and hope to die presidential facts and how I think the news media as well as Internet trolls would comment on them today.

(actual facts are in quotations)

“Abraham Lincoln was a licensed bartender and also a co-owner of a saloon called “Berry and Lincoln” in Springfield, Illinois.” Yeah Abe, what the heck were ya hidin’ under that stove-pipe hat? Bet it was a bottle of Southern Comfort whiskey. No wonder ya never tipped your hat during the civil war. Yeah, a Yankee drinking Southern booze.

They only had big tall bottles of Southern Comfort back then

They only had big tall bottles of Southern Comfort back then

“Grover Cleveland was the only president in history to hold a job as a hangman. He actually sprung the trap twice at a hanging.”  Which is why nobody ever made fun of his first name…….Grover.

Thomas Jefferson and John Adams once traveled to Stratford-upon-Avon selling Avon cosmetics. Um…sorry, that should read “where they took a knife to one of Shakespeare’s chairs so they could take home some wood chips as souvenirs.”

Obviously the Internet would be abuzz with impeachment proceedings for their actions.

mmmm

Jefferson’s horse pays the price for his masters dastardly deed

“Jefferson, along with another cohort, James Madison were once arrested together for taking a carriage ride in the countryside of Vermont on a Sunday, which violated the laws of that state.”

I’m not sure if taking a ride in a carriage on a Sunday broke the law or the fact that two guys riding in a carriage together broke the law. Hey….don’t ask, don’t tell.

“Teddy Bears” were so named when Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt refused to shoot a small bear cub one day.”

Following suit, hence the “Cheney Bear” which will shoot at anything moving.

Oxy Clean might get that stain out

OxiClean might get that stain out

“James Abram Garfield,” (no relation to Garfield the cat) is the first president to ever talk on the phone when he spoke to Alexander Graham Bell, who was on the other end 13 miles away.”

He said, “Make that one small pizza, mozzarella cheese and pepperoni.” Um, no….sorry….he actually said, “Who the f**k is this and why isn’t my wife answering the phone.” Oops…..wrong again…..sorry. What he actually said was, “Please speak a little more slowly.”

I know it might sound gross, but I'm wearing khakis

I know it might sound gross, but I’m wearing khakis

EUREKA!!!! Get this one Clinton haters. “The twenty-ninth president, Warren Harding repeatedly made love to a young girl, Nan Britton, in a (gasp) White House closet.” OMFG!!! AND…on one occasion,” the Secret Service (who obviously kept that a secret) had to stop Mrs. Harding from beating the door down.”

(NOTE) Monica Lewinsky was not born yet so rule her out as possibly one of the women Harding scored in that closet.

NEW INTERNET HEADLINE: Monica Lewinsky claims in a new book that she believes in reincarnation and that she once was Nan Britton.

mmmmm

And I locked all of the White House closet doors too

“After President Bush barfed on the Japanese Prime Minister, a new word was entered into the Japanese language. Bushusuru. Which means to do the Bush thing.”

Followed by the new Japanese word, “Grossasuru.” Which means, “Boy is that guy gross or what.” Ah so….(I made that last word up….as if you didn’t guess by now)

“Jimmy Carter is the first known president to go on record as seeing a UFO.” Unfortunately it was later determined that it was Newt Gingrich stumbling out of the Capitol Building at 2am in the morning.

“President Herbert Hoover gave his White House servants strict orders to hide from him whenever he passed by. Those who failed to do so were at the risk of being fired.”

My guess……he probably liked to walk around naked in the White House and, not having the best of bodies, the servants, to use a Japanese phrase, Bushusurued.

Well, when ya think about it, considering all the flack he gets now.....can't hurt.

Well, when ya think about it, considering all the flack he gets now…..can’t hurt.

“Dwight D. Eisenhower had an affair with his wartime driver, Kay Summersby. She later wrote a book entitled, Past Forgetting: My Love Affair with Dwight D. Eisenhower.” Too bad Ike’s first name wasn’t Daisy. (ya have to think about that one)

“John Kennedy, (not to be undone by Harding and Ike) had the most active sex life of any president. He Allegedly slept with Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, Audrey Hepburn, Angie Dickinson, stripper Blaze Starr, Marlene Dietrich along with (whew) White House staffers, secretaries, stewardess, campaign workers, strippers, and acquaintances of trusted male friends.”

Sooooooo, which one of them “trusted male friends” was really on the Grassy Knoll?

mmmmmmm

The Warren Commission

I was going to include Thomas Jefferson’s affair with slave Sally Hemmings, (oops I just did) but that’s old news in comparison to WTF JFK was doing. But…..who’s counting.

“Ronald Reagan won the Most Nearly Perfect Male Figure Award from the University of California in 1940.” Later on when he was in his 80’s, from AARP’s prestigious Herbert Hoover Naked Award.

“William Henry Harrison holds the record for the longest inauguration speech in history. 8,578 words long and one hour and 40 minutes. (similar to some of my blogs) “Unfortunately, he gave the speech during bad weather and a month later he was dead from pneumonia.”

Moral…..if giving an inaugural speech in bad weather make it short. Do you swear? Yes. Ok…you’re President. Ok…I accept….see ya all later…..this weather really sucks.

Um....ya think that I'm gonna die from thing was a bit much?

Um….ya think that “I’m gonna die from  pneumonia” thing was a bit much?

“As a young man, Rutherford B. Hayes fought lyssophobia, or the fear of going insane.” It’s those voices…those voices….I can’t stop hearing those voices. Um, calm down Mr. President, it’s the new White House intercom system paging you.

“President James Garfield could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other hand simultaneously.” Which is why no one who ever got a Christmas card from him knew who the freak it was from. Cept maybe the Pope and Anthony Quinn.

“At  325 pounds, William Howard Taft was the largest president in American history and often got stuck in the White House bathtub.” Which is how the company Roto-Rooter was established.

The first advertisement for the new Rotor Rooter company

The first advertisement for the new Roto-Rooter company

“Calvin Coolidge liked to have his head rubbed with petroleum jelly while eating his breakfast in bed.” No….Playboy Magazine was NOT published back then if ya catch my drift here.

“It was sooooo cold at Ulysses S. Grant’s presidential inauguration that the canaries that were supposed to sing at the inaugural ball froze to death.” That year, a bird in the hand was not worth two in the bush and pretty messy as well.

mmmmm

You’re in luck pal. The White House just sent over some frozen canaries on ice

“Andrew Johnson was the first president to be impeached. He was acquitted by one vote in the Senate. It would be another 131 years before another president, Bill Clinton, would be impeached.” BUT….damn….we keep tryin’.

And finally, (thank gawd) “Woodrow Wilson was the first to show a motion picture in the White House: The Birth of a Nation, which has become the most banned film in American history.”

Which I can completely understand the reason why. You know how graphic those birth videos can be. Ask any father who’s been in the delivery room.

So, there ya have it. Some really great stuff to enlighten your friends with at your next inauguration ball event courtesy of yours truly and “RandomHistory.com.”

Of which I “randomly picked.”

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Puleeeeeeese Don’t Take Away My TV….OMG!!!!!!

Hey.....I resemble that remark!

Hey…..I resemble that remark!

Or, as Paul Simon once sang in a song, “Mama Don’t Take My Kodachrome Away.”

Alas….I think they really did wind up taking our Kodachrome cameras away. Bastards.koda1

Now comes a story I found on “Yahoo” by reporter Michael Santoli with some distressing news. Which is that Baby Boomers and TV might be dying together.

Here’s a quote from Michael’s article:

“New analysis of television viewing trends shows the TV audience is aging much faster than previously believed, as Americans under the age of 50 turn away from network programming, even when DVR-captured delayed viewing is included.”

OMFG! Why…..why…..why is this happening?

mmmm

Ok….here’s why. Because younger people are turning away from traditional TV. Like there are a gazillion gizmos out there that allow you to view television programs without actually watching them on a real live dinosaur prehistoric television set.

Such as my own which still has a VCR attached to it and, believe it or not, CABLES!!!!! Amazing isn’t it. It’s a wonder the Smithsonian Institution hasn’t come knocking on my door asking if they can take my VCR to put on display in their museum. Along with me and my other half.

HEY! My theory is if it ain’t broken….why fix it. So there!

mmmmmm

Deja Vu

Um, it does kinda piss me off  however that those TV networks still have me by the gonads. Like when they sucked me into watching “Fringe” and they cancelled it. Or “Vegas” and they cancelled it. And “Glades” and they cancelled it. And most recently “Longmire” and they cancelled it. WTF!

So like I should go out and buy yet more new devices to watch programs that I’ll get hooked on and they then cancel them. Me thinkith not.

So, it’s no surprise that the younger generation is saying to regular TV, “stick it,” and are finding other ways to view TV content………although I suspect those TV executives will still be able to cancel shows we watch. Even on those new devices.

mmmm

How I became an orphan

But, this is about why TV as we know it will (sob) be a thing of the past pretty soon. Cept maybe in assisted living facilities and rest homes. Take their TV sets away and 99 percent of them will go into cardiac arrest.

Here’s a stat from the article just in case you are a doubting Thomas, Dick, or Harry: “Even as older viewers maintain their traditional tube time, a separate Nielsen study found those between 50 and 64 watched 19 minutes of digital video last quarter, up from 11 minutes a year.”

Soooo, what does this all mean?

It means that you shouldn’t go out and buy a new TV until all of us know exactly what the hell it is that we should be buying to watch programs that the networks give us. Oops…..that should read, “should be buying to watch the “crap” that the networks give us.”

mmmmm

Speaking of crap………….

But….that said….ya think I’m gonna go out and buy all that new stuff. Nope. I’m NOT getting sucked into that routine again. I know how THAT works.

Like when I bought my first 78 rpm record, then had to buy it on a 45 rpm record, then again on an 8-track, then again on a cassette, then on a CD and then I had to buy an iPod to put that very same song on it which I downloaded from my computer, which I also had to buy in the first place.

This would be me

This would be me

So, I’m NOT buying a new TV device to watch what I already watch on my Muntz TV. HEY! I don’t adapt to things changing very well. Took me a full month to master my new TV remote from Comcast, and on occasion I sometimes mistake it for my cordless phone and get really pissed off when no one answers or I can’t change the TV station…….until I figure out I’m holding the wrong remote.

Now, what else besides viewing TV on other devices can we expect? Besides having 3-D HDTV virtual reality TV lenses implanted into or brains or eyeballs…..which….for only $209 dollars a month Comcast will be happy to provide you with…..along with the name of a really great surgeon from Transylvania who will implant those devices into your eyes and brain for you.

mmmmmmm

Yes…..and I also work for a great surgeon in Transylvania

How about higher prices for sports-league programming because that’s what these TV executives know draws in the big buckaroos.

The article says that advertisers will turn their attention towards “Facebook” and other social media networks to try to make a buck off of us. Gawd knows how they will do that, but, I’m sure they’ll find a way. Like maybe holding your Aunt Mary’s Facebook page hostage until she forks over a monthly payment.

Worse yet…..prohibiting anyone from posting cat photos on Facebook unless they subscribe to “Cat Fancy’ magazine.fb1

Another article quote:

“Programmers will be increasingly willing to experiment with alternative distribution platforms for their content. With less risk of cannibalizing one’s core younger audience by offering shows on Netflix Inc. (NFLX), networks will try to cut deals to reach the mobile, “time-shifting” viewer, wherever he or she can be found.”

Which basically means they killed “Fringe” because they knew that “time-shifters” actually existed and that’s where the big bucks will come from as they phase us older views out. More time-shifters out there….more revenue from other dimensions.

And all of you thought Rod Serling was nuts many years ago.

mmmmmm

Television land

But, fear not my one foot on a banana peel and “help, I’ve fallen and can’t get up crowd.”

TV executives still know that there’s money to be made out there in them thar senior hills. Even if we’re still watching TV programs on an actual TV.

How?  By,as the article states, giving us older dinosaurs, “more formulaic dramas and sitcoms, more pharmaceutical commercials and more older leading men and women in primetime, to better reflect the core viewing audience, rather than the sleeker, younger people who aren’t paying attention now anyway.”

Yeah! See. those younger people aren’t paying attention anyhow ya damn jerks. So start giving us some stuff to watch so that we’ll be happy. Like those pharmaceutical commercials. And ads for Viagra and Cialis, Preparation H, Restasis, (cause half of us can’t see anything as it is, never mind the freakin’ tube) and of course the most important thing of all, those ads for “Life Alert.”life1

Oops……forgot about those of you who post animals pics on Facebook…….sooooooo…….lifea2

See…..still bucks to be made off of us old people watching our old TV’s in our old houses, sitting on old furniture, with old pets, (mostly cats) watching old reruns of Rocky Balboa.

So for now folks, hold on to your old devices. Lest you go the 78 rpm to iPod routine.

Ya gotta love Michael’s last line from that article:

“TV networks, in this way, might take to heart the lyrics of a seminal Boomer tune: “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with…”

Um……geez…..right now I’m with the UPS guy Mike…….damn!!!

Regardless of where you are

Regardless of where you are

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