Soooooo. Like, Where Exactly Do I Park My #!%$#@! Truck?

Happen every single time I go to a WalMart

Happens every single time I go to a WalMart

Yes, it’s true. There are six gazillion trillion quadriplezillion parking spaces at various stores wherever you go shopping. Most of them are located in the north forty. Because the prime spots are, of course, and with good reason, reserved for the handicapped. Again…..rightly so.

Let me state that I have absolutely no problem with stores reserving prime spots close to the entrances of their stores for ANYONE who is handicapped.

That said, I DO have a freakin’ problem with those other reserved spots. Like the one I pulled into today and didn’t see the sign till I zipped into this prime spot. It said, “Parking for mothers with children.” WTF!park2

Mothers with children need prime parking spots? If they have a child between the ages of 1 and 15 do they still get to park there? If I borrow someones kid can I park there? How about if I consider one of my cats as my child? Or if my cat is expecting, can I qualify for a prime spot then?

The way I look at it, why stop at just handicapped and mother’s with child parking spots. I mean there are all those other prime spots that could also be designated for special people.

So I came up with the following designations:

Parking for idiots that do not have enough brains to realize that a spot is for other special people as designated by the sign you damn idiot.park12

Parking for people with severe allergies. This of course would help people with allergies from having to walk 20 feet to the store entrance and inhale car exhaust fumes, seagull wing flapping residue, along with other people’s perfume and aftershave.

Parking for people with severe political disorders that make them go ballistic when they park next to anyone who has a specific candidate’s bumper sticker on their car.

mmmmmm

Translation: “You’re an a**hole you stupid (insert Democrat or Republican here)

Parking for people who take up two parking spaces either because they’re too damn fat to get outta their cars in a single parking space without dinging the car’s door parked next to them or are too freakin’ blind to park between the parking space lines.park13

Parking for women who, when finished shopping, get into their car, proceed to check themselves in their rear view mirror, apply lipstick, comb their hair, whip out a pair of tweezers and pluck hairs, and then call someone on their cell phones. This spot would be located at the farthest point in the parking lot so as not to piss off anyone waiting for that woman to finally leave.

mmmmmm

No pooping or peeing too

While we're at it, no copping a feel or farting

While we’re at it, no copping a feel or farting

Parking for men who tend to dress really weird. Like wearing sandals with black socks, plaid shorts and a wife beater shirt while sporting a pubic hair beard and any tattoo that says “mom.”

Need I say more

Need I say more

Parking for anyone driving a motorcycle that has a 5,000 decibil straight exhaust pipe. This spot would be next to the parking space for the hearing impaired.

Lest we forget the seniors. A parking spot for anyone qualifying as a senior which would be evident by a cane, scooter, fanny pack, bifocals, AARP bumper sticker, or either a Hubert Humphrey for President or Nixon’s The One bumper sticker still intact on their 1968 Buick Skylark.

mmm

Or dead……..

 

Then there are the signs you come across and don’t have a damn clue what the hell they mean. Should I park in this spot of what?

mmmmm

Parking for people who have a fear of seagulls pooping on them. Commonly referred to as, “Seagullpoopaphobia.”

And this one that obviously makes complete sense to me………NOT!park15

And yes, just when you think you’ve seen all of the special parking spot signs you could possibly see, along comes yet another one.park4

Along with yet another one…………

You must prove that you are related to Dr. Frankenstein

You must prove that you are related to Dr. Frankenstein

So, all in all we can expect to see a lot more restricted parking spaces coming down the ol pike. And, if you’re like me, finding that perfect spot that’s unrestricted and closest to the store entrances is the ultimate challenge.

“Dear, WTF are ya doing? Just find a damn spot and let’s get the shopping done!”

“Screw that. I want a spot right near the damn entrance. And I’m gonna cruise around this lot till I find it.”

“You know dear, sometimes you’re just a damn idiot!”

“Yeah, go ahead, make fun of me now, but when I finally find that spot you’ll thank me.”

“WAIT! There it is……Seeeeeeeeee, I told ya I’d find one.”

mmmmm

Oops……..

 

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The BJ That Keeps On Giving, and Giving, and Giving.

Ebola, Terrorism, Elections…….you’d think one of the top stories people would be getting all bent outta shape about would be one of those concerns.

But….Noooooooooooo.

Ya know what’s getting a lot of press this week. Monica Freakin’ Lewinsky and her damn Presidential BJ.monica1

THIS TIME around Monica is blaming the media, specifically The Drudge Report for ruining her life. And, as we all know, giving the President a BJ would have nothing to do with THAT!

Now personally I for one am not standing up for the Drudge Report because in my own feeble opinion, Matt Drudge is a freakin a**hole who thinks he’s a reincarnated version of celebrity reporter Walter Winchell from waaaaaay back in the ancient days of radio.

Walter Winchell

Walter Winchell

Winchell wanna-be Drudge

Winchell wanna-be Drudge

But, in Drudge’s defense (cough) it was NOT his reporting of Monica’s knee job activity that ruined her life. If anyone, it was her and her idiot so-called friend Linda Tripp.

So now once again come out of the woodwork, so to speak, and claiming that yet another person is responsible for ruining your life is totally ridiculous.

If she’d just shut the f**k up and quit bringing to our attention the fact that she gave the President a BJ perhaps future generations might forget all about it. But nooooooooo. Let’s keep bringing it up every few months or so.monica5

You know what this does to those idiotic social media sites like “Sodahead,” one of the worse sites for idiots with no brains. It brings them out of their sewers and rat holes and gives them yet another opportunity to slam Bill Clinton as being solely responsible for taking advantage of poor little innocent Monica.

“Ohhhhhh Mr. President. I’m sooooooo enthralled by your presence. I adore you. I’d do anything for you, just ask.”

“Um, ok…how about a BJ.”

Did she say no? Whaddya you think.

Soooooo, out of the slime infested dark caverns come those who hate Clinton and start blaming him for seducing Monica, (takes two to tango ya know) and while they’re at it, slamming Hillary as well.

All thanks to innocent little Monica once again reminding us that she gave Clinton a  BJ many moons ago. Thanks honey. And we should all feel sorry for you why?

mmmmm

Take a hint Monica

Oh, yeah. This is for a good cause. She’s speaking in front of various groups about sexual abuse of women. Because, again, as we all know, if you volunteer to give a BJ to the President you defiantly are being sexually abused. Right?

I’m sorry folks. But if I screw up I’m gonna take the blame for my actions and not lay the blame on everyone else I can think of. AND…if I screw up, which I’ve done on many occasions, I’m sure as freaking hell not gonna keep reminding everyone in the world that I screwed up consistently

Me thinkith I’d want to lay low the rest of my life and get on with doing other things that people will comment on, like doing something else notable to show my worth rather than keep harping on my BJ experience.

UNLESS……..UNLESS……this all falls into the 15 minutes of fame category.

Maybe that BJ did not last 15 minutes and Monica feels that she’s owed the rest of that 15 minutes of fame.

I’ve never timed exactly how long a BJ lasts, but I’d bet ya it’s not 15 minutes. Unless you take a coffee break or two just to hydrate yourself. Maybe even a smoke. Who knows.

mmmm

In Monica’s case…..one can only hope

So all in all what this latest Monica headline news is all about is once again reminding all of us that yes, she gave the President a BJ. It ruined her life. Other people are to blame for reporting that story. And, of course, remaining in the spotlight.

Whatever her cause is, standing up for women who are sexually abused, or whatever, that’s commendable. But DO NOT use giving the President a BJ as a platform for being sexually abused.

What’s that famous slogan…..oh yeah…..

JUST SAY NO!

UNLESS……………………….you really did wanna give the President a BJ Monica.

(scuse me…..I have to go take a “logic” pill)

And for future generations, be afraid, be verrrrry afraid. Monica will still somehow continue make the news one way or another…………..'Alright, Bill, One more time,'

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Who Is Linette Beaumont and Why Is She Driving Men Nutso?

Most likely you’ve never heard of actress Linette Beaumont. But, unless you’ve been under a rock, or stoned outta your tree, most men who are 100% red-blooded American males, know who she is…….kinda.

She is a British actress and the first woman to promote a very popular product here in the U.S. Need a hint as to who she is?

Ok….here it is………….

mmmm

Helloooooooooo Baybeeeeee

Um, still don’t get it? Just in case some of you WE’RE actually under a rock or stoned. Here she is again along with the product she’s pushing………….

mmmmmm

Me thinkith Linette could melt snow

Yes…..’Viagra.” The Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious little blue pill for men suffering from reptile….um….sorry……that’s “erectile dysfunction.” I’m not sure if reptiles suffer from that too, but might be worth the Pfizer pharmaceutical company checking into. Hey…..selling drugs to reptiles might mean more bucks.viagra1

Anyhow, getting back to Linette. The Viagra ad is going viral because, as I said, she’s the first woman to do an ad for the product AND…….in my own opinion, is sexy as freakin’ hell.

Of course this is my opinion from a males standpoint. You know how shallow us males are. I base this conclusion on the fact that my other half thinks the ad sucks and can’t stand it. Which, I will assume will be the opinion of most women.

But, that said, it was brilliant of Pfizer to come up with the idea of using a sexy woman to promote Viagra. Hell, it catches MY attention and I don’t even use Viagra. And if I did, I’d probably OD on it. The Italian blood in my veins factor.

My point exactly.....

My point exactly…..

Or even worse…………….

mmmmmm

No need to call in the CSI Team Harry….this is a no brainer. OD on Viagra.

Cripes, if she were selling broccoli or spinach, which I hate, I’d run out and buy it.

Sitting watching the ad on TV when I’m next to my other half and she’s talking to me, the conversation goes somewhat like this.

“Dear, what would you like for dinner tonight?”

“Huh?”

“I said what would you like me to make for dinner tonight.”

“What?”

“DAMN! Can’t you hear me. What, are you freakin’ deaf? What do you want for dinner tonight.?”

“Um, yeah, the winner tonight goes to the World Series.”

This happens because you just can’t take your eyes off of Linette as she sensually promotes the benefits of Viagra while dressed in a long blue flowing negligee and melting you with her accent and says the word, “erectile” during the ad.

Somehow, the male mind, at least mine, centers on the word “erectile” along with “four-hour erection,” coming out of those very close up lips of Linette and everything else is completely oblivious to me.

Did I mention, “very close up lips?” (pant)

I’m envisioning thousands of guys who suffer from erectile dysfunction running out to buy Viagra after seeing that ad.

Um…..just be careful if you intend to run out and fill that Viagra prescription at your local CVS. Sometimes they forget to mark the price and you know what can happen…………

mmmmm

Cripes….why do we always have to get in line behind a damn pervert

And the ad with Linette will spark Viagra sales more so than those other erectile dysfunction ads that show some guy working on a fishing boat and then meeting his sweetie waiting for him on a dock.

Cripes, the guy’s probably reeking from fish smell so he’s gonna need more than Viagra.

Or that guy pulling a horse trailer, gets stuck in the mud, uses his horses to help him pull his truck out of the mud, and then heads home. WTF has that got to do with Viagra.

“Hi dear, I’m home. I just popped a Viagra pill. Wanna go upstairs and mess around?”

“WHAT! You come in here all muddy and stinking to the high heavens of horse and ya wanna mess around. You just wasted a good Viagra pill pal.”

So this new Viagra pill ad is right on the mark. Screw the fish, horse and bathtubs in the woods stuff. Just show Linette romping around in her blue flowing negligee, wet sensual lips and British accent and it’s, as they say in hockey games,  SCOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

mmmmm

Unless your spouse is NOT into hockey that is

Need further proof?

How well do ya think the sales of Viagra would go if they had some guy hawking that pill?

Like say Henry Kissinger for instance.

“Yes, ven I haf erectile dysfunction problems I first hide my memorable photos of Richard Nixon and take a Viagra pill and der globberstookin woodester geds hard as der rocks in my garten. Der problem iss dat I am so old and unattractive I haf no idea vat to do wid a four-hour erection. But, dey paid me to do dis commercial, so what der f**k.”

Yep…….I’d be runnin’ out to buy Viagra if Kissinger was in their ads.

NOT!

mmmm

When Henry mistakenly took the wrong blue pill

So a tip  of the ol MisfitWisdom hat to Pfizer ad executives who finally woke up and figured out that a sexy woman would sure as hell boost their sales.

Along with boosting many a male’s certain body part.

Where the term, "getting a woody" origianted from

Where the term, “getting a woody” originated from

Oh yeah, one more point here. I don’t need Viagra. Just watching that ad with Linette makes MY reptile come alive. (pant)

Just sayin.’

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Sooooo, How Did This “Ebola” Virus Get Its Name Anyhow?

mmmmmm

EBOLA!!!!!!!!!!! EBOLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, PANIC! PANIC! The sky is a fallin’. Ebola is EVERYWHERE!!!!

Well, not really, but if you watch the news media coverage of anyone who so much as has a fever or sneezes you’d think so.

Now I may stand, or sit corrected, but as I understand all of this Ebola stuff, unless you have traveled to Liberia or someplace that has an Ebola outbreak, or have come in contact with someone from those areas that sneezed on you, or somehow deposited some sort of stuff on you, fluids mainly, your chances of contracting Ebola are kinda slim. Basically because it is not an airborne virus.

So I, for one, am NOT gonna panic if I should come down with a fever or get the sneezies. As it is I get the sneezies every day just having cat allergies….and owning three cats. None of which have visited Africa. As far as I know.

mmmmm

But, we ARE working on a new drug for that…………..

So where did this Ebola virus get its name anyhow? According to the Internet, which we all know has nothing but the facts, the virus was named after a river in the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

No, this does NOT mean that Democrats are responsible because the word “Democratic” appears in that name. Nor does it mean Republicans are either because the Congo is a republic. So, if ya hear that on Faux news, and believe that, get a freakin’ life.

mmmmm

Snakes in the grass…um….the ones on the right

The other thing I was wondering was why haven’t pharmaceutical companies come up with a vaccine considering the Ebola virus has been around since 1976. The answer to that questi0n……..because it wasn’t profitable enough to make a vaccine…..such as more profitable drugs that will save mankind, like Viagra and Cialis.

Because as we all know, getting a hard-on is more important than any vaccine to combat Ebola. More profitable for drug companies too.

mmmmm

Then the biggggg bucks start to roll in

“Soooooo Dr. Frebus. What new drug are we working on today to save all of mankind?”

“Well Dr. Zersnick, I’ve come up with this here erectile dysfunction drug that will guarantee men a four-hour erection thereby allowing them to screw their freakin’ brains out.”

“Eureka! Wonderful. I can see the gazillions of bucks just rolling into our corporate coffers. Anything else you’re working on?”

“Well, I was gonna try to come up with a vaccine for that Ebola virus over there in Africa, but what the hell, Africa is sooooo far away and what are the chances of anyone here in the U.S. coming down with Ebola. Besides, how much money are we gonna make selling a vaccine that only three or four hundred people are gonna use.”

“Good point Dr. Frebus. Shelve it for now and see if you can come up with something similar to Viagra and Cialis for women. My damn wife is cold as a dead fish.”

mmmmmmm

So, now that the Ebola virus is causing people to panic, dollar signs are popping up over the heads of all pharmaceutical company executives. There’s money to be made in them thar hills podner. Millions….perhaps gazillions even.

BUT……first we have to test these new drugs to see if there any side effects. You know, those pesky little insignificant side effects that arise when you take a pill for something and then suffer from the effects of the pill you’re taking and need yet another pill to combat the side effects from the first pill you took and before ya know it you’re taking more pills to combat all of the other side effects.

Like those damn four-hour erectile dysfunction pill hard-on side effects. Which I’m absolutely sure every guy taking those pills who gets a four-hour erection is gonna immediately run to the docs office and complain about.

NOT!

mmmmm

And Geritol and Carter’s Little Liver Pills too

But have no Ebola fears my fine feathered friends. Even though presently there is no FDA approved drug to combat Ebola on the market right now, there are pharmaceutical companies that have Ebola drugs that are being tested. The problem……………

mmmmm

Soooo, take two Aspirin and call me in the morning…..if you’re still alive

So basically the only options we as Americans in a state of panic have is to, 1. Never travel to Africa, 2. Avoid people you know who may have traveled to Africa, And 4. Do not play the song “Africa” by Toto until this Ebola threat is over.

http://youtu.be/FTQbiNvZqaY  (play at your own risk)

Might as well cover all bases here.

In the meantime…………….

mmmmmm

Or, if you tend to panic easily…..Arsenic

Just sayin.’

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The Next “Politically Correct” Term: Eurocentric.

mmmmm

Um no….just f**king nuts

As always, being completely oblivious to what the hell is happening in the world, I had no freakin’ clue as to what the word “Eurocentric” meant when I read it in an article recently.

I initially thought it meant something like if you were from Europe and kind of a eccentric type person. Sounded logical to me. But, alas, I was mistaken.

So, before I proceed to the latest politically correct term and how it affects our otherwise mundane lives, here’s the definition:

Eu·ro·cen·tric
ˌyərōˈsentrik,ˌyo͞orō-/
adjective
adjective: Eurocentric; adjective: Euro-centric
  1. focusing on European culture or history to the exclusion of a wider view of the world; implicitly regarding European culture as preeminent.

Which basically means, in layman’s terms, for stoopid people such as myself, anything that relates to stuff that happened in Europe. Or, if you live in Europe and ARE an eccentric person. Whatever.

Sooooo. How does this affect all of us? Well, it seems that those politically correct people are now totally going ballistic over such holidays as Columbus Day, saying that it’s “Eurocentric” and should not be called Columbus Day because this is the Yew-United-States of America and Columbus was European.

mmmmmm

Be afraid….be verrrrry afraid

OMFG! What to do?

So, here’s what they did. And this is sooooooo brilliant….if you’re a freakin’ a**hole politically correct in your face and mine type idiot. You simply go to your local town council, as they did in Seattle, Washington, Berkeley, California and Minneapolis, Minnesota and change Columbus Day to, (OMFG) “Peoples Day.”

YES! Columbus Day will now be known as “Peoples Day” in those cities. Most likely because, as I said, Columbus was Eurocentric and Mario van Peebles, who I assume will now take Columbus’ place, is an honest to goodness Americancentric. Makes sense to me.

Now, of course you know what’s going to be coming down the ol pike next. Besides toll booths that is.

Renaming other holidays that may have a tinge of Eurocentric in them.

Presently these are the holidays we celebrate:

New Year’s Day
Martin Luther King Day
President’s Day
Memorial Day
Independence Day
Labor Day
Columbus Day
Veterans Day
Thanksgiving Day
Christmas Day
January 1
third Monday in January
third Monday in February
last Monday in May
July 4
first Monday in September
second Monday in October
November 11
fourth Thursday in November
December 25

But, other than screwing around with Columbus Day, most of these holidays are somewhat safe from the politically correct crowd. The one exception being Christmas, which offends a lot of off the wall we don’t have a freakin’ life people, who cringe at the word “Christmas” and would rather have it called something else so that instead of “Merry Christmas,” you’d simply say, “Happy Holidays.”merry nothing 1

After all, Christ was born in Bethlehem, which is part of Asia so that would make him Asiacentric.

But what about all the other days we celebrate here in America? Could those days be up for scrutiny by the politically correct too?

Like the Chinese New year (1/31) Should that be renamed, “The Chinese New Year But Only If You Were Born In America New Year? “CNYBOIYWBIA” for short.

mmmmm

Ah so….kid may be Fu Ling Yu

And “Groundhog Day.” (2/2) Shouldn’t that be politically changed to “Underground Rodent Day.” Only because other rodents live under the ground and nobody EVER cares about THEIR damn shadows.groundhog1

Then there’s “National Wear Red Day,”  ( 2/7) which could be interpreted as leaning towards celebrating Russia. Let’s go with something less offensive. Like “National Beige Day” or something.

“Texas Independence Day” (3/2) I personally have an issue with. It should be “Sam Houston” day as he was the one who spearheaded independence for Texas and also gave us those talented singers, Thelma and Whitney Houston. I think.

mmmm

“Prince Jonah Kuhio Kalanianaole Day” (3/26) celebrated in Hawaii, which is now part of the United States. So my politically correct friends, should that be shortened to simply “Prince Day” so as not to offend the rest of us here on the mainland. Besides, the singer Prince could also get in on the action if it were simply shortened to “Prince Day.” As well as the makers of “Prince Spaghetti and Pasta sauce”.

mmmmm

(L) Mona Lisa (R) Mona Lisa after overdoing it on Prince Spaghetti sauce

Cripes, even Cesar Chavez, founder of the National Farm Workers Union and a Mexican American, has his own day, (3/31) What does THAT make him? Mexiamercentric? Let’s change that one too and while we’re at it pay some homage to another great American, Sid Caesar. Two birds with one stone…..or ear of corn.

Cinco de Mayo, (5/5) in honor of the inventor of mayonnaise, slights all other condiments. Therefore, how about National Condiment Day.mayo1

Here’s another guy we honor. Leif Erickson, (10/9) WTF!

Erickson was from Iceland, which is considered part of Europe, so where the hell are those politically correct people when it comes to leaves…um…..sorry, I meant Leaf. Obviously Leif was Eurocentric too. So Leif Erickson Day should be renamed, Fall Leaf Day as far as I’m concerned.

Finally, this last one most definitely will never be the next target of those PC police people. And this is “Indigenous Peoples Day, (10/13)

Defined, that means:

“Having a set of specific rights based on their historical ties to a particular territory, and their cultural or historical distinctiveness from other populations that are often politically dominant.”

Meaning that these people can’t be pinned down to any particular country so they can’t be labeled as “Eurocentric” because who the f**k knows where the hell they’re from. So they’re basically playing it safe.

The very first ind

The very first indigenous people

“Soooooo. I see that you’re one of those indigenous type people. So which country are ya from anyhow and what are your beliefs pal?”

“Screw you buddy. I know what you’re tryin’ to do. Pin me down to a specific country and then you’ll attack my beliefs and my holiday celebrations. So f**k off!”

“Cripes pal, no need to get all bent outta shape here. I was just wonderin’ because you’re wearing a yarmulke, a long flowing robe with a hoodie, a chain with a cross around your neck, and a Hillary for President button on one lapel and a Jeb Bush button on the other. WTF does that make you?”

“Um….politically correct for ANY occasion pal.”

Just sayin.’

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OMG! Social Security Recipiants Are Drainiing The Government……UM….WAIT!!!!

mmmmm

Where’s Dick Van “Dyke” when ya need him?

Yes, I’m one of those no good rotten old geezers collecting Social Security benefits.

OMFG! I’m one of those moochers collecting from an “entitlement” program.

WAIT! Did I pay into SS all of the years I worked? Nah….must be my imagination.

WAIT! (again) WTF does this all mean? Beats the f**k outta me. Being the stoopid person that I am. Perhaps someone might step forward and put this into perspective for me. Like this guy below:


THE ONLY THING WRONG WITH THE
GOVERNMENT’S CALCULATION OF AVAILABLE SOCIAL SECURITY IS THEY FORGOT
TO FIGURE IN THE PEOPLE WHO DIED BEFORE THEY EVER COLLECTED A SOCIAL SECURITY CHECK!
WHERE DID THAT MONEY GO?
Remember, not only did you and I contribute to Social Security but your employer did too.
It totaled 15% of your income before taxes.
If you averaged only $30K over your working life, that’s close to $220,500.
Read that again.
Did you see where the Government paid in one single penny?
We are talking about the money you and your employer put in a government bank to insure you and I, that we would have a retirement check from the money we put in, not the Government.
Now they are calling the money we put in an entitlement when we reach the age to take it back.
If you calculate the future invested value of $4,500 per year (yours & your employer’s contribution) at a simple 5% interest (less than what the Government pays on the money that it borrows).
After 49 years of working you’d have $892,919.98. If you took out only 3% per year, you’d receive $26,787.60 per year and it would last better than 30 years (until you’re 95 if you retire at age 65) and that’s with no interest paid on that final amount on deposit!
If you bought an annuity and it paid 4% per year, you’d have a lifetime income of $2,976.40 per month.
THE FOLKS IN WASHINGTON
HAVE PULLED OFF A BIGGER PONZI SCHEME
THAN BERNIE MADOFF EVER DID.
Entitlement my foot; I paid cash for my social security insurance!
Just because they borrowed the money for other government spending, doesn’t make my benefits some kind of charity or handout!!
Remember Congressional benefits?
— free healthcare, outrageous retirement packages, 67 paid holidays, three weeks paid vacation, unlimited paid sick days.
Now that’s welfare, and they have the nerve to call my social security retirement payments entitlements?
They call Social Security and Medicare an entitlement even though most of us have been paying for it all our working lives, and now, when it’s time for us to collect, the government is running out of money.
Why did the government borrow from it in the first place?
It was supposed to be in a locked box, not part of the general fund.
Sad isn’t it?

mmmm

Freakin’ moochers

Ok……thanks Brian. But I’d like to add these statistics in as well. Courtesy of “Wikipedia.”  Because I’m 100% positive that obviously we SS moochers are draining the government and SS will go broke.

And, the government just does not have any spare cash to keep it going.

 

Recipients of good ol American Aid dollars in 2012

Top 25 Recipient Countries of U.S. Foreign Aid FY 2012 Reported in $US millions, Obligations [6]
Country U.S. Total Economic and Military Assistance FY 2012, $US millions Economic Assistance FY 2012, $US millions Military Assistance FY 2012, $US millions US Economic and Military Assistance per Capita, $US
Afghanistan 12,885.50 3,325.50 9,559.90 423.59
Israel 3,100.10 25.10 3,075.00 408.40
Iraq 1,940.10 783.50 1,156.60 62.32
Egypt 1,404.00 102.60 1,301.40 16.78
Pakistan 1,214.90 1,137.70 77.20 6.38
Jordan 1,135.30 831.60 303.70 174.42
Ethiopia 870.10 864.60 5.40 9.54
Kenya 749.20 745.60 3.60 17.42
Colombia 644.30 543.90 100.40 14.24
Haiti 510.40 510.20 0.20 52.07
West Bank/Gaza 457.40 457.40 105.57
South Sudan 444.30 395.50 48.80 41.81
Russia 440.90 339.00 101.90 3.09
Somalia 419.60 274.90 144.70 41.61
Tanzania 402.00 399.20 2.80 8.57
Congo (Kinshasa) 388.40 370.50 18.00 5.28
Uganda 352.40 349.40 3.00 10.48
Nigeria 335.90 330.90 4.90 1.97
Sudan 298.10 298.10 0.00 8.72
South Africa 274.70 272.60 2.20 5.63
Mozambique 274.00 273.50 0.50 11.65
Ukraine 273.30 207.20 66.10 6.09
Yemen 258.50 237.40 21.10 10.44
Bangladesh 256.80 246.50 10.30 1.59
Liberia 247.10 233.80 13.30 63.56

 

mmmm

Um….how about Canada……

 

Obviously these countries need our cash more than anyone on Social Security, which, as everyone says, is draining the government dry. (sniff)

I feel so embarrassed taking Social Security and all those other benefits the government gives me when I could just say, “Hey, keep your money, those other countries need it more than me.”

Ok everybody….let’s all break out in a patriotic song now.

Americaaaaaaaaaaaa, Americaaaaaaaaa, …um….I’m sorry, I’m all choked up. I can’t sing anymore.

Think I’ll just go have some bread and water and think about all this.

mmmmm

Ok….maybe a carrot and some sour milk instead

Just sayin.’

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It’s “Columbus Day.” Honoring Peter Falk Of Course.

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Um, where exactly were you on the night of October 14, 1492

(A reprise of my Columbus Day blog from last year)

Oops…sorry, I got that wrong. “Columbus Day” does not honor Peter Falk who played “Columbo” on that TV series. BUT…I bet if ya ask a bunch of today’s school kids who Columbus was nine out of ten of them would say it was a detective on TV played by Peter Falk.

Just like on a trivia question I came across on the Internet the other day that asked the question, “Who Shot lee Harvey Oswald?” 7% answered, John Wilkes Booth. Go figure. It’s common knowledge that John Wilkes Booth shot President Garfield. Duh.

So today is “Columbus Day” in which we honor Christopher Columbus for discovering America and enlightening native Indians about how they could eventually make a fortune opening casinos once all kinds of colonists began to settle in the new land.

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Columbus discovers the early version of Ellis Island

And as you can see, they took his advice. Which begs the question, where would Donald Trump be today had it not been for Columbus.

Photo of Columbus taken with a Smartphone

Photo of Columbus taken with a Smartphone

A bit of history on Columbus for those of you who think we’re celebrating the founding of Columbus, Ohio.

Columbus was an Italian explorer who was born in Genoa, Italy around 1451. Which, I’m assuming, is the same place the Genoa sandwich was invented. Makes sense to me. Although I don’t think Columbus discovered the sandwich.columbus1

He had itchy feet which led him to go out and explore all kinds of places. That and a really good “Capital One” credit card with all sorts of rewards. Which led him to be able to convince Queen Isabella to extend him some credit to purchase three ships, the Nina, Pinta and Santa Claus…um….sorry, that last one should be the “Santa Maria.”

The Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria..or is it the Pinta, Nina,and Santa Maria..NO WAIT! It's the Santa Maria, Pinta and umm...ah screw it....it's Columbus' three boats

The Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria..or is it the Pinta, Nina,and Santa Maria..NO WAIT! It’s the Santa Maria, Pinta and umm…ah screw it….it’s Columbus’ three boats

Besides having itchy feet, which led him to venture out and explore, he also needed to get the hell outta the house he lived in with his parents. Basically because his father, Domenico Columbo was a middle class wool weaver and also owned a cheese stand and made Chris help out with the family business.

You can only weave wool and eat cheese for so long before it drives ya nutso.

m

How Columbus came up with the idea of sailing the ocean blue in 1492

So, in 1492, he sailed the ocean blue, (which would later become a poem) and eventually discovered the new land, “America.” It DID take him some time to discover America because he was sort of a really bad navigator considering he once set out to sail to Japan but wound up in the Bahamas.

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Oops….

Which, if he hadn’t got his act together, would have made him basically screwed when it came to discovering America because he had competition from some guy named Leif Ericson who was also an explorer and could have beat Columbus to America first.

In which case we would be celebrating “Ericson” day instead of “Columbus Day.” Which, when ya think about it, wouldn’t be that bad considering “leafs” fall during the month of October, and Ericson’s name was “Leif,” so we could tie in Autumn leaf watching, the discovery of America and Lief Ericson Day all in one big celebration.

A few other people also have been credited with the discovery of America, but Columbus eventually got the credit. Scholar Amerigo Vespucci, who I think sailed here as well, and whom the “Vespa” motor scooter may have been named after, can also claim that America was named after him. Or at least the motor scooter.

n

And shopping malls….don’t forget the shopping malls!

The vikings also were out sailing round the time Columbus was too, so there’s some speculation that they may have landed in America as well. Which may have some credibility considering Minnesota has a football team named the “Minnesota Vikings”.

Columbus can also be credited with proving that the World was indeed round. You may recall that a lot of the crew were afraid that the World was square and that they would eventually fall off the edge. Columbus, being somewhat irritated at those idiots claiming the World was square and had edges, most likely took them to the edge of the Santa Maria and threw their butts off into the water.

“Yousa tinka da Earth has a edgea. I’ll showa youse an edgea yousea idiotos!”

m

Not only was Columbus a bad navigator, but sucked when it came to knowing anything about boats

Columbus died in 1506 at the age of 54, and even though he was dead, continued to travel to new and exciting places. First he was interred in Spain. Then he was moved to Santa Domingo in the Dominican Republic, then to Havana, Cuba, and then eventually back to Spain. Hard to keep a good explorer down.

There is some question as to where exactly he is buried to this day. Or if he’s still traveling.

In any event, we can thank Chris for giving us a day off from work in celebration of Columbus Day. As well as thanking the late Peter Falk for all those Colombo reruns.

And being very thankful that Columbus gets the credit for discovering America instead of that Ericson guy, Amerigo Vespucci or those Vikings.

Especially those people living in Columbus, Ohio who could be living in Ericson, Vespucci or Viking, Ohio.

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Columbus’ original map

And being stuck with those names like the people living in Intercourse, Pennsylvania who got stuck with THAT name most likely because some ancient explorer got caught with his pants down while exploring Pennsylvania with some bimbo and took a bo-dee-oh-doe break and got caught with his pants down and some pilgrim yelled out…”OMG…thouist doing Intercourse”……………and the name stuck.

Just sayin.’

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