As Linda Ronstadt Once Sang, “Poor Poor Pitiful Me.” (sob)

I don’t want to say that I lead a life of being broke and destitute, but, I lead a life of being broke and destitute. Um….not really, but damn close.

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Tip # 1: How to make a buck

I say that because, as anybody living on Social Security knows, you have to find novel ways to stretch your dollar each and every month. And Gawd knows I’ve become an expert at stretching that ol dollar. Ripping off things helps.

So I decided today to give some of you some tips on how to accomplish the art of surviving if you live on a fixed income. Yes….bank robbery IS an option, but at the price of gas these days it’s very hard to become involved in a high-speed chase with the cops and not run outta gas. So scrap that idea.

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Tip # 2: Never use a tractor as a get-a-way car when pulling a bank job

But, as I said, there are ways of actually getting things accomplished. For instance. As some of you know from reading my blog, every Summer I do battle with Blackie the snake in my yard. (yes, every creature in my yard we give names to)

Rusty the squirrel, Blackie the snake, Chippy the chipmunk, Rocky the raccoon, Orby the Orb Weaver spider, Pepe la Pew the skunk, and Foster, the occasional drunk who stumbles into our yard from the bar across the street. (named after comedian Foster Brooks)

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Hic*

So, getting back to Blackie, I decided I would construct a new shed with an actual door so that Blackie would not annoy me by being able to take up residence in such a structure. BUT….how do ya do that with limited cash?

Pallets. yep, those pallets that you see everywhere just lying around taking up space behind various stores and malls.

The way I look at it, wood is wood, so why not use pallets to make a shed. Problem is that you have to find them and convince stores that have them that you want to take a few of them. Which I did……unsuccessfully, because store managers are a bunch of snotty ass wimps who panic if you want something that they think might be worth bucks….if they could only figure out how to do that.

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The mother lode of pallets

So, I went to a lumber yard and they were more than happy to load up my pickup truck with as many as I could haul away. For zip….nada….zilch. Such a deal.

Here’s what it looks like so far. Of course, construction has been halted for a month or two until I can muster up more cash to finish the project. BUT…ya gotta admit I did accomplish quite a bit.

Eat your heart out Home Depot

Eat your heart out Home Depot

Now with that in mind, considering I saved myself a few hundred bucks on buying plywood by using those pallets for the walls, I thought of other ways of saving a buck. Only because we here at the MisfitWisdom household like to occasionally eat, and the money we didn’t have to spend on wood, allows us to actually eat a meal or two a day.

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But I only do this at the end of the month when pickings are slim

Take the artificial sweetener “Splenda” for instance. Ya buy a box of it and it costs ya a fortune. Kinda. So, you reluctantly become a “Splenda” thief by ripping off packets wherever they leave them out. BUT….those bastards are now on to Splenda rip off thieves, such as myself, and now dole them out piecemeal.

I’ve beat them at their game however. I only use one Splenda but always ask for five each every time I get a coffee. Ya gotta get up pretty early in the morning to out fox ol Misfit. Heh heh.

Same goes for those coffee creamers. Rip those suckers off too. Keeps dairy farmers in business as well. You know, supply and demand.

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Or….you can go right to the source

There are a lot of other ways to stretch your dollar. Revving up my truck engine as I pull outta the driveway and coasting to the first red light, and so on, till I get where I’m going. Everybody thinks I’m driving a Ram 1500 electric vehicle.

Oh yeah, while I’m at it, napkins. Rip those suckers off too. Do you have any idea how much money you can save in a month by ripping off napkins. I’m still trying to figure out how to rip off toilet paper. Not easy sneaking a roll outta places.

I did try to convince my other half to stuff a few rolls into her coat when we’re using public restrooms and trying to appear as if she were pregnant to avoid those pesky security guys,  but considering she’s —— years old she didn’t think that would fly. (her age deleted for my own protection)

Tip # 3: This falls into the "do I look fat in this dress category."

Tip # 3: This falls into the “do I look fat in this dress category.”

Those on-line surveys are another way to stretch your monthly income. A couple of bucks here and there or free points to get stuff is worth it. Problem is that most of those survey sites are looking for age groups between 25 and 40 and I found I would be disqualified if I listed my real age. So, I lie.

HEY! Whaddya think they’re gonna do. Come knockin’ at my door and arrest me because I said I was 25!

Now you all know that I also ask for donations for my wonderful creative efforts in bringing you this nonsense 365 days a year. Which hasn’t been too successful. But, I try. I look at it this way. Some day Bill Gates of Microsoft will laugh his ass off at one of my blogs and send me a gazillion dollars.

Not likely, but ya gotta keep plugging.

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About as rich as I’d be if I had a nickel donation for every blog I wrote.

Finally, and this may seem like a strange way to make it through each month……..casinos.

Yep…casinos. I know, I know, you’re saying to yourselves, “WTF, you’re screamin’ poverty and your going to a freakin’ casino?”

Well, it’s like this my fine feathered friends. A lot of casinos will give us old money-grubbing seniors free slot play a few times a month. Usually ranging from $10 to $25. So what to do with that huge windfall? Ya play penny slots and when ya hit it for anything above that original free slot play….cash out. Works for me.

Finally, my last tip for surviving if you are on a fixed income. Hamburg.

Do you have any idea the number of uses for hamburg? Like Shepherd Pie, hamburgers, (duh) American chop suey, loaf of meat, (meatloaf) meatballs, SOS, (shit on a shingle) mixed with pasta in a different gazillion ways, stuffed peppers, and many more uses too numerous to mention. (look at a cow chart)cows5

So, those are some of the ways we stretch a buck here. Feel free to contribute your own suggestions for surviving.

Well, so much for today’s MisfitWisdom guide for surviving yet another month. Gotta go.

Today is our collecting road kill day. Do you have any idea the number of meals you can get outta one possum?

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McPossum’s

Just sayin.

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After Missing Last Months “National Topless Day” THIS MONTH I’m Gonna Be Prepared

September 2014: The Summer that never was

September 2014: The Summer that never was

Here it is the very first day of September. The month where all parents of school aged children stock up on peanut butter and jelly. Oh yeah, and Twinkies.

Yep….off to school ya little twerps.sept1

Which is the upside for all parents. “Free at last, thank Gawd free at last!!!!!”

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Aghhhhhhhhh!!!!

The downside, for all of the rest of us. Getting trapped behind a stinkin’ school bus.

Anyhow, as you may recall, I missed out on all the festivities of “National Topless Day,” which I am a big supporter of. Being a man of course. Hey….anytime a great cause such as women going topless is celebrated, ya can count on me to back them 100%. Just my civic duty.

So, with that in mind, I figured I’d really better start paying attention to all of the events planned for the Month of September jusssst in case something like a “National Naked Day” is scheduled. Wouldn’t wanna miss THAT one.

So, by order of their dates, I have, as a public service of course, listed all of the scheduled events taking place during the month of September. Some of which are quite understandable and worth celebrating, while others simply baffle the mind.

Here’s the list of events from the site “HolidayInsights.com.” I’ve added a comment or two on some of them. Might wanna mark these important special days on your calendar.

Not only during the month of September, but all 12 months

Not only during the month of September, but all 12 months

 

September, 2014 Bizarre and Unique Holidays

Month:

  • Classical Music Month……yawn.
  • Hispanic Heritage Month…….si
  • Fall Hat Month…….wear as many hats as you possibly can.
  • International Square Dancing Month……….can hardly wait to celebrate this one.
  • National Blueberry Popsicle Month……..take a “Good Humor” guy to breakfast
  • National Courtesy Month………do not say, “f**k off” you idiot to anyone this month.
  • National Piano Month……..You are required to watch the movie, “The Piano” at least seven times this month.
  • Chicken Month……..Whenever you go to a “KFC” restaurant you must pause for a moment of silence for all dearly departed chickens.
  • Baby Safety Month…….Hey, you should have thought about wearing one BEFORE you had to celebrate this day you idiot.
  • Little League Month…….You celebrate this one by attending a Little League game. Usually a Boston Red Sox game. At least THIS year.
  • Honey Month…….Honoring all honey bees who work so hard all year long. Buy them a jar of honey so they can have a day off for cripes sake.
  • Self Improvement Month……..Make an appointment to see your plastic surgeon.
  • Better Breakfast Month……..An excuse to pig out every morning on McDonald’s hot cakes and sausage breakfast.
  • BUT WAIT!…….There’s more…………………

    Oh Joy........

    Oh Joy……..

September, 2014 Daily Holidays, Special and Wacky Days:

1 Emma M. Nutt Day, the first woman telephone operator. Yep, Emma was nutts enough to have the distinction of being the first bona-fide telephone operator to ask you to deposit another dime for the next ten minutes or she was gonna cut you off back in 1878.

1 Labor Day First Monday of month……… Pregnant women who are expecting…….ready……set…..go!

3 Skyscraper Day……………Why you ask? Who TF knows.

4 Newspaper Carrier Day……..On this day little 10 year-old Barney Flaherty became the very first newspaper boy to deliver the “New York Sun” newspaper. The only qualification, (for real) was that he had to be able to throw a paper  in the bushes. Which always pissed off George H.W. and Dubya Bush.

Little Barney Flaherty still at it today

Little Barney Flaherty still at it today

“Hey ya little twerp……on the freakin’ porch…..on the freakin porch!!!!”

5 Be Late for Something Day……..Perfect excuse on this day to be late for anything. (might wanna clip this one out to show to your boss)

5 Cheese Pizza Day……..Like ANYONE with a brain needs a day to eat a cheese pizza. WTF!

6 Fight Procrastination Day……..On this day you are allowed to give serious consideration to pounding the bejesus outta anyone who just annoys the f**k outta you. And possibly explain to the police when they arrest you for assault and battery that it’s perfectly legal today.

6 Read a Book Day………”50 Shades of Gray.” (you now have an excuse to read it)

7 Grandparent’s Day – first Sunday after Labor Day……….”Hello granny. This is Marvin, your long-lost nephew and I’m stuck in Guatemala and need $5,000 to get outta jail…..can ya send me the money NOW.”

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And my checking account number is……………

7 Neither Rain nor Snow Day………..The day when all weatherman can say, “Cripes, I don’t have a freakin’ clue what the hell the weather is gonna be today.’

8 International Literacy Day……….Forget his one. Have you read any comments on social media sites lately?

8 National Date Nut Bread Day – or December 22!?……..I’m not quite sure about this one. It’s either eating date nut bread or dating a nut. Better check it out first before you celebrate it.

9 Teddy Bear Day……..All radio stations are required to play Elvis’, “Let Me Be Your Teddy Bear.”bear3

10 Swap Ideas Day……….Unless you don’t have any damn ideas.

11 Make Your Bed Day…….Yeah you lazy SOB’s.

11 No News is Good News Day……….Only if you watch the Fox News channel.

13 Defy Superstition Day……Today you can boldly walk under a ladder, break a mirror and tell your spouse she looks fat in that dress. (call me if you survive this day)

13 Fortune Cookie Day……..Ah so. Cookie say, “You really gullible if you believe in what cookie say.”

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Damn! I did didn’t I…….

13 National Peanut Day………This may or may not include scarfing down a bag of M&M’s peanuts.

13 Positive Thinking Day…………If you are a pessimist…..stay the freak home.

13 Uncle Sam Day – his image was first used in 1813………….If you do not have an uncle named Sam, send your uncle a card anyhow.

14 National Cream-Filled Donut Day………Yep….for me it’s off to Krispy Kreme again for my chocolate covered lemon filled donut. Maybe 2 or 3 dozen to celebrate this day. It’s the least I can do.

16 Collect Rocks Day……….Seriously? Seriously! WTF! You got rocks in your head if you actually celebrate  THIS day. Then again…………you’ve got a head start.

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Noooooooo! Nooooooo!

16 Mexican Independence Day……….Visit your local “Taco Bell” and wish them well. “I salute you with this burrito Amigo.”

19 International Talk Like A Pirate Day……”Aye matey. Shiver me timbers.” (which in pirate talk means it’s freakin’ cold on this boat so throw me a damn blanket)

20 National Punch Day……….The drink you idiot.

21 Miniature Golf Day……Take a short person with you to a golf course.

22 Elephant Appreciation Day………Personally I think this should have been tied in with National Peanut Day. You know, two birds with one stone. (think about that one)

23 Checkers Day……..In memory of Richard Nixon’s famous speech. I think.

23 Dog in Politics Day……….Hey….I was kidding about that Nixon thing above, but THIS day actually IS about Nixon’s “Checker’s” speech. Go figure.

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Chasing the Presidential limo…..my guess anyhow

26 Johnny Appleseed Day……….Where all our apple trees came from. Little Johnny Appleseed. Which kinda makes sense to me. If your name was “Appleseed” me thinkith that would be a clue as to what your profession in life would be. Planting apple seeds. duh!

27 International Rabbit Day – Fourth Saturday in September………..Carrots and lettuce may be on sale at your local grocers today in honor of this day.

28 Ask a Stupid Question Day………Ok….um…….Why the f**k am I writing all this stupid stuff?

29 Confucius Day – Try your luck. Get a Fortune Cookie.………WAIT! We already went that fortune cookie route. Not fallin’ for THAT again. Um…ok…..I’ll bite at the “Confucius Day” thing….soooo, what does Confucius say today?

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Which, I think, goes along with “Make Your Bed Day” on the 11th.

Just sayin.’

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I Need The Mother Of All Grills. Um……maybeeeee not.

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First of all, the mother of all gas grills

 

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MY (sniff) gas grill

 

Welcome to the MisfitWisdom Sunday day of rest blog. Which, if I had any sense, I’d be taking a day of rest instead of writing this stupid blog. But, not having any sense, here I am writing stupid stuff.

On the other hand, if you had any sense you wouldn’t be here reading this on a Sunday either.

So that makes two of us, or a bunch of us with absolutely no lives whatsoever that we have to waste our time writing or reading this blog. Sad isn’t it.

Anyhow, after causing enough hate and discontent amongst the Internet Trolls this week I thought I’d be a bit laid back today and contemplate about things that I need, want, and long for…..other than those donations I always ask for but never get.

Men vs women logic

Men vs women logic

One was one of those riding lawnmowers. I thought about that because my neighbor has one and it IS the mother of all riding lawnmowers. Problem is, his yard is the size of my closet so I can’t quite understand why he has one.

My neighbors riding lawn mower. Oh..yeah....he's into Batman too

My neighbors riding lawn mower. Oh..yeah….he’s into Batman too

MY lawnmower...oh yeah...I'm into hernias

MY lawnmower…oh yeah…I’m into hernias

THEN I realized that it’s not that you need to have a big yard to want a mother of all riding lawnmowers, it’s that you just WANT IT!!!!! That’s the key word here….”WANT.”

Like, it’s only me and my other half living here and a gas grill the size of a Monopoly board works fine for the both of us. BUT…I “WANT” the mother of all grills.

Sure, I only cook two hamburgers and two hot dogs at a time, BUT that’s not the point. Ya see, men need those things, like the mother of all grills and the mother of all riding lawn mowers just to satisfy their need for testosterone.

Which is why men who own motorcycles have straight pipes on their cycles so that they can break the sound barrier when exiting from anywhere and thereby spike their testosterone levels right to the ceiling.cycle2

Have you EVER seen a guy who rides a motorcycle with a straight pipe walk out of wherever he is, get on the cycle, and just take off?

NO! They come outta wherever they are, start their cycles, and Varoooooom!  Varoooooom!  At least for ten to fifteen minutes before actually leaving. Again, spiking their testosterone levels. Which is similar to a woman having a climax during sex.

Only in this case the love affair is with their cycle.

So, I WANT the mother of all grills but my other half says I don’t NEED it.

To which I reply, “I KNOW I DON’T NEED IT….I WANT IT!!!

Which is basically the same argument we have when I want sex. Actually the same argument when ANY man wants sex.

But…..tell a woman she doesn’t NEED a new pair of shoes and all of a sudden the tables are turned. THEN it’s ok for a woman to WANT.

I don’t get it.

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The bastards………….

Um, actually I do get it, but why try using logic with ANY woman.

So, am I gonna get a new mother of all grills. NO. Am I gonna get a new mother of all riding lawnmowers? NO. Or a new mother f**king of all snowblower. NO.

Because women’s logic is that you don’t really NEED those things and WANTING them is not a viable reason for even considering buying them.

Example 1. Women,s logic

Example 1. Women’s logic

“Sooooo, dear, if I NEED and WANT sex does that fall into the same category?”

“Honey sweetie, you’re confusing NEEDING and WANTING.”

“I am?”

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Example 2. Women’s logic

“Yes. See snookums, NEEDING and WANTING material things does not fall into the needing and wanting categories because the things that YOU need and want we can live without, and besides that, they are way too expensive and you can do just fine with your table sized gas grill, push from behind lawnmower and your snow shovel.”

“Um soooo, what has this got to do with sex that doesn’t cost a dime, but that I need and want?”

“Absolutely nothing dear, but it’s woman logic and you know better than to argue with a woman when it comes to women’s logic.”

“Um….yeah……..sorry.”

“Ok……now that we’ve settled all that, I’m going shopping with the girls because Macy’s is having a great sale on women’s shoes that I need and want. Would you like me to pick up anything for you while I’m out dear?”

“Yeah…….the mother of all sledge hammers.”

“But do you need that honey.”

“I will when you get back home honeeeeeee. Heh heh.”

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Example: Men’s logic 1-10

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I Was Going To Write A Blog Today, But, I Don’t Have A Strategy Plan

 

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I’m being a bit sarcastic with that “strategy” comment. Because, a lot of Internet trolls have jumped on President Obama for stating that the U.S. does not have a “strategy” as of this moment to deal with ISIS.

Soooo, I’m thinking to myself. Son-of-a-bitch! No strategy. WTF!

Damn!

Damn!

If you’re gonna launch an attack on that terrorist organization ya gotta have a strategy.

AND….if ya have a strategy you should go on national TV and lay out exactly word for word point for point just exactly what that strategy is.

THEN, those terrorists at least have a chance to look over our strategy and take offensive measures.

Hey….fair is fair ya know.

Ok...Ok......stop yer whining....we'll tell ya our strat

Ok…Ok……stop yer whining….we’ll tell ya our strategy

Cripes, if I were a terrorist organization I’d sure as hell wanna know what our strategy would be if we’re going to attack them.

That way, knowing the strategy Obama has planned, they can launch their own strategy and then, by knowing our strategy, out stratergize (my word) us.. Makes sense to me. After all, hasn’t every President had a strategy when it comes to getting in and outta a war?

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Damn!  (again)

Ya see, strategy is all about having a plan to sneak up on those bastards and pulverize the f**k outta them. You don’t go telling EVERYBODY WTF our strategy is and expect to surprise the hell outta them do ya.

Everybody knows that!

(had our strategy been laid out on national TV the night Navy Seals set out to capture or kill Osama bin Laden do ya think he would have been at home that night…….f**k no)

“Hey Assad. Guess what I just heard on CNN.”

“Um, what Mo?”

“The U.S. Has this strategy plan to send over three hundred bombers, seven million troops, a gazillion tanks and re runs of Honey Boo Boo to kick our butts.”

“OMFG….or…..in this case, OMFA!!!”(Allah)

“Oh nooooooo Assad. We can handle those bombers, tanks and troops by hiding in our underground bunkers but if they intercept our cable TV programs while we’re in there hiding and all we can get are Honey Boo Boo reruns I’ll kill myself!”

“Do not fear Mo. There’s always those 70 virgins we were promised if it comes to that.”

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See what happens when too many terrorists blow themselves up

A word of caution to ISIS if you subscribe to that “70 virgins” promise.

Ya wanna know how many virgins I’ve had here on Earth in my entire lifetime. ONE!

Yep. “ONE.” And I married her!

So if they’re THAT rare here on Earth, whaddya think your chances are of getting one, maybe two. They ARE kinda rare ya know.

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Um, unless you like the skanky ones

On top of that……..do you actually think all of you are going to go upwards on your final destination trip? Meaning securing a pair of wings and a halo. Me thinkith not.

Soooo, that basically means, even if you did have a chance of at least getting your hands on one virgin, if you were to make it to the Pearly Gates, your chances are pretty slim pal.

WHY?

Because if there aren’t that many virgins here on Earth, it’s gonna be slim pickings up there. And, from a reliable source, THIS is what most of those virgins look like:

And....I'm a virgin honeeeee

And….I’m a virgin honeeeee

Come to think of it. THAT might be a strategy the President might incorporate.

YES! Round up as many virgins, such as the one pictured above, send them over to where ISIS is and have them carry signs stating that they’re all virgins and instead of blowing themselves up, they can have those virgins NOW.

Cripes….I’d surrender in a heartbeat.

Or……go with this strategy……………..

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Damn! Brilliant!

How’s THAT for strategy.

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Katie Couric Says: “I Wonder Who She Blew This Time?” OMFG!!! Cat Fight! Cat Fight!

 

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This would NOT be the type of “cat fight” I’m writing about

On the other hand……………..

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THIS would be the type of “cat fight” I’m writing about

“The Daily Beast” and reporter Lloyd Grove posted an article on the Internet about a new “tell all” book. (a book that tells us all what we didn’t know, wished we’d known, and after reading it, saying to ourselves, “That’s it?”)

BUT….because we are a bunch of nosy SOB’s we still like to know what goes on behind the scenes when it comes to celebrities. Why? Other than we’re nosy?

Because it makes us all feel normal when we see how catty some celebrities can be, such as in the case of Katie Couric, who, in a new book written by veteran journalist Sheila Weller, says that Katie once used this line when referring to Diane Sawyer who beat Katie on an interview with a 57-year-old woman who’d given birth to twins:  “I wonder who she blew this time to get it.”

Meowrrrrrrrrrrr

Meowrrrrrrrrrrr

Now if a guy said that we’d all be yawning. Cause guys are slugs anyhow and ya expect that from guys.

Like if I said, “Wonder who Rush Limbaugh blew to get his job.”

See…..nobody would care. BUT have a woman say that about another woman and SHAZAM! all ears perk up and it’s the one headline ya find on the Internet to promote a new book.

OMG!!! OMG!!! Katie said WHAT?

Again……….meowrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! Yes, the makings of a cat fight. Ho hum.

Unless there was an actual cat fight, THEN THAT would be great stuff. Nothing like a good cat fight.

A clue that eventually news reporting was going to be more like entertainment

A clue that eventually news reporting was going to be more like entertainment

So, now that I’ve given you some MisfitWisdom insight into that “who blew who and who said what” headline,” is there anything else in this new book due out September 30th that should titillate all of us. (love that word)

Let’s see.

Hmmmm. Well, Weller says that, “Couric comes off as brash, striving, self-absorbed, and occasionally insensitive to the realities faced by her less well-compensated coworkers, yet steeled by personal tragedy (the cancer-related deaths of her husband and her sister) and capable of big-hearted generosity.”

Ok…so um….she’s basically a normal person. Nothing earth shattering there. Anything else before I doze off here?

WAIT! More catty stuff here. Oooooooooooo.

Weller wrote WHAT about Diane Sawyer?

(excerpt) “Sawyer is a Machiavellian, often-inscrutable workaholic who uses her seductive charm and good looks to professional advantage and torments news producers with her relentless perfectionism and insecurity—an apparent consequence of a fraught relationship with her judgmental, formidable mother.”

HEY! If a blonde hot looking babe like Diane Sawyer wanted to use her seductive charm and good looks to take advantage of me do ya think I’d complain. Torment me baybee….torment me. YES!!!

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Um….can ya wear it when you do the news on TV too?

And of reporter and correspondent Christine Amanpour:

“Amanpour is the reigning queen of the warzone, more physically courageous and resourceful than her male colleagues in perilous combat situations, but with an occasionally off-putting sense of moral superiority which, along with her posh British accent, sometimes renders her brittle and inaccessible to American audiences—a factor which seems to have hampered her career.”

Considering I started out writing about cat fights, perhaps Christine’s last name should be “Amanpurr.” Ya think? Anyhow, nothing startling there either.

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Sorry sis, it’s the cat’s litter box and she really has to go

Geez….come on for cripes sakes. Gimmie some juicy stuff here! Ya lost me after that who blew who Couric line.

(checking for titillating items in Weller’s book) Second time I got to use that word.

(more excerpts)

“CBS News Executive Vice President Paul Friedman publicly muses on an open audio line about which female anchor looks worse without makeup—Sawyer or Couric.”

“I was blown back in my chair,” a female producer tells Weller.

Well….that WAS a close one…….referring to “blowing” once again, but (sigh) no cigar.

Ok, how about this then………..

“Sawyer’s famous rivalry with Barbara Walters for ratings-grabbing interview subjects was akin to mortal combat. “Barbara and Diane were determined to kill each other—to wipe each other off the face of the earth,” says an ABC News staffer.”

Geez. Too bad that didn’t actually happen. Now THAT would be a reality show I’d freakin’ watch. “Real Newscasters of New York.” Cripes, add some cleavage, a few cat fights and I betcha any networks ratings would skyrocket.

Like maybe having Katie in this pose as the news program opens…….

MMMMM

L-L-L-Live F-F-F-From N-N-N-New Y-Y-Y-York….CBS News with K-K-K-Katie C-C-C-Couric (pant)

“Couric and Sawyer competed relentlessly for “gets” both when they hosted rival morning shows—Couric at NBC’s Today—but with radically different approaches.”

I guess “gets” means who “gets” who to appear on their shows and which one is the better of the “gets” that would “get” us, (viewers) to watch whom “got” who as a “get.”

Um….I think I “get” it.

Another excerpt from the book about Amanpurrrrrrr:

“After the attacks of 9/11, Amanpour defied then-CNN president Walter Isaacson’s attempt “to get all the reporters in the Middle East to skew their stories more favorably to Israel.” Instead she aired a critical report about the Israeli destruction of an Arab village, without including the Israeli government’s point of view. “Christiane had the power to push a piece through,” says a CNN insider.”

Now see. If this were a totally risqué expose’ with all kinds of catty stuff involving sex, lies, videotape and commercials, (gotta have commercials) reading that line above, ” the power to push a “piece” through,” I might have assumed THAT was a slang term for Amanpour hawking herself in a bar somewhere. Damn!

mmmmmm

Christine in a bar

Anything else……geez, next think ya know some stuff about respected newsman Walter Cronkite will surface.

WAIT!

“When Couric became the first woman to front a network evening news program alone at CBS, she wooed iconic anchor Walter Cronkite over a couple of dinners, and the old man’s blessing was such that he recorded the introduction to the broadcast.”

WHAT! All it took was a couple of freakin’ dinners and Cronkite folded!!! Holy crap Walter. WHAT! Were ya broke and needed a dinner. Geez…you shoulda called me, I woulda bought you a Big Mac or somethin’ with no strings attached.

“Later Cronkite privately expressed discomfort with Couric’s allegedly soft-news style.”

Most likey saying, “WTF…I only got a couple of damn dinners!”

STILL….no really juicy catty stuff……um……..wait a sec.

“In early 2010, as CBS News was facing massive layoffs, and prominent talents like Lesley Stahl were being asked to take pay cuts, Couric, who was famously making $15 million a year, gave a breezy interview to Harper’s Bazaar boasting about her great legs, illustrated with a glamorous movie star photo.”

mmmmm

Come on up an see me sometime baybeeee……..

Nah……the legs angle wouldn’t have swayed me. Boobs, cleavage maybe, a side boob shot or Katie having a colonoscopy on live TV.

Um…wait……I think she actually did that.

mmmm

And THIS time in 3-D

 

Ok…ok….damn it. Maybeeeee some boob shots for cripes sake.

mmmmmm

Works for me

 

Might as well throw in a "side boob" shot while we're at it

Might as well throw in a “side boob” shot while we’re at it

Representatives of Couric and Amanpour declined to give the Daily Beast reporter  on-the-record reactions to Weller’s account.

So basically it’s a he said she said account of who said and to whom they said it and their reactions to what Weller wrote that they said so that she could sell her book based on that one opening line I used which was, “I wonder who she blew this time to get it.”

Which, would have been a huge seller had this story been about Linda Lovelace or Monica Lewinsky if THEY both had been network TV news anchors and Katie used that line.

mmmmmmm

Tonight on CBS News……the answer to Katie’s question along with how I got this anchor job

Just sayin.’

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“What Type Of Men Most Women Prefer According To Science.” REALLY!!!!!!

scientist1

Once again those pesky scientists who have nothing better to do than screw with our minds, have come up with some new conclusions about life.

Like, why is it we scientists are spending waaaay too much time trying to figure out life when they don’t actually have one because they’re too busy trying to figure out  WTF life is all about.

So what is it THIS time that they’re trying to confuse the f**k outta us normal human beings?

Well, this was the focus of their latest study in their lab out in Transylvania as reported by Igor aide Dana Dovey for “Science Tech.”

What Type Of Men Most Women Prefer, According To Science

mmmmm

All the people who think if that’s the best you could create you are either a bad scientist or need a pair of freakin’ glasses

Ok, so being the curious type, I wanted to see just what these scientists think what type of men women prefer. As well as giving you men who do not have a relationship with a woman a heads up on how to attract a woman. Other than flashing $100 dollar bills around and yelling out, “Take me…I’m yours.”

Which works on many occasions.

To set the stage here, this is how Dana’s article explains all this. (the article excerpts are in quotes)

“Why is it that some guys seem to get all the girls while others struggle to snag a single date? It’s not their fault; women are hardwired to go for a certain type of guy. This explains why the “cool guy” stereotype remains more or less unchanged generation after generation. So, according to science, who are these men who are capable of effortlessly wooing women? The answer may be more obvious than you think.”

“Hardwired?” Should we like be carrying  jumper cables perhaps?

Hold on baybee, I'll be hardwired in jusssssst a sec

Hold on baybee, I’ll be hardwired in jusssssst a sec

“Men Who Drive Fast Cars”

“Researchers in Austria found that women may subconsciously change their perception of a man based on the type of car that he drives. Instinctively, women prefer a dominant and powerful mate and will often associate a man’s character or status with the type of car he chooses. More powerful cars, such as a Mustang or sports car, translate as a more powerful man — a characteristic women subconsciously look for in a mate.”

So, basically if you’re a really hot looking guy but you’re tooling around in a 1989 Buick Riviera because your mother loves Buicks and refuses to let you trade it in, guess who you’re going to be living with as a single guy the rest of your freakin’ life pal.

mmmmm

And when you’re finished fire up the Buick, we’re going to bingo tonight

“Men With Hairy Faces But Smooth Bodies”

“When it comes to facial hair, studies have shown the more hair, the better. An Australian study found that women prefer men with heavy stubble over clean-shaven men and men with a full beard.”

This apparently, in my opinion, is why you tend to see so many advertisements for Gillette razors on TV and all those razor coupons in your Sunday paper. Gillette knows that if word gets out that women prefer men with hairy faces, their sales are gonna plummet.

This also explains why that very hairy Sasquatch creature you see on those “Jack Links” beef  jerky commercials has received over 500 thousand marriage proposals in the past year.

Yeah baybeeee....I'm real hot

Yeah baybeeee….I’m real hot

“Men With Deep Breathy Voice Who Holds Off On The Compliments”

“Women can’t explain it, there’s just something about a deep breathy voice that makes us weak in the knees. According to a British study, women prefer men with deeper voices because it’s subconsciously perceived as a sign of masculinity.”

So, as I understand all of this so far, you have to drive a hot muscle car, don’t bother shaving at all, and have a very deep voice so that women will be attracted to you.

Boy, am I screwed. Frankie Valli too.

Geez….how much worse can this all get? Is there anything else we should know that might at least give some us men an edge?

mmmm

Yes….never use that old “What’s your sign” line. It’s as old as Adam & Eve

WAIT!!!

“While women may not like men who initially come off as too nice, a separate study showed that over the long haul, ladies love a man who can make them laugh. Science has found that female brains are more perceptive to positive feelings in response to laughter.”

Hmmmm. Ok, I can handle this one. Do not be too nice but make em laugh.

Sooooo, If you’re really not a nice guy BUT ya can make women laugh, you got it nailed.

“Hey bitch! Get me a freakin beer and a bag of Doritos during game half-time here. Will ya move your butt for cripes sake!!! Oh yeah…..here’s my impression of you waddling into the kitchen to fetch me that stuff.”

“Oh honeeee…..you’re soooooo funny.”

mmmmm

Ha, ha, ha, ha ha…………

OR…….

” Frankie honey, does this dress make me look like a fat cow?”

“FAT! Holy Cow! Fat! Hey, YOU said the word “COW” didn’t ya….so whaddya think I think?”

“Oh there ya go again sweetie…..just a barrel of laughs……Gawd I love you sooooo much with your sense of humor.”

mmmmmmm

Frankie’s last words

Now here’s the complete downer for me, and I’m sure a lot of other guys. What do women like most in a guy? Here it is…………

“Above All, Tall Men”

“The stereotype has been recognized across geographic and cultural boundaries. There’s just something about tall men that women find irresistible. Unfortunately, this infatuation with tall men often leads to a denial of shorter men. A 2008 study of 382 college students found that only four percent of women would be in a relationship with someone who was shorter than them, Medical Daily reported. The reasoning for this, according to Dr. Pepper Schwartz, a sociology professor at the University of Washington, is because: “Women’s cultural vision is being feminine, having a man big enough to make her feel protected.”

Screw you pal. At least "I" got into this class photo

Screw you pal. At least “I” got into this class photo

WTF! Short guys can’t protect women?  Have you EVER been attacked by a short circus clown?

Those SOB’s can be verrrry vicious ya know. And armed with pies and stuff. So that “tall men” theory is a bunch of bunk as far as I’m concerned.

Not to mention that us short guys can run like motherf**kers if a situation arose where we had to beat feet in a hurry. Like if we were walking down the street with a woman and some thugs attacked us. Boy could “I” run like hell.

Um…..wait. I forgot we’re supposed to be protecting women in that instance. Damn!

Ok…ok…..I’ll cut tall guys some slack there, BUT, other than those Kenyon’s who always win those marathon races I’ll betcha most tall guys can’t run worth a damn.

mmmmm

Oops….sorry sir….I just came back from lunch with my girlfriend who’s very tall

AND….take this into consideration ladies. What would you rather have standing up for your honor in a situation where you’re confronted by a thug……..a tall guy that can’t run or a short guy that is about even with the proximity of a perps balls and can cause some severe damage. So there!

So, all in all, it’s about driving a fast hot car, having a smooth body but a hairy face, a deep breathy voice and being very tall.

Hmmmm. So what would this “perfect” guy look like?

mmmmmmmm

Tall deep voiced hairy Sasquatch driving a hot car with a woman ogling over him who’s quite funny and doesn’t live with his mother

Just sayin.’

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HEY Burger King!!! I Got Two Words For Ya. F**K You!

Flipping BK the flipping fry finger

Giving BK the flipping fry finger

Am I pissed off today. You bet your chicken fries I am bunky.

Why? Because, Burger F**king King wants to buy Tim Horton’s of Canada so that they can claim they’re a Canadian company and not have to pay taxes here in the U.S.

Not that THEY aren’t the only ones screwing Uncle Sam and his wife Auntie Sam, but to be so blatant about it and then have the hamburgers…um…sorry….balls to deny that’s the reason really pisses me off.

mmmmm

Ya want a donutburger with that?

So…am I pissed off? You bet your onion rings I am. Um, throw in a shake with that while you’re at it.

Now I personally love Burger King. The food, not the King himself. He seems kind of a weirdo if ya ask me. Who the hell walks around wearing those type of clothes today. And those tights. Franky I think he and Ronald McDonald should link up. Both ARE kinda weird.

Hey! I told ya they were weird.

Hey! I told ya they were weird.

So, in corporate terms, what does this actually mean?

No...I'm just collecting until I move to Canada

No…I’m just collecting until I move to Canada

(The explanation in corporation gobbledygook) (source:”www.forbes.com”)

“In an unexpected and interesting move, Burger King is in talks to buy Canadian coffee-and-doughnut chain Tim Horton’s Inc., a merger that would be structured as a “tax inversion” which would effectively move Burger King’s headquarters to Canada.”

“The really interesting part to the story however is not the fact that an American burger giant is buying up a Canadian national treasure (Wendy’s has previously owned Tim Horton’s for some time), but rather that Canadian corporate tax rates are favorable relative to American corporate tax rates enough to justify a “tax inversion”. A tax inversion occurs when an American company merges with a foreign one and, in the process, reincorporates abroad, effectively entering the foreign country’s tax domicile. An American company that merges with a Canadian target company for share consideration can avoid U.S. residency for tax purposes as long as the shareholders of the Canadian target end up owning at least 20% of the shares of the new parent immediately after the after the acquisition.”

So ungobbledygooking all this for ya…….screw you United States, we’re gonna be a Canadian company and na na na na na na. IRS and the rest of you lowly taxpayers who have to pay taxes, heh, heh, heh.

Or, in other words…………….bk5

After all, as that famous philosopher Mitt Romney once said, “Corporations. (Burger King) are people too. And, as people, hey, they should be allowed to avoid paying taxes too.”

Cept when WE avoid paying taxes the only options we have are 1. Moving to Canada too and renouncing our U.S. citizenship. 2. Going to the slammer for not paying our taxes. Or, 3. death. Unless we own Burger King.

Now I personally have been a customer of Burger King since day one. Which was December 4, 1954. Which is the date the first Burger King opened in Miami, Florida. Unfortunately because it was in Florida and I was in Rhode Island, technically I wasn’t a customer then, but, um, if I were in Florida in 1954 I would have been. Just a minor point there.

AND….after all those years of loyalty to Burger King and….and…..um….how do I put it…um…..and…..

mmmm

Yeah THAT!

But my point here is that I feel betrayed. Like….like……a lover that’s been jilted.

YES! Jilted.

It’s like I have the feeling I’ve been used. (sob)

Speaking of being used……………………

mmm

Maybe you should move to England and join the Queen

All these years I’ve been forking over my hard-earned cash to scarf down a Whopper, onion rings and a coffee and have been a loyal customer, (sniff) and now they toss me aside and move to Canada so they can avoid paying higher taxes here. Bastards.

I’m sorry…….that last comment should be, “motherf**kers.”

So, their basic philosophy is, “Hey you wonderful American Burger King customers. Come on in and continue to enjoy all our food, it’s really inexpensive, even with the taxes you pay at the checkout, which we don’t have to pay, but you do, (suckers) and we’ll enjoy all those profits we make from you as we give you the flying finger from across the border. Cause we ain’t payin’ no stinkin’ high taxes like you jerks.”

Oh….by the way, if ya happen to spot some Canadian geese in the U.S. send em back home.

mmmmm

Translation: WTF!

“Tax inversion.” Ya gotta love that phrase.

“Hey Burger King………I’m bending over……..inversion THIS!!!!”

I’m sorry…….but it pisses me off that corporations, “who are people too” get all the freakin’ breaks while we ordinary slugs get taxed for everything. Trust me, if farting were taxable they’d do it.

Um, actually they do. If ya buy one of those funny whoopee cushions that make fart sounds ya get taxed on it. Soooo…….technically you ARE getting taxed for farting….or simulated farting. Go figure.

Like I just said......

Like I just said……go figure

So starting today, if not sooner, I am boycotting Burger King and I suggest you do as well. Unless you don’t mind contributing to a sleazy corporation who’s moving to Canada to get a lower tax rate. Or you’re addicted to Whoppers and chicken fries. Or you have a thing for the weird Burger King guy. Whatever.

I’m switching my allegiance to McDonald’s and Wendy’s from this point on.

I Pledge Allegiance to McDonald’s and Wendy’s
who pay corporate taxes in the United States of America
and also to the Republic
for which they stand,
one Nation under hamburgers and fries,
indivisible,
with liberty, justice, shakes, and coffee for all

Ok……I feel much better now.

Oh yeah……….hey Burger King……………………bk15

Just sayin.’

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