Why Marriages Fail: Um……..from being married?

Tammy Wynette’s idea for her hit song

The greatest thing about the World Wide Web is that anyone can find out about anything in less than 5 seconds. Whereas, years ago, before the web, most of us were stupid and remained stupid because we were too lazy to read anything so that we could learn new things.

Or get answers to burning questions, like why is it the fruit fly closely resembles our DNA. Or that we are closely related to worms. Not that “I” give a rats ass about why, but, just in case I did.

However you might care if you’re in a bar and a worm tries to hit on you

That said, one of those burning questions that always seems to come up is why marriages fall apart. Other than “the other woman” or “the other man” factor.

I just “relish” the thought of leaving you

So here on the World Wide Web today “The Huffington Post” is about to enlighten all of us as to just what causes marriages to fall apart. In fact, they’ve broken it down to 11 main reasons.

And, of course, as a public service, I felt it my civic duty to look at these 11 reasons and hopefully enlighten all of you.

(comments from that article are in quotations)

“On Tuesday, divorced men on Reddit shared the moment they realized their relationship didn’t stand a chance. See some of the most interesting responses below.”

Like about that $1,000,000 insurance policy I took out on him last week just before he went missing

“1. When he got tired of her outbursts.”
“I had a car accident. Lost my job. I was still depressed about family member passing away. My wife decides she really wants a gold watch that costs $999. I tell her I can’t afford to spend money on something like that in our current situation. She shuts herself in the bathroom to cry. That was the first time I didn’t react to that tactics. She comes out few hours later and asks me outright if I want a divorce. That wasn’t even on my mind until that point, but that was the moment I knew.”

Ya see, if the guy had simply bought her that gold watch she wouldn’t have shut herself in the bathroom and come out “hours” later. Obviously she had no concept of time which is why she spent hours in the bathroom. A nice Rolex could have prevented this divorce. Along with that guy pooping in his damn pants.

Well ya should’ve bought me that watch ya freakin’ tightwad

“2. When the trust was gone. “
“It was when I caught myself photographing street signs on my 25-minute journey home from work so that there would be a timestamp of the entire route to disprove constant accusations that I was cheating on her… After that, I just left.”

Obviously this guy had a street sign fetish and his wife was right.

“3. When his wife became a glorified roommate.”
“The last year together we felt more like roommates than lovers. She stopped being interested in spending time with me, we stopped showering together and began sleeping at opposite times. She was generally unhappy all of the time. I really wanted to salvage the marriage, but I knew it was over when she finally told me that she just didn’t love me.”

As I see it here, this woman possibly just wanted to be able to for once in her freakin’ life take a shower alone for cripes sake.

Now how the f**k do we get outta here?

“4. When the math didn’t add up.”
“Came home from a seven-month deployment overseas to find a five-month pregnant wife. I’m no mathematician but I figured that one out.”

But dear, didn’t you see that star rise in the East?

Also a great excuse to go out and really splurge on that mother of all calculators you always wanted to buy.

So…..whos’ counting?

“5. When he was suffering from depression and she laughed it off.”
“I was telling her about how depressed and hopeless I was feeling. I described it partially as an existential crisis. She laughed at me. She literally laughed in my face regarding my pain. That was the day I realized I didn’t really matter to her.”

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha……..um….oops….sorry.

Um, well, er, perhaps you should have just smacked the freakin’ hell outta her and said something like, “Look bitch, if you don’t stop laughing I’m gonna get even more depressed, and if that happens, I’m going to just divorce your sorry ass. Yeah that’s it, divorce your butt. Um, hey! I’m not depressed anymore…….ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.”

“6. When he realized she didn’t believe in his dreams.”
“Five years ago, I told her I wanted to get out of the military and study to become a doctor. She’s a scientist but she acted like it was the most ridiculous thing I could ever try to do. Her exact words were, ‘You can’t just decide to be a doctor.’

Should have brought up the fact that doctor Frankenstein also just decided to be a doctor. Then drag her off to your lab and experiment with her by trying out new brains in her head. I have a friend Igor that may be able to help you out on that.

Took him for every tooth and nail

“7. When he disagreed with her on how they’d raise their future children.”
“When my wife stated that any children we had would be homeschooled by her (she never graduated high school) and weren’t going to get vaccinations. This was non-negotiable.”

Hey, I nver gradutaed from high schol eider and it wokd out fine fer me. What the hell is yer beef ?

“8. When he became indifferent to the cheating.”
“The precise moment was a few months ago when her long and frequent infidelities stopped making me furious. ”

As I recall the precise moment was 11pm Tuesday night when I came home and found her in bed with  Ronald McDonald, that Burger King guy, and some woman dressed up like Wendy. The stench of hamburgers was just too much for me to take.

“9. When he decided to put his daughter first.”
“My second wife and I got along great, but over time the relationship she had with my daughter from a previous marriage got worse and worse. I tried not to blame her; she just wasn’t ready to be a mom to someone else’s child.”

Which is why you should always have children before you’re married thereby negating that “previous marriage” argument. Hey. If you weren’t married when ya had a kid……no argument. Seems logical to me.

OR…..just skip the marriage deal, stay single and make a lotta big bucks

“10. When he realized that having hobbies of his own was off-limits.”
“My ex and I were watching ‘Knocked Up.’ It came to the scene where the wife is tracking the husband down to catch him while he was ‘cheating.’ Turns out, he had just snuck off to go to a baseball draft. My ex turned to me and said, ‘See how terrible and selfish he is for sneaking around like that?’ I looked at her and said, ‘See how terrible she is for oppressing his hobbies and dreams so much that he has to resort to sneaking around in order to enjoy them?’

In this instance I tend to agree with the wife. If her husband was so stupid to rent that “Knocked Up” move then he deserved exactly what he got. Had he rented “Mr and Mrs Smith” with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie they might have both killed each other and all of us wouldn’t be subjected to listening to both of them whine.

The Mr. & Mrs. Jones divorce cake

And FINALLY……(cripes….is this EVER gonna end)

“11. When he had the commute from hell and she didn’t care.”
“I had to work late one dark winter night, missed my regular train, took a loooong bus and had to walk home a couple of miles from the bus stop in the freezing cold. She couldn’t be bothered to come pick me up because she didn’t want to leave her yoga class early.”

So the guy eventually called a cab, got home five hours later, was totally pissed off, strangled the bejesus outta her, and wrapped her cold dead body in a yoga mat and threw her in the dumpster out in the freezing cold.

And lived happily ever after.

See……there are happy endings.

Um…yes I am…..divorce granted…..meet ya outside

Just sayin.’

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