English Guy Says He’s Fathered An Alien Child. We’re Not Talkin’ Aliens From Another Country Here.

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Can we blame this on Obamacare?

Look, I didn’t fall off of the banana truck yesterday ya know. I’ll admit I’m a great one for some conspiracy theories and stuff, mainly the JFK, RFK and MLK Assassinations, and most recently, the TWA Flight 800 revelations. BUT….I draw the line when it comes to aliens.

As in this story about a guy who claims he had sex with an alien and fathered a child.

Simon Parkes, (why is that writing this story about a guy fathering an alien child I immediately think of “Simple Simon?”) Sorry, got lost there for a moment.

Anyhow, this guy Simon Parkes, (53) from Whitby, England who is a member of the town council in Northern England, as if THAT gives him any credibility, says he fathered an alien child.

Um, is marijuana legal over there in England?

First of all let me clarify this a bit. I DO believe that aliens exist from other planets, including a few here on earth from Texas and Arizona. However, that said, I’m not gonna fall for this guy’s story that he fathered an alien child by having sexual relations with an alien that visits him four times a year.

Totally unbelievable.

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Then again…if all alien women look like this…..beam me up Scotty

First of all, if an alien were going to have sexual relations with an earthling and bear a child, which would then make the alien child an official bona-fide English citizen, why wouldn’t the mother, or whatever you call an alien woman, stick around rather than only visit this guy four times a year. Surely the mother would wanna stick around to watch the kid, or whatever, grow up.

Unless gas prices for alien space crafts are way higher than they are here on Earth. Then, that would explain why she only visits him four times a year.

WAIT!  Oh, I see. This explains it all. The guy is freakin’ married. Sooooo, he was having an affair with an alien while he was married. Makes sense to me. That obviously explains why the alien mom did not stick around.

OR………..

He’s married to a really dumb ass woman who actually bought his story that he had an affair with an alien and the kid IS an alien.

Are you SURE marijuana is NOT legal in England?

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But mommy….we didn’t even visit daddy!

Ok….there’s more.

Simon, or should we simply call him “Simple Simon,” says that many people think he’s crazy.

Geez Simon, I can’t for the life of me imagine why.

And he goes on to say that even though he’s a member of the Labor Party and sits on the council in Whitby on the Yorkshire coast, his beliefs do not affect his work for his constituents.  Hmmm……the guy is a freakin’ loony toon and his constituents obviously don’t give a rats ass.

I’m tellin ya…..marijuana is definitely legal in England.

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Yeah….and it sure as hell ain’t to have sex with Simon

This gets better.

He’s appearing in an English documentary entitled, “Confessions of an Alien Abductee.” Possibly subtitled: “How I Snookered My Wife Into Believing The Kid I Brought Home Was From Making Out With An Alien.”

Now follow this guys quote here, because I sure as hell can’t: “What will happen is that we will hold hands and I will say “I’m ready,” and then the technology I don’t understand will take us up to a craft orbiting the Earth. My wife found out about it and was very unhappy, clearly. That caused a few problems, but it is not on a human level, so I don’t see it as wrong.”

HUH?

Soooo let me see if I grasp this. Simon says he’s just hangin’ around the house minding his own business holding hands, (no clue as to whose hands he’s holding) when all of a sudden this spacecraft is hovering over his house and he has a sudden desire to have sex with the alien pilot, who just happens to be a hot looking alien woman, who by the way, he calls, “The Cat Queen,” and then fathers a child, then tells his wife it’s from having an affair with that alien woman.

Ok….sounds like something any woman whose husband has an affair would buy. Not to mention, but I will, to add credibility to his story, that he also claims that his mother was an alien too.

(checking legality of marijuana in England)

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And if you’re a woman, Simon’s house is just down the road

Wrapping up his interview, he went on to say, “There are plenty of people in my position who don’t choose to come out and say it because they are terrified it will destroy their careers.”

Geez Simon. What ever gave you that idea?

It’s a perfectly normal everyday occurrence that guys claim they’ve fathered a child by having sex with an alien. Especially in those border states of Texas, Arizona and New Mexico where I’m sure a few border control officers come across some hot illegal alien woman, sneak off into the sagebrush, and boh-dee-oh-doh. THEN, nine months later when that hot babe comes knockin’ on that guys door bearing a child, has to explain to his wife that he had sex with an alien.

SEE…….perfectly believable.

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Not wanting to jeopardize his job, border control agent Marvin installed an alarm device situated in his bedroom that sat right on the Texas/Mexican border

Unfortunately Simon is NOT a border control agent, as for one, there are no borders except water in England for aliens to cross over. Just an ocean.

His story may have been much more believable had he simply said he had sex with a dolphin.

I know, it sounds kinda fishy. But, much more believable.

Just sayin.’

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First of all, let us tell you about our wild fling we had with this guy named Simon.

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“Men’s Wearhouse Guy Fired.” Board of directors guaranteed it.

George Zimmer, the voice and head honcho at “Men’s Wearhouse” was canned by the board of directors on Wednesday. Most likely because he never learned how to spell the word “Warehouse” and it was embarrassing for the company.

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Oops…tooooo late.

Actually, no reason was given for his termination other than a hint they might wanna find someone who appeals to the younger crowd. Because, as we all know, older people do not buy clothing. And, considering Zimmer is freakin’ old, (65) and is still wearing leisure suits and Nehru jackets, when he says that line in those Men’s Wearhouse commercials that “You’re gonna like the way you look….I guarantee it,” perhaps his guarantees ran out.

(UPDATE: 6/25/13) Men’s Wearhouse has finally explained why it fired executive chairman George Zimmer last week, depicting the founder as power-hungry in his desire to sell the company to private investors.

“Mr. Zimmer reversed his long-standing position against taking the company private by arguing for a sale of the Men’s Wearhouse to an investment group,” the company’s board of directors wrote Tuesday in a statement it made public.

You know how it is. You buy something with a guarantee, nothing goes wrong for the duration of the guarantee, and ONE day after the guarantee expires, SHAZAM!……it stops working, or, in the case of Men’s Wearhouse suits, moths eat it.

So, Zimmer is out of a job. And probably out of some really neat suits that he was guaranteed as head of the company. I guarantee that.

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So this guy Zimmer guaranteed me I’d look great in this suit he sold me and the rest is history

So what implications does all this have?

Obviously it means, considering Zimmer has been head of the company since 1985, that all spokesmen and CEO’s of company’s are in danger of getting the ol hook. All in the name of attracting younger buyers.

So, this led me to think, which is usually an effort, just who else in the same position as Zimmer may have their jobs in jeopardy. My first thought was Colonel Sanders of “Kentucky Fried Chicken,” but, he’s no longer with us. Lucky for him. I’m sure he, like some of his chickens, would have gotten the axe sooner or later.

But, there are others I fear may be next. Here’s a list of a few spokespeople who may soon find themselves in the unemployment line.

First on the list is Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth. Yeah sure, I know, they’ve been around for years pushing those fattening pancakes and stuff. Not good for the younger generation on diets and into fitness routines. Let’s get with it CEOs. Fire them old broads and get with the program. Somebody a lot younger is needed. I suggest Serena Williams should replace Aunt Jemima because she’s really hot looking, is in great shape, and has the balls to entice anyone to eat pancakes and buy pancake syrup.

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And then throw it in the oven you bastard!

As for Mrs. Butterworth. She’ll be competing with Serena, so just to make it a fair competition I suggest Serena’s sister Venus as Mrs. Butterworth’s replacement. Only because she has just as many balls as Serena to take her on.

Next on my list is Ernie Keebler that leprechaun spokesman for “Keebler Cookies.” Come  on folks. Really! A short little leprechaun that lives in a tree crawling with all kinds of bugs is pitching us cookies that we’re supposed to believe are sanitary! Would YOU eat any cookies if ya found them in a tree? I say sack the short guy and go with someone who at least can project trustworthy sanitary cookie manufacturing conditions. Say like Madonna.

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Why you should never trust an elf who bakes cookies in a tree

Hey….Madonna may not be your first choice for pushing sanitary conditions, but with a name like “Madonna” you know she’d never dare lie to you about how sanitary Keebler cookies are. Would YOU question ANYONE named Madonna? Sacrilegious if ya ask me.

Then there’s “Chiquita Banana.” First of all Chiquita has got to be as old as dirt. And, keeping that in mind, just how long do ya think a banana lasts before it begins to turn. Two days tops. Then bring on the fruit flies. Today’s generation needs a banana spokesman that can make ya forget the short shelf life of a banana. Make you want to go out and buy several dozen bananas.

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Exclusive photo of Chiquita Banana’s last visit to her doctor

There’s only one person for that job.

That would be Fifi La Chartreuse, (photo below) that will not only entice you to buy tons of bananas, but also share some tips with you on how to enjoy them in other novel ways. Peanut butter an option.

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Bananaologist Fifi La Chartreuse

http://youtu.be/2WgXcEK_3pI

The Republican and Democratic partys also need to give the deep six to those stupid elephant and donkey symbols. WTF! What the hell do two silly looking animals have to do with political partys anyhow? Get real politicians. Most Americans today think you’re all a bunch of do nothing ass wipes anyhow, so why not make a few bucks promoting your political affiliation by promoting “Preparation H Wipes” while you’re at it. Red wipes for Republicans and blue ones for Democrats.

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“Well thanks Harvey. Marya here is a Republican and I’m a Democrat but we’re both wipes users.”

Alfred E. Neuman has been the mascot of “Mad Magazine” since I was a mere child eons ago. His famous saying, “What…Me Worry.” It’s time Alfred retired. Now I personally think I’d be the perfect candidate to replace him. Only because of my blog header, “DILLIGARA,” which is more up to date than Alfred’s. Besides, all those years of Alfred not worrying may have taken a toll on him as he appears to be on some serious tranquilizers from not worrying, then realizing he really should have been worrying.

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Start worrying kid

Mad Magazine…..give me a call.

Of course I could go on and on with a long list of spokesmen for products whose time has come to exit for one reason or another. Age, believability, honesty, and truth in advertising.

But, you get the point. Perhaps Zimmer had to go. We’ll see if the new spokesman for Gentlemen’s Wearhouse will appeal to the younger generation, or if it backfires on them.

But, one more final candidate on my list that definitely needs to go South.

Duke the spokesdog for “Bush’s Beans.” Yes, I know animal and dog lovers, why pick on the dog? Why! Because he’s a freakin’ dog for one, and for two, he’s a blabbermouth and will eventually sell off the secret to making Bush’s Beans. Not only that, but how believable is it that a dog eats beans?

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Further proof that Duke can’t keep the Bush Bean family secret

So, my tip for Mr. Bush, (not Dubya) is to get a new pet that obviously everyone will believe eats beans and can pitch the product. My suggestion. Wilber. Yes, Wilber the pig from “Charlotte’s Web” fame. Pigs eat anything and everything so it would be completely believable that Wilber could sell Bush’s Beans.

Besides, everybody knows ham and beans go great together.

Just sayin.’

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Mobster Says, “Hey! I’m Really A Nice Guy Ya Know.”

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James Bulger’s  “Winter Hill Gang,” (Not to be confused with “Spanky and Our Gang,” from another part of Boston.)

By now you’ve all heard about the trial of famous mobster and senior citizen Whitey Bulger, leader of the notorious “Winter Hill Gang” that’s going on in a Boston courtroom as we speak…or as I write. And, if you all love movies like the “Godfather,” and “Goodfellas,” you’re just gonna love all the stuff that comes out in this trial.

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Because all seniors look-alike in California. Florida too. Which may account for that long search for Whitey.

Considering one movie has also been based on Whitey’s escapades, “The Departed,” I’d be willing to bet ya that after this is all said and done, there will be yet another movie in the making. Perhaps entitled, “Much More Departed,” as we might learn of “more departed” people who have been “departed” for some time thanks to Whitey and his “departed” line of work.

But I found it interesting that a former enforcer of Bulger’s, John Martorano, who admitted to killing 20 people while a member of Whitey’s gang and is now testifying against Bulger, said that he’s really a “nice guy” and was only trying to help out his family and friends when he pumped bullets into victims.

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An actual greeter at a Wal-Mart who could possibly pass as a Mafia hit man.

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Mafia hit man John Martorano, who’s really a nice guy and looks nothing like the guy above. John could possibly pass for a greeter at a Wal-Mart.

NICE GUY!

WHAT! Did he like take them out to dinner, give them a few expensive cigars, talk about old times, and then say to them……….

“Hey Guido, I’m really a nice guy and ya know I kinda like youse but I gotta shoot the livin’ crap outta you, but, um, don’t take it personal, cause, as I said, I like you, and because I’m really a nice guy, I’m gonna just shoot you with one bullet rather than the usual method of shooting you with all 12 rounds I have here in my gun….and only because I like you and, as I said, because I’m a nice guy.”

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Lenny suddenly realized he may be sleeping with the fishes

Yep, John is kinda upset that he’s being portrayed as a bad guy for killing those 20 people. After all, he said that he only killed people who threatened his family, or if they threatened to tell authorities about the gang’s illegal activities. Cripes, doesn’t EVERYBODY do that when someone threatens their family? So what’s the big deal?mafia 4

He’s also quite upset that he’s being portrayed as a serial killer. I can’t say that I blame him on that particular point.

John says that “serial murderers kill for fun. They like it.” You know, like going out on the town at night and having nothing to do, so they just knock off a few people. On the other hand, he said, “I don’t like it. I never did.”

Which is understandable. Nobody likes serial killers because, as children, we all grew up eating various kinds of cereals and to envision someone knocking off “Tony the Tiger” or “Snap, Crackle and Pop” just for the fun of it is kinda repulsive.

I did read about one of those incidents many years ago as a child and it just scared the bejesus outta me. The headline read, ” Man found dead in bathtub covered in milk with Frosted Flakes spread all over his body. Police think it was a cereal killing.”

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Also the same method used by the Alaskan Mafia

Now Martorano stated that he was really hurt, (my word) after learning about Bulger and Stephen “The Rifleman” Flemmi had been working as FBI informants. (Flemmi did NOT star in the TV series the “Rifleman”)

“Yeah, I wuz really upset when I learnt dat those two guys were rats for da FBI. Which is why I’m gonna turn informant too for the FBI and rat on dem guys. I just don’t wanna be left out…ya know….rats of a feather stick together.”

So let me see if I understand this correctly. Martorano was upset because Whitey and Flemmi had been working as FBI informants, but, NOW he’s a FBI informant. Soooo, what other mobster still out there in hiding is now gonna get all upset because he finds out EVERYBODY was probably an informant and rat out on the other informants.

Kinda confusing.

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And besides that, we only paid them gangsters minimum wage for cripes sake!

During his entire testimony on the witness stand Martorano kept insisting that he was a “nice guy.” Apparently because he doesn’t want people reading about his testimony to think that he’s a bad guy and all. You know, like how some people would get the impression that knocking off 20 people makes you some sort of bad guy.

So, pressing the fact that he wasn’t really a bad guy, but a nice guy, because, as I stated earlier he said, “I only knocked off people who hurt or threatened my family,” then I guess we should cut him some slack here. And besides that, he said that he always tried to help people he was close to, either by giving them money or in other ways.

“Hey Louie…..I’ma gonna help youse cause I think youse is a really nicea guy.”

“Geez John, dats really nica of youse. I thought because I told Sammy da “Snake” Frappanzolli dat youse was doin’ his goilfriend dat youse was gonna be upset wid me.”

“Nah, no bigga deal Louie. She turned out to be as cold as da fishes swimmin’ in Boston Harbah so I dumped her ass.”

“Oh, good for youse John. I woulda done da same thing. Sorry I ratted on ya.”

“Noooo problem Louie. So, because youse saved me from makin’ a bad decision by possibly marryin’ dat skank, ahm gonna do ya a favor.”

“Oh yeah! Geez, tanks John. Whatcha gonna do for me?”

“Well Louie, da good news is dat ahm gonna finally make youse a “made man” justa like Joe Pesci in dat movie “Casino” where he played Nicki Santoro.”

“Hey, neat, Um……wait a second John. Um, didn’t they pop Joe Pesci ina da back of da head wid a freakin’ baseball bat for being a stupid ratfink in dat movie?”

“Yeah, yer right Louie. But because I really like you we’re not gonna pop youse in da back of the head. Dats da good news.”

“Geesh, tanks John…..I was worried dere for a second. Sooooo, wat’s da bad news?”

“Not to worry Louie. Youse is gonna sleep wid Sammy da Snake’s girlfriend in Boston Harbah, which I might add, is rather nice this time of the year…heh heh heh.”

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Ok…Ok….but please don’t whack me with that baseball bat. It’s a Ted Williams collectible.

So, all in all it’s rather comforting to know that a lot of Mafia hit men are really not bad guys at all. Some of them really nice guys, such as John Martorano, who for one was NOT a cereal killer….um…..sorry, “serial” killer, leant money to his family and friends, and did a lot of nice things……which is why, after killing 20 people and making a deal with the FBI, only served 12 years in prison after cutting a deal with prosecutors to testify against Bulger.

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Social Media hit men catch up with the times and join Twitter

“Soooo Mr. Martorano, how many years did they give ya for knockin’ off 20 people?”

“Ah, it was a walk in the park. I only got 12 years in the slammer. How bout youse. What’d ya do and how long ya in for?”

“Cripes. I got caught smokin’ weed and they gave me 50 years hard labor.”

So ya see. Crime does pay. If…….you’re a really nice guy.

Just sayin.’

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FINALLY! The Purrfect Candidate.

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Purrrrlease vote for meeeoww…..amigos.

I’ve always said that if animals could run for office we’d be a lot better off considering the present animals we have in office can’t be tamed. Or trained to use a litter box or poop in the woods. Although I wouldn’t put it past some politicians to attempt that just to get votes.

But in Mexico they’ve done just that. Listed animals on the ballots to run for office. As one voter puts it with reference to a candidate running for mayor named “Morris,” (a cat) “He sleeps almost all day and does nothing, and that fits the profile of a politician.”

And I would add to that by stating that most cats are visible 24/7/365 while most of the human candidates in my area during an election are invisible 24/7/365. And don’t even know how to use a litter box.

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Obviously a candidate for the Guinness Book of World records

Morris, a black-and-white kitten with orange eyes, is running for mayor of Xalapa in eastern Mexico with a really neat campaign slogan. “Tired of Voting For Rats? Vote For A Cat.” Kinda catchy don’t ya think. Unless you’re a rat and registered to vote.

And people in Mexico are taking this serious. In fact, Morris has gone full hog, or mouse on his campaign with T-Shirts, campaign stickers, and even has his own web site, Twitter account and a Catface page……um….sorry, that should read, “Facebook” page with over 115,000 likes. More than even ol Misfit here gets. Go figure.

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Yeah, you’re right. But he is kinda cute and speaks both German and Mexican.

But Morris isn’t the only animal to run for office. Others include, “Chon the Donkey,” in Ciudad Juarez,who’s slogan could be, “Don’t be an ass. Vote for one instead.”

Then there’s “Tina the Chicken,”  in Tepic. Who I guess could promise not to lay any controversial eggs while in office.

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Tina’s campaign slogan

And “Maya the Cat,” in the city of Puebla. Who could really use a play on words and say, “Vote for Maya for Mayor.” Just a thought there.

Finally, there’s ” Tintan the Dog,” in Oaxaca City. Because you know that dogs, not to be upstaged by cats, also have to get a piece of the action. Campaign motto: “A fire hydrant on every corner.”

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It was shortly thereafter when the National Enquirer reported this scandal that Tintan dropped out of the race

Just as in America, in Mexico politicians rank at the bottom of polls. A survey last year ranked Mexican’s trust in 15 institutions and politicians along with government officials among the bottom five. Mexican jumping beans coming in ahead of them.

Xalapa, the town where Morris is running for mayor, has been beleaguered by drug violence, corruption, scandals and the killings of at least nine reporters and photojournalists. I guess the residents figure if they elect a cat as mayor the chance of him getting involved in violence, corruption, scandals and getting knocked off are kinda slim. Who in their right mind, besides a dog, would want to put a contract out on a cat.

And as far as corruption, scandals and violence, there’s no way any cat is going to get nailed on those charges. Cripes, they sleep 18 hours a day as it is. Who has the time? Unlike real politicians who sleep 4 hours a day and spend the rest of their time getting involved in violence, corruption, scandals and spending time with bimbos.

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However there are a few bad apples

Now if you think that Morris doesn’t stand a mouse’s chance in a cat house, (cat house being a house full of cats and NOT the other type of cat house that real politicians frequent) you’d be mistaken. As I mentioned earlier, Morris has 115,000 likes of Facebook, while his closest contender, Americo Zuniga, (not a cat) only has 33,000 Facebook likes.

So what does that tell ya?  It tells ya that people are into pussy. Sorry…..people might take that wrong. I should have said that people are into cats. Simple slip of the keyboard there folks.

Now this campaign with Morris as the candidate is really upsetting politicians to the point that they are asking voters not to waste their votes on a cat. Which I think might tend to be  borderline discrimination if ya think about it. Cats may be animals but they deserve the same rights as anyone running for office as far as I’m concerned.

Quoting that famous American politician once again, (Mitt Romney) “Cats are people too.”

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The Mexican Dog Party was not to happy with Romney’s support of cats remarks

Electoral Institute President Carolina Viveros said that, “We are asking for people to participate by voting for those citizens registered on the ballots. Everything else is apart of expression happening in social media and I respect that, but you have to vote for the registered candidates, please.”

Meaning of course that she most likely will challenge the final outcome if Morris wins the Mayoral seat on the grounds that he was not an official registered candidate. Flimsy defense if ya ask me.

Why? Because in the Alaskan town of Talkeetna, Stubbs the cat has been the honorary mayor for more than 15 years. And he has thrown his support behind Morris the cat by posting his fellow feline candidate’s spot campaign on his own Facebook page. So if it’s good for Alaska, it should be good for Mexico.

WAIT!!!!

Alaska!!!  Elections!!!! OMG!!!! Could it be that the anointed one returns?

YES………………….

Shes

She’s baaaaaaaaack!!!!

My suggestion for Morris would be to enlist the help and support of Sarah Palin along with Stubbs the cat. Two famous pussys are better than one. (sorry, couldn’t help myself)

Stubbs could go on the campaign trail with Morris and generate support for his campaign.

While Sarah could play it real safe, not open her mouth and say anything really silly, which she has on occasion done, and simply do what she does best when campaigning.

Meow for the cameras, and when opponents challenge her candidate, Morris, scratch and claw the bejesus outta them.

Like she’s done in the past and will continue to do so now that she’s back with Fox News.

Just sayin.’

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A “Prairie Home Companion.” In Connecticut….Sorry….no prairies.

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Ah the old prairie refrain: “Give me a home, where the buffalo roam, and I’ll show you a messy house.”

Yes, life on the ol prairie. As my Funk & Wagnell’s dictionary of words and definitions you could give a rat’s ass about defines:

prai·rie
(prâr)

n.

An extensive area of flat or rolling, predominantly treeless grassland, especially the large tract or plain of central North America.

Which also describes most of the lawn area in my front yard. Treeless, rolling and dead.

But, that said, I’m writing about prairies today after listening to Garrision Keillor’s “Prairie Home Companion” program on NPR.prairie1

It’s such a nice folksy program with all sorts of entertaining folksy stuff like stories of “Lake Wobegon.”  The adventures of “Guy Noir,” private detective.

As well as Keillor often poking fun at central Minnesota’s large Scandinavian-American and German-American communities. Which may account for the bounty on his head in those communities.

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Garrison Keillor falls on hard times after his  “Prairie Home Companion” show is cancelled

So I wondered how a Prairie Home Companion program would fare here in New England. Minus the prairie, buffalos, and where the deer and the antelopes play. BUT….where there is always heard, a discouragingly word at least every day. Somewhat like, “Hey ya freakin’ jerk, ya took up two parkin’ spaces you idiot!”

Or if there were any folksy type stories like Garrison tells on his program.

(The MisfitWisdom version of “Rural Home Companion”)

Yep, ol Mildred Smirdornsky at the Lake Reekoswamp fire department weekly bingo after a confrontation with Helen Crasner and had to be transported to a local hospital. Horace Greenswerg, the Chief of the Lake Reekoswamp Volunteer Fire Department and Septic Service said that Ms. Smirdornsky had to be sedated on the way to Our Lady of Agony Hospital after screaming at paramedics that, “That bitch Helen better not try to steal my freakin’ bingo card!”bingo1

Meanwhile, down at the country store on Main Street, Elmer Flattsner entertained the locals with his recollections of patriotic battles he had fought in the very first year the local casino opened and there were only 75 slot machines and he had to fight off several old ladies and one guy driving a scooter in order to get one of those machines. Elmer proudly displays many of his casino battle scars incurred by being beaten by a number of canes and oxygen tanks.

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Photo of Elmer’s attacker as caught on casino video surveillance cameras shortly before one of those attacks.

Harvey Dieffenberg, the local resident part-time police officer and animal control officer as well as pest exterminator, recalled the time he stopped Elma Zaplowsky driving on the sidewalk at the local feed store in her 1982 Oldsmobile Cutlass thinking it was a Burger King drive thru and wound up with two bags of wild bird seed and a forsythia bush. In the nick of time Harvey caught her just as she was about to pour catsup on the bird seed and mistaking the forsythia leaves as lettuce.oldlady-driver-sm

Down at the local dog pound Horace Fifner was attempting to convince Bertha Rosnowski from the Termite Heights section of town that the perfect companion for her was a stray coyote that he had caught just last week. Unable to convince anyone else to adopt the coyote, because, obviously no one wants to adopt a coyote, he named it Fido and attempted to pass it off as a dog. Bertha, falling for the “Fido” ploy adopted the coyote and hasn’t been seen or heard from since.

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The last known photo taken outside of Bertha’s house

The town’s only private detective, Frebus Glockner, was in the midst of an investigation as to who was responsible for the theft of several rubber cow brassieres from the Melvin Cow Farm just up the road from the town balloon factory. Considering the balloon factory holds the exclusive contract to supply the town with parade balloons and that there is a shortage of balloon material available, the factory is a prime suspect in this case. The local house of ill repute had previously been cleared of any involvement due to the fact that rubber gloves, although in appearance resemble condoms, are not really user-friendly. Presently authorities are centering their investigation on a local bovine strip club.cow_cartoon

And that’s life in a small New England town folks. Where all he residents are really clueless. The men are couch potato slugs. The women all have constant headaches. And although there are no deer and antelopes playing, and the skys are usually cloudy all day, and you always hear an awful lot of discouraging words, it beats living out there on the prairie with all kinds of snakes, bugs, and various animals ready to eat your ass.

Take THAT Garrison Keillor.

Just sayin.”

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“Cremation.” Subtitled: Is It Hot In Here, Or Is It Just Me.

Many people ask me why I subscribe to “Time Magazine.” The simple answer is because every so often, when it’s a slow news week, they decide to write an article on a “burning” issue that affects us all. In this instance, (Time 6/24/13) the burning issue is NOT burning copies of their old issues, but of cremation, which is a really burning issue that does concern all of us.

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In my case it would be empty cans of “Fancy Feast.”

Like death and taxes, ya just can’t escape it. So, what to do? Obviously pay your taxes or wind up in the slammer and eventually buy the farm, at which point someone has to decide what to do with your sorry ass. Either dump you into a six-foot hole, cover you with dirt, and say adios. OR…..avoid all that messy dirt stuff and just cremate your sorry ass.

So Time explores this option, (cremation) in an extensive article, which I read with great interest, because, like many Americans, I too have decided that I want to be cremated rather than have my own sorry ass dumped into the ground.

First of all let me state that I hate dark cramped places. Hence it kinda freaks me out that I’d be in a box six feet under the ground where it’s very dark. Not that I’d know I was there, but jussssst in case somebody screws up and I really wasn’t dead but on a really great high from smoking some really good weed. Ya never know.

So, that said, I figure getting zapped in a furnace was my best option. It’s over with quick plus it’s warm and cozy. I hate the cold.crem 6

According to Time’s research, the “Cremation Association of North America,” (CANA) which I assume holds their annual meetings surrounded by a bunch of fireplaces just for the ambiance, says that Americans chose cremation over burial by 24% in 1998. That number has now hit 42.2% as of 2011. So my thinking is, “Hey, go with the flow……or flame.”

Now for those of you who are presently reading this blog and saying to yourselves, “Yuk,” keep in mind that cremation is a very clean process in deference to having your remains dumped into a box, put into the ground, and have all those creatures living beneath the ground yell out, “Lunch time!.”

Now I’ve personally witnessed an actual cremation. I know what you’re thinking. How in the world can ya watch a cremation without getting cremated yourself. Good question.

Well, there’s this little peephole you can peer through to watch the actual process. Considering that the heat inside of the furnace reaches somewhere between 1,800 degrees you would NOT want to actually be in the same room with the dearly departed. So it’s best you peep through that tiny peephole.

Again you’re saying to yourselves, “Yuk,” as you envision watching your beloved resemble a hamburger or hotdog on a barbecue grill. Not to worry. All you ever get to see is the remains of the combustible coffin engulfed in flames because the flames are so intense everything is burned to a bacon crisp in just a short amount of time. All that’s left are ashes and a few bones which you still do not get to see, unless you ask to see the final results of the cookout later.

They did have a problem once according to Time’s article, when a 440 pound woman, obviously way overweight, caught fire, which is not unusual considering she was being cremated, but, it got way outta hand….and foot….and other body parts. The crematory’s air filters got clogged and it almost destroyed the entire facility. But not to worry. Since then most crematories have modified their facilities to hold up to individuals weighing up to 1,000 pounds.

(Note: If you’re one of these people who presently weighs over 1,000 pounds do NOT gain any more weight)crem1

The neatest thing about being cremated is that with the popularity of the process it has created a new after market…..so to speak. YES….you can still contribute to the well being of the economy after you’ve died. How? By having your ashes placed in some really neat containers, commonly referred to in the funeral industry as urns.

Front and center comes Mike Nicodemus, who is the vice president of “Hollomon-Brown Funeral Home and Crematory” in Virginia. Mike can make you some deals you simply can’t refuse. Such as offering you a really great selection of urns to place your dearly departed’s remains in. If, of course, you want them to “remain” with you in one way or another…..or shape.

For instance. Ol Mike has a selection of the following urns to place your departed’s ashes in. Besides just throwing them in your fireplace and saying, “What the hell.”crem 5

Wind chimes. Yes, you can have ashes made into a wind chime so that whenever those wind chimes chime you can remember your loved one. And, if you and your loved one used to argue a lot, you can always have the last word by yelling out on a windy day when those chimes are chiming, “Shut the f**k up Harry.”

Baseball themed urns. Which is actually my favorite. (see Red Sox Urn below) However, it would be my luck to have some kid stroll by the house, spot that urn shaped like a baseball, steal it, and then find myself being slammed for a home run into some vacant lot. Might have to reconsider that option.urn

You can also choose to become an artificial reef by having your ashes dumped into the ocean as did some guy named “Big Al” did off of Pensacola Beach, Florida. Al is presently growing into coral as well as soft sponges. Considering he was an avid Harley-Davidson bike rider and his widow Susan still is around, she could perhaps harvest a few sponges when the time is ripe, take them home, and wash ol Al’s Harley with Al himself. Quite fitting don’t ya think.

I particularly like the touching story in the article of, as Time puts it, “Little Jason Engler.” When he was 12, his grandmother would take him to funeral homes to hang out on weekends. As most grandmothers do. Cripes, didn’t yours?

Eventually little Jason really got into hanging around funeral homes. He’d ride to cemeteries in the flower cars, vacuum the floors after services and would do whatever he could do to get his foot in the door. Why? Because little Jason wanted to become a funeral director. Doesn’t everybody?

Today little Jason, now 33 and no longer little, is the funeral director at the “Rollins Funeral Home” in northwest Arkansas and, I’m assuming, as happy as a cremated lark.

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Which is why you should always use one of those pop-up timers

The article goes on forever and ever, unlike most of us, who will NOT go on forever and ever, and eventually meet Little Jason. So if you want the rest of the details involving cremation including who came up with this idea, costs, urn options, photos, various accessories, like you’d buy for your car, the entire process, (which mentions the word “food-processor) how the church feels about all this, as well a yet a newer way of getting rid of your sorry ass, pick up an issue of Time, for all the hot details.

Finally…..which is a nice choice of words considering this IS about death…..Finally, I thought of a really neat cremation option for someones ashes who may have been a heavy smoker.

A pack of “Dearly Departed” (insert loved ones name here) cigarettes.crem4

Yes! Twenty king sized menthol or regular cigarettes made from your ashes that your loved ones could smoke in honor of your life. Not only do you get to feel and remember your dearly departed loved one, but you could also blow smoke into anyone’s face that he or she disliked.

“Hey ass***e. Ya know that smoke I just blew in yer face.”

“Yeah….what about it?”

“That was George tellin’ ya to go f**k yourself.”

Just sayin.”

http://youtu.be/ca8AkWIhQFg

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What Is It About “Obama” T-Shirts That Make People Want To Expose Themselves In Public?

Sooooo…..I was once again surfing the Internet for something to spark my creative mind, other than a good stiff drink, when I came across this headline:

“COPS: MAN WEARING OBAMA T-SHIRT EXPOSED SELF TO FEMALE WAL-MART SHOPPER.”

(photo below)

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Um….wait a sec….oops…this is NOT the guy the cops are looking for. My bad. This is actually a photo of former Massachusetts Congressman Scott Brown. Sorry. I get things mixed up sometimes when I hear “exposing ones self” and automatically connect it to Congressmen.

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Hey….easy mistake….THIS is the real guy the cops are looking for.

This immediately caught my attention because obviously THIS is a hot breaking scandal. Maybe even more scandalous that Benghazi, the IRS thing, listening to people’s phone calls and the fact that Google and a few other Internet companies may be sharing their information with the government. Maybe even more scandalous than, (gasp) Bill Clinton teaching Monica Lewinsky how to play the Oboe in a White House closet.

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Then again….maybe it wasn’t an oboe

After all, a guy wearing a Obama 2008 T-Shirt and also exposing himself could lead directly to the top. Yep, right to the White House and Obama himself. Because we all know that ANYTHING that is associated with government scandals is all Obama’s fault. Just like EVERYTHING in the Bush White House was Dubya’s fault.

So now this guy walks into a Wal-Mart in Virginia wearing a Obama T-Shirt, whips out his Johnson, (most likely the same as the President has) in front of a woman, and she goes ballistic. Most likely due to the fact that any self-respecting pervert should have enough sense to wear at least a 2013 Obama T-shirt rather than an outdated 2008 T-Shirt.

Which would freak out any Wal-Mart shopper looking for the latest in pervert flashing clothing.

“Hey…if I’m gonna spend my hard-earned money in a Wal-Mart store and I see some guy demonstrating the latest clothing lines and flashing me his doo-dad to get my attention, I at least wanna have current merchandise ya damn jerks!”

Do ya think you’d be interested, or paying ANY attention to ANY guy, or woman who, say for instance, was wearing a Calvin Coolidge T-Shirt!  Well…um….maybe if it was a woman wearing a Calvin Coolidge T-Shirt and was exposing herself.

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The next time I see some damn pervert wearing ANY T-Shirt with his rod hangin’ out, I got a bigger rod for him

Soooo. I then decided to look at the comments following this story just to see how other possible Wal-Mart shoppers may have felt about this guy flashing his Woody whilst wearing a Obama T-Shirt. Because…..we all know that this story would NEVER have even made it to the last page of your community PTA flyer had it not been for the fact that he was wearing a OBAMA T-Shirt.

So, here are some of the comments:

I sense a Congressional Investigation headed by Congressman Darrell Issa (R) California is on the horizon. I would have said that Newt Gingrich might have pressed for an investigation as well, but, considering he’s had his own “Newt” exposed while having an affair while still married, he might just pass on this one.

Now the fact that this idiot had on a Obama T-shirt is the only reason this story ever made it on to the internet in the first place. Do ya think if he was wearing a Mitch McConnell T-Shirt it would get this much attention?

Um….on second thought it just might. Only because who in their right mind would ever wear a T-Shirt with a photo of Mitch McConnell on it. I mean, take a look at this guys face…..would YOU be caught dead wearing this guys face on your chest? OR….the sweater he’s wearing.mitch

Hmmm. I might be wrong on that one. Anyone wearing a Mitch McConnell T-shirt just might make it onto page one and the Internet if they were wearing it and they were caught doing ANYTHING.

I can see it now.

“COPS: WOMAN WEARING MITCH McCONNELL T-SHIRT EXPOSES HERSELF TO HUSBAND IN BEDROOM”

And it would be on page one because her husband would have suffered severe trauma from seeing her half-naked, getting all turned on, and then spotting the T-Shirt, and barfing instead.

The point to all this, if there actually is one, which I haven’t quite figured out yet, but, I’ll take a stab at it anyhow, is that if you’re caught doing anything immoral, stupid or threatening while wearing anything that either has Obama’s photo on it or his name, you’ll get attention all over the Internet and the rest of the media.

It’s as if Obama made you do it.  You know, the ol, “The Devil made me do it,” excuse.

In these instances, “Obama made me do it.”

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Example of a case of:”The Devil Made Me Do it.”

“Sooooo Mr. Zoferndork. Tell the jury in your own words what possessed you to walk into a “Wendy’s” restaurant and whip out your doo dad in front of all those people?”

“Um, well yer honor. It was Obama that made me do it.”

“Hmm. You sayin’ that President Obama made you expose yourself in public.”

“Yep. That’s exactly correct. I was fine until I took off my jacket. Then people started to stare at me, including that little Wendy’s girl on my hamburger wrapper, and all of a sudden a sexual desire hit me like never before in my lifetime. I then realized it was the Obama effect.”

“The Obama effect?’

“Yep. Nobody EVER stared at me before, not even that little Wendy’s logo girl, who I personally think is really hot, and so right then and there I knew it had to be because I was wearing a Obama T-Shirt.”

“Well Mr. Zoferndork……based on the fact that I’ve personally read many stories of this occurring in public while people have committed crimes while wearing a Obama T-Shirt, I have no recourse than to set you free. Obviously you were under the influence of “Obamainitius. You’re free to go.”

So in conclusion folks, if you’re going to commit a crime, expose yourself in public, beat up your dog or cat, or just want attention for doing something really stupid, BUT, don’t wanna get blamed for it, OR just want to associate it with Obama for the hell of it, then wear a Obama T-Shirt. You’ll make the headlines every time.

I personally have several customized “MisfitWisdom” T-Shirts that I wear constantly while making an idiot out of myself. Only because, like that guy wearing the Obama T-Shirt, I want the attention and hope the Internet and other media will notice me and I wind up on page one or at least on the internet.

Do ya think that works?

Nope.

The Official ex

The official “Expose Yourself In Public” MisfitWisdom T-Shirt

BUT….if I were to so much as walk into a Wal-Mart wearing my MW T-Shirt and whip out my Little Dickie you can bet the farm that the only place that story would appear would be in my local newspaper’s police log listings with the heading:

“COPS: ELDERLY PERVERT SUFFERING FROM DEMENTIA FLASHES WAL-MART GREETER.”

Unless, of course I altered my shirt inserting Obama’ photo in place of mine.

Considering that I’m actually NOT gonna do that, (I have an extreme phobia about prison cells and guys named Bruno sharing a cell with me) I’d be happy to send you one of my shirts to wear if you wanna pull some stupid stunt like exposing yourself.

Only because I wanna get some national attention by seeing the headline:

“COPS: WOMAN WEARING MISFITWISDOM T-SHIRT EXPOSED SELF TO MEN SHOPPERS IN WAL-MART.”

I said “woman” only because more people would pay attention to a woman exposing herself rather than some idiot hairy guy doing it.

Just sayn’.

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