I must admit that as a humor writer I tend to subscribe to a lot of off the wall sites because I obviously, on many occasions, find something humorous to write about.
This of course excludes the mainstream media sites, which, on occasion, also gives me something humorous to write about. Like the 2016 election. But, today I am NOT GOING THERE.
Um……ok….just this one time……I promise……
Me either George…..wanna get a cup of tea? Um…ok, meet me in Boston harbor.
Besides, I’m getting low on my tranquilizers so I don’t wanna waste any by going on a political tirade.
Sooooooo, I went with a story from “The Express” from London today by Sean Martin which caught my eye and seems safe to comment on without anyone going ballistic. I think.
This was the headline that got my attention…….only because scientists are a bunch of wild and crazy guys and I love what they spend time on researching.
Here’s the headline………….
“Scientists reveal shock findings from groundbreaking study”
“LIFE after death has been “confirmed” by scientists who have discovered consciousness continues even once a person has died.”
(here are excerpts from this story in quotes with MY comments inserted without quotes and also in parenthesis)
“Scientists say that there is life after death. In a large-scale study of more than 2,000 people, (I’m assuming they were alive when these scientists studied them) British boffins confirmed that thoughts do carry on after the heart stops.” (my last thought would be images of Sofia Vergara or Heidi Klum)
I rest in peace…um…oops….I mean I rest my case
(NOTE: I have no freakin’ idea what the word “boffins” in this article means as it was not in my Funk & Wagnells dictionary of words nobody knows WTF they mean are)
“The shock research has also uncovered the most convincing evidence of an out-of-body experience for a patient declared dead.” (which I myself have had but only after drinking way too much tequila)
“It had been believed the brain stopped all activity 30 seconds after the heart stopped pumping blood around the body, and that with that, awareness ceases too.” (kinda like when you zone out during commercials on TV)
“However, the study from the University of Southampton shows people still experience awareness for up to three minutes after they had been pronounced dead”
(With my luck I’d have a winning lottery ticket in my pocket after my demise, and somebody in the morgue would find it in those first 3 minutes and me, still being aware and most likely hovering over my cold dead body would be pissed as hell)
“Contrary to perception, death is not a specific moment, (yeah, tell that to some poor road kill animal) but a potentially reversible process that occurs after any severe illness or accident causes the heart, lungs and brain to cease functioning.”
(makes sense to me…or in other words…DUH)
“If attempts are made to reverse this process, it is referred to as “cardiac arrest,” however, if these attempts do not succeed it is called “death.” (which doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out)
Now here’s where this “awareness” stuff after you buy the farm comes into play folks.
“”Of the 2,060 patients from Austria, the U.S. and the UK interviewed for the study who had survived cardiac arrest, almost 40 percent said that they recall some form of awareness after being pronounced clinically dead.”
(which to me means that if you happen to unfortunately be, say, out hunting with some guy you hate, and he gets mistaken for an animal by another hunter, and gets shot, and dies but there’s a chance he may only be in cardiac arrest, NEVER say, “Too bad Harry, I told ya not to wear that moose disguise while hunting ya damn jerk.”)
The report adds, “This suggests more people may have mental activity initially but then lose their memories after recovery, either due to the effects of brain injury or sedative drugs on memory recall.”
(um, ok, I guess if they’re brought back after a cardiac arrest after being clinically dead and they don’t remember squat, its ok to say what TF ya want about them)
“Some patients reported an out-of-body experience but just 2 percent said their experience was consistent with the feeling of an outer body experience – where one feels completely aware and can hear and see what’s going on around them after death.”
(which is more good news if you happen to say something bad about the deceased in those few minutes he or she is clinically dead. Like, “Boy was that guy a real a**hole.”)
BUT….yes, there’s always a damn but.
“However, the most significant finding of the study is that of a 57 year-old man who is perhaps the first confirmed outer body experience in a patient.”
(wait for it)
“The man was able to recall with eerie accuracy what was going on around him after he had died temporarily.
(um….scrap that last part about saying something bad about someone if you’re near them when they croak)
Now this particular guy they’re referring to had been floating around in limbo, (my guess….the limbo part) for close to three minutes with no heartbeat.
And the researchers stated, “This is paradoxical, since the brain typically ceases functioning within 2 -30 seconds of the heart stopping and doesn’t resume again until the heart has been restarted.” (using jumper cables I would assume)
“Furthermore, the detailed recollections of visual awareness in this case were consistent with verified events.” (which means a bunch of other scientists were there and said to each other, OMFG!!!!)
Or perhaps, “Hey, this guy is supposed to be dead, is Gawd f**king with us?”
Or, “Hey pal, considering you were clinically dead, and you like were hovering over your body, did ya happen to catch a glimpse of tomorrows lottery number?”
Worth a shot……..can’t hurt.
So, once again scientists are screwing around with our brains to the point that all of us are gonna become paranoid about hovering over our cold dead bodies for a few minutes after we’ve been pronounced dead. Thanks a lot you brainiacs.
As if we don’t have enough to worry about as it is. Now we gotta worry about worrying about WTF is going on during those last few minutes while we’re hovering between life and death.
I would assume 98 percent of those hovering over their bodies and wondering if they’ll be resuscitated or not would be thinking, “Cripes, zap me with that dam defibrillator guys….NOW!!!!!”
Mine, on the other hand, (thinking the same thing) would be, “F**k…..did I ever delete all those porno photos on my computer….DAMN!”
Just a thought there guys.
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