As we slowly slither out of an agonizing (political conventions) month of July it may be the month of August and some interesting days to celebrate to bring you back to sanity. Or not.
First a few monthly celebrations jusssst in case you want to spend the entire month celebrating because you have no life whatsoever.
August is “Admit You’re Happy Month.” If you’re not, f**king lie.
It’s also “National Catfish Month” as well.
No you idiot, it’s NOT remembering baseball Player Catfish Hunter.
Also this entire month is “National Golf Month.” Come to think about it, if you ask ANY golfer, every month should be “National Golf Month.”
Now for the daily celebrations. August 2nd is “National Ice Cream Sandwich Day.” So whip out the ice cream, get two slices of bread and make yourself a nice sandwich.
“National Watermelon Day” is celebrated on the 3rd. Oh joy. I can hardly contain my excitement.
Which brings to mind my favorite Coast Guard joke……..
A husband and wife are sitting in their living room when the phone rings.
The wife yells out, “I’ll get it dear.”
But before his wife can get to the phone her husband picks it up and answers the call.
“Hello…………Huh……….. What………….how the hell should I know, why don’t ya call the Coast Guard for cripes sakes.” And hangs up the phone.
Kinda sheepishly the wife asks her husband, “Um, who was that dear?”
He replies, “Ahhhh, some jerk wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
“Work Like A Dog Day” is on August 5th. It’s ok to pee on a fire hydrant today.
“International Forgiveness Day” we celebrate on August 7th. You can use this day to forgive those you’re totally pissed off at. Unless you’re REALLY pissed off, can’t bring it upon yourself to forgive them, and rather wait until someone comes up with ‘Tell Someone To Go F**K Off Day”
Then there’s my motto when it comes to forgiveness…….
Because zucchinis really do not get the respect they so deserve, and some zucchinis go off the deep end, you can spread the word around about just how great zucchinis are by celebrating on the 8th, “Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Day.”
For all of you book lovers, or, at least those of you who actually remember what books are, August 9th is “Book Lovers Day.’
(Ah so…..if you can’t read Chinese……..toooooooo bad)
My favorite day this month by far is on August 11th. “Presidential Joke Day.”
(you KNEW where I was going with this one)
The 14th or 15th, (either one) is “V J Day.” Not to be confused with “V8 Day” when people celebrate remembering that they could have had a V8 drink.
“National Tell A Joke Day” is on August 16th. But to me,the best joke will be years from now when all the women who jumped on the tattoo bandwagon when they were young play this game below:
The 20th is “National Radio Day.” This day is special to me because it reminds me that when I started out in radio broadcasting back in the early 60’s you had to 1. Have a great voice. 2. Have talent. 3. Love rock and roll music.
Unlike today when 1. You need not have a great voice but….(refer to #2) 2. You need no great voice or talent, just be obnoxious and use a lot of sexual innuendos. 3. Still call yourselves disc jockeys even though you have no clue what a vinyl disc is compared to a flash drive or music app.
The 21st is “Senior Citizens Day.” Also known as “Gimmie My Freakin’ Senior Discount Day.”
August 22nd is “National Tooth Fairy Day.” Honor the Tooth Fairy on this day or I’ll knock yer freakin’ teeth out pal.
And after she got the hook…………………………………
For those of you into history and remember when the town of Pompeii was covered in volcanic ash from Mt. Vesuvius erupting, well on August 24th you can celebrate “Vesuvius Day.” Perhaps fire up your charcoal grill with some charcoal while you’re at the beach and accidentally tip it over onto little Johnny’s sand castle village. Good way to add some realism to the story you tell him afterwards about Pompeii and Mt. Vesuvius. Ya think?
The 26th is “National Dog Day.” I personally do not celebrate this day as we own cats. BUT, along with cartoonist Mark Parisi, (Off The Mark) I think the cartoon below expresses the same sentiments for both dog and cat lovers.
As I mentioned just a few short blogs ago, the word “because” is implanted in every woman’s brain as the only response to any question a male asks. So, you knew there would eventually be a day honoring that. YES……August 27th is “Just Because Day.” Obviously thought of by a very demented woman.
Finally, Frankenstein gets some respect. August 30th is “Frankenstein Day.” Good time to use that old line from Mel Brook’s movie “Young Frankenstein” when Dr. Frankenstein discovers his creation comes to life and yells out, “IT’S ALIVE!!!!! IT’S ALIVE!!!” shortly after you take a Viagra pill.
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