*Today’s MisfitWisdom blog is a reprise from January 31, 2010.
I dug this one out of my MisfitWisdom archives after giving much thought to the upcoming presidential election which is a mere five months away, which, seems like a title from that movie, “From here To Eternity.”
And if you’re like me, after being subjected to endless Trumpisms, (my word) in which he self promotes himself day after day, you just wanna smack him, or an innocent fruit to vent your frustrations out on.
And……considering in my own demented opinion, The Donald is not what I would call presidential material, nor would I want his hand, or hairpiece dangling over the nuclear button, I began to realize that with my sordid background I too could possibly run for president of the Yew United States.
Which is why I chose to reprise today’s blog.
(The blog from 2010)
It’s come to my attention that I could actually seek a political office. Say, um, a member of the local Town Council, or Governor, State Senator, and maybe, the Presidency! YES! After all, I have many of the same qualifications that most politicians do. I actually think I’d be a shoe in. (where did that phrase “shoe in” come from anyhow?) Never mind.
Look folks, I’m breathing. Which is qualification number one. I sometimes say a lot of stupid insensitive things. Qualification number two. I’m totally inexperienced. Qualification number three. (Hey,….it worked for Scott Brown, Sarah Palin and now Donald Trump)
I once posed nude for a woman’s magazine. Qualification number four. Yeah, I know, those nude pics of me haven’t surfaced yet but sure as hell if I ran for office they’d be on the front page of the National Enquirer.
I might add, as a footnote here, that those nude photographs of me were taken when I was a very young radio disc jockey striving for publicity. At that time I had no intention of running for political office so I didn’t give a rat’s ass. However, in light of former Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown’s nude photographs in Cosmo, I think if the photos do surface, I’m pretty safe here. Then again, I’m not from Massachusetts.
In 2009 U.S. Representative William Jefferson from Louisiana was charged with 11 to 16 counts of bribery after Federal agents discovered $90,000 in his home freezer. I’ve been known to hide a few bucks under some cube steak in my freezer for a rainy day lest my wife discover it and spend it on something foolish, say like food or something.
Then there’s Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, (Gesundheit) who in 2008 was charged of conspiring to get financial benefits through his authority to appoint a U.S. Senator to fill Obama’s Senate seat. I once used my authority as a limo driver to cut into a funeral procession so as not to lose any time buying a lottery ticket before the number was drawn.
Former presidential candidate John Edwards was all over the news because he had an affair with another woman and fathered a child with her. I can’t say that I ever fathered a child with another woman while I was married, but I did have a Beagle once that broke into my neighbor’s basement and had sex with his Beagle and fathered 6 more Beagles. Where the hell was the National Enquirer then?
One of my favorite examples or how I know I could run for office is Senator Larry Craig of Idaho. He’s the one who pleaded guilty of misdemeanor charges stemming from complaints of lewd conduct in a men’s room. Remember that one? The ol tapping the shoe in the stall routine and pass the toilet paper honey. I think I ran out of toilet paper once at a local casino and had to bang on the stall wall for assistance. I don’t recall making lewd advances at the attendant when he gave me a new roll, but he did look at me kind of strangely when I was covering my private parts.
Of course we all know the Bill Clinton story. Yes, good ol Monica Lewinsky who just happened to save her dress that had an implicating stain on it. (checking my closet to see if I managed to save any stains from years past…………….nope………….S**T! ) But I do have a stain on my old limo outfit when I was driving down the interstate and some $#@#!! cut me off and everything spilled all over my clothes. I suppose I could claim that I was having sex at the time which might qualify me for a Congressional seat. Just a thought.
Senator Mark Foley of Florida resigned his Congressional seat after it was discovered that he sent sexually charged electronic messages to boys working as Congressional pages. Somewhere out there are sexually charged messages I sent to little Gloria Fernswick in high school, which she may or may not have saved, and if I ran for office, they too might surface. (gotta locate Gloria and pay her the hell off)
Finally, there’s good old you don’t have Richard (Watergate) Nixon to kick around anymore. My idol when it comes to my chances for running for office regardless of whatever the hell I ever did in life.
Anyhow, Nixon actually solidifies my chance for running for President. Just like his connection to the Watergate break in, I have a connection to a break in as well. A number of times I have locked myself out of my car and have had to actually break in to gain access. I know what you’re thinking. It’s not the same thing. OK, OK, I get it, but as far as I’m concerned it’s a break in. (entering that fact into my political resume)
Finally, with my political resume complete here, all I need to do is pattern myself after another famous offender, whom I can most likely get the public to relate to, and, with the electorate longing for the good ol days and vote for me based on their love for that past candidate. Let’s see……um………..George Washington……….nah. His only claim to fame was the great cherry tree caper.
Lincoln! …………….nope,…..he was waaaay too honest. We all know there’s no such thing as an honest politician.
AH HA! BUSH! Hmmmmm, no, too many lewd jokes about his name that can be tied in to Playboy Magazine body part references.
I Got It! Oregon Senator Bob Packwood. Remember him? Yeah! He was accused of groping, kissing and propositoning women for sex. Geez, I’ve done that. Well, um, not propositioning other women for sex, but I have propositioned my other half. Even groped her and on many occasions, kissed her. I think I’m a shoe in. I definitely have all of the qualifications needed.
Now that I’m finished listing my qualifications, it’s time to head out on the campaign trail.
“Honey! I’ll make the meatloaf for dinner if I can grope you, make sexually suggestive remarks, and possibly insert part A into part B later on. I’ll try not to stain any clothing. By the way, here’s five bucks to keep quiet.”
I can see it all now. “DICK FOR PRESIDENT”
Hmmmmmmmmm,…..maybe I’d be better off using Richard.
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