The ultimate blood chilling scream uttered by a woman who spots a spider anywhere within her immediate area…..saaaaay like on the outside of my truck windshield and the size of a damn raisin. Surely a major threat to ANY woman.
Anyhow, the scene went like this.
Got into my truck and she, (my other half) spots this innocent spider walking across the windshield and immediately went into the panic stage. Lest the spider make it all the way across the windshield and into her side window and commit an act of aggression.
I quickly informed her that the aforementioned spider was the size of a an oversized ant and was in fact, rather cute, being somewhat of a beige color, (slightly lighter than Donald Trump’s hair) and almost transparent. I, being of the mindset that all creatures are Gawds creations and as long as they don’t bother me, in a threatening manner of course, I let them be.
Besides, we were leaving and I figured at some point this spider would simply bail out once I got on the highway and the wind whisked him, or her, (hard to tell) away.
So we’re driving down the Interstate and this spider curls himself up into a little ball and is holding on to the windshield for dear life. I mean, I’m doing 65 MPH here folks and this little thing is defying the freakin’ odds of survival. WTF!
So, I’m watching the highway, then the spider, then the highway, then the spider, and that’s how it went the entire trip. The little guy held on for a total distance of about 12 miles until we got to our next destination.
When I finally parked the truck she sez to me, “Geez, he’s miles from home. He’ll never get back to his family.”
This coming from the woman who less than 15 minutes ago wanted me to pulverize the spider. Go figure. NOW she has compassion.
So we park in this store parking lot and the spider relaxes and begins to walk across the windshield once again, yes, far from home, wherever that was, and we get outta the truck, me slowly while watching the spider, and her 20 feet away yelling, “Is He Gone?”
“Yes dear…..he’s gone.
Actually he wasn’t but I didn’t wanna tell her that. Otherwise I’d have to go through spider panic once again on the way out of the store if I told her it was still there. BUT….I figured if we took our time shopping, any spider who just went through a harrowing ordeal of holding onto a windshield with 65 MPH gusts of wind screaming over his body would have enough sense to get the hell outta there fast.
I was right….it was gone when we got back into the truck, much to her relief, and mine, but she still kept her window closed all the way home.
And I’m thinking to myself……………..
Now, I’m also thinking to myself, “How the hell can a spider do that? Hold on for all that distance and not fall off.
So, I researched spiders and found out. Along with some other interesting facts.
First, besides the obvious references to “Spiderman,” our other famous spiders include “Charlotte” of “Charlotte’s Web” and of course that infamous spider that “Little Miss Muffet” encountered while sitting on a tuffet and eating her curds and whey. Whatever the hell that is.
You remember the nursery rhyme….something like, “Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey,
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her, and said,
Whats in the pot bitch?”
Or something like that.
Actually, Miss Muffet was the daughter of Dr. Thomas Muffet, who created that nursery rhyme and who believed that spiders had healing powers when eaten. Which is also the reason not many people who knew Dr. Moffett would accept any invitations to have dinner with him at his house.
The weight of insects eaten by spiders every year is greater than the entire weight of the human population. And that’s without spiders eating any Twinkies.
It usually takes a spider more than 3 hours to construct a web. Not good if you’re a spider making minimum wage.
Spiders silk, on an equal weight basis, is twice as strong as steel. Which makes ya wonder why they don’t make automobiles out of spider’s silk. Probably not cost-effective considering the number of spiders Detroit would have to hire.
A jumping spider can jump 25 times its own body length. A fact that did not sit very well when I told that to my other half.
Now for the, “How the hell did that spider hang on to my truck windshield part.” Pay attention here. Ya never know when this is gonna pop up in a conversation at a party.
There are hairs on a spiders feet that are kinda sticky. Their called “setules” and each spider has 624,000 of them on their feet. Kinda like Velcro. If ya wanna get technical and really impress your friends, there are 2.1 million per square millimeters in size.
(NOTE – Do not bring this up in a conversation if you are trying to score points with some babe in a bar) Just sayin.’
So, there ya have it. All the facts ya need to know about spiders.
Seeeeee, nothing to be afraid of. Unless you happen to live with a woman who’s freaked out over spiders, which, to me, is worse than having a spider walk across my windshield.
Ummmm, maybeeee not.
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