First of all, to make my point, remember, women are as devious as cats………….
Ok……the beat goes on. Women’s devious plot to drive men crazy continues. No wonder we men drop like flys while women collect our life insurance policies and control the TV remote for the rest of their lives.
I’ve been closely monitoring how my other half totally ignores the important stuff in life, like sex, and um, sex and er…sex…and um……I guess that’s it. And instead directs her attention to totally inane things that no normal guy would EVER get bent outta shape about.
So let me begin with my current list. Pay attention here guys, all these episodes can and will drive ya nuts….or to an early grave.
Sooooooo, like every other “normal” human being on the planet I use bar soap. One in the shower and one in the bathroom sink.
Now, the shower bar gets used a lot more and wears down to the size of a potato chip at which point my other half transfers it to the bathroom sink and mates it with other former shower bars that are too small to use in the shower, but, when mated with the other slivers, work fine in the sink. Waste not, want not…I suppose.
However, once in a while those bar slivers separate, slither down the drain hole and eventually, due to the hot water running, disappear never to be heard from again.
Now here’s where the nutso woman plot comes into play.
Sometimes on rare occasions that sliver doesn’t disappear so I just leave it in the drain figuring at some point it will.
“OMFG! You left a sliver of bar soap in the drain! WTF is wrong with you?”
Now considering logic, I sez, “It’ll melt away dear. So why should I stick my hand down a drain to get a useless sliver of soap! Besides, who in their right mind would worry about something so trivial as THAT!!!”
Her reply: “I’m just sayin.”
Now my driveway sits on a very busy road. So, (logic again) when there’s no oncoming traffic approaching I cross over to the opposite lane close to my driveway and back in. Which panics my other half to no end.
Soooooo, to eliminate this constant state of panic I decided to pull in the normal way, then at the top of my driveway pull onto a part of my yard that has no actual lawn but is covered in acorns, pine cones and pine needles. Then back up and face forward. Problem solved.
Until one day, (4 months later) she sez, “You’re ruining the grass.” (pine cones, acorns and needles)
So, back to backing into the driveway facing traffic. A lose lose situation.
To which I say to her, “Sooooo, whaddya want me to do.”
Like I just said, a lose lose situation.
Now women live for this one. Like when men do all the schlepping of stuff like trudging out to the front yard to get the morning paper or throwing bread crumbs out to the birds in the backyard and ya come back in with, (Gawd forbid) a pine needle stuck to your shoe and deposit it on the kitchen or living room floor.
Yes……once again…”OMFG! Look at THAT! You dragged in a pine needle for cripes sake. I just swiffered this floor yesterday!”
Yes folks, the crime of the century. “Antiswifferititus.”
Now these are just a few in recent days. Not to mention, but I will anyhow, the other grievious offenses we men make.
Leaving (Gawd forbid again) the toilet seat up. Starting the dishwasher before it is filled to capacity. Putting a small cooking pan on a large burner on the stove. Which I think is a state law prohibiting that act. Not being able to understand everything a woman sez to you if you’re in another room with the TV on and she’s talking to you. Placing the toilet paper roll on the wrong way. (also punishable by state law)
AND………after all our years together STILL asking me if I want catsup on my freakin’ hotdog. THAT alone has cut my life expectancy by at least 10 years.
So, how do ya stop this stuff before you just snap, grab the chainsaw and go bonkers, or you have the big one some day.
Maybe lowering the payout on our insurance polices might do the trick.
Worth a shot.
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