Yes folks, jacking off , in this instance, means we are about to get “jacked off” by the makers of Cracker Jacks. And it ain’t gonna feel good.
Why you ask? Well I’ll tell ya. No more stinkin’ free toys inside of those Cracker Jacks boxes. Bastards.
There goes another childhood staple down the old tubes. Bastards.
So what are they gonna give us instead?
Oh Joy…….a scannable code that will let all of us with devices that scan to be able to partake in a baseball-themed experience on our smartphones or tablets. According to an article on “The Patch.”
So what TF does this mean? It means if you’re a freakin’ dinosaur and refuse to keep purchasing electronic devices because your old flip phone works perfectly and you could give a rats ass about wether your phone is smart or dumb as long as you can say “hello, how are ya, and goodbye,” you’re basically f**ked if ya want your damn toy and not some inane option to scan and play a damn game. Bastards.
As the article stated in The Patch…….
“It was bad enough when Cracker Jack replaced the original toys and charms with cheap stickers or temporary tattoos, but now the “prize” is nothing more than an invitation to download an app. While they’re at it, why not give the sailor on the Cracker Jack box some skinny jeans, a tank top and a fedora?”
Or a sex change……..
And they explain it further for us dummies who don’t have a clue.
“The codes will take users to a “mobile experience” with four different activities — Dot Dash, Dance Cam, Get Carded and Baseball Star — according to the press release. Essentially these are iPhone games, where users can dance like they’re on a fake Jumbotron, participate in a fake Dot Race and make fake baseball cards.”
Ya know…on occasion I still buy a box of Cracker Jacks and could give a flying f**k if there was a prize inside or not. BUT…that said, which I just colorfully said, I actually still felt a bit of nostalgia when I found that cheapo prize in that box of Cracker Jacks.
AND…furthermore and forsooth, WTF is going on with corporations these days?
First, and this was verrrrrry traumatic to me, Playboy Magazine drops nudity. (where actual “jacking off” came into play not involving Cracker Jacks, um…unless you were REALLY weird)
Now Cracker Jacks drops its toys. WTF! Is nothing sacred?
So much for ogling nudes in Playboy while eating Cracker Jacks…or…..jacking off….or both.
And this comment from the cracked management at Cracker Jacks to ease our pain.
“We are a brand that authentically reminds people of simpler times, childhood memories and family experiences,” Lewis said. “With this redesign and new mobile game experience, the Cracker Jack brand embraces a modernized, young-at-heart attitude while keeping that treasured feeling of childhood wistfulness.”
Um…..let me see if I understand this corporate speak. “A brand that authentically reminds people of simpler times, childhood memories and family experiences.”
Scanning a code in a Cracker Jack box is gonna remind me of simpler times, childhood memories and family experiences? REALLY!
Wanna know what MY simpler times and childhood memories were. NOT SCANNING A FREAKIN’ CODE IN A CRACKER JACK BOX YOU DUMB ASSES.
I pulled the toy outta the box, (no scan required) ate the Cracker Jacks, (no scan required) shared them with my girlfriend, (no scan required) then went home, headed to my room, whipped out my ripped off copy of Playboy Magazine, (no scan required) and jacked off, (no Cracker Jacks involved)
NOW….NOW…..no more stinkin’ cheapo toy and no nudity in Playboy Magazine.
WTF is next?
Television consisting of nothing but reality shows?
Oh…wait…….I forgot……..Donald Trump and the race for 2016 Republican nomination.
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