WTF Is This Addiction To Freakin’ Mulch?

Where and how we get mulch

Where and how we get mulch

First of all, as always, I have to clarify what exactly “mulch” is considering many of my blog followers may not have a damn clue as to what mulch is. Sometimes ya have to make things perfectly clear.

noun: mulch
  1. 1.
    a material (such as decaying leaves, bark, or compost) spread around or over a plant to enrich or insulate the soil.

I’m assuming the second word spelled below “mulch” in the definition above that looks like “melch” would be the Jewish version. Just guessing of course.


This is where that other similiar Jewish word comes into play…”mensch.” A man of honor doing his part for the mulch movement…even though he sucks at math

Soooooooooooo. Mulch is decaying leaves, bark or compost. Which one, including myself, can venture out to my backyard and find in abundance.

To which I would then say, to myself, “Who TF would drive to a Lowes or Home Depot and spend all kinds of cash to buy 20 to 30, (if not more) bags of decaying leaves, bark or compost?”

Hey! Drive over to my house and I’ll rake my freakin’ leaves into trash bags along with my coffee grounds, banana peels etc. and throw it in yer trunk. AND…..I’ll give it to you for NOTHING!!! Such a deal.

But noooooo. Every Spring hordes of home owners, landscapers and people burying bodies in their backyards flock to those home improvement and hardware stores and hand over gazillions of dollars to buy bagged mulch. Go figure.

Um....just make sure you buy enough mulch

Um….just make sure you buy enough mulch

My thinking, considering I just explained to you that mulch is actually free if you save your garbage and compost it or save your leaves, is that perhaps those people are just buying it for the bags mulch comes in, or they’re just plain nuts..or stupid, or both.

OR…..most of them are the 1% that we all so love, (the filthy rich) and they either have no leaves in their yards, or, if they do, pay someone to get rid of their leaves, (secret agents from Lowes and Home Depot who sell it back to them as mulch) and they never have any garbage to compost cause they eat out all the time.

Unlike us normal slugs who have tons of leaves which we have to rake up every Fall and find a place to get rid of them. Like myself who, in the middle of the night, loads up my Dodge Ram with all those leaves, slowly slithers out to my local Interstate highway, pulls the tarp off of the truck bed covering the leaves, then gets back on the Interstate and hits a speed of 75mph and amazingly those leaves miraculously disappear. Works for me.

And that other stuff, you know, the coffee grounds, banana peels, egg shells, etc. Well I’m not gonna compost, cause I hate bugs, which love compost piles, along with those scary looking 45 legged worms, and whatever else eats that stuff. Gives me the freakin’ willies.mulch11

So I DO my patriotic duty and bag that stuff in kitchen trash bags and once every two weeks haul it off to the town dump.

I wouldn’t even do that considering I could easily ditch all that in the backyard as well with those leaves but my other half loves, for some reason, going to the town dump. It’s a woman thing I guess. Kinda like the same reason women like broccoli, spinach, and all that other leafy stuff only women and rabbits eat but us men hate.

Anyhow, this mulch thing has me completely baffled. I mean, it’s not like it’s some rare commodity ya have to mine in West Virginia. It’s not like we have to import it from foreign countries like oil. It’s in our backyards for cripe sakes. WTF!!!

Why would ya buy that stuff? Other than trying to make your yard look beautiful.

Ok...that explains part of it

Ok…that explains part of it

AND…on top of all that, how come ya have to buy it every year of your life? Yeah, go find mulch that you spent big bucks on after a big nor’easter or a Winter when high winds and snow buries all your mulch. Clue……your snowblower loves snow….and mulch that’s been blown around your yard all Winter long.

(Spring) Ohhhhh, look how bautiful our yard looks honeeee.

(Spring) Ohhhhh, look how beautiful our yard looks honeeee. (woman)


(Winter) Um, what was it you were saying out our yard looking beautiful.....honeeeee. (male)

(Winter) Um, what was it you were saying out our yard looking beautiful…..honeeeee. (male)

Not to mention that various animals love to make nests outta that stuff. AND, they get it for free you damn idiots.

So, do I buy mulch? Sadly, the answer to that would be (sigh) yes.

#!@%#!@ Spring

#!@%#!@ Spring

And if there was a logical way of getting outta having to mulch, I would in a heartbeat.

One can only hope.....

One can only hope…..

BUT… my defense I cave into my other half’s demand that we buy mulch to (cough) make the yard beautimous. Ignoring the fact that grass refuses to grow in our yard, BUT, I guess she thinks the mulch will hide that fact. Women logic.

Finally, (thank Gawd) I also want to point out that mulch comes in a variety of flavors…um…sorry, I meant colors, which are red, black and brown. Guess this derives from where they get mulch from, or various garbage from compost piles. My guess anyhow.

Now the biggest selling mulch is red mulch. Why, who TF knows.

So basically the brown and black mulch do not sell as well.

Which leads me to think, don’t people know that bags of brown and black mulch matter?

No disrespect to the “Black Lives Matter” movement or anyone whose favorite color is brown.

Just sayin.’mulch5

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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