Who Said Ya Had To Be Normal To Be President of The Yew United States

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Why the groundhog spends the rest of the year underground

The cast of characters running for the highest office in the lant, (as Lawrence Welk would say) resembles attending a Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus but with less clowns.

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I wondered if throughout history there may have been some “clowns” that actually made it to the presidency, and, even though holding that prestigious office, still exhibited clowness. (my word)

Or, at least really strange antics, or whatever.

So, I did some research and came up with a list of weird facts about some of our beloved, (or not) past presidents.

Which explains why he never owned a Great Dane

Which explains why he never owned a Great Dane

John Adams and his archrival, Thomas Jefferson both died on the same day. Now if this had happened in today’s politically fired up society, conspiracy theorists would be chomping at the bit claiming they each had each other knocked off.

OR……as religious extremists would claim, “It was Gawd’s plan.” Because, as we all know, Gawd does have a sense of humor.  How else do ya explain Gawd telling the Pope to take on Donald Trump.

“Hey Pope Francis, I got one for ya.”

“Yes Lord, how may I serve you.”

“Well, do me a favor and comment on Donald Trump’s plan to build a giant wall to keep out Mexican immigrants.”

“Um, er, I really don’t wanna get into politics Lord. But, you are the boss, so what would you like me to say?”

“How about, “Donald trump is a real idiot if he thinks he can build a giant wall and keep Mexicans from crossing the border and God, me, is really pissed off.”

“Um, can I kinda tone it down a bit Lord. Like, say like, “A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian. This is not the gospel”

“Well, ok, but I really thought my idea was a lot funnier.”

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Thank you shortie…um…I mean honeeeee

Another interesting weird fact is that James Madison weighed less than the average American teenage girl. He weighed only 100 pounds and stood five feet four inches. Which is the same height that yours truly is. However I DO weigh a bit more, and I’m almost 100% positive there are a lot of American teenage girls out there my same weight and height. Why is this relevant? Beats the crap outta me.

Andrew Jackson’s bird liked to swear. Yep, Jackson taught his bird, a parrot, how to really belt out some really obscene words. Which was, and this is a fact, why the bird was removed from the president’s funeral because it was cursing too much.

“Hey you asswipes, for cripes sake, be careful carrying that damn motherf**king casket ya dumb pricks, that’s my boss ya got in there!!!!”

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John Tyler, (no relation to Steven Tyler) was one of the most unpopular presidents of all time. Which should be of some consolation to President Obama considering many think he’s the most unpopular. Hmmm…..wonder which political party thinks that? Damn….I have no clue.

Anyhow, Obama aside, his 1882 New York Time’s obituary stated Tyler was “the most unpopular public man who had ever held any office in the United States.”

Why is it my brain just thought of Richard Nixon?nixon1

WAIT! I know. It wasn’t that he was unpopular, it was that the New York Times was asleep at the wheel the day he resigned his office, which, because he DID resign, actually DID make him popular.

“Hey what a guy…… is he popular for resigning or what?”

President Zachary Taylor died in a mysterious way. Why, who TF knows. All it said when I researched his obit was that it had something to do with eating cherries and milk.

Here’s one of the statements explaining the possible cause of his untimely demise:

“After a lengthy, very hot day of attending outdoor fundraisers, the twelfth President of the United States was ravenously hungry. Despite being warned by his physician that over-indulgence was “imprudent,” Taylor hastily wolfed down a variety of raw vegetables — cucumbers, cabbage, and corn — then treated himself to a jug of iced milk and an enormous bowl of cherries.”

MMM

MORE!!!!  MORE!!!

Cripes, no wonder he died. Mix all that cabbage, cucumbers, corn, (raw) and mix it in with iced milk and cherries and you’re either gonna fart your brains out or get such a bad stomach ache you’d wish you were dead. Which may have been the case.

Franklin Pierce was once charged with running over an old woman with his horse. The charges were eventually dropped due to lack of evidence, but, hence and forsooth, where the song, “Grandma Got Run Over By A President” later changed to reindeer, came from.

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Gawd I miss this guy………..

James A. Garfield, (no relation to the cat) was ambidextrous. But, eventually revealed that to everyone when he came out of the closet and…um….oh, wait, sorreeeee, got that wrong. Ambidextrous means that he could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other at the same time.

Unfortunately none of what Garfield wrote with either hand amde any sense

Unfortunately none of what Garfield wrote with either hand made any sense

However it basically meant  he could walk into a Greek Pizza place, order takeout while speaking in Latin, and actually get an Italian pizza made by Catholic alter boys working part-time at the pizza place.

Our largest president, by far, was William Taft. This guy weighed in at a whopping 335 pounds. How fat was he you ask? I’ll tell ya. He was sooooooo fat he was once harpooned by whalers.

No, soreeeee, I just made that up. BUT, the true fact is that he was so fat he once got stuck in the White House bathtub and had to call for help to get himself out.

(I now have visions of Roto-Rooter being called to the White House)

“Ok Harry, whaddya figure. The plunger or the snake?”

“Um, better idea, get the jack outta the truck and a crow bar.”taft1

Harry S. Truman had a fake middle name. In fact, and this is true, the “S” in Truman’s name did not stand for anything because his parents couldn’t agree on a middle name for over a month.

“Oh my oh my dear, what are we gonna give Harry for a middle name now that we’ve both listed an “S” on his birth certificate?”

“Shit honey I…….”

“Eureka….that’s IT! Shit!”

“Um, no dear, good idea, but let’s hold off on that idea for a bit.”

Further proof that even today the media ALWAYS gets it right.....

Further proof that even today the media ALWAYS gets it right…..

Lyndon Johnson was a womanizer. He had so many extramaritial affairs during his presidency that his aides referred to the girls he had affairs with as his harem.

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Um, come on up to my oval office honeeee and I’ll teach you a few things, heh heh.

I now defer to this song in memory of LBJ:

Jimmy Carter believed in UFO’s. He actually filed a report in 1973 claiming that he had seen a UFO. I personally think he spotted Ronald Reagan in his rear view mirror while campaigning. Makes sense to me.

Even though no one believed carter, he did manage to record the events of that night on his car cassette player

Even though no one believed Carter, he did manage to record the events of that night on his car cassette player

Speaking of Ronnie, he actually did stand up comedy. Excluding his stint in the White House. In 1954 while his acting career wasn’t really taking off  he did a stand up gig in Las Vegas.

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Damn….I should go back and do stand up gigs

And, ba da boom, ba da bing.

President Obama is a comic book nerd. He’s a huge collector of comics which includes Spider Man. Not sure if he has others in his collection like, “The Rubio Robot From Outer Space,” “Nightmare on Cruz Street,” “Ben Carson, (brother of Kit) of the Wild West,” “Bushwacking Zombies of Texas,” or the ever popular, “Trumpman,” able to build tall buildings in a single year, faster than a speeding campaign train, and more powerful than a Republican caucus.

Loooook! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Nooooooo, it’s TRUMPMAN!!!!!”

Ah f**k….it’s a bird.”

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Ok…..now back to weird reality folks. Campaign 2016.

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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