(Happy Valentine’s Day….reprised from MisfitWisdom’s 2012 Valentine’s Day)
Love is in the air today….or was that a garbage truck that just went by?
Remember when you were a mere child in grade school and lusted over that little blonde girl who sat in the front row and who never even knew you existed. So you patiently waited for the one day of the year when you could express your feelings, usually lust, by sending her a Valentine and hope that did the trick.
Unfortunately it never worked. At least for me. Which, over the years, didn’t give me very much confidence in the success of sending a stinkin’ Valentines Day card.
Of course today, having a wonderful and fulfilling relationship, I really don’t have to give my other half a Valentines Day card, but I do it out of love and deep appreciation for all the stuff she puts up with over the course of a year. The least I can do is spring for a 99 cent Valentines Day Card.
But that got me to thinking. Wouldn’t it be a great idea if they made Valentines Day cards for people you lusted after but didn’t give you a second look. So I came up with some sayings that perhaps some greeting card company like “Hallmark” could market for those of us who had bad relationships or unfulfilled lustful feelings for someone….like that stuck up blond in first grade. Or, perhaps an ex.
Revenge can be sweet on Valentines Day too.
Like, “Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m happily remarried, so screw you.”
Or, “I asked you to be my Valentine, but I was ignored. Thank Gawd for that, you turned out to be a dog.”
And for any of you that have ex’s:
“The years we spent together were anything but swell. Just wanted to wish you a dismal Valentines Day and hope you go to hell.”
A lost love: “My days were empty, and my nights were blue. I had no hope, it was agony without you.”
“I tried so hard to make you happy. But all you did was laugh at me.”
“You called me a loser, and a bunch of other rotten names.”
“And made out with my best friend, without any shame.”
“Then told me to leave, that the two of us would never be.”
“But fear not my lost love, I have forgiveness in my heart……ever since I won the five million dollar lottery.”
Having been married and divorced a couple of times I personally think I would send that last Valentine card with a very graphic photo of myself holding up the million dollar lottery check while flipping the bird. Or perhaps venturing to a candy store that I know that makes x-rated body part chocolates, buying the chocolate of a guys Johnson and inserting a Valentines card inside the box that says, “Eat Me.” After I won the lottery of course.
HEY……at least the ONE time your ex would get some pleasure out of it. (ya have to think about that one)
Finally, for those of you who have given up on finding true love:
“On this Valentines Day, I want to thank all of you.”
“If it were not for you, my days would be dark and blue.”
“But you’ve given me love and affection beyond my wildest dreams.”
“So the least I can do, is give you this card, and these chocolate creams.”
“I know I’m not very attractive, and all of you are really good lookers.”
“So all I can say, is thank you Madam for some really great hookers.”
That should cover about everybody on this Valentines Day. Feel free to make up your own. I’m sure most of you can really get creative when those resentment juices start flowing. Just think negative….alimony, child support, your ex has your house and you’re living in a damn cardboard box on a grate somewhere or, if you’re a woman, and want a negative Valentine for your ex, perhaps a photo of you and your new boyfriend vacationing in Hawaii.
Be a bit careful however. There’s a very thin line between love and hate……….and arsenic can be easily slipped into your food totally undetected.
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