AND…..who paid for this research….AND WTF…..WHY!!!!!!
DEA, (Drug Enforcement Administration) agent Matt Fairbanks explains his mission to investigate bunnies getting high on pot, “I come to represent the actual science.”
Apparently, according to the article in “The Daily Beast” Mr. Fairbanks explained that “legalizing marijuana in the state of Utah could have a powerful effect on the state’s ecosystems. Which is, dazed and confused rabbits.”
And we all know, next to ISIS, this would be the most scariest of threats of all. Yep, dazed and confused rabbits. Like we could all be attacked by dazed and confused rabbits wielding sharp carrots.
However, I might add that, “Freedom of Information Act,'”(FOIA) expert Muck Rock sent a letter to that agency asking for details on this claim. It turns out there is no information on this claim that rabbits in Utah are getting high on weed.
Sooooooo, Agent Fairbanks then said, ‘Well, that was merely an observation.”
Which I guess means he’s spent waaaay too much time in the forest observing rabbits, or was high himself when observing those rabbits, and, because rabbits tend to be off the wall anyhow, just assumed that they were stoned. My guess anyhow.
Unless as I just said, HE was the one that was stoned and that clouded up his thinking. I base my theory on the fact that the article states, “his theory stems from his time up on the mountains in Utah protecting the environment as a member of the DEA’s Cannabis Eradication Team.”
And we all know what spending way too much time up in the mountains can do to ya.
“Soooo agent Fairbanks, how do we know which one of these plants is marijuana and which is not?”
“Well agent Furbus, simple. First we test one of these plants on a rabbit and see if the little sucker has a sudden craving for an over abundance of carrots and then proceeds to jump as many female rabbits as possible, because, as we all know,a after smoking a lot of weed, ya just wanna eat a bunch of munchies and then mind-blowing sex.”
“Um, but agent Fairbanks, rabbits normally have mind-blowing sex on a regular basis anyhow. Why do ya think there are so many rabbits around.”
“Well, you have a point there agent Furbus. However, if they’re having sex AND eating a overbundance of carrots at the same time, THEN we prove our point.”
“Um, which is?”
“Simple. Rabbits are getting high on weed, screwing their brains out, and depleting the supply of carrots which will make carrot prices skyrocket and piss off consumers. It’s our job to prevent that.”
Ok, so we’ve cleared that up. Now, you’re asking yourselves, “Hey, how much is it costing to watch these rabbits get high, eat carrots, and have mind-blowing sex?”
I’ll tell ya. How about to the tune of $18 million dollars along with the 120 agencies it takes to destroy marijuana grow sites.
So how does agent Fairbanks justify this rabbit addiction problem and the need to spend $18m million dollars to prevent Peter Cottontail from getting high?
His quote: “”Rabbits have cultivated a taste for marijuana which he suggested was a detriment of their brains. One of them refused to leave us and we took all of the marijuana around him. His natural instincts to run were somehow gone.”
Ohhhhhhhh. That explains everything.
Yep, if ya give me weed and let me smoke my brains out, I wouldn’t want to run either. Nope. Just lay back, enjoy the high, maybe a little mind-blowing sex, some really good junk food, and then zone out. WTF run? Why?
Doesn’t take $18 million dollars to figure that one out.
The DEA, drug hating gung-ho marijuana plant killers that they are, hate the fact that marijuana has been proven to help people with certain medical conditions.
In fact, to prove my point, lest you thinkith I’m making this stuff up, DEA chief Chuck Rosenberg said, “What really bothers me is the notion that marijuana is also medicinal because it’s not. We can have an intellectually honest debate, (excluding rabbits) about whether we should legalize something that is bad, but don’t call it medicine……that is a joke.”
Countering that remark, Rep. Earl Blumenauer called Rosenberg an, “inept, misinformed zealot.”
To which the rabbit coalition, based in Washington, gave him a big high-five.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, (Congress) a bill filed by a number of the House of Representatives is asking Congress to strip the Cannabis Eradication Team of its funding, calling the program a waste of resources.
And all of you thought Congress never acts on anything important.
Sooooo, in conclusion, rabbits can happily hop down the bunny trail, hippity hoppity, come Easter, distributing their colorful Easter eggs much to the glee of children everywhere.
AND…….perhaps, make a few bucks on the side, selling their stashes of marijuana, collected in the hills of Utah, to the adults who could give a rats ass about colorful Easter eggs.
HEY! How the hell do ya think rabbits pay for all of those coloring kits to paint those eggs at Easter time pal.
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