Yes, its time once again to get out your day planner and make a list of all the days you want to celebrate in January.
But first, if you wanna go full hog, you can actually celebrate some “day” celebrations the entire month. For instance, the entire month of January is “National Bath Safety Month.” Which either means you can wear a condom while you take a bath, just to be on the “safe” side, or, means you just better be more careful when you take a bath in January.
I’m thinking, because it’s very cold in January, perhaps those of you skimping on heat for your houses might have your bath water freeze thereby, hence and forsooth, why January is bath safety month. You know, slipping on frozen bath water and knocking your noggin on that tough porcelain.
BUT…if that’s truly the case, if you went with my first option, the condom, at least ol Woodster will be protected if ya fall. My thinking anyhow.
The other monthly celebrations include:
- National Blood Donor Month…….(vampires excluded)
- National Braille Literacy Month…….(very popular at nudist colonies)
- National Hobby Month…….(whatever….yawn)
- Hot Tea Month……(bet Lipton or Salada had some say in this one)
- National Oatmeal Month……..(as does Quaker Oats with this one)
- National Soup Month……….(and Campbells, Progresso, etc,etc, etc does with this too)
OK………but just in case you have a short attention span, or are just short, and don’t wanna spend an entire month wearing a condom, donating blood and fighting off vampires, feeling your way around a nudist colony, (my choice) spending countless hours on that stupid hobby and drinking hot tea while scarfing down oatmeal and soup, here are some daily celebrations for ya.
January 2nd is “Run Up The Flagpole and See If Anyone Salutes Day.” Depending, of course, if you actually have a flagpole and come up with some stupid idea that you think might be worth running up a flagpole to see if anyone actually salutes it….or salutes you in a different way…..like with the bird perhaps.
The 3rd is “Fruitcake Toss Day.” This either means that somewhere in Podunk, USA where people have nothing better to do, they toss fruitcakes around in celebration of this day. Or, it’s the day when you can legally toss fruitcakes into the trash after receiving them as gifts. OR, the day that its legal to toss some guy you know is a fruitcake into the trash. Your choice I guess.
The 4th is “Trivia Day.” Where people, who have absolutely no lives to speak of, consistently hit you with trivia questions to amuse themselves. Stuff like, “Who is buried in Grants Tomb.” To which, if you are one of those people with no life or common sense would reply, “DUH, Grant!” To which you would be mistaken because Grant is NOT “buried” but above ground at the Ulysses S. Grant memorial in New York City.And, for you non-believers…………………
Oh, oh….did I just fall into that I don’t have a life category? Damn!
January 5th is “National Bird Day.” Yes, you KNOW where I’m going with this one. Yep….yet another bird flipping you off…………………
The 9th is “Play God Day.” This will work if you’re a handsome hunk of a guy in a bar and women are already flocking to you. BUT, if you’re married, forget it. Even God himself, who WAS God, found out that sometimes being God and preaching the word can have its pitfalls. As when he gave his famous speech in front of a huge crowd and said those immortal words, “Let he who hath no sin cast the first stone.” And his mother threw a rock at him.
The 10th is “Peculiar People Day.” Why? Who TF knows. Unless you’re supposed to honor anyone peculiar that you know. In my case, that’s EVERYONE I know. (2 people) Only because those are the only people who like me. Which, I guess, makes ME peculiar.
January 14th is for people who have nothing better to do with their lives than to dress up their pets and make fools of themselves as this is “Dress Up Your Pet Day.” Personally, speaking as someone who owns 3 cats, with claws, if YOU think I’M gonna try to dress up a cat you’re freakin’ crazy pal.
The 16th is “National Nothing Day.” Probably, (my guess) because there’s nothing worth celebrating this day. Bummer.
The 18th is “Martin Luther King Jr.s’ Birthday.” This day we can all remember his famous words of, “I Have A Dream.” I personally have had a lot of dreams too but unfortunately most of mine are x-rated so I don’t expect any day to be named after me. UNLESS, they have a National X-Rated Dream Day.
January 20th is the day we can all honor penguins. If that’s your thing of course. Yep, “National Penguin Awareness Day.” This is celebrated so that people standing in line in a grocery store who happen to notice a strange person standing behind them wearing a tuxedo can distinguish the difference between an actual person standing behind them or a penguin. In which case, if it IS a penguin, congratulate them on their day.
Ok, now that we’ve covered penguins, how about celebrating on the 21st “Squirrel Appreciation Day.” Yes, those cute furry little creatures that we always take for granted. Without squirrels we’d never be able to post on social media sites off-color jokes about nuts. Such as this one.
Or this one………..
(I’m on a roll here……..)
January 28th is “National Kazoo Day.” If you don’t own a kazoo but wish to participate in the festivities of this day simple pinch your nose with your fingers and hum something appropriate. “Seventy-six Trombones” might be a good one.
And finally, the 30th is “National Inane Answering Machine Day.” I personally celebrate this day every day when anyone calls me. I guess the message on my answering machine might fall into the “inane” category. Drives those telemarketers nutso. https://youtu.be/sWocG3qxxRw
Well, enough said. I’m sure you now have your entire datebook filled to capacity for the month of January.
As for me, I’m going to head out to a nudist colony with one of my pals to celebrate “National Braille Literacy Month.” HEY! What else would expect from me.
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