Christmas morning everyone opened their gifts around their Christmas trees. We couldn’t afford one this year so I decorated a coat rack that we had in the front hall with some lights and tinsel and a few ornaments and it really didn’t look too bad. Ya just gotta improvise with what you have sometimes. Hey….it’s the thought that counts.
But I began to wonder what other people found under their tree this morning. Like famous people who have just about everything and are extremely hard to find the perfect gift for. So, with that in mind, I came up with my own list of gifts I would give to certain well-known people.
Here we go.
Lindsay Lohan. With all of her problems this past year with the police and getting arrested a gazillion times I’m sure she’s used up all her “Get Out Of Jail” passes. So I’d give her a years supply of those passes and a free Monopoly game. Jusssst in case she uses up all those passes before next Christmas so that she’ll have something to do with the other inmates when they lock her butt up for good.
Donald Trump. Obviously The Donald has everything and is extremely hard to buy anything unusual for that he already doesn’t have. But, considering he’s constantly on the Obama birth certificate kick, I thought a reproduction of Obama’s birth certificate embossed in 14k gold suitably framed with a Hawaiian lei might just do the trick. Oh yeah, and a Don Ho CD.
Mitt Romney. This one was easy. An invitation to my house to celebrate Christmas dinner with all the fixins.’ Which include several cans of specially prepared Christmas “Spam.” (we go all out at this time of the year) Sweet potatoes, which are actually regular potatoes that I stuffed with sugar and dyed them orange because we can’t afford real sweet potatoes. Stuffing for the Spam, which is really seasoned bread crumbs wrapped up in a few slices of bread. (the .99 cent loaf from Stop & Shop) For vegetables, or I should say, “vegetable,” because on our budget there’s only one, which is an ear of corn which we all pick at by passing it around the table. And for dessert, I really splurged this year and bought one of those “Table Talk” pies. Yum.
Hey Mitt! Welcome to how the 47% and the 1% celebrate Christmas dinner.
Bristol Palin. Another easy gift choice. A year’s supply of condoms. We all know the poor thing can’t afford birth control pills. Which I would have given her as a gift instead of the condoms, but I can’t afford them either.
Justin Bieber. The kid likes to pig out before a concert and we all know what happened the last time he ate than sang. Barf city. So, considering that barf, or parts of that barf, which barf usually consists of, wound up on eBay, I thought Justin Bieber autographed barf bags with a photo of Justin gagging on the bag might be an appropriate gift. Reusable of course.
Lady Ga Ga. A gift certificate to “Figis.” With all of the various food items contained in their catalog I’m sure she’d find something in there suitable to wear at her next concert. I said, “wear” not eat.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. I’d go all out for this gift for the Governor. A brand new 2103 “Peel 350” automobile made in the “Isle of Mann.” By men I guess. Why the perfect gift? Because, as we all know, the Governor has a minor weight problem and might be considering a run for the Presidency in 2016. As an incentive to take off some of that weight, he’d have to lose quite a bit in order to actually fit into this car if he wants to drive it. There’s the incentive. Yep…he’ll be thin by summer.
Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Sarah Palin, Karl Rove, Geraldo Rivera, Steve Doocy, Megyn Kelly, just to name a few……(I’m on a limited gift giving budget here) the perfect gift courtesy of my dear friend “Igor.” A supply of fresh “Abby Normal” brains from Igor’s last trip to the lab. Can’t be any worse than the ones they already have.
Senator John McCain. A years free admission to the senior bingo hall of his choice. Might give him some incentive to retire for cripes sake.
Negative cranky ass posters on the social media site, “Sodahead.” A two-year supply of tranquilizers. With some of the inane comments, vile slurs, and total lack of factual checking the facts before they open their mouths and insert their feet before posting, I’d give them a two-year supply to be used in one year so that they can double up on the dosage. Works for me.
To the really brain-dead U. S. Senators, Todd Akin, (R-MO) and Richard Mourdock, (R-Ind) who made idiotic comments regarding abortion and rape with respect to women, and respectively lost their bid for reelection, (duh) an invitation to participate in the TV series, “Scared Straight” at which time they will be both locked in a cell alone with a 350 pound lifetime inmate named Bruno. Who is verrrrry lonely.
Geez. I could go on and on with my gift giving ideas here folks, but I’d be broke spending all of my hard-earned “entitlement” Social Security cash on gifts. But, there is one last gift I definitely have to splurge on.
A dictionary for all the members of Congress so that they can look up the word, “entitlement.”
Which means:: a government program providing benefits to members of a specified group; also : funds supporting or distributed by such a program.
Not….what some call “handouts,” as in, “Hey….you got a big box of donuts there pal, ain’t I entitled to some of those?”
At which point you reply. “No ya damn jerk….I bought the freakin’ donuts and I’m eatin’ all of them…screw off!”
Or, “Hey, I gave ya five bucks to buy that box of donuts, ain’t I entitled to some?”
At which point you reply, (if you are a member of Congress) “Sorry bozo, just because you “contributed” to the donut fund doesn’t mean you are entitled to any of them. You donut freaks are all alike. Always lookin’ for a damn handout….munch, munch.”
Yes there are many more deserving people out there. But, one can only do so much. (sigh)
Merry Christmas everyone. As a famous philosopher once said, “May the bird of paradise fly up the noses of many more well deserving people.” Preferably a partridge in a pear tree with a nose fetish.
And now our final celebrity performer to round out Christmas day.
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