I’ve mentioned on occasion that I have a close circle of friends. (2) The reason for that low number of friends is that these are the only two people who have a demented mind such as myself. Everyone else I’ve met thinks I’m nuts. So today I wish to share with you more insanity from one of those friends, Tom Santos, and his brilliant take on “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” I’ve inserted my usual demented cartoons to help Tom tell his sad story.
“I had a TV show on which I interviewed authors and people of interest. Over the years I have interviewed some very interesting people. A number of these guests have prospered from my audience. They have picked up new customers. I can’t accept money for the interviews, because it is Public Access TV. However some of my guests have given me gifts of appreciation. While I really appreciate their thoughtfulness, this Christmas they went a little overboard.
“TOM’S TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS”
One of my guests, I’ll call him Bill, owns a garden shop. He displayed photos of his acreage with all sorts of plantings, bushes and trees. Included in the photo was a pear tree. I remarked something like, “Wow, kind of like the one in “12 Days of Christmas.” Well on the first day of Christmas, Bill brought over a pear tree as a token of his appreciation. His wife added a partridge. He even planted the tree for me. I thanked them for the wonderful gifts. I know nothing about taking care of a partridge. Guess I’ll leave him outside on a tree for the Winter. I was overjoyed that someone thought enough to give me that gift.The very next day, my true love gave me 2 Turtle Doves. Very nice. very sweet of her; such beautiful birds. Very thoughtful. I thought these birds were quite pleasant, a wonderful gift. I even purchased a bird cage to house them, and a whole lot of birdseed.
The next day, another guest dropped off 3 French Hens. Oh good, something I can eat. But they were so beautiful, I decided to keep them and show them at the county fairs. I even purchased a rabbit cage to house them, with a ramp so they could roam.
On the 4th day of Christmas, Jim, from the pet store, dropped off 4 Calling Birds. Well these are the cutest things. But, honestly, the constant “calling” could drive me crazy. I purchased another bird cage, large enough for the four birds.I then took the Dove cage and the Calling bird cage and put them in the spare room, so they could coo and call together. Then I could close the door.
The next day, my local jeweler stopped by; he thanked me for having him on my show. Said he got a lot of new business and he gave me 5 Golden Rings. Very nice rings; probably worth a few dollars, so I put them in my safe.
I was then presented with 6 Geese a Laying by my true love. What am I going to do with 6 Geese a Laying? She said she thought they would be a nice compliment to the 4 Calling Birds, 3 French hens, 2 Turtle Doves and a Partridge in a Pear Tree.I asked her, “Do you have any idea what it cost to feed all of these birds?”
The following day my true love gave me 7 Swans a Swimming. I’m beginning to think she’s lost it and needs to be on meds.
On the 9th day of Christmas my (soon to be ex) true love presented me with 9 Ladies Dancing. Oh great, 9 more mouths to feed along with the 8 Maids a Milking. She should be committed. Where does she come up with these ideas?
On the tenth day of Christmas, the fruitcake gave me 10 Lords a Leaping. I wasn’t home when they arrived. When I walked in the door there were those 8 Maids a Milking sitting around looking for something to milk, the 9 Ladies Dancing all over the house, and now I have those 10 Lords a Leaping. Oh my. I have to keep her away from my house. NO MORE GIFTS, PLEASE!
Well the 11th day of Christmas brought another surprise, 11 Pipers Piping. I didn’t even know there was such a thing.
The 12th day of Christmas was okay. I almost made it through the day. But , around 6pm, I heard noises outside my door. I opened the door to see that once favorite love of my life left a note wishing me a Merry Christmas and 12 Drummers Drumming.
The 8 Maids a Milking are sitting around, the 9 Ladies are Dancing, the 10 Lords are Leaping all over, and the 11 Pipers are all in tune with the 12 Drummers Drumming.
I called my ex-true love and told her not to come near me or my home every again. I also said I was sending her the bill for the food I have to buy to feed these people.NOW I have thee leaping fools in every room of the house, jumping up and down, banging into the ceiling. I have holes in the ceilings of every room. The maids keep looking for things to milk, and then I have thee nine ladies dancing all over the place to the beat of 11 Pipers Piping and 12 Drummers Drumming.
I have fifty people, milking, leaping, piping, and drumming all at once and birds that won’t shut up. The 6 geese are laying eggs all over the house, and then there’s the 7 Swans are swimming in my now flooded basement. I think I may be going mad.
The bills to feed these idiots and birds are driving me to the poor house.
I’ve been issued a cease and desist order from the town for all of the animals and birds which are illegal, and the police keep stopping by because of noise and complaints.
Then I was arrested for trying to kill those 8 Maids a Milking, 9 Lords a Leaping, 10 Dancing Ladies, 11 Pipers Piping, and 12 Drummers Drumming with drugs.
My (now ex) girlfriend has filed a restraining order because I kept threatening her. She wants nothing to do with me. She said, “I was just trying to give him something different for Christmas.”
The doctors say I will be fine, once the tranquilizers wear off, and probably a year’s worth of therapy. My attorney says he can get all of the charges dropped, since I wasn’t in my right mind. He is making arrangements with the local zoo to take the 7 Swans a Swimming, 5 Geese a Laying, 4 Calling Birds, 3 French Hens, 2 Turtle Doves and the Partridge in the pear tree.
The 8 Maids a Milking have been sent to a local farm, the 9 Ladies Dancing have been sent to Rockefeller Center, the Ten Lords a Leaping have been sedated to calm them down, the 11 Pipers a Piping had their pipes taken away, and the 12 Drummers a Drumming have lost their drums.
Once the repairs are made to the house, including fumigating from the birds, repairing the leak in the basement and draining the water, I will have to sell it to pay off the hospital and attorney fees. And the IRS is hounding me for unclaimed income from all these gifts. I had to hire a CPA to help with the taxes. My once friendly neighbors now hate me and have another restraining order placed on me.
The attorney took the 5 Golden Rings as a deposit. I just lost my TV show and I will have to change my name and move to another state where no one knows me.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
Tom Santos December 2015
Merry Christmas Tom from MisfitWisdom
Tom can be seen on his TV show “Books and Things With Tom” at SEC-TV.org. (press YouTube button)