I’ve never given much thought to being short. Not that I’m so short that fire hydrants loom over me and I avoid tall dogs mind you. But below what most people call an average height, say like five feet seven, which I guess is the height where ya don’t get short people jokes tossed at you.
For me, that was the norm growing up. That and those “Gum on your Dick jokes, cause my first name is Richard.
Speaking of, how the hell do ya get “Dick” outta the name Richard?
And where does having gum on your Dick come into play anyhow?
Anyhow, now approaching the age of a giant Sequoia tree I’ve managed to endure shortness for many years. It really wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be when I first started out…..being short.
Of course there were the usual downers. When it came to playing sports, like basketball, I was never picked to be on the team. Guess they figured I was way too close to the ground to reach that net which was, to me, so far up I could barely see it, never mind trying to get a ball into it.
Class dances in high school or at record hops where all the tall jocks scored the hot babes were downers as well. For some reason the hot looking girls wanted the tall guys while I was assigned to the wallflower section.
(the wallflower section was where girls, and guys, who no one would absolutely hit on sat during dances…….along with us short people)
Not that I actually hung out in that section mind you. Lest “I” be labeled as a wallflower. Nope…..I chose to watch the disc jockey spinning the records as I ogled the hot babes thinking to myself, “Oh yeah, well wait, someday all you babes will be scrambling to get my autograph when “I” become a famous DJ.”
Well, um, that never really happened. The “scrambling to get my autograph” and the “famous” part that is. As detailed in my non best-selling book, “I Could Have Been Famous But Life, Love and Sex Got In The Way.” (Amazon.com)
But, I DID become a disc jockey, thanks to being ignored by all those hot babes. I figured if they couldn’t actually see me, being short that is, but could hear me on the radio, THEN being short wouldn’t matter, IF…….IF they couldn’t see me. Made sense to me.
So being short at that point really didn’t matter anymore. After all, I made it all through my adolescent years without being mistaken for a fire hydrant by a tall dog while wearing a red and yellow outfit.
I actually survived being in the U. S. Army driving a jeep because my Sergeant compared the size of a two and a half ton truck tire to the size of me and figured if that truck got a flat tire there was no way I was gonna be able to change it in a hurry if the enemy were approaching and we’d all get captured.
AND…..I was the only GI not to get seasick on the boat trip to Germany during a hurricane type storm and the captain of the ship figured that was a great time to conduct a lifeboat drill. Being short, and small, I simply folded myself up in my cot below deck and hid in there while everyone else had to go topside and barf their brains out.
Worked well during all those times when they lined us up in formation and chose guys for crappy assignments. Yep, I stood waaaay in the back where no one could ever see me….or pick me out for an assignment. Take that tall guys!
HEY! Do ya think I ever bang my head on anything!
Of course the other problem being short poses is buying clothes that fit. Clothing manufacturers discriminate against short people. Do ya ever see a “Short and Skinny” men’s store? Do ya? NO….it’s always “Big and Tall.” Bastards.
Yes, I still have a few minor problems with being short to this day. Mainly due to the fact that most of my friends (2) are taller than me. As well as my other half who has a whopping two inches on me. Which is why I own 3 cats, because THEY are shorter than me.
For instance, when I drive my truck obviously my seat has to be all the way up because I have a stick shift and have to reach the clutch pedal, to (duh) shift the gears. Which means my other half is scrunched up to the dashboard. So to compromise, I simply drive in an almost reclining position to reach the pedals while she watches the road and guides me.
Not really, but it sure as hell seems that way sometimes.
The only other problem I worry about these days, being short, is that as you get older, supposedly your body begins to shrink. Now personally I can’t afford to lose ANY inches as it is.
So to compensate, jussssst in case it IS true that you lose inches as you age, I’ve been wearing sneakers that make me taller. Now the problem with this is that, as in the disco years when platform shoes were the in thing and I wore them to look taller, so did the tall guys. Gained nothing there.
So the same thing is happening with sneakers too. Ya just can’t win….or gain height.
But all in all I really can’t complain about all those years of being short.
I figure if a guy like Danny DeVito can become a big TV and movie star and “Antman” is a superhero, who the hell am I to complain.
UM…..on second thought………
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