The NUTS From Hell……………

To clarify a point here folks, I’m not talking about the everyday nuts you run into that make you say to yourself, “Yes,  further evidence there are beings from other planets among us.”

mmmm

Further proof aliens exist and their headquarters are located at various WalMart stores

I’m referring to nuts that Detroit puts on vehicles when they manufacture them. Along with bolts of course. Which usually go hand in hand with nuts. Sometimes.

Or Almond Joy and Mounds.

First of all let me state that back in the old days, 1940’s to 1950’s BC, or later, you could actually, get this, work on your vehicle and never hire a mechanic to unscrew ANY BOLT!

In fact, you could actually take a motor apart and replace it yourself.

Then people who think up new ways to make you spend more money on your vehicles came up with all sorts of gizmos to make life miserable for people like us to work on our own vehicles. Which, of course, I suspect, brought much glee to mechanics. Along with more money in their pockets.ford cart

For instance, I’m having a problem with my gas sensor in my vehicle. It doesn’t work. So I have no freakin’ idea how much gas I have at any given time. Other than calculating the mileage and keeping my fingers crossed……because basically I’m a dummy when it comes to math.

So the logical solution would be, obviously, replace the gas sensor unit. WHICH…..is located IN THE GAS TANK, which is, between my truck bed and the gas tank, which is totally inaccessible without using dynamite.truckr1

And, as several people have suggested to me, simply drop the gas tank, OR, lift the truck bed up and SHAZAM! ya got access.

OH YEAH!

Well let me clue you in on how easy that is NOT!!!!

First of all my bolts holding the truck bed have been in place since 1999. Ya know what THAT means? Yep… having to remove 8 rusty bolts.

Which have ID marks on them that say, “Made by Noah on the Ark in his spare time.”

Little known Noah's Ark fact

Little known Noah’s Ark fact

Solution……according to da experts. Simply blast those bolts with “PB Blaster” a few days prior to attacking those bolts, and again, SHAZAM! they come off.

Wellllll. Using an impact wrench I attempted that. Do ya think they came loose. Nope.

Next option, drop the gas tank.

Now to me, being verrrrry safety conscious, I’m thinking to myself, “Do I really wanna drop the gas tank?”

So, seeing I couldn’t get those bolts loose, I figured, what the hell, try it.

UNTIL……until I noticed that to prevent me from depriving a poor mechanic from missing out on my hard-earned bucks, Detroit placed one of the gas tank strap bolts in an area the size of my little finger. AND…..ya can’t see the other end of the strap to see how it comes off until ya drop the tank.

(image in my mind)explosion1

Sooooo. Do I really wanna stick an extension ratchet with an impact wrench to that bolt with the gas tank inches away?

This is where visions of a spark entered my mind and the fire department attempting to figure out where the rest of the pieces of my body are after the explosion. So I opted out of THAT project.

So, short of tipping over the truck, wearing an asbestos suit, and leaving a note for the EMT’s as to where to search for body parts, I’m at my wit’s end.

AND….even my mechanic, who I’ve called several times refuses to return my calls after I left a message on his answering machine asking him if he’d do the job. What does THAT tell ya!

MMMM

Tells me Tony is verrry busy or has gastankdroppingaphobia fears

I might add that in anticipation of this project I spent over $300 on tools which includes a hoist to lift up the truck bed and three sets of ratchets with extensions and a power impact wrench. And a lot of Band-Aids.

And……ESPECIALLY the hoist…………..truckr2

So far all I’ve used those tools for is to tighten up the screws on my storm door in preparation for the Winter cold. I DID use the impact wrench on the door just to say to my other half that it DID come in handy.

So, short of dynamite, along with the cold weather approaching, I’m completely baffled as to how to attack this nut and bolt problem.

One suggestion my cousin made was to cut a hole in the bed of the truck and access the nuts and bolts that way. To which I replied, NOT!

In conclusion, I figure that I have to live with this problem until the lottery Gods come through with a big win and I can afford to have a mechanic from Detroit fly down here and take those bolts off and change me $5,000.

HEY! Think I’m kidding. I needed a gas tank strap replaced and my local mechanic wanted to charge me $125!

$125 to unscrew a bolt and put a new strap in, which I had! For $125 dollars I could buy a case of dynamite and be done with it.

A dam STRAP!

I get a damn strap with accessories for nothing from FiFi LaChatuse down at Mama’s House of Hooker Joy…um….er…….well……neverrrrrrr mind.

mmmm

Yeah….that’s it….the only reason “I” pay for hookers.

So, as I mentioned before in a previous blog about this #%$#@!#$ gas senor problem, if you should see a 1999 Dodge Ram pickup alongside the road with a short Italian guy weeping hysterically while holding a lighted stick of dynamite, ………….drive by me verrrry fast.

AND…..should I survive, my next truck will be this one……………

So I can town myself.....um...WAIT! That won't workwill it. DAMN!

So I can tow myself…..um…WAIT! That won’t work will it. DAMN!

Just sayin.’

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Copyright 2015 MisfitWisdom RLV

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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2 Responses to The NUTS From Hell……………

  1. butchcountry67 says:

    I feel your pain… the TPS ( throttle position sensor) went on my 2006 aveo .. $185 for a plastic sensor that is about the same size as a silver dollar …. thought I’d put it in myself… not a chance ! it requires tearing down the top half of the engine and removing 1 of 12 on board computers to instal it …. the car is currently yard art … I am driving my old but reliable 93 cavalier .

  2. misfit120 says:

    Ah feel “your” pain too. Be happy to share a stick of dynamite with ya : )

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