I was kind of taken aback, or front, when Kim Davis, that town clerk from Kentucky refused to grant marriage licenses to gay couples because it was against her religious beliefs. Stating that “It was God’s word she was following.”
Then I got even more taken aback, or, front again, when I heard some presidential candidates evoke the name of “God” into their political speeches and, some of whom, even said that God asked them to run for office.
THEN…..I got both taken aback, afront and aside when I saw THIS headline:
Anyhow, considering there are all kinds of variations of “God” out there, which also includes a gazillion religions, (www.infoplease.com) I kinda lost track as to what God some of these people were referring to.
In fact, this blog may border on blasphemy or me being blasphmatized (my word) by either God himself, a representative of God, (Kim Davis, Mike Huckabee, or Rick Perry, take your pick) or that lightning may strike me at any time.
(checking weather forecast for any impending thunderstorms today)
So, I said to myself, “Self, if God contacts me how do I know for one, if it’s really God and not those pesky voices I keep hearing in my head, or that I had my iPod headphones cranked up too loud.”
I mean, I can’t be sure here folks.
Like if God tells me, “Psssst, Misfit, go ahead, take a chance and go spend $5 on a lottery scratch off ticket.” How do I know it’s God sending me that message.
I mean, does God only send ya messages when it has to do with religion?
I just can’t grasp the concept of God taking time to send messages to politicians and town clerks. Wouldn’t ya think God wouldn’t want to get involved. I mean, there’s other stuff God should be doing. Like preventing all kinds of bad things from happening like wars, and terrorism and hate and discontent. Ya think?
Two gay people getting a marriage license, to me, doesn’t qualify as something God would be paying attention to. Or politics. And how do we know what political party God belongs to anyhow? OR, if HE’s into politics at all.
So, I figured I’d try to contact God myself and see if I could get some clarification on some of these issues.
Now I know ya can’t just pick up a phone and call the Big Guy, nor text Him or send Him an e-mail message. So I figured it must be one of those things where ya just lay in bed at night, close your eyes and use mental telepathy to contact Him.
“Hey God, this is Misfit, can ya hear me?”
“Oh, hello there my son. Yep, this is God, go ahead.”
“Um, first of all which God are you? I searched the Internet and there are an awful lot of God’s ya know.”
“Well my son, which one do you want.?
“Um, I dunno, whatever God will tell me what I should do in a tricky situation, Like the one Kim Davis is in, or those politicians that claim they got a message from you.”
“Ohhhh, yeah, that stuff. Well, up here in Heaven where it’s sunny all day and the deer and the antelope roam……………….”
“WAIT….isn’t that a line from “Home On The Range?”
“Well, yeah, but I thought it would fit in. But, in answer to your question, up here in Heaven we get those controversial questions all the time so we kind of have a standard God response and use a lot of “prompts” on our God line.”
“Yes, like press one if you want to pick a religion. Two if you want a particular God. Three if you’re kind of in a jam and need a standard, “God said for me to do this response.” Four if you’re a politician and need an endorsement. Five if you don’t give a damn, oops sorry, but want to choose from the many God options we have here. And six if you want to speak to a representative of God.”
“Um, what happens if I press six and speak to a representative?”
“Well my son, you can explain your situation, negotiate the type of response you want God to give you, and then fly with it.”
“Soooooo. If I wanna go with “God said or God told me to or God spoke to me I’m covered. Like asking if it’s ok that I have a lot of weird stuff on my computer?”
“Basically yes. Because as you know, no one can check to actually see if God, me, actually said anything to you. I mean, like, there’s no video cameras up here so who the hell, oops sorry again, who in God’s name, me, is gonna say that you didn’t actually talk to me or that I didn’t send you a message.”
“Hey, good point God. So basically I can say God told me to do this or God contacted me and gave me a message, or God sent me a message on my computer and….”
“HOLD ON MY SON!!!”
“I do not send messages on computers to anyone.”
“Do you have any idea the number of Internet trolls on computers these days? Besides, if I sent messages to people like Kim Davis, Rick Perry or Mike Huckabee on a computer the next thing you know, SHAZAM! Congressional investigation and they’d want to be examining my God server.”
“Oh yeah, I get your point. But you’re God, what could they possibly find on YOUR server.”
“Remember those 18 minutes of missing tape on Nixon’s recorder during the Watergate scandal………?”
“Oh yeah…….forgot about that.”
“Anyhow, so your basic message to me is go with the flow. If I think God, you, or whatever God I happen to reach from whatever religion, I can fly with it?”
“Thanks God. Now I get it. God bless you…um…er……”
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