This has become a monthly thing with me, looking at days that people should be celebrating because….well…..just because.
So, once again as a public service, and a lack of something better to do with my time, here’s the September list of days you might want to celebrate……or not.
First of all, besides the days, the entire month of September is “Hispanic Heritage Month.” I’m still trying to figure out what that person says when you dial a company, it goes into prompts, and second prompt is in Spanish. Something like, “usted es feo y tu madre vestidos de su divertida”
(Only Hispanics will get that one)
The other monthly celebrations are, “National Courtesy Month,” (which has since gone by the wayside since drivers insist on cutting me off on the Interstate) “Chicken Month.” (which either means you should take a chicken to lunch, or eat a chicken for lunch…not sure)
And the three most important celebrations of the month, “V J Day on the 2nd. ” Tip your hat or shake a World War II veteran’s hand this month. Or both.
“POW/MIA Recognition Day.” It’s entirely permissible to send Donald Trump an obscene letter on this day for saying that senator John McCain was not a war hero because, according to The Donald, a war hero is not one who gets caught.
And “911 Remembrance Day” on the 11th.
Now for the most important DAYS of the month. Mark your calendars.
The 1st of September is “Emma M. Nutt Day.” No, she wasn’t the first woman to be diagnosed as a certifiable nut case, but rather, she was the first woman telephone operator. And, most likely the very first woman telephone operator to piss off some perv on a phone who was breathing heavy and didn’t have that extra dime to insert into the pay phone when she told him to deposit an additional 10 cents for the next three minutes of phone sex.
The 3rd of the month is “Skyscraper Day.” Take a friend with an extreme case of vertigo to the top floor of any skyscraper and have a ball. It’s perfectly legal on this day.
The 4th is “Newspaper Carrier Day.” The day when we honor all newspaper delivery people for the convenience of having our newspapers delivered to our front doorsteps faithfully each and every day. In my case, delivered faithfully to my forsythia bushes.
The 5th is “Be Late For Something Day.” My suggestion, if you’re one of those people who always insist on being on time and hate to be late for anything…….go out in style and be late for your own funeral. HEY! It’s just one time for cripes sake!
Of course “Labor Day” is always celebrated on the first Monday of the month, (this year on the 7th) so if you know anyone in labor who is expecting, tell them to hold off until Monday.
Um…WAIT! Sorry, that’s not what labor Day is about. My error. This is the day when we honor all working people in America. BUT….that said, which I just did, I still think pregnant women who are expecting should be included. HEY…labor is labor. Cut me some slack here.
The 9th of September is “Teddy Bear Day.” The one day where it is completely acceptable to continually play Elvis Presley’s song “Teddy Bear,” take a Teddy bear to bed with you, or go to a park or zoo and actually hug a bear. It is also the same day where parks and zoos are not responsible for anyone getting mauled by a bear. So, forget filing a lawsuit pal.
The 11th is “No News Is Good News Day.” Considering that most of the news for the next 14 months or so will be about the several gazillion people running for president, (seems that way) no news IS good news.
The 13th is “Defy Superstition Day.” Walk under ladders, break mirrors, let a black cat walk in front of your path and tell your spouse she looks fat in that dress. You may wind up dead, but what the hell, at least you were brave enough to defy superstition.
The 13th is “Fortune Cookie Day.” In order to celebrate this you have to dine out at a Chinese restaurant. Which leads me to believe the Chinese and fortune cookie makers came up with this idea to get people to eat out at Chinese restaurants this day. “Ah so….you slow smart Misflit…you figure out plan. Here your fortune cookie….enjoy.”
(opening fortune cookie)
Also on the 13th is “National Pet Memorial Day.” Usually celebrated on the second Sunday in September. Remember your pets……. those who have passed on, and those who still give you love and affection day in and day out asking nothing in return but snacks, pets, a warm lap to sit on, and picking up their poop when they go to the bathroom.
“National Cream-Filled Donut Day” is on the 14th. This is the one day I venture over to those insensitive people at my local Krispy Kreme donut shop and yell obscenities at them for giving me flack for requesting that they take their lemon filled donuts and put chocolate on them for me. It’s also the day I have to come up with bail money after being arrested for causing a scene at Krispy Kreme. But…..worth it.
If someone has told you at one time or another that you have rocks in your head, the 16th would be your day to celebrate. Yes, that day is “Collect Rocks Day.” Why anyone came up with this idea to celebrate this day is beyond me. Unless……they have rocks in their heads. Or, are verrrrry boring people.
The 22nd is “Elephant Appreciation Day.” Appreciate the fact that elephants , besides monkeys, are the only creatures you can take to a baseball game and eat a bag of peanuts without people thinking you’re really nuts. AND…..if anyone does, have an elephant sit on them.
“Dog In Politics Day” is celebrated on the 23rd. This day came about when former President Richard Nixon was accused of using $18,000 in campaign funds for personal use. In a televised address he denied those charges and also cited that he was given a gift of a dog, a cocker spaniel, and that he had no intention of returning it. It became known as the “Checkers Speech.” (the dog was named Checkers)
So, my thinking, for any politicians who are thinking of misusing campaign funds….have a dog handy.
“National Comic Book Day” is on the 25th.
“Johnny Appleseed Day” is also on the 26th. All I can say is thank Gawd Johnny wasn’t into planting prunes. Otherwise we’d be celebrating Johnny Pruneseed Day. And, not only can we thank ol Johnny for all those apple trees, but for giving someone the idea for applesauce.
The 27th is “Crush A Can Day.” Considering there are a lot of cans out there to crush, I thought you might want a choice of which can you might want to crush:
Finally, and my favorite, is “Confucius Day,” on the 29th. Gives me the opportunity, as well as the rest of you, to let out with a bunch of those Confucius sayings. Sooooo, shall we end this blog with a few…………
Confucius say, baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.
Confucius say, man who read woman like book prefer braille.
Confucius say, man who mix Rogaine with Viagra will end up hard headed.
Confucius say, it take two blog writers to change a light bulb. One to screw in the bulb almost all the way in and one to give the blog a surprising twist at the end…….
Which is the final explanation to why a lot of what Confucius wrote was f**ked up……..
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