Have you ever wondered who TF these idiots are that make up laws here in the United States? Me too.
But, that said, which I just did, I have no freakin’ idea who these insane legislators are, but if you doubt that most of them ARE nut cases, take a look at some of the laws on the books that actually exist.
This, thanks to “Thrillist” and”Yahoo Travel’s” Kristen Hunt, who obviously has a lot of time on her hands. Then again, I’m commenting on this, so I guess that makes me just as bad.
Soooo, I’ve chosen some of the weirdest laws from Kristen’s article which was entitled, “The Weirdest Law In Every State.”
(my comments are in parenthesis ( )….those thingys)
The state constitution makes it illegal for any “idiots” or insane people to vote.
(My question. How do ya tell who’s an idiot and who’s not? WAIT! Considering I personally think lawmakers are idiots, that kinda narrows it down. Ya think.)
Clearly Alaska used to throw some wild parties in the woods, because the state now has a law on the books that bars you from giving a moose a beer.
(Only because if ya give a moose a beer they cannot defend themselves from attacks by Sarah Palin. Which is where the saying comes from, “The right to arm bears.” Or moose.)
Even though they’d love it, you can’t feed pigs garbage unless you have a special permit in AZ.
(We’re talkin’ about the four-legged ones and not the ones you find trolling at night in seedy parts of town. Sometimes ya have to make these things perfectly clear. Again, the idiot factor)
Mispronouncing the state name is strictly forbidden.
(Like when you see a stupid news item about WTF legislators do in that state you refer to them as Asskansaus)
Looking to put on a “frog-jumping contest”? Of course you are. But if any of the frogs die, you cannot eat them.
(Yes, you can only eat them after the contest is over and if they are still alive. Easy to eat as most frogs when eaten alive will opt to walk down your throat. Which obviously is much more humane than eating a dead frog)
Since a horse is technically a vehicle, you’re not allowed to enjoy a Dale’s Pale Ale on horseback.
(might wanna check if Bud Lite is legal. Or, perhaps drinking on an unregistered horse. Or, if ya get caught, say it was the horse’s drink)
For a pickle to legally be called a pickle, it must bounce.
(Looking up the idiot legislator that thought of this law and sending him a bouncing ball to play with instead of a pickle….that is if he can tell the difference)
If next week’s game of truth or dare in Johnny’s parents’ basement gets too real, don’t worry: getting married because of “jest or dare” is grounds for annulment.
(Hmmmm. So, my thinking is this. If ya wanna have sex with some hot babe, but she won’t give in, jest or dare her to marry you. Problem solved)
All establishments with a liquor license are prohibited from holding any contest, promotion, or activity that endangers a person with dwarfism. And that definitely includes throwing.
(Damn! And I was all set to enter that dwarf throwing contest in Florida)
Using profane language to a person under 14 in person or by telephone is considered disorderly conduct in Georgia.
(However, there is no mention of texting or e-mail. This state legislator better get moving and revise the law the stupid %$#!$#%@!. Oops)
As of 2013, car passengers who don’t wear seat belts are subject to $100 fines. If all the seats are full, though, don’t worry: it’s totally legal for anyone over 12 years old to hang out in the bed of the truck. In the open. With zero protection.
(“Well officer, all the seat belts were taken and ah was in the bed of the pickup when my brother who was driving hit that there tree over yonder and ah went flyin but ahm perfectly fine, cept for this tree branch stickin’ outta my head”)
Under a chapter titled “Mayhem,” Idaho lays out why eating other people is not cool, guys. Cannibalism will get you up to 14 years in prison… except in extreme cases where you had to eat your friend to survive. And if that’s the case, you’ve already been punished enough.
Taking a snooze in a cheese factory, bake shop, confectionery, or creamery is illegal under Illinois’ Sanitary Food Preparation Act.
You may not catch fish with your bare hands anywhere in Indiana.
Boxes used to package hops are supposed to be exactly 36 inches long, so if you’re planning to pack that stuff in a 37 inches box, get the hell out of Iowa.
(I agree with Kristen. If ya can’t get hops into a 36 inch box, you’ve obviously gathered way too many hops. So, hop to it and perhaps eat a few until the rest fit into that box. My thinking anyhow)
Owning any “gambling device” is a Kansas crime of public morals, unless it’s an antique slot machine-made prior to 1950.
Dye a baby chick, duckling, or rabbit any hue of the rainbow in Kentucky and you’ll be charged a $100-$500 fine. You’re also not allowed to sell them.
(This is because in Kentucky most of the people are color blind)
“Insulting or abusive remarks” are forbidden at any boxing match.
(So when that 300 pound guy Bruno smack ya in the face and it hurts like hell, all you’re allowed to say is stuff like, “Oh gollee…that sure smarts.” Or, “Gee whiz Bruno, ouch”)
Provided you obtain a license, you’re free to host a raffle for your non-profit in Maine. But the prize cannot be alcohol or a live animal.
(Damn! And here I was gonna raffle off my vintage bottle of Jack Daniels with my intoxicated cat to prove it was still potent stuff)
Though the Old Line State is presumably a fan of safe sex, it has a provision barring anyone from selling non-latex condoms in vending machines.
(Sooooo. Those of you that are into those new polyurethane condoms have to simply buy those latex ones, wash them out, and buy a can of clear polyurethane, spread if all over the condom, and you’re in business. Oh…um….make sure it dries first)
Although they would make the Golf Channel 100 times more exciting, exploding golf balls are not allowed in MA. First-time violators get a fine of up to $500.
Michigan bars you from being inebriated on a train in Act 68 of 1913.
(Otherwise, if you’re caught, they “rail” you outta town…..soreeeee…..couldn’t resist that one)
In a flagrant show of disrespect for old-timey farmers everywhere, Minnesota made greased pig contests and turkey scrambles unlawful.
(Again, this refers to the four-legged kinds of pigs. If you’re into greased pigs of the human kind, I suppose, if that’s your thing, go for it. I don’t think it’s illegal if you have a turkey in the room watching you as long as you don’t grease it)
Have one illegitimate child? Not a problem. But you’ll be facing misdemeanor charges as soon as that second kid pops out.
(Where corks come in handy)
Sheriffs can be imprisoned in their own county jail (presumably when they go rogue) and if that happens, MO law stipulates that the coroner is in charge of the jail.
(Seems like a stupid law and a dead issue to me)
Just two years ago, MT passed a law which allows you to salvage roadkill for meat.
Marriage law in the Cornhusker State includes some normal provisions, like a minimum age of 17, and some less-normal ones, like a statute preventing any person with a venereal disease from marrying.
(Statues get venereal diseases? Go figure. The things ya learn on the Internet)
Throwing things from a chairlift is illegal in Nevada.
(like maybe your mother-in-law or ex-wife. They may be thinking of revising that law considering what lawmaker in their right mind would convict ANY guy from throwing his ex-wife or mother-in-law off of a chairlift)
You’ve got to be strategic about your seaweed harvesting in NH. Carrying the stuff “from seashore below high-water mark” after the sun has set is a violation of the state’s fish and game provisions.
(Now this one is way too complicated for me. Ya gotta measure the high water mark and wait for the damn sun to set? My thinking…..screw harvesting seaweed……just go to the store and buy some kale.)
Wearing a bulletproof vest while committing or attempting to commit murder is an offense, because New Jersey cares more about making this a fair fight than the actual, you know, murder.
(Again, Kristen has a valid point there. Fair is fair)
If you’re performing the national anthem (or “Oh Fair New Mexico”) anywhere in this state, you’d better sing the whole thing. Half-assing the anthem is literally against the law. It must be sung or played as an entire composition – even if that means a two-minute-long riff on “land of the free.”
(NOTE to self: Never visit New Mexico especially if there’s a baseball game going on and they ask you to sing any of those songs and you don’t know the entire lyrics)
In New York, if a person “being masked or in any manner disguised by unusual or unnatural attire or facial alteration, loiters, remains or congregates in a public place with other persons so masked or disguised” then that person is an illegal loiterer.
(Second note: Never attend those New Years Eve celebrations in New York. OR, go into one of those porno shows wearing a disguise or a heavy overcoat wearing sunglasses)
In what is just another example of the Man keeping you down, stealing used kitchen grease is a crime in NC.
(Now who in their right mind would steal kitchen grease?
WAIT!!!!! Refer to this……………
You may not knowingly clone (or attempt to clone) another human in the Roughrider State.
(Hmmmm. Was there waaaay too much cloning already going on in North Dakota?)
Giving fish alcohol is prohibited here.
(Ok….like when was the last time you ever saw a drunken fish, or, sat next to a fish in a bar, or, tried to take advantage of a drunken fish that you picked up in a bar, or, smelled alcohol on a fish)
Bear wrestling and “horse tripping” events are strictly verboten in OK.
(Yep, like “I’M” gonna wrestle a freakin’ bear. Whaddya think I’m nuts. I wouldn’t even wrestle a bear in my own state for cripes sake. Now horse tripping, well, maybe…..just for laughs)
Carrying a person under the age of 18 on any external part of the car is unlawful.
Under PA’s incredibly detailed fortune-telling legislation, administering love potions or telling someone where to dig for treasure is a third-degree misdemeanor.
(OK….I dig that. Which also give me yet another excuse to insert a relevant song….)
If you intentionally bite off your friend’s arm, you will go to jail.
(This happens a lot in R.I. because the state is sooooo small people continually bump into each other while eating and it’s possible to actually bite another persons arm off while eating a sub sandwich)
Anyone under the age of 18 is forbidden from using a pinball machine.
(Because, as we all know, playing pinball machines at a young age will lead you to ball obsession and the next thing ya know you’re addicted to bowling…..or just balls)
Fireworks are entirely illegal in many part of America, but not in South Dakota. In fact, farmers are legally allowed to use them to scare birds away from their sunflowers.
(Yes….sunflowers….America’s most import crop to protect from birds)
These guys are so intent on respecting the dead, they made any “game or amusement” in cemeteries illegal, so stop trying to bring family game night to “grandpa’s resting place,” mom.
(Right Kristen……..I agree…….besides….ever try to play baseball in a cemetery with all them damn headstones in the way)
If you’re standing up, you’re only legally allowed to take three sips of beer.
(Which basically mean if ya wanna get soused and not worry about that law, drink lying down. Besides, if you do get blotto, you won’t have far to fall)
Utah’s liquor laws are notoriously insane, but by far the weirdest one concerns Zion curtains. The partitions run along restaurant bars, and bartenders are required to make drinks behind them so kids can’t see the booze. There have been many attempts to get rid of the Zion curtains, but for now, it looks like they’re staying up.
(However, because kids could still smell the booze behind those curtains, most of them who were subjected to those curtains who are now adults have severe flashbacks when their spouses hang curtains and immediately down a six-pack of Budweiser to ease the pain)
“Shooting birds for amusement” is illegal in Vermont.
(Vermont did not have cable TV service so this was their entertainment for many years. Now that they have cable, some Vermonters were still hooked on bird shooting which is why that law was passed. Because cable TV programs suck in Vermont)
We’re not sure which sarcastic jerk deemed Virginia “for lovers,” because having any kind of sex if you’re not married is a Class 4 misdemeanor. If convicted, you’d have to pay a fine of up to $250. Which is weird, because last we checked paying for sex was also against the law.
(Damn Kristen. If you’re not married they fine ya and if you buy sex they fine ya. WTF! Move the hell across the state line to West Virgina, have sex on the border while flashing that $250 and taunt the hell outta them motherf**kers)
These guys take their beer seriously. Destroying another person’s beer cask, barrel, keg, or bottle is strictly forbidden, as is filling those things without the owner’s written consent.
(Justifiable homicide if ya ask me)
Aaron Burr never could’ve landed a sweet alderman gig in the Mountain State – it’s illegal for anyone who’s engaged in a duel (or challenged someone to one, or acted as a second) to hold office.
They’re no Fife & Drum, but WI prisons do have some discerning culinary tastes. Under state law, no butter substitutes may be fed to students, patients, or inmates of any state institution unless a doctor prescribes it for their health. Suck on that, Smart Balance.
(Right on Kristen. Nothing but the best for our students and patients who are in any state institution. Oops…I forgot those inmates. Who also deserve the best. Damn…..I really gotta get locked up so I can enjoy real butter)
Taking or harming a fish with a gun is against the law in Wyoming.
So, need anymore proof legislators are complete idiots?
If so……..just watch the next round of political debates and ask yourselves….why Gawd….why?
Is the blog over? Thank Gawd……………………
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