Today’s burning (literally) subject: Kidney stones.
Actually, even though my other half is the one who should be stressed, and was, I was stressed as well. Call it “sympathy stress.”
You know what I mean, as in Bill Clinton’s famous line, “Ah feel your pain.”
Well, actually I didn’t feel her pain, but did feel her stress, which over flowed into my body which is why I got stressed.
Soooo. I haul her off to the Arctic, otherwise known as the emergency room, because I swear they keep the temperature in those rooms at 20 degrees below zero so that maybe you’ll freeze to death and they won’t have to deal with your sorry butt.
And then we sit there for hours and hours on end.
Now picture this, when ya walk (if possible) into an emergency room you think several people in white outfits immediately come rushing out with all sorts of unidentified contraptions ready to take care of you. Right!
Not so. First ya have to fill out a form at some window stating who the hell you are, (if you can function that is) and then leave it on the counter, along with the 500 other slips already there, and take a seat.
Sounds completely logical to me.
“Hey pal, whaddya cuttin’ the line for. Fill out a damn green slip like the rest of us.”
“But I have an arrow stuck in my head!”
“Oh waaa waaa waaa….think yer better than us for cripe sake. I got a freakin cold (achoo) do ya see me whining.”
So, before long they come rushing out and call her name for immediate attention.
More like, “Oh, sorry you’re not feeling well Ms. Misfit, here take a seat while we get some information from you. It’ll only take 20 or 30 minutes. I see you’re writhing in pain, um, care to lie here on the floor while I ask you a few questions.”
Sooooooo. The they ask her on a scale of 1 to 10 how bad the pain is. I’m standing in back of the clerk pointing to “10” figuring they couldn’t grasp the fact that she was doubled over and turning green.
Then, after a half hour has passed, they take her to that Arctic room I told ya about and that’s where they, (grasp this concept) “immediately” stick her with IV’s, needles, request urine samples, (which are usually free) and then someone comes in and evaluates the problem, and then sez, “we’ll be right back.”
I may note here that the “we’ll be right back” is not equated into normal human being time. Rather it is equated into hospital time which usually is one minute equals one hour…give or take an hour or two.
Meanwhile, I’m freezing my butt off because it’s so cold in that room while she’s wrapped in a nice warm blanket, which doesn’t matter to her because she’s so sick she could give a rats ass about.
Now, once again, to equate hospital emergency room time into human time, we got there at 11:00 pm. She was admitted (meaning she was going to enjoy a stay at the hospital overnight) at 3am. It was determined that she had a rather large kidney stone and needed to have a stint placed somewhere….again….my guess……the Aretha Franklin area.
Why so long a time between getting there and being admitted. Who TF knows. But I do recall the cops dragging in a guy with a possible gunshot wound who left long before us. Go figure.
Special dispensation for criminals I guess. I probably should have said I was Whitey Bulger and my other half was my moll.
So they wheel her away to her room and I head home figuring there was nothing else I could do at that point.
The next day after determining that she indeed did have a kidney stone lodged within her Aretha, they stick in a stint, (not something you do, like a stint as an auto mechanic or something) and discharged her a few hours later.
Until we get home and she’s nauseous and in severe pain, BUT, like the trooper she is, hangs in till 11pm that night when we trek back to the ER and go thru the same filling out green slips of paper and how is your pain on a scale of 1 to 10 process.
I did ask them if they had a scale of how stressed or irritated I was with their system but they just sneered at me, so I kinda slithered off to the back of the room lest they inject me with some drug to shut me the f**k up.
Back to the Arctic room again for 6 lonnnnnnnnng cold hours.
All so that they could once again stick her with needles and IV’s as she’s barfing while attempting to explain to them that “I’M IN PAIN YOU FREAKIN’ IDIOTS….GIMMIE SOMETHING FOR THE PAIN! AND THE BARFING!!!!”
FINALLY……they gave her some new meds to replace the previous meds they had given to her to ease the pain and nausea which obviously did not work and we were on our way. Did I mention it was 6 hours later? Oh…yeah…..but it seemed like days.
So, what have I learned from this experience visiting the emergency room.
First, wear a parka with a hood and some long johns. Secondly bring food to hold you while you’re there. Couple of ham or baloney sandwiches. Thirdly, wear dark glasses, realllly dark glasses and perhaps some ear plugs so that if you have a tendency to get a bit queasy in hospitals what with all that barfing, yelling, moaning and “OH MY GOD” screaming going on it won’t bother you.
And lastly, ketchup. Lots of ketchup.
No, not to put on your sandwiches.
But to smear all over your body before you even enter the emergency room so that they’ll think you were in a serious accident or shot several times and you can get around filling out that green slip or telling them how you feel on a scale from 1 to 10.
Betcha they take ya in reallll fast.
Just threw this in for the hell of it…………………….needed a shot of R & R…
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