I was a little bit slow on the uptake this month listing some of the most important Days in the month of August that you should be celebrating. Soreeeee.
So you already missed out on “National Mustard Day,” National Raspberry Cream Pie Day,” “Friendship Day,” “International Forgiveness Day,” “National Ice Cream Sandwich Day,” “Sisters Day,” “National Watermelon Day,” “U.S. Coast Guard Day,” “Work Like A Dog Day,” “Wiggle Your Toes Day, ” and “National Lighthouse Day.”
So, let’s celebrate all those days I failed to list so that you could partake in the festivities by simply doing this:
Take out a jar of mustard along with a raspberry cream pie and a ice cream sandwich and sit down with a friend and forgive them if they said something to offend you while mixing the mustard, raspberry and ice cream sandwich together while your sister looks on as she eats watermelon while perhaps you’re all in a rowboat drifting aimlessly at sea and working hard to get back to shore using your wiggling toes to paddle towards the safety of a lighthouse but fail to make it and the Coast Guard has to rescue your asses.
There, that should cover it all.
Now for the ones you still have time to celebrate. Providing the Coast Guard hasn’t thrown all of you into the brig for being so stupid.
The 11th of August is “Presidential Joke Day.” OMFG….so many presidential jokes, sooooo little time. But…..what the hell…………….
(Ronald Reagan) Speaking to surgeons as he entered the operating room following a 1981 assassination attempt: “I hope you’re all republicans.”
(George H. Bush) “These stories about my intellectual capacity really get under my skin. You know, for a while I thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule first thing every morning it said, “Intelligence Briefing.”
(Barack Obama) “There are a few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate.”
(Bill Clinton) “Being president is like running a cemetery: you’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening.”
The 16th is “National Tell A Joke Day.” Soooooo, I have dredged out my all time favorite joke to pass on to you this day:
An elderly woman goes to the eye doctor for her yearly eye exam.
The doc pulls down the chart and asks her to read the very bottom line which are very small letters.
“Can ya read this line Mrs. Grosnick?”
“Um….no….can’t make out any of those letters.”
So the doc goes on to the next set of letters, which are slightly larger and asks her if she can see those. She, of course can’t read any of them either.
So he then goes to the next set of letters which are much larger and she still can’t make them out.
Frustrated, the doc goes to the very top of the letter chart where the letters are quite large and asks her if she can read them. She again says that she can’t make out any of those either.
So the doc turns around, faces her, unzips his fly and whips out his Johnson and says to her, “CAN YA SEE THIS!!!!!!!!”
She replies, “Oh Gawd…..I can see that!!!!””
To which the doc replies, “Damn, I thought so…..you’re cockeyed.”
The 20th is also “National Radio Day.” That is if any of you can (other than old geezers) can remember what a radio is. Or who Joey Reynolds is.
WAIT! Damn…..”I” remember Joey. From his days at WKBW in Buffalo, N.Y. Oh yeah, and for this:
August 22nd is “National Tooth Fairy Day.” (this has nothing to do with gay pride) Unless you happen to be a gay person and have a really great set of teeth and can tell the tooth fairy to go f**k him or herself. Or me, for that matter for that lame joke.
(Sorrrree….couldn’t help myself on that one)
“National Dog Day” is celebrated on August 26th. You may celebrate this by taking your dog out to a fine restaurant, OR, if you’re married to a dog, or dating one, so to speak, you can do the same thing. May I suggest Alpo ala crepe for desert.
This next day is for all men who dread the “because” response from women when ya ask them a question and expect a logical answer. “The 27th is “Just Because Day.” So, men, DO NOT ask any question that you expect a logical answer to from any woman on this day. Or any day for that matter.
Finally, the 30th is “Frankenstein Day.” Celebrated with great pomp and circumstance by Senator Al Franken (D-Minn) and his family, as well as the residents of Transylvania. Great day for wooden peg, tar and feather, and burning torch merchants.
So there ya have if for yet another month of great festivities. Knock yourselves out.
My choice………I’m personally gonna celebrate “National Dog Day” and thank Gawd all of the dogs I dated in my lifetime I managed to escape from with little or no difficulty. Dog bones helped.
Then, on the other hand, not being a looker myself back when, they’re probably thinking the same thing about me. (sniff)
“Honeeeee……come here….I need a bigggg hug. Oh,and bring me some of those “Beggin’ Strips” too.”
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