So like every time this year I like to use that old NASA saying, “Houston, we have a problem.”
Specifically when it comes to a disagreement my other half and I have regarding the official start of summer.
To her, (official date of Summer’s beginning aside, which was June 21 at 12:38 P.M. EDT.) It’s when the temperature is above 60 degrees. At which point she and I battle over removing our electric blanket. (I usually hold out till mid July)
Now to me, the official start of Summer occurs when I rummage through my bureau and find a pair of decent shorts to wear because it’s sooooooooo hot and the humidity makes me sweat, which I normally do not do. Unless I’m working in the yard, which I normally do not do. Or having torrid sex, which ain’t gonna happen in my lifetime………………. anymore.
So, I go to my bureau, whip out my favorite pair of denim shorts, and SHAZAM!!! Summer is officially here…………as far as I’m concerned.
“Honeeee. You can take the electric blanket off of the bed now.”
“OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!” (she sez sarcastically)
So, I head out to the yard to survey my ongoing battle with those motherf**king invasive vines, strangle the bejesus outta several of them, and feel some sort of a demented satisfaction.
She comes out, eyes me prancing gleefully around with my Darth Vader gardening gloves holding dead limp vines and smirks at me.
So I sez, WHAT?
“You’re wearing “THOSE” shorts again.”
“I can see your johnson.”
“What! No you can’t You’re exaggerating. Ya can’t see my johnson because I’m wearing BVD jockey shorts under these shorts so THERE!”
“Well, I don’t want ya wearing those in public cause I can imagine seeing your johnson.”
“IN PUBLIC! IN PUBLIC! WTF! Where the hell do ya see any “public” in our backyard?”
“That’s NOT the point. If you WERE in public they could see, um, I mean imagine they could see your johnson.
(Thinking to myself, insert cartoon here to make a subtle point)
Now folks, step back for a sec here. First of all, in my own defense, I’m not Tom Selleck, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, or any other hunk you’d probably yearn to catch a glimpse of their johnsons.
I’m a freakin’ senior for cripes sake. Ya wanna see a senior johnson….go to a freakin’ rest home or a WalMart. They’re readily available, along with a few butts too.
Do ya think anybody cares if a senior citizen flashes their johnsons? Do ya? Cept the police pervert squad maybe. But in my backyard? I thinkith not Einstein.
So, to keep the peace, I agreed not to wear my favorite denim shorts outside lest the neighbors freak out, little children run in horror, and small animals, (including birds on our bird feeder) become violently ill.
I sure hope this humid weather doesn’t last very long. Not being able to wear those shorts outside is driving me nuts. I’M FREAKIN’ HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hmmmmm. Maybe I can convince her to join a nudist colony. Solve the johnson/shorts problem. Ya think?
“I” can’t even stand the site of another naked senior citizen…..and I AM one.
(checking calendar…how many days till fall)
Oh yeah….one final thought………………………….
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