I freely admit to subscribing to TIME magazine. Only because I have plenty of TIME to read TIME and they give me some good subscription rates one month before my TIME subscription runs out, which gives me enough TIME to renew before my TIME runs out.
I keep it in my bathroom because I don’t have TIME to read ANYTHING anywhere else because my TIME is otherwise filled with doing other stuff that takes up all of my TIME. Like spending TIME fixing things around the house that require most of my TIME
So, that said, which I just did, my TIME magazine is part of my TIME spent in my bathroom. Which is where I read the July 8/13 (double issue) of TIME which was about answers.
Yes, answers to questions that we all wonder about. Well, at least some of them when it comes to WTF I want answers to.
For instance, and keep in mind this is a double issue and it’s 110 pages from cover to cover, that the only answers I was interested in were the following:
First of all, (page 43)I was intrigued by the answer that TIME received when they asked the people who put together this issue if they enjoyed working on this issue. Their response….99% said yes.
Why? My guess is because that 1% who said no are no longer working at TIME. Duh.
Now I’ve written in the past about “ear worms” which are songs that get stuck in your head after you’ve obviously heard that song. Like “Just A Gigolo” which I posted on one of my blogs a week or two ago and has been in my head ever since.
So TIME posted: (page 45)”How do I get this stupid song out of my head?”
Their answer: “Try chewing gum, which one study found led to 60%reduction in thoughts about earworms”
Really! Chewing gum? Really TIME? Guess what……..after two days of chewing Mentos that freakin’ song is still there!
What! You guys at TIME have stock in a chewing gum company or something. Bastards.
Answer: “Most scientists say the egg, which has been around for 100 million years.”
Oh sure…….safe bet on that one TIME. You damn well know nobody can check THAT one out. And if a scientist sez it’s true, it’s gotta be right. Just like if it’s on the Internet, it’s gotta be true. Bonjour.
According to stats that TIME gathered, the safest place to sit on a plane is the middle seats in the rear third of the plane and then last row having an advantage because passengers sitting there are closest to the exit.
Which makes me wonder. If that’s the case, then why the hell aren’t the pilots flying the plane from back there? Makes sense to me.
(Page 59) ” Who is America’s youngest female billionaire?”
“At 31, Elizabeth Holmes, (no relation to Sherlock) the founder of blood-diagnostics company Theranos, is worth $4.6 billion.”
I’m thinking that now that TIME posted that, Elizabeth is gonna be getting mucho calls from a lot of single guys. My opening line if I met her in a bar would be, “Hey Liz baybee….wanna diagnose my blood…heh, heh.”
Then there’s the stats on the Dalai Lama on page 64.
Did ya know that the Dalai Lama spends 6.5 hours meditating. (Most likely because TV reception sucks where he lives.) He wakes up every day at 3am and once again meditates and does light exercise. (boy, TV reception really sucks) Then, he turns in at 7pm every night. (somebody has gotta get this guy a satellite dish)
Their next question on page 67 was, “What’s love got to do with it?”
My answer would have been Tina Turner, but I was wrong.
Their answer was,”From 1971 to 2011, 80% of Billboard Year-End Hot 100 singles included themes of romantic or sexual desire.”
Of course….what else is there to life!
(page 67) “Which country has the fastest Internet?”
“At an average end-user speed of 23.6 megabits per second, South Korea’s Internet is the world’s fastest.”
Which completely explains why, when checking my hits immediately after posting this blog, I get 50 to 60 hits from South Korea and three hours later some from North Korea who obviously are stealing some of South Korea’s megabits.
It also explains why, when watching videos on my computer, it takes me 15 minutes to watch a one minute video. (buffering)
Also on page 67, “What’s the healthiest vegetable.”
Answer: “Watercress has then highest density of the 17 most important vitamins and minerals.”
Blach!!! Looks like I’m not gonna live a long life.
“Why don’t we (achoo) have a cure for the (achoo) common cold?” (page 69)
There were a lot of reasons listed but, to me, I’m going with the one at the bottom of the page that said, “Lack of Incentive.” Meaning that those drug companies are too busy making and researching new drugs for more important stuff that will bring in bigggg bucks and forever benefit mankind . Like Viagra.
Hey, I got a cold but I can still get a hard on. Achooooooo!
Bear with me here folks. We’re getting closer to the end of this blog and finding out everything we ever wanted to know.
“What are we most afraid of.” (page 89)
Answer: Walking alone at night.”
Really? Walking alone at night. Well for cripes sakes Americans, don’t freakin’ walk alone at night. Drive or take a damn cab. Problem solved. Geesh!
“What’s the world’s most deadliest creature?” (page 92) Besides your mother-in-law.
According to the “World Health Organization” and a few other sources TIME cited, the world’s deadliest creature is the mosquito. They are responsible for 755,000 deaths per year.
I personally would have gone with the “assassin bug” that they listed only because I’ve watched a lot of those Godfadder movies and I know how deadly Mafia hit men are.
Finally, (whew) on page 97 “What we are not known for.”
Which means TIME looked at all the U.S. States and said to themselves, ” Yeah, they’re known for being a bunch of lunatics in THAT state, but let’s not piss anyone off and go for the weird stuff.” (will not mention what state I think that one is)
So I chose the most weirdest states that are NOT known for stuff….like…..
Connecticut: “The largest collection of human brain specimens on display in the U.S.”
Ya never know when you’re gonna need a spare brain if ya live in Connecticut.
Hawaii: “Most sleep deprived state.”
Makes sense to me. If I lived in Hawaii after living in Connecticut I’d sure as hell wanna stay awake as long as I could and enjoy EVERYTHING. Unlike Connecticut where I tend to sleep 18 hours out of a 24 hour day.
Illinois: “Home of the largest cookie factory. Nabisco.
So THAT’S where those #!@&^%$#! computer cookies come from.
Iowa: “Largest population of pigs which outnumber humans. ” Thank Gawd, I thought they were talkin’ about hookers.
Kansas: “Most online porn views per capita.” Which basically means that there’s nothing to do in Kansas but look at porn all day. Hey…ya can only pick so much corn.
North Carolina: “Highest rate of snake bites of any state.” Which reminds me of this joke.
Tex and Hoot were sitting around the campfire. Tex got up to take a leak when all of a sudden this big rattlesnake but him on his penis.
Tex yells out to Hott to ride into town quickly and find a doctor that might have an antidote before it’s too late.
Hoot rides into town, finds a doctor and asks him for help.
The doctor sez, “Well, I don’t have an antidote, but if ya wanna save his life I suggest you ride back as fast as you can and suck the wound to get rid of the poison or your friend will surely die.”
So Hoot rides back as fast as he can and rushes over to Tex’s side.
“Hoot! Hoot” What did the doc say?”
“Sez yer gonna die Tex.”
Vermont: “Has the highest percentage of cat owners.” Which leads me to believe they also have the lowest percentage of mice. And the highest sales of litter boxes.
And finally, Montana. Is NOT known for but is true……..it’s where the largest snowflake ever was observed. The people in Montana are very bored as well.
So, my apologies for this really long blog, but, blame TIME. Like Kansas and Montana, they must have been verrrry bored when they put that issue together.
Good bathroom reading though.
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