(NOTE) I wrote this blog back on July 14, 2014. Ironically someone commented on it today, almost one year later. Which proves I am most likely in a time warp.
Anyhow, also, “ironically,” once again my other half kept me awake until 2am. Must be a “July” thing or something.
This time it was noises from the incinerator across the street that kept her awake. I was fine….until she poked me and said, “Hey, do ya hear that…WTF is it?”
Of course I was just about asleep, considering I could actually sleep anywhere, anytime, or anyplace. Point: I once fell asleep standing up while on guard duty while in the U.S. Army.
So, once again my brain, for the second July in a year, is mush. Read last year’s blog and you’ll understand why.
(Reprise from July 2014)
Some days when it comes to writing this blog, it’s rather difficult due to the fact that I live with a woman who defies logic. And, I’m sure most men will agree with me that attempting to use logic with ANY woman is a lost cause.
Now let me explain to you why, on this Monday morning, my brain is total mush.
BECAUSE I CAN’T GET A FREAKIN’ GOOD NIGHTS SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It went like this last night. We both turned in around 11PM and, as usual, discussed our day just to unwind before zonking off.
You know, important stuff like how many times one of the cats barfed. How come those yahoos across the street at the local bar feel it necessary to yell at each other while carrying on a conversation. Why, at the same bar, all motorcyclists upon leaving the establishment at 1am feel it necessary to rev their engines 200 times before leaving…..stuff like that.
Oh yeah, and our usual nightly discussion of why is it the Red Sox suck big time this year. Which we both agree is due to the fact that nobody on that team gives a rats ass because their owner John Henry is too busy fooling around with his new toy, “The Boston Globe” and has more interest in soccer than baseball.
Soooo, after about 15 minutes, once she gets into all the things I should be doing around the house that need repairing, I’m ready to zone out.
So, I roll over and go into my fantasy about being alone on a desert island with Sofia Vergara, and a years supply of canned SPAM, (every mans dream fantasy) and jussssst as I’m about to pounce on Sofia, after eating my SPAM sandwich, she, (my other half and not Sofia) begins flopping around in bed.
A sure sign that she can’t sleep…..which is the norm 365 nights a year.
Soooo, I ask her a logical question.
“Dear, why can’t you sleep for cripes sake!”
“I’m bored.” she replies.
“BORED!!!! BORED!!! WTF!
“WHAT! Ya wanna be entertained so you can go to sleep or somethin?”
Now, to me, never having to be entertained so that I can go to sleep, her response seemed totally illogical to me. In fact….kinda stupid. I mean, who the f**k thinks about being bored when they’re trying to go to sleep?
Sleep is sleep. Which is what you’re supposed to do when ya get in bed for the night. Not worry about being so bored you can’t go to sleep. Ya wanna be un bored, stay up for cripes sake and let ME sleep. Which, on many occasions she does do.
Which usually amounts to her getting outta bed and sitting in the kitchen playing solitaire. Talk about boring.
If “I” got outta bed at 1am because “I” was bored and went to play solitaire in the kitchen that’s exactly where you’d find me at 6am with my head on the table and a playing card stuck between my bloodshot eyeballs.
Meanwhile, because SHE was bored, and I’m laying there trying to understand the logic of all this, she once again heads out to the kitchen to get un bored playing that stupid card game.
Which is ok with me because then I can peacefully roll over, once again summon up my images of Sofia and my case of SPAM, and FINALLY fall asleep. Of course by then its way past 2am and I know that the next day my brain will be mush……as it is now…….and I’m writing this inane blog.
But ya know the worst part of all this insomnia/bored stuff. I help create it.
Yep, I’m responsible, just like Obama is responsible for EVERYTHING that goes wrong, for creating this insomniac monster.
Well, ya see, she not only is bored at night but also hears things that go bump in the night. And, of course has to wake me to tell me that she hears things.
BUT….do ya think she heard anything the night my truck was broken into? Noooooooooo! Snorked like a champ THAT night.
So, what do I do….yep, installed sensor lights in my driveway to scare away any zombies, werewolves, and truck thieves.
Not thinking that if a stray skunk, raccoon, cat or flying moth trip the senor the 1,000,0000 watt lights would come on. Which then sends my other half into a panic, at which point she wakes me up, (usually 4 out of five nights) and I have to investigate the scene………and never discover any band of roaming thieves looting and pillaging my truck.
So I’ve, on a number of occasions, I attempted to explain to her that unless she hears noises and the cats are running around looking out the windows when the lights go on, she should not panic. Do ya think that “logic” works? Of course not.
So that’s why you have this stupid useless non sensical blog today. Which also explains why I could never write the great American novel.
Unless it was entitled, “Mystery At Midnight: The Solitaire Card Murder Case.”
Might be on to something here.
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