Battling The Vine……..Subtitled: I’ll get you, you creepy bastards.

This year I was determined to go full hog and spare no time or effort battling those invasive vines in my yard.

My last effort at going "full hog."

My last effort at going “full hog.”

Of course, I had put this chore of as long as I could because I still think Blackie the Snake is out there somewhere just waiting for me to be crouched low to the ground and then pounce on me.

But, those !$#@%@! vines were strangling everything, including my row of forsythia bushes which served as a nice fence line in the backyard.  So, time to go into Def Con One. Blackie or no Blackie the Snake.

So, for the past three weeks I’ve been chopping, hacking, pulling, and strangling those motherf**king vines.

Before my vine assault

Before my vine assault

Mission accomplished!

Preparing for the massacre

Preparing for the massacre

Um, but now I only have one forsythia bush left.

Hey! With on stinkin' bush left I thought I'd get creative

Hey! With one stinkin’ bush left I thought I’d get creative

BUT…..the yard really looks great. I can even wave to my neighbors, who I couldn’t see before because of all those vines intermingled with the forsythia. Or the huge construction equipment my neighbor has at the edge of my backyard. Or the tons of fallen trees he’s chopped down. Or the wild antics of the neighbors waaaaay in the back when they throw some really weird partys. Or the various animals I can now spot crossing all that open space.

But…it looks nice.

So, I decided to transplant tiny forsythias in place of the ones that the vines had killed.

Now here’s the problem here folks. Those $#%@! vines are pretty sneaky. I transplant a forsythia, and SHAZAM!….a invasive vine pops up. WTF!


I TOLD YA!!!! Those freakin’ vines are dangerous

So now I’m relegated to taking daily trips out to the yard and yanking up those freakin’ vines. And….they keep coming back. Bastards.

Sooooo, to solve that problem I yank up the damn roots and strangle them to death. With great perverted satisfaction, mind you.

Now this is all baffling to me. I can’t get grass to grow in spots in my yard. Even Scotts EZ Seed wants no part of growing in my yard. Get this….the only thing that will grow in MY yard is forsythia bushes and that damn vine.


I told ya they are invasive!!!

Sooooooo. After almost a month of strangling, chopping, digging, pulling and laughing uncontrollably at the suffering I’ve inflicted on those vines, along with being covered in dirt from head to foot, and not being allowed in the house till I strip down to my BVD’s, thereby making the neighbors call the perv squad, I have decided to give up.

Yep……if it means my yard will be taken over by those SOB vines just to get privacy back in my yard………I give in. Even my last valiant attempt failed………………..

Seemed like a good idea at the time

Seemed like a good idea at the time

Besides, I’m tired of explaining to the police that the only reason I’m running around in my backyard in my BVD’s is because my other half won’t let me in the house.

They bought it once, but they did give me a lot of dirty looks.

Along with a warning that if they got any more complaints they were gonna haul my butt off to the slammer and I’d be doing community service pulling up invasive vines along the highway.

!@$#@!^%# Vines.....

!@$#@!^%# Vines…..

Sometimes ya just can’t win.

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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4 Responses to Battling The Vine……..Subtitled: I’ll get you, you creepy bastards.

  1. katydidknot says:

    This sounds like the sort of battle taht George W. Bush used to fight at his Crawford ranch. That guy was always clearing brush.

    He ended up just selling the ranch.

  2. That’s like World War Three in your garden!

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