Corn Flakes Stops You From Masturbating? Ya can’t make this stuff up…honest!

“The Daily Kos” and contributor Lenny Flank have completely ruined my breakfast staple….corn flakes.

The opening line of this story says it all:

“Corn flakes cereal is a staple on breakfast tables all over the world. Today it is marketed as a healthy part of a balanced breakfast. But corn flakes were originally invented by a fanatically religious doctor as a way to stop people from masturbating.”

NOW we know why....

NOW we know why….

Soooooo, I figured I’d better check this story out, lest I feel the urge to masturbate, and for some odd reason, (eating corn flakes) I can’t get it up.

(excerpts from “The Daily Kos” are in quotations)

“In 1894, two brothers, Dr John Harvey Kellogg and Will Keith “WK” Kellogg, were running a sanitarium and health spa in the town of Battle Creek, Michigan. John was the Superintendent, and WK was the bookkeeper. Among the treatments offered at the sanitarium/hospital for various ailments were hot and cold water baths, hydro-therapy with water enemas, electric-current therapy, light therapy using both sunlight and artificial lamps, and a regimen of exercise and massage. Among the more famous of the hospital’s clients through the 1910’s and 1920’s were President Warren G Harding, actor Johnny Weissmuller, Henry Ford, Amelia Earhart, Sojourner Truth, and Mary Todd Lincoln.”

Oooooooooooo, “hydro-therapy” with water enemas and electric-current therapy. Dick Cheney’s kinda health spa.

Especially the corn flakes

Especially the corn flakes

“Both of the Kellogg brothers were Seventh-Day Adventists, a fundamentalist church emphasizing strict Biblical literalism and clean living, and their religious beliefs had a huge influence on many of their “treatments”. The Adventists believed in maintaining the purity of the “body’s temple”, and forbade the use of caffeine, alcohol and nicotine. They were also strict vegetarians.”

Ok, so far, other than those hydro-therapy enemas and electric current treatments, what’s corn flakes and masturbation have to do with all this?

“Dr John Kellogg, however, took the Adventist faith in the purity of the body to an even further extreme. He was firmly convinced that sex itself was impure and harmful–and most especially the “solitary vice”, the “self-pollution” of masturbation.”

Cripes…….”self-pollution? Boy was “I” very polluted as a teenager.

Worse case of masturbation self pollution we've seen Doc

Worse case of masturbation self-pollution we’ve seen Doc

Onward…………

“Kellogg married, but never consummated the union–he and his wife had separate bedrooms, and they adopted all their children.”

Hmmmm………….never consummated the union and had separate bedrooms? Good reason to masturbate if ya ask me. Then again, he was against masturbation, so WTF?

WAIT! Oh I get it. He was eating his own Corn Flakes.

“Kellogg became famous across the country for his books condemning sex, promoting celibacy, and luridly describing the evil health effects of “onanism”, which included everything from epilepsy to mood swings to dementia. “Neither plague, nor war, nor small-pox,” he thundered in one of his anti-sex books, “have produced results so disastrous to humanity as the pernicious habit of onanism. Such a victim dies literally by his own hand.” Among the “treatments” that Kellogg proposed for masturbation were piercing the foreskin with silver wires to prevent erections, and using carbolic acid to burn the clitoris so it wouldn’t be touched.”

Oh Gawd…..I can see all men now cringing. Not to mention Tony the Tiger.cornflakes7

“But another part of his anti-sex and anti-masturbation “treatment” came from his traditional Adventist reliance on vegetarianism. Kellogg convinced himself that eating meats and spicy foods increased the desire for sex, and forbade any of them at his sanitarium.”

So THAT’S why I love sex so much. All those hamburgers, hot dogs, crushed red pepper and chili on my food. Who woulda guessed. (it’s worse for me in the summer months when I eat a lot of spicy foods)

BUT, after all that hot food, dessert helped……………..um, kinda………..cornflakes8

So, what did Mr. Kellogg do?

“Instead, he prescribed a bland tasteless diet containing mostly whole grains and nuts. In this, he was following the earlier lead of Presbyterian religious fanatic Sylvester Graham, who had invented the whole-wheat graham cracker as part of a diet that would reduce people’s sexual desire and stop them from both copulating and masturbating. Kellogg now attempted to make his own anti-sex food, by mixing corn meal and oatmeal into dough, adding nuts, and baking them into biscuits which were then crumbled into pieces. He called it “granula”. Unfortunately for Kellogg, that name was already being used by another health food fanatic with a similar product, and he threatened to sue–so Kellogg changed the name of his concoction to “granola”.

So let me see if I completely understand Kellogg’s reasoning here folks. If I eat corn meal, with oatmeal with nuts and make them into biscuits which form granula I won’t feel the urge to masturbate or even desire sex?

(NOTE: Do not buy any cereal with nuts or corn meal in it. Otherwise I might also come down with a severe case of “grape nuts)

And others have a severe case of "grape nuts" from not wearing protection

And others have a severe case of “grape nuts” from not wearing protection

Now the story of how “non-masturbating” corn flakes came into the picture.

“The Kellogg brothers also experimented with different types of bread, and with using whole-grain dough to make thin rolled sheets of toasted crackers. One day, after just having cooked some wheat for rolling, they were unexpectedly called away. When they got back, they ran the cooled wheat through the rollers, and each grain was flattened into an individual flake. It was, they thought, a wonderful health food. In 1898 they tried the same process using corn instead of wheat, and “corn flakes” were born.”

So, rather than saying to himself, “eureka” I just invented a cereal that people will love, Kellogg, being a tad off the grid, thought to himself, “Hey, if I serve this to my patients at the sanitarium, I can cleanse their bodies and reduce those pervs sex drive.”

Fortunately for us cereal lovers, and fans of Tony the Tiger, his bookkeeper brother WK, was less religious than his brother and most likely said to himself, “Corn Flakes, hmmmm, me thinkith I could make a gazillion dollars selling this cereal to the public. Screw those nut jobs in the sanitarium…..and my wingnut brother too.”cornflakes5

So WK, after much arguing with his brother, patented their flake cereal forming a company called, “Sanitas Food Company,” which I assume they brilliantly came up with that name considering they were in a SANITARIUM, and sold their flakes to a lot of former patients of the sanitarium who were flakes themselves.

Most likely because a lot of them, after leaving the sanitarium and not having access to corn flakes, were masturbating a lot and needed the cereal to curb their urges. Makes sense to me.

And, as to how the flakes, um, the cereal and not the Kellogg brothers, came to be what we now know it as today…………………

“Finally in 1906, in frustration, WK Kellogg purchased the rights to make “corn flakes” from his brother, changed the recipe, and set up the Battle Creek Toasted Corn Flake Company. After a long legal battle with his brother over the use of the name “Kellogg”, this became the Kellogg Cereal Company, adding Bran Flakes to its product list in 1915 and Rice Krispies in 1927.”

Do ya think when Kellogg’s figured out that Corn Flakes and Bran Flakes really didn’t stop people from masturbating that’s when they said, “screw it!,” and when they actually caught one of their patients masturbating their image immediately was, “Snap, Crackle and Pop” and came up with the idea for Rice Krispies. Again, makes sense to me.cornflakes2

And, the final piece of this story……

“By 1930, the Kellogg Cereal Company was the largest breakfast cereal maker in the world. Its primary competition, the Post Cereal Company, had been founded by CW Post–a former patient at the Kellogg Sanitarium, who, WK Kellogg always claimed, had stolen the recipe for corn flakes from the hospital’s safe. Today, Kellogg’s Corn Flakes are the best-selling breakfast cereal in the US.”

Which raises a few questions. 1. Being in that sanitarium, did CW Post come up with the idea for “Grape Nuts” because he had a big pair after not being able to masturbate from eating Corn flakes? 2. Did Post really steal the recipe for Corn Flakes or was he simply trying to find some porno magazines? 3. Is THIS the reason your mom always told you to wash your hands before eating cereal?

Lest this happen to you………………..cornflakes11

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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