I get asked this question constantly by my friends, all three of them.
“Hey…..how come you don’t have a smartphone?”
To which I reply. “Because my dumb phone works just fine thank you.”
Then they go into explaining all the wonderful things I can do if only I had a smartphone.
“Hey, you can download all sorts of neat things and get all the information you need right at your fingertips in a flash.”
“Ya mean like all of the information I presently get now in a flash on my computer?”
“Yeah, cept you can get all that information when you’re away from your computer, say like out doing errands, or at the doctor’s office, or driving in your car.”
So I’m thinking to myself, why?
Do I really need to be THAT connected to EVERYTHING at ALL times?”
The answer would be…NO!
Now look folks, I’m no dummy.I completely understand that some people need to be connected to the world every second of the day. So much so that they even sleep with their smartphones.
Look, if I’m gonna sleep with anything it’s gonna be my other half. And if I’m gonna push ANY buttons, it’s damn well gonna be hers. And vice versa. AND…..I’m not gonna get billed for it either.
I do not need to be connected 24/7/365 to anything! Unless it’s a damn oxygen tank so I can breathe.
Do I need to text? F**k no. Why should I text someone when I can talk to them. Seems logical to me.
“Hello, Bobby, this is Misfit, ya wanna come over and help me move a ten ton log?”
“Um, ok, but why don’t ya text me with the details.”
“WHAT! I just told ya, come on over and help me move a freakin’ log.”
“Oh, yeah, but if ya texted me I could have read it without talking to you directly and had time to think about how I could get out of helping you move that log without having to give you an answer cause you were actually live on the phone.”
“Soooo, yer sayin’ that texting allows you to avoid answering me directly.”
Now this texting stuff I worry about constantly. Not because I don’t know how to do it, I just don’t want to. What worries me is the idiots who feel that instead of talking on their cell phones while driving and watching the road, they’d rather text message their friends while driving and not watch the road.
I’m constantly worried that I’ll become a windshield wiper bug someday while out getting my mail at my rural mailbox which is 2 feet from the road and some idiot will be texting and not paying attention and the next thing ya know……………..
Do I need all the other fantastic wonderful stuff a smartphone or smartwatch can do? NO!
I look at my watch, see what time it is, end of freakin’ story.
I don’t give a rats ass about my pulse. (I’m breathing, that tells me I’m still alive)
I don’t care what the weather is gonna be. (I look out the window…how damn simple it that)
Do I need to scan my smartphone on something I wanna buy? (what, no price tag on it?)
Take photos. (my dumb phone already does that thank you)
Do I constantly wanna run my finger over a smartphone’s screen to find something? (hey, that’s why I have a lot of those sticky “Post-It” note pads ya dummy)
And WTF is with butt dialing? Do ya wanna know how many times my friend Bobby has butt dialed me.
“Hey Bob, ya just called me and all I heard was some funny sounds, kinda like somebody playing the tuba.”
“No, I didn’t call you. I might have inadvertently butt dialed ya.”
“Um….ok…..but, what was that tuba sound then?”
“Oh that. Well I was in the bathroom and because I don’t want to be outta touch with the world I strap my smartphone to my side and possibly when I was sitting on the John I sat on the phone and it dialed you and those tuba sounds were……”
“WAIT! I don’t wanna know.”
Now to put this in perspective for all of you smartass smartphone geeks, I was completely contented with 45 rpm records eons ago. Then I had to buy 8-tracks, then cassettes, then CD’s, then iPods, then download all that stuff into my computer.
Sooooo how much cash did I spend upgrading all this new tech stuff? Hundreds most likely.
Now the only thing I will admit to wanting to upgrade to is the way I receive my television programming. Only because those bastards at Comcast keep raising my cable bill and I only watch a total of 8 different TV channels. Seems logical to me I should only be paying eight bucks to watch eight channels.
Like, do I really need the “Al Jazeera” channel? I don’t even know anybody named Al.
So I AM looking into my options there.
Besides, ya can’t kill anybody in a car while you’re driving if you upgrade your television service using something like the Amazon Fire Stick, Chrome or Hulu.
Unless……..unless you’re a complete idiot and insist on texting while your driving, watching TV and eating a Whopper from Burger King and feeding your dog scraps while yelling at little Johnny and Sally for making too much noise while you’re driving and attempting to key in your driving directions on to you GPS system while attempting to find alternative rock music on your radio.
In which case that headline would then read……….
“TOTALLY CONNECTED GUY DRIVING A SMART CAR INVOLVED IN HIGH TECH ACCIDENT” AP: The bad news. Due to the severity of the accident hospital officials say they were unable to remove a Bluetooth device from the victims rectum along with a smartphone that was lodged in his ear.
The good news. They were successful in reattaching his texting finger which was found on his smartphone. The victims texting finger is doing quite well after surgery, but doctors advised the person that he will now have to stick his head up his ass if he wishes to use Bluetooth connectivity.
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