Now I personally consider myself a very logical person. I weigh all my options when it comes to making decisions, which is why I let my other half make those trivial decisions like what bills to pay each month, what groceries we’re gonna buy, what TV programs we’re gonna watch and when we have sex.
Me on the other hand, because I really understand logic, I get to decide the major important things like when we’re going to launch a major attack on ISIS, how to solve the government deficit, and launch my own investigation into Hillary Clinton’s e-mails.
Which is why I was given the important task of figuring out how to prevent water from coming into our basement from the 50 feet of snow presently melting in our yard.
Now, MY logic last year was to build a higher lip over our basement stoop so that the water would not be able to rise over the doorway and slither in thereby flooding our basement.
But, not having the final say in such an important matter, I was overruled by my other half because, as she logically put it, “Hey you damn idiot….we won’t be able to open the door if ya do that!”
To which I replied, “But dear, I’ll cut the door at the bottom so it clears the riser I build..”
To which she replied, “That’s stupid.” (women logic…..which men should NEVER challenge)
Fast forward to this year as water, and a few unidentified slithery creatures came swimming under that door, and I casually mention my idea from last year.
To which she replies, “Welllllllllll, it’s tooooo late now!” Can ya see where I’m going with this?
Sooooo. Here we are with water pouring in as the temperatures rise with no place for the water to go considering the ground is saturated. What does water do then? Yep….head for our basement.
Sooooooo. I pump the water out with my handy-dandy Frosdernker 50,000 sump pump, and SHAZAM! The water is gone. Yep…..pumped that water out into the yard just in time to make room for more water.
Now I repeat this process several times until I say to myself, “WTF…….this is like shoveling shit against the tide.” (my logic)
(her logic) “But dear, you gotta keep doing that.” As I stand outside and gaze at that 4 foot high bank of snow and the 3 feet still on my roof, which at this point is dripping down and heading towards our basement.
Now, logic says, in my mind, “f**k it…..I’ll call our homeowners insurance company, compassionate souls that they are, and tell them we wanna file a claim for water damage and to get their butts down here and survey the problem.”
Which was four days ago. At which point I could have spent my time building a damn ark by the time they got here.
Soooooo. In the meantime I call this septic guy and he comes out in 20 minutes. Surveys the problem and then gives me that doom and gloom boy are you f**ked look. Which usually means, “Yeah, we can fix the problem…..the good news.
BUT…….(the bad news) it’ll cost ya more money than you make in a year on your paltry Social Security income.”
I think he laughed at this point as I was flipping him off when he had his back turned.
Now you and I know quite well that all insurance companies love to get your monthly homeowners payment. Which they gleefully deposit into their accounts and invest it somewhere. Like in pork bellies or something.
BUT…..when you file a claim….they tend to scream foul, as they really do not want to give any money back to you to repair damage to your home. That’s usually how it works.
So, Marvin Shanklesteinberg from the insurance adjusters office comes out, walks around grumbling, and accesses the damage. At which point I point out to him what that septic guy said. Which basically was that we need a sump pump, possibly a new septic tank to handle the drainage, and a winning lottery ticket to pay for all that stuff.
The adjuster says go for the lottery ticket option because this problem is, “an act of f**king Mother f**king Nature” and ya can’t f**k with Mother Nature, especially if you’re an insurance company. (can anyone say “Hurricane Sandy” property owners vs insurance companies)
So, back to my logic here. To pump or not to pump (water) that is the logical question.
Keeping in mind the shoveling shit against the tide factor of course.
I decide to not shovel shit against the tide to which my other half responds, “Soooooo whaddya ya gonna do about it then!!!!”
At that point, losing more of the hair on my head that I already do not have a lot of, we revert to the silent treatment. (this saves having a CSI team come to our house and finding that we killed each other and how we did it)
Fast forward to the next day. She has a brilliant idea. Sand bags. Yep….sand bags like they use along low-lying areas to prevent water from coming any further into dry land.
So, do ya think with all kinds of flooding predicted over the next few days that any store like Lowes or Home Depot carry sand bags?
If you said no…..give yourself a gold star. In fact, they DO carry sandbags, (from $18 to $24 bucks depending how you like your sand, BUT….ya have to order it online and ya get it in seven to 10 days. WTF!
Soooo, as a last resort we call every conceivable public works department within a 500 mile radius from our house and ask it they have sand bags. If you guessed no….you get another gold star.
And to think. Just last week I was hoping for a thaw in the weather.
So, there’s my logic folks. Which basically proves I have no logic, but insurance companies, home improvement stores, and public works departments do. And ya wonder why Noah had to build a freakin’ ark.
Now ya know.
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