Some days, for a lot of humor writers, it’s very hard to come up with things to write about……at least humorous things. BUT…..I for one do not have that problem. Because I live with a woman who provides me with endless hours of humorous blogging inspiration ideas.
No, not that she taps me on the shoulder each day and says, “Honeeeee, why don’t ya do a blog about how fruit flies miraculously appear out of nowhere,” and I immediately thank her and head off and bang out a blog about fruit flys..
Although, I might add, that has crossed my mind. Only because I DO wonder how TF they suddenly appear and where they come from.
Now you all know by now I’ve written about the dreaded vacuum cleaner horror that women inflict on men. Especially men, such as myself who write at home and need peace and quiet so that when an idea hits you, you have to write it down immediately or it’s gone.
Enter woman with vacuum and you have the main reason most writers and authors never finish a book they’re writing. That, and the ol, “OMG honeeee, a bigggggg spider….kill it now!!!!!”
Now you may recall that a new book by author by Harper Lee of “To Kill A Mockingbird,” fame, published in 1960, will be releasing a new book entitled, “Go Set A Watchman.” Her second book in over 50 years.
My guess is that Ms. Lee, having much success with “To Kill A Mockingbird,” then, having reaped in millions from her book and movie sales, hired a housekeeper, lest she have to do it herself and take time from writing another great novel, soon realized that ya can’t write another great novel when your housekeeper is constantly running the damn vacuum.
Hence, why it took so long to finish her new novel. I’m assuming her housekeeper passed on….or she killed her. My guess anyhow.
So it is with writing this humor blog. Not that I will EVER write a great novel mind you. But at least some futile daily attempts at writing humor just to amuse my three blog followers while living with a woman…………whose brain functions entirely different from mine.
Because my brain is in its creative writing mode while hers is…….um…..well……..examples of what I have to deal with…………………..
As well as……………………..
Taking on spider kill duties. Cat barf episodes. On a snowy day the ol, “OMG the roof is collapsing.” Or, “What was that noise honeeeee?” Or, “The lights in the driveway keep coming on dear!” Or, “Honeeee, the mailman is here.” Or, “Dinnerrrrrrrrrrrrr is ready!” Or, “Sweetie, I’m in the shower and forgot the soap.” Or,”Oh, are you writing another blog….can I sit here till you’re finished?” And of course the dreaded vacuum when all else fails.
And ya wonder why painter Vincent van Gogh cut off his freakin’ ear.
However there are times when she does serve as an inspiration. As in my last blog when I pointed out that she went ballistic over not having an egg tray in our new refrigerator. Which inspired me to assume there was an egg tray conspiracy afoot by refrigerator manufacturers.
Or the times, (several thousand at last count) when she calls me into a room because she wants me to take a picture of one of the cats posing in a cute position. Usually in the “L” position. Which then prompts me to find a cat cartoon and insert it into my blog.
I suspect Mark Parisi who draws the cartoon strip,”Off The Mark” also suffers from woman catlady syndrome as I do because you will notice that he too does a lot of cartoons about cats. Most likely when he’s trying to be creative and his wife walks in the room as he’s drawing.
Sometimes you just have to give in to cat ladies on occasion to extend your life expectancy here on Earth.
Then there’s the women’s logic thing. Which I might add, should be considered an oxymoron. Putting the word “woman” and “logic” in the same sentence.
Over the years of writing this blog I’ve written a number of documented cases of my other half’s “logic,” in comparison to mine. Like why my computer screen light keeps her awake at night, (12 feet away in another room) while the light from the bathroom, (3 feet) and the light from the electric blanket, (4 inches) and the digital illuminated glow in the dark alarm clock, (6 inches) don’t bother her at all.
And all of you, (men only) know what answer I get.
But I’d venture a guess that without her around I’d most likely not find things to write about on days when my mind is mush. Such as today.
So far I have a list of blog ideas thanks to her.
How she has morphed into my vision of loveliness over the years as I gaze at her each evening in her favorite chair with cats draped over her. Very alluring….and, the butt of many of my “pussy” jokes which I WILL NOT get into. (I do not have a death wish)
Or my inclination to do a blog about how in the first 2 minutes of awakening she could almost be Lizzie Borden to, (after coffee) becoming Beaver Cleaver’s mother.
Or, as I mentioned in one of my blogs, how laugh tracks on TV sitcoms annoy me, how she could actually provide those shows with laugh tracks because she laughs at anything. 90% of the time it’s when I’m on a ladder and fall off of it. Which is the reason, one of these days, by the time she stops laughing and dials 911 I’ll be freakin’ dead.
So ya see, the good news is that I live with a woman who on occasion DOES give me ideas for writing this blog. And so far she’s never gotten pissed off when I write things about her.
The bad news is she fails to see the humor when I include her in my blogs.
Which is the main reason I never post any photos of her doing stupid stuff which are absolutely hilarious. Like the one time…….um…….er…………
Oh Oh……….looks like I DO have a death wish.
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