I’m not a big fan of conspiracy theories. Cept for the JFK Assassination conspiracy. Which any fool knows was not a conspiracy, according to those who keep telling us that it was not a conspiracy and we should ignore that man behind the curtain, “The Wizard of Dallas,” with all kinds of stuff that indicates a conspiracy, but he’s obviously mistaken.
BUT….as conspiracies go, THIS ONE I can prove beyond a reasonable doubt. Yesireeeee…….no mystery here folks. No shady character lurking behind any grassy knoll, or refrigerator.
So what’s this latest conspiracy that I have uncovered?
I call it, “The Clandestine Refrigerator Egg Conspiracy.” And it was by sheer accident that it came to light. Otherwise I’d have never known that this conspiracy existed.
It seems that the manufacturers of refrigerators have taken it upon themselves to eliminate, of all things, EGG TRAY HOLDERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YES….the staple of all refrigerators, next to the ice maker, water dispenser and that 25 watt bulb.
Sooooo how did I discover this conspiracy?
We went out to purchase a new refrigerator at a local dealer because, obviously, we needed a new refrigerator. Duh.
So, after painstakingly looking at an array of various refrigerators, which basically all look the freakin’ same to me, but, if you’re a woman, which, obviously my other half is, look entirely different, THEN you spend an hour opening refrigerator doors and, again, if you’re my other half, stare at the insides of each one with amazement.
While I stand there and say to myself, “Ok, let’s move on, they all look the freakin’ same dear. Shelves, crispers, ice maker, water dispenser, and light bulbs. So what the hell’s the difference?”
Cept for the prices which range from around $800 to $9,199. To which I said to myself, “For $9,199 that damn fridge better do more than just keep things cold.
Can ya have sex with a refrigerator? Um, maybe not, but for that price, ($9,199) it better come damn close. Or at least have a USB port, a hard drive, high-speed Internet, HDTV, (for those food runs so ya don’t miss anything on TV) and a GPS system jussssst in case I’m drunk and need to find my way back to my sofa.
Anyhow, once the delivery guys came and installed the refrigerator, which involved hooking up the water line for water and ice and handling the tougher assignment, plugging it in, it was time to load that baby up with all our refrigerator stuff.
It was at that point, when we got to the eggs, that, to our horror, there was no egg tray. OMFG!!!! NO EGG TRAY!!!!
Actually, “I” remained calm while my other half went berserk.
Ya know what that means. It means egg trays are being phased out by refrigerator manufacturers. Just like automobile manufacturers phased out cigarette lighters.
Why? So you wouldn’t smoke in your car. And now, (gasp) refrigerator manufacturers are phasing out egg trays so ya won’t buy eggs!!!!
I can understand not putting cigarette lighters in cars, kinda, because smoking is bad for everyone, so the car manufacturers figured, “Hey, let’s show how much we care and not put cigarette lighters in cars.” That and the fact they probably save a gazillion bucks not having to make those lighters.
But egg trays? WTF is with that!!!
Do they not think eggs deserve their own compartment? Eggs are oval and roll all over the freakin’ fridge if ya just put them in one of those trays without the indentation for eggs. What brainiac came up with that idea to eliminate those?
Some chicken hating freak? Some guy at Amana or Maytag who has a severe case of eggaphobia? Maybe even chickens themselves who lobbied to have those trays removed so that people wouldn’t buy eggs anymore and they could keep their eggs from lack of egg sales and instead have more chickens.
So WTF are we consumers supposed to do with our eggs? Velcro them to the fridge? Pile them on top of one another like a pyramid? Crack open each egg and put them all in a bowl and just throw out the shells? Or simply stop buying eggs and buy a chicken, keep it in a closet and when ya need an egg, just prompt the chicken to do its thing?
This all boils down, (where do ya put boiled eggs too) to refrigerator manufacturers forcing us to give up our egg trays.
Which basically amounts to chickens**t.
But I for one outsmarted those motherf**kers. Yep……I drove down to the place where I bought the fridge and demanded they retrieve my plastic egg tray from my old fridge pronto. Ya have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull the wool, or chicken feathers, over my eyes pal.
Yep….I made them fork it over and beat feet outta that place before they had the chance to call the refrigerator people and tell them I was breaking the rules.
And if they so much as call me demanding that I do not insert my old egg try into my new refrigerator they’re gonna have to pry it from my cold dead hands.
Which will be inside of my new refrigerator holding that egg tray.
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