Coffee: The One Drink That Keeps Me From Going Ballistic

coffee3

Yes, you could argue the point that hard spirits, booze, hooch, spirited libations, moonshine and such numb the mind on occasions when you’re ready to pound the hell outta some numbnut who drove you, to use and old phrase, “drove you to drink,” but for me, its coffee.

Which is why I have a collection of various old coffee mugs for those special occasions when I am either ready to push the nuclear button, if I actually had access to it, or, on occasion, (very rarely) when my other half, (as in the case of all men) think of where I would bury her body after she totally pisses me off and I lose it……………………which is usually before I have my morning cup of coffee.

Picture it this way. The Incredible Hulk goes berserk when he gets all bent outta shape. Give him a cup of coffee, he’d be fine. Same applied to Dr. Jekyll. Had he ingested that first morning cup of coffee we’d never have heard of Mr. Hyde.

Give me a second honeeee, one more sip and I'll be myself

Give me a second honeeee, one more sip and I’ll be myself

Which most likely explains why Ann Cloutier is such a bitch. She probably doesn’t drink coffee. My guess anyhow.

Now for instance, I get up in the morning, head straight for the ol percolator, turn it on, feed the 3 freeloading cats, (begrudgingly) THEN swing down my first cup of coffee.

SHAZAM!!!!! I’m human. I love life. I feel the urge to take on the day. The possibilities of what the day will bring are endless. I break out into a chorus of, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” (1988 Bobby McFerrin)

Then there’s my other half. Lucretia McEvil BEFORE she has her first cup of coffee and Lucy Ricardo, (“I Love Lucy”) afterwards.

Motherf**king #!^%$#! Cat Barf!!!!!!

(before coffee) Motherf**king !#!^%$#! Cat Barf!!!!!!

(after coffee) Morning honeeeee.....here I saved the last peach of chocolate just for you...kiss, kiss, kiss

(after coffee) Morning honeeeee…..here I saved the last peace of chocolate just for you…kiss, kiss, kiss

Which, knowing damn well I could be Freddie Kruger before my first cup, ALWAYS do that first….drink my first cup.

But Lucretia!!! Noooooooooooo!

Gawd help me, or any cat that gets in her path on the first few minutes of her realizing that yet another day has arisen and she has to face it……..including looking at me. (not a pretty site in the AM)

To make matters worse, all it takes is some innocent event to tick her the hell off.

You know, a dust bunny scurrying across the floor. Cat barf………… me saying good morning.coffee2

So, the rule of the house here, well. at least MY rule, is NEVER to be anywhere in the vicinity of Ms. McEvil until AFTER she’s had her coffee.

So far……I’m alive.

Now, with all this coffee stuff in mind, I’ve gathered together some of my favorite coffee mugs, acquired over my lifetime, which, have survived past ex spouses and their morning tirades……barely.

From my days driving a casino limo all over Gawds land, the pause that refreshed….a break at the Post Road Diner.

From the "Post Road Diner" in Norwalk, Connecticut

From the “Post Road Diner” in Norwalk, Connecticut

And from my endless quest to win a gazillion dollars aimlessly playing the lottery.

When I once hit the lottery eons ago, they gave me this cup. Guess they figured it was enough cause I haven't hit it since. Bastards.

When I once hit the lottery eons ago, they gave me this cup. Guess they figured it was enough cause I haven’t hit it since. Bastards.

Yes….we have cats………………….(HER mug)

If you live with a cat lady, this mug is standard issue

If you live with a cat lady, this mug is standard issue

And YES…..SHE has more mugs too………………..(sigh)

And if that cat lady is from West (by gawd) Virginia, this mug is also required

And if that cat lady is from West (by gawd) Virginia, this mug is also required

But MY mugs are much better……..

And what MisfitWisdom household would dare be without this one

And what MisfitWisdom household would dare be without this one

Better because MY mugs are full of valuable wisdom…………..

Having lost at love many times, (being dumped) this was always my favorite mug.

Having lost at love many times, (being dumped) this was always my favorite mug.

Finally, my all time prized possession mug is this next one from 1963 AD. It was given to all of us announcers at a radio station by the Providence, Rhode Island based Autocrat Coffee Company after they bought air time at the station and asked us to ad lib the commercial copy on the air stating just how much we loved their coffee. Yum.

"Dick Jones" (circia 1963) AKA....MisfitWisdom

“Dick Jones” (circa 1963) AKA….MisfitWisdom

Nice cup huh! And, of course, I ALWAYS drank their coffee. Wink….wink.

Actually, if they’d send me another cup with MisfitWisdom on it I WOULD drink their coffee. Hint….hint.

So, there ya have it. Amazing! All these cups survived eons, along with me and morning spouses, and hopefully many more eons to go.

Um……unless my other half reads today’s blog before she has her morning coffee. Then both me and the mugs could be screwed.

Maybe even the cats.

Just sayin.’

mmmmmm

By some ballistic bloggers spouse

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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