OK……if I’m going to hell, which most likely is a possibility considering I haven’t been to church in eons, and, writing this stupid blog is surely a one way ticket there, I figure, screw it, I might as well guarantee my ticket there by commenting on an article in the January 26th issue of “TIME” magazine (page 62) entitled, “The Lying Nun.”
(this has nothing to do with “The Flying Nun” or Sally Fields lying about her age)
Rather, it’s a story filled with intrigue, sex, a convent in Rome, despicable acts and a secret affair.
However, it was the mere fact that what caught my eye when reading that article was not the intrigue, sex, the convent despicable acts and the affair, (although the sex part did catch my eye) it was a princess who fled the convent in a panic claiming that she was being poisoned and then blabbed to everybody what was going on in the convent of Sant’ Ambrogio.
(No…I didn’t misspell the word “saint” in the above “Sant.” But they might have)
Her name was, (get this) Katharina von Hohenzollern-Sigmaringen, (Gesundheit) who might have also left that convent because she couldn’t get any more personal checks printed from her bank because her damn name took up half the checks and they wanted to charge her extra. My guess anyhow.
Soooo. What was it that whats her name claimed was going on in that convent. (I’m NOT gonna keep typing that long name of hers)
According to Kat, (for short) she accused the convent’s “extravagantly beautiful 27 year-old novice mistress, Maria Luisa, who was wildly believed to be blessed with divine ecstasies and visions, and capable of healing the sick,” of all kinds of dastardly stuff.
Which, in the scope of things, I guess pissed off Maria. Which, I’m guessing again, is where the poison part comes in.
German historian Hubert Wolf, (no relation to Wolf Blitzer) wrote a book after Pope John Paul II opened some secret archives in 1998 of the Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith entitled, “The Nuns of Sant’Ambrogio.” As TIME mentions in their article, that was from the period that we all fondly remember as the “Inquisition.”
Wolf writes that the nuns were locked in with a monster. (not Shrek) “Their novice mistress was addicted to power, utterly ruthless and sexually omnivorous.”
(looking up the word omnivorous cause I’m stoopid)
adjective \äm-ˈniv-rəs, –ˈni-və-\
: eating both plants and animals
OMG!!! SHE WAS INTO EATING PLANTS AND ANIMALS!!!!!!!
Um…wait…no, I think in this instance Wolf meant that she was realllly eager to learn about many different things…..which probably included sex, poison and how to get rid of Kat, who she may have suspected was a rat fink.
But wait, as they say in those TV ads. Maria Luisa was NOT only into perhaps eating plants and animals or learning a lot of other stuff because she was eager……noooooooo. She was also into SEX!!! Yes SEX!!!
Which is what happens to you when you’re locked up in a convent for many years watching re runs on TV and get stuck eating plants and animals and just learning stuff. Very boring.
She had an affair with a Jesuit priest, and to cover up their trysts, (you try me and I’ll try you) she produced miraculous letters from Jesus and the Virgin Mary that insisted the lovers spend time in private counseling.
Which also clears up that age-old mystery as to when the first official Post Office delivery system was created.
But this gets better. Maria not only got letters from the Big Guy himself, but “made playthings of whatever young nuns caught her eye, under the guise of some truly imaginative and extremely explicit divine injunctions.”
I’m guessing she told those nuns, “Hey, God asked me if ya wanna go out sometime.”
Actually, one of the nuns said that “she told me that the gifts and blessings that she had received from the Lord would be transferred to me when I touched her private parts with my hands. And then she repeated the same actions on my body.”
Wolf says that if the story stopped there, Maria might have come off as simply a sexual abuser. BUT…yes, there’s always a but, when she felt threatened by a rival or possible exposure, she turned to (gasp) murder. Her favorite means of disposing of threats, poison.
Frankly, I would have gone the Asp route.
Anyhow, to make a long story short, “the fortress fell, the novice mistress was convicted, the convent was shut down, and all records of Sant’Ambrogio were suppressed or expunged.”
Maria Luisa died a broken woman. Her Jesuit lover was also convicted but got only a token sentence and went on to a distinguished career as a theologian. (talk show host for the church)
Verrrrrry interesting, and (I get to use my favorite word again) titillating stuff.
But ya know what the hell pisses me off. Not that all this stuff was going on eons ago and perhaps even later and they kept it a secret for so long. What pisses me off is that, being Catholic, I got reprimanded in confession week after week for thinking about sex, having sex, or as Father Iglesias from the “Church of Continuing Agony” used to call it, “for having impure thoughts.”
WTF! What the hell kinda penance did those nuns or priests get for messing around with ol Maria?
Not only THAT! But Maria gets to have Johnny Mathis sing a song about her.
Unless it really wasn’t Johnny Mathis singing that song and it really was that Jesuit priest.
Makes sense to me.
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