The Inquisition: Sex Lies and Videotape. Um….ok…..sex, lies, poison and murder. (no video)

mmmmm

I DID give them a like….hey….what the hell…….might get me some perks when I get there

OK……if I’m going to hell, which most likely is a possibility considering I haven’t been to church in eons, and, writing this stupid blog is surely a one way ticket there, I figure, screw it, I might as well guarantee my ticket there by commenting on an article in the January 26th issue of “TIME” magazine (page 62) entitled, “The Lying Nun.”

(this has nothing to do with “The Flying Nun” or Sally Fields lying about her age)

Thank Gawd.....I'm as white as the pure driven snow

Thank Gawd…..I’m as white as the pure driven snow

Rather, it’s a story filled with intrigue, sex, a convent in Rome, despicable acts and a secret affair.

However, it was the mere fact that what caught my eye when reading that article was not the intrigue, sex, the convent despicable acts and the affair, (although the sex part did catch my eye) it was a princess who fled the convent in a panic claiming that she was being poisoned and then blabbed to everybody what was going on in the convent of Sant’ Ambrogio.

(No…I didn’t misspell the word “saint” in the above “Sant.” But they might have)

Her name was, (get this) Katharina von Hohenzollern-Sigmaringen, (Gesundheit) who might have also left that convent because she couldn’t get any more personal checks printed from her bank because her damn name took up half the checks and they wanted to charge her extra. My guess anyhow.

mmmmm

The ever vivacious Katharina

Soooo. What was it that whats her name claimed was going on in that convent. (I’m NOT gonna keep typing that long name of hers)

According to Kat, (for short) she accused the convent’s “extravagantly beautiful 27 year-old novice mistress, Maria Luisa, who was wildly believed to be blessed with divine ecstasies and visions, and capable of healing the sick,” of all kinds of dastardly stuff.

Which, in the scope of things, I guess pissed off Maria. Which, I’m guessing again, is where the poison part comes in.

mmmmm

The also ever vivacious Maria Luisa. (I only said that cause she’s holding what appears to be a very sharp knife)

German historian Hubert Wolf, (no relation to Wolf  Blitzer) wrote a book after Pope John Paul II opened some secret archives in 1998 of the Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith entitled, “The Nuns of Sant’Ambrogio.”  As TIME mentions in their article, that was from the period that we all fondly remember as the “Inquisition.”wolf

Wolf writes that the nuns were locked in with a monster. (not Shrek) “Their novice mistress was addicted to power, utterly ruthless and sexually omnivorous.”

(looking up the word omnivorous cause I’m stoopid)

om·niv·o·rous

adjective \äm-ˈniv-rəs, –ˈni-və-\

: eating both plants and animals

: eager to learn about many different things

OMG!!! SHE WAS INTO EATING PLANTS AND ANIMALS!!!!!!!

mmmmm

Nah…you’re both wrong. It was read up on fruits, specifically apples, and THEN you’ll get the jest of reproducing, (cue the serpent)

Um…wait…no, I think in this instance Wolf meant that she was realllly eager to learn about many different things…..which probably included sex, poison and how to get rid of Kat, who she may have suspected was a rat fink.

But wait, as they say in those TV ads. Maria Luisa was NOT only into perhaps eating plants and animals or learning a lot of other stuff  because she was eager……noooooooo. She was also into SEX!!!  Yes SEX!!!

Which is what happens to you when you’re locked up in a convent for many years watching re runs on TV and get stuck eating plants and animals and just learning stuff. Very boring.

mmmmm

She had an affair with a Jesuit priest, and to cover up their trysts, (you try me and I’ll try you) she produced miraculous letters from Jesus and the Virgin Mary that insisted the lovers spend time in private counseling.

Which also clears up that age-old mystery as to when the first official Post Office delivery system was created.

But this gets better. Maria not only got letters from the Big Guy himself, but “made playthings of whatever young nuns caught her eye, under the guise of some truly imaginative and extremely explicit divine injunctions.”

I’m guessing she told those nuns, “Hey, God asked me if ya wanna go out sometime.”

Actually, one of the nuns said that “she told me that the gifts and blessings that she had received from the Lord would be transferred to me when I touched her private parts with my hands. And then she repeated the same actions on my body.”

Me thinkith this is also the same line many guys use today when scouting out women in bars.maria4

Wolf says that if the story stopped there, Maria might have come off as simply a sexual abuser. BUT…yes, there’s always a but, when she felt threatened by a rival or possible exposure, she turned to (gasp) murder. Her favorite means of disposing of threats, poison.

Frankly, I would have gone the Asp route.

mmmmm

Hey….worked for me!

Anyhow, to make a long story short, “the fortress fell, the novice mistress was convicted, the convent was shut down, and all records of Sant’Ambrogio were suppressed or expunged.”

Maria Luisa died a broken woman. Her Jesuit lover was also convicted but got only a token sentence and went on to a distinguished career as a theologian. (talk show host for the church)

Verrrrrry interesting, and (I get to use my favorite word again) titillating stuff.

But ya know what the hell pisses me off. Not that all this stuff was going on eons ago and perhaps even later and they kept it a secret for so long. What pisses me off is that, being Catholic, I got reprimanded in confession week after week for thinking about sex, having sex, or as Father Iglesias from the “Church of Continuing Agony” used to call it, “for having impure thoughts.”

mmmmmm

If only I could go back……..

WTF! What the hell kinda penance did those nuns or priests get for messing around with ol Maria?

Not only THAT! But Maria gets to have Johnny Mathis sing a song about her.

Unless it really wasn’t Johnny Mathis singing that song and it really was that Jesuit priest.

Makes sense to me.

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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