If you’re under the age of 10, and have no idea where babies come from, DO NOT CONTINUE TO READ THIS BLOG!
I only say that because “I” had to learn where babies came from many eons ago when I was a mere child, (9) and hung out with Carol Grassendork, who lived up the street from me and we found some medical books in her parent’s basement that showed exactly where babies came from and had a bunch of explicit photographs as well.
Besides the euwwwww factor as we thumbed through the pages, there was also the erotic factor, which I, as, again, a mere innocent (cough) child thought were quite titillating. (love that word) Carol, on the other hand looked at all that information and the pictures differently. Which is one of the main reasons, I assume, she went on to become a nurse, and I a pervert.
Anyhow, the web site “Cut.com” posted a video of parents explaining to their kids exactly where babies come from. Cleveland was not one of the places.
First, take a look at the video, and then continue on reading my ramblings:
Ok, so if you’re one of those 9-year-old kids or younger, obviously you’re totally blown away by what you just saw on that video. Not because you didn’t have a clue as to where babies came from, but how stupid some of those kids were. Better yet, how stupid some of those parents were attempting to explain where babies come from.
Like the guy who compared a vagina to a pocket.
“Yeah, so, mommy has this here pocket which is a vagina. And daddy has to go into mommy’s pocket with his penis and then things happen and the next thing ya know a baby is created.”
“Geez daddy, kinda like when mommy goes into your pocket and whips out twenty or thirty bucks and things happen…..like you get all pissed off?”
“Um…well….er…..something like that Johnny, but um, not as messy.
According to an article by Beth Greenfield, Senior Writer at Yahoo, this all falls into the “Birds and the Bees” category. Although, I myself still haven’t figured out what the hell birds and bees have to do with making babies.
I personally have observed a lot of birds and bees in my own backyard and never once did I ever witness them doing anything that might explain how babies are made. Now watching dogs, horses, or cows out in a field humping one another, THAT I can grasp.
Anyhow, moving on, the video is kinda cute. Like that one girl who called a “vagina” a” vangina.” Or that other kid who compared mommy’s stomach where a baby grows as an “igloo.”
My favorite part of that video is where one dad tries to explain sex by equating it to mommy and daddy “hanging out.”
“Yeah, so mommy and daddy kinda go under the covers, hang out a bit, and that’s how it all begins.”
“You hang out with mommy under the covers and babies are made that way!!!!!!”
“Yep, basically son.
“OMFG…..I ain’t never hangin’ out under the blankets with our dog Barfy anymore!!!!”
Then there’s the parents who draw a diagram of sperm. Which to me, had I been shown that diagram, would have freaked out totally. Only because they kinda resemble squirmy worm type things and I hate worms. Damn…..would have made me swear off sex the rest of my life.
And going back to that “pocket explanation” one for how babies are made, daddy went on to explain further that “mommy and daddy got together, took our clothes off, got under the blankets so we were really warm, and then we did a special dance, and there you were.”
“Ya mean like when you two play your old records like that one song “C’mon and Swim?”
“Um…well…er……come to think of it honey that WAS the song playing when you and I were in the back seat of my Chevy and……………………
Sooooo. If you’re still confused, (if you’re under the age of nine) just forget about where babies come from for now. Trust me on this one kiddies. It’ll only gross you out and might traumatize you for the rest of your life and you’ll wind up either being a reclusive monk in a monastery in Tibet somewhere or, worse, a pediatrician.
My suggestion. Copy and paste this blog and that video, save it until you reach the age of 20, then read and watch the video.
By then you should have first hand knowledge of what a vagina and a penis is, how they work, and how both have nothing to do with the freakin’ birds and the bees.
You’ll thank me later.
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