Prior to some of you heading out on New Years Eve to get completely blotto and missing out on some important events coming up this month, as a public service, MisfitWisdom takes a look at what events you might want to mark on your calendar after you recover from your hangover.
Might wanna do it NOW before you get wasted tonight.
First of all, the entire month of January is “National Bath Safety Month.” Which could mean one of two things. Either making sure that when you take a bath you have slip resistant mats in your bathtub so you don’t slip and fall and perhaps even railings to hold on to if you’re freakin’ old and can barely stand up, never mind just getting into a bathtub.
OR…..it’s called “National Bath Safety Month” because some hygiene freaks want people to, immediately after sex when using a condom, head to the showers and rinse off while still wearing a condom. Makes sense to me.
(for those of you who missed that last joke, condoms are sometimes referred to as “safeties”)
Sometimes ya just have to explain these things….geesh.
Ok, now for some of those other special days of the month.
January 2nd is “Run Up The Flagpole and See If Anyone Salutes Day.” Providing you, of course, actually have a flagpole with which to run a flag up. Lacking an actual flagpole you could of course, in the spirit of this day, simply stick a pole or branch in the dirt on your front lawn with a flag of your choice and still see if anyone salutes it.
Last year, lacking a flagpole, I mounted my red, white, and blue Fruit of the Looms on a two by four in my front yard and lots of women drivers going by DID salute it. Yep….did my part.
January 3rd is “Fruitcake Toss Day.” This is the only day of the year where it is entirely legal to dispose of those fruitcakes you got for Christmas. Or legally dispose of any fruitcake….like the idiot that lives next door to you.
“Bean Day” is celebrated on the 6th. DO NOT use any elevators or go anywhere where there are crowds on this day. Farting factor.
If you’ve ever been labeled as peculiar, the 10th is “Peculiar Day.” Considering most members of Congress are peculiar you might wanna book a trip to DC just to be among friends.
This next day is celebrated on the 12th of January, but, I’m not sure what it’s all about. It’s called, “Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day.”
I did some research on this but to no avail. BUT…..when I think of “wild men” the same image comes to mind. (below) Need I say more. (think hair)
January 16th is “Appreciate A Dragon Day.” Seeing that there are no bona-fide dragons still in existence, should you wish to celebrate this day my only suggestion would be to send a greeting card to Daryl Dragon, of “The Captain & Tennille” and tell him you still appreciate him.
The same day, the 16th, is also “National Nothing Day.” Good excuse for getting blotto by going to a bar and getting soused over nothing. And when your other half yells at you and says, “Why are you freakin’ drunk you damn jerk?” Just reply, “I’m drunk over nothing dear.”
The 20th is “Penguin Awareness Day.” This is the day you should always be on alert for penguins stalking you. I assume because on this day in the past penguins always went out and caused some sort of disturbance. Otherwise why would there be such a day? Again, makes sense to me.
Following the penguins is “Squirrel Appreciation Day,” on the 21st. Celebrate by avoiding squirrels who dart in front of your car. Perhaps buying some peanuts and leaving them out for the little SOB’s. Or, in honor of their day, simply going out into your backyard, grabbing your nuts, (men only) and saluting them.
Here’s another strange one. “National Blonde Brownie Day,” on the 22nd. So, my thinking is that you either find a Brownie, (Girl Scout in a pinch) and either buy some cookies or give them a plate of home-made brownies. Or, find some blonde woman in your office who brown noses the boss and hand her a plate of brownies with a note saying, “As long as your brown-nosing the boss, might as well go full hog honey.”
Now this next day in January I can well appreciate. It’s called, “Beer Can Appreciation Day,” on the 24th. Where would any red-blooded American male be without his comforting can of beer. Gawd knows how mankind survived before the advent of the beer can.
If you are into playing the kazoo, your day is on January 28th which is “National Kazoo Day.” You can actually walk around playing with your kazoo, (the instrument and not your body part) and no one will mock you. Unless, you ARE actually playing with your body part kazoo.
Finally, on the 30th, is “National Inane Answering Machine Day.” On this day you can legally post inane messages on your answering machine. Examples: “Hello, you’ve reached the home of MisfitWisdom. Press 1 for “F**K Off,” and 2 for “If you’re a bill collector I’ve moved so don’t ever call here again you freakin’ idiot.”
My favorite is, “Hello, who is this and are you naked.”
If it’s a woman who says “yes,” answer the phone. If it’s a woman who says “yes” and your spouse is nearby, tell her it’s Jake from State Farm, and hang up.
Enjoy the month folks. And……………..
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