Hellllllllllp! I’m trapped Under My Truck’s Dashboard and Can’t Get Out!!!!

auto1

It occurred to me the other day that there is a reason that we all grow old and eventually die. That would be because we, as we age, become totally useless, such as were dinosaurs, who eventually became extinct.

After all, what purpose did dinosaurs serve? Other than to have sex with other dinosaurs and perhaps just lie around enjoying life. Other than that, they obviously had no use whatsoever. Hence, why they became extinct.

Which led me to conclude that I too will soon become extinct . And that’s even with all the knowledge I’ve gained through all of my years roaming the face of this planet.

How did I reach that conclusion? Simple. I discovered that I could not change the cigarette lighter housing in my 1999 Dodge Ram without removing the entire dashboard, steering wheel, engine and floorboard.

mmmm

Yep. A simple thing like replacing a cigarette lighter housing is comparable to replacing a nuclear warhead on a missile.

Ya see, years ago, or eons in my case, one could simply place one’s body in an upside down position and slither under your car’s dashboard and remove just about anything. You could actually see EVERYTHING under your car’s dashboard. AND, if need be, actually perform automotive surgery on your car quite easily.

And ya never had any problems doing any of that stuff. In fact, the only problem “I” every came across was……………

mmmm

F**K!!!!!!

These days it takes a freakin’ rocket scientist to remove a damn cigarette lighting housing. For one, you can’t get under the dashboard at all. Unless, as I said earlier, you dismantle the entire front end of your vehicle, rip off the firewall, remove the steering wheel, and are left with nothing but the front passenger seat. All this to get at the cigarette lighter.

mmm

Soooo the bill is $200 plus the birdseed

However, if you screw up and the air bag accidentally goes off while you’re doing all of this you’re basically gonna get smothered to death and when they find your body it’s not gonna be a pretty sight.

“Soooooo Dr. Quincy, looking at this guys body over there upside down under his dashboard and squished like a windshield wiper bug what do ya think the cause of death was?”

“Well Captain Fosdork, the way I see it, this asshole thought he could remove his cigarette lighter housing by simply taking a pair of pliers and getting under the dash and removing the housing. Then somehow he set off the airbag which in turn knocked the pliers outta his hand and it lodged in the closed position between the steering wheel and the airbag attached to his balls.”

“Soooooo. Cause of death?”

“Simple, death by strangulation. Oh yeah, along with attempting to remove that cigarette lighter housing shortly after having sex with his wife.”

“Really! What’s having sex with his wife got to do with his demise?”

“Well, if you observe closely, during all that thrashing around when the airbag went off while he was under the dash trying to remove that cigarette lighter housing, he still had a four-hour erection and guess where his woody wound up during all that flailing around.”

“Um….the cigarette lighter housing hole?”

“Yep…..and it was working. Not a pretty sight.”

So ya see, the reason we get old and die is because we can no longer do all of those car repairs ourselves anymore. Makes sense to me. Even car mechanics our age die off as well because they can’t even figure all that crap out anymore.auto5

I’d continue on with today’s blog about all of this stuff but I have to go outside and put my front grille, fender, hood and front tire back on to my truck.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to replace a headlight these days?

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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2 Responses to Hellllllllllp! I’m trapped Under My Truck’s Dashboard and Can’t Get Out!!!!

  1. katydidknot says:

    My grandfather calls on a semi-regular basis and asks me to go over to his house with my nine-year old, hoping that her tiny hands can reach into the parts of the engine where he needs sometime done. Apparently the enormous hands of a sheet metal worker aren’t right for the stuff under the hood of a modern car.

  2. santostom says:

    Misfit, you made me laugh this morning, not that you are that funny, but because I know exactly what you are going through. It was that funny. Reminds me of the time I purchased a 1972 Jaguar. My wife (at the time), said they are expensive to repair. I said, intelligently, “I’ve been working on cars since I was a teenager, no problem. i bought the car, parked it in my garage, opened the hood, quickly closed it. I couldn’t find the engine. It was covered by a large metal or plastic thing. Plus I found out that it had two fuel tanks and fuel pumps. I had never seen anything so scary. Today, the ’72 Jaguar is nothing. Today it’s even difficult to open the hood. I asked my mechanic how to repair my dashboard clock in my ’93 Mercury, he said “You don’t even want to try.” So my clock doesn’t work and I have a small light bulb out in my dash. Live with it. Thanks Dick.

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