Soooooo. Like, Where Exactly Do I Park My #!%$#@! Truck?

Happens every single time I go to a WalMart

Yes, it’s true. There are six gazillion trillion quadriplezillion parking spaces at various stores wherever you go shopping. Most of them are located in the north forty. Because the prime spots are, of course, and with good reason, reserved for the handicapped. Again…..rightly so.

Let me state that I have absolutely no problem with stores reserving prime spots close to the entrances of their stores for ANYONE who is handicapped.

That said, I DO have a freakin’ problem with those other reserved spots. Like the one I pulled into today and didn’t see the sign till I zipped into this prime spot. It said, “Parking for mothers with children.” WTF!

Mothers with children need prime parking spots? If they have a child between the ages of 1 and 15 do they still get to park there? If I borrow someones kid can I park there? How about if I consider one of my cats as my child? Or if my cat is expecting, can I qualify for a prime spot then?

The way I look at it, why stop at just handicapped and mother’s with child parking spots. I mean there are all those other prime spots that could also be designated for special people.

So I came up with the following designations:

Parking for idiots that do not have enough brains to realize that a spot is for other special people as designated by the sign you damn idiot.

Parking for people with severe allergies. This of course would help people with allergies from having to walk 20 feet to the store entrance and inhale car exhaust fumes, seagull wing flapping residue, along with other people’s perfume and aftershave.

Parking for people with severe political disorders that make them go ballistic when they park next to anyone who has a specific candidate’s bumper sticker on their car.

Translation: “You’re an a**hole you stupid (insert Democrat or Republican here)

Parking for people who take up two parking spaces either because they’re too damn fat to get outta their cars in a single parking space without dinging the car’s door parked next to them or are too freakin’ blind to park between the parking space lines.

Parking for women who, when finished shopping, get into their car, proceed to check themselves in their rear view mirror, apply lipstick, comb their hair, whip out a pair of tweezers and pluck hairs, and then call someone on their cell phones. This spot would be located at the farthest point in the parking lot so as not to piss off anyone waiting for that woman to finally leave.

No pooping or peeing too

While we’re at it, no copping a feel or farting

Parking for men who tend to dress really weird. Like wearing sandals with black socks, plaid shorts and a wife beater shirt while sporting a pubic hair beard and any tattoo that says “mom.”

Need I say more

Parking for anyone driving a motorcycle that has a 5,000 decibil straight exhaust pipe. This spot would be next to the parking space for the hearing impaired.

Lest we forget the seniors. A parking spot for anyone qualifying as a senior which would be evident by a cane, scooter, fanny pack, bifocals, AARP bumper sticker, or either a Hubert Humphrey for President or Nixon’s The One bumper sticker still intact on their 1968 Buick Skylark.

Or dead……..

 

Then there are the signs you come across and don’t have a damn clue what the hell they mean. Should I park in this spot of what?

Parking for people who have a fear of seagulls pooping on them. Commonly referred to as, “Seagullpoopaphobia.”

And this one that obviously makes complete sense to me………NOT!

And yes, just when you think you’ve seen all of the special parking spot signs you could possibly see, along comes yet another one.

Along with yet another one…………

You must prove that you are related to Dr. Frankenstein

So, all in all we can expect to see a lot more restricted parking spaces coming down the ol pike. And, if you’re like me, finding that perfect spot that’s unrestricted and closest to the store entrances is the ultimate challenge.

“Dear, WTF are ya doing? Just find a damn spot and let’s get the shopping done!”

“Screw that. I want a spot right near the damn entrance. And I’m gonna cruise around this lot till I find it.”

“You know dear, sometimes you’re just a damn idiot!”

“Yeah, go ahead, make fun of me now, but when I finally find that spot you’ll thank me.”

“WAIT! There it is……Seeeeeeeeee, I told ya I’d find one.”

Oops……..

 

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