We used to think, being the completely oblivious Americans that we are, that the Secret Service was indeed secret. After all, the definition of secret is to obviously keep things a secret, which the Secret Service is supposed to do, unlike women, who we all know cannot keep a secret, which is why there probably aren’t too many women in the Secret Service, and…um…..WAIT!
Maybeeee THAT’S the reason the Secret Service can’t keep any secrets. Because they’ve hired more women? Geez….even the head of the SS is a woman.
Nah…..that can’t be it. Some women CAN keep secrets. Unless they’re tortured or get their hands on a blue stained dress once owned by Monica Lewinsky. Then all bets of keeping a secret are off.
So what he hell is up with the Secret Service anyhow?
I mean for years we’ve never heard anything about the Secret Service, because, they WERE a damn secret organization for cripes sake. If you’re supposed to be secret, THEN no one would know anything about you. Cept for your name….Secret Service.
Which was no secret, because all of us knew there was such a group of government people known as The Secret Service. So, THAT was no secret to begin with.
Maybe that’s why that guy jumped the fence at the White House last week. Just to see if he could actually see if there were actually a Secret Service and if they were secret and, if you jumped the fence, they’d come outta the bushes and not be secret anymore. Which they did, thereby proving the point that there actually IS a Secret Service.
But, as we all know by now, unless you’ve been living under a rock, the Secret Service screwed up by allowing that intruder to scale the White House fence and make it to the front door of the President’s home. Which the Secret Service could not keep a secret about.
It wouldn’t have been so bad if the guy turned out to be an enthusiastic Fuller Brush salesman or even if it had been a woman selling Tupperware or Avon, but alas, it was just a guy upset about the atmosphere collapsing and wanted to warn the President that he just better watch out for collapsing atmospheres.
Same thing happened many years ago when Chicken Little tried to warn the residents of his town that the sky was falling and no one listened to him. At which point he had to scale the farmyard fence to warn the head rooster.
So now the Secret Service’s secrets, (no relation to Victoria’s Secrets, which we already know a lot about) are being revealed. Like they have guard dogs that will bite your freakin head off if you try to scale the White House fence.
Unfortunately the dogs were on their dog bone coffee break when that incident happened. So much for that.
Then the secret’s out about White House roof snipers who are supposed to take out anyone jumping the fence. Which they did not, because they apparently thought he wasn’t that much of a threat and figured the dogs would get him….which they didn’t. Oops.
Then the guard at the entrance to the White House, who was supposed to be guarding the front door, missed the intruder as well, most likely because he or she thought it was just another salesman and didn’t wanna be bothered listening to their sales pitch so they ducked behind some bushes hoping they’d leave.
So all this is not making the Secret Service look very good. Especially when it comes to keeping secrets. Because now we all know how easy it is to jump the White House fence and what to expect as far as security goes to prevent anyone from doing that. Which is apparently….nothing. No secret there.
My thinking is that if you’re gonna call yourselves, “The Secret Service” then you should be secret and no one should know your secrets. NOW everybody knows all of your secrets which basically means the SS is going to have to come up with a bunch of new secrets because all of the old secrets are no longer secrets.
Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan declined to give details about the guy’s path that he took when he scaled the White House fence, (it’s a secret) citing that it was not appropriate to comment during an ongoing investigation. Which is also a secret….for now.
Soooooo, what does this all mean? It means that you can never trust the Secret Service to keep any damn secrets. Otherwise we’d never know someone scaled the White House fence in the first place. All they had to do was keep it a secret.
So, in conclusion, you probably stand a better chance of telling a woman a secret and her keeping it a secret rather than telling a Secret Service person a secret and having them keep it a secret.
Unless that woman is Linda Tripp or Monica Lewinsky. We all know what they did with THAT secret.
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