To Grab Thy Crotch, Or To Not Grab Thy Crotch? THAT is the question. (Shakescrotch)

Hey! Whaddya mean I can't trrow a damn strike! Wanna see me throse THSE babies ya damn jerks!!!

Hey! Whaddya mean I can’t throw a damn strike! Wanna see me throw THESE babies ya damn jerks!!!

Most men will attest to the fact that there are some acceptable times in which to grab ones crotch. Such as getting slammed in the crotch by some object or, if you are kneed in the crotch by a very savvy woman who knows the one way to disable a man is with a knee to the crotch.

(I’m getting a bit nauseous just thinking about all this crotch pain stuff here)


However, all that said, which I just did, grabbing ones crotch during a baseball game while aiming that crotch gesture towards an umpire the crowd in the stands is another thing.

Umpires, as we all know, first of all do not have a sense of humor. Which is why when they have retirement testimonials for umpires they do not hire comedians to entertain them.


Which basically means THEY never have to grab their crotch

Now all this “crotch” stuff comes from a recent “crotch” grabbing incident during a baseball game when Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Jonathan Papelbon had some sort of an issue with umpire Joe West, or the crowd in attendance because they were booing him, and proceeded to show his “crotch grabbing” expertise to West and the crowd.

“Hey Joe! See This!  Ha, ha, ha, ha…..yeah…can ya see this Joe!!”


The infamous Joe West game pose

So exactly how did all of this grabbing-of-crotch stuff start?

Well, first of all, the crotch grabbing wasn’t really directed towards Joe West. It was, merely an adjustment, according to Papelbon, which I’m assuming means that his crotch area was somewhat out of kilter and needed an adjustment.

Unfortunately for Papelbon, the adjustment came at an inappropriate time….like exactly at the moment Papelbon had blown a save and the crowd was booing him as he walked off of the field.


Ok…NOW grab your crotch

Kinda like when someone calls you an idiot or something and you then grab your crotch in a gesture that means you’re not too pleased with being called an idiot. Flipping them the bird also works, but grabbing ones crotch seems to have more of an impact on huge crowds as a lot of people can’t see your finger from a distance but can see your crotch.

Soooo, West, upon seeing that crotch grab, grabbed Papelbon’s shirt whilst trying to eject him from the game, for obviously crotch grabbing, and now he himself, not grabbing his own crotch, might be fined for grabbing Papelbon’s shirt.

At least West did NOT grab Papelbons’ crotch. Which I’m sure he must have thought about doing.


Look sweetie….I’d like to grab yer crotch too, but I’m really into man boobs

There is a rule that umpires can’t put their hands on players and other field personnel. This also applies if an umpire and player are dating one another and simply want to show a little affection during a game.

However, it is of the opinion of “Yahoo Sports” reporter Tim Brown that West was well within his right and should not be fined for grabbing Papelbon’s shirt. As Brown put it:

“Somebody had to stand for a little dignity out there. Somebody had to remind Papelbon that his jockstrap adjustment could have waited another six feet, at which point he could have adjusted all he wanted in the privacy of his dugout (though admittedly without the same effect). Somebody had to show Papelbon that not everyone is his to offend, abuse or bully.”

In case you were wondering. YES! There was once a bronzed jockstrap award

In case you were wondering. YES! There once was a bronzed jockstrap award

Brown may be correct. However this is kinda of a touchy situation. Touching ones crotch while walking off of the field I mean.

If indeed Papelbon was simply adjusting his crotch and the crowd just happened to be booing him at that exact moment…hey, just a coincidence.

But….if Papelbon was not adjusting his crotch and it was meant as an obscene gesture to the crowd, then perhaps West was within his rights to grab Papelbon’s jersey and advise him that crotch grabbing was not a very nice thing to do.

I would assume that until a CSI team can absolutely verify that Papelbon’s balls were a bit askew and indeed in need of a crotch adjustment, that everyone should just sit back and wait until the investigation is completed.

I’m sure enhanced infrared video, (both from the on field cameras and the umpires instant video replay office in New York) can verify if indeed a crotch adjustment was called for.

The one thing that may come into play against Papelbon’s crotch adjustment is that he looked directly into the crowd while adjusting his crotch. AND….the only time you are allowed to do that while looking directly into a crowd is………………

In THIS case it's perfectly acceptable

In THIS case it’s perfectly acceptable… balls involved


Actualy, in this case too, with no balls involved again, it's perfectly acceptable

Actually, in this case too, with no balls involved again, it’s perfectly acceptable… long as Joe West is NOT in the audience

So, this could either be an act of defiance because he was being booed, or, he was simply letting the crowd know that its ok to adjust your crotch if ya have to, even though everyone’s watching, including a gazillion people on national TV.

After all, ya got an itch….scratch it. Like that famous philosopher Mitt Romney once said, “If ya got an itch, scratch it. Sometimes ya just can’t wait. Baseball players in need of a crotch adjustment are people too.”

True. And as every male will attest to, having an uncomfortable misplaced ball crotch itch, sometimes ya just can’t wait. So, ya gotta cut Papelbon little crotch slack.

Also, in the privacy of the dugout, this too is acceptable

Also, in the privacy of the dugout, this too is acceptable

Of course, as mentioned in the “Yahoo” news story, you have to take into consideration the effect on the little children at that game viewing Papelbon grab his crotch.

“Momeeee. Why did that baseball player grab his crotch? Is that one of them signs they use during a game?”

“Um, no honey. It’s NOT a baseball sign. I think, um…er…..Mr. Papelbon has some sort of itch or something.”

“Ohhhhh. I see. Kinda like the one daddy gets when he comes out of the bathroom in his bathrobe and grabs his crotch and says, “Let’s go baybeeee.”

“Um….something like that honey, but not in front of 50,000 people. Just you and the cat.”



Anyhow, the baseball league has suspended Papelbon for seven games for his crotch grabbing display even though he said it was not intended to be lewd.

As for umpire Joe West, as I stated earlier, he could be fined for grabbing Papelbon’s  jersey.

Good thing he didn’t grab Papelbon’s crotch. Which I’m sure he thought about.


Along with  instant replay this will now become the norm for umpires

So, in conclusion, I guess it can be debated as to if Papelbon grabbed his crotch and intended it to be an obscene gesture toward the crowd that was booing him. Or, he just had one of those nagging crotch itches that needed immediate attention.

And if Joe West was within his rights, umpire or not, to grab Papelbon and eject him from the game before Papelbon pulled down his pants and really got to that crotch itch problem.

If it were me, and I had a serious crotch adjustment or itch problem, as I do, and all men do on occasions, I’d sure as hell try to be as discreet as possible about it.

Of course this entire incident could have been avoided had Joe West simply started the crotch conversation in this manner

Of course this entire incident could have been avoided had Joe West simply started the crotch conversation in this manner

Like perhaps mounting the dugout railing and sliding myself down it until the crotch was adjusted or the itch subsided. Or pretending to sit on my baseball bat while it was between my legs.

“Hey……what the hell ya doin’ there with that baseball bat between yer legs you damn idiot?”

“Um…..just removing some pine tar coach.”

Best case scenario………….grab your crotch while a jock itch commercial is airing. Who the hell is gonna question your actions then?

Just sayin.’

DONATE & SUPPORT: The MisfitWisdom PayPal donate link: (Copy & Paste the link to make a donation)

Copyright 2014 MisfitWisdom RLV






About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to To Grab Thy Crotch, Or To Not Grab Thy Crotch? THAT is the question. (Shakescrotch)

  1. katydidknot says:

    Sounds like the most exciting baseball game ever. I mean, grabbing one’s crotch or somebody’s shirt requires movement, and that’s something I haven’t seen much of when I’ve been at baseball games.

Leave a Reply to katydidknot Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s