Being President of the United States is really a thankless job. You can never please everyone. AND……there are so many things to either like or dislike about a President. But, usually the main reason people tend to like or dislike a President is determined by which political party he belongs to. You can deny that….but that’s the bottom line.
But, that said, which I just did, I thought today I’d take a look at some past Presidents just to see if there were any interesting facts about them. Stuff that pro or con factions could use to portray the President in a favorable or unfavorable light.
So, here are some actual honest to goodness cross my heart and hope to die presidential facts and how I think the news media as well as Internet trolls would comment on them today.
(actual facts are in quotations)
“Abraham Lincoln was a licensed bartender and also a co-owner of a saloon called “Berry and Lincoln” in Springfield, Illinois.” Yeah Abe, what the heck were ya hidin’ under that stove-pipe hat? Bet it was a bottle of Southern Comfort whiskey. No wonder ya never tipped your hat during the civil war. Yeah, a Yankee drinking Southern booze.
“Grover Cleveland was the only president in history to hold a job as a hangman. He actually sprung the trap twice at a hanging.” Which is why nobody ever made fun of his first name…….Grover.
Thomas Jefferson and John Adams once traveled to Stratford-upon-Avon selling Avon cosmetics. Um…sorry, that should read “where they took a knife to one of Shakespeare’s chairs so they could take home some wood chips as souvenirs.”
Obviously the Internet would be abuzz with impeachment proceedings for their actions.
“Jefferson, along with another cohort, James Madison were once arrested together for taking a carriage ride in the countryside of Vermont on a Sunday, which violated the laws of that state.”
I’m not sure if taking a ride in a carriage on a Sunday broke the law or the fact that two guys riding in a carriage together broke the law. Hey….don’t ask, don’t tell.
“Teddy Bears” were so named when Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt refused to shoot a small bear cub one day.”
Following suit, hence the “Cheney Bear” which will shoot at anything moving.
“James Abram Garfield,” (no relation to Garfield the cat) is the first president to ever talk on the phone when he spoke to Alexander Graham Bell, who was on the other end 13 miles away.”
He said, “Make that one small pizza, mozzarella cheese and pepperoni.” Um, no….sorry….he actually said, “Who the f**k is this and why isn’t my wife answering the phone.” Oops…..wrong again…..sorry. What he actually said was, “Please speak a little more slowly.”
EUREKA!!!! Get this one Clinton haters. “The twenty-ninth president, Warren Harding repeatedly made love to a young girl, Nan Britton, in a (gasp) White House closet.” OMFG!!! AND…on one occasion,” the Secret Service (who obviously kept that a secret) had to stop Mrs. Harding from beating the door down.”
(NOTE) Monica Lewinsky was not born yet so rule her out as possibly one of the women Harding scored in that closet.
NEW INTERNET HEADLINE: Monica Lewinsky claims in a new book that she believes in reincarnation and that she once was Nan Britton.
“After President Bush barfed on the Japanese Prime Minister, a new word was entered into the Japanese language. Bushusuru. Which means to do the Bush thing.”
Followed by the new Japanese word, “Grossasuru.” Which means, “Boy is that guy gross or what.” Ah so….(I made that last word up….as if you didn’t guess by now)
“Jimmy Carter is the first known president to go on record as seeing a UFO.” Unfortunately it was later determined that it was Newt Gingrich stumbling out of the Capitol Building at 2am in the morning.
“President Herbert Hoover gave his White House servants strict orders to hide from him whenever he passed by. Those who failed to do so were at the risk of being fired.”
My guess……he probably liked to walk around naked in the White House and, not having the best of bodies, the servants, to use a Japanese phrase, Bushusurued.
“Dwight D. Eisenhower had an affair with his wartime driver, Kay Summersby. She later wrote a book entitled, Past Forgetting: My Love Affair with Dwight D. Eisenhower.” Too bad Ike’s first name wasn’t Daisy. (ya have to think about that one)
“John Kennedy, (not to be undone by Harding and Ike) had the most active sex life of any president. He Allegedly slept with Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, Audrey Hepburn, Angie Dickinson, stripper Blaze Starr, Marlene Dietrich along with (whew) White House staffers, secretaries, stewardess, campaign workers, strippers, and acquaintances of trusted male friends.”
Sooooooo, which one of them “trusted male friends” was really on the Grassy Knoll?
I was going to include Thomas Jefferson’s affair with slave Sally Hemmings, (oops I just did) but that’s old news in comparison to WTF JFK was doing. But…..who’s counting.
“Ronald Reagan won the Most Nearly Perfect Male Figure Award from the University of California in 1940.” Later on when he was in his 80’s, from AARP’s prestigious Herbert Hoover Naked Award.
“William Henry Harrison holds the record for the longest inauguration speech in history. 8,578 words long and one hour and 40 minutes. (similar to some of my blogs) “Unfortunately, he gave the speech during bad weather and a month later he was dead from pneumonia.”
Moral…..if giving an inaugural speech in bad weather make it short. Do you swear? Yes. Ok…you’re President. Ok…I accept….see ya all later…..this weather really sucks.
“As a young man, Rutherford B. Hayes fought lyssophobia, or the fear of going insane.” It’s those voices…those voices….I can’t stop hearing those voices. Um, calm down Mr. President, it’s the new White House intercom system paging you.
“President James Garfield could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other hand simultaneously.” Which is why no one who ever got a Christmas card from him knew who the freak it was from. Cept maybe the Pope and Anthony Quinn.
“At 325 pounds, William Howard Taft was the largest president in American history and often got stuck in the White House bathtub.” Which is how the company Roto-Rooter was established.
“Calvin Coolidge liked to have his head rubbed with petroleum jelly while eating his breakfast in bed.” No….Playboy Magazine was NOT published back then if ya catch my drift here.
“It was sooooo cold at Ulysses S. Grant’s presidential inauguration that the canaries that were supposed to sing at the inaugural ball froze to death.” That year, a bird in the hand was not worth two in the bush and pretty messy as well.
“Andrew Johnson was the first president to be impeached. He was acquitted by one vote in the Senate. It would be another 131 years before another president, Bill Clinton, would be impeached.” BUT….damn….we keep tryin’.
And finally, (thank gawd) “Woodrow Wilson was the first to show a motion picture in the White House: The Birth of a Nation, which has become the most banned film in American history.”
Which I can completely understand the reason why. You know how graphic those birth videos can be. Ask any father who’s been in the delivery room.
So, there ya have it. Some really great stuff to enlighten your friends with at your next inauguration ball event courtesy of yours truly and “RandomHistory.com.”
Of which I “randomly picked.”
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