What caught my eye this morning was this story headline from the web site “Prevention” and reporter Denise Foley.
“20 Tips To Boost A Lagging Sex Life”
“How To Want Sex Again”
So I said to myself, “Self, do “I” REALLY need 20 tips to boost MY lagging sex life?”
And then I read the next line under that heading that said:
“Always too tired or never in the mood? We’ve got 20 just-for-women tips to cure your lagging sex life.”
Ya see, THIS article is for women only.
WHY? Because obviously women have lagging sex lives. Most likely due to constantly having headaches. Which is where that famous line, “Not tonight dear, I have a headache” came from.”
So basically Denise could have saved herself from writing over 3,000 words explaining how to boost women’s sagging sex lives by simply saying in one sentence, “Hey….women…..take a freakin’ Aleve pill for cripes sake!!!.”
I must admit that I loved the photo that went with the article (below) as it clearly demonstrates on how exactly to “boost” your sagging sex life.
But, for the sake of fairness. I will attempt to highlight parts of this rather lengthy article just so that you women, who may have missed this, know what Denise and the experts she interviewed for her article thinks are the problems why your sex life sucks and how to give your sex life a “boost.”
My first guess would be to have a step stool handy if you’re gonna try that “boost” thingy that couple is doing above. Especially if you’re a short person such as myself. Oh yeah…..make sure there are no sharp objects on that counter when you’re into some heavy “boosting.” THAT would definitely take the romance outta all that “boosting” stuff.
( excerpts from the article are in quotes)
“Isn’t it a little unfair that guys, who already have that no-restroom-necessary advantage, can often just take a pill when their love life is flagging? Even though drug makers are hotly searching for female versions of Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra, it’s pretty clear that there won’t be a magic bullet for women. Along with our need for indoor plumbing, our sex drive and satisfaction are different from a guy’s. For one thing, ours hinges on the health of our primary erogenous zone: the brain.”
SEE! Women’s erogenous zones are in their brains. All this time we men have been groping and fondling in the wrong freakin’ places. Damn! If God had only made boobs on top of a woman’s head we men would have sex every night. Double shot, throw in the vagina there too as well. Two birds with one stone.
“Face it, we’re complicated. “There’s not going to be one panacea—one cream or spray or nasal delivery system—that cures all women of sexual dysfunction,” says Laura Berman, PhD, a sex therapist, director of Chicago’s Berman Center.”
Go figure. There’s creams for hemorrhoids, sprays for your damn nose, aging creams, and ice cream. And not one scientist can come up with a cream or spray that makes women desire sex. WTF!
Then again we all know those scientists are a bunch of nerds who have their heads up their butts 99 percent of the time and never think about sex. Which explains how they came up with the hemorrhoid cream idea. Makes sense to me.
Ok….now I’m tryin’ to keep this as brief as possible so I’m going to simply highlight some of the things Denise states in this article without writing a damn book.
“I’m Not In The Mood…”
“..Because I’m too tired. No matter what causes it—insomnia, working the late shift, a new baby—exhaustion is no aphrodisiac. All you want to do in your bed is sleep. How do you perk up your love life when you’re anything but perky?”
Sooooo, what do ya do? Here’s what Denise says.
“Make the time. Turn off Law & Order reruns and turn each other on. ”
Ok……reruns are out. WAIT! What about the new season of “Blue Bloods?” Holy crap……screw the sex, I wanna see Tom Selleck and Donnie Wahlberg!” (women’s thinking)
Speaking of Donnie. Do ya think he’ll have any problems with his new wife Jenny McCarthy having any of these sexual issues in this article?
“Do it after exercise”
“There are things you can do for your partner other than intercourse that are less draining but still satisfying, such as oral sex or holding or caressing him while he masturbates.”
Oh yeah sure….like THAT’s gonna happen Denise.
“I’m Not In The Mood…”
“….Because we do the same old thing over and over.”
“Relationships can settle into patterns that don’t support a healthy sex life. For example, couples can become more like friends than lovers and can lose that sexual spark. Here’s how to spice it up.”
Resurrect great memories. Remember the best sex you ever had? Spend some time thinking about it and then re-create it.”
Um…..er…..suppose it was with another woman Denise. Just sayin.’
“Try some risky business. Do something you thought you’d never do. Find a new position—or a new location—that thrills you both.”
“Hey honeeeee, what say you and I spice our love-making up a bit and I jump yer bones in a shopping cart at a Wal-Mart.”
“Initiate sex talk. ” The article highlights that you should be open and state your feelings about sex such as what turns you on and what does not. I thought it was getting down and dirty by talking dirty.
See…..if my other half said let’s initiate sex talk and I said all of the dirty words I could think of….she’d be washing my mouth out with soap.
“Lubricate, Lubricate, Lubricate Lubricants, which coat the vagina and are designed to be used just during sex.”
I’m already all over this one. Which is why I give my other half a monthly gift certificate to Jiffy Lube.
“I’m Not In The Mood…”
“…Because my hormones are crazy.”
In most instance it’s just that your spouse is freakin’ crazy. BUT….jusssst in case you lucked out and she’s not nuts, Denise writes that you should…………
“Ask about testosterone. Most doctors currently use compounding pharmacies to mix testosterone creams in dosages for women. But a testosterone patch for women, manufactured by Procter & Gamble, is now through clinical testing and could be on the market as early as next year.”
Let’s see, a testosterone patch. A no smoking patch. A back pain patch. Chances are if you can get around all those patches and actually feel some skin you might actually get turned on. Or want a damn cigarette out of frustration from finding too many patches and no actual skin.
“I’m Not In The Mood…”
“…Because I don’t have orgasms (or have them rarely). If this is you, you may be surprised to learn that most women don’t have orgasms during intercourse. “The majority of women have trouble reaching orgasm from penis-vagina intercourse.”
But they can have them while dining in a restaurant for some odd reason. (refer to the restaurant orgasm scene in “When Harry Met Sally”)
Other than that, here’s “their” suggestions.
“If you never have orgasms… The best way to get them started is by giving them to yourself through masturbation.”
Um…ok….scratch that going to a restaurant idea.
“Check your pillbox Any antidepressants in there? Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), a class of drugs that includes Prozac and Zoloft, “are probably the number one cause of anorgasmia [inability to have an orgasm.”
Which means that you should throw all of those medications out the window so that you can have a great orgasm. Then, after that great high, jump off a freakin’ bridge cause you’re soooooo depressed from not taking your medications.
FINALLY, and I’ve edited this story extensively because I did not want it to turn into a “War & Piece” novel, although some of this IS about “piece” if ya catch my drift here guys.
“Experts aren’t even sure how to define women’s sexual problems, let alone estimate how many women have them. The diagnosis female sexual dysfunction disorder covers four conditions: lack of libido, known as hypoactive sexual desire disorder; lack of sensitivity or ability to be aroused, called female sexual arousal disorder; inability to have an orgasm, known as female orgasmic disorder; and pain during sex—which itself is divided into a number of categories. And the diagnosis comes with one caveat: It’s not a dysfunction unless a woman who has one or more of these problems is distressed about it. If you can’t have orgasms and don’t care, it’s not necessarily a problem.”
“The truth is, when it comes to sex, normal is what’s normal for you.”
Unless you get caught by store security trying that “spice up your sex life” suggestion while having sex in a shopping cart in a Wal-Mart and they do not buy your explanation that it’s what you “normally” do while shopping just to spice up your sex life.
You know how most store security guys do not have a sense of humor. I base this on the number of times I myself have been caught spicing up my own sex life.
While having sex standing in line at a Wendys. Damn that Wendy’s girl does it for me.
(for the complete and unedited article go to “Prevention.com”)
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