LOOK! Down on the ground. It’s a It’s a worm! No….it’s a beetle! No…it’s….it’s ANT-MAN!!!!!
“Heyyyyyy, what’d ya do that for?
“Cause it’s a stinkin’ ant ya jerk. Ya think I want it crawlin’ all over my hamburger here?”
Not that THAT scenario would EVER happen in the new “Ant-Man” movie that’s going to be released in theaters next July 17th. But, it would be a novel twist considering former Ant-Man like the original character Henry Pym, Scott Lang and Eric O’Grady were disposed of in the comic book version.
Ants do not lead very long lives I’m guessing. Unlike Spiderman who I’d guess is about 125 years old and living in a rest home.
Ant-Man comes to us from “Marvel Comics” who introduced the versatile creature back in 1962. And since then ants have been around for quite some time. Which is where the phrase, “ants in your pants comes from.”
So, now we will get to see actor Paul Rudd portray Ant-Man in the upcoming movie.
Now if you’ve never heard of Ant-Man its most likely because you either don’t give a rats ass about ants because you can basically stomp on them and be done with those annoying little food grubbing sneak up on you and make your skin crawl creatures.
But, if you’re into comic books, then you’re well aware of Ant-Man and what he can do. (not sure if there are female Ant-Man, in which case they would be called Ant-Women. Which would seem logical, otherwise where would other successors to those Ant-Man killed off come from) Makes sense to me.
So what powers will Ant-Man have. Other than being able to lift a single sugar cube. Being more powerful than a speeding centipede. Or able to leap tall grass at a single bound.
Well, he can change size from a normal human being to microscopic ant size to actually being gigantic. Which can come in handy when you’re trying to either sneak into concerts, (microscopic size) or want to kick the bejesus outta anyone, (gigantic size) or just wanna be any size you want to. Like when you’re being Ant-Man, and perhaps want to score a hot looking cockroach or something.
Speaking of which, I’m sure there’s some brainiac right now thinking of making a superhero out of a cockroach.
Problem there is that cockroaches live forever so how would you EVER kill off that character?
The problem here as I see it, and you know with my demented mind I can see a lot of problems here for Ant-Man, is that how exactly do ya explain to a woman you’re trying to hit on that you’re a superhero and not have her laugh her ass off when you tell her you’re a crime fighting ant.
“Sooooo Paul, what do you do for a living?”
“Well honeee, you’re not gonna believe this, but I’m actually a crime fighter.”
‘Oooooooo, a crime fighter. Wow! Ya mean like those muscle-bound heroes like Batman and Robin, Spiderman, Captain Marvel, and my all time favorite, Superman. Boy would I love to roll in the sack with those hunks.”
“Um…well…er….kinda. I’m Ant-Man.”
“ANT-MAN! ………… ANT-MAN!!!! Whaddya some kinda freak or somethin’ ………ANT-MAN!!!!!
“Um, no, I have super powers just like those other guys and I fight crime, corruption and bad guys.”
“How, by sneaking up their pant legs and biting them on their balls…ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.”
Hence the problem of being a crime fighting microscopic ant. And, as we all know, even though super heroes have fantastic powers, they do lack in some other areas.
And, in the case of female super heroes…………………cattiness…………
So, if “I” were Ant-Man, perhaps I’d approach that question, “What do you do for a living?” a bit differently when in a bar and a woman asks you that question. Like………………….
“Soooooo Paul, what do you do for a living?”
“Well, honeeee, you’re not gonna believe this, but I’m actually a crime fighter and my name is Ant-Man and I fight crime, corruption and bad guys by being able to change size at the drop of a hat. I can go from 100 feet in size to microscopic size in a heartbeat.”
“Oooooooooooo. You can change your size anytime you want to?
‘Sooooo babyeee, you wanna go to my place or mine where I can slip into something more comfortable and we can explore that size changing power you have….pant, pant.”
See, being an ant with size changing capabilities does have its advantages, ya just gotta know how to sell it.
So watch for the movie next July starring Paul Rudd as Ant-Man and Michael Douglas as a salesman for “RAID.” Um, no, sorry, Douglas plays Dr. Pym in the movie.
I know, I hate to use this line again, but I just can’t resist…it’s a sickness. If you just can’t wait because you have, “ants in your pants,” to see the new movie, just go buy a Marvel comic book or two and fill your pants with ants that way until the movie debuts next July.
Or just go out in the yard and play with a few ants.
Or give your long-lost Ant Martha a call.
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