Before you get all bent outta shape, I’m NOT talking about the spam you get in your e-mail. I ain’t that stoopid ya know.
I’m defending “SPAM,” the canned meat. YES! That wonderful canned meat which 99.9 percent of men absolutely love and 100 percent of women hate. Which is one of the main reasons men love SPAM. Cook it and women freak out to the point of leaving the house. Hence…we get some peace and quiet.
Now I’ve finally had it. Years of SPAM, me and all men taking what I refer to as “SPAM Abuse.”
I have no idea why women hate SPAM. They just do. Maybe it’s because it comes in a can and women just don’t think meat should come in a can. From a dead animal…..that’s ok….but NOT in a can. And, because its processed meat and no one’s really sure what the hell its made out of.
Anyone knows SPAM comes from “Spamolopes.” Duh!
But, in defense of SPAM, here’s some facts. First, what’s in it. Pork shoulder, ham, salt, water, sugar, potato starch and nitrates. Clue….the same stuff that’s in hot dogs.
Do ya hear women complaining about hot dogs? NO! Obviously a clear-cut case of discrimination against SPAM.
Now some facts about SPAM. (excluding the number of male spouse homicides committed by women who lost it when their husbands were cooking SPAM)
SPAM was introduced back in 1937 by the “Hormel Foods Corporation.” Long before women had the right to actually challenge men for eating it. Which was later passed by Congress in the 1942 “SPAM Womens Rights Act.”
During World War II the Russians consumed over one hundred million pounds of SPAM. Obviously a devious plan to eat all of the SPAM on earth in the hope that U.S. soldiers, who absolutely loved SPAM, would surrender when the supply of American SPAM ran out.
Fortunately, for us, we gave half of Berlin, Germany to the Russians in return for 100,000 million cans of SPAM. Little known fact.
SPAM even had its own mascot. “Slammin’ Spammy.”
And if you SPAM hatin’ women think you’re ever gonna win the war against SPAM, forget it! There are 44,000 or 33,000 pounds of SPAM produced by Hormel Foods every hour. All in a secret location near Roswell, New Mexico surrounded by armed guards and motion detectors in case of an attack by crazed SPAM hating women.
The country that eats the most SPAM is South Korea. The United States is next. Followed by the tiny island of Bishop Rock which is off the coast of the United Kingdom. Only because, until recently, there were two people living on that island left over from a merchant ship that sank 30 years ago which was loaded with SPAM, and they, and the SPAM cargo survived. They fought off any attempts to be rescued fearing their horde of SPAM might be confiscated.
Ok, I will admit that SPAM, according to health officials, is kinda unhealthy for you. Because it contains the following: 100 grams of fat. 1,000 calories, 240 milligrams of cholesterol, and 4.696 milligrams of sodium.
On the positive side…..it tastes realllly good. Sooooo, if it looks good, tastes good, and ya like it, who gives a rats ass about all that other negative stuff. HEY! Chocolate has a lot of stuff in it too…….and CALORIES! Do ya think women would give THAT up? F**k no.
And you SPAM hating women, jusssst in case you EVER think of divorcing your man because he loves SPAM, just remember this. There are places that will welcome him with open arms. Like Austin, Minnesota which holds annual festivals and has the official SPAM museum.
And in Waikiki they hold an annual “SPAM Jam.”
And in Shady Grove, Oregon a SPAM parade and festival. SO THERE!!!!
In conclusion, SPAM will be here FOREVER! So deal with it women.
And if you’re wondering what the secret of longevity for SPAM is…..
OK men…..time for some peace and quiet…..fire up the grill and fry that SPAM.
Thank you Hormel.
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