I Am The Messenger: And Today’s Message Is, Stock Up On Vodka

vodka3

Yep, it’s my job, I being the messenger, to scour the Internet and find things that are of cutting edge importance and then pass it on to all of you so that your lives will be enhanced by learning new stuff to better make your life worth living.

So, once again as a public service, MisfitWisdom has discovered a reason for all of you to stock up on vodka for the better of all mankind. And womenkind too.

No longer do ya have to hide those bottles of vodka when guests come to your house so that they don’t think you’re some kind of boozer. No more explaining to your spouse why you bought a case of vodka. And no more having to explain to the Feds that you’re not a Russian spy hooked on vodka if they raid your house.vodka2

FINALLY! Legitimate reasons to stock up on vodka. Happy days are here again folks.

Now, according to the web site “BuzzFeed.” here are some really great reasons to stock up on vodka and some things you can use vodka for….besides drinking yourself into a mindless state of drunkenness.

Also gives you a lot of good reasons to stock up on vodka….even if you just wanna use the excuse that you’re stocking up to do any of the following things, when in reality you could give a rats ass about what else to use vodka for, other than getting totally blotto.

And, if you have some doubts about using or drinking vodka, remember this…………

Makes sense to me

Makes sense to me

Vodka, when applied to a cloth, is great for cleaning your eyeglasses. Which comes in handy after you polish off that entire bottle and can’t see worth a shit. Or, if you happen to pick up a date in a bar when your glasses were fogged up from the heat of the moment, and then when you got back to your place, used that vodka to clean your glasses, and find out your pickup is a dog, and either beat feet for the door, or give HER most of the vodka, and when she got soused, THEN beat feet to the door.

Here’s another neat use for vodka. As if we needed any more other than just drinking it.

It will clean your razor blades and prevent rust if you soak your razor in the vodka. And, after you’ve gotten a nice clean shave, just drink the remaining vodka. Waste not, want not.

And, after you shave, why not brush your teeth with it too.

On the rocks pal?

On the rocks pal?

Now we all have this problem with flowers just not lasting when we put them in a vase. They seem to wilt and die away in a few days or so. BUT…..add a cup of vodka to the water and those plants will be happy as clams and will age slower. Drunken plants are happy plants.

The only downside to this is, as I see it, is if a bee looking to gather some pollen happens upon your vodka soused plant and attempts to extract whatever bees extract from various plants. Yep…..drunken bees.

NOTE: If you try this on your plants, DO NOT give any to Venus Flytraps as they will become violent and eat you.

This goes for giving vodka to your pets as well………………….vodka4

For you women, and men too I suppose, if you like to throughly clean your face each day, vodka can act as a toner for your skin. It reduces acne and pore size. You use cotton balls to apply the vodka to you skin. And a glass to apply the vodka to your open mouth as you’re applying the vodka to your skin. Happy, happy, happy.

And if you find that it doesn’t work, you won’t give a damn going out with open pores and acne because you’ll be too drunk to give a damn. Works for me.

Good Housekeeping Magazine tip #1

Good Housekeeping Magazine tip #1

Geez, there’s just so many ways you can get away with excuses for using vodka and getting zoned out at the same time.

Like adding it to your shampoo. According to the site, using vodka in shampoo will give you luscious looking hair.

“Geez honey, your hair looks absolutely beautiful. Can I run my fingers through it?”

“Oh, sure honey….I washed it in vodka. Glad you like it.”

“REALLY! Um, do ya mind if I suck on a few strands too………hold on, I’ll grab an olive.”

So far so good. Lots of neat suggestions here. Including drinking vodka. AND, not to worry about drinking too much. However, it’s NOT the vodka that you have to worry about……………

See......it's the damn ice!

See……it’s the damn ice!

Now here’s another neat trick.  A flexible ice pack. Add equal parts of water and vodka into a sealable bag, stick it in the freezer, and it acts as a great ice pack.   And when whatever it is that you needed that ice pack for is resolved, drink the vodka.

They didn’t say you could drink that vodka in the ice pack, but, WTF, why waste a good drink.

Finally, and this is a great one. Do you have smelly feet? If ya do…..stay the f**k away from me.

Um, no, sorry, stay away from me if you didn’t use this last tip. Which is to soak your feet in vodka. It eliminates odor. My guess is because your feet will then smell like vodka. My guess anyhow.

Hmmmm. Wouldn’t it be just as easy to just wash your damn feet and DRINK the vodka rather than wasting it. Unless you’re some kind of contortionist and can soak your feet and bend over and have a stiff drink at the same time. Then that makes complete sense to me. Two birds with one stone.

One word of caution however, besides giving vodka to your pets. Might wanna warn your girlfriend about home-made vodka……………….

mmmm

Oooooooooo, how macho

So, there ya have it. Actual uses for vodka other than guzzling it down. And plenty of excuses as to why you should be stocking up on vodka.

Tune in tomorrow when we’ll take a look at 101 uses for kitty litter when making Southern meals using grits along with creative ways of making Post Grape Nuts even more crunchier.

In the meantime, I have my own plan for using vodka…………….vodka8

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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2 Responses to I Am The Messenger: And Today’s Message Is, Stock Up On Vodka

  1. katydidknot says:

    Back when I drank more heavily, I always went with rum. If I went with vodka, i’d end up hearing stories about myself the next day that I couldn’t remember first-hand.

    But I might have to go get some to use as cleaning products and whatnot.

    Especially for whatnot.

  2. misfit120 says:

    I can see it now Katy: Johnson & Johnson Cleaning Vodka

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