BUT….it’s not as scary as what I read about funeral directors on the site “Answers.com” that some of you may have read as well. And the only reason I read it was their catchy title to their article which was titled, “Five Terrifying Things About Funeral Homes You Didn’t Know.”
Which is then when I asked myself, “Um, do I REALLY wanna know?”
But, being the inquisitive type, I went ahead and read the article anyhow. Now I’m “dead” set against dying. Let alone dying and going to a funeral home. As I’m sure most of us are and have been since the beginning of time.
I mean it’s bad enough I don’t get any respect now, but not getting it even after I buy the farm is a bit too much.
So what are those five terrifying things that we should all be afraid of? AND….do YOU really wanna know?
Oops, too late….you’re gonna read them anyway aren’t you.
OK….but ya might wanna do as I did after reading this stuff. Which was to instruct my other half to, upon my untimely demise, to drag my cold dead ass out to the backyard, drape me over the grill on the patio, fire that sucker up, and let it roar. Ain’t no damn stinkin’ funeral home gettin’ my body and doing the things they do with dead bodies. Bastards.
I also instructed her to cook up a few hamburgers while the fire was going. No sense wasting some good propane.
Anyhow, here’s what got me spooked.
First of all, according to the article, they pointed out that funeral homes are a business. Which, I guess falls into the same category as Mitt Romney saying, “Funeral Homes Are People Too.” (damn that line never gets old)
So, being a business, and you being dead, they’re gonna try to make a buck…..um, let me clarify that a bit, a “big buck” off of your cold dead ass. How? By convincing your next of kin that you should really be laid out in one of their most expensive caskets. Yep, the ones with all the bells and whistles. Anything to entice you to spend more money.
Which I think includes real nice comfy pillows, satin looking interior, top of the line metal or wood casket, and perhaps guaranteed cell phone reception….jussssst in case you were zoned out on some really good weed and everyone just assumed you were dead.
So, beware of them trying to make a big buck off of you by convincing you to buy a top of the line casket. Remember….it’s going into the freakin’ ground. So, tell them to f**k off and that you want something nice but economical. Like a cardboard box or a really big Tupperware container.
Next, those sneaky bastards will try to sell you a casket that’s hermetically sealed and leak proof.
Now look at this logically. If you’re dead, or the person you’re burying is dead, which seems logical if you’re shopping for a casket, why in the hell would you care if it’s hermetically sealed or leak proof? Like “I’m” gonna care if I get wet when I’m dead! Cripes, I walk outside in the rain now, so why should I give a rats ass when I’m dead.
Ok, next is the cost of embalming your butt. Which is also a waste of freakin’ money that you could be using to go to a casino or something. Because embalming only lasts for a few weeks, and death lasts like FOREVER! So, you’re paying for fighting the effects of decomposing for what? A few weeks! Who cares if ya decompose. My garbage decomposes do ya think I should embalm that too!!!!
Now here’s something interesting. Morbid, but nonetheless interesting. Did you know that funeral directors have to compensate for things that are a bit askew when they get a body. Because, as the article so eloquently pointed out, they, “receive male bodies with swollen penises and scrotums” which is caused by bacteria.
I know, you were thinking they died from an overdose of Viagra or Cialis. Perverts.
So, at your request, the funeral parlor will adjust said parts to make you appear normal. If being dead can be considered normal I guess. Then again, who TF is gonna know, other than the funeral director, if you have a swollen penis or scrotum?
“Um, Mrs. Faversham, my deepest condolences on the passing of Mr.Faversham. I know this might not be the right time to bring this up but, speaking of “up,” your late husband still has a huge erection and we’re having some problems fitting him into his casket. Did he always have this problem with erections?”
“Oh nooooo. Never. I can’t understand why he would have one. We never had sex ever since I turned 50 and hair started to grow on my face,”
“Ah yes, quite understandable. Um, perhaps you could do me a favor then. Could you just stand over the casket naked and perhaps that might make the erection go down.”
And don’t fall for that other stuff funeral homes try to sell ya. Like prosthetic limbs, make up, hats and strategic lighting techniques. Unless your deceased was a clown for the circus and ya just want to make him or her go out in style.
And the last thing the article tells us is that when funeral directors go to your house they wanna get in and out as quickly as possible while you’re still slobbering over your loved one.
“OMG! Elmer….(sob) Elmer….(sniff) I can’t believe you’re…..(honk) DEAD!”
“Yeah he’s freakin dead as a doornail lady, but we’re alive and it’s almost break time so ya wanna let go of him so we can get the hell outta here.”
Like the article stated….it’s a “business.” And, as in all businesses, time is money.
Sooooooooooo many dead bodies, soooooooooooo little time.
My deepest appreciation to “Answers.com” for all this very informative information. I feel much more at ease now knowing all that stuff I really didn’t wanna know.
So much at ease that I’m running out to Home Depot to buy the mother of all grills that my other half will be able to fit my cold dead body in.
I’ll be damned if those money hungry motherf**kers are gonna make a buck off of me.
Oh yeah, and a case of hamburgers too. No sense, as I said, wasting some good propane and a great fire.
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