Insurance? I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Insurance……….Oops…..

These days you can get insurance on just about anything that you want to insure. For a price of course.

mmmmm

Damn!!!!!!!!

I began thinking about the different types of insurance available after a slight fender bender a few weeks ago when I was nailed coming out of a parking lot.

Um, well my truck was nailed, not me. Just to clarify things. Had “I” been nailed my other half would be cashing a very big check right about now.

But, the accident was no big deal. We settled it with exchanging insurance information, but, I think there may have been a better option. Like……………….ins2

But think about it for a sec. There’s life insurance, vehicle insurance, homeowners insurance, disability insurance, burial insurance and insurance to insure that you have enough insurance to insure that you have enough insurance.

But what about other types of insurance that you may not be aware of. Like alien abduction insurance.

Yep, there’s actually a place in Lowestoft, England,  called, “The Royal Falcon Hotel,” which will insure you should you be abducted by aliens. (not the kind that cross borders in Texas and Mexico)

The policy is for $10 million dollars and covers you if a visitor from Mars, who I guess decides to stay at the hotel, grabs you and possibly abducts you. (again, this does not cover those aliens I mentioned in the last paragraph) Only those from Mars.

mmm

Um…ok then, how about if I say it was illegal aliens from Mexico?

The policy also covers death and disability caused by ghosts, poltergeists, and other abnormal phenomena. Um, with a mere slight catch however.

If you should be abducted by such an alien, (the one from other planets and not this one) you must have the alien sign an affidavit that he/she/it  abducted you. Otherwise your claim will not be processed. Just a mere glitch as I said.

So, should you be abducted while staying at that hotel, might wanna carry a pen and your insurance contract with you jusssst in case.

I personally think there should be insurance to cover you should your spouse try to get even with you after you’ve died. You know how vindictive women can be. Always forget to put the toilet seat down and in the end they get even. Example…..

mmmmm

Insurance clause: Only your best friend can write your epitaph. Second clause: Only if your best friend isn’t screwing your wife.

Now if ya think THAT one is strange, unless you’ve actually been abducted and are thinking about searching for a policy, how about this one. “Immaculate Conception Insurance.”

Yep. You can get insured if you suddenly see a star rising in the East one night and suddenly have the urge to venture out somewhere in search of a stable. This of course applies only if you are unmarried. AND if you fall into the Bristol Palin category, sorry, doesn’t cover you.

It has to actually be an “immaculate conception.”

mmm

Star rising in the East!!!! WTF!

The policy covers raising your child, (manger or no manger) for up to 6 years. However, I’m pretty sure the company that issued this policy is no longer in business as they received many complaints from the public and church authorities.

You know how fidgety the church gets if ya try to cut in on their monopoly of that manger story. Which is one reason you never see any mangers out in fields anymore.

Then there’s those really weird insurance policies that entertainers take out to insure something that makes them famous. Like Gene Simmons of the rock group “KISS” who once had his tongue insured for $1 million dollars.ins5

Yes, I know what you damn perverts are thinking. But I’m NOT gonna go there.

OK….screw it…I’ll go there.

Perhaps if you are of the mind set that your tongue might be worth insuring because you think you’re a super stud, go for it. But don’t come crying to me if the insurance company laughs you outta the building ya damn perv.

mmmm

His policy is now worth $100

I’m sure you’ve all heard of  “Lloyd’s of London” which will insure just about anything….for a buck. A biggggg buck. Celebrities do this all the time. Obviously to get back those big bucks they paid out should anything happen to whatever it was they had insured. Usually, as in Gene Simmons case, some body part that made them famous.

But, if you’re like the rest of us commoners, you most likely only have those normal types of insurance policies. And, yes, they’re worth the bucks you pay.

mmmm

Da Godfadder Insurance Agency

However, I take issue with one of those I mentioned earlier. Which is burial insurance. Which, of course, pays for your survivors to dump your sorry butt into the ground when you pass on.

How exactly do you know that your survivors are gonna actually use that insurance money to bury you?

“Dear, I have this here insurance policy for $50,000 dollars and when I die I want you to bury me on top of that beautiful hill over at the “Forever Peaceful Cemetary” which overlooks the casino I loved to play at.”

“No problem honey, I’ll make sure you have a wonderful spot and that you’re facing the casino so you can forever think of the fond memories you had losing our life savings there.”

(meanwhile, her husband is actually thinking to himself)

“Yeah right, I’m gonna spend $50,000 dumping her sorry ass into the ground so she can overlook that damn casino…..HAH! What about I have her cremated, put her remains in a pouch I can carry around with me when “I” go to the casino, and we both get our wish. No sense wasting a good $50,000.”

mmmm

My other half…..always the gambler

So, ya see, you just have to be able to trust someone if you have burial insurance. I think it’s the only kind of insurance that you have to be careful with and make sure your wishes will be carried out.

Now I know my other half, trusting her completely to carry out my wishes, would honor my burial request to the T.

mmm

HEY! He always said he wanted to out with a bang

Which is why my burial insurance policy explicitly states that when I buy the farm I DO NOT want that money from the policy to go to waste. Like for useless things such as a casket, services, embalming procedures, memorials, etc. Nope. Money is for the living, and I’m gonna make sure the “living” aren’t moochers like funeral directors and the rest of the gang make out on my demise.

On the same token however, I sure as hell want my other half to enjoy life with that insurance cash. So, I’m going with that “cremation pouch” idea so she can carry me to the casino with her and play that damn machine that I always said I’d hit one day.

So my insurance policy states that upon my demise a $50,000 check should be sent to my local casino which shall be applied to my other half’s slot play account.

Ya think with $50,000 in slot play loaded into her account she might hit that freakin’ machine?

I dunno. But if she hits the huge jackpot, my instructions are to take that pouch with my ashes in it and spread it all over that damn slot machine.

THEN…….I can rest in peace.ins14

Just sayin.’

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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2 Responses to Insurance? I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Insurance……….Oops…..

  1. katydidknot says:

    A few years ago, I read about a sort of Rapture insurance. If you get Raptured, this company will do things like make sure your pet is okay in your absence, or make sure your stove was turned off when you left.

  2. misfit120 says:

    Hmmmm……is that the same kind of “Rapture” Blondie sings about in that song?

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