I’ll tell ya what kind of a guy. A guy that was, 1. Completely sober. 2. Had 20 20 vision. and 3. Had this woman chasing him around wielding a hunting knife and a cane.
Excuse me for a sec while I take my nausea pill……….
Ok…I’m fine now.
So anyhow, as this story goes, this 56 year-old St. Lucie County, Florida woman, Elizabeth Highley was arrested after she chased her 25 year-old friend around the house wielding that hunting knife and cane.
She’s 56 and he’s 25? WTF!
My thinking. Besides the fact that she certainly is a very attractive woman, (cough) is that if you’re in the mood for sex from your friend and you chase him around the house with a cane and a hunting knife, it’s “highley” unlikely you’re setting the mood for a romantic evening. My thinking anyhow.
Then again, if it were someone similar to, say, Katy Perry, Lady Ga Ga, Taylor Swift or Sofia Vergara, they sure as hell wouldn’t need to be chasing me around with a cane and a hunting knife to encourage me to have sex with them.
But Ms. Highley…welllllll. (use your imagination)
Then again, maybe the guy went to a really bad dating service.
So as things unfolded, the guy was just hanging out with Ms. Highley enjoying a glass of wine, and I assume small talk, when she began putting the moves on him.
Wine will do that to ya.
But, apparently the guy, being of sane mind and body, and knowing there was no way in hell this woman was gonna turn him on, rejected her advances.
Which in turn pissed off Elizabeth, at which point she chased him around with that cane and hunting knife. Which she may have thought was a turn on. You know how some people are into kinky sex stuff.
Meanwhile, a deputy who was at a nearby convenience store happened to spot Elizabeth with a knife in one hand and what appeared to be a broken walking cane in the other. Verrrrry suspicious.
At which point he promptly arrested her and she is now facing a felony charge.
So what does all this mean in the scope of life?
I thinkith that if you are invited to any woman’s house and she’s not quite the looker, to put it a bit diplomatically, ya might wanna not indulge in a bit of wine drinking. Especially if she has a cane and a hunting knife sitting in the proximity of where you are sitting, jusssst in case she makes advances toward you and you tell her to f**k off.
Of course you could put it a bit more diplomatically.
Something like, “Whaddya ya freakin’ nuts! Look in the damn mirror honey. You ain’t no Paris Hilton ya know. And besides, I heard ya ask that mirror on the wall who was the fairest of them all and it cracked!”
Now we men all know that its far and in between that a beautiful and sexy women would make advances towards us. It’s usually us men who make advances towards women.
And I’d be willing to bet ya that 99.9 % of the time when a woman makes an advance towards a man, she’s either butt ugly or high on something.
Or the guy is a gazillionaire just rolling in dough. In which case “love at first sight” does make sense. At least to me. As well as making advances.
I remember in high school one girl in particular sending me secret love notes. Gawd, I was thrilled. I mean, I wasn’t a jock or anything, and being very short and kinda stupid, a girl sending me love notes was fantastic.
BUT…..I wasn’t THAT stupid that I wasn’t gonna check her out first. Secretly.
Yep……Gladys Norkenderf was the one who sent me those secret love note. Gladys Norkenderf who never shaved her legs, actually braided her armpit hair, and on occasion like to smoke a cigar.
Not to mention, but I will, sported a faint moustache.
Not knowing how to avoid Gladys’ advances without hurting her feelings, (being the compassionate person that I was) I begged my parents to send me to another school or at least enroll me in the Witness Protection Program. To no avail.
Eventually I had to lie my way outta that situation.
I told Gladys that because of my religion I took a vow of celibacy until I reached the age of 21.
She seemed to buy that explanation, considering I was carrying 20 different versions of the Holy Bible, and a photo of Charleston Heston, which I did just in case she didn’t believe me and I needed to fend off her advances.
I figured it this way. If carrying garlic worked for fending off vampires, it was worth a shot carrying those bibles.
I did carry a can of Mace jussssst in case.
Which is what that guy should have had on him when Elizabeth Highley chased his butt all over the place with a cane and knife.
Be prepared…..my motto. AND……never drink wine in the company of a butt ugly woman.
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